Unfortunate Andrew

EPISODE 1: THE ORIGIN OF UNFORTUNATE ANDREW

Andrew Squervil was born selfish. His selfishness isn’t the result of bad parenting or cultural influences or any other external factors. Andrew is just one of those people who would have been selfish no matter what circumstances they were born into. His selfishness is an inherent part of him.

Andrew was born slightly less than 30 years ago. He was born into a life of luxury. His parents, who are now dead, were very rich people. During Andrew’s childhood and adolescence, Andrew lived with his parents in their gigantic mansion, which was located in a very upper-class neighborhood.

At a very early age, Andrew decided that he would never, ever hold a job of any kind. The very idea of employment repulses and offends him. Andrew intends to spend the rest of his life living off his family’s vast fortune.

Despite his intention to never, ever hold a job of any kind, Andrew obtained a college degree during his early adult years. This occurred not because Andrew had had a desire to receive a higher education, but rather because Andrew’s parents had threatened to cut him off financially if he didn’t get a college degree. In the social circle that Andrew’s parents were a part of, it was considered barbaric and laughable to not have a college degree by a certain age. So Andrew’s parents wanted Andrew to get a college degree to prevent their family from social embarrassment. It was all just about keeping up appearances, nothing more.

Some time after finishing college, Andrew was living in an apartment shared by his friend Martin Pimbly. Martin and Andrew had attended the same college during the same time period. They had met each other during their first semester. Like Andrew, Martin is a despicable person. Andrew and Martin secretly dislike each other, but maintain their friendship nevertheless. Their friendship is sustained by shallow, self-serving reasons. Martin, who is not at all good at attracting women, likes being Andrew’s friend because it allows Martin to live vicariously through Andrew, who is very good at attracting women and who often has dalliances with very desirable women. Andrew likes being Martin’s friend because Andrew likes having a friend who is inferior to Andrew in every way. So their friendship is mutually beneficial.

Although the apartment that Andrew was sharing with Martin was nothing to scoff at, Andrew very much wanted to live in a mansion of his own instead. Unfortunately for Andrew, his parents had full control of their family’s fortune at that time, and were providing Andrew with only enough money to afford to live in the very nice apartment he was living in. Andrew resented his parents very much because of this.

One day, Andrew’s parents were killed in a yacht-related accident. Although most people would be devastated by the loss of their parents, Andrew became ecstatic in response to learning that his parents had been killed. That was because their deaths meant that Andrew, who is his parents’ only descendant, had full control of his family’s fortune. A few days after his parents’ funeral, which he did not attend, Andrew sold his parents’ mansion and purchased himself a newer, bigger mansion to live in.

Andrew spent the next few years living a life of luxury in his mansion. During that time, he seduced many, many beautiful women. Seducing women has never been difficult for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is really good at.

Andrew has no interest in things like love and marriage and monogamy. He views the women he seduces as interchangeable sources of gratification, nothing more. Usually, after completing his seduction of a woman, Andrew wants nothing more to do with her.

One day, a few days after his 29th birthday, Andrew meets a beautiful woman named Koila. Of course, Andrew wants to seduce her. While having a conversation with Koila, Andrew learns that she is interested in things like love and marriage and monogamy. So, in order to make Koila more susceptible to him, Andrew deceives her into thinking that he is also interested in things like love and marriage and monogamy. In Andrew’s mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of Koila, who, thanks to Andrew’s lies, believes that this intimate encounter is the consummation of what will be a long, meaningful relationship between her and Andrew.

A few moments after completing his seduction of Koila, Andrew says something to her that he has said to many, many other women after seducing them: “Get out of my mansion.”

Koila is confused, so Andrew clarifies the situation by maliciously revealing to her that he is not really interested in things like love and marriage and monogamy, and that he was only pretending to be interested in those things to get what he really wanted from her, and that he now wants nothing more to do with her. Koila leaves Andrew’s mansion, angry and upset. She vows to somehow get revenge on Andrew.

Some time later, Andrew is served with a summons and complaint. These legal documents list Koila as the plaintiff and list Andrew as the defendant. Andrew, who is no legal expert, brings the summons and complaint to an attorney to make sense out of for him.

The attorney Andrew is seeking legal assistance from is a beautiful married woman named Velaina. Although Andrew is now seeking legal assistance from Velaina, their relationship began as a non-professional one. On a previous occasion, Velaina cheated on her husband with Andrew, unbeknownst to Velaina’s husband.

After reviewing the summons and complaint for an unnecessarily long amount of billable time, Velaina tells Andrew what these legal documents mean: that Koila is suing Andrew for financial compensation for emotional distress that he allegedly caused her by cruelly ending his relationship with her after completing his seduction of her. Velaina tells Andrew the amount of money that Koila is suing him for. This information troubles Andrew greatly, as the amount is much higher than the amount of money that Andrew has.

Velaina assures Andrew that he has nothing to worry about. Velaina tells Andrew that Koila’s allegation is utterly absurd; that no judge in their right mind would take this lawsuit seriously; that the lawsuit will inevitably be thrown out by the court because of the lawsuit’s frivolous nature; that Andrew will most likely never even have to set foot in a courtroom; that Andrew is in no danger whatsoever of losing his fortune.

But Velaina is wrong. Somehow, inexplicably, Koila’s lawsuit is not thrown out by the court. After numerous failed attempts by Velaina to get Koila to enter into a settlement agreement with Andrew, the case is decided by the court in favor of Koila. The court orders Andrew to pay Koila the entire amount of money that she sued him for. In order to have enough money to pay Koila, Andrew has to sell all of his assets, including his mansion. After paying Koila the full amount of money that he owes her, Andrew barely has any money left in his savings account. He isn’t rich anymore.

EPISODE 2: A MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL LIVING ARRANGEMENT

For the first 29 years of his life, Andrew Squervil was very rich. However, as a result of a lawsuit against him, Andrew was recently stripped of nearly all of his money and all of his assets, including his mansion. Because of this occurrence, Andrew is now in need of an inexpensive place to stay at.

The attorney who represented Andrew in the lawsuit against him is a beautiful married woman named Velaina. Velaina is married to a man named Karl. Unbeknownst to Karl, Velaina cheated on Karl with Andrew. Velaina, who very much wants to continue her affair with Andrew, invites Andrew to move into her and Karl’s house. Velaina justifies this invitation to Karl by telling Karl that it is her way of apologizing to Andrew for failing him so badly in the lawsuit against him. Of course, Velaina doesn’t really feel guilty about how the lawsuit turned out for Andrew. She knows that Andrew is a selfish, despicable person who got what he deserved. But nevertheless, Velaina finds Andrew attractive. The real reason that Velaina invited Andrew to move into her and Karl’s house was so that she will be able to have frequent access to Andrew.

Andrew moves into Velaina and Karl’s house, as it is the best living option available to Andrew at this time. Velaina and Karl’s house is a very nice place to live in, even though it isn’t nearly as nice as the mansion Andrew used to live in. And, of all the living options currently available to Andrew, this is the only one that will allow him to have frequent access to a beautiful woman. So this new living arrangement is beneficial to both Andrew and Velaina.

Karl, however, does not find this new living arrangement beneficial. He dislikes Andrew immensely. He dislikes the idea of a sleazy loser living in his and his wife’s house for free. He also dislikes the fact that Andrew, who is unemployed, doesn’t seem to have any intention of finding a job so that he will eventually be able to support himself and move out of Karl and Velaina’s house. Also, Karl has a growing suspicion that the relationship between Andrew and Velaina is not platonic.

Karl is right to have this suspicion. After Andrew moved into Karl and Velaina’s house, Velaina very quickly got into the habit of carrying on her affair with Andrew at every opportunity.

Often, on days that Velaina and Karl are scheduled to work at their respective workplaces, Velaina will take the afternoon off so that she can return to the house and carry on her affair with Andrew while Karl is still away at his workplace.

Velaina and Karl are letting Andrew use the house’s guest bedroom as his bedroom. The guest bedroom is located next to Velaina and Karl’s bedroom, much to Velaina’s convenience, as Velaina often visits Andrew in the guest bedroom at nights while Karl is asleep.

But the best opportunities for Velaina to cheat on Karl with Andrew occur whenever Karl is away on business trips. Karl’s job requires that Karl go on business trips quite often. These trips usually cause Karl to be far, far away from the house and Velaina and Andrew for several days. Whenever another one of Karl’s business trips is upcoming, Velaina counts down the days remaining until Karl’s departure, lovingly crossing out each passing day on her calendar.

Sometimes, while Andrew is in the guest bedroom, he overhears the sounds of Velaina and Karl arguing with each other very loudly in their bedroom. Because of the thickness of the wall between the 2 bedrooms, Andrew can never hear specifically what Velaina and Karl are arguing about, but Andrew has no doubt that his presence in the house is the cause of the arguments. Andrew is fully aware that his presence in the house is causing Karl and Velaina’s marriage to deteriorate. Of course, Andrew isn’t bothered by the fact that he is ruining a marriage. It is just something that he is aware of.

Eventually, Velaina and Karl get a divorce. As a result of the divorce, Velaina gets to keep the vast majority of money and assets that she and Karl shared as a married couple. Among the assets that Velaina gets to keep is the house. So now Karl is gone from the house, and only Velaina and Andrew are living in the house. It is around this time that Andrew realizes that Velaina, despite her low opinion of Andrew, has come to think of him as her boyfriend, and expects him to be faithful to her. Andrew doesn’t dispute this expectation, as he knows that doing that might make her angry with him. He wants to keep her happy with him so that she will continue letting him live in her house for free.

Since Andrew lost nearly all of his money and all of his assets, it has been his goal to become rich again. Andrew intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman. Unbeknownst to Velaina, on nights that she is stuck at her workplace very late or out somewhere with her female friends, Andrew visits a very exclusive nightclub whose clientele is primarily rich people. Andrew became a regular patron of the nightclub when he was still rich. The nightclub’s staff members are all familiar with Andrew. The staff members are all unaware that Andrew is no longer rich, so they have been continuing to allow him into the nightclub. Many of the nightclub’s clientele are rich, beautiful, single women. Whenever Andrew is visiting the nightclub, he attempts to seduce rich, beautiful, single women, with the intention of eventually conning one of these women into a marriage, thereby gaining access to her fortune. Although Andrew has been successful in seducing many of these rich, beautiful, single women, he has thus far been unable to con any of them into marrying him. Thus far, all of the rich, beautiful, single women he cheated on Velaina with were not interested in having any kind of a long-term relationship with him. But Andrew is certain that if he continues to pursue his goal, he will eventually be successful in marrying a rich woman for her money. But as that goal has not been completed thus far, he intends to continue living in Velaina’s house for the time being, as it is still the best living option currently available to him for various reasons, including: that Velaina’s house is a very nice place to live in, much nicer than most non-rich people’s houses; that Andrew is getting to live there for free; that living there allows him to have frequent access to Velaina; and that, because of Velaina’s very time-consuming job and Velaina’s frequent outings with her female friends, Andrew has plenty of opportunities to cheat on Velaina with other beautiful women and pursue his goal of marrying a rich woman for her money. For all of those reasons, Andrew needs his current living arrangement with Velaina to remain intact for the time being.

Initially, Karl’s absence from the house was not having any detrimental effect on Velaina and Andrew’s relationship. Velaina was happy that she no longer had to carry on her relationship with Andrew in secrecy. However, Velaina has been developing feelings of resentment toward Andrew. Now that Karl is gone, Velaina is the house’s only income earner. Velaina has begun to dislike the idea of a sleazy loser living in her house for free. She also is annoyed that Andrew has not expressed any interest in getting married to her.

One evening, Velaina comes home from work. Andrew is sitting on a couch in the house’s living room, watching television and eating potato chips. Velaina reveals to Andrew that she has been cheating on him with one of her male clients. She tells Andrew that this client is very rich and much more attractive than Andrew. She tells Andrew that the client asked her to marry him. She tells Andrew that she accepted the client’s marriage proposal. She tells Andrew that she wants nothing more to do with him. She tells Andrew to get out of her house immediately and never come back.

And that was how Andrew got evicted from Velaina’s house, and how Velaina became rich.

EPISODE 3: ENTER PUSTILLA

Formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is in need of an inexpensive place to stay at. Currently, his living options are very limited.

Before Andrew was deservedly stripped of nearly all of his money and all of his assets, including his mansion, he had many rich acquaintances. However, all of those people now want nothing to do with Andrew, now that he is no longer rich. So, of course, none of those people would be willing to provide shelter to Andrew.

Over the past few years, Andrew seduced many, many beautiful women. He briefly thinks that perhaps one of those women would be willing to let him live in her home for free. But then Andrew quickly remembers that each of those women now despises him for one reason or another.

Andrew then remembers that he has a non-rich male friend named Martin Pimbly. Andrew and Martin attended the same college during the same time period. They met each other during their first semester. Like Andrew, Martin is a despicable person. Unlike Andrew, Martin is not at all good at attracting women. When Andrew was still rich, he often jokingly thought of Martin as Andrew’s unattractive, non-rich doppelganger. Andrew has not spoken with Martin for quite some time. Andrew recalls that, as of his most recent conversation with Martin, Martin was living alone in an apartment. Andrew intends to manipulate Martin into letting Andrew live in Martin’s apartment for free.

After getting back in touch with Martin, Andrew learns that Martin now has a girlfriend named Pustilla, and that Martin and Pustilla are now sharing an apartment. Martin invites Andrew to come to the apartment in the evening to meet Pustilla and see the apartment and have dinner with Martin and Pustilla.

Martin extended this invitation to Andrew because Martin had been envious of Andrew for years and had felt vastly inferior to Andrew for years and was happy that Andrew was no longer rich and wanted to see first-hand how miserable and desperate Andrew had become since losing nearly all of his money and all of his assets.

Andrew accepts Martin’s invitation. In the evening, Andrew goes to Martin and Pustilla’s apartment with the intention of manipulating Martin and Pustilla into letting Andrew live in the apartment for free.

Martin lets Andrew into the apartment. It is nicer than Andrew had expected.

Then Andrew sees Pustilla for the first time. Andrew instantly dislikes her. He thinks that she has a face that could crack a mirror. He doesn’t like the rest of her body either. It doesn’t surprise Andrew that this woman is Martin’s girlfriend. Martin has a long history of having girlfriends that are repulsive by Andrew’s standards.

Martin introduces Andrew and Pustilla to each other. Andrew is acting polite toward Martin and Pustilla, doing his best to not offend either of them, as Andrew still intends to ask Martin and Pustilla to let Andrew live in the apartment for free. However, as Andrew is conversing with Martin and Pustilla, Andrew is secretly thinking about how horrible it must be for Martin to have to settle for women like Pustilla, and how lucky Andrew is to be attractive enough to gain access to beautiful women instead.

Later, Andrew, Martin, and Pustilla are all sitting at the table in the apartment’s dining room, conversing and having dinner together. Andrew has still not yet made his request to be allowed to live in this apartment for free. He is biding his time, waiting for the moment when Martin and Pustilla seem most susceptible.

It is becoming increasingly obvious to Andrew, but not to Martin, that Pustilla is very attracted to Andrew. Sitting across the table from Andrew, she has been looking at him amorously and making subtly suggestive remarks to him, remarks which Martin doesn’t realize are suggestive, as he is an oblivious idiot. Pustilla’s desire for Andrew doesn’t surprise Andrew. Every previous girlfriend of Martin’s that Andrew ever met ended up revealing a desire for Andrew to Andrew. In fact, Andrew would have been more surprised if Pustilla didn’t demonstrate any desire for him. Andrew has never stolen any of Martin’s girlfriends. This is not out of any sense of loyalty to Martin, but rather because Andrew has never found any of Martin’s girlfriends attractive. Andrew doesn’t find Pustilla attractive. The very thought of being with her causes Andrew to shudder.

It is also becoming increasingly obvious to Andrew that Pustilla has complete control over Martin. Martin will do anything she asks of him, unquestionably. Thus far, it seems to Andrew that Martin is utterly incapable of expressing any thought that Pustilla isn’t in agreement with. As Martin is telling Andrew about various major life-changing decisions Martin recently made, Andrew realizes that these decisions are all decisions Martin would not have made without Pustilla’s influence.

Pustilla is telling Andrew about her successful career. “The reason that I am so successful in my career is because I always remain determined to get exactly what I want,” Pustilla says. “I always find a way to get exactly what I want, no matter how elusive my object of desire might be.” Although Martin remains oblivious, Andrew knows that Pustilla is subtly implying to Andrew that she will get to have him. Andrew smiles, confident that Pustilla will never, ever get to have him. Andrew finds great comfort in this conviction, as the idea of being with Pustilla is disgusting and horrible to him.

Andrew then decides that his moment to take action has come. He explains to Martin and Pustilla his current need for a place to stay at, trying to make the situation sound as sad as possible. Andrew then asks Martin and Pustilla if they would allow Andrew to live with them in their apartment for free for an indefinite amount of time.

Martin, who has gotten used to Pustilla telling him what to do, looks at her, waiting for her to indicate to him what his viewpoint toward Andrew’s request should be.

Much to Andrew’s surprise, Pustilla doesn’t instantly grant Andrew’s request to live in the apartment with her and Martin. Andrew figured she would be quite easy to manipulate, given her obvious attraction to Andrew. However, Pustilla says that she is not sure how she should respond to Andrew’s request. She says that she isn’t entirely sure if Andrew moving into the apartment is a good idea. She says that she isn’t sure that Andrew is her idea of an ideal roommate.

At that moment, Andrew realizes that, unbeknownst to Martin, one of Pustilla’s feet is rubbing up against Andrew underneath the table. It is then that Andrew realizes that, in order to live in this nice apartment for free, he is going to have to pay a horrible, horrible price, over and over again. Pustilla is going to get exactly what she wants, over and over again.

Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew begins to gently massage Pustilla’s foot underneath the table. “I will do whatever I need to do to be your ideal roommate,” Andrew says, speaking to Pustilla.

Pustilla tells Andrew that he can live in her and Martin’s apartment for free, but she warns Andrew that she will evict him from the apartment if he ever stops being her idea of an ideal roommate. Andrew knows what that means.

Andrew moves into the apartment that same evening. Since the apartment only has one bedroom, which is where Martin and Pustilla sleep, Andrew is to sleep on the couch in the apartment’s living room.

Later, after Martin has fallen asleep in the bedroom, Pustilla gets out of their bed. She goes into the living room to get what she wants.

EPISODE 4: AT THE GYM

Before formerly rich person Andrew Squervil was stripped of his status as a rich person, he became a member of a gym that is located in the very upper-class neighborhood that Andrew used to live in. Because of the gym’s location, many of the gym’s members are rich people. Andrew, whose membership with the gym is still in effect, noticed that many of the gym’s members are rich, beautiful, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich again. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her fortune. For that reason, he has been visiting the gym quite often lately, hoping to meet a rich single woman that he could potentially con into a marriage.

One afternoon, while Andrew is at the gym, he notices 2 women walking on treadmills next to each other. The 2 women are conversing with each other. Andrew presumes that the 2 women are friends with each other. One of the women is a petite blonde. The other woman is a very tall, very muscular brunette. Andrew finds both women attractive, but he is more interested in wooing the blonde, as he thinks the brunette looks quite unfriendly, whereas he thinks the blonde looks quite sociable, and therefore easier for him to seduce.

Andrew approaches the blonde. He begins talking to her, trying to seduce her. He is quite good at seducing women. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

However, Andrew has made a terrible mistake in his interpretation of the relationship between the blonde and the brunette. The 2 women are not friends with each other. The 2 women are in a committed, romantic relationship with each other. The blonde explains this to Andrew while the brunette, who has been angrily watching Andrew trying to seduce her girlfriend, gets off of the treadmill. The brunette proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 5: THE HYPNOTISTRESS

Currently, formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is living in the apartment of his friend Martin Pimbly and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla. It is the best living option currently available to Andrew. Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew has been carrying on an affair with Pustilla. Pustilla initiated the affair. Andrew does not like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive, but he wants to keep her happy so she won’t evict him from the apartment. Andrew hates being with Pustilla. He hoped that it would get easier over time, but it hasn’t. Before this affair began, Andrew never got intimately involved with women he didn’t find attractive. In fact, Andrew has a long history of seducing many, many beautiful women on a regular basis. For Andrew, to go from that to an affair with Pustilla is like going from eating only the finest foods on a regular basis to eating vomit.

Andrew tries to console himself with the idea that this situation between him and Pustilla is only temporary; that he will someday find a better living option and thus won’t need to provide gratification to Pustilla anymore; that he will someday be free of Pustilla.

One afternoon, upon the recommendation of Martin, Andrew goes to see a female hypnotist, also known as a hypnotistress. Martin received the hypnotistress’ services a week earlier. One of the hypnotistress’ many abilities is that, through hypnosis, she can manipulate the subconscious part of a client’s mind so that the client will forever after have a specific recurring dream whenever they are asleep. The hypnotistress has caused many of her clients to have pleasant recurring dreams as requested by the clients. The recurring dreams the hypnotistress creates for her clients usually have to do with some kind of wish fulfillment. In Martin’s case, the hypnotistress, per Martin’s request and unbeknownst to Pustilla, caused Martin to have a permanently recurring dream in which he is having an intimate encounter with a beautiful, famous female celebrity named Lililalaya. Andrew finds Lililalaya very attractive and thus wants to have a similar recurring dream involving him and her.

Andrew meets the hypnotistress at her place of business. Andrew immediately notices that the hypnotistress is a very attractive woman. He decides that he will try to seduce her after their business transaction has concluded.

The hypnotistress’ name is Ursula. Unbeknownst to Andrew, he met Ursula on a previous occasion. Also unbeknownst to Andrew, he already seduced Ursula on that previous occasion. It is not unusual that Andrew does not recall his previous encounter with Ursula. He has seduced so many women over the years that it is inevitable that he doesn’t remember all of them. Although Andrew does not remember his previous encounter with Ursula, she remembers it very well, including the part where Andrew told her that he didn’t want anything more to do with her now that he had completed his seduction of her.

At the moment, Ursula is very pleased that Andrew does not remember her. Instead of reminding Andrew of their past together, she asks Andrew what services he wants from her. Andrew tells her of his desire to have a permanently recurring dream in which he is having an intimate encounter with the beautiful, famous female celebrity Lililalaya.

Ursula proceeds to hypnotize Andrew.

Some time later, Ursula frees Andrew from her hypnotic spell. Andrew asks her if she gave him the dream he asked for. It is then that Ursula tells Andrew about her previous encounter with him. Then, with malicious glee, Ursula reveals to Andrew that, while he was under her hypnotic spell, she manipulated the subconscious part of his mind so that he will have a permanently recurring dream in which he is re-experiencing his most unpleasant memory. Ursula then tells Andrew to remove himself from her place of business. Andrew leaves Ursula’s place of business, feeling very worried and hearing Ursula’s laughter behind him.

Later, in the late evening, Andrew falls asleep on the couch in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. While Andrew is sleeping, he begins to have a terrible, terrible nightmare in which he is having an intimate encounter with Pustilla. Although it is just a nightmare, it feels just as awful as Andrew’s real-life intimate encounters with Pustilla.

After having this nightmare for what seems like a near-eternity, Andrew wakes up, sweating profusely. He realizes that the nightmare he had is the permanently recurring dream Ursula gave him. He realizes that he will now have this dream whenever he is asleep. He realizes that, now, no matter what he does, he will never be free of Pustilla.

EPISODE 6: UPCOMING CRUISE

One day, Martin Pimbly has a surprise for his girlfriend Pustilla, who he shares an apartment with. The surprise is that Martin purchased himself and Pustilla 2 tickets for a 3-week cruise. The cruise will take place on a very large, very fancy ship. On the cruise, the ship will take its guests to an ocean located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world.

Upon learning of Martin’s surprise, Pustilla is thrilled, as she has never been on a cruise before.

Upon learning that Martin and Pustilla are going to be away on a cruise for 3 weeks, Martin’s friend Andrew Squervil is also thrilled, but for a different reason. Currently, Martin and Pustilla are letting Andrew live in their apartment for free. This is the best living option currently available to Andrew, who is unemployed and nearly broke. Andrew, who is a despicable person, wants to continue living there until he achieves his goal of marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew has been carrying on an affair with Pustilla. Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive, but he wants her to have incentive to not evict him from the apartment. For that reason, he has been carrying on the affair with her. Andrew hates being with Pustilla, which is why he is thrilled that Martin and Pustilla will be away on the cruise for 3 weeks. For Andrew, any time apart from Pustilla is welcome, and 3 whole weeks apart from Pustilla is more than welcome.

But then, some time before the cruise, Pustilla, who doesn’t want to be apart from Andrew for 3 whole weeks, encourages Martin to purchase a third ticket for the cruise, so that Andrew can come with them on the cruise. Pustilla tells Martin that it will be a nice gesture of friendship. Martin, who is an oblivious idiot who always does whatever Pustilla asks of him, purchases a third cruise ticket for Andrew.

Later, Martin and Pustilla surprise Andrew with the news that he will be going on the cruise with them. Andrew smiles, although what he really wants to do is scream.

EPISODE 7: CRUISE

Currently, formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is on a cruise. The cruise is taking place on a very large ship. The ship has taken its guests to an ocean located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world.

Also on the cruise are Andrew’s friend Martin Pimbly and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla. Andrew is currently living in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. Martin and Pustilla are allowing Andrew to live there for free. Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew has been carrying on an affair with Pustilla. Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. He has only been carrying on the affair with her because he wants her to have incentive to not evict him from the apartment.

Andrew, who was deservedly stripped of his wealthy status as a result of a lawsuit, desperately wants to be rich again. Thus far, he has been unsuccessful in achieving that goal.

Andrew is not having a good time on the cruise. Every night thus far, after Martin fell asleep, Pustilla took the opportunity to carry on her affair with Andrew.

However, Andrew’s cruise experience becomes slightly less unpleasant when he meets a beautiful woman named Zana. Zana is also a guest on the cruise. At first, Andrew thinks Zana is married because of the diamond ring she is wearing on her left hand. But, as he learns from her, she is recently divorced.

Later, in the room that Zana is staying in, Andrew completes his seduction of her. It was a particularly good experience for Andrew, as it helped him rid the horrible taste of Pustilla from his mouth.

Andrew is aware that Zana has developed strong feelings for him. Andrew doesn’t feel the same way about Zana though. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He views Zana as nothing more than a source of gratification. He intends to continue having his fun with her for the remainder of the cruise, then end their relationship when the cruise is over.

One evening, a few days before the cruise is to end, Andrew and Zana are taking a romantic stroll along the outside part of the ship.

“I’ve fallen in love with you, Andrew,” Zana says.

“And I’ve fallen in love with you, Zana,” Andrew says, lying.

Zana shows Andrew the diamond ring she is wearing. She tells Andrew that this ring was given to her by her now-ex-husband Frederick when he proposed to her. Zana tells Andrew that Frederick is a very, very rich man. Zana tells Andrew that, prior to getting married, Frederick had Zana sign a prenuptial agreement, which said that she would not get to keep any of his money should they ever get divorced. Zana tells Andrew that this diamond ring that Frederick bought her is the only thing from her marriage that she got to keep after it ended. Zana tells Andrew that the ring is absurdly valuable; that it is a very rare artifact from an ancient, fallen empire; that Frederick purchased the ring from a museum for a considerable amount of money, nearly half of his fortune. She tells Andrew that there are various museums that would gladly purchase the ring from her for even more money than Frederick paid for it. Zana tells Andrew that she knew that it would be sensible of her to sell the ring to one of the museums so that she would be rich again, but that she was conflicted about doing so, as she felt that being rich made her into a very horrible, self-absorbed person, and that she doesn’t want to go back to being that way; but that she didn’t know if she would ever be able to have a happy life without being rich. Zana tells Andrew that her time with him these last few days resolved this conflict for her; that Andrew made her realize that she doesn’t need to be rich to find happiness; that Andrew can provide her with more happiness than any amount of money. Before Andrew has an opportunity to react to all this new information, Zana takes off her ring and throws it into the ocean.

Andrew is stunned. He realizes that a very valuable ring that he could sell to a museum to become rich again has just been thrown into the ocean.

“I love you, Andrew,” Zana says, closing her eyes and leaning in to kiss him.

Andrew jumps off the ship, into the ocean, hoping to retrieve the ring.

He is frantically swimming around in the ocean, desperately trying to find the ring. But he can’t find it.

Then, as if the ocean is conspiring against him, rapid, massive waves begin moving him further and further away from the ship, until it is nowhere in sight.

And that was how Andrew got stranded at sea.

EPISODE 8: JOURNEY TO ILGANA’S ISLAND

Currently, despicable formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is stranded at sea. This situation is the result of Andrew’s most recent failed attempt to become rich again.

At the moment, Andrew is laying on top of a large log that is floating in an ocean located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. There is no land nor boats in sight. After being separated from the cruise ship that brought him to this ocean, Andrew eventually was brought by the ocean’s waves to this floating log, which he is now relying on to prevent himself from drowning.

Andrew sees a dead fish floating nearby. He grabs it and begins eating it. Since becoming stranded at sea, he has been satisfying his body’s need for food and water by drinking ocean water and eating whatever dead fish and seaweed happen to float by. As Andrew expected, the dead fish he is currently eating tastes terrible, but he continues to eat it anyway.

The idea of eating something that he knew would taste terrible reminds Andrew of a woman named Pustilla. Pustilla is the girlfriend of Andrew’s friend Martin Pimbly. Martin and Pustilla live together in an apartment. Prior to going on the cruise that brought him to this ocean, Andrew was staying at Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. Martin and Pustilla were letting Andrew stay there for free. Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew was carrying on a secret affair with Pustilla. Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive, but he was carrying on the affair with her so that she would have incentive to not evict him from the apartment. Andrew hated being with Pustilla. He thinks that, assuming he never escapes from his current situation, the only good thing to come out of his getting stranded at sea is that he will never be with Pustilla again, except in his recurring nightmare. Andrew vows to himself that, if he ever gets back to civilization, he will have dalliances with only women he finds attractive.

A few days later, while Andrew is sleeping on the log, it begins drifting toward a very large island. A little later, Andrew is woken up by a sharp pain in his right arm. Both he and the log are laying on a beach, only a few feet away from the ocean. Standing around Andrew and looking down at him are 5 stunningly beautiful bikini-clad women. One of the women is poking Andrew’s right arm with a long stick, trying to wake Andrew up, inadvertently causing the sharp pain in his right arm. Upon realizing he is awake, she stops poking him.

The 5 women look equally confused by Andrew’s presence. They also look quite disgusted by Andrew. Even though Andrew is a very attractive man, the many days he spent stranded at sea have caused him to look quite unsightly.

One of the women ask the others what they should do with him. Another one of the women says they should bring him to Ilgana and let her decide what to do with him. The 5 women collectively pick Andrew up and begin carrying him somewhere.

As Andrew is being carried, he notices dozens of other stunningly beautiful bikini-clad women sunning themselves on the beach. Andrew has never seen this many beautiful women in one place before. He briefly wonders if he has died and been granted access to some kind of wonderful afterlife. Now Andrew is being carried through what appears to be the street of a village. He notices many, many more stunningly beautiful women on this street. Since arriving on this island, Andrew has thus far not seen a single person who isn’t a stunningly beautiful woman. Andrew still has no idea where he is, but he has ascertained that it is a paradise of some kind.

Andrew is now being carried toward a very large castle. Andrew is now being carried into the castle. From what Andrew can see, its interior is much more modern-looking than its exterior. The castle’s interior very much reminds Andrew of the mansion he used to live in before he was deservedly stripped of his wealthy status.

The 5 women who found Andrew deposit him on to the floor. One of the women calls out for Ilgana. Andrew sees another woman coming down a very long nearby staircase. Unlike every other woman Andrew has seen on the island thus far, the woman coming down the staircase is not someone Andrew finds attractive. Quite the opposite actually. Andrew thinks that her face, as well as every other part of her, could crack a mirror. The woman, who is now at the bottom of the staircase, introduces herself as Ilgana.

Ilgana asks the 5 other women where they found Andrew. One of them responds that they found him washed up on the beach. Andrew explains how he got stranded at sea, omitting the parts of that story that demonstrate what a sleazy, despicable person he is.

Andrew asks Ilgana where he is. Ilgana tells Andrew that she is a very, very wealthy heiress; that this entire island belongs to her; that many, many years ago, as a way of sustaining and growing her wealth, she purchased this island and turned it into a very exclusive, very top-secret resort for female models, and female models only; that, since the resort’s inception, thousands of female models have paid Ilgana to be granted access to the resort, where the models could escape the stressors that come from being a female model. Ilgana tells Andrew that every female model who visits the island resort returns from it completely relaxed and completely refreshed and ready to handle all challenges awaiting them.

Ilgana tells Andrew that the exclusivity of the island resort is a key element of maintaining the specialness of the place; that the resort would be ruined if other people, particularly men, were granted access to it; that, for that reason, the island’s existence is not known to most people, and the island’s location does not appear on any maps; and that, in order to maintain the island’s secrecy, Ilgana makes all of the female models visiting the island sign contracts agreeing to not tell other people about the island’s existence; and that any female model who violates their contract will be subjected to a very severe financial penalty.

Ilgana tells Andrew that his arrival on the island creates a problem for her; that, because he is aware of the island’s existence, and because he is not bound to any confidentiality contract like the female models are, she can not allow him to leave the island; that, in order to prevent him from potentially revealing the island’s existence to other people, she will have to keep him confined to this island for the rest of his life.

Andrew’s eyes begin to water, but his tears are of joy, not sadness. Since being stripped of his wealthy status, he has suffered so much, in many different ways. But now he is convinced that his days of suffering are now behind him; that he is going to get to spend the rest of his life on an island full of stunningly beautiful women. Andrew tells Ilgana that he accepts her decision; that he will do his best to adjust to his new circumstances; that he will try to make the best of the situation; that he will try to be a valuable addition to her island, including doing whatever he can to help make each visiting female model’s experience on this island as pleasurable as possible.

Ilgana laughs. “You don’t seem to fully comprehend the situation you are in,” she says, speaking to Andrew. Ilgana tells Andrew that she is a woman who very much values monogamy; that she would never want to be directly or indirectly responsible for the dissolution of a monogamous relationship between 2 people. Ilgana tells Andrew that many of the female models visiting the island are in committed, monogamous relationships with boyfriends or husbands; and that, in order to prevent those female models from being tempted to cheat on their significant others with Andrew while visiting the island, Andrew will have to be contained somewhere where he will never be able to have any contact with the female models. Ilgana tells Andrew that, although his life will be very unpleasant from here on out, he can comfort himself with the knowledge that his confinement is helping to protect the sanctity of many, many monogamous relationships.

“Bring him downstairs to the dungeon,” Ilgana says, speaking to the 5 women who found Andrew.

Andrew begins to object to what is happening to him. Realizing that Andrew will not go to the dungeon voluntarily, one of the 5 women who found Andrew hits him on the head with a large object, causing him to become unconscious.

A little later, Andrew is woken up by a sharp pain in his right arm. He is laying on the floor inside an unpleasant-looking, locked prison cell. Standing outside the cell and looking down at Andrew through the cell’s metal bars are Ilgana and the 5 women who found Andrew. One of the 5 women who found Andrew is poking his right arm through the bars with a long stick, trying to wake him up, inadvertently causing the sharp pain in his right arm. Upon realizing he is awake, she stops poking him.

Ilgana tells Andrew that one of her unattractive maids will be down shortly to bring him dinner and toiletries. Ilgana and the 5 stunningly beautiful women then leave the dungeon. A few minutes later, as promised, one of Ilgana’s unattractive maids brings Andrew toiletries and his dinner. His dinner is a dead fish.

EPISODE 9: ESCAPE FROM ILGANA’S ISLAND

In an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, there is a large island that is owned by a very wealthy woman named Ilgana. Ilgana lives in a very large castle on the island. Within the castle is a dungeon. Within the dungeon are many prison cells. All but one of the prison cells is devoid of people. The one cell that is not unoccupied is occupied by Ilgana’s sole prisoner, despicable person Andrew Squervil.

Andrew has been Ilgana’s prisoner for quite some time now. His imprisonment is the result of his most recent misadventure. Andrew became stranded at sea after being separated from a cruise ship he was on. Eventually, he washed up on this island. At first, the island seemed like some kind of wonderful paradise to Andrew, particularly due to the fact that the island’s population is made up almost entirely of stunningly beautiful women. Andrew, who is very good at seducing beautiful women, thought that he would very much enjoy his stay on the island. However, before Andrew could have had the opportunity to indulge in the carnal delights that the island has to offer, he was imprisoned by Ilgana, the ruler of the island. Now, instead of spending his days seducing stunningly beautiful women, Andrew spends his days sitting in his cell and surviving on a steady diet of dead fish and water that his captor was providing him to survive.

At nights, Andrew sleeps, but not soundly. This is due to a recurring nightmare he has in which he is having an intimate encounter with a woman from his past named Pustilla. Pustilla is the girlfriend of Andrew’s friend Martin. Andrew does not like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive, but, for reasons not related to love nor lust, he was carrying on an affair with her, unbeknownst to Martin. Andrew hated being with Pustilla. He vows to himself that, if he ever escapes from his current situation, he will have dalliances with only women he finds attractive.

Andrew has not seen Ilgana since the first day of his imprisonment. Since then, his only visitors have been Ilgana’s unattractive female maids, who only visit him when they are bringing him food, toiletries, and other such things.

One evening, Ilgana’s unattractive maid Gorla delivers Andrew’s dinner to him. As she is leaving the dungeon, Gorla, who usually never speaks to Andrew during her visits, tells Andrew that he looks quite handsome today. From that comment, Andrew concludes that Gorla has become infatuated with him. That does not surprise Andrew, as many, many women have become infatuated with him over the years. Andrew comes to the sinking realization that Gorla might be his only way to escape from his prison; that he will have to charm Gorla into helping him escape; that he will have to feign attraction to Gorla, who he finds disgusting.

So Andrew begins conversing with Gorla whenever she is visiting the dungeon to bring him food, toiletries, and other such things. At first, Gorla is quite weary of Andrew, and with good reason, but over time she becomes more and more susceptible to Andrew’s manipulative behavior, becoming more and more infatuated with him. One day, while Gorla is visiting Andrew, Andrew initiates a kiss between him and Gorla through his prison cell’s metal bars. It is an unpleasant experience for Andrew, but he feels it is a necessary part of his escape plan. He only hopes that his relationship with Gorla won’t have to get any more intimate than that in order to achieve his goal of escaping.

Following the kiss, Andrew tells Gorla that he is in love with her. This certainly isn’t the first time that Andrew pretended to be in love with a woman in order to achieve an ulterior motive.

“I love you too, Andrew,” Gorla says. “I love you so much.”

Andrew then convinces Gorla that it is in her best interests to help him escape from his prison; that if she releases him from the prison cell, they could then flee from the island together and get married and live happily ever after together. Gorla knows that helping Andrew escape would ruin her working relationship with Ilgana, of whom she has been working for for quite some time now. Gorla knows that helping Andrew escape would mean the end of her job as Ilgana’s maid and the end of her life on the island, which she quite enjoys. But Gorla’s feelings for Andrew are too strong to resist. So, during an evening, while Ilgana is asleep, Gorla steals Ilgana’s key to Andrew’s cell, and then releases Andrew from his cell, and then, using a stolen speedboat, flees from the island with Andrew, out to the ocean.

As Gorla is driving the speedboat away, with Andrew standing next to her, she looks back at the island sadly, thinking about how much she has sacrificed for Andrew. But then she looks at Andrew and becomes convinced that it was all worth it.

Then Andrew looks back at the island sadly. He thinks about the many, many stunningly beautiful women on the island who he never got an opportunity to seduce. He knows that, had he stayed on the island after being freed by Gorla, he would have just gotten re-imprisoned by Ilgana. But he still can’t help feeling a sense of loss.

Andrew then turns to Gorla, who is smiling at him lovingly. Andrew does not think she is useful to him anymore, so he pushes her off of the speedboat, into the ocean, then begins driving the speedboat far, far away. Andrew presumes that, after Gorla realizes Andrew has really abandoned her and isn’t coming back, she will have no choice but to swim back to the island and run the risk of facing Ilgana’s wrath. Andrew imagines a scenario that he finds funny. In the imagined scenario, Ilgana wakes up in the morning, then finds out Andrew is gone, then finds more than enough evidence illustrating Gorla’s involvement with the escape, then punishes Gorla by imprisoning her in the dungeon. The thought of Gorla imprisoned in Andrew’s former prison cell amuses Andrew greatly.

Then, in the very early morning, after Andrew is much, much farther away from the island, too far to swim back, the speedboat capsizes, causing Andrew to fall into the ocean. Then the speedboat sinks to the bottom of the ocean.

A few minutes later, Andrew, who is desperately trying to stay afloat, sees another speedboat going by. The driver of the speedboat is a married man who is on vacation with his wife. Standing next to the man is his wife, and standing next to his wife is Gorla, who the married couple found and rescued from the ocean. Andrew is waving for help, trying to get their attention. Neither the man nor his wife have noticed Andrew, but Gorla has noticed him. However, instead of pointing Andrew out to the married couple, Gorla keeps quiet. The speedboat moves farther and farther away from Andrew, taking Gorla to her new life, whatever that will be.

And so Andrew is once again stranded at sea.

EPISODE 10: WHALE EXCREMENT

Currently, despicable formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is in a situation he doesn’t want to be in. As a result of his most recent misadventure, Andrew is stranded at sea in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. At the moment, Andrew is staying afloat by laying on what he initially thought was a very large floating log, but what he later realized was a very large, atypically solid, floating piece of whale excrement, courtesy of one of the many whales that live in this ocean that Andrew is trapped in. With no land nor boats nearby, Andrew realizes that dying on a piece of whale excrement is a very real possibility for him. Andrew thinks that, given the various misfortunes that have recently befallen him, this kind of death would be thematically consistent; that the only more thematically consistent death would be if one of the nearby whales devours him and subsequently converts him into something similar to what he is now relying on to stay afloat.

With nothing to do but think, Andrew begins reflecting on his life. Andrew, who isn’t a very deep person, thinks about various things that caused him happiness: the life of luxury he was born into; the many, many beautiful women he seduced; etcetera. Then Andrew thinks about various things that caused him unhappiness: the woman who successfully sued him for his entire fortune, thereby stripping him of his wealthy status; the angry female bodybuilder who pummeled Andrew mercilessly for trying to seduce her girlfriend; the unattractive woman who Andrew had a secret affair with so that she would continue letting Andrew live in her and her boyfriend’s apartment for free; etcetera.

Andrew has a goal to become rich again. He planned to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. There was a time when Andrew, who is very good at seducing beautiful women, thought that he could easily achieve this goal. But now, laying on a piece of whale excrement in the middle of an ocean, Andrew feels that he is as far away from his goal as he could possibly be.

EPISODE 11: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

Currently, in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, despicable formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is stranded at sea. Andrew has been trapped in this situation for quite some time now.

Some time ago, Andrew was very wealthy and living in a mansion in his native land, a country located on the other side of the planet. But then, as a result of a lawsuit against him, Andrew was deservedly stripped of nearly all of his money and all of his assets, including his mansion. And then, as a result of various bad decisions, Andrew ended up where he is now: in an ocean, and far, far away from land of any kind.

Since being stripped of his wealthy status, Andrew has had a goal to become rich again. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. There was a time when this goal seemed attainable to Andrew. But now, here in this ocean of which there seemed to be no escape from, Andrew feels that he is as far away from his goal as he could possibly be.

Then Andrew sees a boat in the distance. The boat is coming toward him.

The person driving the boat is a beautiful woman named Callandra. She lives on a large island located in this exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. Callandra rescues Andrew from the ocean and brings him to the island. She takes him to her house, where she intends to provide him with food and shelter. After Andrew cleans himself up in Callandra’s bathroom, he joins Callandra in her dining room to have a meal that she prepared for him.

While having this meal, Andrew tells Callandra the story of how he ended up stranded at sea in this part of the world, although Andrew’s version of the story makes him seem like an admirable person, which he is not.

Andrew asks Callandra about the island and whether he will be able to get back to his native land from here. Callandra tells Andrew that this island has been populated by many people for many, many years; that its existence is kept in secrecy and is unknown to most people throughout the world; that the island’s location does not appear on any maps; that the island is a wonderful, wonderful place that all of its residents cherish; that, although transportation from this island back to Andrew’s native land can be easily arranged for Andrew, it is likely that he will never want to leave the island after becoming more familiar with it.

Since Andrew cleaned himself up in Callandra’s bathroom, Callandra has noticed that Andrew is actually quite attractive. Likewise, Andrew has noticed that Callandra is a beautiful woman. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. Andrew doesn’t plan to stay on this island very long, so he decides to indulge in Callandra while the opportunity is still available. So after finishing his meal, Andrew seduces Callandra.

Afterwards, Callandra tells Andrew that they will have to go meet with the island’s queen in a little while. Andrew doesn’t know what Callandra is talking about. Callandra explains to Andrew that the island is ruled by a queen; that the queen lives in a mansion in the center of the island; that the queen is a rich, single woman; that the queen is a very, very beautiful woman; that all of the island’s residents consider her to be the most beautiful woman who has ever existed; that the queen has many, many suitors; that it is a custom of the island that the queen meet all new guests to the island.

Although Andrew finds it highly unlikely that the queen is the most beautiful woman who has ever existed, he is excited about the idea of meeting her, given that she is rich, single, and apparently beautiful. Andrew thinks that perhaps he will be able to seduce the queen and subsequently marry her for her money. Andrew thinks that perhaps he will end up remaining on this island and living happily ever after here.

Later, Callandra brings Andrew to the queen’s mansion, which is the finest mansion Andrew has ever seen. As Andrew and Callandra enter the mansion, Andrew notices that the queen’s maids are all very attractive women. Some of these maids are looking at Andrew amorously.

One of the maids escorts Andrew and Callandra into the queen’s parlor, then tells them that the queen will be joining them shortly.

Later, the queen enters the parlor. Andrew immediately notices that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, far more beautiful than Callandra and every other beautiful woman Andrew has ever seduced. Andrew is now in agreement that the queen is the most beautiful woman who has ever existed.

Callandra introduces Andrew to the queen. Andrew begins conversing with the queen, charming her, making a very strong effort to trick her into falling in love with him, as he has done with so many other women. The queen is quite taken with Andrew. In fact, Callandra, who is good friends with the queen, has never seen the queen this taken with anyone before. Callandra did not expect that the queen would respond this positively to Andrew. The queen tells Andrew that she will be having a small dinner party here in the mansion tomorrow night; that she would love it if Andrew attended the party so that she would have the opportunity to get to know him better. Andrew gladly accepts the invitation. Callandra notices that she wasn’t invited to the queen’s dinner party.

After saying goodbye to the queen, Andrew and Callandra leave the mansion and return to Callandra’s house. In Callandra’s parlor, Callandra asks Andrew what his intentions with the queen were. Sensing that Callandra is very jealous, Andrew tells her that he has no interest in the queen whatsoever; that he merely accepted the queen’s invitation out of politeness. Callandra doesn’t believe Andrew, but she pretends that she does. She begins preparing a beverage for Andrew.

As Callandra is preparing the beverage, Andrew is thinking about the queen. Andrew wonders how much of a threat the queen’s other suitors will be to him. He doesn’t anticipate that they will be much trouble. Andrew remembers the way some of the queen’s attractive maids were looking at him. He thinks that, not only will he get to be married to the very beautiful queen and share in her wealth, but he also will likely have plenty of opportunities to cheat on the queen with her maids on a regular basis. Which would be good for Andrew, because he has no desire to be in a strictly monogamous relationship, even if that relationship is with the most beautiful woman who has ever existed. Andrew is now very much looking forward to the future. It seems that he is going to live happily ever after.

“Here’s a beverage for you,” Callandra says, giving Andrew the beverage she prepared for him.

Stupidly, Andrew drinks the beverage. He then begins to feel very dizzy. He asks Callandra what is happening to him. Callandra tells Andrew that she slipped a very rare potion into the beverage; that the potion causes the person who drinks it to become unconscious for a very, very long period of time; that he will become unconscious in a few moments.

Andrew asks Callandra why she has done this to him. Callandra tells Andrew that she is very much in love with the queen; that Callandra hopes to one day win the queen’s love; that, after seeing how taken the queen is with Andrew, Callandra realized that he is a very significant threat to her romantic intentions with the queen; that Callandra decided that Andrew had to be removed from the island forever.

Callandra tells Andrew that, after he passes out, she will arrange for him to be delivered back to his native land; that, when he wakes up, he will be back in his native land without any clues as to how to find a way back to the island.

Andrew becomes unconscious.

Later, he wakes up in a filthy motel room. He looks out the room’s window. From the landscape that he sees, it is obvious to him that he is back in his native land. Realizing that he was cheated out of his chance at happiness, he kicks a nearby wall. Andrew vows to himself that he will someday, somehow get back to the island.

Although it seems very unlikely, Andrew will indeed get back to the island one day. And Andrew will get back to the queen. And Andrew will seduce her. And the queen will accept Andrew’s marriage proposal. And Andrew will cheat on the queen with one of her attractive maids. And, after finding out that Andrew cheated on her, the queen will punish Andrew for his infidelity in a terrible, terrible way that will cause Andrew to be miserable for a very, very, very long time.

But that is all in the future. At the moment, Andrew is trying to figure out how to get back to the island.

EPISODE 12: RETURN TO PUSTILLA

During an evening, in the apartment of Martin Pimbly and his girlfriend Pustilla, Martin and Pustilla hear someone knocking on the front door. Pustilla, who is laying on the couch in the living room, tells Martin, who is much farther away from the front door, to answer it. Martin does as he was told.

Much to Martin and Pustilla’s surprise, the person who knocked on the front door is Martin’s sleazy friend Andrew Squervil. Andrew’s presence at the front door is a surprise to both Martin and Pustilla because they both thought Andrew had died. More specifically, Martin and Pustilla thought Andrew had drowned in an ocean as a disastrous result of a poorly-thought-out attempt to become rich. Andrew explains that he did not drown; that he just ended up stranded at sea; that he only very recently returned to this country that he, Martin, and Pustilla live in.

Pustilla, who got up from the couch upon realizing that it was Andrew at the front door, hugs Andrew and tells him that she is thrilled that he isn’t dead after all. Martin expresses similar sentiments even though he secretly dislikes Andrew and was more than fine with the idea of Andrew being dead.

Prior to getting stranded at sea, Andrew was staying at Pustilla and Martin’s apartment. Pustilla and Martin were letting Andrew stay there indefinitely and rent-free. Martin wasn’t keen on the idea of letting Andrew stay at his and his girlfriend’s apartment, but Pustilla insisted on it for some reason, and Martin always goes along with whatever Pustilla wants.

Now, Andrew is asking Pustilla and Martin if they will let him resume living in the apartment, now that he is back. Pustilla responds with an enthusiastic yes. So it is decided.

Pustilla tells Andrew that she and Martin are about to sit down in the dining room and have dinner, and that Andrew should join them. Andrew follows Pustilla and Martin into the dining room, doing as he was told by Pustilla.

While Andrew, Pustilla, and Martin are sitting at the table in the dining room and having dinner, Andrew thinks that not much about Martin and Pustilla had changed since Andrew last saw them: Martin is still a loser; Pustilla is still monstrously unattractive, with a face that could crack a mirror, along with the equally repulsive other parts of her; Pustilla is still a cruel, domineering girlfriend to Martin; and Martin is still her domineered boyfriend.

Pustilla pours Martin a glass of a very strong wine that he is particularly fond of, even though his body has little tolerance for it. Undoubtedly, drinking just one glass of this wine will cause Martin to go into a deep sleep for many, many hours. Martin knows this, but he drinks the glass of wine anyway, as he is quite fond of it.

Knowing the effect that the wine is having on Martin, Pustilla pours him a second glass of the wine and insists that he drink it. Martin does as he was told by Pustilla.

Pustilla has not poured herself a glass of this wine, nor has she poured such a glass for Andrew. Martin hasn’t noticed this, and even if he did, he is too much of an oblivious idiot to suspect that Pustilla has a very specific reason for not having herself or Andrew indulge in the sleep-inducing wine.

Andrew is familiar with the wine. He knows the effect the wine will have on Martin. Andrew also knows why Pustilla gave the wine to Martin and only Martin. Andrew hates both the wine and Pustilla so much.

Underneath the table, unbeknownst to Martin, Pustilla’s left foot is pressing against Andrew. Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive, but he wants her to have incentive to not evict him from the apartment, as it is by far the best living option currently available to Andrew. For that reason, unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew begins massaging Pustilla’s left foot underneath the table. Andrew knows that tonight, after Martin falls into a very deep, wine-induced sleep, Pustilla will want to resume cheating on Martin with Andrew. And, because of Andrew’s desire to stay at the apartment until something better comes along, Andrew knows that tonight, he will give Pustilla what she wants, much like he did many, many times during his previous stay at Pustilla and Martin’s apartment.

Pustilla raises her glass, which, like Andrew’s glass, contains only water. Pustilla proposes a toast to whatever higher power it was that brought Andrew back from the sea, and back to the one place that Andrew truly, truly belongs in. Martin thinks the place Pustilla is referring to is the apartment, but Andrew knows Pustilla is actually referring to herself. Martin raises his empty glass, because that is what Pustilla wants. Feeling miserable and defeated, Andrew raises his half-empty glass.

EPISODE 13: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW VERSUS LILILALAYA

During an evening, two male friends who secretly dislike each other are in a crowded tavern. The two friends are Andrew Squervil and Martin Pimbly. Andrew and Martin are sitting at the tavern’s bar and indulging in alcoholic beverages.

A beautiful woman enters the tavern, instantly gaining the attention of both Andrew and Martin. The woman is wearing a long coat that covers up much of her body, but fails to conceal its shapeliness. Likewise, she has long, black hair that covers up much of her face, but fails to conceal its prettiness.

The woman sits down at the end of the bar opposite from where Andrew and Martin are sitting. She orders a drink from the bartender on duty. The bartender provides her with a martini.

Andrew has already decided that he will try to seduce the woman. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

As Andrew is about to get up to go over to the woman, Martin, who is too far away from the woman to be overheard by her, says that he knows who the woman is: Lililalaya. Andrew is very surprised by this apparent revelation. He remains in his seat, trying to process this new information.

Lililalaya is a very famous, very beautiful, very rich female celebrity. She is a supermodel and an actress and a songstress. She is also the object of desire in many, many men’s fantasies. Like Martin, Andrew has never met Lililalaya, but has many fond memories of her nevertheless: Lililalaya on a magazine cover, wearing a very revealing outfit and posing provocatively; Lililalaya in a music video, wearing a very revealing outfit and dancing provocatively; Lililalaya in a movie, wearing a very revealing outfit and acting provocatively.

Andrew, who is also too far away from the woman at the other end of the bar to be overheard by her, says that Martin is wrong; that she isn’t Lililalaya; that Lililalaya is a blonde, whereas the woman at the other end of the bar is a brunette. Martin says that he is absolutely certain that the woman at the other end of the bar is Lililalaya; that he would recognize Lililalaya’s face anywhere; that the black hair must be a wig.

After discreetly looking at the woman at the other end of the bar some more, Andrew realizes that Martin is right: she really is Lililalaya, and the black hair really is just a wig. Though the wig looks like real hair at first glance, one can see the fakeness of the wig if one stares at it long enough.

It doesn’t surprise Andrew that Lililalaya is wearing a wig while out in public. It is a well-known fact that Lililalaya is a very private person who goes through great lengths to keep the details of her personal life a mystery to the general public. Other than the knowledge that she isn’t married and that she lives in a gigantic mansion, the general public knows virtually nothing about her personal life. Perhaps for that reason, there is much speculation and interest in relation to Lililalaya’s personal life, particularly in regard to matters of love and lust. There have been many, many publicized rumors about Lililalaya: rumors about Lililalaya being romantically involved with various handsome male celebrities; rumors about Lililalaya being romantically involved with various beautiful female celebrities; rumors about Lililalaya treating her personal assistants as her personal playthings, then discarding them and replacing them with new personal assistants-slash-playthings; and so on. However, none of these rumors have ever been verified and are generally regarded as untrue nonsense.

Andrew knows that there are many, many tabloid magazines that are willing to pay large amounts of money for any substantial, verifiable information about Lililalaya’s personal life, especially if the information pertains to matters of love or lust. Andrew also suspects that Lililalaya, who is apparently fiercely protective of the details of her private life, might be willing to pay a very large amount of money to prevent any substantial, verifiable, scandalous information about her from being shared with the general public.

It is at that point that Andrew decides that he will try to obtain a photograph of him kissing Lililalaya and then use that photograph to blackmail Lililalaya for a very, very large amount of money, enough money to make Andrew rich.

Andrew knows that, unfortunately, he will need an accomplice to help him carry out the blackmail scheme he has in mind. So Andrew tells Martin about the plan to blackmail Lililalaya and that it will require Martin’s participation in the plan. Andrew says that he plans to go over to Lililalaya and begin talking to her; and that, by using the charming effect he has on women, he will get Lililalaya to kiss him right there in the tavern; and that, while Andrew is kissing Lililalaya, Martin should take a picture of the incident, using the camera in his cellular phone; and that Andrew will later use the photograph to blackmail Lililalaya for a very, very large amount of money; and that Andrew will split whatever money he obtains from Lililalaya with Martin.

Martin says that there is absolutely no way that he will participate in the blackmail scheme; that, while he has no problem with the idea of blackmailing someone, he could never do that to Lililalaya. Martin says that he is madly in love with Lililalaya; that she is, quite literally, the woman of his dreams, as he dreams about her every night; that he thinks about her whenever he is with his girlfriend Pustilla; that he sees Lililalaya’s presence here in the tavern tonight as a very rare opportunity to turn his dreams and fantasies into a reality; that, if he can just conjure up the courage he needs, he will go over to the other end of the bar and initiate a conversation with Lililalaya; and that, perhaps, with any luck, one thing will lead to another and Lililalaya will end up becoming his girlfriend and make his wildest dreams come true. Martin says that he is just trying to work up the courage to go talk to her.

Andrew, realizing that he needs to quickly destroy his friend’s romantic aspirations if this blackmail scheme is to have any chance of working, says that Martin is delusional if he truly believes that there is even the slightest possibility that Lililalaya would ever be romantically interested in Martin; that women like Lililalaya are accustomed to only the finest things in life, including the finest men; that Lililalaya would never stoop so low as to become romantically involved with a less-than-attractive person like Martin; that Martin needs to accept that women like Lililalaya will forever be out of his league; that he needs to accept that he will never be able to do better than his less-than-attractive girlfriend Pustilla; that the only opportunity available to him here tonight is the opportunity to become very, very rich by blackmailing a woman who thinks men like him are beneath her. Andrew continues to persuade Martin until, finally, Martin agrees to participate in the blackmail scheme.

With that matter resolved, Andrew goes over to the other end of the bar. He sits down next to Lililalaya. Andrew begins talking to Lililalaya, trying to have the charming effect on her that he has had on so many other beautiful women.

“Your disguise isn’t fooling me,” Andrew says. “I know who you really are.”

“I know who you really are too,” Lililalaya says.

“Who am I?” Andrew says.

“A sleazy loser who is trying to seduce me,” Lililalaya says. “Luckily for you, having intimate encounters with sleazy losers is a favorite pastime of mine.”

Lililalaya and Andrew begin kissing each other.

While they are kissing, Andrew looks over to the other end of the bar, where Martin is discreetly aiming his cellular phone at Andrew and Lililalaya, apparently taking a picture of Andrew making out with the woman of Martin’s dreams.

Lililalaya pulls away from Andrew. She tells him to come with her to a nearby hotel.

Andrew and Lililalaya exit the tavern together, leaving Martin with the idea that his despicable friend will be having an intimate encounter with the woman of Martin’s dreams tonight.

Outside the tavern, Andrew follows Lililalaya into the back of a parked limousine that belongs to Lililalaya. Sitting in the driver seat in the front of the limousine is one of Lililalaya’s many chauffeurs. Lililalaya instructs the chauffeur to take them to a nearby hotel. The chauffeur begins driving to the hotel.

Much to Andrew’s disappointment, Andrew and Lililalaya aren’t alone in the back of the limousine. Sitting in the back of the limousine with Andrew and Lililalaya is a tall, very muscular woman named Dominica. Lililalaya tells Andrew that Dominica is Lililalaya’s current personal assistant; and that Andrew shouldn’t pay any attention to her.

Andrew already dislikes Dominica very much, although he doesn’t know why exactly. He also thinks she looks familiar, although he doesn’t know why exactly.

Unbeknownst to Andrew, the reason that he feels an inexplicable dislike for Dominica, and the reason that she looks familiar to him is because they had a previous encounter some time ago, in a gym. On that day, Dominica and a woman named Deedra, who was Dominica’s girlfriend at the time, were working out together at the gym. While they were working out, Andrew, who was also at the gym at that time, approached Deedra and began talking with her, flirting with her, attempting to seduce her. Dominica, enraged at Andrew for trying to seduce her girlfriend, pummeled Andrew mercilessly. Although Andrew remembers the unpleasant pummeling quite well, his memory of Dominica’s face is vague, thus his inability to consciously realize the woman sitting in the back of the limousine with him and Lililalaya is the woman who pummeled him mercilessly at the gym.

Although Andrew doesn’t recognize Dominica, she recognizes him. She remembers Andrew’s face quite well, as she spent so much time punching it. However, Dominica does not remind Andrew of their shared past. Instead, she quietly, angrily stares at Andrew, who is distracted by Lililalaya, who is currently making out with Andrew.

Although Dominica found the pummeling of Andrew to be very satisfying at the time, it caused her problems later on. Deedra, who, unlike Dominica, is rich, became very angry with Dominica for pummeling Andrew, as Deedra felt Dominica had hugely overreacted. Finally fed up with Dominica’s insanely jealous behavior, Deedra broke up with Dominica, leaving Dominica heartbroken and without the many, many perks that came with having a rich girlfriend.

Dominica believes Andrew is responsible for the break-up. She is very tempted to pummel Andrew again here in the limousine, but she resists the temptation, as she doesn’t want to do anything that might displease Lililalaya, who Dominica is madly infatuated with. So Dominica remains seated quietly while the man she despises is making out with the woman she is madly infatuated with.

The limousine arrives at its destination, which is a very fancy hotel. Lililalaya tells the chauffeur and Dominica to wait for her in the limousine. Andrew follows Lililalaya out of the limousine and into the hotel. Lililalaya obtains a hotel room for the night from the desk clerk on duty, who does not recognize Lililalaya because of the wig she is wearing. Lililalaya and Andrew go into the hotel room Lililalaya obtained for them.

In the hotel room, Andrew proceeds to complete his seduction of Lililalaya. The experience is better than Martin’s wildest dreams.

Immediately afterwards, Lililalaya tells Andrew to get out. Andrew, who very much enjoyed his intimate encounter with Lililalaya, suggested that he stay so that they could have some more fun together.

“I’m done with you now,” Lililalaya says. “And I do not want to ever see you again.”

Realizing that he will never get to have another intimate encounter with Lililalaya, Andrew decides to go forward with his blackmail scheme. While Andrew is getting dressed, he tells Lililalaya that, while they were making out in the tavern, his accomplice took a picture of the incident; and that, unless she pays Andrew a very, very large amount of money, Andrew will sell the photograph to a tabloid magazine, thereby causing the general public to find out what a slut Lililalaya really is.

Lililalaya is furious. She wants to destroy Andrew.

She tells him that she isn’t even going to consider paying Andrew anything until he shows her proof that the photograph actually exists. So, using his cellular phone, Andrew places a call to Martin’s cellular phone.

While Martin’s phone is ringing, Andrew wonders how he will go about cheating Martin out of his share of the blackmail money.

Martin answers his phone. Andrew says that he is with Lililalaya. Andrew tells Martin to send a copy of the photograph of Andrew making out with Lililalaya to Andrew’s cellular phone so Andrew can prove to Lililalaya that the photograph exists.

Martin, who sounds very down, says that he screwed up; that he purchased his cellular phone very recently; that, for that reason, he is not very familiar with how to use the phone’s various applications, including the phone’s camera; that he used the camera incorrectly when trying to take a picture of Andrew and Lililalaya kissing each other in the tavern; that, at the time, Martin thought he took the picture, but that, after Andrew and Lililalaya exited the tavern, Martin realized that no picture had been taken; that there is no photograph of Andrew and Lililalaya kissing each other.

Andrew ends the phone call. Although Lililalaya only heard Andrew’s side of the phone conversation, she can tell by the defeated expression on Andrew’s face that Andrew doesn’t have a photograph to blackmail her with after all. Lililalaya tells Andrew that she knows he doesn’t have a photograph of them kissing each other; that his blackmail scheme has failed. She begins laughing smugly, reveling in her triumph.

Feeling defeated, Andrew begins walking toward the hotel room’s front door, wanting to exit the hotel room and get away from Lililalaya’s cruel laughter.

However, Lililalaya isn’t finished with Andrew. From her ultra-expensive purse, which is nearby, Lililalaya takes out a stun gun that she owns. As Andrew is about to leave the hotel room, Lililalaya uses her stun gun to stun Andrew. The electric shock that Andrew receives is so powerful that it causes him to fall to the floor and become unconscious.

Later, Andrew regains consciousness, though he is still too weak to move. He is still on the floor in the hotel room. Lililalaya, who is fully-dressed again, is standing nearby, looking down at Andrew. Dominica is also in the hotel room now, standing nearby and looking down at Andrew.

At that moment, Andrew realizes why Dominica looks familiar to him: she is the woman who pummeled him in the gym. He wants to get far, far away from her, but he is still too weak to move.

Lililalaya tells Dominica to pummel Andrew. Dominica proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly while Lililalaya looks on, amused.

EPISODE 14: A HAIRCUT

During an afternoon, in a unisex barber shop, one of the barber shop’s attractive female employees is on duty. Her name is Minga. Currently, Minga is the only person in the barber shop. All of its other employees are off today, and there are no customers there at the moment.

Then Andrew Squervil enters the barber shop, intending to get a haircut. This is Andrew’s first time in this barber shop. He used to get his haircuts at a different unisex barber shop, but that barber shop recently underwent a massive staff turnover, resulting in the replacement of all of the barber shop’s attractive female employees with unattractive women. For that reason, Andrew sees no point in continuing to go there for haircuts. So he is trying out this new barber shop instead. Looking at Minga, Andrew likes what he sees in this barber shop thus far.

Andrew has already decided that, after receiving his haircut, he will try to seduce Minga. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew tells Minga that he wants a haircut. Minga, who is very surprised to see Andrew, has him sit in one of the barber chairs. She begins cutting his hair.

The reason that Minga is very surprised to see Andrew is that, unbeknownst to Andrew, she and Andrew had an intimate encounter several years ago, and that, afterwards, Andrew told Minga that he did not want to see her ever again, now that he’d gotten what he’d wanted from her. So Minga, who was very hurt and angered by Andrew’s disposal of her, did not expect to ever see Andrew again.

Minga is still very angry with Andrew for how he treated her, and the fact that he now clearly doesn’t even remember her infuriates Minga even more.

However, Minga does not remind Andrew of their shared past. Instead, she quietly cuts his hair, quietly getting her revenge.

Minga finishes cutting Andrew’s hair. From what Andrew can see in the mirror he is facing, it seems like she did a very good job.

After paying Minga for the haircut, Andrew attempts to seduce Minga, but she rejects him. Andrew finds this rejection inexplicable, but he leaves the barber shop without pursuing the matter further.

Unbeknownst to Andrew, Minga shaved a very, very offensive word into the back of Andrew’s head. It is unquestionably the most offensive word ever created, and the only word that has the power to deeply offend any person, regardless of that person’s age, gender, race, or religion. And now it is shaved into the back of Andrew’s head.

As Andrew is walking down a crowded street, many people are noticing the word, instantly becoming deeply offended by it. For reasons Andrew doesn’t understand, many, many people are coming toward him. Some are cursing at him. Others are asking why he would choose to put such a horrible word on the back of his head. And as this mob of people are closing in on Andrew, he suddenly remembers the intimate encounter he had with Minga several years earlier. For a very brief millisecond, Andrew feels satisfied by the knowledge that, despite his failure to seduce Minga today in the barber shop, he succeeded in seducing her after all. Then his feeling of satisfaction disappears as he returns his focus to where he is and what is about to happen to him. The mob of angry people proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 15: DINNER PARTY

During an evening, in the apartment of Martin Pimbly and his girlfriend Pustilla, Martin and Pustilla are hosting a dinner party. Most of the party’s guests are Pustilla’s female friends, and boyfriends of Pustilla’s female friends, and husbands of Pustilla’s female friends.

Also attending this party is Martin’s male friend Andrew Squervil. Andrew’s guest status in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment is different from that of the other party guests in that Andrew is currently dwelling in the apartment. Martin and Pustilla are letting Andrew stay there indefinitely and rent-free. For that reason, unlike the other party guests, Andrew won’t be leaving the apartment at the end of the party.

Martin, who secretly dislikes Andrew, isn’t keen on the idea of his sleazy loser friend Andrew staying at Martin and Pustilla’s apartment indefinitely and rent-free. However, Pustilla insisted on it for some reason, and Martin always goes along with whatever Pustilla wants.

Unbeknownst to Martin, Pustilla has been cheating on him with Andrew, hence Pustilla’s reason for keeping Andrew in the apartment.

Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. He is only having the affair with her because he wants her to have incentive to not evict him from the apartment, which is the best living option currently available to him.

Andrew hates being with Pustilla. He often goes through great lengths to avoid that odious task.

Unfortunately for Andrew, Pustilla has a seemingly insatiable appetite for him. She carries on her affair with Andrew whenever the opportunity presents itself. Tonight, at the moment, while Pustilla and Martin and all their guests are sitting at a table and having dinner together, Andrew feels Pustilla’s left foot pressing against him underneath the table. At the moment, Pustilla is pouring Martin another glass of a very strong wine, which, as Pustilla knows, will cause Martin to fall into a very deep sleep later tonight, a sleep so deep that not even Pustilla’s loudest screams of joy will wake him up prematurely. Since Andrew moved into the apartment, Pustilla has been providing Martin with glasses of this very strong wine quite regularly.

After moving into the apartment, Andrew very quickly grew to despise that wine. Seeing its presence here at the table tonight, Andrew knows what it means; what Pustilla wants to do with him tonight after all the other guests leave and after Martin falls asleep.

However, Andrew sees the presence of the party guests as an opportunity to avoid being with Pustilla tonight. His plan is simple: convince as many guests as possible to stay in the apartment overnight rather than return to their homes. Andrew knows that Pustilla wouldn’t dare try to carry on her affair with him while any of the other party guests are still in the apartment.

After Pustilla and Martin and the party guests finish eating dinner, some of the guests begin getting ready to leave. Andrew insists that they all stay for coffee and dessert; that it won’t be a true dinner party without coffee and dessert. So all the guests stay to have coffee and dessert.

After Pustilla and Martin and the party guests have coffee and dessert, some of the guests begin getting ready to leave. Andrew insists that they all stay for another round of wine. Despite Andrew’s insistence, nearly all the guests politely decline his suggestion and then leave, much to Andrew’s dismay.

The only people remaining in the apartment now are Andrew, Martin, Pustilla, and Pustilla’s single, attractive female friend Riora. Andrew, who is quite fond of attractive women, was so preoccupied with trying to avoid being with Pustilla tonight that he did not notice the lovely Riora’s loveliness. Riora, however, noticed Andrew, and is very much interested in getting to know him better, hence her reason for staying for another round of wine.

Now, Andrew, Martin, Pustilla, and Riora are having their glasses of wine in the apartment’s living room, where they are all sitting on the couch there. Andrew, who has come to realize that Riora is interested in him, is sitting next to her, talking with her, flirting with her, trying to have the same charming effect on Riora that he has had on so many other beautiful women. Riora does find Andrew charming. She gives Andrew many indications that his flirtatious behavior is quite welcome.

Pustilla has noticed the flirtatious behavior going on between Andrew and Riora. Pustilla does not like it one bit. As far as Pustilla is concerned, Andrew is her plaything and no one else’s. Pustilla has no interest in sharing Andrew with anyone else, especially not her friend Riora, who Pustilla secretly dislikes.

Pustilla gets up. She goes into another room to make a phone call.

While Martin begins to fall into a drunken sleep, Andrew continues flirting with Riora. Seeing how susceptible she seems to be to his charms, Andrew suggests that, instead of going home, she stay here in the apartment overnight.

Riora, who isn’t as slutty as Andrew thinks, laughs. She declines his suggestion. She says that it probably isn’t a good idea.

Andrew insists that it is a good idea that she stay in the apartment overnight; that it is too dangerous for her to be traveling back to her home at this time of night.

Riora laughs again. She points out that it isn’t that late. She points out that it is still light outside.

Andrew continues trying to persuade Riora into staying in the apartment overnight. Just when it seemed like Riora is about to change her mind, Pustilla enters the living room. “I called a cab for you, Riora,” Pustilla says. “It will be arriving shortly to take you back to your apartment.”

A few minutes later, the cab arrives. Riora gives Andrew a piece of paper containing her phone number. “Call me soon, Andrew,” Riora says. Then she leaves.

Martin is on the couch, in his deep sleep.

Pustilla takes the piece of paper containing Riora’s phone number from Andrew. Pustilla tears the piece of paper into many, many smaller pieces.

Andrew follows Pustilla into Pustilla and Martin’s bedroom. In the bedroom, Pustilla proceeds to carry on her affair with Andrew. Andrew tries to imagine that Pustilla is Riora, but he can’t make it happen.

EPISODE 16: FATAL LIPSTICK

Before formerly rich person Andrew Squervil was stripped of his wealthy status as a result of a lawsuit against him, Andrew became a frequent visitor of a nightclub located in the very upper-class neighborhood that Andrew used to live in before his financial downfall. The nightclub is very exclusive in that it doesn’t normally let in people who aren’t rich and/or famous. After Andrew’s financial downfall, Andrew continues to be allowed into the nightclub only because all the nightclub’s staff members, who are all familiar with Andrew, are not aware that he is no longer rich.

Before Andrew’s financial downfall, Andrew met many, many beautiful women in this nightclub, many of whom he subsequently seduced. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew continues to be a frequent visitor of the nightclub, but for a different reason. Andrew has a goal to regain his wealthy status. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. Whereas before his financial downfall, Andrew was visiting the nightclub only for the purpose of meeting some random beautiful woman to seduce and subsequently abandon, he now visits the nightclub on a regular basis for the purpose of meeting some random rich, single, preferably beautiful woman to con into marriage.

One night, Andrew goes to the nightclub, hoping to meet such a woman. While he is in the nightclub, he meets a rich, beautiful, single woman named Yelena. From the conversation that Andrew is having with Yelena, Andrew learns that Yelena isn’t as slutty as most of the women he previously seduced; that she is quiet and reserved and classy; that, though she has received marriage proposals from various suitors, and though she wants to get married, she has chosen to not get married yet, as she is still hoping to find her ideal mate, her soul mate, her metaphorical knight in shining armor.

Andrew asks Yelena what she thinks her ideal mate would be like. Yelena answers Andrew’s question.

So, in order to trick Yelena into falling in love with him, Andrew proceeds to pretend to be the type of man that Yelena would consider to be her ideal mate: caring; considerate; generous; well-meaning; altruistic; non-sleazy; monogamous; etcetera.

Yelena falls for Andrew’s deception and falls in love with Andrew. That night, Andrew and Yelena leave the nightclub together.

However, much to Andrew’s dismay, Yelena does not allow Andrew to consummate his relationship with her that night. Yelena tells Andrew that she thinks she and Andrew have something really special going on between them; that she doesn’t want to spoil it by rushing into things like she did with so many, many other men; that she thinks it would be a good idea if she and Andrew hold off on consummating their relationship, perhaps until after they get married, assuming they get married someday; that it will make the consummation a more special experience for the both of them.

The next day, during Yelena and Andrew’s first official date, Andrew asks Yelena to marry him. Yelena, of course, accepts Andrew’s marriage proposal.

Andrew, who wants to gain access to Yelena’s money as soon as possible, suggests that they have their wedding in the very, very near future.

Yelena agrees with Andrew’s suggestion, but on one condition: that, some time before the wedding, they have a party in which all her friends would be invited, so Yelena would have the opportunity to introduce Andrew to all her friends.

The wedding of Andrew and Yelena is scheduled to occur in 3 weeks. The pre-wedding party is scheduled to occur a few days before the wedding date. Invitations are sent out for both events.

After his financial downfall, Andrew ended up staying at the apartment of his friend Martin Pimbly and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla. Andrew considers the apartment less than ideal, but it is the best living option currently available to him. Unbeknownst to Martin, Pustilla has been cheating on him with Andrew. Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. In fact, he finds everything about her and every moment he is with her to be agonizingly horrible. He has only been carrying on the affair with her so that she will have incentive to not evict him from the apartment, which, despite Pustilla’s presence, is the least undesirable living situation currently available to Andrew.

However, now that Yelena and Andrew are engaged, Yelena decides that there is no need for Andrew to continue to live in that apartment when he could be living with her in her mansion instead. So Yelena invites Andrew to move into her mansion, even though they aren’t married yet.

So Andrew moves out of Martin and Pustilla’s apartment and into Yelena’s mansion. However, Yelena tells Andrew to sleep in one of the mansion’s guest bedrooms, rather than with her in the mansion’s master bedroom. She wants to continue this sleeping arrangement until after the wedding.

Though Andrew is annoyed that he has not yet been granted access to Yelena’s bedroom, he is happy to be living in a mansion again. He is also happy that he no longer has any need to continue the affair with Pustilla. And he is especially happy that, if all goes as planned, he will soon gain access to Yelena’s money, via his marriage to her.

On the day of Andrew and Yelena’s pre-wedding party, the party is taking place at a monstrously oversized ballroom that Yelena rented for the day. The event is catered, of course, along with all the other frills one would expect at such an event.

The ballroom is very crowded. Most of the party’s guests are Yelena’s female friends, and boyfriends of Yelena’s female friends, and husbands of Yelena’s female friends.

During the party, Yelena introduces Andrew to her attractive married female friend Zlinka. Andrew notices that Zlinka is wearing blue lipstick. Zlinka always wears blue lipstick. She is known for that.

Later, while the party is still going on, Yelena is having a conversation with some of her female friends and Zlinka’s husband. Yelena is wondering where Andrew is. Zlinka’s husband is wondering where Zlinka is. Elsewhere, outside the ballroom, in Zlinka’s spacious car, Andrew is having an intimate encounter with Zlinka, unbeknownst to Yelena and Zlinka’s husband and the various other party guests.

Ironically, while that is going on, one of Yelena’s female friends asked Yelena if she ever worries about other women throwing themselves at Andrew, given how attractive he is.

“I never worry about that,” Yelena says. “I trust Andrew. And, in any case, I keep him on a very tight leash, metaphorically speaking.”

Later, after the party ends, Andrew and Yelena are sitting in the back of Yelena’s limousine, which is being driven by Yelena’s chauffeur to Yelena’s mansion.

Yelena is in a good mood. She very much enjoyed the pre-wedding party.

Andrew is also in a good mood. Though he cleaned Zlinka’s blue lipstick stains off his face before returning to the party, he can still taste Zlinka’s blue, marshmallow-flavored lipstick on his lips.

Suddenly, Yelena does something Andrew did not expect: she tells Andrew that she doesn’t want to wait until after their wedding to consummate their relationship; that she wants to consummate their relationship now, in the back of the limousine. Andrew says that that sounds like an excellent idea. Yelena begins to unbutton Andrew’s shirt.

Suddenly, Andrew remembers that his chest, along with various other concealed parts of his body, are still covered with Zlinka’s blue lipstick stains. However, Andrew realized his mistake too late: Yelena has unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his chest, which is covered with Zlinka’s blue lipstick stains. Yelena becomes furious. She punches Andrew, then tells him that their relationship is over, then kicks him out of the moving limousine. Andrew lands on a concrete sidewalk face-first.

Andrew looks up from the ground. Yelena’s limousine, and Yelena, are already gone. Andrew begins crawling back to Martin and Pustilla’s apartment, and back to Pustilla.

EPISODE 17: JOURNEY TO THE SHOE CLOSET

Tonight, Andrew Squervil is visiting a crowded nightclub that he knows is a popular hangout spot for rich, single women. Andrew, who is not rich, is hoping to meet a rich, single, preferably beautiful woman who he could seduce and subsequently marry for her money.

While Andrew is in the nightclub, he meets a beautiful woman named Prettia. During Andrew’s conversation with Prettia, she tells him that she is rich and single. Thinking that Prettia is a woman he could potentially con into marriage, Andrew proceeds to try to seduce her. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Prettia finds Andrew charming and attractive. She invites Andrew to come with her to her mansion. Prettia and Andrew leave the nightclub together. Andrew thinks that his days of being non-rich are finally almost over.

Later, Prettia and Andrew arrive at Prettia’s mansion. Andrew thinks the mansion is absurdly large for just one person, but he doesn’t make anything more of it.

Prettia leads Andrew upstairs, into the mansion’s master bedroom. The bedroom has some framed, expensive-looking paintings hanging on its walls, but appears to be devoid of photographs of any kind.

Prettia lays on the gigantic bed that is in the center of the bedroom. She invites Andrew to join her there.

As Andrew is about to join Prettia on the bed, he and Prettia both hear the very loud sound of the mansion’s front door being opened and then closed. Prettia suddenly looks very worried.

She looks out the bedroom’s window. Curious, Andrew looks out the window too. He sees a very expensive-looking car parked in front of the mansion, a car that definitely was not parked there before, when Andrew and Prettia arrived at her mansion.

Prettia says that the car belongs to her husband; that the out-of-country business trip he was supposed to be on must have ended early; that he must have come home early without telling her to surprise her, as he often does in these situations.

Prettia, who is in a panicked state, is now frantically pulling out various framed photographs that she hid under her bed. The photographs are all of Prettia and a very large man, presumably her husband. Now Prettia is hanging the various photographs on the bedroom’s walls, presumably in the same spots she took them down from after her husband left on his business trip.

Speaking in a low whisper, Prettia tells Andrew that he needs to hide somewhere before her husband comes upstairs and into the bedroom; that if her husband finds Andrew here, her husband will pummel him mercilessly.

Prettia goes over to where the bedroom’s only closet is. The closet’s door is made of steel and looks very impenetrable. Prettia unlocks the closet door, then opens it. Speaking in a low whisper, she tells Andrew to hide in the closet.

Andrew looks at the closet. It is packed with an absurdly large amount of women’s shoes. Thanks to the presence of those shoes, there is barely any space left in the closet for Andrew. It looks like it is going to be a very uncomfortable hiding spot.

As Andrew is about to suggest to Prettia that he hide somewhere else instead, Prettia pushes him into the closet, then closes the closet’s door.

Andrew already feels incredibly uncomfortable in the closet. In fact, he feels so uncomfortable that he decides he would rather leave the closet and run the risk of being pummeled by Prettia’s husband than endure the discomfort of the shoe-filled closet any longer. He opens the closet’s door.

However, before he can leave the closet, Prettia immediately closes the closet’s door again. Then she locks it.

Then Prettia’s husband enters the bedroom. Andrew, who is looking through a very, very tiny hole in the closet’s door, gets a good look at Prettia’s husband. The husband looks even larger and more intimidating than he does in the photographs. Andrew decides that it is probably for the best that he is in the closet and not out there.

Prettia’s husband and Prettia kiss each other. Prettia asks her husband why he is back from his business trip earlier than expected. Prettia’s husband says that he missed Prettia, so he decided to end his business trip early and return home.

Prettia’s husband says that he didn’t return home empty-handed though; that, on his way home, he obtained a gift for Prettia: two tickets for a weekend cruise; that the cruise will take them to an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world.

Prettia is delighted. She very much likes cruises.

Prettia asks her husband when they will be going on this cruise. Her husband says that the cruise is to begin tonight, in just a few hours. He says that, in order to make it to the cruise ship on time, they will have to pack and leave immediately. Prettia’s husband says that he would have given her advance notice, but he wanted the cruise to be a pleasant surprise for her.

Excited, Prettia begins to pack for the cruise. Her husband begins to pack for the cruise as well.

Prettia and her husband leave the mansion together. They get into her husband’s car. Prettia’s husband begins driving them to the pier where the cruise ship is.

On their way there, Prettia is trying to remember whether she unlocked the door of her shoe closet so that Andrew could leave after she and her husband left. She remembers wanting to unlock the door, but she can’t remember whether she actually did it. She decides that she probably did.

She didn’t. And that was how Andrew ended up trapped in Prettia’s shoe closet.

EPISODE 18: IN THE SHOE CLOSET

Currently, despicable person Andrew Squervil is trapped in a woman’s shoe closet. This is the disastrous result of his most recent attempt to marry a rich woman for her money.

The shoe closet that Andrew is trapped in belongs to a beautiful rich woman named Prettia. Prettia’s shoe closet is part of her bedroom, which is part of her mansion.

Prettia isn’t around at the moment. She will not be back for several days. Andrew is the only person in the entire mansion.

Andrew tried and tried and tried to free himself from Prettia’s shoe closet, but he could not open or break the closet’s locked steel door. His only hope is that someone else will free him from the shoe closet. Until then, Andrew has no choice but to remain in Prettia’s shoe closet, which, due to the absurdly large amount of women’s shoes in the closet, is very limited in space, and thus very uncomfortable for Andrew.

At the moment, Andrew is eating one of Prettia’s many, many leather shoes. It tastes terrible, but Prettia’s leather shoes are the only edible things in the closet, and he is very hungry.

Andrew does have one source of entertainment available to him throughout this shoe closet imprisonment: Prettia’s alarm clock radio, which is in her bedroom and outside of the shoe closet. The alarm clock radio is set to go on at a certain time every morning, and will play indefinitely until someone manually turns it off. The alarm clock radio went on this morning and has been playing ever since, giving Andrew something to listen to, though it isn’t distracting enough to make Andrew forget about how cramped he feels, nor does the alarm clock radio cause him to forget the pain that he is feeling, thanks to the various sharp stiletto heels that are continuously pressing against him, no matter which way he shifts his body.

Now an announcer on the radio station that the alarm clock radio is currently set to is issuing a special announcement for its listeners: that the radio station is going out of business. The announcer thanks its listeners for their years of support, then bids them farewell. The alarm clock radio becomes silent, leaving Andrew without any distractions from his misery.

EPISODE 19: ESCAPE FROM THE SHOE CLOSET

One day, a rich, very large man named Vlik returns to his mansion. Vlik was away on a cruise for the past few days.

He went on this cruise with his beautiful trophy wife Prettia. However, Vlik did not return with Prettia. During the cruise, Prettia met another man. This other man is richer than Vlik. For that reason, Prettia left Vlik for the other man.

Vlik is very angry about this. He wants to take out his anger on the other man, but did not get the opportunity to do so.

Now Vlik is home, surrounded by many, many reminders of Prettia. He wants to rid himself of all these reminders and pretend she doesn’t exist.

Vlik decides he will start by discarding Prettia’s many, many pairs of shoes that are kept in a shoe closet in the mansion’s master bedroom. So Vlik goes to the mansion’s master bedroom, which, until recently, he shared with Prettia. In the master bedroom, Vlik walks over to Prettia’s shoe closet. He unlocks the closet’s steel door, then opens it.

Much to Vlik’s surprise, the closet contains not only Prettia’s many, many shoes, but also a man. The man is sleazy person Andrew Squervil, though Vlik doesn’t know that, as he never met Andrew before. Andrew had been trapped in Prettia’s shoe closet for several days, surviving only by eating a few of Prettia’s many, many leather shoes.

Thinking that Andrew is some kind of burglar, Vlik instinctively punches Andrew, causing him to fall to the ground. Vlik then pulls out his cellular phone with the intention of calling the police.

“Please don’t call the police!” Andrew says. “I’m not a burglar! This is all a huge misunderstanding!”

Vlik holds off on calling the police. “Why are you here if not to rob my mansion?” Vlik says.

Andrew, who is too mentally drained to come up with a believable lie, tells Vlik the truth: that Andrew met Prettia in a nightclub; that Prettia invited Andrew back to the mansion; that Andrew went with her to the mansion with the intention of completing his seduction of her; that, before the completion of that seduction could occur, Vlik arrived home unexpectedly; that Prettia made Andrew hide in her shoe closet before Vlik could find Andrew in the bedroom with Prettia; that Prettia locked the shoe closet’s door for some reason, trapping Andrew inside; that Prettia and Vlik then left the mansion to go on the cruise; that Prettia apparently forgot that she had left Andrew trapped in her shoe closet.

“So, in summary, I’m not a burglar, just a man who tried to seduce your wife,” Andrew says.

Vlik puts away his cellular phone. “I believe you,” Vlik says. “I won’t call the police.”

Andrew breathes a sigh of relief.

Vlik proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 20: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW MEETS KEEKA AND THE SWANS

Currently, non-rich person Andrew Squervil is in a mansion, being pummeled mercilessly by another man. This is the result of Andrew’s most recent attempt to marry a rich woman for her money. In a nightclub, Andrew met a beautiful, rich, apparently single woman named Prettia. Andrew intended to seduce Prettia and subsequently con her into marriage. Prettia invited Andrew back to her mansion, an invitation which Andrew gladly accepted. However, after Andrew and Prettia arrived at Prettia’s mansion, Andrew discovered that Prettia was a married woman trying to cheat on her away husband. To make matters worse, Prettia’s large husband arrived home unexpectedly, and subsequently found Andrew in the mansion, and subsequently learned of Andrew’s attempt to seduce Prettia. Which was why Prettia’s husband is currently pummeling Andrew mercilessly.

Later, Prettia’s husband carries Andrew’s unconscious body out onto the sidewalk. Prettia’s husband dumps Andrew there, then goes back into the mansion.

The sidewalk that Andrew is currently laying on unconsciously is part of a very upper-class neighborhood. Andrew is surrounded by many, many mansions in addition to the one he was removed from moments earlier.

Some time later, Andrew regains consciousness. He is still laying on the sidewalk. Standing around him and looking down at him are five women. Four of the women are very tall and very beautiful. The other woman is short and plump.

Andrew already dislikes the short, plump woman. He dislikes all women who he doesn’t find physically attractive.

The short, plump woman seems genuinely concerned for Andrew while the four tall, beautiful women seem grossed out by him. Andrew, who is usually physically attractive, figures that the bruises on his face must be causing him to appear unattractive, hence the grossed-out expressions on the four tall, beautiful women’s faces.

“Are you okay?” the short, plump woman says, speaking to Andrew. “Do you need help?”

“Let’s just leave him here,” one of the tall, beautiful women says, speaking to the short, plump woman. “We have a party we need to get to.”

“But we can’t just leave him here,” the short, plump woman says, speaking to the other women. “That would be cruel.”

“We’re leaving,” one of the tall, beautiful women says, speaking to the short, plump woman. The four tall, beautiful women leave.

Now Andrew is alone with the short, plump woman. He wishes that she left and that the four tall, beautiful women stayed instead.

The short, plump woman helps Andrew up. She invites Andrew to come with her to her mansion so she can treat his bruises. Andrew takes the short, plump woman up on her offer, only because his bruises do need to be treated, and because he wants to learn more about the four tall, beautiful women.

On their way to the short, plump woman’s mansion, the short, plump woman and Andrew introduce themselves to each other. The short, plump woman is named Keeka.

“Who are those four other women you were with?” Andrew says.

Keeka says that those four other women she was with are her friends: Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona. Keeka says that, like her, Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona are rich residents of this neighborhood. Keeka says that Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona are a powerful social clique known as the Swans. Keeka says that the Swans control all significant social events that occur in this neighborhood; that they influence the fashion styles and opinions of the neighborhood’s other residents; that the Swans are always invited to the most exclusive parties; that every woman in this neighborhood who isn’t a Swan wants to be a Swan.

“Are you a Swan?” Andrew says.

In a tone of shame and frustration, Keeka says that she isn’t a Swan, not yet anyway; that, right now, she is only a candidate for membership. Keeka says that the Swans refer to their candidates as Ducklings, though, for some unspecified reason, her designation is Ugly Duckling.

Keeka says that, as part of her Swan membership candidacy, she is going through a grueling, mandatory hazing process, which involves lots and lots of torture from the Swans. Keeka says that, since the hazing process for her started several years ago, the Swans have done many, many cruel things to her as part of the hazing process, including, but not limited to: making her carry all the Swans’ shopping bags during the Swans’ daily shopping spree; making her brush the Swans’ hair; making her clean the Swans’ entire mansions; pouring a bucket of very cold water on her; sticking used gum in her hair; making her crawl around on her hands and knees and bark like a dog in a crowded restaurant; pouring a bucket of mud on her; destroying all her clothes; making her eat a bar of soap; making her wear a plastic pig nose over her real nose at all times for an entire year; making her eat nothing but peanut butter, which she is highly allergic to, for an entire year; making her eat a leather shoe; pouring a bucket of ants on her; drawing derogatory comments on her face, using ink that is very, very difficult to remove once applied; drawing a bullseye on her forehead, using that same ink, then making her stand in a very crowded public area while the Swans pelted her with tomatoes over and over again, trying to hit the bullseye; stealing her car, then destroying it; making her drink toilet water; and dumping a bucket of leeches on her.

“I hate the Swans so much sometimes,” Keeka says. “Sometimes I think that the Swans are just stringing me along; that they have no real intention to ever make me a Swan; that they intend to keep me an Ugly Duckling forever so they can go on torturing me in various ways for their amusement. But I continue to endure all the torture because I want to be a Swan so badly. Despite the seemingly never-ending hazing, I hold out hope that I will one day be made into a Swan.”

Andrew finds the Swans’ various methods of torturing Keeka quite amusing, especially because he is certain that they are just stringing her along. However, he pretends to be sympathetic toward Keeka regarding her plight, only because he wants to stay on her good side so she will tell him more about the Swans, all of whom he is very interested in trying to seduce.

Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew subtly asks Keeka what the Swans’ relationship statuses are. Keeka says that, unlike her, the Swans are all married. Andrew is disappointed. He hoped to get an opportunity to con one of the Swans into marriage, thereby gaining access to her fortune. Just as Keeka is wondering if she will ever get to become a Swan, Andrew is wondering if he will ever get to marry a rich woman for her money. It seems like every time he is on the verge of accomplishing this, something goes wrong for him.

Andrew decides that, since the Swans are unavailable, marriage-wise, he will try to con Keeka into marriage, given that she is the only single, rich woman currently available to him. Andrew figures that he will divorce her some time after the wedding, after he gains access to her money.

In Keeka’s mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of Keeka. He considered it odious, but necessary. Afterwards, he asks Keeka to marry him. Keeka, of course, accepts Andrew’s marriage proposal.

Andrew, who wants to gain access to Keeka’s fortune as soon as possible, suggests that they get married today. Keeka says that she can’t do that; that the Swans control all the neighborhood’s social events, including its weddings; that the Swans will dictate how and when the wedding will take place. Keeka says that if she arranges her wedding all on her own, without the Swans’ permission, the Swans will shun her, never letting her join their clique.

Andrew suggests that they go see the Swans now, so they can get on with it. Keeka says that she would prefer they wait until after Andrew’s facial bruises heal. Keeka says that the Swans would mock her mercilessly for agreeing to marry Andrew, given how unattractive he now looks with his bruises. Keeka suggests they wait until after the bruises heal, when he is better-looking.

A few days later, all the bruises on Andrew’s face are gone. He is physically attractive again. So Andrew and Keeka go to see the Swans to make the wedding request. Andrew and Keeka meet with the Swans, Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona, at Miona’s mansion.

The Swans are very surprised to see that Andrew is actually quite handsome, now that his bruises are gone. One of the Swans, Tabeeza, apologizes to Andrew for the Swans’ decision to not help him when he was laying on the sidewalk. Tabeeza says that, had they known he is so physically attractive without the bruises, they would have helped him.

Keeka is glad that the Swans find Andrew attractive. She wants them to be envious of her. Keeka tells the Swans that Andrew and her are going to get married; that Andrew wants to become her husband. Keeka enjoys seeing the look of intense jealousy on the Swans’ faces in response to her announcement.

Keeka says that she and Andrew are interested in having their wedding in the very, very near future, perhaps at the neighborhood’s local church, with lots of guests.

One of the Swans, Fawna, suddenly has a very cruel thought. Fawna grants Andrew and Keeka permission to have the wedding in the near future, and in the neighborhood’s local church. Fawna tells Andrew and Keeka that their wedding will take place tomorrow morning in the church.

Keeka is so happy. She was afraid that the Swans would deny her request out of spite.

Andrew is very happy too. He is certain that his days of being non-rich are almost over.

As Andrew and Keeka are leaving Miona’s mansion, Fawna stops them. Putting the cruel thought she had into motion, Fawna tells Keeka that it is time for her daily hazing. Fawna takes a jar of peanut butter out of her purse. Like the other Swans, Fawna always keeps a jar of peanut butter in her purse, so she can give it to Keeka to eat at any given moment, as part of the hazing process. Keeka is highly allergic to peanut butter. Eating even just a very small amount of peanut butter can cause Keeka to become very, very swollen all over her entire body, including her face. The Swans all know this. Fawna gives the jar of peanut butter to Keeka. While the other three Swans are smiling cruelly behind Fawna, Fawna tells Keeka to eat all the peanut butter right there in front of them. Keeka is upset. She begs the Swans to not make her do this. Keeka says that, if she eats all this peanut butter now, she will be swollen all over for several days; that she will be a disgusting swollen mess at her wedding. Keeka begs and begs and begs the Swans to have mercy on her; to not cause her to appear a disgusting swollen mess at her wedding; to not humiliate her in front of all the wedding guests. Fawna tells Keeka that, if she doesn’t eat the peanut butter, her Swan membership candidacy will be revoked; that she will never become a Swan.

So Keeka eats the peanut butter. She immediately becomes very, very swollen all over, much to the Swans’ delight. Andrew doesn’t even recognize Keeka now. He finds her ever more unattractive than he found her before.

Andrew and Keeka return to Keeka’s mansion. In the mansion, Keeka is looking at her swollen face in a mirror. Keeka says that she hopes the Swans won’t do anything else to humiliate her at her wedding.

Keeka tells Andrew that she could use some cheering up. She proceeds to lead Andrew into her bedroom, much to Andrew’s dismay.

Later, in the evening, in Keeka’s mansion, Keeka’s phone is ringing. Keeka answers it. It is one of the Swans, Nella. Nella tells Keeka to put Andrew on. Keeka gives the phone to Andrew. Nella tells Andrew to come alone to Miona’s mansion. Nella tells Andrew that the Swans are waiting for him there; that they want to give him a very special pre-wedding wedding gift.

After ending the phone call, Andrew tells Keeka that the Swans have summoned him, and him alone. He says that he will be back later. Keeka is troubled by this development. She says that she is worried that the Swans are going to try to do something to get him to back out of marrying her.

“You’re being silly,” Andrew says. “You’re worrying over nothing.” He kisses Keeka on her disgusting, swollen lips. “I’ll be back later,” he says.

A little later, Andrew arrives at Miona’s mansion. Much to Andrew’s delight, the Swans are all there, and all wearing nothing but lingerie. Fawna says that Andrew isn’t fooling them; that they know he doesn’t really love Keeka; that no man could ever fall in love with a woman as unattractive as Keeka; that he only wants to marry her for her money. Another Swan, Tabeeza, says that Andrew must be very, very dedicated to his desire to become rich, given that he is willing to go so far as to marry such an unattractive woman to achieve that goal. Miona says that Andrew’s intense dedication to his goal is admirable, and deserves to be rewarded. One by one, each of the Swans kisses Andrew. They then lead him into a nearby bedroom.

Later, Andrew returns to Keeka’s mansion. Keeka asks Andrew why the Swans summoned him. Andrew says that they just wanted to give him a congratulatory bottle of wine as a pre-wedding wedding gift. Keeka asks where the bottle of wine is. Andrew says that he and the Swans already drank it. Keeka believes Andrew.

The following morning, Keeka and Andrew are in the neighborhood’s church for their wedding ceremony.

Keeka, of course, looks terrible. Her wedding dress barely fits her, and looks like it might tear at any moment. The dress would have fit her perfectly if her body didn’t become so swollen due to the peanut butter. None of the wedding guests can bring themselves to look at Keeka’s very swollen face for more than one second at a time.

Among the many, many wedding guests who came on short notice are the Swans’ husbands. They are all very, very large men.

Mysteriously though, the Swans do not appear to be in attendance. Their mysterious absence troubles Keeka greatly. She fears that the Swans have something terrible in store for her, and that their current absence has something to do with it.

She is right.

The church’s minister begins to conduct the wedding. He asks Andrew and Keeka to approach the church’s altar, where the minister is standing. Keeka and Andrew approach the altar.

Andrew is so happy. He has suffered so much in his attempts to become rich. And now he is certain that the suffering is almost over.

However, before the minister can get to the part where he declares Andrew and Keeka married, one of the Swans, Nella, interrupts the minister by coming out of the church’s back room, where she was hiding along with the other Swans. Nella announces that the Swans have some new photographs of themselves that they want Keeka and all her wedding guests to see.

Another Swan, Tabeeza, comes out of the back room, carrying four very, very large photographs. She places each of them by the altar, in a row, so that Keeka and all the wedding guests can see them.

The photographs were taken by someone the Swans hired. The photographs were taken without Andrew’s knowledge. In each photograph, Andrew is standing in Miona’s mansion. In one photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Miona. In another photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Nella. In another photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Tabeeza. In the last photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Fawna.

Keeka screams. “I hate you all so much!” she says, speaking to the Swans. “You’ve ruined my wedding ceremony!”

“And I hate you too!” Keeka says, speaking to Andrew. “You betrayed me! Our wedding is off! I do not want to ever see you again!”

Feeling defeated, Andrew begins walking down the church’s aisle, toward the church’s exit. He came so close to marrying a rich woman for her money, so close. But once again, it was not meant to be. He exits the church.

Fawna comes out of the church’s back room, carrying a bucket of tar. She pours the bucket of tar on Keeka. Keeka screams again.

Outside the church, Andrew is slowly walking down the church’s front stairs, wondering what his next move will be. From behind, someone grabs him, then turns him around. That someone is Fawna’s large, angry husband. Standing behind him are the other Swans’ large, angry husbands. As the Swans know, their husbands are so grateful to be married to such beautiful women that they would never voluntarily leave their wives, even in response to the knowledge that the Swans cheated on their husbands with Andrew. However, that doesn’t mean that the Swans’ husbands have any reservations about punishing Andrew for having an intimate encounter with their wives. The Swans’ husbands proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

Back inside the church, Miona comes out of the church’s back room, carrying a bucket of feathers. She pours the bucket of feathers on Keeka. The feathers all stick to various parts of Keeka, thanks to the tar that was dumped on her moments earlier. Keeka screams again.

The Swans are all smiling, but not in a malicious way. Miona tells Keeka that she shouldn’t be upset; that this is actually the greatest day of her life. Nella tells Keeka that those feathers aren’t just any feathers; that they are swan feathers. Tabeeza says that the feathers are meant to be a symbol of the transformation that is occurring here today. Fawna tells Keeka that they are accepting her as a member of their social clique; that, as of this moment, Keeka is no longer an Ugly Duckling; that she is now an Ugly Swan.

Keeka begins crying, but her tears are tears of joy. This is the happiest moment of her life.

In the church, Keeka and the other Swans begin to celebrate Keeka’s transformation into a Swan while, outside the church, the Swans’ husbands are pummeling Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 21: TWO SLICES OF PIZZA

In a neighborhood, there is a pizzeria. And in that pizzeria is one of its female employees. Her name is Londra. Londra works at the pizzeria as a cashier.

The pizzeria’s pizza is almost always terrible. Most of the pizzeria’s customers never come back after their first visit.

Nevertheless, the pizzeria does have two recurring customers.

One of the recurring customers is a man named Igbert Crutters. Igbert is a very successful entrepreneur. He owns a very successful company. The company’s success caused Igbert to become rich.

The pizzeria’s other recurring customer is a man named Andrew Squervil. Andrew is unemployed. Unlike most people who are unemployed, Andrew has no desire to gain employment. The very idea of him having a job repulses and offends him.

Though Igbert and Andrew are aware of each other’s recurring presence in the pizzeria, they are not friends nor acquaintances. Other than being the same age and being single, Igbert and Andrew have virtually nothing in common.

Igbert has more than enough money to afford to dine in better places than the pizzeria on a regular basis. And, like the pizzeria’s other customers, Igbert finds the pizzeria’s pizza terrible. The only reason that he is a recurring customer to the pizzeria is because he is deeply, madly in love with the pizzeria’s cashier Londra. Igbert goes to the pizzeria on a daily basis just for the opportunity to see Londra.

Unfortunately for Igbert, his love for Londra is completely unrequited. Londra does not find Igbert attractive, and has no reservations about telling him so whenever he is trying to woo her in the pizzeria. Despite Igbert’s persistence, Londra has rejected Igbert many, many times.

Londra is deeply, madly in love with Andrew. Londra thinks Andrew is the most physically attractive man she has ever seen in person. For that reason, she will do anything for Andrew, and she will do anything to be with Andrew.

Whenever Igbert orders a slice of pizza from Londra, she will give him a slice from whichever pizza pie has been sitting out the longest. Whenever Andrew orders a slice of pizza from Londra, she will give him a slice from whichever pizza pie is freshest, and she won’t charge him for it.

That is Andrew’s only reason for being a recurring customer to this pizzeria: the free pizza. Though Andrew also thinks this pizzeria’s pizza is terrible, he is not one to turn down free pizza.

Unfortunately for Londra, her love for Andrew is completely unrequited. Though Andrew finds Londra mildly attractive, he is accustomed to being in the company of very beautiful women. Also, Londra’s lack of wealth greatly contributes to Andrew’s lack of interest in her, as Andrew is currently pursuing a goal to become rich by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money.

But Londra remains persistent. Whenever Andrew is visiting the pizzeria when no other employees are on duty, she will invite him into the pizzeria’s back room, where she will do all sorts of generous things to him.

When this situation is occurring, Andrew does not resist Londra’s advances. He is not one to turn down the advances of a mildly attractive woman, just as he is not one to turn down free pizza. But whenever Londra tries to get Andrew to regard her as something more than a mildly satisfactory treat, she ends up disappointed. Andrew has no interest in developing a serious, meaningful, romantic relationship with Londra.

Igbert is very aware of Londra’s romantic fixation on Andrew. Whenever Igbert sees Londra leading Andrew into the pizzeria’s back room, Igbert seethes with jealousy. Igbert would do anything to be led into the back room by Londra.

Igbert is convinced that Andrew’s recurring presence in the pizzeria is hindering Igbert’s chances of ever getting Londra to fall in love with Igbert. Igbert decides that he has to somehow get Andrew out of the picture.

Igbert hires a private investigator to find out information about Andrew. After the private investigator concludes his investigation, Igbert learns quite a lot about Andrew from the private investigator’s report: where Andrew lives; that Andrew is currently living in the apartment of his friend and that friend’s girlfriend; that Andrew is unemployed; that Andrew frequently visits places often populated by rich, single women; that Andrew frequently tries to seduce such women. Igbert concludes that Andrew is a sleazy gold-digger. This conclusion pleases Igbert, as it gives him an idea as to how he will get Andrew out of the picture.

One day, Igbert shows up unexpectedly at the apartment Andrew is staying at. Andrew answers the door, which Igbert knocked on. Igbert immediately explains why he came to see Andrew: to get Andrew to stop coming to the pizzeria and to stay away from Londra forever. Igbert says that he has lots of money; that, going forward, he will pay Andrew a very large amount of money on a monthly basis in exchange for Andrew staying away from Londra forever.

Andrew asks Igbert what the monthly amount would be. Igbert tells Andrew the amount. Igbert’s answer pleases Andrew greatly. The amount in itself isn’t enough to make Andrew rich, but just a few years of receiving these monthly payments could make Andrew rich. Andrew accepts Igbert’s offer, but warns Igbert that if the monthly payments ever stop, Andrew will immediately go see Londra.

Igbert tells Andrew that there is just one other thing Andrew will have to do as part of their agreement: send Londra a very cruel letter telling her that he does not want to ever see her again. Igbert figures that a cruel goodbye letter from Andrew will decrease her self-esteem, thereby making her more susceptible to Igbert’s wooing. Andrew says that he has no problem whatsoever sending a cruel goodbye letter to Londra; that he looks forward to writing it.

So, after receiving the first payment from Igbert, Andrew sends Londra a very, very cruel goodbye letter. It is even more cruel than Igbert hoped it would be.

Londra is devastated by the letter. Though her situation with Andrew seemed very hopeless, she always believed that, someday, somehow, she and Andrew would end up getting married.

As Igbert predicted, Londra’s self-esteem is now very low. Londra no longer believes she is attractive enough to win the love of handsome men, men like Andrew. She now thinks that, if she is to have any hope of ever getting a marriage proposal, she will have to be willing to settle for men she doesn’t find attractive, like Igbert. So, the next time Igbert asks Londra out, Londra’s response is yes. So Igbert and Londra begin dating.

At first, Igbert is very happy, the happiest he will ever be in his entire life. He has won the woman he believes to be his soul mate.

But then his happiness begins to turn to misery. For although Londra is now his girlfriend, she is still very much in love with Andrew, a fact she makes no attempt to conceal from Igbert. She frequently tells Igbert that he could never satisfy her the way Andrew satisfied her; that Igbert is inferior to Andrew in every way; that, if Andrew ever comes back to her, she will abandon Igbert without hesitation.

Londra is miserable. She hates Igbert as much as Igbert loves her. She misses Andrew terribly.

Igbert can see how unhappy Londra is with him. He realizes that no matter how hard he tries, and no matter what he does, Londra will never, ever love him.

But nevertheless, Igbert loves her, and thus wants her to be happy.

So Igbert goes to see Andrew again. Igbert meets Andrew at the apartment he is staying at. Igbert tells Andrew that their agreement is going to have to change; that Igbert is no longer going to pay Andrew to stay away from Londra; that Igbert is now going to pay Andrew to return to Londra and to be Londra’s boyfriend. Igbert says that he will continue to pay Andrew on a monthly basis as long as Andrew continues to be Londra’s boyfriend.

Andrew accepts Igbert’s new offer. Andrew figures he’ll dump Londra in a few years, after he accumulates enough of Igbert’s payments to make him rich.

So Andrew returns to Londra. He tells her that he wants to become her boyfriend.

Londra is so happy. Of course, she accepts Andrew’s offer. Then she breaks up with Igbert via a very cruel goodbye letter.

So Andrew and Londra begin dating. However, a few days into their relationship, Londra meets a man named Derek. Derek is interested in Londra, and he is slightly more attractive than Andrew. So Londra leaves Andrew for Derek.

After finding out that Andrew and Londra are no longer dating, Igbert stops paying Andrew. Andrew is sad about that. Since Londra no longer loves Andrew, she no longer gives him free pizza. Andrew is sad about that too. He stops going to the pizzeria.

Igbert stops going to the pizzeria too. He finds it too depressing now. He has kept the cruel goodbye letter Londra gave him, as it is all he has to remember her by. He keeps it on his person at all times, even though the mere thought of the letter causes him so much misery.

Londra and Derek get married. Londra forgets all about Igbert and Andrew.

EPISODE 22: ANDREW AND RIORA’S FIRST DATE

Tonight, Andrew Squervil is on a date with a beautiful woman. This is very unusual.

It is unusual not because Andrew has any difficulties attracting beautiful women. In fact, he is actually quite good at that. Over the years, he has seduced many, many beautiful women.

Andrew being on a date with a beautiful woman is unusual because he usually doesn’t go on dates with the women he is trying to seduce. Andrew’s seductions of previous female conquests usually hadn’t required him to take the conquest on a date or dates beforehand.

Unfortunately for Andrew, the woman who he is currently on a date with and who he is trying to seduce is not as slutty as most of his previous female conquests. To complete his seduction of her will require more romantic effort on Andrew’s part, hence his reason for being on the date with her tonight.

The woman’s name is Riora. She met Andrew at a party hosted by her friend Pustilla and Pustilla’s boyfriend Martin. During the party, Riora became quite taken with Andrew. She found him handsome and charming. Before leaving the party that night, Riora gave Andrew a piece of paper containing her phone number.

Unbeknownst to Riora, after she left the party that night, Pustilla took the piece of paper from Andrew and subsequently destroyed it before Andrew could commit Riora’s phone number to his memory. Pustilla did this not out of any desire to protect her friend Riora from getting mixed up with a sleazy, despicable loser like Andrew. Unbeknownst to everyone but Andrew and Pustilla, Pustilla has been cheating on her boyfriend Martin with Andrew. Pustilla views Andrew as her personal plaything. She doesn’t want to share her plaything with any other women, hence Pustilla’s reason for destroying the piece of paper containing Riora’s phone number.

Andrew is a friend of Pustilla’s boyfriend Martin. Currently, Andrew is staying at Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. Martin and Pustilla are letting Andrew stay there indefinitely and rent-free.

Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. He loathes every second that he is with her. To Andrew, Pustilla is like an unsavory meal that is agonizing to eat, and that always leaves a terrible taste in his mouth long after he eats it.

The only reason that Andrew is having the affair with Pustilla is to ensure that she has incentive to not evict him from the apartment, which, unfortunately for Andrew, is the best living option currently available to him.

Despite Pustilla’s attempt to thwart Andrew’s potential seduction of Riora, Andrew did not give up. He obtained Riora’s phone number via alternate means, and subsequently called Riora to set up the date that Andrew and Riora are now on.

The date started when Andrew picked Riora up at her apartment. During that brief period, Andrew got a glimpse of Riora’s apartment. From what Andrew saw, Riora’s apartment is far superior to Martin and Pustilla’s apartment in every way.

Prior to picking Riora up at her apartment, Andrew’s only intentions with Riora were to seduce her and to then discard her, much like he did to many other women after getting what he’d wanted from them.

However, now that Andrew saw Riora’s apartment, his plan became slightly modified. Andrew still wants to seduce her, but now he also wants to become her live-in boyfriend. He would much rather be living in Riora’s apartment than Martin and Pustilla’s apartment.

Of course, Andrew has no interest in ever getting married to Riora, who isn’t rich. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. Getting married to Riora would thwart any chance Andrew has of ever accomplishing his goal. However, Andrew sees no harm in becoming Riora’s live-in boyfriend. In that scenario, he could easily abandon her as soon as something better comes along, whereas marital dissolution is often much more difficult to accomplish.

At the moment, Andrew and Riora are entering a movie theater. As part of their date, they are going to see a movie together. Now they are sitting in the movie theater. On the gigantic screen that they are facing, the movie begins. It is a dark, depressing work of fiction about an evil married couple on a spaceship in space who meet an evil, beautiful woman who gives the couple the opportunity to become ageless and immortal. Riora doesn’t like the movie.

Later, Andrew escorts Riora back to her apartment. He asks Riora if he can come in. Riora tells Andrew that, while she has enjoyed getting to know him, she thinks it would be best if they would be just friends. Riora kisses Andrew on his left cheek, then bids him farewell, then closes her apartment’s door on him, thereby dooming Andrew to continue being with Pustilla.

EPISODE 23: THE SCULPTRESS

Tonight, Andrew Squervil is in a nightclub located in a very upper-class neighborhood. Because of the nightclub’s location, it is often populated by rich, single women.

Andrew knows this. That is why he came to the nightclub tonight. Andrew, who is not rich, has a goal to become rich. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money.

While in the nightclub, Andrew meets a beautiful woman named Zotica. From the conversation that Andrew is having with Zotica, he learns much about her: that she is a very wealthy heiress; that she lives alone in a nearby mansion; that she is an artist; that her art is sculpting; that, though she has created many, many sculptures over the years, she has never sold any of her sculptures; that the general consensus on her sculptures seems to be that they are unimaginative and derivative.

Andrew pretends to be very much interested in hearing about Zotica’s artistic struggles. He asks her if he can see her sculptures.

“My sculptures are all back at my mansion,” Zotica says. She invites Andrew to come with her back to her mansion so she can show him her sculptures. Andrew and Zotica leave the nightclub together. Sometimes it is that easy for Andrew.

Later, at Zotica’s mansion, Zotica leads Andrew into a room containing all her sculptures. Andrew finds Zotica’s sculptures unimaginative and derivative, but he pretends to really like them. He tells Zotica that she shouldn’t give up, even though he really thinks that she probably should’ve given up a long time ago.

Zotica says that she hopes that she will one day sculpt a masterpiece; that she is just waiting for the right inspiration to come along.

Later, in Zotica’s bedroom, Andrew completes his seduction of Zotica.

Both of them enjoyed the experience, but Zotica is particularly ecstatic about it. She says that she found the experience, and Andrew, and his body, very, very inspiring. She says that she now knows what her next sculpture, her masterpiece, will be: a sculpture of Andrew.

Andrew thinks that Zotica probably had too much to drink at the nightclub, but he pretends to be enthusiastic about her idea, as he wants to marry her to gain access to her wealth. He agrees to pose for her in relation to the sculpture of him.

That night, in another room in Zotica’s mansion, while Andrew poses for Zotica as needed, Zotica begins creating a life-size sculpture of Andrew Squervil.

Andrew is not looking at Zotica while she is sculpting, per Zotica’s request. Zotica prefers that her subjects not look at her while she works, for reasons she herself does not quite understand.

In the very early morning, Zotica completes her sculpture. She is very pleased with the final result.

Zotica tells Andrew that she finished; that he can stop posing now. Andrew stops posing.

Zotica tells him to take a look at the finished sculpture and give her his honest opinion of it.

Andrew, who is now looking at the life-size sculpture of him, is utterly horrified by what he sees.

Andrew thinks that the sculpture is in many ways quite accurate. The sculpture’s head seems identical to Andrew’s head. For that part of the sculpture, it is like looking in a mirror for him. The sculpture’s chest and stomach and arms and hands are also quite accurate, as are the sculpture’s backside, and the sculpture’s legs, and the sculpture’s feet. It is the one remaining part of the sculpture that Andrew has a problem with. Andrew feels that that part of the sculpture is very inaccurate; that Zotica made that part of the sculpture much, much smaller than the real thing.

Andrew gently suggests to Zotica that perhaps she should revise that part of the sculpture; that perhaps she should make that part much, much larger, just for the sake of accuracy.

Zotica puts her arms around Andrew, trying to console him. “You have nothing to be ashamed of,” she says. “That part of the sculpture is more than big enough for me. Size isn’t that important to me anyway. Good things often come in very small packages.”

Andrew does not feel any better.

Zotica says that there is an annual art exposition coming up in a few days; that many local artists will be at the exposition, having their works on display, and for sale. Zotica says that she intends to be at this exposition, having her Andrew Squervil sculpture on display, and for sale.

Zotica asks Andrew if he will accompany her to the exposition. She says that having Andrew there would increase the likelihood of the sculpture getting sold, as potential buyers would be able to see how accurate the sculpture really is. Zotica says that Andrew’s accompaniment would mean a lot to her.

Andrew doesn’t want to attend the art exposition. He doesn’t want people comparing him to the very unflattering sculpture. He doesn’t want people thinking that that sculpture is an accurate portrayal of him.

But he knows it would mean a lot to Zotica, and that declining to accompany her would destroy any chance he has of conning her into marriage. So Andrew agrees to accompany Zotica to the art exposition.

Zotica is so happy that Andrew has agreed to accompany her to the art exposition. She is grateful for all his help and support. She leads Andrew back into her bedroom to express her gratitude in the best way she knows how.

A few days later, the art exposition is taking place. Many, many artists are in attendance. Many, many potential art buyers are also in attendance.

Zotica and Andrew are at the art exposition. Zotica’s sculpture is on display. Many, many people are admiring the sculpture. Many, many people are noticing how much her sculpture looks like Andrew.

At one point during the exposition, while Zotica is elsewhere, Andrew gets into a conversation with an attractive woman. She seems quite taken with Andrew. Then she notices the sculpture, particularly the part of it that Andrew is troubled by. Thinking that Andrew probably has very little to offer her, the woman very quickly ends her conversation with Andrew, then walks far, far away from him.

In his quest to become rich, Andrew has had many humiliating experiences, but this one is by far the worst.

Eventually, someone buys Zotica’s sculpture. Zotica is very happy. Andrew pretends to be very happy for her. Andrew suggests that they go have dinner in a fancy restaurant tonight to celebrate her success.

Zotica tells Andrew that, sadly, that will not be possible; that, as an artist, she has to avoid being repetitive; that she already got all the creative inspiration she could get from Andrew; that she now needs to move on to another subject; that she is ending their relationship here and now.

And that was how Zotica achieved artistic success, and how Andrew once again failed to become rich.

EPISODE 24: DEADLY TATTOO

Andrew Squervil is having a bad day. Earlier today, he was dumped by a rich woman named Zotica. Andrew, who is not rich, had been trying to con Zotica into marriage to gain access to her wealth. But now Andrew realizes that his efforts were in vain. Zotica wants nothing more to do with him.

At the moment, Andrew is sitting in a crowded tavern, drinking an alcoholic beverage to drown his bitterness over his most recent failed attempt to marry a rich woman for her money.

While Andrew is sitting in the tavern, he is approached by another man. Andrew knows this other man. The other man’s name is Karl.

Karl used to be married to a beautiful woman named Velaina. Karl and Velaina used to live in a house together.

For a time, Andrew was staying at Karl and Velaina’s house. Karl and Velaina were letting Andrew stay there indefinitely and rent-free.

During that time, unbeknownst to Karl, Velaina was cheating on him with Andrew. Karl had some suspicions that Andrew and Velaina’s relationship wasn’t platonic, but Karl was never able to verify those suspicions.

Velaina and Karl’s marriage eventually ended. In light of the divorce, Karl moved out of the house, leaving Velaina and Andrew alone in the house together.

Since then, Karl has deluded himself into believing that his earlier suspicions of infidelity were incorrect; that he was just being paranoid; that Andrew and Velaina’s relationship really was strictly platonic; that Andrew had virtually nothing to do with the disintegration of Karl and Velaina’s marriage.

Because of this false belief, Karl now has no feelings of ill will toward Andrew. In the tavern, Karl gives Andrew a friendly greeting, then begins conversing with Andrew in a friendly manner.

Karl asks Andrew how Velaina is doing. Andrew says that he doesn’t know; that he no longer lives in the house, nor keeps in touch with Velaina.

That is true. Some time after Karl moved out of the house, Velaina dumped Andrew and evicted him from the house. Andrew has not seen or heard from Velaina since then.

Karl, who is drunk, says that he misses Velaina very much; that divorcing her was the biggest mistake of his life; that since the divorce, his life has been on a seemingly endless downward spiral.

Karl says that there are so many different things about Velaina that he misses: her hair; her pretty face; her legs; the very tiny, nearly invisible tattoo on her right upper inner thigh.

Andrew, who is also drunk, says that Karl is mistaken; that Velaina’s very tiny, nearly invisible tattoo is on her left upper inner thigh, not her right one.

Suddenly, Andrew realizes that he shouldn’t have said that. The alcohol caused him to speak before thinking. He wants to take back what he said.

But it is too late. Karl is staring at Andrew, infuriated. Karl demands to know how Andrew knows the correct location of Velaina’s tattoo.

Andrew tries to think of a believable lie to say. But he can’t.

Karl proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 25: NEW NEIGHBOR

Martin Pimbly is fed up with his friend Andrew Squervil. For quite some time now, Andrew has been living in the apartment of Martin and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla. Andrew, who is unemployed, is staying in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment indefinitely and rent-free. Martin is increasingly annoyed by Andrew’s presence in the apartment. Martin wants his sleazy loser friend Andrew to move out.

Unfortunately for Martin, his girlfriend Pustilla will not allow Martin to evict Andrew from the apartment. Pustilla told Martin that evicting Andrew from the apartment would be too cruel. Pustilla has a very domineering effect on Martin. Martin always does whatever he can to accommodate Pustilla’s wants and needs. So Martin can’t evict Andrew from the apartment.

Martin has been hoping that Andrew would obtain employment and then, after accumulating enough income to support himself, move out of the apartment on his own volition. However, much to Martin’s frustration, Andrew hasn’t even been searching for a job. Andrew was born into a life of luxury. He was living such a life until being stripped of his wealthy status some time ago as a result of a lawsuit. However, that didn’t change Andrew’s view on employment. At a very early age, Andrew decided that he would never, ever work. Andrew finds the whole concept of employment repulsive and offensive.

Martin really wants to be free of Andrew, but Martin is having trouble figuring out a way to get rid of Andrew without displeasing Pustilla. Martin knows that the only way to accomplish this would be to create some kind of circumstances that would make Andrew want to move out on his own volition.

One day, while Martin is walking out of the apartment complex containing his and Pustilla’s apartment, he notices a moving van outside. Later, Martin notices a new name on the mailbox of the apartment next to his and Pustilla’s apartment. Later, while Martin is coming out of his apartment, he sees a beautiful woman about to enter the apartment next door.

The woman notices Martin. She introduces herself to him. Her name is Sofia. Sofia says that she recently moved into the apartment complex.

Martin is very nervous, as it is not common for him to be in a conversation with a beautiful woman. He nervously introduces himself to Sofia, then does his best to converse with her without appearing nervous.

After their conversation ends, Sofia goes into her apartment, and Martin goes on his way to where he is heading.

Martin is annoyed with himself. He is certain that Sofia now perceives him as an insecure, nervous wreck. Unlike Andrew, Martin is not at all good at attracting beautiful women. This inability frustrates Martin greatly, as he would gladly leave Pustilla for Sofia without hesitation if the opportunity presented itself.

But then Martin realizes that perhaps the beautiful Sofia’s presence in the apartment complex could still be capitalized on in some way. Though Martin is certain that he will never get to indulge in the sweet nectar that is Sofia, he thinks that perhaps he could use Sofia to motivate Andrew to move out of Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. Martin’s tentative plan is to somehow get Andrew and Sofia to start dating each other, and then get Andrew to move out of Martin and Pustilla’s apartment and into Sofia’s apartment.

So, the day after Martin met Sofia, he invites her to have dinner with Martin and Pustilla and Andrew in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment. Sofia accepts Martin’s invitation.

Later, in the evening, in Martin and Pustilla’s apartment, Martin introduces Sofia to Pustilla and Andrew.

Andrew finds Sofia attractive. He intends to try to seduce her.

Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Pustilla does not like Sofia. Pustilla dislikes all beautiful women. But she especially dislikes Sofia because Pustilla can already tell that Andrew and Sofia are quite attracted to each other.

Unbeknownst to Martin and Sofia, Pustilla has been cheating on Martin with Andrew. Which is Pustilla’s real reason for not allowing Martin to evict Andrew from the apartment.

Pustilla views Andrew as her personal plaything. Pustilla doesn’t want to share her plaything with any other women, including Sofia.

Andrew doesn’t like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. He is only having the affair with her to ensure that she has incentive to not evict him from the apartment, which, unfortunately for Andrew, is the best living option currently available to him.

During the dinner, Andrew and Sofia really hit it off, despite Pustilla’s efforts to make Sofia realize that Andrew is a sleazy, despicable loser who Sofia would be better off not getting involved with.

A few days later, while Martin and Pustilla are both away at their respective places of employment, Andrew completes his seduction of Sofia in Sofia’s apartment.

A few days after that, Andrew manipulates Sofia into asking Andrew to move in with her, thereby taking their relationship to the next level. Andrew moves out of Martin and Pustilla’s apartment and into Sofia’s apartment.

Sofia is very happy with this development. Thanks to Andrew’s lies and manipulations, Sofia incorrectly believes that Andrew is a good person; and that he is husband material; and that he intends to find employment soon so that he could help pay the bills, etcetera.

Andrew is also very happy with his transition to Sofia’s apartment, which is just as nice as Martin and Pustilla’s apartment, plus the added bonus of being devoid of Pustilla. It pleases Andrew greatly to think that he will never be with Pustilla again, except in his nightmares.

Martin, of course, is very happy with Andrew’s transition out of Martin and Pustilla’s apartment, even though it pains Martin to know that Andrew once again won the love of a woman Martin would have given anything to be with.

Pustilla, of course, is the one person who isn’t happy about Andrew’s transition out of her and Martin’s apartment and into Sofia’s apartment. Pustilla wants Andrew back. And she intends to get him back.

Pustilla places a phone call to her female friend Tartana. Tartana is a beautiful woman who Andrew has never met, and who is very, very promiscuous. Over the phone, Pustilla asks Tartana to do Pustilla a favor, one which Tartana will very much enjoy.

One day, while Sofia is away at her place of employment, she receives a phone call on her cellular phone. The anonymous caller, who is Tartana, tells Sofia that it would be in Sofia’s best interests to return home immediately. Then Tartana ends the phone call.

Back at Sofia’s apartment, Andrew is sitting on a couch and watching television and eating potato chips. Someone knocks on the apartment’s front door.

Andrew opens the front door. Standing before him is Tartana. She introduces herself. She says that she recently moved into the apartment complex and is going around to introduce herself to all her neighbors. Those are lies.

Some time later, Sofia returns to her apartment. Though she thinks the phone call she received was just a very strange crank call, she was not able to resist the urge to return home early.

In Sofia’s bedroom, Sofia walks in on Andrew having an intimate encounter with Tartana. Sofia is furious. She dumps Andrew and evicts him from her apartment. Andrew moves back into Martin and Pustilla’s apartment, much to Martin’s dismay and Andrew’s dismay and Pustilla’s delight.

EPISODE 26: A PROPOSAL AND A SEDUCTION

Today, in a bedroom that is in a mansion that is on an island that is in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, the world’s most beautiful woman, who is the mansion’s owner and the island’s queen, is sitting in front of a mirror and brushing her perfect hair. She is getting ready for a date with one of her many, many suitors.

Elsewhere, in a nightclub that is in a country that is in another part of the world, Andrew Squervil is having a conversation with a beautiful woman named Gwendola. Andrew met her only moments earlier.

The nightclub is located in a very upper-class neighborhood. Because of the nightclub’s location, the nightclub is frequently populated by rich, single women. Andrew is aware of this.

Andrew, who is not rich, has a goal to become rich. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. Which is why Andrew is currently in the nightclub, talking with Gwendola. From the conversation that Andrew is having with Gwendola, Andrew learns that Gwendola is a rich, single heiress. Andrew intends to seduce Gwendola, then con her into marriage to gain access to her wealth.

Back on the island, the island’s queen is on the date with the suitor. Though the queen finds the suitor attractive, she can already tell that he isn’t the type of man she would ever consider getting married to.

Contrastingly, the suitor is, of course, madly in love with the queen. He intends to issue a marriage proposal to her.

Back at the nightclub, Gwendola is finding Andrew quite attractive. She invites him to come with her to her mansion, which is nearby.

Andrew and Gwendola leave the nightclub together.

Back on the island, while the queen and her suitor are still on their date, the suitor asks her to marry him.

The queen declines his marriage proposal.

Had the queen accepted the marriage proposal, Andrew Squervil might have avoided the truly terrible, seemingly endless punishment awaiting him in the future. But the queen declined the suitor’s marriage proposal. Unbeknownst to the queen and her suitor and Andrew, the queen’s declination of the marriage proposal is the worst thing that happened to Andrew today.

In Gwendola’s mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of Gwendola.

Afterwards, Andrew tells Gwendola that he is interested in seeing her again; perhaps going out on a proper date with her.

Gwendola tells Andrew that, though she very much enjoyed their intimate encounter, she has no interest in seeing him again; that she would never get seriously involved with an obviously sleazy loser like Andrew.

Feeling defeated, Andrew exits Gwendola’s mansion. Now he is walking home, wondering if he will ever succeed at marrying a rich woman for her money.

At no point during his walk home does Andrew suspect that Gwendola’s rejection of him isn’t even the worst thing that happened to him today.

EPISODE 27: THE ANKLET

During a Friday evening, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is in a nightclub frequently populated by attractive, rich, single women. At the moment, Andrew is talking with an attractive, rich, single woman he introduced himself to moments earlier. Her name is Svenka.

Andrew, who is not rich, has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. At the moment, Andrew is hoping to accomplish this goal with Svenka. He hopes that he will succeed at manipulating her into falling in love with him.

Svenka finds Andrew handsome and charming. She invites Andrew to come with her back to her mansion. Andrew accepts Svenka’s invitation. They leave the nightclub together.

Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

As Andrew and Svenka are outside, walking to Svenka’s mansion, they are stopped by a tall, attractive woman. She shows Andrew what appears to be a police badge. “Andrew Squervil, I am a police officer and I am placing you under arrest,” she says.

Andrew laughs. “Is this a joke?” he says.

“Absolutely not,” the apparent police officer says.

“What are you arresting me for?” Andrew says.

“Defrauding women out of their money,” the apparent police officer says. “Turn around and place your hands behind your back.”

“This is crazy,” Andrew says, speaking to both the apparent police officer and Svenka. “I haven’t defrauded anyone.”

“He’s lying,” the apparent police officer says, speaking to Svenka. “You were his current target. You’re lucky I caught him when I did.”

“Svenka, she’s lying!” Andrew says, realizing his chance to complete his seduction of Svenka and subsequently con her into marriage is quickly slipping away.

“Thank you for stopping him, officer,” Svenka says, speaking to the apparent police officer. “Do you need anything of me?”

“No, I’ve already got more than enough evidence to put this criminal away for a long, long time,” the apparent police officer says, speaking to Svenka. “You can go.”

Svenka begins walking away, much to Andrew’s dismay. The apparent police officer turns Andrew around, then places handcuffs on him, then forces him into the back of a nearby car. She gets into the front of the car, then begins driving it.

“This is crazy,” Andrew says. “I haven’t defrauded anyone.”

“I know you haven’t, Andrew,” the apparent police officer says.

“Then why have you arrested me?” Andrew says. “Why did you tell that woman that I was guilty of this crime? I was really getting somewhere with her!”

“That’s exactly why I lied to her,” the apparent police officer says. “I had to ruin whatever chance you had with her so it wouldn’t interfere with my organization’s objective.”

“What organization?” Andrew says. “What are you talking about?”

“My name is Eva,” the apparent police officer says. “I’m not really a police officer. And you’re not really under arrest. I’m a member of a secret organization. The organization’s only mission is to increase its’ members’ collective wealth, via different opportunities.

“What does any of that have to do with me?” Andrew says.

“Not that long ago, you were a romantic rival to a man named Igbert,” Eva says. “The woman he was in love with was in love with you. As you already know, Igbert wanted to take you out of the picture. He hired a private investigator to obtain information about you. Igbert wanted to use that information to help him figure out how to remove you from the love triangle. The private investigator collected a lot of information about you during his investigation. Some of that information was useful to Igbert, but, as you already know, the love triangle ended badly for both you and him. Meanwhile, the private investigator maintained a file for the investigation he had conducted on you, as he did for all his investigations. Some time later, the investigator’s files were stolen by one of the private investigator’s enemies. Some time later, the files were stolen again by an enemy of the private investigator’s enemy. The private investigator’s enemy’s enemy is a member of the organization. The member shared all of the stolen files with the organization. That’s how the organization learned about you, Andrew Squervil: we read your file. And then we conducted our own investigation of you, to learn more about you. We know much about you.”

“What do you know about me?” Andrew says.

“You were born into a life of luxury,” Eva says. “You inherited your deceased parents’ fortune. You were rich for the first 29 years of your life, but you were then stripped of your wealthy status as a result of a lawsuit. Since then, you’ve been trying to become rich again. You’ve made many, many attempts to accomplish this goal. Many of your attempts to become rich have somehow revolved around you seducing beautiful, rich, single women. Though you’ve been successful in seducing many of these women, you failed to regain your wealthy status every time. Also, you’re having a secret affair with your friend’s girlfriend.”

“What do you want from me?” Andrew says.

“The organization wants to acquire your services for tonight,” Eva says. “You’ve demonstrated an ability to charm and manipulate women. We want to use that ability to acquire an item.”

Eva pulls the car over to the side of the road, then stops the car. She gets out of the front of the car, then gets into the back of the car, next to Andrew. She hands him an envelope. “This is for you,” she says.

Andrew opens the envelope, suspicious. Inside the envelope is money. Andrew takes the money out, then counts it. It is a large amount of money, not an amount large enough to make Andrew rich, but a large amount nevertheless.

“You can keep that,” Eva says. “And if you agree to work for the organization tonight, we’ll pay you that same amount of money again, after you complete your assignment.”

“What do you want me to do?” Andrew says.

Eva hands him another envelope. Andrew opens the envelope, suspicious. In the envelope is a photograph. Andrew takes the photograph out. It is a picture of a beautiful woman walking out of a restaurant in the daytime. In the photograph, she is wearing an anklet on her left ankle.

“This is Breea,” Eva says. “She’s a very wealthy, single heiress. She goes to the same nightclub every Friday night. She’s very wild. She likes to dance and drink alcoholic beverages and go home with men she meets in the nightclub. She’s exactly the type of woman you often try to seduce. But Breea is not the easiest floozy to seduce. She’s very picky about which men she takes home with her. Many, many handsome men have failed to seduce her. The most attractive member of our organization, a male model, tried to seduce Breea for the organization, but she coldly rejected him because his sideburns were slightly longer than she would have liked them to be. The organization hired other handsome men to also try to seduce her, but those men also failed. We believe you have what it takes to seduce Breea.”

“And you’ll give me more money if I seduce her?” Andrew says, confused.

“No, you idiot,” Eva says. “We want you to seduce her so you’ll be close enough to her to complete your assignment. Your assignment is to steal the anklet on her left ankle. If you get the anklet for us, we’ll give you the additional money.”

“What’s so special about the anklet?” Andrew says, looking at the anklet in the photograph.

“It’s a very, very valuable artifact from an ancient civilization,” Eva says. “The anklet originally belonged to that civilization’s queen. It was passed down to future generations. Eventually, it ended up in the possession of one of the queen’s male descendants, a rich young man who lives in the mansion next to Breea’s mansion. The man was trying to woo Breea. In his attempt to woo Breea, he gave her the anklet as a gift, and a symbol of his undying love for her. Breea rejected the man, but kept the anklet. She wears it all the time. She never, ever takes it off. And, based on what the organization knows about the anklet’s physical properties, the anklet is very difficult to remove without its wearer sensing the removal. In order for you to remove the anklet without Breea noticing, you’ll need to make sure she’s distracted. Very, very distracted.”

Andrew is thinking about this potential assignment, considering all the angles. “Let’s say I succeed at seducing her and manage to steal the anklet from her without her knowing,” he says. “What will happen then?”

“Then I’ll be waiting for you in this car, outside her mansion, or wherever it is you complete your seduction of her,” Eva says. “You’ll get in the car. You’ll give me the anklet. I’ll give you the promised payment. You’ll get out of the car. I’ll drive away and you’ll never see me again. And the organization will sell the anklet for a very large amount of money, thereby increasing its members’ collective wealth. Will you do the assignment?”

“Yes,” Andrew says.

Eva drives Andrew to the nightclub that Breea visits every Friday night. “Breea is in there,” Eva says. “Don’t let the organization down, Andrew.”

“I won’t,” Andrew says, lying. He very much intends to double-cross Eva and her organization.

Andrew goes into the nightclub. He spots Breea on the dance floor. She is dancing provocatively with a handsome man. She is wearing the anklet.

Andrew approaches her. Breea, seeing Andrew, quickly abandons the man she’s been dancing with and begins dancing with Andrew.

Later, Andrew and Breea leave the nightclub together. They get into Breea’s car. Breea begins driving herself and Andrew to Breea’s mansion, unaware that she is being followed by Eva.

Later, in Breea’s mansion, while Andrew is completing his seduction of Breea, and while Breea is very, very distracted, Andrew removes the anklet from Breea’s body without Breea noticing the removal. He hides the anklet in his mouth.

Afterwards, Breea says to Andrew: “I’m done with you now. Get out of my mansion.”

Andrew, pretending to be annoyed by Breea’s disposal of him, leaves Breea’s mansion. Outside the mansion, he takes the anklet out of his mouth.

He sees Eva nearby, sitting in her parked car, waiting for Andrew. He holds the anklet up so she can see that he has it. Then he makes a derogatory gesture toward her. Then he begins running away. He intends to sell the anklet himself, thereby making himself rich again.

However, a few feet away from Breea’s mansion, while Andrew is still running away, he is tackled by five other people, causing Andrew to fall to the ground and drop the anklet.

A few seconds later, Andrew, who is still laying on the ground, sees Eva and her five colleagues standing nearby, looking down at Andrew. Eva is holding the anklet. “Oh Andrew,” Eva says. “You didn’t really think I was working alone tonight, did you? And of course I knew there was a possibility that you would double-cross me. You shouldn’t have double-crossed me, Andrew. I would’ve paid you the promised amount of money. Now you get nothing.”

Eva nods at her colleagues. The colleagues proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

Later, Andrew regains consciousness. He is laying on the ground. Two people in police officer uniforms are standing nearby, looking down at Andrew. Breea is also standing nearby, looking down at Andrew.

“That’s him, officers,” Breea says. “That’s the man who stole my anklet! Give it back to me, you sleazy loser!”

Andrew looks around. Eva and her colleagues and the anklet are gone.

“You’ve crazy,” Andrew says, speaking to Breea. “I didn’t steal anything from you.” Andrew finds some small comfort in the idea that, although he lost the anklet, he won’t be legally punished for his theft, given that there is apparently no evidence that he stole it.

But then Breea smiles cruelly. “I have security cameras around the outside of my mansion,” she says, speaking to Andrew. “And one of those cameras captured you taking the anklet out of your mouth and then running away.”

“She’s right,” one of the police officers says, speaking to Andrew. “She showed us the footage. You were clearly stealing the anklet. And for that, we are now arresting you.”

And that was how Andrew ended up getting arrested.

EPISODE 28: DAMNING HAND

Currently, horrible person Andrew Squervil is on trial for the theft of a valuable anklet. The trial is not going well for him. The twelve jurors on the trial are of various ages and cultural backgrounds, but they all have one thing in common: they hate Andrew Squervil. The facts of the case have led each juror to come to the conclusion that Andrew is a truly terrible person concerned only about himself. From the perspective of Andrew and the female attorney he hired to represent him, it seems very likely that the jury will find Andrew guilty of his crime.

The judge on Andrew’s trial has placed Andrew on home arrest for the duration of the trial, meaning that while the trial is ongoing, Andrew is bound to his current place of residence at all times, except when he is in the courthouse, attending his trial. To make sure Andrew doesn’t violate the home arrest and/or try to flee, he has been forced to wear an electronically monitored bracelet on his left ankle at all times.

At the moment, Andrew and his female attorney are in Andrew’s current place of residence, which is the apartment of Andrew’s friend Martin Pimbly and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla. Martin and Pustilla have been letting Andrew stay in the apartment indefinitely and rent-free. Unbeknownst to Martin, Andrew has been carrying on a secret affair with Pustilla.

At the moment, Martin and Pustilla are both away at work. Andrew and his female attorney are the only ones in the apartment.

Andrew’s attorney is a beautiful woman named Riora. Per Pustilla’s request, Riora agreed to represent Andrew, and without charging him for her services.

At the time that Riora agreed to represent Andrew, Riora wasn’t happy about the arrangement. Though she found Andrew attractive, and though they had once dated, Riora had come to the conclusion that Andrew was a sleazy loser. She wanted nothing to do with him, romantically, professionally, or otherwise.

However, Riora’s perception of Andrew has changed over the course of the trial. She has come to believe that Andrew Squervil isn’t a bad person; that there is a good, honorable person buried underneath all that external horribleness. Riora has fallen in love with Andrew. She believes that she can change him.

Riora and Andrew are discussing the case.

“It’s not looking good, Andrew,” Riora says. “All the jurors hate you. They don’t see the good that I see in you. I’ve done everything I could, but I can’t change their perception of you. It seems very likely that they will find you guilty. But all hope is not lost. I was on the phone with the prosecuting attorney a few minutes ago. She’s willing to offer you a plea bargain deal. The deal is that you’ll plead guilty in exchange for six months of community service.”

“Six months?” Andrew says.

“It’s a very good deal being offered,” Riora says. “And it’s certainly better than some of the punishments you could potentially receive from the judge if you’re found guilty. I think you should take the plea bargain.”

“I don’t know,” Andrew says. “Isn’t there any better alternative?”

“No,” Riora says. “But you don’t have to decide right now. Think it over a little. But the prosecuting attorney wants an answer by tomorrow.” Riora kisses Andrew. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says. “I love you, Andrew.”

“I love you too,” Andrew says, lying. He needs to keep her happy so she’ll continue to not charge him for her services.

Riora leaves the apartment.

An hour later, someone knocks on the apartment’s front door. Andrew isn’t expecting any visitors, and Martin and Pustilla are both not to return home from work for another few hours.

Andrew opens the front door. Much to his surprise, an attractive woman is standing before him. At first, he thinks that she is a complete stranger, but then he realizes that the woman is the judge on Andrew’s trial. Without her judge outfit, she looks radically different.

“Hello, Andrew,” she says.

“Hello, Judge Spindler,” Andrew says, confused by her presence.

“Please, call me Sindra,” the judge says. “May I come in?”

Andrew lets her into the apartment.

“You’re probably wondering why I came here,” Sindra says.

“Yes,” Andrew says.

“I came here because… because… because I’ve fallen in love with you, Andrew Squervil,” Sindra says. “When your trial started, I thought you were a sleazy loser. However, my perception of you has changed over the course of the trial. I have come to believe that you’re not a bad person; that there is a good, honorable person buried underneath all that external horribleness. I have fallen in love with you, Andrew. I believe that I can change you. So I guess the reason I came here is to see if there is any chance you might have feelings for me too.”

Andrew realizes that he has an opportunity to manipulate the judge into giving him a very lenient sentence if he is found guilty. “Yes, Sindra,” Andrew says. “Your feelings for me are not unrequited. Ever since my trial began, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I love you, Sindra.”

“I love you too, Andrew!” Sindra says.

They kiss each other.

Two hours later, Sindra is getting ready to leave the apartment.

“We must keep our relationship a secret until your trial is over,” Sindra says. “So people won’t think I have a personal bias toward you in your trial.”

“Do you have a personal bias toward me now?” Andrew says.

“Yes, Andrew,” Sindra says. “I want to be a fair, unbiased judge, but I can’t be with you. I love you too much. And I promise you that if those horrible jurors find you guilty, I will give you a very, very, very lenient sentence; a sentence so lenient that people will think you’ve escaped punishment entirely.”

“And then we can get married,” Andrew says.

“Oh Andrew,” Sindra says. “Do you really mean that?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, lying.

Later, after Sindra has left the apartment, Andrew places a phone call to Riora. Riora answers her phone.

“Tell the prosecuting attorney that I reject her offer,” Andrew says.

The next day, Andrew is in the courthouse, attending his trial. Riora is also present, next to Andrew.

Sindra is also present, standing behind a podium overlooking everyone else in the courtroom. She discreetly winks at Andrew, a wink unseen by all but him.

The jury reaches a verdict. The verdict is announced. Andrew has been found guilty of his crime. Andrew is at ease, confident that he is about to escape punishment, thanks to his secret relationship with Sindra.

Sindra is about to issue her sentence to Andrew. “Andrew Squervil, you have been found guilty by a jury of your peers,” Sindra says. “For that crime, I hereby sentence you to… to…”

Sindra stops talking. She has noticed something: Riora has placed one of her hands on one of Andrew’s hands, trying to comfort Andrew. It has become clear to Sindra that Andrew is in some kind of romantic relationship with Riora; that their relationship is not strictly professional; that Andrew is not really interested in being in a committed, monogamous relationship with Sindra.

Andrew sees Sindra looking at Riora’s hand on his hand. He realizes that Riora has inadvertently doomed him.

Sindra proceeds to give Andrew a very, very, very harsh sentence.

EPISODE 29: THE CHAMBER OF MISERY

In a very large city that is universally considered to be a utopia, an attractive woman named Riora is about to leave her place of work to go on her lunch break.

“Going anywhere good on your lunch break?” one of her male co-workers says.

“I’m going to visit my boyfriend Andrew,” Riora says. “I visit him every day on my lunch break.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” the male co-worker says, trying to appear not at all jealous of Andrew.

The male co-worker watches Riora leave the workplace. “What a lucky boyfriend,” he says, not knowing just how terribly unlucky Riora’s boyfriend Andrew Squervil really is.

A few minutes later, Riora is standing outside, on a crowded street, a few blocks away from the building that she works in. She is holding a bouquet of roses that she purchased on her way to this spot. She places the roses on the sidewalk, then blows a kiss in the direction of the roses. “I love you, Andrew,” Riora says. “And I miss you terribly.” She then begins walking back to her place of work.

Nearby, someone has witnessed and overheard the incident with Riora and the roses. They assume that Riora was talking to a deceased loved one, and that perhaps the spot where she left the roses is the spot where the deceased loved one had died.

That assumption is completely wrong. In actuality, Andrew Squervil is quite alive and deep below the street, directly below the spot where Riora left the roses.

Deep underneath the spot where Riora left the roses is a large chamber. The chamber is a special prison, designed to punish the worst of the city’s criminals. The entire interior of the chamber, from its floor to its ceiling, is constantly full of a sludge-like mixture of many, many different types of animal excrement.

Within the chamber is sleazy person Andrew Squervil. There are shackles on his arms and legs, extremely limiting his mobility. Strapped to his face is a complex mask that is connected to a long, thin tube that goes to the outside of the chamber. The other end of the tube is connected to a complex machine which, via the tube, continuously provides Andrew with oxygen and nutritional foods and nutritional beverages.

Andrew has been trapped within the chamber for what has seemed like a very long time to him. However, he is not certain exactly how long it has been. In this chamber, time doesn’t seem to exist the way it does outside the chamber. In this chamber, a few minutes can feel like a few hours. In this chamber, a few hours can feel like a few decades.

All Andrew can see is the sludge-like matter, constantly in his eyes, forcing him to see it and only it. All he can hear is the sludge-like matter, constantly in his ears, whispering indecipherable, disgusting secrets to him. All Andrew can feel is the sludge-like matter, constantly covering every inch of his body, never letting Andrew forget that it has him in its clutches. And, of course, it’s all he can smell.

Andrew is miserable.

His imprisonment is the result of a trial in which Andrew was being prosecuted for the theft of an anklet. He was found guilty. The trial’s judge, who doesn’t like Andrew, sentenced him to be imprisoned in this chamber for a very, very, very long time.

This type of punishment isn’t uncommon or illegal in the country that Andrew lives in. It is somewhat common, though the length of time that Andrew has to stay in the chamber is very uncommon. Not illegal, but uncommon. The judge really hates Andrew.

Since this punishment started, Andrew has had trouble sleeping. But he does sleep occasionally. Whenever he is about to fall asleep, he hopes that he will dream about any of the many, many women he has found attractive over the years; perhaps his current girlfriend Riora; or perhaps Sindra, the woman who Andrew cheated on Riora with.

But instead, much to Andrew’s recurring dismay, he dreams only about his friend’s girlfriend Pustilla. Andrew does not like Pustilla, nor does he find her attractive. He doesn’t want her in his dreams. But she is always there. Her and only her.

For that reason, sleep is not an escape for Andrew. It is merely the temporary exchange of one awful experience for another.

Eventually, Andrew’s punishment will come to an end. But that is of no comfort to Andrew at the moment. The sludge-like matter won’t let him feel comfort.

EPISODE 30: APARTMENTS

Today, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is being released from the chamber which he was confined to for a long period of time. This confinement was the result of a trial in which Andrew was found guilty of the theft of a valuable anklet. The trial’s judge, a woman named Sindra, gave Andrew this punishment not because she thought it was a fitting punishment for the crime, but because she hates Andrew.

For some reason though, the judge, Sindra, later used her authority to end Andrew’s punishment early, a few weeks before it was originally supposed to end. Andrew doesn’t understand why Sindra did that, but he doesn’t care. He’s just glad to be free from that horrible chamber.

Upon his release, Andrew sees an attractive woman named Riora. She has been waiting for him. Riora is an attorney. She represented Andrew in his trial. Shortly before the trial’s conclusion, she became Andrew’s girlfriend.

Andrew and Riora kiss each other.

“I missed you so much, Andrew,” Riora says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Andrew says, lying. He doesn’t love Riora. To him, she is like a delicious piece of candy that can offer him very little nutritional value. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, beautiful woman for her money. Though Riora makes a decent income, she isn’t rich. So Andrew plans to just continue having his fun with her and taking what he can from her until something better comes along.

Riora leads Andrew to her car. They get into the car and she begins driving him somewhere.

While driving, Riora hands a letter to Andrew. “This is for you,” Riora says. “It’s from Martin and Pustilla.”

Martin is Andrew’s friend. Pustilla is Martin’s girlfriend. Martin and Pustilla share an apartment. Prior to Andrew’s imprisonment, Martin and Pustilla were letting Andrew stay at the apartment indefinitely and rent-free. Unbeknownst to Martin and Riora, Andrew had been carrying on a secret affair with Pustilla.

Andrew reads the letter, which was written by Pustilla. In the letter, Pustilla tells Andrew that, during his imprisonment, she and Martin went on a cruise; and that, during the cruise, they befriended a handsome male underwear model named Liglio; and that Liglio needed a place to stay at indefinitely and rent-free; and that, per Pustilla’s invitation, Liglio is now staying at Martin and Pustilla’s apartment indefinitely and rent-free; and that, for that reason, there is no longer any space for Andrew in the apartment.

Andrew is dismayed. He very much liked the apartment.

“I read the letter already,” Riora says. “And you have no need to worry about finding a place to stay at. You can stay with me at my apartment.”

“Really?” Andrew says. He recalls that Riora has a very nice apartment.

“Yes,” Riora says. “I think we are ready to take that next step in our relationship.”

Andrew is smiling.

Later, they arrive at the crummy apartment building that Riora currently lives in. Andrew has stopped smiling. This is not the apartment building that Andrew remembers Riora living in. This other apartment building is not as nice.

“You moved?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Riora says. “I had to downgrade to a lesser apartment. I wanted to surprise you: you were released from your imprisonment early because of me!”

“What do you mean?” Andrew says.

“I could no longer stand the thought of you trapped in that horrible chamber, so I bribed the judge into ending your imprisonment a few weeks early,” Riora says.

“What did you bribe her with?” Andrew says, feeling a sense of dread.

“My life savings,” Riora says cheerfully. “So obviously, I can no longer afford to pay the rent for that other apartment I was living in. I can barely afford to pay the rent for the current apartment I’m living in. But it was all worth it, Andrew. Because you’re free now, a few weeks earlier than you would have been otherwise. I did it for you, Andrew.”

She kisses Andrew, who is desperately, hopefully thinking that he hasn’t seen Riora’s current apartment yet; that perhaps it is nicer than the apartment building’s external characteristics would lead one to expect.

They go into Riora’s apartment. It is even crummier than Andrew feared it might be. He didn’t know there existed apartments this small and depressing-looking.

“Welcome to your new home, Andrew Squervil!” Riora says cheerfully.

Andrew smiles, although what he really wants to do is scream.

EPISODE 31: PRECIOUS DOCUMENT

Today, using money he stole from his current girlfriend, formerly rich person Andrew Squervil hires a private investigator to conduct an investigation.

Since being stripped of his wealthy status, Andrew has had many, many misadventures, most of which in some way revolved around his goal to regain his wealthy status. These misadventures always ended badly for Andrew and collectively caused him much suffering, including but not limited to: public humiliations; intimate encounters with women he didn’t find attractive; merciless beatings; imprisonments; and being stranded at sea.

After a misadventure that resulted in Andrew getting stranded at sea, Andrew ended up on an island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. The existence of the island is a well-kept secret, unknown to most people throughout the world. The island’s location does not appear on any maps. The island is a wonderful, wonderful place that all of its residents cherish.

The island is ruled by a queen. She is the sole ruler of the island. She lives in a mansion in the center of the island. The queen is a very rich, very beautiful, single woman. Many people consider her to be the most beautiful woman who has ever existed. Because of her beauty, the queen has many, many suitors on the island.

During Andrew’s time on the island, Andrew got the opportunity to meet with the queen. He thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty, and, more importantly, her massive wealth, made Andrew very much interested in her.

During Andrew’s meeting with the queen, Andrew got along quite well with her. She found him charming and attractive. She invited him to a dinner party.

Andrew, of course, accepted the invitation. He intended to seduce the queen and subsequently con her into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth and becoming co-ruler of the island.

However, Andrew never got the chance to do that. Shortly after his first meeting with the queen, a woman named Callandra tricked Andrew into drinking a beverage containing a very rare potion. The potion caused him to become unconscious for a very, very long period of time. Callandra is very much in love with the queen. Callandra saw Andrew as a very significant threat to her romantic intentions with the queen. So, while Andrew was unconscious, Callandra arranged for Andrew to be delivered back to his native land. When Andrew regained consciousness, he was back in his native land without any clues as to how to find a way back to the island.

Andrew was very angry about being cheated out of his chance at happiness. He vowed to himself that he would someday, somehow get back to the island.

So Andrew has hired the private investigator to find anything that might help Andrew find his way back to the island. Andrew realizes that this tactic is a long shot, but he is desperate.

A few weeks later, much to Andrew’s surprise, the private investigator provides Andrew with some findings. From the private investigator’s results, Andrew learns that there is a large corporation that used to do business with the queen. The corporation is located in Andrew’s country. When the corporation was doing business with the queen, it would routinely send some of its employees to the island to provide the queen with the requested services. The queen terminated her relationship with the corporation years ago, but, as a former employee told the private investigator, the corporation maintains confidential records of all its clients and former clients, including the queen. And, according to the former employee, the records for the queen include a document indicating exactly how to get to the island.

“Unfortunately, the former employee did not know where specifically the corporation keeps this document, only that it exists,” the private investigator says, speaking to Andrew. “It’s probably very well-hidden, definitely not easily accessible. You would have to be an employee there to even have a chance of getting to that document.”

Andrew gulps. He is having a horrifying realization. At a very early age, he decided that he would never, ever hold a job of any kind. The very idea of employment has always repulsed and offended him. But now, he is realizing that, in order to get to the document, he will have to somehow get a job at this corporation.

And so, much to his dismay, Andrew begins trying to get a job for the first time in his life.

EPISODE 32: JOB INTERVIEW

Today, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is sitting in an office of a large corporation, being interviewed for a job. It is very important to Andrew that he get this particular job. Andrew recently learned that somewhere in this corporation’s records is a confidential document that he could use to become rich. So Andrew wants to get this job so he will be able to get access the corporation’s records to steal the document.

The woman interviewing Andrew in a closed office is an overweight woman who Andrew doesn’t find attractive. For that reason, Andrew dislikes the woman, but he is acting charming and flirtatious toward her to manipulate her into giving him the job.

Unfortunately for Andrew, and much to his surprise, the woman says to Andrew: “Unfortunately, I’m really looking for a candidate with more experience.”

Andrew is shocked. He realizes that there is a strong possibility that he will not get the job, despite his charming, flirtatious behavior.

Andrew is desperate. So he resorts to doing something that he didn’t want to resort to doing: he seduces the woman interviewing him.

And that was how Andrew got the job.

EPISODE 33: LARGE, HEAVY OBJECT

Currently, as part of an attempt to become rich, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is working in the office environment of a large corporation. The corporation has a confidential document that Andrew could use to become rich. So he has obtained a job at the corporation to get access to that document.

Unfortunately for Andrew, the document is well-hidden somewhere in the corporation’s records. Since beginning his employment at the corporation, Andrew has been discreetly searching for clues as to how to get to the document.

One day, while Andrew is at work, pretending to look busy and trying to figure out how to find the document he wants to steal, he notices a very beautiful woman coming out of the C.E.O.’s office. The C.E.O. is with her, carrying a very large, very heavy object.

“Who is that?” Andrew says, speaking to Ferga, a female co-worker who is madly in love with Andrew.

“That’s Gloria,” Ferga says. “She’s one of the corporation’s biggest clients. She’s very wealthy. She’s also a total slut.”

Andrew has a goal to become rich. He would like to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. For that reason, he is very much interested in getting to know Gloria.

As Gloria and the C.E.O. are passing by Andrew and Ferga, Andrew hears Gloria saying to the C.E.O.: “Thank you for the gift. And thank you for carrying it to my limousine for me. Are you sure we shouldn’t get someone else to carry it? Someone stronger? It looks very, very heavy.”

Gloria is right: the large, heavy object is very, very heavy. But the C.E.O., who is madly attracted to Gloria and thus wants to impress her, says: “No need. I’m fine.”

“Allow me, boss,” Andrew says grabbing the large, heavy object away from the C.E.O.. “I insist.”

“Oh, okay,” the C.E.O. says, secretly annoyed. “Thank you, Alan.”

“It’s Andrew actually,” Andrew says, extending a hand to Gloria. “Andrew Squervil.”

“I’m Gloria,” Gloria says, shaking Andrew’s hand.

Carrying the large, heavy object, Andrew begins following Gloria out of the corporation’s office building to Gloria’s limousine. The journey is long and painful for Andrew. The object is very, very heavy.

They arrive at the limousine. Andrew puts the object into the limousine’s trunk.

Andrew then asks Gloria out. He expects her to say yes. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

But Gloria’s response is: “I don’t date losers.” She gets into the back of her limousine. The limousine drives away.

EPISODE 34: MULTITASKING

Currently, as part of an attempt to become rich, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is working in the office environment of a large corporation. The corporation has a confidential document that Andrew could use to become rich. So he has obtained a job at the corporation to get access to that document, and steal it.

Unfortunately for Andrew, the document is well-hidden somewhere in the corporation’s records. Since beginning his employment at the corporation, Andrew has been discreetly searching for clues as to how to get to the document.

One day, Andrew learns that a female co-worker named Ferga knows the location of all of the corporation’s records, even the most well-hidden ones. Fortunately for Andrew, Ferga is madly in love with him and therefore susceptible to his manipulative, flirtatious behavior. Unfortunately for Andrew, he does not find Ferga attractive. But Andrew really wants that document. So, one evening, after all of the corporation’s other employees leave for the night, Andrew completes his seduction of Ferga in Ferga’s workspace. It was an odious task for Andrew, but one that he felt was necessary.

Afterwards, he successfully manipulates Ferga into telling him the location of the document he secretly intends to steal. The document is contained within an electronic folder in the corporation’s electronic database. Unfortunately for Andrew, Ferga mentions that the electronic documents are all password-protected, each requiring five different passwords, none of which Ferga knows.

Ferga mentions that there are five female co-workers who each know one of the passwords: Lauren, Jan, Annette, Julia, and Mindy. Andrew is familiar with these women. He finds them all attractive, which is good for him, as he intends to seduce each of those women to get the passwords.

Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew, believing Ferga is no longer of any use to him, tells her that their dalliance was a mistake; that it was inappropriate behavior for a workplace; that he respects her too much to try to continue this unprofessional behavior with her; that they should go back to just being work colleagues and forget this dalliance ever happened.

Ferga is heartbroken, but she sees Andrew’s mind is made up. “I will always love you, Andrew,” she says.

“And I will always love you, Ferga,” Andrew says, lying.

Over the next few weeks, Andrew initiates secret office affairs with Lauren, Jan, Annette, Julia, and Mindy. Each of the five women thinks that she is the only one Andrew is having a secret office affair with. Each of the five women has fallen madly in love with Andrew. Each of the five women incorrectly thinks that Andrew is madly in love with her.

Eventually, Andrew succeeds at manipulating each of the five women into sharing their password with him.

After getting the last password he needed, Andrew goes to one of the corporation’s computers and accesses the document he wants to steal. Using a nearby printer, he begins printing a copy of the document for himself.

At that moment, Lauren, Jan, Annette, Julia, and Mindy appear nearby. They have come from their monthly lunch that they have with each other every month. During that lunch, their conversation shifted to the topic of romance. And then, despite Andrew’s earlier efforts to convince each of the women that it was in their own best interests to keep the secret office affair a secret, one of the women, Julia, couldn’t resist her urge to reveal her secret office affair with Andrew to the other women. Outraged, the other four women then angrily revealed that they also have been having secret office affairs with Andrew. And now all five of the women are standing before Andrew to confront him.

And now the five women see the printed copy of the confidential document, and they realize that Andrew is trying to steal the document, and that he manipulated each of them to get this document.

Sensing trouble, Andrew grabs the printed document and begins running toward the nearest exit. The five angry women begin chasing him. They catch up to him and knock him down onto the hallway floor before he can make it to the exit. The document falls out of his hand. The five angry women form a circle around him. He desperately reaches for the document, but before he can grab them, one of the five women, Lauren, grabs the document. Andrew realizes that his plan has failed. The five angry women proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 35: ESCAPE FROM THE FIVE ANGRY WOMEN

At the moment, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is being pummeled mercilessly by five angry women. This pummeling is taking place in a hallway of an office environment of a very large corporation.

Andrew and the five women pummeling him are all employees of the corporation. The five women’s names are Lauren, Annette, Jan, Mindy, and Julia. Until a few minutes ago, Andrew had been carrying on a secret office affair with each of these women. Until a few minutes ago, each of the five women thought she was the only employee Andrew was having a secret office affair with. Each woman was madly in love with Andrew, and incorrectly believed that Andrew was madly in love with her.

In actuality, Andrew had initiated secret office affairs with each of these women as part of his efforts to steal a certain document from the corporation. The document Andrew was trying to steal contains information that he could use to become rich. However, the document was well-hidden in the corporation’s electronic records. To get this document required knowing multiple computer passwords. Each of the women currently pummeling Andrew had one of the passwords he needed. So he initiated secret office affairs with each of these women to get close to them, close enough to steal their passwords. After stealing their passwords, Andrew used one of the corporation’s computers to access the document he wanted. He began printing the document.

However, the five women had simultaneously found out that Andrew was having secret office affairs with all five of them. The five women went to confront Andrew and caught him printing out the document he intended to steal.

And so, the five women are now pummeling Andrew mercilessly. Andrew has been pummeled many, many times before, but this pummeling is by far the worst. He wants to get as far far away from these five angry women as he possibly can.

Without the printed document in his possession, Andrew manages to crawl through the circle they had formed around him. He is now running away. The five women are running after him.

Now he is running out of the corporation’s office building. The five angry women are still running after him.

Up ahead, Andrew sees a lovely sight that he did not expect to see: a rich, beautiful, single woman named Gloria. Gloria is one of the corporation’s biggest clients. She is outside the corporation’s office building because she had a meeting with the corporation’s C.E.O. earlier today.

Gloria is about to get in the back of her limousine and depart when she notices Andrew running in her direction, being chased by five angry, attractive women.

Not that long ago, Gloria and Andrew were introduced to each other. Andrew, who wants to marry a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money, is very interested in Gloria. On the day he was introduced to her, he asked her out. Her response to him was: “I don’t date losers.”

But now, seeing Andrew being chased by five angry, attractive women is causing Gloria to perceive Andrew differently. Gloria now thinks that Andrew must be a very interesting, very exciting man to evoke such passionate anger in the women chasing him. Gloria is now interested in finding out what Andrew Squervil is all about.

As he is running in her direction, she holds the limousine’s back door open for him and motions for him to get in the limousine. Andrew gets in the limousine. Gloria gets in after him, then closes and locks the limousine’s back door.

Outside the limousine, the five angry women are banging on the limousine’s windows, trying to break them to get to Andrew.

“I had no idea you could evoke such strong feelings in women, Andrew,” Gloria says. “Very interesting indeed. Would you like a glass of wine?”

Andrew realizes that, although he didn’t get the document he wanted from the corporation, he may have inadvertently stumbled into something just as good.

The limousine drives away, much to the anger of the five angry women. Andrew Squervil has escaped.

A few days later, one of the five angry women, Lauren, is sitting at her desk in her office, very upset. Gloria has discontinued her business relationship with the corporation, causing the corporation and its employees much financial uncertainty. Andrew had talked Gloria into discontinuing the business relationship. It was his way of getting revenge on the five angry women who pummeled him mercilessly.

To make matters worse, Lauren saw something equally upsetting in a newspaper earlier today: a public announcement of the engagement of Gloria to Andrew.

The idea that Andrew will get to live happily ever after infuriates Lauren. She wants to somehow get revenge on him, but she doesn’t know how.

Lauren thinks about Gloria, specifically what a shallow, shallow woman she is.

Then Lauren smiles. She’s figured out how she will get revenge on Andrew. She begins to work on her revenge plan.

Elsewhere, Gloria is stroking Andrew’s hair, admiring Andrew, the way one admires a trophy they’ve won. Andrew is smiling, blissfully unaware that, thanks to Lauren, his happiness will soon come to an end.

EPISODE 36: IMPENDING DOOM

On a very exclusive private beach, there is a man named Andrew. He is laying on a very large beach towel. Also laying on the beach towel is a very beautiful rich woman named Gloria. There is a bottle of wine and two wine glasses between them. It is a beautiful day.

Gloria has a membership with this beach. Andrew is her non-rich guest. He is also her fiance.

Gloria opens the bottle of wine and begins pouring wine into the wine glasses. She hands one of the glasses to Andrew and takes the other glass for herself. Andrew and Gloria clink their glasses together, then drink the wine.

Then Andrew and Gloria begin kissing each other. It appears that Andrew is on the verge of finally achieving his goal of marrying a beautiful rich woman for her money. This is a happy time in Andrew’s life.

As Andrew and Gloria are kissing each other, he briefly thinks about his ex-girlfriend Riora, who Andrew cruelly left for Gloria. Now Andrew is thinking about all the women he seduced and manipulated and lied to and stole from to get to this point. He knows he is a charming person, and he used his charm to get what he wanted from those women. He enjoyed his time with some of them, but now they are all becoming a distant memory to him.

Elsewhere on the beach, there are five non-rich women. They are all women who Andrew seduced and manipulated and lied to and stole from. Their names are Lauren, Annette, Julia, Mindy, and Jan. They do not have memberships with this beach. They snuck on to the beach after learning Andrew was there. Unbeknownst to Andrew and Gloria, these five other women are watching Andrew and Gloria from afar with binoculars.

“He looks so happy,” Lauren says. “It almost makes me feel bad about what we’re going to do to him. Almost.”

“It was a great idea to get us all together to work on this revenge plan, Lauren,” Annette says. “There’s no way we would’ve been able to get revenge on Andrew without pooling our resources.”

“Why are we waiting?” Julia says. “Can’t we put our revenge plan into action now? I don’t think I can stand watching him make out with that rich hussy Gloria for a minute longer!”

“Be patient, Julia,” Mindy says. “Let Andrew have his fun for a little while longer. Let Andrew think, for a little while longer, that he’s won. It’ll make our revenge even more delicious.”

“Yes, be patient, Julia,” Jan says. “I know it’s frustrating to see Andrew with Gloria, but just keep in mind: soon, all of this will have been taken away from Andrew; soon, Gloria will want nothing more to do with Andrew.”

Gloria and Andrew have stopped kissing each other. They are now walking off the beach, heading back to Gloria’s mansion.

“They’re leaving,” Lauren says. “Presumably heading back to Gloria’s mansion to finish what they started.”

“Let’s put our revenge plan into motion,” Annette says.

The other four women nod in agreement. Lauren, Annette, Julia, Mindy, and Jan begin following Andrew and Gloria back to Gloria’s mansion.

EPISODE 37: REVENGE OF THE FIVE ANGRY WOMEN

During an evening, in a very upper-class neighborhood, sleazy non-rich person Andrew Squervil and his beautiful, rich fiancee Gloria are having an intimate encounter in the master bedroom of Gloria’s mansion.

Outside of Gloria’s mansion, a large truck quietly parks by the mansion, outside the tall, circular gate that surrounds the mansion. Inside the truck are five women. Their names are Lauren, Jan, Mindy, Julia, and Annette.

“This is Gloria’s mansion,” Lauren, the driver of the truck, says.

“How will we get into the mansion?” Julia says.

“We don’t need to get into the mansion,” Annette says. “Gloria’s in-ground pool is outside the mansion, in its backyard.”

“But it’s still surrounded by the gate,” Julia says.

“Not to worry,” Lauren says. “I’ve got it all worked out. I spoke with the maid who works in the mansion in the evenings. The maid is going to unlock the gate for us. She hates Andrew too, so she’s more than happy to help us with our revenge plan. I’ll call her now.” Lauren picks up her cellular phone and begins dialing a phone number.

Inside Gloria’s mansion, Andrew and Gloria are laying on Gloria’s bed, relaxing.

“You’re amazing, Andrew,” Gloria says.

“You’re amazing too,” Andrew says.

“Just think: in a few days, you and I will be a married couple,” Gloria says, looking at the ultra-expensive engagement ring Andrew bought Gloria with some of Gloria’s money. “It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I thought you were a complete loser and I wanted nothing to do with you.”

“Yes, it’s funny how things change,” Andrew says, drifting off to sleep.

Now he is sleeping. Gloria is also sleeping now, with her head resting on Andrew’s chest, and a satisfied look on her face.

Outside Gloria’s mansion, Gloria’s maid opens the gate. Lauren quietly drives the truck through the gate. Jan opens the back of the truck. The back of the truck contains a gigantic vat of manure. Using a very long hose, Jan and Annette begin to syphon the manure out of the vat and into Gloria’s in-ground pool located in the backyard.

Inside Gloria’s mansion, Gloria and Andrew are both still sleeping.

In the morning, Andrew wakes up on Gloria’s bed, in Gloria’s bedroom. Gloria is standing nearby, wearing a very revealing bathing suit.

“I’m about to have my daily morning swim,” Gloria says. “Join me.”

A few minutes later, Gloria and Andrew walk out of the mansion, into its backyard, where the in-ground pool is.

Much to Gloria’s horror, the pool is full of manure. “What happened to my pool?” Gloria says. “This is disgusting! Who did this?”

Lauren, Jan, Annette, Julia, and Mindy come out from where they were hiding. “We did this,” Lauren says.

“Why?” Gloria says.

“To get revenge on Andrew for seducing us and lying to us and manipulating us and stealing from us,” Mindy says.

Andrew laughs. “Some revenge plan,” he says. “The five of you bimbos are even dumber than I remember. How is filling Gloria’s pool with manure revenge on me?”

“This is how,” Julia says. She pushes Andrew into the pool.

“Andrew!” Gloria says.

Andrew is in the pool, flailing wildly. Every inch of his body is covered in manure. He desperately swims toward the closest edge of the pool, then climbs out. He frantically looks for a towel to clean himself off, but does not see any towels around.

“Andrew!” Gloria says. “You’re covered in manure! You’re disgusting! How could you do this to me?”

“It’s not my fault!” Andrew says. “Julia pushed me into the pool!”

“I can’t get married to you now,” Gloria says.

“What?” Andrew says.

“You’re disgusting!” Gloria says. “You’re covered in manure!”

“But I’ll clean it off me!” Andrew says.

“It doesn’t matter!” Gloria says. “Whenever I look at you now, I’ll always have this disgusting image of you covered in manure in my mind! You blew it, Andrew. I want you to get off my property immediately. I do not want to ever see you again.”

Gloria goes back into her mansion, then locks the doors to the mansion’s backyard.

Andrew is standing in stunned silence.

“We knew how shallow Gloria is,” Lauren says, speaking to Andrew. “We knew that as soon as she saw you covered in manure, she would want nothing more to do with you.”

Andrew wipes some manure off his face. He flings it at Lauren. It misses its target.

Lauren, Jan, Mindy, Julia, and Annette begin running away. Andrew begins chasing after them, off of Gloria’s property. Realizing he can’t catch up to them, he stops running.

A few hours later, Lauren, Jan, Mindy, Julia, and Annette are in Annette’s apartment, celebrating the cancellation of Andrew and Gloria’s wedding.

EPISODE 38: RETURNED SUITCASE

At the moment, Andrew Squervil, who has once again failed to marry a rich woman for her money, is standing outside the mansion of his most recent failed conquest, a beautiful rich woman named Gloria. Gloria and Andrew were engaged. Earlier today, Gloria called off the wedding. Now, she wants nothing to do with Andrew.

Surrounding the mansion is a tall, locked, circular gate, which Andrew is on the outside of. He has been standing there for a long time.

“Gloria!” Andrew says, his face between two of the gate’s cold, impenetrable steel bars. “Gloria! Please take me back! Please take me back! Gloria!”

Andrew sees the front door of Gloria’s mansion being opened. For a millisecond, Andrew is optimistic. Then he realizes that the person who opened the door is not Gloria, but rather one of her many maids: an attractive woman named Lethelia. Lethelia is walking toward Andrew, carrying a suitcase that belongs to Andrew. Andrew brought the suitcase to Gloria’s mansion when he moved in there. At the time, the suitcase contained his belongings. He suspects that it once again contains his belongings, now that Gloria wants nothing to do with him.

“Here are your belongings,” Lethelia says. She tosses the suitcase over the gate, to the side Andrew is on. Andrew catches the suitcase.

“Gloria instructed me to destroy all your things, but I figured I should return them to you instead,” Lethelia says. Unlike Gloria’s other maids, Lethelia doesn’t despise Andrew. In fact, in the short time that Lethelia has known Andrew, she has become infatuated with him. Andrew is aware of this infatuation and was planning to discreetly take advantage of it after getting married to Gloria.

“You’ve got to help me get her back, Lethelia,” Andrew says.

“It’s over, Andrew,” Lethelia says. “Gloria has already moved on. She has a date with a very handsome man tonight.”

“But it’s only been a few hours since she broke up with me!” Andrew says.

Lethelia shrugs. “Gloria is a hussy,” Lethelia says. “You know that. Men are like candy to her. And candy can be easily replaced by other candy.”

“I was so close,” Andrew says, speaking to himself, not Lethelia. “So close.”

It wasn’t the first time Andrew failed to marry a beautiful rich woman for her money. And it won’t be the last. Unbeknownst to Andrew, there are many, many more failures to come. His misery has barely begun.

EPISODE 39: RETURN TO KOILA

Formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is unsatisfied with his life. Currently, Andrew is unemployed and living in the apartment of his current girlfriend, Lethelia. Being unemployed doesn’t bother Andrew, as he finds the very idea of him working repulsive and offensive. And he finds Lethelia very attractive. But Andrew is unsatisfied nevertheless. He used to be rich. He misses being rich. He misses the mansion he used to live in. He misses the various other assets he used to have. He wants to regain his wealthy status.

Since being stripped of his wealthy status as a result of a lawsuit against him, Andrew has made many, many attempts to regain his wealthy status. All of the attempts ended badly for Andrew, some very badly. Andrew, who was born into a life of luxury, is only now beginning to realize how difficult it is to become rich.

Today, while Lethelia is away at work, Andrew is sitting on a couch in her apartment, watching television and feeling sorry for himself. He thinks about Koila, the beautiful woman who successfully sued him for his fortune. He wonders what his life would be like right now if he never met Koila. He thinks that he would most likely still be rich and still be living in a mansion. Now, thanks to the lawsuit, Koila is rich instead, and most likely enjoying all sorts of luxuries that were not accessible to her before the conclusion of the lawsuit.

Some time before the lawsuit, Andrew tricked Koila into falling in love with him. He had done this because he was trying to seduce her, and he knew that she would be more susceptible to him if she was in love with him. After getting what he wanted from her, he cruelly ended their relationship, revealing to her what a horrible person he really is.

Then Koila enacted a lawsuit against Andrew for financial compensation for the emotional distress he had allegedly caused her. Inexplicably, she won her lawsuit, becoming rich and making Andrew non-rich. To make matters worse for Andrew, he had had to sell his mansion and his other assets to have enough money to pay Koila the full amount of money the court had ordered him to pay.

Suddenly, an idea formulates in Andrew’s mind, an idea that never occurred to him before. He is thinking that, given that he once tricked Koila into falling in love with him, it is certainly possible that he could accomplish that again; that he could marry Koila for her money, the money that used to be his. Sure, like most of Andrew’s other former female companions, Koila hates Andrew now, but Andrew firmly believes that hate can easily be turned into love.

With a renewed determination, Andrew gets up from Lethelia’s couch to begin putting his plan into motion. Using Lethelia’s computer, he proceeds to do some computer research to find out anything about Koila that might aid him in his quest.

From his research, he learns something quite shocking: Koila’s current address. It is the address of the mansion Andrew used to live in before he was stripped of his wealthy status. For some reason, this infuriates Andrew.

From Andrew’s research, he also learns Koila’s current phone number. Using Lethelia’s phone, he places a call to Koila.

Koila answers her phone. “Hello?” she says.

“Koila, it’s Andrew Squervil,” Andrew says, trying to sound sad and desperate.

“What do you want?” Koila says in a tone that makes it clear she still despises Andrew.

“I need to meet with you,” Andrew says. “Can we meet somewhere?”

After a brief pause, Koila says: “Why do you want to meet?”

“I… I… I just need to talk with you,” Andrew says, trying to sound like an anguished, lovelorn fool overwhelmed with emotions. “And I think it would be better if we spoke in person.”

Andrew, who is physically attractive, knows Koila will be more susceptible to his charm if they meet face-to-face. Over the years, his physical attractiveness has enabled him to seduce many, many beautiful women.

“Okay… I guess,” Koila says, sounding reluctant and disinterested, though Andrew is certain that she is intrigued by his request to meet with her.

An hour later, Andrew meets Koila at a coffee shop. Andrew buys her and himself cups of coffee. They sit at a table.

“So what do you want?” Koila says, glaring at him.

“I… just want to apologize to you… for the emotional distress that I caused you,” Andrew says.

Andrew sees Koila’s eyes soften for a millisecond, betraying her inner feelings. He knows his plan is working, even though she is now glaring at him again, trying to appear unmoved.

“I’m not giving you the money back,” Koila says.

“I don’t want the money back,” Andrew says. “Being rich made me a horrible person. I would never want the money back. Losing all that money changed me. I gained a new perspective on life. I now realize how horrible I was, not just to you, but to all the women I seduced when I was rich. I now realize the error of my ways. I wish I could go back and undo all the emotional distress I caused you and those other women. I wish I could have actually been the ideal mate I was only pretending to be to complete my seduction of you. I wish I had gotten married to you and spent the rest of my life with you, in a committed, monogamous relationship. But I can’t go back and undo all my mistakes. All I can do is make you know how sorry I am and hope for your forgiveness.”

Later, in a nearby hotel room, Andrew completes his seduction of Koila.

Afterwards, they are laying on the hotel room’s bed.

Koila is grinning.

“What’s so funny?” Andrew says, trying to sound like a caring, loving boyfriend in a moment of playfulness.

“I have to tell you something,” Koila says.

“What?” Andrew says.

“I live in the mansion you used to live in,” Koila says.

“You do?” Andrew says, acting surprised and amused.

“Yes,” Koila says.

“Why?” Andrew says.

“I was doing it to spite you,” Koila says. “I hated you so much. After the lawsuit, I still had a desire to make you suffer. Taking your wealth away from you wasn’t enough. I wanted more. So I bought the mansion from the people you sold it to. I hoped that you would eventually find out about it, and that it would make you angry.”

“It probably would have, if I hadn’t become a better person,” Andrew says. “Now, I just find it funny. Ironic even.”

“Yes, it is ironic, isn’t it?” Koila says.

“You deserve the mansion, Koila,” Andrew says. “You deserve all the happiness in the world after how horribly I treated you. I hope you’re enjoying your mansion.”

“It doesn’t have to be just my mansion, Andrew,” Koila says. “It can be our mansion… if you want it to be.”

“Really?” Andrew says, sensing victory.

“Yes,” Koila says. “If you want it.”

“I want us, Koila,” Andrew says. “You and me. Together. Married. Will you marry me, Koila?”

“Yes!” Koila says. “Yes, Andrew! Oh yes! That’s all I’ve ever wanted from you!”

“I love you, Koila!” Andrew says.

“I love you, Andrew!” Koila says.

“Let’s get married today!” Andrew says.

“Today?” Koila says.

“Yes!” Andrew says. “I don’t want to deny ourselves the joy of marital bliss any longer!”

“Oh Andrew, that sounds lovely, but I really think we should wait a little,” Koila says.

“Oh,” Andrew says, trying to not appear annoyed and disappointed. “What for?”

“Well, I’d really like to have a proper wedding ceremony: a huge, extravagant event with all my friends and family in attendance,” Koila says. “And that would probably take several months to plan.”

“Oh,” Andrew says.

“You don’t mind, do you?” Koila says.

“No, of course not,” Andrew says, lying. “I just want to make you happy. And if that means having to wait several months to get married to you, then so be it.”

“Oh Andrew, you’re so wonderful,” Koila says. “Of course, just because we won’t get married until several months from now doesn’t mean we can’t start living like a married couple. I would love it if you moved into the mansion today.”

“Really?” Andrew says.

“Really!” Koila says.

Later that day, Andrew returns to Lethelia’s apartment to collect his belongings to take to Koila’s mansion. Lethelia is still away at work. After collecting his belongings, Andrew writes Lethelia a very cruel goodbye note, then leaves it on a table for her to find after she returns to her apartment. Then he leaves.

Later, Andrew arrives at Koila’s mansion. Much to Andrew’s surprise, Koila is not the only woman there. There is another woman there. She is very beautiful and is dressed like a maid.

“Andrew, this is my maid Tresella,” Koila says.

“Hello, Andrew,” Tresella says.

“Hello,” Andrew says, taking in Tresella’s beauty.

“Tresella is a live-in maid,” Koila says. “She’s available to us at all times.”

“At all times?” Andrew says.

“At all times,” Koila says.

“If there’s anything you want me to do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask,” Tresella says, speaking to Andrew.

Andrew is worried. He wants Tresella, but he doesn’t want to do anything that might mess up his plan to become rich by marrying Koila.

Andrew knows that it would not be difficult for him to seduce Tresella. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

However, he has learned one thing that he is not good at is carrying on secret affairs without getting caught. He recalls how some of his previous attempts to marry a rich woman for her money ended badly for him after the rich woman he was trying to marry found out he had cheated on her with some other woman or women.

Andrew knows that it is not in his best interests to initiate a secret affair with Tresella, at least not before the wedding, before Andrew becomes legally entitled to Koila’s money, a huge portion of which Andrew will likely get to keep if he and Koila ever get divorced. He is determined to not potentially ruin his chance with Koila by getting involved with Tresella before the wedding. He knows that it will be difficult to continuously resist the urge to seduce Tresella between today and the far-off, to-be-determined wedding day, but Andrew is confident that he will not falter.

Now, in the mansion, Andrew and Koila are on a couch in the living room, kissing each other. While Andrew is kissing Koila, he opens one of his eyes to sneak a look at Tresella, who is nearby, dusting a lampshade.

Tresella sees Andrew looking at her. She smiles at Andrew. Then she winks at him.

And with that, Andrew is doomed.

EPISODE 40: THE STRINELLA TRAP

At the moment, non-rich person Andrew Squervil is carrying on a secret affair with his rich fiancee’s maid Tresella in the master bedroom of his fiancee’s mansion while his fiancee is away with her friends, shopping for the perfect wedding dress. This affair between Andrew and the maid has been going on for quite some time now.

Andrew and Tresella are on his fiancee’s bed, having what they think is a private encounter between them. However, unbeknownst to them, the curtain covering the bedroom’s window is ajar.

Nearby, there is a blue mansion, one of the many mansions that are located in this upper-class neighborhood that Andrew’s fiancee lives in. In this blue mansion, its owner is standing by a window. The owner is a woman named Strinella. She is fairly new to the neighborhood. She is very rich and very divorced.

The window that Strinella is standing by faces the mansion of Andrew’s fiancee, the side of the mansion that the master bedroom is on. At the moment, Strinella is looking through a very dainty, ultra-expensive pair of binoculars, watching Andrew carry on his affair with his fiancee’s maid.

Were it not for the window curtain in Andrew’s fiancee’s bedroom being ajar, Strinella would have never found out about the affair. Were it not for the ajar window curtain, Andrew would have lived happily ever after, with permanent access to and ownership of his fiancee’s wealth. But now, instead, Andrew has unknowingly fallen into Strinella’s trap.

A few days ago, Strinella attended a party that Andrew’s fiancee was having at her mansion. All of the neighborhood’s residents had been invited to this party. During this party, Andrew’s fiancee introduced Andrew and Strinella to each other. Upon seeing Andrew for the first time, Strinella wanted him badly, and became determined to do whatever it took to make him hers.

Ironically, or perhaps not so ironically, upon meeting Strinella, Andrew found her quite unattractive. There had been numerous times in Andrew’s past in which he had had intimate encounters with women he found unattractive in order to achieve ulterior motives. Seeing Strinella made Andrew glad that those days were apparently behind him now.

But Andrew was wrong.

As Strinella watches Andrew carrying on his secret affair, she can tell he is quite happy, and she knows that, in order for her to get what she wants, she will have to do things that will take away Andrew’s happiness. But Andrew’s happiness is of no concern to Strinella.

Strinella grins to herself, amused by the thought that Andrew is completely unaware that he will soon lose both his beautiful fiancee and her equally beautiful maid, and will become Strinella’s personal plaything.

“You’re mine, Andrew Squervil,” Strinella says.

EPISODE 41: A DISGUSTING PROPOSITION

In the morning, non-rich person Andrew Squervil wakes up in the master bedroom of his rich, beautiful fiancee’s mansion. Andrew is laying on his fiancee’s very large, very comfortable bed.

His fiancee Koila isn’t on the bed with him as she has already woken up and is downstairs, having breakfast in the mansion’s dining room. Andrew gets up and joins Koila in the dining room. He notices that Koila’s beautiful live-in maid Tresella is nearby, dusting a teapot.

Andrew and Koila kiss each other. “Last night was wonderful, Andrew,” Koila says.

“Yes,” Andrew says. “It was.”

Tresella, who is out of Koila’s view, smiles at Andrew knowingly. Then Tresella winks at him. Then she blows him a kiss.

Andrew’s relationship with Koila is going well. His secret affair with Tresella is also going well.

Unfortunately for Andrew, a woman named Strinella is approaching the mansion. She is carrying an envelope with only Koila’s name written on it. Strinella places the envelope in Koila’s mailbox. Then Strinella returns to her own mansion.

Later, Koila’s maid Tresella brings in Koila’s mail and gives it to Koila. Koila opens the envelope and takes out its content, which is a photograph of Koila’s bedroom. Whoever took the photograph was standing somewhere outside the mansion, aiming their camera at the bedroom’s window. In the photograph, Andrew and Tresella are carrying on their affair on Koila’s bed.

Seeing the photograph enrages Koila. She cancels her engagement to Andrew and dumps him and fires Tresella and evicts both of them from the mansion.

Outside the mansion, Tresella punches Andrew in the face. “You jerk!” she says. “This is all your fault! You said we wouldn’t get caught! You said we had nothing to worry about! I hate you, Andrew! I don’t want to ever see you again!” Tresella storms off.

Andrew, who is nearly broke and now in need of an inexpensive place to stay at, begins walking across the street, toward Strinella’s mansion.

Strinella and Koila live in the same upper-class neighborhood. A few days ago, Koila was having a party at her mansion. Koila has such parties at her mansion several times a month. All of the neighborhood’s residents, including Strinella, had been invited to this party. Strinella was in attendance. Andrew, who was still engaged to Koila and still living in her mansion at the time, was also in attendance.

It was during this party that Strinella approached Andrew and, with no one else close enough to overhear her, said to him: “I know about you and Koila’s maid. I saw the two of you carrying on your affair from my window. I know you don’t really love Koila and you just want to marry her for her money. I know what a horrible person you really are, Andrew Squervil. But don’t worry, Andrew: I won’t reveal your infidelity to Koila.”

“You won’t?” Andrew said.

“I won’t,” Strinella said, lying. “But I want you to know that I’m madly attracted to you. You’ve awakened lustful feelings in me that I haven’t had since before my divorce. And I want you to know that if things don’t work out between you and Koila, there is a place for you in my mansion. Not as a husband, of course. I know better than to get married to a sleazy, gold-digging loser like you. But I would be more than willing to have you living in my mansion as my personal plaything.”

The thought of being Strinella’s personal plaything made Andrew want to cringe. He found her quite repulsive and would have very much enjoyed telling her so. But he didn’t want to say anything that might make her vengeful toward him, as she knew about his affair with Tresella. So Andrew simply said: “I’ll keep that offer in mind, Strinella.”

Andrew thought that was the end of the matter. But it wasn’t, as he now realizes.

And now he is at the front of Strinella’s mansion, ringing its doorbell. Strinella answers the door after only one ring. She is wearing negligee that makes her look even more repulsive to Andrew.

“Hello, Andrew,” Strinella says. “I’ve been waiting for you. I take it things didn’t work out between you and Koila.”

“You sent Koila that photograph,” Andrew says.

“Perhaps I did,” Strinella says, running one of her fingers across Andrew’s chest.

“You said you weren’t going to tell her,” Andrew says.

“I lied,” Strinella says.

“Why?” Andrew says.

“For my own amusement,” Strinella says. “You looked so cute when you thought I wouldn’t tell Koila about you and the maid. It’s so cute that you thought I would allow you to get married to Koila and live happily ever after. Oh, don’t look so morally outraged, Andrew. You’re really in no position to do so. Now, I take it you didn’t come here just to accuse me of ruining your life. Why don’t you come inside so we can begin our new living arrangement?”

Andrew gulps. In his mind, he considers his other options. He knows that he could use a small portion of what’s left of his savings to rent a crummy apartment. And he knows that he could then get some menial, unsatisfying job that would allow him to continue living in said crummy apartment for the foreseeable future. But that is not a real option for Andrew Squervil. The idea of him working for a living has always repulsed and offended him. Unfortunately for Andrew, of all of his current options that don’t involve getting a job, Strinella seems to be the least undesirable option to him.

Andrew enters Strinella’s mansion, feeling very, very sorry for himself. As Andrew is following Strinella to her bedroom, he notices that all of the windows in her mansion have steel bars on them. He thinks that the bars are quite symbolically appropriate, given his current circumstances.

EPISODE 42: YEARNING

In the mansion of a rich woman named Strinella, a sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil is looking out a window. Andrew is Strinella’s current plaything. Strinella is letting Andrew live in her mansion indefinitely and rent-free. This living arrangement would be ideal for Andrew if not for the fact that he finds Strinella thoroughly repulsive. He hates every moment that he is with her. And unfortunately for Andrew, Strinella has an insatiable appetite for him.

Andrew, who is currently experiencing a very brief respite from Strinella, is looking out a window, at another mansion nearby. This other mansion belongs to Andrew’s beautiful, rich ex-girlfriend Koila. Andrew used to live with Koila in her mansion when they were still a couple. Andrew almost succeeded at marrying Koila for her money. They were engaged and even had a wedding date planned. But the engagement and their relationship and the living arrangement all came to an end after Koila learned that Andrew was cheating on her with Koila’s beautiful live-in maid Tresella. Koila dumped Andrew and fired Tresella and evicted them both from the mansion.

And now Andrew is living with Strinella, his former neighbor. In this living situation, he is miserable all of the time, but he does not leave, as he feels that it is the least undesirable living situation currently available to him.

From his vantage point, Andrew sees Koila stepping out of her outdoor, inground pool. She is wearing a very revealing bikini. Andrew misses that pool and Koila’s body and Koila’s mansion in general. He wants to go back to it all so badly.

Koila’s maid Tresella hands Koila a towel so she can dry herself off. Koila has apparently forgiven and rehired Tresella.

Andrew briefly wonders if there is a chance Koila would forgive him again and take him back again. But then he sighs sadly, knowing he’s used up all his chances with Koila.

Andrew hears a loud bell being rung in Strinella’s mansion. The bell is in Strinella’s bedroom. Strinella rings the bell whenever she wants Andrew to join her there. Andrew hates that bell so much.

Andrew joins Strinella in her bedroom. He tries to imagine that Strinella is Koila or Tresella, but he can’t make it happen.

EPISODE 43: THE BLUE CAR

Today, in a tiny bedroom that is part of the mansion of a divorced rich woman named Strinella, a sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil is packing his belongings into a suitcase.

Strinella enters the tiny bedroom, where she has been allowing Andrew to sleep at night. The sight of Strinella disgusts Andrew, as it always has.

Strinella sees Andrew packing the suitcase. “Why didn’t you join me in my bedroom, Andrew?” Strinella says. “I rang the bell. Didn’t you hear it?”

“What am I, a dog?” Andrew says. “Any time you ring that bell, I’m supposed to come running to you to satisfy your needs?”

“Yes,” Strinella says. “That was the idea.”

“I’m sick of that bell and I’m sick of you,” Andrew says. “I’m leaving.”

Strinella laughs cruelly. “You can’t be serious,” she says.

“I am,” Andrew says.

“Where will you go, some other mansion?” Strinella says sarcastically.

“I’ll figure something out,” Andrew says.

“Face it, Andrew: this is the best living situation available to you,” Strinella says. “You’ve exhausted all your other options. This is the only nice place left where you can live rent-free.”

“It may not cost me any money to live here, but I’ve been paying a price,” Andrew says. “A horrible, horrible price, multiple times a day.”

“Can I help it if I can’t get enough of you?” Strinella says. “It’s your own fault for being so irresistible.”

“If you like me so much, why won’t you get married to me?” Andrew says.

Strinella laughs again, her laugh even crueller this time. “Oh Andrew, how foolish do you think I am?” Strinella says. “I know what you’re all about. I know you only want to marry me to gain access to my money. I know that, if that were to happen, you would stop making yourself available to me. With the way things are now, I can have you whenever I desire you. Why would I give that up?”

“Well I’m done being your plaything,” Andrew says.

He finishes packing the suitcase. He exits the tiny bedroom, then walks down a hallway. He then begins walking down a long staircase leading to a doorway out of Strinella’s mansion.

As Andrew gets closer and closer to the doorway, he feels a sense of empowerment he has never felt before.

Strinella is now standing at the top of the staircase. “Come with me to my bedroom right now, Andrew!” she says.

“No,” Andrew says, almost at the doorway, almost free of Strinella.

“I’ll let you drive my car!” Strinella says.

Andrew stops. “What?” he says.

“You heard me,” Strinella says.

Andrew slowly turns around. “Which car?” he says.

“The blue car,” Strinella says. “I’ll let you drive it for one hour every day.”

In his mind, Andrew is seeing Strinella’s ultra-expensive, ultra-sleek blue car. He has been wanting to drive that car since the day he moved into Strinella’s mansion.

“Make your choice, Andrew: your dignity or the opportunity to drive my blue car every day,” Strinella says.

A few hours later, Andrew is driving Strinella’s blue car through a neighborhood. He is enjoying himself, enjoying the feeling of high status, enjoying the envious looks of people on the street, people who will never, ever get to drive a car this expensive.

Then Andrew’s cellular phone starts ringing. Andrew stops the car, then answers the phone. “Hello?” he says.

Through the phone, Andrew hears the sound of Strinella ringing her bell.

Feeling defeated, Andrew ends the phone call, then begins driving back to Strinella’s mansion.

EPISODE 44: AN OFFERING

Today, an attractive woman named Julia is walking toward a mansion that belongs to a rich divorced woman named Strinella. At the mansion, Julia knocks on its front door.

Strinella opens the door. She is wearing a garish, multicolored robe. Moments ago, she was upstairs in her bedroom with her current plaything, a sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil.

“Yes?” Strinella says, annoyed by the disturbance, and annoyed by Julia’s attractiveness.

“Hello,” Julia says. “I’m here to see Andrew.”

“Who are you?” Strinella says, suspicious.

“I’m his sister,” Julia says, lying.

“I didn’t know Andrew had a sister,” Strinella says, still suspicious. “Andrew’s never mentioned you.”

“We’re estranged,” Julia says, lying again. “So can I see him? I’ve come a long way and spent a lot of time and money trying to track him down. I want to reconcile with him.”

“Okay,” Strinella says. “Andrew! Come down here!”

Andrew comes out of Strinella’s bedroom, wearing the same type of robe as Strinella’s. He walks down the long staircase, to Strinella.

Andrew is very surprised to see Julia standing at the door.

“She says she’s your sister,” Strinella says. “Is she really?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, not yet sure whether he has any reason to go along with Julia’s lie. “Yes, she’s my sister. Hello, Julia.”

“Hello, Andrew,” Julia says. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yes, it has,” Andrew says. To Strinella, Andrew says: “Can you give us a few minutes alone?”

“Of course,” Strinella says, very suspicious. “Just a few minutes.” She goes into another room in the mansion, far away from Andrew and Julia.

Andrew glares at Julia, who is looking sad and apologetic.

“What do you want?” Andrew says.

“I came here to apologize,” Julia says.

“You’re not fooling me,” Andrew says. “I know you’re up to something.”

“I’m not up to anything, Andrew,” Julia says. “I’m still madly in love with you! I tried to convince myself otherwise, but I can’t lie to myself anymore! I love you!”

“You pushed me into manure!” Andrew says. “You ruined my chance to marry a rich, beautiful woman for her money! I could have become rich! But now, because of you, I’m nothing more than an ugly woman’s plaything. She won’t even let me swim in her inground pool! And I have to let her do all kinds of horrible things to me on a daily basis just to be allowed to drive her car! Do you have any idea where my mouth has been? You’ve ruined my life, Julia!”

“I know,” Julia says. “And I know that you’re a horrible person, and I know that you seduced me and pretended to fall in love with me just to get access to information I have access to, but I am still madly, hopelessly in love with you! Please forgive me and please love me!”

Andrew begins to close the door.

“Wait!” Julia says. “I have something for you.”

Andrew keeps the door open. “What do you have for me?” he says.

Julia takes a manila envelope out of her purse. “This,” she says, holding the envelope out to Andrew.

Andrew grabs it. “What is it?” he says.

“The document containing the information you tried to steal from me,” Julia says. “I’m giving it to you.”

Andrew rips open the envelope. He begins examining the document that was in the envelope. “Are you serious?” Andrew says. “Is this for real?”

“It’s real, Andrew,” Julia says.

Andrew is looking at Julia, searching for any hint of deception in her eyes. “Why are you doing this?” Andrew says.

“I told you, I’m still in love with you, Andrew,” Julia says. “I’m hoping you’ll realize that what we had was special. I’m hoping you’ll realize I’m your soul mate. I’m hoping you’ll abandon your quest relating to that document. I’m hoping you’ll throw away that document and come live with me instead, in a committed, monogamous relationship. So… what do you think?”

Andrew closes the door on Julia, then continues reviewing the document. With this document, he could become rich and not have to continue being Strinella’s plaything. Andrew sneers, unaware that he is now back on a path that will ultimately lead to him being miserable for a very, very, very long time.

EPISODE 45: A SURPRISE

A sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil is on a journey.

Andrew has had many, many misadventures, most of which in some way revolved around his goal to become rich. These misadventures always ended badly for Andrew and collectively caused him much suffering, including but not limited to: public humiliation; intimate encounters with women he didn’t find attractive; merciless beatings; imprisonments; and being stranded at sea.

After a misadventure that resulted in Andrew getting stranded at sea, he ended up on an island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. The existence of the island is a well-kept secret, unknown to most people throughout the world. The island’s location does not appear on any maps. The island is a wonderful, wonderful place that all of its residents cherish.

The island is ruled by a queen. She is the sole ruler of the island. She lives in a mansion in the center of the island. She is very rich. She is not married.

During Andrew’s time on the island, Andrew got the opportunity to meet with the queen. He thought she was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her beauty and her massive wealth made Andrew very much interested in her.

During Andrew’s meeting with the queen, Andrew got along quite well with her. She found him charming and attractive. She invited him to a dinner party.

Andrew, of course, accepted the invitation. He intended to seduce the queen and subsequently con her into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth and becoming co-ruler of the island.

However, Andrew never got the chance to do that. Shortly after his first meeting with the queen, a woman named Callandra tricked Andrew into drinking a beverage containing a very rare potion. The potion caused him to become unconscious for a very, very long period of time. Callandra is very much in love with the queen. Callandra saw Andrew as a very significant threat to her romantic intentions with the queen. So, while Andrew was unconscious, Callandra arranged for Andrew to be delivered back to his native land. When Andrew regained consciousness, he was back in his native land with no idea how to get back to the island.

Andrew was very angry about being cheated out of his chance at happiness. He vowed to himself that he would someday, somehow get back to the island.

Andrew did not give up on this goal. He went to great lengths to get the information he needed to get back to the island. His efforts included, among other things: hiring a private investigator; seducing a woman he found unattractive; getting a job, even though he has a strong distaste for employment; seducing another woman he found unattractive; and deceiving many, many people.

Andrew considers all of his efforts worthwhile, even the ones that caused him to suffer. He has obtained instructions on how to get back to the island and is now on his way back there. He is looking forward to reuniting with the queen, fondly remembering her shapely body and her wealth. He is certain that he will soon be back on the island and having his first intimate encounter with the most beautiful woman who ever existed.

After quite some time, Andrew completes his journey to the island. “I’m back!” he says. “I’m back!”

Not wanting to waste any time celebrating, Andrew immediately heads toward the queen’s mansion. He is let into the mansion by one of the queen’s many, many attractive maids.

Andrew is convinced that his days of being miserable have come to a permanent end.

Then the maid leads Andrew into the mansion’s parlor, where the queen currently is. And Andrew is horrified by what he sees: the queen, since the last time Andrew saw her, has become very, very, very fat. Andrew no longer thinks she is the most beautiful woman. Andrew doesn’t even find her attractive now. In fact, he finds her quite repulsive.

Upon seeing Andrew, the queen squeals in delight. “Andrew!” she says. “You’ve come back to me!”

And now the queen is coming toward Andrew, her fat arms outstretched, eager to embrace him. Andrew doesn’t yet know whether he will flee from the mansion or continue with his plan to marry the queen for her money. But he does know one thing: his days of being miserable are not over.

EPISODE 46: AN ENGAGEMENT

In an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, there is an island. The island has a queen. She is a very rich, very fat, single woman. She is the sole ruler of the island. Her name is Eternia. She was named after a beautiful goddess from a short story.

Eternia lives in a mansion in the center of the island. Tonight, in the master bedroom of her mansion, Eternia is laying on her gigantic pink bed. Laying next to her on the bed is a sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil. Moments ago, Andrew completed his seduction of the queen.

“That was wonderful, Andrew,” Eternia says.

“Yes, I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says, lying. In actuality, he found the experience quite unpleasant.

Looking at the queen’s increasingly fat body, Andrew wonders if he should abandon his plan to become rich by marrying the queen, thereby gaining access to her wealth. He wonders if being rich is really worth being with a woman he finds utterly repulsive.

He decides that it is. “I know we don’t know each other very well, but will you marry me?” Andrew says.

Eternia is ecstatic. “Yes!” she says. “Yes, Andrew, yes! Let’s get married tomorrow! It will be a fabulous wedding!”

She presses her fat face against Andrew’s face, kissing Andrew passionately. Andrew is looking around the bedroom, trying to focus on anything that might distract him from the queen’s insatiable mouth.

Later during the night, Eternia, who has been sleeping, wakes up. She has a craving for chocolate, and a craving for Andrew. She is surprised to find that Andrew is not next to her on the bed. She wonders where he is. She gets out of the bed, then exits the bedroom to find Andrew, and chocolate.

While walking through the mansion, Eternia hears noises coming from the parlor. She goes to the parlor to investigate.

Much to her surprise, Eternia finds Andrew there, kissing one of her many attractive live-in maids. Eternia screams, enraged.

Realizing he has been caught, Andrew pulls away from the maid. As Eternia is approaching Andrew with her fat hands formed into clenched fists, Andrew tries to think of some lie he could say that might somehow explain away his infidelity. But he can’t.

And now Andrew is pinned down to the floor by Eternia, who is on top of Andrew, pummeling him mercilessly. As Eternia smashes her fat fists into Andrew’s face repeatedly, Andrew realizes that his chances of marrying the queen have become non-existent.

EPISODE 47: RETURN TO STRINELLA

During a morning, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is walking toward the mansion of a rich, divorced woman named Strinella. Andrew, who is not rich, used to live in Strinella’s mansion as Strinella’s plaything. This would have been an enjoyable living arrangement for Andrew if not for the fact that he does not find Strinella attractive at all. Living with Strinella was one of the most unpleasant experiences of his life. And now he is returning there.

A few hours earlier, Andrew returned to his native land, where Strinella’s mansion is located. Prior to that, he was living on an island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world.

On that island is a rich, single woman named Eternia. Eternia is the island’s queen and sole ruler. She lives in a mansion in the center of the island.

Andrew had moved out of Strinella’s mansion and traveled to the island for the purpose of seducing the island’s queen and subsequently marrying her for her money.

It didn’t work out exactly as Andrew had planned. He did succeed at seducing the queen, and she did subsequently accept his marriage proposal. However, some time before the wedding was to occur, the queen caught Andrew cheating on her with of her attractive maids. The queen was furious. She pummeled Andrew mercilessly, then subjected him to a punishment that caused him to be miserable for a very, very, very long time.

Though the punishment seemed to be endless, it did in fact come to an end when Andrew escaped from the queen and her island.

And now Andrew is back in his native land, eager to put all that unpleasantness behind him and resume his pursuit of his goal of becoming rich. As before, Andrew intends to achieve this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth.

Unfortunately for Andrew, he is in need of an inexpensive place to stay. More unfortunately for Andrew, he feels that Strinella’s mansion is the least undesirable living option currently available to him, despite the fact the he finds Strinella repulsive and has hated every moment that he was with her.

Outside of Strinella’s mansion, Andrew knocks on the mansion’s front door. Strinella opens the door. She is wearing one of her many garish, multicolored robes. Andrew has come to dislike those robes almost as much as he dislikes Strinella.

Seeing Andrew, Strinella is smiling cruelly. “Well, well, well, look who it is,” Strinella says. “Andrew Squervil. What a delicious surprise. What happened? I thought you said you were leaving me to marry a rich, beautiful woman on an island. Isn’t that what you told me?”

Andrew wants to spit on Strinella’s face so badly. “It didn’t work out,” he says.

“What a shock,” Strinella says. “So I guess you’re back now?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, bitterly.

“Wonderful!” Strinella says. “Though I should advise you, things aren’t going to be exactly like they were before. You may no longer drive my blue car. You’ve lost that privilege.”

This news saddens Andrew. He loved driving Strinella’s ultra-expensive, ultra-sleek blue car, enjoying the feeling of high status, enjoying the envious looks of people on the street, people who would never, ever get to drive a car that expensive. For Andrew, getting to drive that car was one small bit of light in a sea of darkness.

To make matters worse for Andrew, he knows that Strinella will never let him marry her for her money. That would take away all the power she currently holds over him.

“Come with me, Andrew,” Strinella says.

Feeling more defeated than ever before, Andrew enters Strinella’s mansion, then follows Strinella to her bedroom.

EPISODE 48: EXCLUSION

During an afternoon, in the mansion of a rich, divorced woman named Strinella, Strinella is in her bedroom, getting ready for an exclusive party that will be occurring in her mansion in the evening. Strinella has this party in her mansion every year. Many, many rich people will be attending the party tonight.

Elsewhere in the mansion, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is also getting ready for the party. Andrew, who is not rich, is currently living in the mansion as Strinella’s plaything. Andrew would very much enjoy this living situation if not for the fact that he finds Strinella utterly repulsive. Andrew continues to subject himself to this misery-inducing living situation only because he feels that it is the least undesirable living option currently available to him.

Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Though Andrew would prefer that the rich woman be beautiful, he would even be willing to marry a rich woman he found unattractive, like Strinella, to accomplish his goal. Unfortunately for Andrew, Strinella has made it clear to him that she will never let him marry her for her money. She knows that doing that would take away all the power she currently holds over him.

Despite his current misery-inducing living situation, Andrew is in a good mood at the moment. He perceives Strinella’s party as an opportunity to meet rich, beautiful, single women who he could potentially con into marriage. For that reason, Andrew has been looking forward to Strinella’s party for weeks.

A very tall, very muscular woman who looks like a bodybuilder enters the room that Andrew is in. Her name is Thona. Thona is Strinella’s new personal assistant. Though Thona and Andrew have only known each other for a few days, they already dislike each other intensely. Thona dislikes Andrew because she thinks he is a sleazy womanizer. Andrew dislikes Thona because he dislikes all women who he does not find attractive.

Thona has a knowing smirk on her face. “So I suppose you’re not going to be living here much longer,” Thona says.

“What do you mean?” Andrew says.

“Oh, you didn’t hear the news?” Thona says. “Strinella’s ex-husband has expressed interest in reconciling with Strinella. He’s been calling her and sending her letters. He’s going to be attending the party. Strinella expects to reconcile with him tonight. And after they get back together, Strinella will want nothing more to do with you. She’ll evict you from the mansion.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Andrew says, trying to not appear worried. “Strinella can’t get enough of me. She would never get rid of me.”

“Don’t be so sure of that, Andrew,” Thona says. “She’s been telling me all about her plans for the future. And they all involve her ex-husband and not you.”

Andrew is troubled by this news, but he tries to not let it show. He is thinking that, he now has even more incentive to succeed at his objective of wooing one of the rich, beautiful, single women attending the party tonight.

“That reminds me: Strinella asked me to tell you that you’re banned from attending the party tonight,” Thona says.

“What?” Andrew says, stunned.

“She doesn’t want you around to interfere with things between her and her ex-husband,” Thona says.

Andrew is increasingly angry. “This isn’t fair,” Andrew says. “I have every right to attend that party. I must attend that party. I am going to attend that party! No one is going to stop me from attending that party! Do you hear me?”

Thona laughs, amused by Andrew’s anger. “You’re wrong, Andrew,” Thona says. “I am going to stop you from attending that party. And I’m going to enjoy doing it.”

Thona begins walking toward Andrew.

Later, in the evening, the party is occurring in Strinella’s mansion. Many people are in attendance.

Andrew is in one of the mansion’s closets. His arms and legs are tied up, and his mouth is gagged, so he can not move or speak. Thona did this to him. She told Andrew that she won’t free him until after the party ends.

Through a small hole in the closet’s door, Andrew can see the party occurring without him. He sees many beautiful, wealthy-looking, single-looking women in attendance. Andrew also sees Strinella and her ex-husband chatting with each other flirtatiously. Andrew wants to scream, but he can’t.

EPISODE 49: A RECURRING PROBLEM

At the moment, a man named Andrew Squervil is sitting at a bar in a tavern, drinking an alcoholic beverage, annoyed about his most recent failed attempt to marry a rich woman for her money.

“Another,” Andrew says, speaking to the bartender on duty.

The bartender makes another alcoholic beverage for Andrew.

“Why are you drinking so much tonight, Andrew?” the bartender says, asking more out of boredom than concern.

“I got dumped by a woman,” Andrew says.

“So, what do you care?” the bartender says. “You go through women like candy.”

“This woman was different,” Andrew says.

“How so?” the bartender says.

“She’s rich,” Andrew says. “Very rich. I planned to marry her for her money. And I was so close to accomplishing that. So very, very close. But then she caught me cheating on her with her maid.”

“This sounds like a story I’ve heard from you before,” the bartender says.

“Why do all the rich women I try to marry always have such attractive maids?” Andrew says.

“Life is unfair,” the bartender says.

Having lost interest in Andrew’s plight, the bartender begins conversing with someone else sitting at the bar.

EPISODE 50: OLGA AND INNA

At the moment, a man named Andrew Squervil is being pummeled mercilessly by two beautiful women named Olga and Inna. Olga and Inna are taking turns smashing their fists into Andrew’s handsome face. Prior to this beating in progress, Andrew was not aware that Olga and Inna’s dainty hands were capable of causing the high amount of pain he is now experiencing.

Olga and Inna and Andrew are currently in Olga and Inna’s shared apartment. A few minutes earlier, Olga and Inna simultaneously discovered that Andrew has been cheating on both women with each other. Prior to this discovery, Olga and Inna were each in a secret, apparently monogamous, romantic relationship with Andrew.

At the beginning of Andrew’s relationship with Olga, Andrew said to Olga: “We should keep our relationship a secret for now. Inna is deeply infatuated with me. It would devastate her to find out that I’m in a relationship with you, her best friend.”

Olga agreed.

At the beginning of Andrew’s relationship with Inna, Andrew said to Inna: “We should keep our relationship a secret for now. Olga is deeply infatuated with me. It would devastate her to find out that I’m in a relationship with you, her best friend.”

Inna agreed.

Now Andrew is on the floor, and is being kicked repeatedly by Olga and Inna, their sharp stiletto shoes functioning as weapons.

There was a time when Andrew was faced with the possibility of having to choose between Olga and Inna. For Andrew, it was like having to choose between two exquisitely delicious desserts. There was so much he liked about Olga and Inna: their pretty faces; their shapely bodies; Olga’s long, straight, blond hair; Inna’s long, wavy, brown hair; their sexy foreign accents; their cruel, arrogant, selfish personalities; their insatiable appetites for carnal delights; their dainty, pleasure-giving hands; the sexy, sharp stiletto shoes they often wear; their generous mouths; and, most importantly of all, their very well-funded bank accounts. Olga or Inna: it was a choice that Andrew did not want to ever have to make.

But now, as Olga and Inna’s merciless beating of Andrew remains in progress, with no end in sight, Andrew thinks that perhaps his plan to have both Olga and Inna was a bad idea.

EPISODE 51: ENTER BARBARA

At the moment, in an apartment belonging to a very fat woman named Barbara, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is having an intimate encounter with Barbara for the purpose of getting to stay at Barbara’s apartment tonight for free, as Andrew is in need of an inexpensive place to stay at tonight. Andrew, who finds Barbara absolutely unattractive, is feeling very miserable about his current situation. He is certain that he has reached the lowest point of his life. He is, however, incorrect.

EPISODE 52: CURRENT STATUS

While food-shopping at a supermarket, a man named Andrew Squervil runs into his ex-girlfriend, a beautiful woman named Riora.

“Hello, Andrew,” Riora says.

“Hello, Riora,” Andrew says, taking in her shapely body and pretty face.

“What are you doing here?” Riora says.

“Food-shopping,” Andrew says. “And you?”

“Also food-shopping,” Riora says. “I’m surprised you don’t have one of your maids do that for you.”

“Maids?” Andrew says, confused.

“Oh, I assumed you have maids, now that you’re rich,” Riora says.

Then Andrew remembers that when he broke up with Riora, he was leaving her for a very beautiful, very rich woman named Gloria. Andrew recalls telling Riora that he was going to get married to Gloria, thereby gaining access to all her wealth.

“Oh, no, Gloria and I don’t have any maids,” Andrew says. “It’s just not really our thing. We prefer to do our own chores.”

“That’s interesting,” Riora says. “So how long have you and Gloria been married now?”

“A while,” Andrew says, wanting to change the subject. “So what’s new with you?”

“I’m engaged!” Riora says jubilantly.

“Oh,” Andrew says, acting happy for Riora, but not really happy for her at all. “I’m so happy for you. Who are you getting married to?”

“Liglio!” Riora says.

“Liglio?” Andrew says. “That male underwear model who’s friends with Martin and Pustilla?”

“Yes,” Riora says. “I met Liglio at one of Martin and Pustilla’s dinner parties… a few days after you dumped me. He’s wonderful. I’d love for you to meet him. And I’d love to meet Gloria. Maybe the four of us can have dinner together sometime.”

“Yes, maybe,” Andrew says.

“How about next Tuesday?” Riora says.

“Actually, I’m not so sure dinner would be a good idea, Riora” Andrew says. “Gloria is very distrustful of other women when they’re around me. She thinks every other woman I interact with desires me and intends to steal me away from her. And in those situations, Gloria tends to get very nasty toward the other woman. Gloria would be very nasty and distrustful toward you. I’d hate to expose you to that.”

“Oh… that’s too bad,” Riora says.

“Yes, it is,” Andrew says. “Gloria’s possessiveness of me can be a burden sometimes. It’s ironic because most people would think that there is no downside to being married to a very beautiful, very flexible woman who has an insatiable appetite for her spouse. Well, it’s been good to see you, but I really must be going now. Gloria is waiting for me back at our mansion. Goodbye, Riora.”

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Riora says.

Later, Andrew returns to his current home, a crummy apartment, which he lives in alone, and which he can only afford to live in because the apartment’s hideous, obese female landlord lets him stay there for free in exchange for being her plaything. He met this woman and entered into this horrible living arrangement with her some time after Gloria had dumped him and had called off their engagement. Andrew doesn’t like being the landlord’s plaything, but he has major money problems and this is, unfortunately, the best living option currently available to him.

Andrew knows that later tonight, when the landlord stops by to receive her daily ‘rent payment,’ he will try his best to imagine she is Riora or Gloria or some other beautiful woman. And he knows he will fail.

He hopes that when the landlord is here later tonight, she will let him keep all the lights in the apartment turned off, maybe just this once. He prays that she will let him keep the lights turned off.

Later, after the landlord arrives, Andrew’s prayer goes unfulfilled, much to his dismay.

EPISODE 53: JOURNEY OUT OF THE WINDOW

Tonight, Andrew Squervil is visiting a crowded nightclub that he knows is a popular hangout spot for rich, single women. Andrew, who is not rich, is hoping to meet a rich, single, preferably beautiful woman who he could seduce and subsequently marry for her money.

While Andrew is in the night club, he sees a rich, beautiful woman from his past named Prettia. She has spotted Andrew and is approaching him rapidly, clearly very happy to see him. While most men would be delighted to be approached by a shapely hottie like Prettia, Andrew is not. He has not forgotten about his previous, horrible experience with Prettia.

“Andrew!” Prettia says, now very close to him. “Andrew Squervil! It’s me: Prettia! Do you remember me?”

“Of course I remember you, Prettia,” Andrew says. “How could I possibly forget you after what you did to me?”

“Oh, you’re not still angry about all that, are you?” Prettia says.

“You told me you were single,” Andrew says.

“I know, but I only said that because I really like you, and I didn’t want to turn you off,” Prettia says.

“You left me locked inside your shoe closet!” Andrew says. “I was trapped in there for days! I had to survive by eating your shoes! And after your husband discovered me in there, he pummeled me mercilessly!”

“Oh, I didn’t know about all that,” Prettia says.

“Your husband didn’t mention to you that he found me in your shoe closet and beat me mercilessly?” Andrew says.

“I had already left him by then,” Prettia says.

“You left your husband?” Andrew says.

“Yes, I’m divorced now,” Prettia says. “So now that that pesky husband is out of the picture, I’m thinking you and I could pick up where we left off. I’ve thought about you often since that night we met, Andrew. It makes me sad that we never got to complete our intimate encounter. There was so much I wanted to do to you that night. If only that idiot husband of mine hadn’t shown up unexpectedly. But now we have a second chance!”

“I’m no longer interested,” Andrew says. “Not after what happened. You totally misled me. I thought I was going to get to be with you, and maybe later get to marry you for your money. And instead I didn’t get either of those things.”

“But now you can get to be with me, and you can get to marry me!” Prettia says.

Andrew is now looking at her skeptically. “You’re really not married anymore?” he says.

“I told you, I got divorced,” Prettia says.

“And you’re still rich?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Prettia says “Very, very rich. I live in a different mansion now, but it’s just as luxurious as the other one was. It can be yours, Andrew Squervil. And I can be yours too. Come with me back to my mansion. My hot, luscious body needs you.”

Andrew is now gazing at Prettia’s hot, luscious body, and his anger toward her is beginning to be replaced by lust and greed. For a very long time, Andrew has been on a quest to become rich by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. During this quest, he has experienced much suffering, including imprisonments, merciless beatings, and intimate encounters with hideous women. But now, right in front of him is a beautiful rich woman offering herself and her wealth to him.

“Okay,” Andrew says. “Let’s go back to your mansion.”

“Yay!” Prettia says.

This can only end well, Andrew thinks as he and Prettia leave the nightclub together.

Later, Andrew and Prettia enter Prettia’s mansion. Her current mansion looks eerily similar to her previous mansion.

“Your current mansion looks eerily similar to your previous mansion,” Andrew says.

“Does it?” Prettia says. “I hadn’t noticed.”

She leads Andrew upstairs, into the mansion’s master bedroom, which looks very similar to the master bedroom in her previous mansion. This bedroom has some framed, expensive-looking paintings hanging on its walls, but appears to be devoid of photographs of any kind.

Prettia lays on the gigantic bed that is in the center of the bedroom. “Join me, Andrew,” she says.

As Andrew is about to join Prettia on the bed, they both hear the very loud sound of the mansion’s front door being opened and then closed. Prettia suddenly looks very worried.

She looks out the bedroom’s window. Andrew looks out the window too. He sees a very expensive-looking car parked in front of the mansion, a car that definitely was not parked there before, when Andrew and Prettia arrived at her mansion.

“Oh no,” Prettia says. “My husband is home!”

“Husband?” Andrew says. “You said you got divorced!”

“I did get divorced,” Prettia says. “And then I got married to another, richer man. He was supposed to be on an out-of-country business trip until tomorrow. It must have ended early.”

Andrew is feeling dizzy. It seems to be happening all over again, almost identically.

Like last time, Prettia is now frantically pulling out various framed photographs that she hid under her bed. The photographs are all of Prettia and a very large man, presumably her new husband. Now Prettia is hanging the various photographs on the bedroom’s walls, presumably in the same spots she took them down from after her husband left on his business trip.

“You need to hide somewhere before he comes upstairs,” Prettia says, speaking in a low whisper. “If he finds you here, he’ll pummel you mercilessly.”

“No, not again…” Andrew says. “I can’t go through all this again. I can’t!”

“Keep your voice down or he’ll hear you!” Prettia says.

She goes over to where the bedroom’s only closet is. The closet’s door is made of steel and looks very impenetrable. Prettia unlocks the closet door, then opens it. “Hide in here!” she says.

Andrew looks at the closet. As expected, it is packed with an absurdly large amount of women’s shoes. Thanks to the presence of those shoes, there is barely any space left in the closet for Andrew. From his previous experience, Andrew knows it will be a very uncomfortable, very painful hiding spot.

“No, I can’t do it,” Andrew says. “I can’t get trapped in another one of your shoe closets!”

“But there’s nowhere else to hide!” Prettia says.

“I’ll hide under your bed,” Andrew says.

He goes to hide under the bed, only to find out that that is not a possibility: underneath the bed are many, many more of Prettia’s shoes, leaving not enough space for Andrew to fit there.

“You won’t be able to fit under there,” Prettia says. “You have to hide in the shoe closet! It’s your only chance!”

“I’ll go out of the window and climb down from there,” Andrew says.

“But it’s so high up!” Prettia says. “You could fall and your handsome face could become damaged!”

Andrew goes to the window, intending to go out of it and climb down to the ground below. Then he looks down and realizes how high up he is from the ground outside. Fear overcomes him.

“If you’re going to go out the window, do it now!” Prettia says. “I hear him coming up the stairs! Hurry!”

Andrew is still standing by the window, debating whether to go out of it. “This seems very dangerous,” he says. “Maybe I shouldn’t do this. Maybe we should just let your husband find out about us.”

Prettia, in a panicked state, pushes Andrew out of the window.

As Andrew is falling toward the hard, cruel, concrete ground below, he realizes that he has once again failed to become rich, and has once again failed to be with Prettia.

EPISODE 54: BODY CAST

A man named Andrew Squervil opens his eyes in response to the sound of a man saying: “Are you okay?”

Andrew is in immense pain. He is laying on the concrete ground in front of a mansion belonging to a beautiful rich woman named Prettia and her rich husband. Prettia and her husband are standing over Andrew, looking down at him. It is daytime.

“Are you okay?” Prettia’s husband says to Andrew again.

Andrew is in too much pain to respond.

Though Andrew has never met Prettia’s husband before, Andrew recognizes the husband from framed wedding photographs Andrew saw in the couple’s master bedroom last night. In the photographs, Prettia looks so devoted to her husband, which is ironic.

“Can you hear me?” Prettia’s husband says to Andrew, very concerned. “Don’t worry. You’ll be okay. I called for help. An ambulance is on its way.”

Prettia’s husband turns to Prettia. “How did he get here?” he says. “What happened to him?”

“It was the strangest thing,” Prettia says. “I saw it all happen from the bedroom window. He was walking down the street. And then suddenly a car pulled up beside him, and four masked men with baseball bats got out of the car! When he saw them, he started running. They chased after him until they finally caught him here in front of our mansion. Then they held him down and beat him mercilessly with their bats. Then they got back into the car and it drove off.”

“Who is he?” Prettia’s husband says. “Is he one of our neighbors? I’ve never seen him before.”

“I’ve never seen him before either,” Prettia says, lying.

Last night, Andrew and Prettia were in the mansion’s master bedroom. Prettia had lured Andrew there with the intention of cheating on her husband with Andrew. However, before Andrew could indulge in Prettia, they were interrupted by the sound of her husband arriving home, back from his out-of-country business trip one day earlier than Prettia had expected. Prettia’s husband was in the mansion and was heading upstairs to the master bedroom, unaware that Prettia and Andrew were in there. Prettia was in a panicked state, desperately trying to conceal her attempted infidelity from her husband. In her panicked state, she pushed Andrew out of the bedroom’s window, causing him to fall a great height before landing on the hard, cruel, concrete ground outside.

Andrew presumes that Prettia didn’t ‘witness his assault’ until this morning because she was too busy having intimate encounters with her husband for the remainder of the night.

Now Andrew can see that Prettia’s plan to deceive her husband has worked. Her husband is deeply concerned for Andrew’s well-being and is completely oblivious to the fact that Prettia was trying to have an intimate encounter with this wounded man just a few hours earlier.

Later, Andrew is laying on a bed in a hospital bedroom. He is wearing a full body cast and his mouth is wired shut. He is completely immobile. All he can do is observe his surroundings.

Andrew observes his hospital bedroom. It is much nicer than the crummy apartment he is currently living in.

The memory of Andrew’s current living situation makes him cringe. Andrew, who has major money problems, hasn’t had to pay any money for the apartment. The apartment’s hideous, obese female landlord lets him live there for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew doesn’t like being her plaything, but this is the best living option currently available to him.

Prettia and her husband enter the hospital bedroom.

“Hello,” Prettia’s husband says to Andrew. “We just came by to see how you were doing. A nurse told us your name is Andrew Squervil. That was the name on the identification card that was found in your wallet. My name is Brock, and this is my wife Prettia.”

“We hope you’re feeling better, Andrew,” Prettia says.

Andrew sneaks a look at Prettia’s shapely body. He desires her more than ever before.

A doctor enters the hospital bedroom. “Hello,” the doctor says. “I’m Andrew’s doctor.”

“Oh doctor, will Andrew be okay?” Prettia says. “He looks so broken!”

The doctor sneaks a look at Prettia’s shapely body. “I gave Andrew a thorough examination earlier,” the doctor says. “Unfortunately, the beating he received caused damage to nearly every part of his body. In fact, the only part of his body that experienced no damage whatsoever is his pelvic region.”

“Oh thank goodness,” Prettia says, relieved. “What about his face? Will his face recover from those unsightly bruises?”

“Yes, his face will recover,” the doctor says. “Based on my examination, I have determined that Andrew will eventually make a full recovery from all of his wounds.”

“Oh how wonderful!” Prettia says.

“And even better, I am clearing Andrew for discharge from this hospital,” the doctor says. “He can go home today and complete his long, painful recovery at home. According to the information we found in his wallet, he lives in a nearby apartment. Will the two of you take him home?”

“Absolutely,” Prettia’s husband Brock says.

Later, Prettia and Brock transport Andrew home via Brock’s expensive car. Prettia and Brock carry Andrew into his apartment and prop him up on his bed.

“Well, I guess we’ll be leaving now,” Brock says to Andrew. “I’m sorry we had to meet under such unfortunate circumstances. I hope you make a full recovery soon.”

“As do I,” Prettia says to Andrew. “Perhaps we’ll visit you from time to time, to make sure your recovery is going well. In fact, we’ll visit you next week! Oh wait, Brock is going to be out of the country next week on a business trip. I guess I’ll have to visit you alone.” She winks at Andrew discreetly, out of Brock’s view.

“Actually, unfortunately, neither of us will get to visit you anytime soon, Andrew,” Brock says awkwardly.

Prettia is confused. “What are you talking about?” she says to Brock.

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Brock says to Prettia. “I wanted to reveal it to you tonight, at dinner, in a fancy restaurant. But I guess I might as well reveal it to you now: while I was on my out-of-country business trip, I bought us a mansion in that neighborhood you said you really wanted to move to: Shendeckery!”

“You bought us a mansion in Shendeckery?” Prettia says, elated.

“Yes!” Brock says, “And I secretly sold the mansion we currently live in, since we won’t need that one anymore! And I secretly made all the moving arrangements already, including our travel arrangements. We will leave for our new home tomorrow morning!”

“Oh this is so exciting, Brock!” Prettia says. “I desire you more than ever before!” She kisses Brock.

Brock says to Andrew: “Unfortunately, this new mansion Prettia and I are moving into is located in Shendeckery, a town located in a country very, very far away from here. So us visiting you anytime in the future is not a possibility. So this must be goodbye. But it was nice meeting you, Andrew Squervil. Farewell.”

“Yes, farewell, Andrew,” Prettia says absent-mindedly. “Let’s go, Brock. I can’t wait to see my new mansion! What color is it?”

“Light blue!” Brock says.

“That’s my favorite color!” Prettia says.

“I know!” Brock says.

Andrew gazes at Prettia’s shapely body as Prettia and Brock exit the apartment. Andrew hopes that he can keep that image present in his mind when he is being visited by his hideous, obese female landlord.

EPISODE 55: HOTTIE OVERLOAD

A few days after a man named Andrew Squervil finishes recovering from the wounds obtained during his most recent sleazy misadventure, Andrew receives a letter in the mail. The letter is from a charitable foundation called the Dibizbee Foundation. Then letter says:

“Dear Mister Squervil,

The Dibizbee Foundation has received your application for a donation from our foundation to your charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization. I am delighted to inform you that, after careful consideration, the Dibizbee Foundation is strongly considering bestowing the Andrew Squervil Organization with a financial donation. Per our foundation’s custom, we would like to meet with you in person before we make a decision regarding a donation. With that in mind, I would like to invite you to spend a week with us at our foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, so we can have an opportunity to learn more about you and your wonderful organization. Please contact me at the phone number below so we can make the arrangements for your visit. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

Rena Dibizbee”

Andrew reads the letter again, confused and annoyed. It isn’t an acceptance letter, but it isn’t a denial letter either.

Some time ago, Andrew began a quest to become rich. He planned to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, beautiful woman for her money. Initially, Andrew thought this would be easy. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. Which is ironic, as all of Andrew’s attempts to con a rich woman into marriage have ended in failure thus far.

As those failures began piling up, Andrew decided to utilize more than that one strategy to become rich. One other strategy he has added to his repertoire is charity scams. He is now also attempting to become rich by defrauding a charitable foundation out of a very large amount of money, an amount so large that it would make Andrew rich. And that was the reason for the existence of Andrew’s non-existent charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization. Andrew submitted donation requests to many, many charitable foundations in the hope that maybe just one of those foundations might be foolish enough to fall for his scam. For a very long time, Andrew did not receive a single response from any of the foundations. But now, here is a letter from the Dibizbee Foundation in his hands, giving him a small bit of hope.

Andrew decides that if he is going to have any chance of defrauding this foundation, he would have to gain a better understanding of who he is dealing with. So he goes on to his computer and accesses the Dibizbee Foundation’s website.

While browsing the website, he comes across a page containing the history of the Dibizbee Foundation, along with biographies and photographs of the foundation’s board of directors. The Dibizbee Foundation was founded by a very wealthy man named Bartholomew Dibizbee. He created the foundation as a gift for his rich wife, a former model named Rena Dibizbee. Though Bartholomew created the foundation, he is not a member of its board of directors, which consists of his sexy blond wife, along with three other attractive women: Elaine, Sharon, and Francine. From the information provided in the biographies, it doesn’t appear that Elaine, Sharon, or Francine are related to Bartholomew and Rena Dibizbee.

Andrew suspects that, during his visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s headquarters, he may need to flirt with or perhaps even seduce one or more of these women to improve his chances of getting the donation. While looking at the website’s photographs of these four attractive women, he thinks: that won’t be a burden at all.

He calls Rena Dibizbee and arranges to stay at the Dibizbee Foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, for an entire week.

A few days later, Andrew arrives at the mansion, which is very large and very elegant. He is let into the mansion by an attractive maid. The maid leads Andrew into the mansion’s parlor.

Rena Dibizbee is in the parlor. She is wearing leopard-colored, close-fitting pants, and a shirt that is equally close-fitting and equally leopard-colored, accentuating her well-toned, shapely body. She is holding a glass containing what appears to be an alcoholic beverage.

“You must be Andrew,” Rena says. “I’m Rena Dibizbee.” She extends her hand outward so that Andrew can kiss the back of it.

“Hello, Missus Dibizbee,” Andrew says. He kisses the back of her hand. “It’s an honor to meet you,” he says.

“Likewise,” Rena says. “Would you like a drink?”

“Yes, thanks,” Andrew says.

As Rena is preparing a beverage for Andrew, she says to the maid: “Molly, will you please let the others know that Andrew has arrived?”

“Certainly, Missus Dibizbee,” the maid, Molly, says.

Andrew sneaks a look at Molly’s shapely body as she exits the parlor.

Rena hands Andrew a glass containing what appears to be an alcoholic beverage.

“Thanks,” he says. He takes a sip of the beverage, then immediately coughs violently in response to how strong it is. He has had alcoholic beverages many times before, but never anything this powerful. Already, he is feeling mildly inebriated, which he doesn’t want to be, as he needs to stay focused to keep his lies straight.

Rena is clearly amused by Andrew’s reaction to the alcoholic beverage. “I find men who can’t hold their liquor so adorable,” she says.

“So you live here?” Andrew says, still trying to regain his composure.

“No,” Rena says. “Mister Dibizbee and I live in a different mansion, in a different neighborhood. He bought this mansion so that it could serve as the foundation’s headquarters – a place where the foundation’s board of directors can focus on running the foundation. Though the other three board members do in fact live in this mansion. But I only visit this mansion when we’re doing these week-long interviews with donation requestors like yourself. There’s a guest bedroom here that I stay in… right next to the guest bedroom you’ll be staying in.” She smiles at Andrew, with a hint of suggestiveness in her smile.

Andrew smiles back at her, trying to reciprocate that hint of suggestiveness with a hint of suggestiveness of his own.

“Is Mister Dibizbee here?” he says.

“No, sadly, Mister Dibizbee will not be joining us this week,” Rena says. “I’m the only Dibizbee here this week.”

“Oh,” Andrew says. “I assumed that maybe the other board members were also part of the Dibizbee family.”

“No, just me,” Rena says. “Initially, I was the only person running the foundation… and it didn’t even have this mansion for its headquarters. I just worked from home. But later, upon Mister Dibizbee’s insistence, the foundation hired Francine, Elaine, and Sharon. They handle all the day-to-day operations of the foundation now. And Mister Dibizbee bought this mansion for the three women to work out of… though they also choose to live here. And why wouldn’t they? It’s much nicer than the places they were living in when they were just struggling lingerie models.”

Andrew detects more than a little bit of contempt in Rena’s voice.

“Well, it’s a wonderful foundation you have,” Andrew says. “And I’m thrilled that you’ve chosen to give a donation to my struggling charitable organization.”

“Well, you haven’t gotten the donation quite yet,” Rena says. “That’s why you’re here, after all. You’re going to have to do some convincing.”

She take a sip of her beverage and winks at Andrew somewhat suggestively.

“I look forward to convincing you,” Andrew says.

They grin at each other.

The maid, Molly, and the three other foundation board members enter the parlor. Andrew takes in the view of the three additional board members: Francine, Elaine, and Sharon. They are all as attractive as they appeared in the photographs on the foundation’s website.

Rena makes the introductions between Andrew and the other board members, and Andrew immediately detects the unspoken mutual hatred that exists between Rena and the three other women.

“Let’s have lunch now, shall we?” Rena says. “Andrew can tell us all about his wonderful organization while we dine.”

Later, while Andrew and Rena and Francine and Elaine and Sharon are having an exquisite buffet lunch together at a table in the mansion’s dining room, Andrew detects an equally intense unspoken mutual hatred that exists between Francine and Elaine and Sharon. Never before in his life has Andrew heard so many passive-aggressive comments exchanged.

During the lunch, while Andrew is in the middle of telling the women various lies about his non-existent charitable organization, he feels someone’s foot discreetly rubbing against him underneath the table. At first, he assumes it’s Rena’s foot, but then he realizes it’s Francine’s.

After the lunch, Andrew spends the rest of the day with the four board members, engaging in various leisure activities in and around the mansion: horseback riding; tennis; and swimming. During the swimming session in the mansion’s outdoor in-ground pool, Sharon seems particularly mesmerized by the sight of Andrew’s shirtless, well-toned chest.

In the evening, while Andrew and the four board members are having an exquisite buffet dinner together at a table in the mansion’s other dining room, he feels someone’s foot discreetly rubbing against him underneath the table. This time, it’s Elaine’s.

Later, at night, Andrew is laying on his bed in the guest bedroom that was provided to him. He very much likes his bedroom, and the mansion in general. He intends to buy himself a mansion as nice as this one after he has become rich by defrauding the foundation.

The door to Andrew’s bedroom opens. The maid, Molly, enters the bedroom, then closes the door.

Before Andrew can say anything in response to her sudden entrance, Molly says: “I know you’re a fraud. I did some research on you. There is no Andrew Squervil Organization. You’re trying to defraud the Dibizbee Foundation. And I’m going to expose you unless you give me what I want.”

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says, speaking in a low whisper, remembering that Rena’s bedroom is next to this bedroom. “This is all some kind of misunderstanding.”

“There’s no need to whisper,” Molly says. “Rena won’t hear anything. The walls and doors in this mansion are all ridiculously thick. And don’t bother playing innocent with me, Andrew Squervil. I’m not as gullible as the other women in this mansion. You’re a fraud, your charitable organization doesn’t exist, and I have all the documented proof I need to expose you any time I want.”

“What do you want?” Andrew says.

“I want half of the money you steal from the foundation,” Molly says. “Half of whatever the foundation ends up giving you.”

After a few seconds, Andrew says: “Consider it done.” He intends to double-cross her.

“And don’t even think of trying to double-cross me,” Molly says.

She exits the bedroom, then closes its door.

Andrew is very tired from the long day he had. All of the activities and all of the lying has worn him down. He is looking forward to several hours of deep sleep.

As he is dozing off, he expects that he will have his usual recurring nightmare in which he is having an intimate encounter with a hideous woman from his past named Pustilla. But that doesn’t bother him right now. He is willing to endure that nightmare just to get some much-needed rest.

The door to Andrew’s bedroom opens. Molly enters the bedroom.

“Don’t you know how to knock?” Andrew says, annoyed.

“Missus Dibizbee wants to see you,” Molly says.

“Where is she?” Andrew says.

“In her bedroom, of course,” Molly says. “You should be honored. Missus Dibizbee is very selective of the men she summons to her bedroom. She must see a lot of potential in you. Don’t disappoint her.”

A few minutes later, Molly opens the door to Rena’s bedroom, and Andrew enters the bedroom.

The bedroom is very dark, illuminated only by a few lit candles near Rena’s bed. Rena is on the bed, wearing a leopard-colored negligee.

This is turning out to be good week for me, Andrew thinks.

Molly shuts the door behind Andrew, leaving him with Rena.

The candles are illuminating Rena’s well-toned, shapely body.

“The three other foundation board members you met today – Francine, Elaine, and Sharon – they’re Mister Dibizbee’s mistresses,” Rena says. “Mister Dibizbee cheats on me with each of them. He thinks I don’t know, but I know. I’ve always known. He’s not as good a liar as he thinks he is. In fact, he’s a terrible liar. At first, Francine was his only mistress. But after a while, she was no longer enough for him. That’s when Sharon came into the picture. And then later, Elaine. He arranged for them to be in this mansion as ‘foundation board members’, but that was really just a way to have all his mistresses in one place for his convenience. The three women supposedly are here to handle the foundation’s day-to-day operations, but they mostly just lounge around here all day, enjoying the many luxuries that Mister Dibizbee affords for them. This interview process we started with you today is the most work they’ve done in months… unless you count their intimate encounters with Mister Dibizbee as work. The funny thing is, each one of his mistresses thinks that she’s special to Mister Dibizbee – that one day, he’ll divorce me and marry her. That’s why the three of them hate each other, and hate me: they’re each competing for him, so they view each other, and me, as threats to their goal.”

“Mister Dibizbee is a lucky man,” Andrew says.

“Yes, I suppose any heterosexual man who has three beautiful mistresses would be considered lucky,” Rena says.

“Well, yes, but what I meant was, he’s lucky to have you as his wife,” Andrew says. “Most men would do anything to be married to a total hottie like you.”

Rena closes her eyes and tilts her head back, as if taking in the compliment. Then she opens her eyes and says: “Do you know that that philandering husband of mine hasn’t touched me in months? He claims he’s going through a ‘phase’, but I know he’s really just saving all his energy for those three floozies. I’ve had to resort to going to other men to satisfy my carnal desires. I’ve tried many different types of men: bodybuilders… athletes… underwear models… and foundation donation requestors. Join me on this bed, Andrew Squervil, and let me take you to paradise.”

Andrew joins Rena on the bed. She pounces on him like a leopard.

This isn’t Andrew’s first time being with another man’s wife.

Some time later, Andrew and Rena are laying next to each other on the bed.

“That was… wonderful,” Rena says, still catching her breath. “Wow. It’s amazing… that you could do so much… with so little.”

“What?” Andrew says.

Rena, not registering Andrew’s reaction to her comment, says: “Andrew, you have an amazing talent. And I want to keep that talent to myself, for my continued personal enjoyment. I’m planning to start a ‘mistress mansion’ of my own, similar to what Mister Dibizbee has with his three trollops here. It would be a mansion containing all of my male mistresses… including you. My own personal stud farm. And you would be the chief stuff living there… because of the superior level of satisfaction you give me. I would make sure you got the best treatment out of all my man muffins.”

The idea of having to share a mansion with other men doesn’t appeal to Andrew… even if it would mean getting to continue indulging in Rena.

“It sounds nice,” Andrew says. “But couldn’t I be the only stud in your ‘stud farm’ mansion? Why would I have to share the mansion with other men? Aren’t I enough for you?”

Rena caresses Andrew’s face. “Oh Andrew, you’re great,” she says in a reassuring tone. “But a woman needs variety in her life. I mean, imagine if the only food I could ever eat was extra-small carrots. I love eating extra-small carrots. They’re my favorite snack actually. But sometimes, I’m not in the mood for extra-small carrots. Sometimes, I want to eat something different… like a large zucchini… or even just a regular-sized carrot. You understand, don’t you?”

After a few seconds of silence, Andrew says: “You’re likening me to extra-small carrots?”

Rena, ignoring Andrew’s inquiry, says: “Well, this ‘stud farm’ idea is all just hypothetical right now anyway, so I guess it’s not worth discussing yet. But I want you to know that there will be a place for you there if it ever comes into existence. And I also want you to know that I am now fully in support of the Dibizbee Foundation giving a donation to your charitable organization. Hopefully, the others won’t vote against you when the time comes to decide.”

“But you’re a Dibizbee,” Andrew says. “Doesn’t that give you some kind of higher decision-making authority over them?”

“No,” Rena says. “Their votes carry the same power as mine. And the decision has to be unanimous. If even one of them votes against you, you won’t get the donation.” She gently pats his face in a playful manner, then kisses him. “Well, I need to get some rest now, Andrew,” Rena says. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Andrew says.

As he is getting out of her bed, Rena says: “Oh, and Andrew?”

“Yes?” Andrew says.

“We should keep our affair a secret,” Rena says. “Francine and Elaine and Sharon all desire you, so they would be very angry with you if they found out that you’ve chosen me over all of them. It might affect whether they vote for or against you.”

“Okay,” Andrew says.

“Goodnight,” Rena says.

“Goodnight,” Andrew says.

He exits her bedroom and returns to his own bedroom.

He lays on his bed, even more exhausted than he was before his intimate encounter with Rena. He closes his eyes.

As he is about to drift off into a very deep, much-needed sleep, he feels something flicking his forehead repeatedly. He opens his eyes and sees that the maid, Molly, is standing near the bed and is flicking his forehead repeatedly.

She stops flicking his forehead a few seconds after seeing that he has opened his eyes.

“You’ve been summoned again,” Molly says.

“Rena wants me again?” Andrew says.

“No, you idiot,” Molly says. “It’s not Missus Dibizbee this time. It’s Francine.”

“Francine?” Andrew says. He isn’t surprised, remembering Francine’s foot from earlier today.

“Yes,” Molly says. “She has a burning desire for you. I’ll show you to her bedroom. Do hurry up. She does not like to be kept waiting.”

“But… what about me and Rena?” Andrew says.

“You won’t tell Francine or anyone else about you and Rena,” Molly says. “Just like you won’t tell Rena or anyone else about you and Francine. And if you end up having affairs with Elaine and Sharon this week, you’ll keep those affairs secrets as well. If the foundation board members find out you’re cheating on them with each other, they’ll hate you, and our chances of getting the foundation’s money will be ruined. Mister Dibizbee’s wife and mistresses will each want to keep their affair with you a secret as well, so you should have no problem getting each woman to go along with the secrecy. Now let’s go. Francine is waiting for you.”

Andrew, feeling very worn out, gets out of his bed.

“Oh, and I should probably tell you, it’s highly important that you meet all of Francine’s expectations,” Molly says. “Francine can be very cruel and spiteful to men who don’t meet her expectations.”

“What are her expectations?” Andrew says, worried that he might not get Francine’s vote if he displeases Francine tonight.

“She expects you to be a generous lover,” Molly says. “As generous as Mister Dibizbee. And Mister Dibizbee is a very, very generous lover.” Molly closes her eyes and smiles as if she is recalling a specific personal experience. She then opens her eyes and says: “Francine will expect the same amount of generosity from you. Don’t disappoint her.”

Molly leads Andrew to Francine’s bedroom, which is very far away from Rena’s bedroom.

Later, while Andrew and Francine are alone together in Francine’s bedroom, Andrew completes his intimate encounter with Francine, gaining her vote.

Afterwards, Andrew returns to his bedroom, even more exhausted than he was before his intimate encounter with Francine. His jaw is very sore, and he is annoyed that all of his generosity toward Francine was not reciprocated.

Molly is in his bedroom. “Oh good, you’re back,” she says. “I’ve been waiting for you to return. You’ve been summoned again, this time by Sharon. Be careful with her. She is a very generous lover, but unfortunately has very sharp teeth.”

Molly leads Andrew to Sharon’s bedroom, which is very far away from both Rena’s bedroom and Francine’s bedroom.

Later, while Andrew and Sharon are alone together in Sharon’s bedroom, Andrew completes his intimate encounter with Sharon, gaining her vote.

Afterwards, Andrew returns to his bedroom, even more exhausted than he was before his intimate encounter with Sharon. and he is still feeling some pain where Sharon accidentally bit him. Prior to that incident, Andrew had never in his life thought that something so wonderful could turn so horrible in an instant.

Much to his dismay, Molly is in his bedroom.

“Oh no…” Andrew says.

“Oh yes,” Molly says. “You’ve been summoned again, this time by Elaine.”

Molly leads Andrew to Elaine’s bedroom, which is very far away from Rena’s bedroom and Francine’s bedroom and Sharon’s bedroom.

Later, while Andrew and Elaine are alone together in Elaine’s bedroom, Andrew completes his intimate encounter with Elaine, gaining her vote.

Afterwards, Andrew returns to his bedroom, still in shock over his experience with Elaine. Prior to their intimate encounter, he had found her to be the sweetest and most conservative woman in the mansion. But now, Andrew’s perception of her has changed irrevocably. He now knows that Elaine is a deeply, deeply twisted individual. She subjected him to so many things that he never would have agreed to be subjected to if he wasn’t trying to get her vote. Their intimate encounter was as torturous for him as it was enjoyable for her. He will never be able to look at various household objects the same way ever again.

Andrew lays on his bed and closes his eyes, hoping he can finally get some sleep. He has only been in the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion for one day, and already he is thoroughly exhausted. He is very worried that he will not be able to endure an entire week of Rena and Elaine and Francine and Sharon. He is equally worried that he will not be able to successfully juggle his affairs with all four women for an entire week. He is equally worried that his charity scam will be exposed before he can successfully defraud the foundation. All of these worries, along with memories of Rena’s emasculating comments and Francine’s ungenerous nature and Sharon’s very sharp teeth and Elaine’s various household objects dance around in Andrew’s mind as he drifts off to sleep.

Now he is dreaming. Strangely, he is not having his usual recurring nightmare about the hideous woman from his past named Pustilla. Instead, he is having a different dream. In this dream, he is very tiny, as tiny as an ant. He is on a table in one of the mansion’s dining rooms. Rena and Francine and Elaine and Sharon are sitting around the table, dining on various exquisite-looking dishes that are laid out on the table. The table and the dishes and the four women all seem gigantic to Andrew because of his size.

None of the four women seem to be aware of Andrew’s presence on the table.

“This is all so delicious,” Elaine says.

“I agree,” Sharon says.

Francine notices Andrew on the table. “Hey, what’s that?” Francine says.

“I don’t know,” Rena says. “But it looks delicious.”

“Let’s eat it!” Sharon says.

She begins reaching toward Andrew.

Andrew begins to run away from her seemingly gigantic hand.

“Hey, he’s running away!” Francine says.

“Oh no!” Elaine says. “Don’t let that delicious snack get away!”

“Don’t worry,” Rena says. “I’ve got him.”

Rena presses her seemingly gigantic, red-nail-polished thumb down onto Andrew, stopping him. He tries to escape, but he can’t.

“You caught him!” Sharon says.

“Wonderful!” Elaine says.

“Now we can all enjoy this delicious snack!” Francine says.

Rena picks Andrew up from the table and holds him in the air. She licks her lips while gazing at him.

“No,” Rena says, not taking her eyes off Andrew. “Only I will get to enjoy this delicious snack.”

“Oh, that’s not fair!” Francine says.

“We should all get to try it!” Elaine says.

“No,” Rena says, still looking at Andrew. “This snack is all mine. He’s all mine. You’re all mine, Andrew Squervil.”

Rena then opens her mouth and begins moving Andrew toward it. As Andrew is about to be devoured by her, he screams.

Then Andrew wakes up. The first thing he sees is Rena, the real Rena. She is sitting on the bed, on his mid-torso, looking down at him with concern.

“Are you okay?” she says. “You’re sweating profusely and you looked like you were having a bad dream.”

“What time is it?” Andrew says.

Daylight is coming through the bedroom’s window. Andrew looks at a nearby clock and sees that he has been asleep for less than an hour.

“It’s very early in the morning,” Rena says. “We’re supposed to meet Francine and Elaine and Sharon for breakfast later this morning.” Now she is running one of her fingers across Andrew’s shirtless chest. “I was hoping you could help me pass the time before then,” she says. She licks her lips in a suggestive manner, then leans into Andrew and begins kissing him.

Andrew knows that he should be enjoying this, but he is still very exhausted, and also still very shaken from the disturbing dream in which he was being devoured by the hottie who is now kissing him.

Andrew gently pulls away from Rena and says: “Actually, perhaps we shouldn’t do this, Missus Dibizbee. I know it’s early, but the other foundation board members might be awake already, and they might be walking around the mansion, and they might overhear us and find out what’s going on between us. You want us to keep our affair a secret, remember?”

Rena grins. “You are so adorable, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “Every time I think you’ve reached the height of adorability, you exceed my expectations. There’s no need to worry about being found out. The door to your bedroom is closed and locked. And the walls and doors in this mansion are so absurdly thick that no one outside this bedroom would be able to hear any noises coming from here… not even the loudest, most passionate scream. Now kiss me, you sexy man muffin.” She begins kissing him again.

Andrew begins kissing her back, dismayed that he was unable to dissuade her. He craves sleep badly.

Later, Andrew and Rena and Francine and Elaine and Sharon are sitting at a table and having breakfast in one of the mansion’s dining rooms. The breakfast consists of extra-small carrots and zucchinis. Everyone except Andrew is well-rested.

During the breakfast, the women are asking Andrew various questions about the Andrew Squervil Organization: its history; what inspired him to form the organization; how many people the organization has helped thus far; its annual budget; and so on. Andrew is so exhausted from the events of last night and earlier this morning that he is struggling to give believable answers to their questions.

Complicating the matter further for Andrew are various distracting things that the women are discreetly doing while he is trying to tell his lies: Francine, who is sitting next to Andrew, has taken his hand underneath the table and, also underneath the table, placed his hand on a part of her body that he is now very familiar with; Elaine, who is sitting directly across from Andrew, is smiling at him cheerfully while, underneath the table, playfully jamming her sharp-stiletto-heeled foot into him, causing him pain; Rena is gazing at Andrew lustfully while licking and sucking on an extra-small carrot in a suggestive manner, occasionally stopping to gaze longingly at a very large zucchini on her plate; Sharon is also gazing at Andrew lustfully while biting into extra-small carrots with her very sharp teeth, unintentionally reminding Andrew of the painful mishap from last night.

While all this is going on, Molly the maid periodically comes in and out of the room, discreetly giving Andrew threatening looks. Andrew still hasn’t figured out how he will successfully double-cross her after he’s gotten the money from the foundation.

The remainder of Andrew’s week with the Dibizbee Foundation turns out to be as exhausting for Andrew as the first day was. He has to spend his mornings and afternoons and evenings with all four foundation board members, all the time, engaging is all kinds of energy-draining leisure activities with them. And he has to spend his nights juggling his secret affairs with them, always on the verge of being caught, always being denied even one full hour of sleep.

By the end of the week, Andrew is more exhausted than he has even been before in his life. He feels like he might pass out at any moment. Since beginning his quest to become rich, Andrew has experienced many forms of suffering: humiliation… disappointment… beatings… imprisonment… but this is the first time he has suffered from multiple intimate encounters with beautiful women.

Now it is Andrew’s last day in the mansion, and it is almost time for him to leave. It is also almost time for him to be officially informed whether the Dibizbee Foundation has decided to give a donation to the Andrew Squervil Organization. He is standing in the mansion’s absurdly large vestibule. Rena and Sharon and Francine and Elaine are also in the vestibule, all still blissfully unaware that they have been sharing Andrew with each other all week. Molly is also in the vestibule, feather-dusting various pieces of furniture in the room.

Rena is holding an expensive-looking envelope. She and the other three foundation board members are looking at Andrew as if they are each very pleased with him.

“Andrew Squervil, on behalf of the Dibizbee Foundation, I hereby award the Andrew Squervil Organization with this very generous financial donation,” Rena says.

She hands the envelope to Andrew.

Andrew’s eyes are watering. He has suffered so much, but now it seems like it was all worth it. “Thank you, Missus Dibizbee,” he says. “Thank you, all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this gift will help my charitable organization reach its goals.”

Andrew opens the envelope and takes out its content: a check from the Dibizbee Foundation, made out to the Andrew Squervil Organization. The check is signed by Rena, and also has her lipstick imprint on it. The check is for an absurdly low amount of money, an amount less than what it would cost to live in a very crummy apartment for one month. This is definitely not enough money to make Andrew rich. Not even close.

Andrew looks up and sees that Molly has registered his disappointed reaction to the check amount. Now she has a disappointed expression of her own.

“What is this?” Andrew says, speaking to the foundation board members. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Rena has a shocked, offended expression on her face. “It’s a very generous donation, Andrew,” she says. “In fact, it’s the largest charitable donation the Dibizbee Foundation has ever given.”

“What?” Andrew says. “Are you serious? But the foundation has so much money!”

“Yes, and the foundation uses most of its money for its operating expenses: the foundation’s website; this mansion; Molly the maid; the salaries for myself and the other foundation board members; our annual bonuses; and so on,” Rena says. “After all those expenses have been paid for, there’s very little money left in the foundation’s annual budget for charity donations.”

Andrew throws down the check and the envelope, enraged. “You bimbos have all cheated me!” he says.

Rena puts her arms akimbo in a disapproving manner. “Andrew!” she says in a disapproving tone. “This behavior is most definitely not adorable!”

“Yes, Andrew,” Elaine says. “You’re being a very poor representative of the Andrew Squervil Organization right now.”

Sharon and Francine nod in agreement, clearly just as disappointed in Andrew.

“No, he isn’t,” Molly says. “He couldn’t possibly be a poor representative of the Andrew Squervil Organization… because the Andrew Squervil Organization doesn’t exist!”

“What?!” Rena and Sharon and Elaine and Francine say simultaneously.

“Is this true, Andrew?” Rena says, her arms still akimbo.

Andrew sighs, feeling defeated and exhausted. “Yes, that’s right,” he says. “I was scamming you. There is no Andrew Squervil Organization. And I’ll tell you something else: I’ve been deceiving all of you bimbos in more ways than one: all week long, each of you thought I was your personal plaything, but I’ve really been having intimate encounters with all four of you!”

“What?!” Rena and Sharon and Elaine and Francine say simultaneously, again.

“That’s right,” Andrew says, sneering. “And let me tell you one more thing before I leave: I’ve cheated on many, many women in my life, but you four bimbos are by far the dumbest, most gullible women I’ve ever encountered! Goodbye forever!”

Andrew walks over to the door to the outside, eager to get far, far away from the Dibizbee Foundation. He tries to open the door, but it’s locked. He attempts to unlock the door, but it requires a key.

“It requires a key, Andrew,” Molly says. “A key I have in my pocket.”

“Let me out of here!” Andrew says.

“Molly, please call the police and arrange for them to come here and arrest Andrew for trying to defraud our foundation,” Rena says.

“Of course, Missus Dibizbee,” Molly says, sneering. She takes a phone out of her pocket and begins to make a call with it.

“You can’t keep me here,” Andrew says. “I’ll break the door down if I have to. I’ll be gone long before the police arrive.”

“I guess we’ll have to forcefully keep him here until the police arrive,” Rena says to the other foundation board members.

Elaine and Francine and Sharon nod in agreement.

Rena and Elaine and Francine and Sharon begin approaching Andrew. Before he can process what is about to happen, Elaine kicks him in the groin with one of her sharp-stiletto-heeled feet, causing him to fall to the ground in agony. Rena and Elaine and Francine and Sharon proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly. For the very first time, all four members of the Dibizbee Foundation’s board of directors are working together to achieve a common goal.

EPISODE 56: FORMS OF HELL

A man named Andrew Squervil returns to his apartment shortly after being released from a hellish form of prison known as the Chamber of Misery. Andrew had been incarcerated there for a very long time as a result of his failed attempt to defraud a charitable foundation out of money.

Much to Andrew’s dismay, on the front door of his apartment is a note from his hideous, obese female landlord. The note says:

“Welcome back from prison, Andrew. I’ve missed that body of yours. I’ll be coming by tonight. Looking forward to our imminent reunion.”

On the note, underneath the words, is an imprint of her lipstick.

Andrew shudders. He has a special arrangement with her in which he gets to live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew despises the landlord and her fat, furry body, but he has major money problems, and this is, unfortunately for him, the best living option currently available to him.

From one hell to another, Andrew thinks.

EPISODE 57: SO MUCH HAIR

So much hair where there shouldn’t be any hair, a miserable, sleazy man named Andrew Squervil thinks while he is having an intimate encounter with his hideous female landlord, who lets Andrew live in his apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything.

EPISODE 58: RETURN TO THE ISLAND OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

During an evening, while a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, he hears someone knocking on the apartment’s front door. Andrew assumes that it is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. She usually stops by around this time of day to receive her ‘payments’ from Andrew. Miserably, Andrew goes to the door to answer it.

“So much hair where there shouldn’t be any hair,” Andrew says, muttering to himself.

He opens the front door. Much to his surprise, the person standing before him isn’t his repulsive female landlord, but rather a very beautiful woman, the type of woman that Andrew would classify as a total hottie.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” the very beautiful woman says.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “Do I know you?”

“You don’t remember me?” she says.

“No,” Andrew says, surprised that he wouldn’t remember this hottie. “Who are you?”

“My name is Jessica,” she says. “I’m a model. We encountered each other once before… on Ilgana’s island.”

The word ‘Ilgana’ causes Andrew to flinch, and now he suddenly realizes who Jessica is.

Some time ago, Andrew’s sleazy misadventures brought him to a large, secret island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. The island was populated almost exclusively by many, many beautiful women. The beautiful women were all models from various other parts of the world. The island was an exclusive resort for them, a place where they could escape the stressors that come from being a female model.

The island was owned and ruled by a very wealthy, hideous woman named Ilgana. She lived in a very large castle on the island.

Upon Andrew’s unexpected arrival on the island, five of the island’s beautiful female residents, including Jessica, brought Andrew to Ilgana’s castle so he could be evaluated by Ilgana.

Prior to meeting Ilgana, Andrew was under the false impression that he would very much enjoy his stay on this island. He was very good at seducing beautiful women, and there was a vast abundance of them on this island. For Andrew, it seemed like a wonderful paradise, at the time.

But then he met Ilgana in her castle, and she immediately deemed Andrew a potential nuisance to the harmony of the island, and, to handle this potential nuisance, decreed that Andrew be imprisoned in a prison cell in her castle’s dungeon.

Before Andrew could attempt to avoid being imprisoned, one of the beautiful women who had brought him to Ilgana’s mansion – Jessica – hit Andrew on the head with a large object, causing him to become unconscious. When he regained consciousness, he was trapped inside a locked prison cell in the castle’s dungeon.

Andrew was trapped in that prison cell for a very, very long time. Instead of getting to spend his days seducing stunningly beautiful women, he had to remain in his cell, surviving on a steady diet of dead fish and water that his captor was providing him to survive.

Eventually, Andrew escaped from the prison cell, and Ilgana’s island. Eventually, he ended up where he is now: back in his home country, living in this crummy apartment, inexplicably face-to-face with Jessica, the hottie who knocked him unconscious.

“You!” Andrew says, furious. “I remember you! You’re the one who knocked me unconscious!”

“I know you’re angry at me,” Jessica says. “And you have every right to be.”

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says. “How did you even find me?”

“I’ve come here on behalf of the beautiful women of the island,” Jessica says. “We’ve been searching for you for a very, very long time.”

“I’m not letting you imprison me again,” Andrew says. “I’m not going back to Ilgana’s island!”

“It’s not Ilgana’s island anymore,” Jessica says. “Ilgana is gone.”

“Gone?” Andrew says.

“Gone,” Jessica says. “Ilgana’s evil reign is over. She was overthrown and exiled by the beautiful women of the island.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Andrew says. “But what does that have to do with me?”

“Because the beautiful women of the island want you to come back to us, Andrew,” Jessica says. “When you arrived on the island, we were immediately taken with you. We wanted you to be our plaything, and satisfy our every carnal desire.”

“That’s a lie!” Andrew says. “You knocked me unconscious and helped Ilgana imprison me! You all did nothing to free me from that dungeon!”

“We were only following Ilgana’s orders,” Jessica says. “She was the ruler of the island, and the ruler of the island must be obeyed. But she’s gone now, and we need a new ruler of the island. We want that person to be you, Andrew Squervil. Please come back with me to the island. You can live in Ilgana’s former castle, and be our ruler. You’ll have access to all the luxuries of the island… including us. And we’ll do anything we can to please you. Anything.”

“Anything?” Andrew says.

“Anything,” Jessica says.

“Even-” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “Even that. So will you do it, Andrew Squervil? Will you come back with me to the island?”

Internally, Andrew weighs the apparent options facing him: continuing to be his monster-like female landlord’s plaything, or a life of luxury with regular access to many, many goddess-like female mega hotties: hideous monster woman or sexy goddesses… hideous monster woman or sexy goddesses…

“Yes,” Andrew says, with absolute certainty.

Jessica clasps her hands together in delight. “I’m so happy to hear that, Andrew!” she says. “We’re going to have so much fun together. The things I’m going to do to you…”

Some time later, Andrew and Jessica are on a large, expensive boat that is taking them back to the island. The journey is a long one. Andrew and Jessica frequently pass the time together in a bedroom that is on the boat. Jessica seems to have a very voracious appetite for Andrew, indulging in him as much as possible, as if she knows that she won’t be able to have such frequent, exclusive access to him after he gets to the island.

Andrew considers this time with Jessica to be just a small preview of the carnal delights apparently awaiting him on the island. I’m finally getting the happy ending I deserve, Andrew thinks.

Eventually, Andrew and Jessica arrive on the island. Andrew is greeted by a bevy of beautiful women who have been waiting for him. They, along with Jessica, escort Andrew to the island’s castle, where he was previously a prisoner.

Andrew, Jessica, and the other beautiful women enter the castle. He intends to settle in quickly, then begin indulging in these women surrounding him.

Jessica, who is standing next to Andrew, says: “Andrew, I just want you to know, I very much enjoyed our time together on the boat… and if it were up to me and the other beautiful women of this island, you really would become the ruler of the island.”

“What… what are you talking about?” Andrew says, suddenly sensing that something is very wrong.

Much to Andrew’s horror, Ilgana appears, standing at the top of a staircase overlooking Andrew and the beautiful women surrounding him.

“No…” Andrew says, taking in Ilgana’s hideousness. “It can’t be. Ilgana? But you were overthrown and exiled!”

Ilgana is looking down at Andrew and sneering at him. “I was never overthrown and never exiled,” she says. “You’ve fallen into my trap, Andrew Squervil. And now, you’re mine again. You’re mine, Andrew Squervil. Now, it’s time for you to go back in your prison cell, where you belong.”

Before Andrew can attempt to avoid being imprisoned, Jessica hits Andrew on the head with a large object, causing him to become unconscious. When he regains consciousness, he is trapped inside a locked prison cell in the dungeon of Ilgana’s castle.

EPISODE 59: RELEASE FROM THE ISLAND

In an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, there is an island that is owned and ruled by a hideous, wealthy woman named Ilgana. Ilgana lives in a castle on the island.

The island is populated almost exclusively by many, many stunningly beautiful women. They are all models from various countries. The island is an exclusive resort for them, a place where they can escape from all the stressors that come from being a female model.

In Ilgana’s castle, there is a dungeon. And in that dungeon, there is a locked prison cell, which contains Ilgana’s only prisoner, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil. Andrew, who is very good at seducing beautiful women, came to Ilgana’s island with the intention of indulging in all the fleshy delights the island had to offer. Unfortunately for Andrew, that did not occur. Shortly after he arrived on the island, the island’s ruler, Ilgana, who does not like Andrew, had him imprisoned in the prison cell in her castle’s dungeon. He has been trapped there for a very, very long time, constantly tormented by the knowledge that all those beautiful, easy-to-seduce women are out of his reach.

One day, a short, slightly overweight, dark-haired woman who Andrew has never seen before enters the dungeon. She is wearing a form-fitting, zebra-colored dress that outlines her plump body. She is also wearing glittery, silver, high-heeled shoes, which make a lot of noise as she walks. Andrew would find her attractive if only she wasn’t overweight. Because of her weight, however, Andrew instead finds her hideous, and her zebra-colored dress and glittery shoes only magnify the disgust he feels when looking at her.

The woman smiles at Andrew. In an absurdly cheerful tone, she says: “Hello! You must be Andrew Squervil! My name is Tracey Blerp! I’m the new owner and ruler of this island. I purchased it from Ilgana.”

“Ilgana is gone?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Tracey says. “She’s been gone for a while, actually. I purchased the island from her a few weeks ago, and she moved away shortly thereafter. She had become bored with the island and left to pursue other endeavors. And now I’m in charge of this island!”

“Oh,” Andrew says, cynical. “Let me guess: you’re going to tell me that I’m still going to be a prisoner, just your prisoner now instead of Ilgana’s.”

“On the contrary!” Tracey says. “I don’t agree at all with Ilgana’s decision to imprison you. That’s why I’m here: to release you. I would have come sooner, but I’ve been so tied up with other priorities these past few weeks. But I told myself this morning that I wouldn’t put this off any longer, and that releasing you would be the very first task I complete today, immediately after my daily morning massage.”

With a key that she is holding, Tracey unlocks the prison cell. She opens the cell’s door. “You’re free, Andrew,” she says. “I’ve made arrangements for someone to transport you back to your home country.”

Andrew exits the prison cell, feeling like he is finally entering paradise. “Thanks,” he says, trying to stay on Tracey’s good side. “But I don’t want to leave the island. I’d prefer to continue living on the island, but freely, with you and all the other women.”

“What other women?” Tracey says.

“The female models,” Andrew says, suddenly feeling very worried. “The many, many female models that live on this island.”

Tracey shakes her head dismissively. “They’re all gone,” she says. “I don’t like female models. They cause regular-looking women like myself to have poor self-images. I don’t want any female models on my island. As soon as I purchased the island from Ilgana, I evicted every one of those female models. They’ve all gone back to their respective countries.”

Andrew wants to cry.

EPISODE 60: AN ALMOST PERFECT SCENARIO

On an island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, there is a castle. The castle belongs to a very wealthy, dark-haired, overweight woman named Tracey Blerp. Tracey is the owner and ruler of the island.

At the moment, Tracey is laying on an absurdly large bed in her castle’s master bedroom. Laying next to her on the bed is a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil. Andrew met Tracey earlier today, and completed his seduction of her a few minutes ago.

“That was a wonderful treat,” Tracey says.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says, lying. In actuality, he finds her hideous. He only seduced Tracey because he is trying to con her into marriage to gain access to her wealth. Andrew wants to become rich so badly. For him, his intimate encounter with Tracey was an odious-but-necessary task he needed to complete to help achieve his goal.

At the moment, Andrew is staring at the bedroom’s ceiling and imaging a scenario in which he is married to Tracey and lives in this castle with her, along with many, many live-in maids, all of whom are stunningly beautiful women, and all of whom Andrew carefully selected to be hired, and all of whom Andrew is secretly cheating on Tracey with. For Andrew, that is an almost perfect scenario, and would be a perfect scenario if only it didn’t involve being married to Tracey and having regular intimate encounters with her. But Andrew is willing to continue enduring Tracey’s fat body if it means being rich. Andrew wants to become rich so badly.

Andrew decides that this is a good time to begin the next phase of his plan: issuing a marriage proposal to Tracey. He turns to her, and, speaking in a tone that has charmed and manipulated so many other women, says: “Tracey, during the short time that we’ve known each other, I’ve fallen deeply in love with you. I want to be more than just your lover. I want to be your husband. Will you marry me?”

Andrew expects Tracey to respond in the same way that he would expect any fat, repulsive woman to react to a marriage proposal from a physically attractive man like Andrew Squervil.

However, instead, Tracey laughs cruelly. “I’m not as gullible as you think, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “You’re not the first sleazy loser who’s tried to marry me for my money. And you won’t be the last.”

EPISODE 61: THE RETURN OF UNFORTUNATE ANDREW

Following a disappointing stay on an island, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil returns to his home country and moves back into the apartment he was living in before leaving for the island. Andrew, who has major money problems, also resumes his previous arrangement with the apartment’s hideous, obese female landlord, in which she lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew hates his life.

EPISODE 62: INVITATION TO PARADISE

During an afternoon, on a street, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is being pummeled mercilessly by many, many angry people. This situation is the result of Andrew’s recent failed attempt to marry a beautiful heiress named Georgina for her money.

Andrew, who has major money problems, has a goal to become rich. He has intended to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. When Andrew embarked on this goal, he thought it would be easy to accomplish. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. So he figured it would be quite easy to con a rich, beautiful woman into marriage. But thus far, all of Andrew’s attempts have ended badly for him.

Since beginning his quest for wealth, Andrew has experienced many forms of suffering, including but not limited to: imprisonments; being electrocuted by a stun gun; being stranded at sea; intimate encounters with women he finds hideous; being immersed in animal excrement; public humiliation; and many, many merciless beatings.

While the angry people are pummeling Andrew on the street, with no end in sight, a woman is standing elsewhere on the street, watching the spectacle from a distance. Her name is Sheila.

Sheila thinks: poor Andrew.

She turns around and begins walking back to the apartment building that she lives in, the same apartment building that Andrew lives in.

As Sheila is walking, various men she passes on the streets stare at her discreetly, as she is a physically attractive woman, the type of woman Andrew would gladly marry if she was also rich. In response to the stares of all those men who aren’t Andrew Squervil, Sheila thinks: not for you, fellows.

Sheila arrives at the apartment building. On her way into the building, she passes by the apartment building’s hideous, obese female landlord. They exchange greetings as they pass each other, even though Sheila secretly dislikes the landlord. Unbeknownst to the landlord and Andrew, Sheila is aware of the landlord’s arrangement with Andrew, in which the landlord lets Andrew live in his apartment for free in exchange for being the landlord’s plaything. Because of that arrangement, Sheila is insanely jealous of the landlord, and also angry at her for taking advantage of Andrew’s major money problems. Sheila knows that Andrew must loathe every moment that he is with that hideous landlord.

Before going into her apartment, Sheila stops by Andrew’s mailbox in the apartment building’s hallway. Using a key that she obtained illegally, Sheila unlocks the mailbox and takes out its content: a single envelope addressed to Andrew. Suspicious, Sheila takes the envelope with her into her apartment, intending to further inspect the envelope in there, much like she has done with previous envelopes she found in Andrew’s mailbox.

Sheila’s apartment is directly below Andrew’s apartment. Sheila moved into her apartment shortly after learning of Andrew’s existence and simultaneously becoming romantically obsessed with him. She considers it a sign and a blessing from some higher power that the apartment directly below Andrew’s apartment was available to rent.

Sheila walks into her apartment’s bathroom, and stands in the shower. She knows that her shower is directly below the shower in Andrew’s apartment. Because of the proximity of their apartments, Sheila has been able to hear when Andrew is using the shower in his apartment. Because of various cracks in the apartment building’s structure, much of the water produced when Andrew is using his shower will leak through to Sheila’s bathroom. On many, many occasions that Andrew has used his shower, Sheila has stood in her shower, allowing the water leaking from the ceiling to rain down on her, causing her much ecstasy, as she knows she is being bathed with water that has been graced by Andrew’s well-toned body.

Sheila walks into her apartment’s bedroom and faces a large mirror that is hanging on one of the bedroom’s walls. Standing next to her and also facing the mirror is a life-size, man-shaped doll that is wearing a tuxedo. Taped on the doll’s face is an up-close photograph of Andrew’s face. Sheila took the picture of Andrew while he was laying unconscious on a street, shortly after he’d been beaten mercilessly by several people as a result of one of his failed attempts to marry a rich woman for her money. Because of that beating, Andrew’s face is very bruised and swollen in the photograph, but that does not concern Sheila at all. No matter how many bruises are on Andrew’s face at any time, he is to Sheila the most handsome man who has ever existed.

Sheila hasn’t introduced herself to Andrew, but she intends to someday. She does not think she is worthy yet. However, she is absolutely certain that, someday, she will receive a sign from a higher power telling her that she has become worthy of Andrew’s love. She intends to carry out her plans for her and Andrew as soon as she receives that sign.

While standing in front of the mirror and next to the doll version of Andrew, Sheila imagines that she and Andrew are facing a minister, getting married. In Sheila’s mind, the minister says: “I now pronounce you husband and wife. Sheila, from this day forward, you are Missus Sheila Squervil.”

Sheila closes her eyes, absorbing the pleasure of her fantasy as much as she can. “Missus… Sheila… Squervil…” she says.

Then she opens her eyes, remembering the mysterious envelope addressed to Andrew. She opens the envelope and takes out its contents: a letter and a photograph. Sheila looks at the photograph, which is of a very, very beautiful woman. Sheila then begins reading the letter, which says:

“Dear Andrew,

I hope you are well. I know that the last time we saw each other was under very unpleasant circumstances for you, but I hope you can overlook that. I think about you often, Andrew. Before you left my island, and before I discovered your infidelity, I trusted you, and I was deeply in love with you, and I wanted to marry you, and I wanted to share all my wealth with you, including my mansion and my island. I intended for us to live happily ever after together, in a committed, monogamous marriage. But that fantasy was shattered when I walked into my mansion’s parlor and found you kissing my maid. I felt deeply betrayed by you, Andrew. That is why I canceled our wedding, and why I punished you so severely. For a long time after you left my island, I continued to hate you so very much. But then my feelings for you began to change. I’ve had much time to reflect on the situation, and I’ve come to realize that I was wrong, not you. After all, after we had met, I gained so much weight, going from being stunningly beautiful to monstrously fat. My weight gain was unfair to you. If I hadn’t gotten fat, perhaps you wouldn’t have cheated on me with that shapely maid. Or perhaps you would have anyway. But either way, I’m now accepting of that behavior. You’re my soul mate, and if it’s your desire to have intimate encounters with other women, then I should be accepting of that. I am writing this letter to you, Andrew Squervil, my soul mate, to let you know that I now see the error of my ways. Please, please, please, come back to my island and become my husband. To satisfy you, I’ve lost all that excess weight I had gained, and I’m now beautiful again. I’ve included a recent photograph of myself as proof. And, I assure you, if you become my husband, you will have full control of my wealth, and I will have no problem with you having intimate encounters with other women. Please come back to me, Andrew. I’ll be waiting for you.”

Sincerely,

Eternia”

Sheila looks at the photograph again, observing that Eternia is indeed beautiful. Sheila looks at the letter again. She knows that, in her hands, is a happy ending for Andrew Squervil, access to everything he desires: wealth; beautiful women; a mansion; in total, a life of absolute luxury. Sheila knows that all she has to do to allow Andrew to achieve his much-desired goal is put this letter and this photograph back into Andrew’s mailbox for him to find.

But this happy ending is contradictory to Sheila’s plans for her and Andrew, plans that will give Sheila the happy ending that she desires, and that most certainly will cause Andrew much, much additional misery.

Sheila destroys the letter and the photograph, ensuring that no remnant of either object remains. She looks at the bruised, swollen, unhappy face of her Andrew doll and says, in a menacing tone: “You’re mine, Andrew Squervil.”

EPISODE 63: MONTAGE OF HIDEOUS WOMEN

During an evening, in a tavern, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is sitting at the tavern’s bar and drinking an alcoholic beverage and thinking bitterly about his most recent failed attempt to become rich.

The bartender on duty, who knows Andrew from his many previous visits to the tavern, says to Andrew discreetly: “Hey Andrew, that woman sitting at the other end of the bar is checking you out.”

Andrew briefly looks at the woman sitting at the opposite end of the bar and doesn’t like what he sees. She is fat. And she is wearing a repulsive glittery gold low-cut dress. And she has a very unnatural-looking, excessive tan, like she has spent too much time inside a tanning machine. And she is wearing glittery pink lipstick, which does not go well with her overly tan face. And her fingernails are too long and are painted in various glittery colors. And she has long, wavy dark hair, the one part of her that Andrew doesn’t find repulsive.

Andrew turns back to the bartender. “She’s hideous,” Andrew says. “I would never, ever be interested in someone like her.”

The bartender says: “She’s not completely hideous. Her hair is okay. And anyway, based on some of the stories you’ve told me about yourself, it sounds like you’ve been with women far more unattractive than her.”

The bartender’s statement causes Andrew to become lost in thought. As a horrible song plays on the tavern’s jukebox, he sees in his mind a montage of the many, many hideous women he has been with: Pustilla; Keeka; Ferga; Strinella; Barbara; Tracey; and many, many more.

Andrew snaps out of the montage when he realizes that the hideous woman at the other end of the bar is now standing next to him, smiling at him.

Up close, her face bears a very faint resemblance to the face of a beautiful rich woman from Andrew’s past named Koila. Andrew, who is not rich, has been on a quest to become rich. Some time after beginning this quest, he managed to trick Koila into falling in love with him and they became engaged. He intended to marry her, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Unfortunately for Andrew, shortly before the date that he and Koila were scheduled to be married, Koila found out that Andrew had been cheating on her with another woman. Koila called off her engagement to Andrew and broke up with him. The woman in the tavern looks like she could be an ugly, distant relative of Koila.

“Hello,” the woman in the tavern says, speaking in an accent that is very different from Koila’s accent. “My name is Loika. I’m a rich, single heiress.”

Andrew suddenly sees what he believes to be an opportunity. “You’re rich?” he says. “Uh, I mean, my name is Andrew. It’s nice to meet you. Can I buy you a drink?”

“Yes,” Loika says. “You can buy me a drink.”

Later, after they have spoken for a while, Andrew suggests to Loika that they go to her mansion.

“My mansion is so far away,” Loika says. “Let’s go to a nearby hotel instead.”

“Okay,” Andrew says.

They leave the tavern and go to a nearby hotel. After they’ve checked into a hotel room, they complete their intimate encounter on the hotel room’s bed. Andrew found it to be an odious-but-necessary task. He thinks: soon, I will have access to all this fat slut’s money.

“That was totally awesome,” Loika says, laying next to Andrew on the bed.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says, lying. “Loika, in the short time that we’ve known each other, I’ve fallen deeply in love with you. You’ve arisen feelings in me that no other woman ever has. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

“Andrew, of course I will marry you!” Loika says. “My answer is yes! Yes, yes, yes!”

“Wonderful!” Andrew says, thinking that his quest to become rich might soon be over.

“But Andrew… there’s something you need to know about me,” Loika says. “I have a confession to make: I’m not really rich.”

“What?!” Andrew says.

“I lied to you,” Loika says. “I’d seen you in the tavern on previous nights, and I’d overheard you talking to the bartender about how you’re trying to become rich. So I thought you would be interested in me if you thought I was rich. But that doesn’t matter now, does it? You still want to marry me, don’t you?”

“You tricked me!” Andrew says. “I can’t believe I had an intimate encounter with you for nothing! You hideous monster! Our engagement is off!”

Andrew gets up and gets dressed and leaves the hotel angrily.

A few minutes later, Loika gets up and gets dressed and leaves the hotel. She goes back to her mansion. When she enters her mansion, she sees her live-in maid, a woman named Tresella. Tresella hands Loika a towel. Loika, who is actually Andrew’s rich ex-fiancee Koila, uses the towel to wipe off her glittery pink lipstick and also the vast amount of make-up that she had applied to her face to make herself have an unappealing, overly tan complexion and also be completely unrecognizable to Andrew. Without the lipstick and make-up, her face now looks quite pretty, and she is now actually recognizable as Koila. Koila then removes the wig that she was wearing to conceal her real hair. Koila then removes the fake, overly long, glittery, multi-colored fingernails she had been wearing over her real fingernails. Koila then removes the yucky glittery gold low-cut dress that she had carefully selected to wear. She then removes the thoroughly lifelike overly tan ‘fat woman’ body suit that she’d been wearing and that had been concealing her real body, which is petite and shapely. Tresella hands Koila a red robe. Koila puts the robe on.

“So how did it go?” Tresella says.

“As I expected,” Koila says, speaking in her actual accent now. “Andrew had an intimate encounter with ‘Loika’ and issued her a marriage proposal, but then rejected her when he found out she wasn’t rich.”

“So Andrew failed your test,” Tresella says.

“Yes,” Koila says. “He hasn’t changed at all since I last saw him. He’s still a sleazy, cruel, horrible person. And he always will be. I’m not giving him any more chances. Though I’m not done having my fun with him. I quite enjoyed seeing the miserable look on Andrew’s face when he was having an intimate encounter with ‘Loika’, trying his best to endure her disgusting, fat body, just to get access to her wealth. It’s amazing what misery he will endure to become rich! I’m going to put him through that suffering again and again… and again and again and again!”

“But how?” Tresella says. “He’s already met ‘Loika’ and she’s already told him that she’d not rich.”

“Yes, but I will visit him again in other, different ‘hideous fat woman’ disguises,” Koila says. “I’ll play new ‘hideous fat woman’ characters who will mislead Andrew into thinking they’re rich, and will then tell him otherwise after he’s had intimate encounters with them. I’ll give him hope and then take it away, over and over again. It will be so much fun.”

“That does sound fun,” Tresella says.

Koila and Tresella both grin evilly.

EPISODE 64: PLATINUM

During a morning, a sleazy, formerly rich man named Andrew Squervil wakes up in his bed in his crummy apartment. On Andrew’s chest and various other parts of his body are absurdly large red lipstick stains. They were given to Andrew last night by his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her personal plaything. Andrew does not like this living arrangement, but he has major money problems and this is, unfortunately, the best living option currently available to him.

However, despite still having the taste of his female landlord in his mouth, Andrew is in a good mood this morning. That is because he expects that his financial problems will be coming to an end very, very soon, perhaps before the end of the day. If all goes as planned, by the end of today, he will be rich again, and he will also have carnal access to a bevy of beautiful women, and he can finally stop being his hideous female landlord’s plaything.

Later, in the early afternoon, Andrew, who is now fully-dressed and carrying a briefcase, arrives at a sleek-looking office building, which multiple successful corporations operate out of. He enters the building and travels to its third floor, which is occupied entirely by a single corporation.

Andrew walks up to the front desk area, where a stunningly beautiful female receptionist is sitting. She is wearing a very revealing platinum dress.

Upon seeing Andrew, she smiles at him and says: “Hello. How can I help you today, sir?”

“Hello,” Andrew says, certain that he will eventually get to be with this woman. “My name is Andrew Squervil. I’m here for an appointment I have with Troy Martel.”

“Hello, Mister Squervil,” the receptionist says. “Mister Martel is waiting for you in his office. Let me take you to him.”

She gets up and begins leading Andrew to his destination. As they are walking there, they begin passing through a very large room where there are several rows of desks. On each desk is a computer and various office supplies. Sitting at each desk is a stunningly beautiful woman. Each woman is wearing a very revealing platinum dress.

“It’s quite a view, isn’t it?” the receptionist says, referring to the view of the city from a very large window on one of the room’s walls.

“Yes,” Andrew says, discreetly looking at all of the beautiful women in the room. “A glorious view indeed.”

The receptionist and Andrew arrive at a door at one end of the room. On the door is a gold name plaque that has the words “Troy Martel: President and Chief Executive Officer” imprinted on it. The receptionist opens the door, revealing a very large, prestigious-looking office. In the office, sitting at a very large, expensive-looking desk is a handsome, slick-looking man wearing a suit. He appears to be about the same age as Andrew.

“Andrew Squervil is here to see you now, Mister Martel,” the receptionist says.

“Ah yes, Andrew Squervil,” Troy Martel says. “I’ve been looking forward to our meeting. Please come in and have a seat.”

Andrew enters the office and sits down, secretly amused by the thought that this man will soon hate him.

“Do you need anything else of me right now, Mister Martel?” the receptionist says.

“No, that will be all, Suslova,” Troy says.

“Are you sure?” the receptionist, Suslova, says, seeming quite eager to please her boss.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Troy says.

“If you need anything else of me, don’t hesitate to ask,” Suslova says. “Your wish is my command. I would do anything to please you, Mister Martel. Anything.”

“Thanks, Suslova,” Troy says.

Suslova closes the office door, leaving Andrew and Troy alone in the office together.

“She seems like a great employee,” Andrew says.

“Yes, she’s terrific,” Troy says. He looks at a very large framed photograph hanging on one of the office’s walls. In the photograph, Suslova and all of the other beautiful female employees that Andrew saw on his way to Troy’s office are standing together and wearing revealing platinum dresses and smiling at the camera. “All of my employees are terrific,” Troy says. “Great employees are the foundation of a successful business. That’s why I’m very careful about who I hire to work for me. Before hiring the employees you see in this photograph, I personally conducted a very thorough evaluation of each of them.”

“I’m sure you did,” Andrew says, looking at the photograph.

Troy says to Andrew: “So let me start by telling you about my corporation, and how we could help you develop and expand your small business. Since its inception, my corporation has provided rapid funding to thousands of small businesses such as yours. Through cash advances from us, those companies have been able to meet their goals, and exceed them. Within six months of receiving a loan from us, your small business will-”

“Let me stop you,” Andrew says. “I don’t have a small business, and I have no interest in receiving a loan from your corporation.”

“Oh,” Troy says, confused and annoyed. “So why are you here? Why did you set up this appointment with me?”

“I’m here to blackmail you,” Andrew says.

Troy has an incredulous look on his face. “What are you talking about?” Troy says.

“I will explain,” Andrew says. “Does the name Patricia Fershteyn mean anything to you?”

“Of course,” Troy says. “That’s my wife’s sister.”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “The sister of your wife, Jennifer. Patricia and Jennifer: two wealthy heiresses. I met Patricia a few weeks ago in a nightclub located in a very wealthy neighborhood. A lot of rich, single women visit this nightclub. That’s why I went there: I have a goal: to become rich: and I’ve been trying to con a rich woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. It was in that nightclub that I met Patricia. She told me she was rich and single. As you know, that second part was a lie: she has a husband, and he was away on some trip, and she was in the nightclub looking to find a disposable stud who she could have some fun with before her husband returned. I ended up being that disposable stud. We left the nightclub together and went to her and her husband’s mansion, which, at the time, I thought belonged only to her. In the mansion, Patricia and I had our intimate encounter, and the whole time I thought I was on my way to becoming rich. Afterwards, she started crying. At first, I thought her tears were tears of joy caused by the great experience I had just provided her with. But it turned out she was upset. Pretending to care, I asked her what was wrong. Patricia told me she was thinking about her sister, Jennifer, who she was worried about. Patricia told me that, a few years ago, Jennifer had gotten married to a sleazy, non-rich loser named Troy Martel; and that Jennifer was madly in love with Troy, but Patricia didn’t like or trust Troy, and was convinced that Troy had only married Jennifer to gain access to her wealth; and that, because of that distrust, prior to the wedding, Patricia convinced Jennifer to have Troy sign a prenuptial agreement, one which said that, if Troy ever abandoned or divorced Jennifer, or was caught cheating on her, Jennifer could annul the marriage without Troy’s consent, and all of their shared money and shared assets and any corporations Troy might own would be taken away from Troy and would belong exclusively to Jennifer; and that, some time after the start of their marriage, Troy used some of his and Jennifer’s money to start and operate a corporation; and that Troy purchased office space for the corporation to operate out of; and that Troy hired many employees to work for his corporation; and that every employee he hired was a beautiful woman; and that, though Patricia had no proof, she was certain that Troy was cheating on Jennifer with some or perhaps all of those beautiful female employees; and that, Jennifer didn’t think that Troy was cheating on her; and that she wouldn’t be convinced without proof; and that Patricia was upset because she hadn’t been able to find any proof to convince Jennifer that her husband was a sleazy, unfaithful loser who she would be better off without.”

Troy is staring at Andrew blankly. “Then what happened?” Troy says.

“Then Patricia’s husband arrived at the mansion unexpectedly,” Andrew says. “He had come home much earlier than Patricia had expected. He saw me and Patricia and immediately figured out that Patricia had cheated on him with me. Before I realized what was happening, he knocked me to the ground, and then whipped me with his belt for a very, very long time. It was around that time that I realized Patricia was a married woman. Eventually, I escaped from the mansion and her husband’s wrath. I was very angry about how that situation with Patricia had turned out. But then I remembered all she had told me about you and Jennifer and your sexy female employees. And I realized that the situation with Patricia hadn’t been a total loss. I realized that I would indeed become rich, just by a different method: by blackmailing you. You’re going to withdraw and give me a very large amount of money from your and your wife’s bank account, enough to make me rich. You can explain the ‘mysterious disappearance’ of that portion of your savings to your wife any way you want. But giving me a portion of your money isn’t all you’re going to do for me: you’re also going to transfer your ownership of this corporation to me. This office is going to be my office. And all those beautiful women are going to be employed by me, not you. And I will seduce each and every one of them, just like you did.”

“This is all insane, and you’re an idiot,” Troy says. “Patricia was wrong: I love my wife and I have never, ever cheated on her.”

Andrew sneers. “I have proof,” he says. “Lots and lots of proof. And if you don’t give me what I want, I will show that proof to your wife, and you will no longer be rich.”

Troy is sweating now. “You don’t have proof,” he says. “You couldn’t possibly have proof because I’ve never cheated on my wife with any of those women.”

“I’ve been following you for several days,” Andrew says. “And during that time, I obtained photographs that unequivocally prove that you have been cheating on your wife with each and every one of your female employees. I brought copies for you. See for yourself.” Andrew opens his briefcase. From his briefcase, he begins to take out the copies of the photographs he brought with him.

“No, don’t!” Troy says.

Andrew tosses the copies of the photographs onto Troy’s desk. In each image, Troy is entering a motel room with one of his beautiful female employees or making out with one of his beautiful female employees in his car.

“You had every one of them,” Andrew says. “And unless you give me what I want, your wife will learn about your infidelity, and you will be ruined.”

Troy takes a deep, frustrated breath. “My wife has already learned about my infidelity… and I’m already ruined… you idiot,” he says.

Troy looks up at the ceiling, causing Andrew to look up as well. Above them, attached to the ceiling, is a video camera.

“Patricia didn’t tell you everything,” Troy says. “My wife, Jennifer, had that video camera installed in my office, so she could watch me while I’m at work and make sure I wasn’t carrying on any office affairs. The video is streamed live to a group of professionals she hired. While I’m at work, they have been constantly monitoring me, with instructions to notify my wife immediately if they catch any signs of me engaging in infidelity. That’s why I was carrying on my affairs elsewhere, instead of here in the office. Right now, my wife is being notified of these images you’ve placed on my desk. And she will undoubtably end our marriage and I will lose everything, as per the prenuptial agreement. So your blackmail scheme has failed, Andrew Squervil. You won’t get any money from me, and you won’t get my corporation either, because that will all be my wife’s now. All you’ve succeeded in doing is ruining me.” Troy stands up. “So there’s really only one thing left to do now,” he says.

From under his desk, Troy grabs a baseball bat that he had kept hidden there for emergencies. Before Andrew can react, Troy whacks Andrew over his head with the baseball bat. Troy continues to pummel Andrew mercilessly with the bat.

Later, Andrew returns to his crummy apartment, feeling very defeated. He enters his bedroom. Much to his dismay, his hideous, obese female landlord is there, laying on his bed.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Andrew Squervil,” she says.

“I know,” Andrew says sadly.

He begins walking toward her.

EPISODE 65: BLOWPIPE

During an evening, in an upscale nightclub that is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women, a sleazy non-rich man named Andrew Squervil is sitting at the bar and talking with a rich, beautiful, single woman sitting next to him. Andrew met her only a few minutes ago. Their conversation is going well. She is quite taken with him.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew wants to become rich and he sees this rich woman as his opportunity to do so. He intends to seduce her and then marry her for her money.

Unfortunately for Andrew, a woman he doesn’t know named Sheila is nearby, sitting alone at a table in a dark corner of the room. Unbeknownst to Andrew, Sheila is obsessed with Andrew and has been stalking him for some time. Sheila intends to make Andrew hers some day.

Sheila is employed as a paralegal at a very busy law firm. It is a very demanding job that often requires her to work late. Because of her job, she doesn’t have time to stalk Andrew as much as she’d like to.

Today has been a fortunate day for Sheila, as she managed to leave work early, giving her the opportunity to follow Andrew into this nightclub and admire him from afar.

Sheila doesn’t like the rich woman Andrew is chatting with. Sheila dislikes all women who are interested in Andrew.

Now, at the bar, Andrew and the rich woman are kissing each other. Andrew is certain that he is very, very close to achieving his goal to become rich.

“I don’t think so, Andrew Squervil,” Sheila says, too far away from Andrew and anyone else to be heard.

From her dark corner of the room, Sheila takes a very small blowpipe out of her purse. The blowpipe looks like a cigarette and contains extremely tiny, barely visible darts, all of which contain a drug that temporarily knocks out its victims. After her obsession with Andrew started, Sheila obtained this blowpipe and these darts to deal with situations like this one.

Sheila aims the blowpipe at Andrew and blows into it, shooting a dart at him. The dart hits him in the back of his neck, then falls to the ground. The entire incident was unseen by Andrew or the rich woman or anyone else in the nightclub, and Andrew did not even feel the dart prick him ever so briefly. He and the rich woman are still making out with each other.

Then the drug from the dart takes effect, causing Andrew to become unconscious and fall to the floor.

The rich woman is looking down at Andrew’s unconscious body, confused by this unexpected turn of events.

Annoyed at Andrew for being unconscious, she gets up and leaves the tavern.

Sheila is staring at Andrew, waiting for him to regain consciousness so she can see the annoyed, bewildered expression on his face when he realizes that he passed out and that the rich woman is gone. Sheila always finds Andrew’s facial expressions so adorable.

EPISODE 66: AN UNFORTUNATE COINCIDENCE FOR UNFORTUNATE ANDREW

During an afternoon, in a city largely considered to be a utopia, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is walking on a street, heading toward his crummy apartment. Andrew is having a bad day. Earlier today, he failed to con a rich woman into marriage for her money. Despite Andrew’s efforts, he was unable to trick her into falling in love with him. She saw Andrew for what he really is: a sleazy, selfish loser.

As Andrew is walking on the street, he wonders if he is cursed. Lately, it seems as if everything is going wrong for him.

Then, as if the universe is confirming Andrew’s suspicion, Andrew sees a sight that causes him to stop: a woman from his past named Dominica. Dominica is a tall, very muscular brunette. Andrew encountered Dominica during two of his previous misadventures. At the conclusion of each of those misadventures, Dominica pummeled Andrew mercilessly. Andrew can still remember the painful feeling of Dominica’s meaty fists smashing into his face over and over again.

At the moment, Dominica is walking on the street and has not yet noticed Andrew.

Andrew, standing in stunned silence, remembers what Dominica said to him moments after her most recent pummeling of him: “If I ever see you again, anywhere on this planet, I’m going to pummel you mercilessly… again!”

And now Dominica stops, because she has seen Andrew. And now she is staring at Andrew, quickly recalling their previous encounters. And now Dominica has a furious look on her face and is running toward Andrew. She is running very fast, much faster than Andrew would have expected her to be.

Andrew begins running away from Dominica, but he already knows that it is a futile effort and that he will be reunited with her fists very shortly.

Dominica catches Andrew, then spins him around so that he is facing her. Up close, Andrew realizes that she is even larger and even more muscular than he remembered. She attacks him with a barrage of kicks to various parts of his body. Andrew falls to the ground. Dominica sits on top of him, pinning him down. She proceeds to pummel him mercilessly… again.

EPISODE 67: A DISTASTEFUL DEAL

During an afternoon, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil enters a gym that he knows a woman named Thona is a member of. Andrew only knows this because he once heard Thona mentioning it to a woman named Strinella. Andrew came to the gym specifically to speak with Thona.

Not surprisingly, Thona is in the gym. She is very, very muscular, and needs to be lifting weights in this gym quite regularly to maintain her bodybuilder physique.

At the moment, Thona is flexing in front of a full-length mirror, admiring her physique. She has just finished working out, so her body is covered in sweat and glistening.

Andrew thinks Thona is disgusting. Her bodybuilder physique makes her look far more masculine than feminine to Andrew. She has always looked too much like a man to Andrew. In fact, when he first met her, he thought she was a man… a very, very muscular man who bore only a vague resemblance to a woman. Andrew does not like unattractive women.

As Andrew is walking toward Thona, he can’t help but stare at her sweaty, muscular body. He thinks about how horrible it would be to have an intimate encounter with her. The very thought makes him shudder internally.

Thona sees Andrew’s reflection in the mirror, so she turns around to face him.

“Andrew Squervil,” Thona says, in a smug, derogatory tone. “What brings you here? Did you get lost on your way to a sleazy loser convention?”

Andrew and Thona have always hated each other. Normally, Andrew would not have any interest in speaking with her. But he is desperate.

“I came here to speak with you,” Andrew says. “I want to make an arrangement with you. I heard that Strinella is having a party in her mansion tomorrow, and I want to attend it.”

Strinella is a rich woman who Thona works for as a personal assistant. Andrew is one of Strinella’s former lovers. Strinella sometimes holds exclusive parties at her mansion. At these parties, Thona will be there, admitting newly arrived invitees, and preventing uninvited people from getting into the mansion.

Thona sneers in response to Andrew’s statement. “You’ll never get Strinella back, Andrew,” Thona says. “She’s back together with her husband now and wants nothing more to do with you.”

“I’m not trying to get Strinella back,” Andrew says.

“So why would you want to come to her party?” Thona says.

“Because there are always a lot of very rich single women at Strinella’s parties,” Andrew says. “And I want to become rich.”

“By tricking one of those rich women into falling in love with you and marrying you, giving you access to her wealth,” Thona says. “And you want me to grant you access to the party so you can get the opportunity to meet these women. Why would you ever think that I would help you with this sleazy goal of yours?”

Andrew takes some money out of his pocket. “I’ll give you money,” Andrew says. “I’ll give you this money now, and I’ll give you the same amount after the party.”

“I don’t want your money,” Thona says. “But there is something else I want from you. Something that only you, Andrew Squervil, can give me.”

Andrew gulps. “What would that be?” he says.

“Your sexy, well-toned body,” Thona says.

Andrew gulps again, his fear confirmed.

Later, in a nearby hotel room, Andrew and Thona complete their intimate encounter. It was one of the worst experiences of Andrew’s life.

“That was one of the best experiences of my life,” Thona says.

“So you’ll let me attend Strinella’s party tomorrow?” Andrew says.

Thona laughs cruelly. “No, Andrew,” she says. “I’m reneging on our deal, now that I’ve gotten what I wanted from you. Oh, Andrew, the look on your face is priceless.”

Thona resumes laughing cruelly at Andrew. Her cruel laughter continues as Andrew gets dressed and leaves the hotel room, defeated once again.

EPISODE 68: SUNDRESS BY THE WATER FOUNTAIN

Suddenly, after what seemed like an eternity of failure and disappointment, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil seems to be on his way to achieving his goal of becoming rich. Andrew has become romantically involved with a rich, beautiful, brunette woman named Bellina. Bellina recently accepted a marriage proposal from Andrew. They are scheduled to get married in three weeks. If the marriage does occur, Andrew will gain access to Bellina’s wealth.

At the moment, in the late evening, Andrew and Bellina are in Bellina’s mansion, specifically in Bellina’s bedroom. It is a room that Andrew has already been in many, many times before. Andrew hasn’t yet officially moved into Bellina’s mansion, but he has been spending more and more time there.

At the moment, Andrew and Bellina are standing by the bedroom’s window, looking at the night sky, and Andrew has his arms wrapped around Bellina. This has become one of their nightly routines.

“Oh Andrew, the stars look so lovely tonight,” Bellina says.

“You look so lovely tonight, Bellina,” Andrew says, truthfully. Bellini is wearing a satin red nightgown, which is outlining her shapely body.

“I am so looking forward to our wedding,” Bellina says.

“As am I,” Andrew says.

From the window, Andrew sees a car pull up to the front of the mansion that is directly across the street from Bellina’s mansion. A tall, beautiful, brunette woman gets out of the car from the front passenger side. She waves goodbye to the driver, and the car drives away. She then begins walking toward the front door of the mansion that is directly across the street from Bellina’s mansion.

Andrew notices that Bellina is now looking at this other shapely brunette woman disapprovingly.

“Who is she?” Andrew says.

“Her name is Catalina,” Bellina says. “She lives in that mansion.”

Catalina enters her mansion, then closes its front door.

“Is she a friend of yours?” Andrew says.

“I hate her,” Bellina says. “Last year, she stole my boyfriend from me.”

“That’s horrible!” Andrew says. “What a horrible woman.”

“Yes, I hate her and her tight, shapely body so much,” Bellina says. “Andrew, promise me you’ll never cheat on me with Catalina.”

“Of course I’ll never cheat on you with Catalina!” Andrew says. “I would never even think of doing so! I don’t even find her attractive!”

“Really?” Bellina says. “You don’t find her attractive at all?”

“I think she’s hideous,” Andrew says, lying.

“Oh Andrew, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Bellina says.

She kisses Andrew.

“Let’s go to bed,” she says.

Later in the night, Andrew is laying on Bellina’s bed. Bellina is also laying on the bed. She is wearing her red satin nightgown and is sleeping, with her head rested on Andrew’s chest. Andrew is still awake, but he is drifting off to sleep. The last thing he thinks before he falls asleep is: I’m finally where I belong.

While Andrew and Bellina are sleeping blissfully on Bellina’s bed, a woman named Sheila is standing outside of Bellina’s mansion. Sheila lives in the same apartment building that Andrew lives in. Andrew has never met Sheila, and is not all aware of Sheila’s existence. Sheila, however, is very aware of Andrew’s existence. Sheila is romantically obsessed with Andrew and has been stalking him for quite some time.

Sheila knows that Andrew is in Bellina’s mansion right now, and that makes her angry. Sheila doesn’t like Bellina. Sheila doesn’t want Andrew to get married to Bellina or any other woman who isn’t Sheila. Sheila intends to prevent the wedding of Andrew and Bellina from occurring.

“You’re mine, Andrew Squervil,” Sheila says menancingly.

The next morning, Andrew is on a street, walking toward a gym that he is a member of. Unbeknownst to Andrew, a car is following him. The driver of the car is an attractive female police detective named Debra. In the car’s front passenger seat is Debra’s partner, a male police detective named Gunther. Unbeknownst to Debra, Gunther is madly in love with her.

“Why are we following this guy, Debra?” Gunther says. “Who is he?”

“His name is Andrew Squervil,” Debra says. “And he might be the key to solving the crime we’ve been investigating.”

A few minutes later, Andrew enters the gym, intending to work out. He sees a beautiful, shapely, blond woman named Layla. She is also a member of this gym. Andrew met her during his previous visit to the gym. At the moment, Layla is wearing a pink leotard and blue leggings, and she is stretching.

Andrew walks up to her. “Hello again, Layla,” he says.

“Hello again to you too, Andrew,” Layla says, still stretching. “How’s your job search going?”

Andrew snorts derisively. “Job search?” he says. “Whatever gave you the idea that I’m looking for a job?”

“Oh, I assumed you’re looking to find work because you previously mentioned to me that you’re unemployed,” Layla says. “So you have no interest in working?”

“Layla, the only place I’m interested in working at is between your legs,” Andrew says.

Layla blushes. “I suppose I could set you up for… an interview,” she says flirtatiously.

“And where would this interview take place?” Andrew says.

“How about the hotel across the street from here?” Layla says.

“Sounds good to me,” Andrew says. “Let’s go.”

Later, in the early afternoon, Andrew is in the hotel room in which he and Layla had their intimate encounter. Layla is laying on the bed and watching television. Andrew is getting dressed, getting ready to leave.

“So will you call me?” Layla says.

“Absolutely,” Andrew says, lying.

An hour later, Andrew is back at his crummy apartment. He plans to move out of this apartment and into Bellina’s mansion very, very soon. He doesn’t expect to miss this apartment at all. It contains only bad memories for him. The apartment’s landlord is a hideous, obese woman. Andrew, who has major money problems, has been living in this apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. He has not told Bellina about this arrangement, and has no intention of ever doing so. Andrew has gone through great lengths to conceal his sleaziness from Bellina.

Andrew’s cellular phone starts ringing. Bellina is calling him. Andrew picks up his phone and answers it. “Hello,” he says.

“Hello, Andrew,” Bellina says. “How was your workout at this gym this morning?”

Andrew smirks, thinking of Layla. “It was very good,” he says. “Very good indeed.”

“Are you coming over for dinner tonight?” Bellina says.

“Absolutely,” Andrew says.

“Great,” Bellina says. “See you then.”

“See you then,” Andrew says.

He ends the phone call.

He then looks around the apartment and thinks that he needs to move out soon, as it is only a matter of time before his disgusting female landlord stops by to receive another ‘rent payment’ from him. He smiles, pleased by the thought that he most likely will never be with her again.

He hears the doorbell to his apartment ring. Andrew gulps, fearing that the landlord is here. With sadness, he walks over to the apartment’s front door and opens it.

Much to his relief, the landlord isn’t there. Instead, standing before Andrew are the two police detectives, Debra and Gunther.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” Debra says. “I’m Debra, and this is Gunther. We’re police detectives.”

Debra and Gunther simultaneously flash their police badges at Andrew.

“Can we come in and speak with you?” Gunther says.

“I suppose so,” Andrew says, gazing over Debra’s shapely body. Then he says to Debra: “Though I’d much prefer to speak with just you.”

Debra smiles at Andrew flirtatiously.

“Okay,” she says. “Gunther, go wait in the car.”

Gunther is stunned and confused. “But…” he says. “Debra, what are you… Why would you-”

“Just go wait in the car, Gunther,” Debra says, still smiling at Andrew flirtatiously. “I won’t be long.”

“Or maybe you will,” Andrew says, arrogantly.

With sadness, Gunther begins walking away, back to his and Debra’s police car. Gunther thinks: she can’t possibly really be interested in that sleazy loser; she must be just trying to manipulate him; yes, that’s all that’s going on. But Gunther isn’t certain. Not certain at all.

Debra enters Andrew’s apartment, then closes its front door.

“So what do you need to speak with me about?” Andrew says.

“Do you know a woman named Sheila?” Debra says.

Andrew does not know how to best answer the question. He has seduced and subsequently abandoned many, many women. It’s possible that one or more of those women was named Sheila.

He answers by saying: “No, I don’t know anyone named Sheila.”

“She’s your neighbor,” Debra says. “She lives in the apartment directly below yours.”

“I’ve never met her,” Andrew says.

“A very serious crime was recently committed,” Debra says. “We have reason to believe that it was Sheila who committed this crime.”

“What was the crime?” Andrew says.

“That’s classified information,” Debra says. “I can’t reveal that to you.”

“What can you reveal to me?” Andrew says, gazing at Debra’s blouse.

“I can reveal to you that we haven’t yet been able to arrest Sheila for this crime,” Debra says. “We don’t have any solid proof that she did it. We will need proof in order to be allowed to arrest her and get her convicted of the crime. That’s where you come in.”

“Me?” Andrew says.

“I’ve been investigating Sheila for a while now, and I have good reason to believe that she plans to eventually meet with you and reveal to you that she committed the crime,” Debra says. “I’d like you to get me a recording of Sheila admitting that she committed the crime. That recording would be all the proof I need to solve the crime and get her locked away for a long, long time.”

“Why would she tell me what she did?” Andrew says. “She and I don’t even know each other.”

“You may not know her, but she definitely knows you,” Debra says.

“What do you mean by that?” Andrew says.

“I can’t elaborate any further on that,” Debra says. “It’s classified information.”

“Okay, fine,” Andrew says, annoyed, and wondering how much longer this foreplay will go on for. “Let’s say, in theory, I agree to help you. What’s in it for me?”

“The joy of knowing you aided the criminal justice system,” Debra says.

Andrew stares at her blankly. “What else?” he says.

“Well, there’s also a financial reward,” Debra says. “But I can’t tell you the exact amount. It’s classified information. But let’s just say, with this reward money, you won’t have to worry about paying your rent for a long, long time.” She winks at Andrew. “Oh, and there’s one more thing I can offer: if you help me catch Sheila, I’ll arrange for your criminal record to be completely expunged,” Debra says. “Potential employers will be more likely to hire you if they’re not aware of your previous criminal convictions.”

“‘Potential future employers’?” Andrew says. “What makes you think I want to get a job?”

“Oh, I just assumed that, since I know you’re unemployed,” Debra says. “So you have no interest in working?”

“Debra, the only place I’m interested in working at is between your legs,” Andrew says.

“We’ll get to that shortly,” Debra says. “But first: will you agree to help me catch Sheila?”

“I’ll have to think it over,” Andrew says, even though he’s already decided that he won’t help Debra. “I’ll get back to you about it in a few days.”

“Okay,” Debra says. “That’s fair. I’ll give you my phone number before I leave. You do intend to call me, correct?”

“Of course I intend to call you,” Andrew says, lying. “Now that that matter is out of the way… If you think your partner outside won’t mind waiting longer… Much, much longer…”

Debra smiles flirtatiously again and begins moving closer to Andrew.

A few minutes later, while Andrew and Debra are having an intimate encounter on the floor of Andrew’s apartment, Debra accidentally and unknowingly turns on the handheld transceiver in the back pocket of her pants. Nearby, in the police car parked outside the apartment building, Gunther is sitting in the car’s front passenger seat, and holding his handheld transceiver, and crying in response to the sound of Debra’s passionate screams of joy coming from the handheld transceiver.

“Debra…” Gunther says, tears streaming down his face.

Later, in the late afternoon, Andrew is in the upper-class neighborhood where Bellina’s mansion is located. He is outside, on a street, walking to Bellina’s mansion.

Taking a shortcut to Bellina’s mansion, Andrew begins walking through a park. The park is very large and very beautiful. It is in the center of the neighborhood. The park is considered to be one of the most beautiful parks in the universe. Ironically, it is almost always devoid of people. Most of the people in this universe have no interest in visiting a nice park.

In the park is a water fountain. Andrew notices that Catalina, the tall, sexy, brunette, boyfriend-stealing, female neighbor of Bellina, is laying by the water fountain, just inches away from it. Catalina is wearing dark-rimmed eyeglasses and a sundress. She is laying on her side and holding a book that she is reading. Andrew thinks that this is one of the most beautiful sights he has ever witnessed. He walks toward her.

Catalina looks up from her book, noticing Andrew. They are the only people in the entire park.

Andrew kneels beside her. “Hello, Catalina,” he says.

“Hello,” Catalina says, somewhat nervous, somewhat surprised, and somewhat intrigued. “Do I know you?”

“No,” Andrew says. “My name is Andrew. Andrew Squervil.”

“Hello, Andrew,” Catalina says. “How do you know my name?”

“Bellina told it to me,” Andrew says. “Bellina told me all about you. I’m her fiancé.”

“Oh,” Catalina says. “I suppose she told you about how I stole her boyfriend from her.”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “She did.”

“You must think I’m a terrible person,” Catalina says.

“I don’t think you’re terrible, Catalina,” Andrew says.

“Bellina told everyone else in the neighborhood about what I did,” Catalina says. “Now, none of my neighbors want anything to do with me. They never invite me to social events. They never even say hello to me when they see me on the street. I’m the pariah of the neighborhood.”

“A woman as beautiful as you shouldn’t be the pariah of anything,” Andrew says. “The neighborhood is lucky to have you here. You are by far its most visually pleasing specimen.”

Catalina looks down, blushing.

“Beauty like yours should be embraced… and rewarded,” Andrew says. He starts kissing her.

After a few seconds, Catalina pulls away from Andrew. “Perhaps we shouldn’t do this, Andrew,” she says. “You’re engaged to Bellina, and I have a boyfriend.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” Andrew says. “I was just so overwhelmed by your beauty. A beautiful woman in a beautiful park! It’s nice here, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Catalina says. “I like to come here to read.”

“What book are you reading?” Andrew says.

“It’s a collection of short stories called ‘Tales from Universe 27’,” Catalina says. “It’s mostly uplifting love stories.”

“It sounds wonderful,” Andrew says, lying.

“It’s okay,” Catalina says. “The writing is mostly bad. But every once in a while-”

Andrew suddenly grabs Catalina’s book and tosses it away. “Catalina, I can’t do this anymore,” he says. “We can’t keep lying to ourselves about our feelings for each other. Catalina, I’ve fallen in love with you!”

“I…” Catalina says. “I think… I’ve fallen in love with you too, Andrew. But surely we can’t act on these feelings! I have a boyfriend, and you’re engaged to Bellina! I already betrayed Bellina once, when I stole her boyfriend. It was a terrible, terrible mistake, and I regret it deeply. She and I used to be good friends.”

“I don’t want to betray Bellina either,” Andrew says. “She’s deeply, madly in love with me. If I left her for you, she would be devastated. It could very likely cause her to have a complete mental breakdown. But perhaps there’s a way we could get what we want without hurting Bellina. We’ll start having a secret affair that Bellina we’ll never, ever find out about. I’ll stay with Bellina, and I’ll get married to her, and you and I will carry on our secret relationship in secret.”

“But won’t we eventually get caught?” Catalina says.

“No, not as long as we’re discreet,” Andrew says.

“And you won’t mind continuing to have intimate encounters with Bellina?” Catalina says.

Andrew sighs, trying to appear burdened. “It won’t be easy for me,” he says, lying. “But I’ll endure it, for the sake of protecting Bellina’s sanity.”

“That’s so generous of you, Andrew,” Catalina says. “You’re such a wonderful person!”

“As are you, Catalina,” Andrew says. “Now let’s be wonderful together.”

They begin kissing each other.

A few minutes later, in the spot by the water fountain where Catalina was laying, there is now only her sundress. Andrew and Catalina, still the only people in the park, are having an intimate encounter in the water fountain.

Later, in the evening, Andrew enters Bellina’s mansion. Bellina is there, wearing only very revealing purple lingerie.

“I have a special treat for you, Andrew,” Bellina says.

“I guess we won’t be having dinner now,” Andrew says.

“We can have dinner later,” Bellina says. “But first, we’ll have dessert.”

Andrew follows Bellina into her bedroom.

Later, in the very late evening, Andrew and Bellina are sleeping together on the bed in Bellina’s bedroom.

Outside the mansion, Andrew’s stalker Sheila is standing on the street. Sheila sincerely hopes that Andrew enjoyed his time with the various sluts that he seduced today, as Sheila intends to have Andrew all to herself soon and has no intention of sharing him with other women, ever. Sheila has a plan for Andrew’s future, and it only involves Sheila and Andrew.

“You can’t escape my love, Andrew Squervil,” Sheila says.

The next morning, in the bedroom of Bellina’s mansion, Andrew, who has been sleeping on Bellina’s bed, is awoken by Bellina, who is punching him in the face repeatedly.

Andrew gets out of the bed to escape Bellina’s surprisingly powerful fists.

“What’s going on?” Andrew says. “Why are you hitting me?”

“Get out,” Bellina says. “I want you out of my mansion and out of my life! Our wedding is cancelled and I don’t want to ever see you again!”

“Why?” Andrew says. “What did I do?”

Bellina shows Andrew a photograph that she is holding.

“Someone left this on my doorstep this morning,” Bellina says.

The photograph is of Andrew and Catalina. In the photograph, they are in the park’s water fountain together, clearly having an intimate encounter.

While Andrew is distracted by the photograph, Bellina punches him in the face again.

“I trusted you!” Bellina says. “I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way possible! I hate you, Andrew Squervil! I HATE YOU!”

Knowing there are no lies that could possibly douse this Bellina fire, Andrew turns and leaves Bellina’s bedroom, knowing he will never again be granted access to it. As he exits Bellina’s mansion, his mind is racing. He wonders who took the picture of him and Catalina. Andrew has made many, many enemies.

Andrew quickly decides that he will worry about that later; that he needs to shift his focus to salvaging his current situation; that he may have lost the love of rich Bellina, but rich Catalina is still deeply in love with him. Andrew runs across the street, now intending to marry Catalina for her money.

At the front door of Catalina’s mansion, Andrew rings the mansion’s doorbell.

Catalina answers the door. She looks like she’s been crying. She shows Andrew a photograph she is holding. It is an identical duplicate of the photograph that Bellina had.

While Andrew is distracted by the photograph, Catalina punches him in the face.

“Someone stopped by this morning and gave me this photograph,” she says. “They said you had paid them to take the picture and then give copies to both me and Bellina. Why would you do that, Andrew? Why would you do that to me? Why would you do that to Bellina? The three of us were all going to be so happy together! You and her, and me and you! Why would you ruin that? Why would you trick me into falling in love with you?”

Andrew is stunned. “Catalina, this is all crazy,” he says. “I didn’t pay anyone to do anything! I love you, and I want to marry you!”

Catalina backs away from Andrew. “You’re just trying to deceive me again,” Catalina says. “I don’t know what your motivations are, but I think you’re sick, and I don’t trust you anymore. And I don’t want to ever see you again.”

“Catalina, no, don’t do this to us!” Andrew says.

From inside her mansion, Catalina closes its door and locks it.

“Catalina!” Andrew says, outside her mansion. “Catalina!”

The door does not open again.

Andrew begins walking away, defeated.

Later, he returns to his crummy apartment. He sees a new note on his refrigerator. It is from his obese, hideous female landlord. The note says: “I’m coming over tonight.” On the note, underneath the words, is an absurdly large lipstick imprint.

Andrew sighs, depressed by the idea that his horrible arrangement with the landlord is not going to end anytime soon.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. He answers it.

An attractive woman that Andrew has never seen before is standing before him. Unbeknownst to Andrew, this is Sheila.

“Hello,” Sheila says.

“Hello,” Andrew says.

“I live in the apartment building,” Sheila says. “I’ve seen you around the building, and I noticed you look very strong. Would you be able to help me move a heavy piece of furniture in my apartment?”

“Okay,” Andrew says. He doesn’t normally help others, but he finds the woman attractive, and he sees this as an opportunity to seduce her and perhaps manipulate her into letting him live in her apartment for free, thereby allowing him to escape from his current living arrangement with his hideous female landlord.

They go into Sheila’s apartment. Sheila closes and locks the apartment’s front door.

Andrew is shocked by what he sees: on every wall in the apartment, there are many, many photographs of Andrew. The pictures were taken at various locations and various times.

Suddenly, Andrew remembers something the female police detective Debra said about a neighbor named Sheila.

“I didn’t tell you my name,” Sheila says. “It’s Sheila. And you’re Andrew. Andrew Squervil.”

“You’ve been… stalking me?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Sheila says.

“And was it you who gave those pictures to Bellina and Catalina?” Andrew says.

Sheila smiles. “Yes,” she says.

“Why?” Andrew says. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m in love with you,” Sheila says. “I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time. And if you think I’m going to allow you to live happily ever after with some other woman, you’re very mistaken, Andrew Squervil! I know you think that that’s unfair, but please understand that this hasn’t been easy for me either. I’ve been madly in love with you, but at the same time I’ve had to live with the knowledge that I’m not worthy of your love. You’re so wonderful, Andrew. You’re a handsome god that I worship. But I’m just an ordinary person. And for a long time, I’ve had to live with the idea that I would never win your love; that you would never truly be mine. And that troubled me deeply. But then I realized that there is a way that I could be worthy of your love: by giving you what you want. And what I’ve learned from following you on your misadventures is that you want to be rich. And now, I can give you that. I can make you rich.”

“How?” Andrew says. “How could you possibly make me rich?”

“By giving you enough money to make it so,” Sheila says.

“You don’t have that much money,” Andrew says. “If you did, you wouldn’t be living in this crummy apartment.”

Sheila grins. She removes a framed photograph of Andrew from a wall, revealing a safe in the wall. She unlocks the safe and opens it. Inside the safe is an absurdly large amount of money.

Andrew is looking at the money, transfixed by it. “Is that really as much money as I think it is?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Sheila says. “More than enough money to make a person rich.”

“How did you get all this money?” Andrew says.

“I stole it from the law firm that I work for,” Sheila says. “I did it for you, Andrew. This money is a gift from me to you. Do you accept it, and my love?”

Tears are forming in Andrew’s eyes. This is possibly the happiest moment of his life.

“Yes,” Andrew says. “Yes, I accept the money… and your love, Sheila.”

“Really, Andrew?” Sheila says. “Do you really love me?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, lying. He wonders how easy it would be to get Sheila involuntarily, permanently confined to an insane asylum, so he will be able to enjoy the money without this crazy woman around.

“Oh Andrew, I’m so delighted to hear that!” Sheila says. “You and I are going to be so happy together!”

Andrew begins reaching for the money.

Suddenly, the front door to Sheila’s apartment is kicked down. A swarm of uniformed police officers enters the apartment, followed by the two police detectives, Debra and Gunther.

Sheila is looking at Andrew, scared and confused. “Andrew, what’s happening?” she says.

“Sheila, you’re under arrest for the theft of money from your employer,” Debra says. “We’ve had your apartment bugged for days, and we now have a recording of you stating what you did.”

Debra nods at one of the uniformed police officers, who subsequently places handcuffs on Sheila and begins taking her away.

As Sheila is being taken out of her apartment, she says: “Andrew, you did this to me! I trusted you! I loved you! You tricked me! I blame you for this! And I will get my revenge! Do you hear me, Andrew Squervil? I WILL GET MY REVENGE!”

After Sheila has been removed, Andrew notices that some of the police officers are removing the money from the safe and placing it in a plastic bag.

“What are you doing with the money?” Andrew says.

“We’re going to return it to its rightful owner: the law firm,” Debra says.

Tears are forming in Andrew’s eyes again, though this time they are not tears of joy.

“Do I get anything for my involvement in all this?” Andrew says. “You previously mentioned something about a reward.”

“You never agreed to the terms,” Debra says.

Gunther, still very angry at Andrew for seducing Debra, says: “That’s correct. You won’t be getting a reward, Andrew. However, you will be getting something else from us: we’re arresting you.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “Why?”

“We have a recording of you accepting the stolen money from Sheila,” Debra says. “Technically, that makes you an accomplice. We’re legally obligated to arrest you too.”

Gunther nods at one of the uniformed police officers, who subsequently places handcuffs on Andrew and begins taking him out of the apartment.

“That’s not fair,” Andrew says. “THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

A few days later, the trial of Sheila concludes with her being involuntarily confined to an insane asylum. Upon her arrival there, she begins internally plotting her revenge against Andrew Squervil. She now hates Andrew with the same degree of intensity that she previously loved him with. She knows that, if she demonstrates enough fake signs of improvement to the doctors here, she will eventually be released from the asylum. And then, she will be able to act on her deep, seething, burning hatred for Andrew Squervil.

A few days after the conclusion of Sheila’s trial, Andrew’s trial begins. Unfortunately for Andrew, the judge assigned to his trial is one of his ex-lovers, a beautiful woman named Sindra. Like most of Andrew’s ex-lovers, Sindra now despises Andrew. During the course of Andrew’s trial, Sindra learns about the miserable living arrangement Andrew has been in with his disgusting female landlord. Seeking to intensify Andrew’s misery, Sindra judges Andrew guilty and sentences him to home arrest for an indefinite amount of time. Andrew is confined to his crummy apartment. The only person Sindra allows to visit Andrew in the apartment is his landlord. The landlord is permitted to visit Andrew in the apartment whenever she desires. Knowing that Andrew is now in his apartment at all times, the landlord visits him on a much more frequent basis than before, sometimes staying with him in the apartment for entire days. She is very grateful for the judge’s decision, so much so that she sends the judge a thank-you note.

EPISODE 69: MIA

Having recently concluded a very lengthy, very unpleasant incarceration, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to achieve this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Andrew is hoping to meet such a woman in this nightclub tonight.

Andrew sees a beautiful, shy-looking blond woman standing alone in the nightclub. He makes his way over to her and begins conversing with her, intent on charming his way into her bedroom.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. Despite this ability, he has repeatedly failed to con a rich woman into marriage. With each failure, his goal to become rich feels increasingly, maddeningly elusive, so much so that Andrew sometimes wonders if he is cursed.

At the moment, Andrew’s conversation with the blond woman seems to be going well. The woman, who has introduced herself to Andrew as Mia, seems quite taken with Andrew.

Mia, who is rich, invites Andrew to her mansion. Andrew, of course, accepts the offer. Later, in a bedroom in her mansion, they complete their intimate encounter.

The next morning, Andrew wakes up on the bed in the bedroom. Mia isn’t there. On the bed is a note from her telling Andrew to meet her downstairs for breakfast when he’s ready. On the note, underneath Mia’s words, there is a sexy lipstick imprint.

Andrew reads the note, then stares at the ceiling happily, certain that he’s tricked Mia into falling in love with him. He expects to get married to Mia and live happily ever after, never again having major money problems, never again having to live in the crummy apartment that he currently lives in. Andrew, who has major money problems, currently lives in that crummy apartment for free in exchange for being his hideous, obese female landlord’s plaything. He thinks that he will never again be with the hideous female landlord; that, from here on out, his intimate encounters will be exclusively with beautiful women, like Mia, and the various beautiful women he intends to secretly cheat on Mia with after they get married.

Feeling optimistic about his future, Andrew gets out of the bed and exits the bedroom and goes downstairs to find Mia.

Andrew enters the mansion’s dining room. He sees Mia standing there. She is wearing only a blue robe and looks quite desirable. Andrew walks toward her, intending to separate her from her robe. He leans in to kiss her.

Unexpectedly, she slaps him and then backs away, with a disgusted look on her face. “What are you doing?!” she says. “Who are you?!”

“But… I don’t understand,” Andrew says, very confused. “Mia, I-”

“I’m not Mia,” she says, “I’m her sister, Monica. I live in this mansion too.”

A woman who looks exactly like Monica enters the dining room. This other woman is wearing only a pink robe.

“What’s going on?” the pink-robe-wearing woman says.

“Mia, do you know this creep?” Monica says, referring to Andrew.

“Yes, that’s Andrew Squervil,” Mia says. “We met last night. He’s my new boyfriend and future husband. We’re very much in love.”

“Just a moment ago, your new boyfriend tried to kiss me!” Monica says, sounding enraged.

“What?!” Mia says, also sounding enraged. “Andrew, how could you do this to me?”

“It was just a misunderstanding, Mia!” Andrew says, walking toward her. “You and her look exactly-”

“Get away from me!” Mia says.

She grabs a nearby frying pan and whacks Andrew on the head with it, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.

Later, Andrew wakes up. He is laying on the bed in Mia’s bedroom again. Mia is in the room with him, wearing her pink robe.

“You’re awake,” Mia says. “I’m very disappointed in you, Andrew. You betrayed me.”

“It was just a misunderstanding, Mia,” Andrew says. “When I tried to kiss your sister, I thought she was you. You and her look virtually identical!”

“What are you talking about?” Mia says. “Monica and I look nothing alike! She’s so much prettier than me. I wish I looked like her.”

“But… you and her are identical,” Andrew says, very confused.

“We’re not identical at all,” Mia says. “And if you thought so, then you were confused.”

“I guess… I was confused,” Andrew says, confused. “But still, it was just a misunderstanding, Mia! I would never cheat on you intentionally.”

Mia is looking at Andrew with a displeased, skeptical expression. “While you were unconscious, my sister Monica was trying to convince me to dump you,” Mia says. “She thinks you’re a sleazy loser and that you’ll betray me again. But I’m going to give you another chance with me, Andrew Squervil. Don’t make me regret my decision. I’m going to sun myself downstairs by the in-ground pool in the backyard. Join me there.”

Mia exits the bedroom. Andrew gets out of the bed and exits the bedroom, intending to follow Mia to the backyard. However, in the hallway outside Mia’s bedroom, Mia is nowhere in sight.

“Mia?” Andrew says. “Where did you go?”

Andrew goes downstairs, then eventually finds his way to the mansion’s gigantic backyard. He sees the in-ground pool in the distance. A woman who looks exactly like Mia is laying on a chair near the pool and is wearing a very revealing pink bathing suit.

Andrew is about to walk over to her, then stops. He wonders if this woman in the pink bathing suit is actually Mia or again Monica. Andrew knows he’ll be in trouble if he mistakes Monica for Mia a second time.

Then, much to Andrew’s relief, he sees Monica standing elsewhere in the backyard, wearing the same blue robe from earlier, staring at Andrew hatefully with her arms akimbo.

Andrew walks over to Mia. She is wearing very dark sunglasses, so Andrew can’t see her eyes. She has a frown on her face.

Andrew kneels beside her.

“Mia, I know you’re still angry at me for what happened this morning,” Andrew says. “But I’ll do everything I can to get back in your good graces.”

Andrew begins kissing Mia.

She suddenly jerks her head back and pushes Andrew away. “What are you doing?!” she says. “Get away from me, you creep! Who are you?!”

Andrew is stunned. “But… I thought you were Mia,” he says. “You have to be Mia! Monica is standing over there!”

“I’m Mia’s other sister, Amelia,” she says. “I live in the mansion too.”

“But… why didn’t you say anything before I started kissing you?” Andrew says.

“I was sleeping, you creep,” Amelia says. “I only woke up after you started kissing me.”

Andrew looks over to where Monica is standing. She is staring at Andrew more hatefully than before, with her arms more akimbo than before.

A woman who looks exactly like Monica and Amelia enters the backyard. This other woman is also wearing a very revealing pink bathing suit, which is virtually identical to Amelia’s bathing suit.

“What’s going on?” the newly-arrived pink-bathing-suit-wearing woman says.

“He betrayed you again, Mia,” Monica says. “I saw the whole thing.”

“Yes, he kissed me, Mia,” Amelia says. “He’s horrible.”

Mia looks furious. “How could you do this to me, Andrew?” Mia says. “I trusted you! I gave you another chance!”

Andrew gets up and begins walking toward Mia. “No, it’s not what you think, Mia!” Andrew says. “It was just another misunderstanding! I thought Amelia was you! You and her look so much alike!”

“I look nothing like her,” Amelia says.

“Please, you’ve got to believe me, Mia!” Andrew says, now only inches away from Mia.

“Get away from me!” Mia says. She grabs a nearby frying pan and whacks Andrew on the head with it, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.

Later, Andrew wakes up. He is laying on the bed in Mia’s bedroom again. Mia is in the room with him, wearing her pink robe.

“You’re awake,” she says. “I’m very, very disappointed in you, Andrew. You betrayed me again. You are very, very naughty. My sisters hate you and want you out of our mansion.”

“Mia, please, you must believe me,” Andrew says. “I didn’t mean to kiss your sister Amelia. I thought she was you! She looks just like you!”

Mia slaps Andrew. “How could you say that?” Mia says, as if she is deeply offended. “Amelia is hideous! I look nothing like her!”

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says. “You and Monica and Amelia are all virtually identical, and you’re all total hotties!”

Mia is looking at Andrew with a displeased, skeptical expression. “I’m very strongly considering ending our relationship, Andrew,” Mia says. “But I’m going to give you one more chance. Wait in this room for five minutes and then meet me in the parlor downstairs.”

Mia exits the bedroom.

Andrew waits in the bedroom for five minutes, then exits the bedroom and goes downstairs. He enters the mansion’s parlor.

Standing in the parlor are three blond women, all of whom look like Mia, and all of whom are wearing only identical pink robes. Andrew has no idea which one is Mia.

“What’s going on?” Andrew says.

The three sisters surround Andrew.

“It’s a test, Andrew Squervil,” one of the sisters says.

“A test that will determine whether you will get to live happily ever after with Mia in this mansion or be dumped by Mia and banished from this mansion forever,” one of the sisters says.

“Only one of us is the real Mia,” one of the sisters says. “By now, if you really, truly love Mia, you should be able to distinguish her from her sisters, no matter how similar we look to you.”

“Now, make your choice, Andrew Squervil: kiss which one of us you think is Mia,” one of the sisters says.

Andrew wants to cry. He desperately wants to become rich. He desperately wants to marry Mia for her money. But all three sisters look so much alike.

Knowing his only hope is a successful guess, Andrew kisses one of the three sisters, uncertain as to whether she is Mia.

After the kiss, the sister who Andrew kissed smiles, looking very pleased. This causes Andrew to think he may have made the correct selection. Then she says: “Wrong.”

One of the other sisters grabs a nearby frying pan and whacks Andrew on the head with it, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.

Later, Andrew wakes up. He is laying outside, on the street in front of the mansion. He sees that the mansion’s door is closed. He knows that it won’t open for him ever again. Feeling defeated, he gets up and begins walking back to his crummy apartment.

Inside the mansion, the troublesome triplets, Monica, Inga, and Amelia, are all giggling as they take turns looking through the peephole in the mansion’s front door, watching Andrew as he walks away, unknowingly the latest victim of a game the triplets like to play called “Mia”.

EPISODE 70: VAT

Today, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is sitting in his crummy apartment, depressed about his most recent failed attempt to become rich.

Someone knocks on the apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer it.

He opens the front door. Much to his surprise, standing before him is a beautiful rich woman from his past named Gloria.

“Gloria!” Andrew says.

Gloria smiles faintly, as if she’s not quite sure she’s happy to see Andrew. “Hello, Andrew,” she says.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says.

“I tracked you down,” Gloria says. “I came here to see you.”

Andrew leans in to kiss her.

She backs away, horrified. “Get away from me!” she says.

“But…” Andrew says, confused. Then, remembering something, he says: “Oh, right. The manure.”

Some time ago, Andrew and Gloria were engaged to be married. Andrew was on his way to becoming rich, via marriage to the rich Gloria.

However, before Andrew could get to marry Gloria, one of his vengeful ex-lovers pushed him into a pool full of manure.

Unfortunately for Andrew, Gloria was nearby when the incident occurred. The sight of Andrew covered in manure disgusted Gloria. Certain that she would never be able to shake the repulsive image of a manure-covered Andrew from her mind, Gloria immediately cancelled their engagement and dumped Andrew.

Now, inexplicably, Gloria is standing before Andrew in the doorway of his apartment, apparently still repulsed by him.

“Andrew, I came here because you’ve got me confused,” Gloria says. “So very, very confused. As you know, I’ve had many, many male lovers: handsome, muscular men; some of the finest specimens this universe has to offer. Most of those men were able to give me great amounts of pleasure. But none so much as you, Andrew Squervil! When we were together, you brought me to the state of absolute carnal ecstasy, in spite of your physical shortcoming!”

“Physical shortcoming?” Andrew says. “What are you-”

“Andrew, I came here today because I can’t get you out of my mind,” Gloria says. “Part of me wants to reclaim you as my lover, yet another part of me can’t stop picturing you covered in manure! I want you badly and yet I also think you’re gross! I thought I would forget about you in time, but my memory of you has persisted. For the longest time, I didn’t know what I would do about my Andrew Squervil fixation. But now I have a solution! I’m going to put you in a vat.”

“A vat?” Andrew says.

“Yes, a vat,” Gloria says. “A vat full of scalding hot water. Water hot enough to cleanse your body of any particles of manure remaining on you since that terrible day. After you’re cleansed in the vat, I will be certain that you’re manure-free. And then we can become lovers again.”

“And get married?” Andrew says hopefully, thinking of Gloria’s wealth.

“Yes, and get married,” Gloria says.

“Will the hot water in the vat hurt me?” Andrew says.

Gloria smiles, amused. “Oh yes, very much so,” she says. “But don’t you think I’m worth it, Andrew?”

Andrew gazes over Gloria’s shapely body, thinking of her shapely body and her wealth.

Some time later, Andrew is in a sealed vat full of scalding hot water. The vat is located in the backyard of Gloria’s mansion. Andrew has been in the vat for quite some time. It is very painful. He hopes Gloria releases him from the vat soon.

Some time later, the vat is unsealed by someone. Andrew immediately gets out of the vat, eager to escape it.

Much to Andrew’s surprise, Gloria isn’t there. Instead, one of Gloria’s maids, Lethelia, is standing before him.

Lethelia doesn’t like Andrew.

“Lethelia?” Andrew says. “What are you doing here? Where’s Gloria?”

Lethelia smiles cruelly. “Gloria is out on a date with her new male lover,” Lethelia says. “She met him while you were in the vat. His name is Dimitri. He’s very handsome and very muscular.” Lethelia hands Andrew a small piece of paper and says: “Gloria asked me to give this to you.”

The piece of paper has a hand-written message from Gloria on it. Andrew reads the message. It says:

“Andrew,

I have a new boyfriend now. His name is Dimitri. He’s a better lover than you. I do not want to ever see you again.

Gloria”

“No!” Andrew says. “That’s not fair! It was supposed to be me and Gloria and Gloria’s money! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

Lethelia is clearly amused by Andrew’s misery. “It’s time for you to leave now, Andrew,” Lethelia says. “Gloria wants you gone from the premises before she returns.”

Lethelia and some of Gloria’s other maids forcibly remove Andrew from Gloria’s mansion.

EPISODE 71: MUD

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated by rich, single women. Andrew, who is not rich, has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, despite this ability, he has repeatedly failed in his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money. Somehow, things went wrong for Andrew every time.

This time will be different, Andrew thinks.

In the nightclub, he sees a beautiful, dark-haired woman standing alone on the other side of the room. She notices Andrew staring at her. She smiles at Andrew and beckons him to come to her. Hoping she is rich, Andrew walks over to her and begins conversing with her.

As they are conversing, Andrew learns that the woman’s name is Endara, and that she is rich and single. Endara is quite taken with Andrew. After making out with Andrew for a while, Endara invites him to her mansion.

Later in the evening, as Endara and Andrew are walking toward the entrance to Endara’s mansion, Andrew notices that there is a large pool on the sidewalk directly in front of Endara’s mansion.

“Is that pool yours?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Endara says.

“That seems like an odd spot for a pool,” Andrew says. “Why would you have it there?”

Endara smiles mischievously. “You’ll see,” she says.

Later in the evening, on a bed in the master bedroom of Endara’s mansion, Andrew and Endara have an intimate encounter.

Afterwards, Endara says: “That was wonderful. You really know how to do so much with so little.”

“What do you mean?” Andrew says, troubled by Endara’s complement.

Ignoring Andrew’s question, Endara says: “I have a surprise for you, Andrew Squervil.”

“What is it?” Andrew says.

“Get dressed and stand over there,” Endara says, pointing at a spot in the bedroom.

Andrew gets out of the bed and gets dressed and stands in the spot that Endara pointed to. “So what’s the surprise?” Andrew says.

From her purse, Endara takes out a small, purple remote control device.

“What’s that for?” Andrew says.

“There’s a trapdoor on the floor in this room,” Endara says. “You’re standing on the trapdoor right now. This remote control device opens the trapdoor. Whoever falls through it ends up sliding down a long tunnel that will spit them out of my mansion. I had all this set up so that I can easily dispose of my sleazy male lovers when I’m done with them. It’s easier than having to listen to them plead with me or argue with me.”

Andrew grins. “This is a joke, right?” he says.

Endara grins. “They always ask that question right before I dispose of them,” she says.

She presses a button on the remote control device. The floor underneath Andrew opens up and he falls through it, into a tunnel. Against his will, he slides down the tunnel.

Eventually, Andrew is spit out of the other end of the tunnel, out of Endara’s mansion, and, as designed, he lands in the pool on the sidewalk outside of Endara’s mansion. It is at this time that Andrew realizes that the pool is full of mud, not water.

Andrew gets out of the pool. He begins walking back to his crummy apartment, still covered in mud, defeated once again.

EPISODE 72: A VISIT FROM JESSICA

During an evening, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, depressed about his most recent failed attempt to con a rich woman into marriage to gain access to her wealth.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. Andrew reluctantly goes to the door to answer it. He presumes that the person at the door is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. She usually comes around at this time to receive her ‘rent payments’. Andrew loathes the arrangement, but he has been going along with it, as he has major money problems.

Andrew opens the front door. Much to his surprise, the person standing before him isn’t the monstrous landlord woman. Instead, standing before Andrew is one of his former lovers, a beautiful woman named Jessica.

While Andrew would normally be happy to be visited by a beautiful woman, he is not happy to see Jessica. That is because Andrew’s previous encounter with Jessica led to him being imprisoned for a very long time.

“Hello, Andrew,” Jessica says.

“You!” Andrew says. “Stay away from me!”

“It’s good to see you again, Andrew,” Jessica says.

“I want you gone!” Andrew says. “You ruined my life! I ended up trapped in a dungeon because of you!”

“Oh Andrew, you’re so cute when you’re angry,” Jessica says. “I’ve missed you.”

“What do you want?” Andrew says.

“I felt very bad about getting you imprisoned,” Jessica says. “So I wanted to make it up to you, in my own special way.”

Later, Andrew and Jessica are laying on the bed in the bedroom of Andrew’s apartment, having recently completed an intimate encounter.

“That was great,” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “Absolute carnal ecstasy. You and my boyfriend are the two best lovers I’ve ever had.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Andrew says, amused.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “His name is Grock. He’s a professional wrestler. Perhaps you’ve heard of him.”

“Yes, I’m aware of Grock,” Andrew says, recalling a picture of Grock on the cover of some sports magazine. In the picture, Grock looked very large and very muscular and very, very angry. “Does Grock know you’re here with me?” Andrew says, suddenly very worried.

“No,” Jessica says. “He thinks I’m out shopping with a friend. I normally don’t cheat on Grock, but I made a special exception for you, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew gets out of the bed and begins getting dressed. “I want you to leave,” he says.

“Why?” Jessica says.

“Because if your crazy wrestler boyfriend finds out about us, he’s going to pummel me mercilessly!” Andrew says.

“Oh Andrew, you’re being paranoid,” Jessica says. “Grock isn’t going to find out about us.”

Suddenly, Andrew and Jessica hear someone loudly kicking down the front door of Andrew’s apartment.

A moment later, Grock enters the bedroom. He looks even larger and more muscular and angrier than he looked in the picture on the magazine cover. Andrew is truly terrified.

“Grock!” Jessica says. “What are you doing here?”

“I knew you were cheating on me, Jessica!” Grock says, moving toward Andrew. “Somehow, I just knew it! So I followed you here!”

“It’s not what you think, Grock!” Jessica says.

Grock proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

Later, Andrew regains consciousness. He is laying on the floor in his apartment’s bedroom. Grock and Jessica are no longer there. Much to Andrew’s dismay, Andrew’s hideous, obese female landlord is standing over him.

“I’m here to receive my ‘rent payment’, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “And as for that broken front door, I’m going to have to charge you extra for that… if you know what I mean.”

Andrew gulps, knowing exactly what she means. He wishes he was still unconscious.

EPISODE 73: BRUISES

During an afternoon, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is working out at a gym in an upper-class neighborhood. Andrew, who is not rich, is visiting this gym because he knows it is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. He hopes to meet such a woman today, here at the gym.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Unfortunately for Andrew, seducing women is a challenge for him today. That is because the normally handsome Andrew looks quite hideous today, due to a multitude of bruises on his face.

Andrew received those bruises yesterday from a large, muscular professional wrestler named Grock, after Grock caught his beautiful girlfriend Jessica and Andrew in bed together. The last thing Andrew remembered before losing consciousness was Grock’s meaty fists smashing into Andrew’s face over and over again. Many of Andrew’s recent misadventures have ended with Andrew being brutally beaten.

Because of Andrew’s bruises, he is not having any success attracting rich women at the gym today.

“You repulse me,” one of Andrew’s attractive female targets says.

Why did I come here today, Andrew thinks.

One of the gym’s employees, a large, muscular woman named Johaxtra, notices that many of the attractive female gym patrons are finding Andrew bothersome and disgusting. Thus, Johaxtra approaches Andrew and demands that he leave the premises immediately. Frustrated, Andrew gets into an argument with Johaxtra and refuses to leave out of spite. Thus, Johaxtra proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly, while the attractive female gym patrons look on, amused. Many of Andrew’s recent misadventures have ended with Andrew being brutally beaten.

EPISODE 74: THE QUEST FOR DANA

During an evening, a party is occurring in the mansion of a beautiful, rich, single heiress named Dana. Many, many guests are in attendance. The mansion is absurdly overcrowded with people right now.

In addition to the invited guests, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is in attendance. Andrew snuck into the mansion about an hour after the party started.

Andrew, who is not rich, has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich woman for her money. That is why Andrew is here in the mansion tonight. He intends to introduce himself to Dana, and seduce her, and con her into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth.

In the very crowded mansion, Andrew sees the lovely Dana in the distance. She is talking with some of the guests in the mansion’s parlor. Andrew begins making his way through the crowd, trying to get to Dana.

Suddenly, Andrew is grabbed by a very tall, very muscular woman who looks like she could be a professional bodybuilder. She is wearing a security guard outfit. Andrew finds her immensely unattractive. He loathes unattractive women.

“You’re not an invited guest,” the security guardess says angrily.

“How would you know whether I’m an invited guest?” Andrew says defensively.

“Because I’m the mansion’s security guardess, and I admitted each and every one of the invited guests,” the security guardess says angrily. “I know the names and faces of every person that was invited to this party, and you’re not one of them. I would have remembered someone as handsome as you. You don’t belong here.”

She begins forcibly removing Andrew from the mansion. As he is being removed, Andrew sees Dana in the distance, talking with some handsome men, oblivious to what is happening to Andrew.

A few moments later, outside of Dana’s mansion, the security guardess tosses Andrew off of the mansion’s grounds, into a pile of garbage on the street.

“And stay out,” the security guardess says.

She goes back into the mansion.

A few minutes later, Andrew sneaks back into the mansion via an open window. He enters the mansion’s parlor and sees Dana in the distance, talking with various party guests.

As Andrew is about to approach Dana, he feels someone grab his arm. He turns to his left and sees that it is the security guardess that has grabbed him. She looks furious.

“You just never learn, do you?” she says.

She begins forcibly removing Andrew from the mansion again. As Andrew is being removed, he sees Dana in the distance, oblivious to what is happening to Andrew, talking with a handsome man who she appears quite enamored with.

A few minutes later, outside of Dana’s mansion, the security guardess is pummeling Andrew mercilessly to discourage him from trying to re-enter the mansion again.

A few minutes later, outside of Dana’s mansion, the security guardess is standing over the beaten Andrew, who is laying on the ground.

“If I catch you in the mansion one more time, I’m going to take the thing that’s most precious to you and tie it into a knot!” the security guardess says.

She begins walking toward the mansion, stepping on Andrew’s head in the process.

Feeling desperate, Andrew says: “Wait!”

The security guardess stops and turns around. “You just never learn, do you?” she says. “A knot it is then.” She begins walking back toward Andrew, intent on carrying out her threat.

“Wait!” Andrew says. “I have to get back into that mansion. Surely, there must be something I can do to get you to let me go back in there. I’ll do anything. Anything!”

The security guardess stops. “Anything?” she says.

“Anything,” Andrew says.

“Well, there is one thing you could do…” the security guardess says.

Andrew gulps, knowing what she wants.

Some time later, Andrew is back in Dana’s mansion, wishing he could forget what he did for the security guardess to gain re-entry to the mansion.

In the mansion’s parlor, Andrew sees Dana in the distance. She is now standing alone, not talking with anyone. Andrew walks over to Dana and introduces himself to her and begins conversing with her, trying to charm and seduce her.

Unfortunately for Andrew, because of his encounters with the security guardess, he now has a multitude of unsightly bruises on his face and smells like garbage and female bodybuilder sweat. Therefore, Dana finds him repulsive and rejects him. Andrew leaves the mansion, defeated.

EPISODE 75: HIDEOUS FEMALE LANDLORD

Some time ago, a handsome, sleazy man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil was in need of an inexpensive place to stay at. It was around this time that Andrew met a hideous, obese woman named Barbara while he was in a tavern during an evening. Barbara offered to let Andrew stay in her apartment for the night in exchange for an intimate encounter. Though he found Barbara repulsive, Andrew agreed to the proposed arrangement, consoling himself with the thought that this would be a very short-term arrangement, just for one night.

That night, in Barbara’s apartment, Andrew carried out his part of the arrangement, much to his dismay and disgust. It was an odious task.

The following morning, as Andrew was getting ready to leave the apartment and Barbara, expecting to never see Barbara again, Barbara revealed to him that she was the landlord of the apartment complex that her apartment was a part of.

In response to this information, Andrew said: “So what?”

“So I can give you what you need,” Barbara said.

“What is it you think I need?” Andrew said.

“A home,” Barbara said. “I can give you that. There’s a vacant apartment in this apartment complex. That apartment can be yours. And you wouldn’t even have to pay any rent. I’ll let you live in the apartment for free.”

“Really?” Andrew said. “You’ll let me live there for free?”

Barbara sneered. “Well, not exactly,” she said. “There will be a price. I’ll let you live in the apartment for free… in exchange for being my plaything.”

Andrew gulped. Thinking of his major money problems, he agreed to Barbara’s proposed arrangement. This will only be temporary, he thought. He intended to quickly find a beautiful woman to con into falling in love with him, allowing him access to her money and home, much like he had done with other beautiful women in the past. This new arrangement with Barbara will be very temporary, he thought.

Many, many days and weeks and months later, Andrew is living in his crummy apartment for free in exchange for being his hideous female landlord Barbara’s plaything. He moved out a few times for better opportunities, but always ended up returning to the apartment after squandering those opportunities. Now, Andrew is starting to worry that he will never truly, permanently escape from Barbara.

EPISODE 76: ENTER ANDREEA

During an afternoon, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go out. Andrew intends to go to a gym that he knows is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. He hopes to meet such a woman today, at the gym.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. Andrew goes to answer the door, hoping that it is anyone but his hideous, obese female landlord Barbara. Barbara has been letting Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes Barbara and dreads her visits to his apartment. He has only been going along with the arrangement because of his major money problems.

Andrew opens the apartment’s front door. The person standing before him is not Barbara but a different hideous woman. She is stocky and has dark hair and a humorless face and is wearing eyeglasses that are somehow menacing.

“Who are you?” Andrew says, annoyed by the woman’s physical unattractiveness.

“My name is Andreea,” the woman says.

“You look familiar,” Andrew says. “Have we met before?”

“No,” Andreea says. “But you may have seen me on television. I’m a part-time rock opera singer, and I do a weekly segment on the local news show called ‘The Rock Opera News’. In the segment, I sing about local news items to the tune of rock opera songs.”

“That sounds horrible,” Andrew says. “Why are you here?”

“Barbara is a friend of mine,” Andreea says. “She’s away on a month-long trip, so I’m doing her the favor of handling all her landlord duties while she’s away.”

“So?” Andrew says, increasingly annoyed by this woman and her plain, chubby face, which reminds him of a potato for some reason.

“So I’m here to collect your rent payment,” Andreea says.

Andrew laughs mockingly. “Silly, silly Andreea,” he says. “I don’t pay any rent for this apartment. Barbara lets me live here for free. So you’re mistaken. So go away.”

He begins to close the door, but Andreea stops the door from closing with one of her fat hands.

“No, you’re the one who’s mistaken, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “Barbara told me all about you and all about the arrangement you have with her. And since I’m the acting landlord, I’ll be the one receiving your ‘rent payments’ while Barbara is away. And I intend to receive these ‘payments’ from you frequently and often while Barbara is away. It’s going to be a long month, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew gulps, slowly backing away in horror.

Andreea enters the apartment, walking toward him. “I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time,” she says. “And I wrote a song to commemorate this moment.”

Suddenly, Andreea begins singing, as if to the tune of a rock opera song:

“Andrew Squervil,

I want your body,

and you will be mine.

Your failures and defeats,

keeping you in this apartment,

should be taken as a sign.

You can’t escape,

from your fate,

and destiny’s decree.

Because you’re a loser,

you need to live here,

which means you will be in me!”

She stops singing and says: “You’re mine, Andrew Squervil.”

Feeling very defeated, Andrew stops backing away from Andreea and begins undressing. He knows he won’t be making it to the gym today.

EPISODE 77: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW AND THE WOMAN WITH MULTIPLE SURNAMES

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated by rich, single women. Andrew, who has major money problems, wants to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

While in the nightclub, Andrew sees and approaches a beautiful blond woman who is wearing expensive-looking clothes.

“Hello,” Andrew says.

“Hello,” the woman says, speaking in a sexy, Russian-sounding accent.

“My name is Andrew,” Andrew says. “Andrew Squervil.”

“My name is Tatiana,” the woman says. “Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaya Kruglyak Stefanescu.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Tatiana,” Andrew says. “Would you like to dance?”

“Yes,” Tatiana says, her desire for Andrew apparent.

Later, Tatiana, who has revealed herself to be rich and single, invites Andrew to her mansion. They leave the nightclub together. Later, in the master bedroom of Tatiana’s mansion, Andrew and Tatiana have their first intimate encounter.

A week later, Tatiana, who is now Andrew’s girlfriend, is sitting with Andrew at a table and having lunch with him in an upscale restaurant.

“Let’s get married,” Andrew says.

“What?!” Tatiana says, surprised. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious,” Andrew says. “I love you, Tatiana, and I want you to be my wife.”

“But we’ve known each other for only a week, Andrew,” Tatiana says. “We barely know each other. I’ve never even been to your apartment. I really like you, Andrew, but we should take things slow. I’ve already been married three times. That’s why I have so many surnames. I’ve kept all of my former husbands’ surnames as a reminder to myself to not rush into marriage again. I want to get to know you more before I decide whether it would be a good idea for us to get married. Will you give me some more time to decide, Andrew? Perhaps a few months?”

Andrew takes one of Tatiana’s hands and kisses it. “I would wait an eternity for you, Tatiana,” he says.

“You’re so wonderful, Andrew,” Tatiana says. “I really think I might be falling in love with you. I have a strong feeling that by this time next year, I will be Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaya Kruglyak Stefanescu Squervil!”

Andrew smiles, confident that his plan to gain access to Tatiana’s money will be a success.

Unfortunately for Andrew, a week later, Tatiana catches him cheating on her with one of her attractive maids. Furious, Tatiana ends her relationship with Andrew.

EPISODE 78: PUSTILLA HELL

During an afternoon,a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil looks at his most recent bank statement and realizes that he has almost no money left in his savings. Feeling very desperate, he goes to the apartment of his friend Martin Pimbly and Martin’s girlfriend Pustilla.

Outside of the apartment, Andrew knocks on its front door. Pustilla opens the door. As always, Andrew finds her hideous.

“Andrew Squervil,” Pustilla says, speaking in her naturally cruel tone. “What a delicious surprise it is to see you.”

“Hello, Pustilla,” Andrew says, annoyed. It is never a pleasure for Andrew to see Pustilla. He wouldn’t even be here if he wasn’t desperate.

“What brings you here?” Pustilla says. “You’re not here to see Martin, are you? He’s away at work and won’t return home until many, many hours from now.”

“Yes, I’m familiar with Martin’s work schedule,” Andrew says. “That’s why I came here now. I came to see you.”

“Let me guess: you want to resume living in our apartment for free,” Pustilla says. “And you came here to ask for my permission, since you know Martin goes along with whatever I want. Unfortunately for you, Andrew, there’s no longer any space for you in this apartment. As I previously told you, that space is now occupied by another person I’m allowing to live here: Liglio, the male underwear model.”

“Liglio still lives here?” Andrew says. “But I thought he got married to Riora and was living with her now.”

“Fortunately for me, the wedding of Liglio and Riora never happened,” Pustilla says. “Riora cancelled the wedding and broke up with him and evicted him from her apartment…after she caught him cheating on her with two female models. Because of his money problems, Liglio had no choice but to move back here… where I welcomed him back with open arms… and open legs, if you know what I mean. Of course you know what I mean, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew cringes internally. When he used to live in Pustilla and Martin’s apartment, Pustilla let him live there for free in exchange for intimate encounters with her. Martin was completely unaware of the arrangement. Andrew despises Pustilla and her body, but he went along with the arrangement, as it was the best living option available to him at the time. Now, presumably, Liglio is staying in the apartment under the same arrangement, also unbeknownst to Martin. Andrew still has recurring nightmares about his intimate encounters with Pustilla.

“That’s too bad for Liglio,” Andrew says, taking a small degree of pleasure in the idea that Liglio is now trapped in the Pustilla hell instead of Andrew. “But I didn’t come here to move back in. I just want to borrow money from you.”

“Ha!” Pustilla says. “‘Borrow’ money? With all your money problems, you could never repay anyone, ever!”

“Okay, perhaps ‘borrow’ isn’t the most appropriate term,” Andrew says. “I want to obtain money from you.”

“Why don’t you get a job?” Pustilla says.

“I was born into a life of luxury,” Andrew says. “I’m not meant to be a ‘worker’.”

“Too bad you were financially ruined by that pesky lawsuit,” Pustilla says mockingly. “Well, I could give you money. After all, I have full control of Martin’s bank account, which I don’t allow him access to. He would never know if I took a very large amount of money out of the account and gave it to you.”

“Sounds great!” Andrew says, elated.

“There’s a problem though: I don’t want to help you,” Pustilla says. “I have no incentive.”

Andrew gulps. He was afraid it wouldn’t be that easy.

“Okay,” Andrew says, already knowing what Pustilla wants. “I’ll give you an incentive.”

Some time later, Andrew and Pustilla are laying on the bed in Martin and Pustilla’s bedroom, having just completed an intimate encounter. For Andrew it was an odious task, one that he does not intend to ever go through again. He just wants to get his money and get out of here and hopefully never see Pustilla again.

“That was wonderful,” Pustilla says. “It almost makes me regret replacing you with Liglio. Almost. That reminds me: Liglio will be returning home soon. So you should leave now.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Andrew says.

“Oh yes, your money,” Pustilla says.

From a nearby cabinet, she takes out a blank check with Martin’s name and bank account number printed on it.. She fills out the check, then extends it toward Andrew and says mockingly: “Congratulations, Andrew Squervil: you are now officially a male prostitute.”

Andrew takes the check and looks it over and is immediately displeased. The financial amount on the check is very, very low.

“Is this a joke?” Andrew says. “This is barely enough money for me to live on for one day.”

“Then I guess if you want more money from me, you’ll have to come back here tomorrow,” Pustilla says. “And the next day! And the day after that! And the day after that! And so on, forever and ever!”

Feeling defeated, Andrew gets out of the bed and gets dressed, knowing he will be back here tomorrow to get more money from Pustilla.

As he is leaving the apartment, Pustilla says: “I’ll see you tomorrow, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew knows she is correct. He is once again trapped in the Pustilla hell.

EPISODE 79: ANDREW AND RIORA

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man named Andrew Squervil goes to the apartment of his ex-girlfriend Riora. He knocks on the apartment’s front door.

Riora opens the door, looking lovely as always. Her apartment, which Andrew used to think was crummy, looks wonderful in comparison to the crummy apartment that Andrew currently resides in.

“Andrew?” Riora says, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Riora, please take me back,” Andrew says. “I should have never left you for Gloria. It was the worst mistake of my life. I realize that now. You’re the woman I love. You’re my one true soul mate. I ended my marriage to Gloria, so I could be with you. I know you’re now married to Liglio, the male underwear model, but I’m hoping you’ll end your marriage to him, so you can be with me. I love you, Riora. I love you.”

Riora is stunned. “Andrew, I… don’t know what to say,” she says. “I still have feelings for you… but you were really cruel to me! I had given up my life savings to get you out of prison, and I had let you live in my apartment for free. But that didn’t mean anything to you! You cruelly dumped me without hesitation for that rich slut Gloria!”

“I’ve changed, Riora,” Andrew says. “Please give me another chance. Give me another chance.”

“You stole my jewelry too, didn’t you?” Riora says.

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says, acting confused.

“After you moved out of my apartment, I noticed that a piece of jewelry was missing from my jewelry box: a gold, diamond-encrusted anklet that I liked to wear,” Riora says. “Did you steal it and sell it?”

“No!” Andrew says, lying. “Why would I ever do such a thing?”

“I thought maybe you needed the money,” Riora says. “You had major money problems before you left me for Gloria.”

“I would never steal from you,” Andrew says. “And I promise that if you take me back, I’ll do everything in my power to locate your lost anklet and get it back around your lovely ankle, where it belongs!”

“Andrew… I want to give you another chance,” Riora says. “But you must promise me that you’ll never treat me poorly again.”

“I promise,” Andrew says.

“Okay,” Riora says. “Okay, I’ll take you back, Andrew. You’ve got one more chance with me.”

Andrew and Riora kiss each other for a very long time.

“Oh Andrew, I love you so much,” Riora says.

“And I love you,” Andrew says. “So you’ll leave Liglio?”

“I have a surprise for you, Andrew: I already left Liglio!” Riora says.

“You did?” Andrew says, acting surprised. “But the last time we spoke, you said you were getting married to him.”

“We never got married,” Riora says. “I called off the wedding and dumped him after I caught him cheating on me.”

“That’s wonderful!” Andrew says. “You and him not getting married, I mean.”

Andrew is once again deceiving Riora: he already knew about her and Liglio’s break-up, having learned about it from Riora’s friend Pustilla; and Andrew never got married to the rich Gloria; Gloria dumped Andrew and cancelled their wedding; Andrew would never have left Gloria for Riora. Now, Andrew wants to get out of his crummy apartment and back into Riora’s less crummy apartment, as well as regain access to her purse. He considers having access to Riora’s sexy body an added bonus.

The next day, Andrew moves out of his crummy apartment, simultaneously escaping from his hideous, obese female landlord, who had been letting Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew despises the landlord and her body, but he went along with the arrangement, as it was the best living option available to him at the time. But now, he has Riora again. He moves back into her apartment.

A few days later, Riora comes home from work earlier than expected, and she catches Andrew stealing jewelry from her jewelry box. Enraged, Riora kicks Andrew in the face. She dumps him and evicts him from her apartment, dooming him to return to his previous crummy apartment and the hideous, obese female landlord.

EPISODE 80: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW MEETS THE SENTERA SISTERS

During a morning, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil leaves his crummy apartment and travels to a mansion that is located in a very upper-class neighborhood. The mansion belongs to a plump rich woman named Keeka. Keeka is Andrew’s ex-fiancee. Andrew and Keeka were supposed to get married a while ago, but Keeka cancelled their engagement and ended their relationship after she learned that Andrew had cheated on her with four beautiful women.

Outside of the mansion, Andrew knocks on its front door.

Keeka answers the door. To Andrew, she looks just as repulsive as he remembers her.

“Andrew?” Keeka says, surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Keeka, please take me back,” Andrew says, acting sincere. “I’m so sorry about what I did. I know it was wrong. It was a sleazy, sleazy thing to do. I realize that now. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I did. And I’ve changed since then. I’m a different person now. The man who cheated on you… I’m not that man anymore. I’m a good person now.”

“You humiliated me!” Keeka says. “How could I ever forgive you?”

“You have every right to stay angry with me, Keeka,” Andrew says. “But please don’t. Please, please forgive me. All I want now is to be with you.”

Keeka is looking at Andrew, cynical. Then she gazes over his well-toned body, thinking about how long it’s been since her last intimate encounter with a man. “Well, I suppose everyone deserves a second chance,” she says.

Later that morning, Andrew and Keeka are laying on the bed in the master bedroom of Keeka’s mansion, having just completed an intimate encounter.

“That was wonderful,” Keeka says.

Andrew feels nauseous. “Yes, I enjoyed it too,” he says, lying.

“I’m glad we’re a couple again,” Keeka says.

“Yes, me too,” Andrew says.

Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish that goal by marrying a rich woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. At the moment, he intends for Keeka to be that rich woman.

“Keeka, let’s get married,” Andrew says.

“Yes, let’s!” Keeka says.

“Great!” Andrew says. “How about we get married today?”

“Today?!” Keeka says.

“Yes, I don’t want to wait,” Andrew says.

“I do want to marry you, Andrew, but to do so today would be too soon,” Keeka says. “I want to take things slow. Plus, I need to discuss our wedding plans with my friends Miona, Nella, Fawna, and Tabeeza. They’re all currently away on a trip to another country and won’t be back home until two months from now.”

“You’re still friends with them?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Keeka says sadly. “But regardless of all that, I can’t get married to you today anyway, as I have to attend a funeral today. It’s the funeral of the aunt of my friend Sabrina. Will you attend the funeral with me, Andrew? I’d love to show you off to Sabrina. She’ll be so jealous.”

“Sure,” Andrew says, secretly annoyed by the thought of all the irritating chores he’ll need to do to keep Keeka happy in order to gain access to her fortune.

Later, Keeka and Andrew are in Keeka’s car. Keeka is driving the car toward the location where the funeral will be taking place.

“Andrew, I have to ask something of you,” Keeka says. “My friend, Sabrina Sentera… She and I have had some problems.”

“What kind of problems?” Andrew says.

“I used to have a boyfriend named Orvel,” Keeka says. “While he and I were dating, I caught him cheating on me with Sabrina. I was very angry with Sabrina about that for a very long time. I’ve since reconciled with her, and we’re on good terms now, but I still don’t fully trust her. I want you to promise me that you won’t cheat on me with Sabrina, or any other women.”

“I promise,” Andrew says. “I would never cheat on you again.”

Later, Andrew and Keeka arrive at the church where the funeral is to occur. While they are walking into the church, Andrew notices a nearby beautiful woman standing near a handsome man.

“Hello, Keeka,” the beautiful woman says.

“Hello, Sabrina,” Keeka says. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks, Keeka,” the beautiful woman, Sabrina, says. “I appreciate you coming here.” Then, while looking at Andrew with great interest, Sabrina says to Andrew: “Hello. I’m Sabrina Sentera. Who are you?”

“I’m Andrew Squervil,” Andrew says.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Keeka says.

“It’s so very nice to meet you, Andrew Squervil,” Sabrina says. “So very nice indeed.”

“I’m Luchenzo,” the handsome man standing next to Sabrina says. “I’m Sabrina’s husband.”

Nobody says anything in response to that.

“Let’s all go sit down, shall we?” Sabrina says. “The funeral is about to start.”

Later, the funeral is in progress. Many people are sitting in the church. Keeka and Andrew are sitting in the back of the church. Sabrina and Luchenzo are sitting somewhere in the front.

Keeka notices something. “Oh my…” she says, speaking in a low whisper. “I don’t believe it.”

“What is it?” Andrew says, also speaking in a low whisper.

Keeka points toward a beautiful woman sitting in the front of the church. The woman appears to be Sabrina.

“I don’t get it,” Andrew says. “That’s your friend Sabrina Sentera. So what?”

“No, Sabrina is sitting over there,” Keeka says, pointing in another direction.

Andrew looks in that direction and sees another beautiful woman who appears to be Sabrina. Luchenzo is sitting next to her.

“Sabrina has a twin sister?” Andrew says.

“There’s more to it than that,” Keeka says. “Sabrina told me that she is a nonuplet.”

“Really?” Andrew says. “She has eight identical sisters?”

“Yes,” Keeka says. “I’ve never met any of them. Sabrina told me that she is deeply estranged from them… and that her sisters are all deeply estranged from each other as well. According to Sabrina, they all hate each other, and only see each other at family reunions and family funerals. I used to suspect that Sabrina didn’t actually have any identical sisters; that she just made them up. But I guess I was wrong. Oh look, there’s another one!”

Andrew looks in the direction Keeka is now pointing to, and he sees another beautiful woman who looks like Sabrina Sentera.

“There’s another one!” Keeka says, pointing elsewhere. “And there’s another one! They’re everywhere!”

Now, Andrew sees Sabrina Sentera’s beautiful identical sisters all over the place.

Suddenly, inexplicably, Andrew has a sinking feeling that somehow, some way, the existence of these nine sexy Sentera sisters is going to spell trouble for his plan to marry Keeka for her money.

After the funeral has ended, as Keeka and Andrew are leaving the church, they are stopped by Sabrina Sentera.

“Thank you both for attending the funeral,” Sabrina says.

“Of course,” Keeka says.

“I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you, Keeka,” Sabrina says.

“What is it you need?” Keeka says.

“As you know, me and my eight sisters have had a troubled relationship with each other for a long, long time,” Sabrina says. “But this whole situation with my aunt has made me realize the importance of family. And now I want to reconcile with my sisters, and for them to reconcile with each other. I spoke with all of them earlier today, before the funeral. They agreed to see a relationship therapist with me for an intense, week-long therapy retreat. The therapist I want to hire will stay with us in a house for an entire week, and will subject us to many, many therapy sessions, to help us work through our problems with each other.”

“That sounds great,” Keeka says. “What do you need of me?”

“Well, the therapist would need us to provide the house in which the therapy retreat would take place,” Sabrina says. “And the home would need to be big enough to contain me and my eight sisters, along with the therapist. And since you live alone in a very large mansion with many, many spare bedrooms, I was hoping you could let us use your mansion for the therapy retreat.”

“Yes, I could do that,” Keeka says. “There are more than enough spare bedrooms in my mansion for all of us.”

“Great!” Sabrina says. “Thanks, Keeka. Can we start the retreat tonight? That would be most convenient for my sisters and the therapist.”

“Okay!” Keeka says.

“Great, I’ll call the therapist and let my sisters know,” Sabrina says. “We’ll all arrive at your mansion in a few hours.”

“Great!” Keeka says.

“Thanks again, Keeka,” Sabrina says. “You’re a good friend.”

Later, Andrew and Keeka are in Keeka’s car. Keeka is driving them back to the mansion.

“So I guess you can drop me at my apartment,” Andrew says.

“We’re going back to my mansion,” Keeka says.

“Oh,” Andrew says. “I just thought that, since you’re letting the Sentera sisters and that therapist occupy your mansion, I shouldn’t be there. I wouldn’t want to inadvertently intrude on their therapy sessions.”

“Of course you’re going to be there,” Keeka says. “You and I are both going to be there with them the entire time.”

“What?” Andrew says. “Why?”

“Because I’m going to have that therapist give you and me therapy as well,” Keeka says. “I’m still very angry with you for cheating on me! You and I have a lot of issues we need to work through if our future marriage is going to be a success. So it’ll be you, me, the therapist, and the Sentera sisters, all in my mansion together for a week.”

Andrew gulps. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid: being trapped in a mansion with the Sentera sisters for an extended period of time.

Since beginning his quest to become rich, Andrew has seduced many, many rich women. Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure. On many occasions, Andrew became romantically involved with a rich woman, only for the woman to end the relationship after learning that Andrew had cheated on her.

This time things will be different, Andrew thinks. He is determined to not make the same mistake again, no matter how many sexy temptresses he encounters.

Later, in Keeka’s mansion, Sabrina is introducing Keeka and Andrew to the therapist and the other Sentera sisters.

The other Sentera sisters are looking at Andrew with the same interested expression that Sabrina had when she first saw Andrew.

“I’m Sustranna,” one of the Sentera sisters says.

“I’m Selena,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Sara,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Samantha,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Sandra,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Sonya,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Severia,” another Sentera sister says.

“I’m Simona,” another Sentera sister says.

“And I am Doctor Ivonka Keibler,” the therapist, a tall, shapely blond woman, says.

While looking at all the Sentera sisters, Andrew thinks: I’m doomed.

“Doctor Keibler, during this therapy retreat, can you also make some time for therapy sessions for me and Andrew?” Keeka says. “We have a troubled relationship, due to Andrew’s past infidelity.”

“I’d love to give therapy to you and Andrew,” Ivonka the therapist says. “I will do everything I can to help you and Andrew become a much more functional couple, and to help Andrew refrain from repeating his past naughty, naughty behavior. I very much look forward to working with you, Andrew Squervil… and you too, Keeka.”

Andrew gulps, realizing that Ivonka might be an additional temptress he will need to resist over the next several days.

MUST MARRY KEEKA, Andrew thinks. MUST GET KEEKA’S MONEY, Andrew thinks. MUST AVOID ALL SEXY OBSTACLES, Andrew thinks.

Later, very late at night, Andrew and Keeka are laying on the bed in Keeka’s bedroom. Keeka is very asleep, but Andrew is still awake.

One of the Sentera sisters stops by the bedroom’s doorway, which is open. She is wearing a sexy red nightgown. She smiles at Andrew and motions for him to follow her.

Andrew thinks: well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to have just one.

He quickly gets out of the bed and exits the bedroom, following the Sentera sister elsewhere.

She leads Andrew into a spare bedroom, one that was not given to any of the guests.

The Sentera sister wraps her arms around Andrew’s neck and kisses him.

“I’ve wanted to do that since the first moment that I saw you,” she says.

“Which Sentera sister are you?” Andrew says.

She grins mischievously. “I’ll tell you afterwards,” she says.

“You won’t tell Keeka about this, will you?” Andrew says. “She’s so deeply in love with me. It would destroy her to find out I cheated on her with another woman, again. I care about her, and I want to protect her sanity.”

“I will never tell her,” the mystery Sentera sister says.

She kisses Andrew again, then leads him to a nearby bed.

Later, Andrew returns to Keeka’s bedroom and rejoins the sleeping Keeka on the bed. He very much enjoyed his secret intimate encounter with the Sentera sister. He thinks: if only her teeth weren’t so very, very sharp. But nevertheless, he feels that his appetite has been satiated; that his desire for the Sentera sisters has been satisfied.

His agenda for the remainder of this multi-day therapy retreat: attend many, many therapy sessions with Keeka and Ivonka; pretend to learn and grow from those sessions to satisfy Keeka; refrain from seducing or being seduced by any of the sexy women in this mansion.

Everything is going to be alright, Andrew thinks.

Several days pass. On the last day of the therapy retreat, the Sentera sisters and Ivonka are all about to leave Keeka’s mansion, as all the therapy has concluded. At the moment, Keeka and Andrew and Ivonka and the Sentera sisters are all standing in the mansion, near the mansion’s front doorway, saying their goodbyes.

“Thank you so much, Doctor Keibler,” Keeka says. “You’ve saved my future marriage.”

“Yes, you’re wonderful, Doctor Keibler,” Andrew says. “I’m a better man now because of you. Thank you so much.”

“The pleasure was all mine, Andrew,” Ivonka says.

“And you’ve helped me and my sisters as well, Doctor Keibler,” Sabrina says. “We all love each other again and are no longer estranged from each other.”

The other Sentera sisters all nod in agreement.

“I’m so happy to have helped you all,” Ivonka says. “You all made such progress this week.”

“Well, I guess you’ll all be leaving now,” Andrew says cheerfully.

“Yes,” Ivonka says. “Farewell, Andrew and Keeka!”

As Ivonka is reaching for the front door to open it, one of the Sentera sisters, Sustranna, says: “Wait!”

Ivonka stops. Everyone is looking at Sustranna.

“I have a confession to make,” Sustranna says. “A confession about me… and Andrew Squervil!”

Andrew gulps.

Sustranna says: “On the first night we were all in this mansion, Andrew and I had an intimate encounter.”

“What?!” Keeka and all the other Sentera sisters say in unison.

“It was supposed to be a sexy secret between me and Andrew,” Sustranna says. “And I wanted to keep it a secret, but the guilt has become too overwhelming. I’m so sorry, Keeka.”

“Andrew seduced me on our second night here!” Sabrina says. “He didn’t mention anything about something happening between him and Sustranna!”

“Andrew seduced me too!” Sonya says.

“And me too!” the six other Sentera sisters say in unison.

“What?!” Sustranna says. “But Andrew, what we had was supposed to be a special experience between us! How could you betray me like that with my sisters?”

Severia says: “On the night that he seduced me, he told me that it would be ‘a magical night of secret passion that we must tragically never repeat or tell anyone about, in the interest of protecting Keeka’s sanity.’”

“He said the exact same thing to me!” Sara says.

“And me!” Samantha says.

“And me!” Sonya and Simona and Sandra and Sabrina and Selena say in unison.

Keeka is looking at Andrew, stunned. Andrew is feeling dizzy. He thinks: this can’t get any worse for me.

And then it does: Ivonka steps forward and, as if making an announcement, says: “I, Ivonka Keibler, also had an intimate encounter with Andrew Squervil.”

“What?!” Keeka and the Sentera sisters say in unison.

“In fact, Andrew and I had multiple intimate encounters this week, during all of our private one-on-one therapy sessions,” Ivonka says. “I did it to try to get a better understanding of his infidelity… and also because I find him attractive.”

“Andrew, you sleazy monster!” Selena says. “How could you do this to Keeka? How could you do this to me? How could you do this to my sisters?”

Andrew is not sure what to say. All of his infidelity has now been exposed to Keeka, but he thinks that there somehow must be something he can say that will prevent Keeka from canceling their engagement and ending their relationship. Improvising, he says: “Keeka, I’m so sorry. I-”

Before he can say anything else, Keeka punches him in the face, so hard that it causes him to fall to the ground. She says: “I’m canceling our engagement and ending our relationship! I hate you, Andrew Squervil, and I do not want to ever see you again! Get out of my home!”

With tears streaming down her face, Keeka runs upstairs and goes into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

Andrew is still laying on the ground, dizzy from the punch.

Ivonka is standing over him, looking down at him. She shakes her head, like a disapproving school teacher. “Naughty, naughty Andrew…” she says.

Then, speaking to the Sentera sisters, Ivonka says: “Sentera sisters, before you all leave this mansion, it appears that an opportunity has arisen for one final group therapy exercise for all of you to do together: the beating of Andrew Squervil!”

Ivonka steps away from Andrew. All nine of the Sentera sisters surround him as he stands up, still disoriented. The Sentera sisters proceed to collectively pummel Andrew mercilessly for a very, very long time, while Ivonka looks on, pleased to see the Sentera sisters working together to achieve a common goal.

“Such wonderful progress you’re all making, Sentera sisters!” Ivonka says.

Later, Andrew is outside, walking down a long, desolate highway, traveling back to his crummy apartment, covered in bruises, defeated once again.

EPISODE 81: ULTIMATE WRESTLING CHALLENGE

During an afternoon, while a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, he hears someone knock on his apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer the door, hoping the person at the door isn’t his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew is not in the mood to make any ‘rent payments’ to her. Andrew is never in the mood to make any ‘rent payments’ to her.

Andrew answers the door. Much to his surprise, the person standing before him is not his hideous female landlord. Instead, a stunning beautiful woman from his past named Jessica is standing there. Standing next to Jessica is a very large, very muscular man from Andrew’s past named Grock. Jessica is a professional model. Grock is a professional wrestler. During Andrew’s previous encounter with Grock and Jessica, Grock was Jessica’s boyfriend. During Andrew’s previous encounter with Grock and Jessica, Grock pummeled Andrew mercilessly after catching Jessica cheating on Grock with Andrew. Andrew had bruises for many, many days after that.

“Hello, Andrew,” Jessica says, speaking in her ultra-sexy voice.

“Hello, Andrew,” Grock says.

“Please, please don’t hurt me again,” Andrew says, speaking to Grock. “I didn’t know she was your girlfriend. I really didn’t know!”

Grock places his hand on Andrew’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Andrew,” Grock says. “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to apologize to you.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “Apologize? To me?”

“That’s correct,” Jessica says. “After that day that Grock pummeled you mercilessly, he and I started seeing a relationship therapist to help us with our problems. Grock has had some major breakthroughs in therapy: he now realizes it was entirely his fault that I cheated on him with you. Isn’t that right, Grock?”

“Yes, it’s true,” Grock says. “If I had been a better boyfriend, Jessica wouldn’t have cheated on me like she did.”

“And now he is a better boyfriend, so I will never cheat on him again,” Jessica says.

“I’m sorry I attacked you, Andrew,” Grock says. “I feel really bad about that now. And I want to make it up to you. I’ve been talking with Jessica about it, and she suggested a great idea for how I could make amends. Let me explain it to you over lunch in a restaurant.”

“Sure,” Andrew says, still faintly worried that Grock is going to hit him at any moment.

Later, Andrew and Jessica and Grock are sitting at a table in a restaurant, having lunch.

“Thanks for buying me lunch,” Andrew says.

“My pleasure,” Grock says. “Now let me tell you how I’m going to make amends with you for pummeling you mercilessly: I’m going to make you rich.”

Andrew is intrigued. He has been trying to become rich for a while now, failing to do so each and every time. “How so?” he says.

“As you know, I’m a professional wrestler,” Grock says. “And as you know, I’m the current champion of the wrestling organization I’m a member of. That organization has an annual event called the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. In the event, the organization allows one layperson, a non-wrestler, to have a wrestling match with the organization’s champion. If the layperson wins the match, the organization gives the layperson a prize: a very, very large amount of money.”

“How much money?” Andrew says.

“Enough money to make a person rich,” Grock says. “This year’s Ultimate Wrestling Challenge is taking place next week. I’m going to arrange for you to be my layperson opponent.”

“‘Andrew versus Grock’,” Jessica says, as if the thought of Andrew wrestling Grock is turning her on.

“And I’m going to let you win, Andrew,” Grock says. “You’ll get the prize money and you’ll become rich.”

“Why would you do that for me?” Andrew says.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Grock says. “At least, I think it is. My therapist and Jessica both think it is. And they both know best.”

“Yes, we do know best,” Jessica says. “So will you do it, Andrew Squervil? Will you do the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge?”

“Sure,” Andrew says. “That sounds great!”

“Great!” Grock says. “Andrew, I think this is the beginning of a great friendship between us.”

“I think so too,” Andrew says, while Jessica’s foot is rubbing up again him underneath the table, unbeknownst to Grock.

Several days later, in the afternoon, while Andrew is in his apartment, someone knocks on the apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer the door, hoping to not see his hideous female landlord, who already stopped by twice today, much to his dismay.

Andrew answers the door. Standing before him is a tall, muscular woman. Andrew finds her attractive.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “Who are you?”

“My name is Vonda,” the woman says. “I’m Grock’s personal trainer. Grock told me about the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge and that he’s planning to lose to you on purpose. You need to back out of doing the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge.”

“Why would I ever back out of doing it?” Andrew says. “It’s going to make me rich.”

“If you let Grock lose to you, his wrestling career will be completely ruined,” Vonda says. “No layperson has ever won the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. No layperson has ever been expected to win the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. That’s why the wrestling organization is willing to put up so much money for the prize: because they know that no layperson could really defeat their champion in a wrestling match. If Grock loses to you, his career will be over. He’ll become a joke. No one in the wrestling industry will respect him anymore or want anything more to do with him.”

“Why do you care if Grock’s career is ruined?” Andrew says.

“I’ve been Grock’s personal trainer since he started his wrestling career,” Vonda says. “But I’m not just his personal trainer. I’m his friend. I want what’s best for him. But Grock has been on a downward trajectory ever since he became involved with that slut Jessica.”

Andrew, who is trying to seduce Vonda, says: “You’re jealous of Jessica, aren’t you?”

Vonda flinches, as if Andrew’s statement stung her. Then she says: “Grock is… Grock is a wonderful man… with a wonderful body. He has a truly fantastic physique that only a personal trainer like myself can truly appreciate. For years, Grock and I would have flirtatious conversations with each other. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before Grock and I became carnally involved with each other. He’s all I ever wanted. And I know I was so close to getting what I wanted. One night, as Grock was getting ready for a wresting match he was about to have, I invited him to come to my apartment after the match. I told him that I would have a very special surprise for him. That special surprise was going to be me in very revealing lingerie.”

“So what happened?” Andrew says, imagining Vonda in very revealing lingerie.

“That night, while Grock was having his wrestling match in a crowded arena, he noticed a stunningly beautiful woman in the front row,” Vonda says.

“Jessica?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Vonda says. “I was in the arena that night as well. I saw Grock’s reaction to Jessica when he first saw her. He was instantly mesmerized by her pretty face and curvaceous body. I knew I had lost him. After the match, he left the arena with her, and she’s been a bad influence on him ever since. She’s not right for him. Grock deserves someone better.”

“Like you?” Andrew says.

“I would treat Grock well,” Vonda says. “And I would never cheat on him, like Jessica did.”

“Grock and Jessica love each other,” Andrew says. “You need to forget about your feelings for Grock and move on… just like I need to forget about my feelings for Jessica and move on.”

“You… love Jessica?” Vonda says.

“Yes,” Andrew says, lying. “But she loves Grock, so I need to move on. You and I both need to move on. Perhaps we can help each other move on. Would you like to come inside and have a drink?”

“I…” Vonda says. “Okay.”

Later, Andrew and Vonda are laying on the bed in Andrew’s apartment, having just completed an intimate encounter.

“That was wonderful,” Vonda says.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says. “Now get out of my apartment.”

“What?!” Vonda says. “You want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “I’ve gotten what I wanted from you.”

“But I thought you and I were going to help each other move on!” Vonda says. “I thought you were a nice guy!”

“I was just pretending to care,” Andrew says. “Deceiving you.”

“You don’t even love Jessica, do you?” Vonda says.

“No, but I really, really like her body,” Andrew says. “Incidentally, Jessica has resumed cheating on Grock with me. She was here yesterday, and she invited me to stop by her house later today.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Vonda says. “Aren’t you afraid I’ll tell Grock?”

“You won’t tell Grock,” Andrew says. “Because you know that Grock would never believe you. He would assume that it’s nothing more than ‘pathetic, jealous Vonda telling lies’.”

“You’re a monster!” Vonda says. “I hate you so much!”

She gets out of the bed and gets dressed. Then she leaves the apartment.

Andrew smiles sinisterly. Soon I will be rich, he thinks.

A few days later, on the night that the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge is to occur, Andrew and Grock and Jessica and Vonda are in the arena where Andrew and Grock’s wrestling match is to occur. At the moment, the four of them are backstage together. Jessica has her arm around Grock, like a loving girlfriend. Vonda is staring at the ground, sullen.

Grock says to Andrew: “So here’s how it’s all going to happen, Andrew: first you’re going to come out to the wrestling ring while the announcer says your name to the audience; then I’m going to come out to the wrestling ring while the announcer says my name to the audience; then after we’re both in the wrestling ring, a gigantic steel cage is going to be lowered from the ceiling.”

“A steel cage?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Grock says. “It’s done for dramatic effect. The cage will be lowered down so that it completely encases the wrestling ring, trapping us both inside. It’s to make the audience feel like you’re in deep trouble; that there’s no way you can escape being pummeled mercilessly by me. Of course, they don’t know what you and I know about what’s really going to happen tonight.”

Grock winks mischievously at Andrew.

Andrew smiles at Grock, thinking about how funny it is that just a few hours ago, Andrew was having a secret intimate encounter with Jessica.

“So then, after the cage is lowered, a bell will be rung, signifying the start of the match,” Grock says. “I’ll start running toward you like I’m going to pulverize you, but then I’m going to pretend to trip and twist my ankle. I’m going to fall to the ground and grab my ankle as if I’m in pain. Then you’re going to cover my body with your body. The referee will count to three and then declare you the winner. And then you’ll be given the prize money.”

A few minutes later, Andrew and Grock are standing in the wrestling ring, surrounded by a massive audience. The gigantic steel cage is lowered from the ceiling, encasing the wrestling ring, trapping Andrew and Grock inside it.

Andrew sees Vonda and Jessica standing a few inches outside the cage. Jessica looks pensive, as if she’s worried about something.

Suddenly, Jessica presses up against the cage and says: “Grock, don’t do it! I changed my mind! This is a bad idea! Losing to Andrew will ruin your career! I love you, and I want you to continue being successful! You must defeat Andrew Squervil!”

“What?!” Andrew says.

A bell is rung, signifying the start of the match.

“Pummel him mercilessly, Grock!” Jessica says.

“Yes, smash his face, Grock!” Vonda says.

“But… I can’t do that to Andrew!” Grock says. “He’s my friend! I would never hurt him again!”

“He’s not your friend, Grock!” Jessica says. “This past week, Andrew seduced me, multiple times!”

“WHAT?!” Grock says, furious.

“Uh-oh,” Andrew says.

“I cheated on you with Andrew again, multiple times!” Jessica says. “I’m so sorry, and we’ll go back to our therapist tomorrow to work on our problems, but for now, you must take your revenge on Andrew Squervil!”

“Oh no,” Andrew says. He wants to run away from Grock, but he can’t escape, as he’s trapped within the steel cage. The last thing he sees before Grock grabs him is Vonda’s smirking face.

Grock pummels Andrew for a very, very long time.

Then Grock covers Andrew with Grock’s body. The referee counts to three, then declares Grock the winner. Andrew has once again failed to become rich.

Grock immediately resumes pummeling Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 82: THE CULT OF UNFORTUNATE ANDREW

During a morning, a handsome, sleazy man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is walking on a desolate highway, covered in bruises, having recently completed a misadventure in which he failed in his latest attempt to become rich. Instead of becoming rich, Andrew was pummeled mercilessly by a large, muscular professional wrestler named Grock. Many of Andrew’s misadventures have ended with him being pummeled mercilessly.

The pummeling from Grock occurred last night. When Andrew regained consciousness, it was morning and Grock was gone. Now Andrew is traveling back to his crummy apartment.

Later in the morning, Andrew arrives at the apartment building that he lives in. As Andrew is about to enter his apartment, he hears footsteps behind him. He hopes it isn’t his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in his apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew is not in the mood to provide her with any ‘rent payments’. Andrew is never in the mood to provide her with any ‘rent payments’.

He turns around. Much to his surprise, six women are standing before him. They are all dressed in black. One of them is a stalker from his past named Sheila. He has never seen the other five women before.

“Hello, Andrew,” Sheila says.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says, annoyed. “I thought you were confined to a sanitarium.”

“I was,” Sheila says. “But I was released. The doctors there decided I was all better.”

“Who are they?” Andrew says, referring to the other women.

“They’re friends of mine,” Sheila says. “I met them in the sanitarium. I told them all about you.”

“Why are you all here?” Andrew says.

“I came here to tell you I don’t hate you anymore, Andrew Squervil,” Sheila says. “After you got me confined to a sanitarium, my intense love for you transformed into intense hate. For a long time, I wanted to get revenge on you. And after I told my friends here about you, they very much wanted to help me get revenge on you. But then the six of us had a collective spiritual awakening. We realized that you, Andrew Squervil, are an object to worship, not hate. You were delivered to us from the gods above, and fate selected the six of us to be priestesses who are to spend the rest of our days worshipping you. We call ourselves ‘The Cult of Unfortunate Andrew’.”

“‘Unfortunate Andrew’?” Andrew says. “Why are you referring to me as ‘Unfortunate Andrew’?”

“Because it’s your destiny to be unfortunate,” Sheila says.

“Destiny’s decree,” one of the other priestesses says.

“Every time that you, Unfortunate Andrew, get pummeled mercilessly, or get imprisoned, or fail to become rich, or have an intimate encounter with a woman you don’t find attractive, I feel like the gods are communicating with me,” one of the other priestesses says.

“We all feel that way,” one of the other priestesses says.

“Your misery is our religion,” Sheila says.

“This is getting really creepy,” Andrew says. “I want all of you to stay away from me.”

“That won’t be possible, Unfortunate Andrew,” Sheila says. “We all live in this apartment building now, so you’ll be seeing all of us on a regular basis. A very regular basis.”

“Stay away from me!” Andrew says. He goes into his apartment, then slams its front door shut.

“You’re mine, Andrew Squervil,” Sheila says menacingly.

“You’re ours, Andrew Squervil,” the other priestesses say menacingly.

EPISODE 83: EPIC MEGA-CROSSOVER EVENT

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go out for the night. Andrew is planning to visit a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated with rich, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish that goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Andrew hopes to meet such a woman in the nightclub tonight.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of Andrew’s attempts to con a rich woman into marriage have ended in failure.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. Andrew goes to answer the door, hoping that the person at the door is not his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in his apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew is not in the mood to give her any ‘rent payments’. Andrew is never in the mood to give her any ‘rent payments’.

Andrew answers the door. Much to his surprise, the hideous female landlord is not standing before him. Instead, standing before him is a stunningly beautiful woman from his past named Lililalaya.

Lililalaya is a very rich, very famous celebrity. She is a supermodel and an actress and a songstress. She is also the object of desire in many, many men’s fantasies.

Andrew’s first encounter with Lililalaya occurred in a tavern one night. At the time, Lililalaya was wearing a wig, to disguise herself from the public. Despite the wig, Andrew recognized her. He approached her at the bar and introduced himself to her, attempting to seduce her. Lililalaya quickly figured out that Andrew is a sleazy loser, but luckily for Andrew, having intimate encounters with sleazy losers is one of her favorite pastimes. Later that night, in a hotel room, Andrew and Lililalaya had an intimate encounter. Afterwards, Andrew tried to blackmail Lililalaya for a large amount of money. Unfortunately for Andrew, his blackmail scheme failed. Instead of getting any money from Lililalaya, he was electrocuted by her via her stun gun, and then pummeled mercilessly by Lililalaya’s personal assistant, a tall, very muscular woman named Dominica.

Many of Andrew’s misadventures have ended with him being pummeled mercilessly.

“Lililalaya?” Andrew says.

“Hello, Andrew,” Lililalaya says.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says.

“I’m here to see you,” Lililalaya says. “I’ve gone through great lengths to locate you. I’ve thought about you often since the night of our intimate encounter. Before that night, and since that night, I’ve had many, many lovers, but I now realize that none of them were as good a lover as you, Andrew. You truly are the greatest lover I’ve ever had. And for that reason, I want to have permanent, ongoing access to your body.”

“What are you proposing?” Andrew says.

“I want to get married to you,” Lililalaya says. “Will you marry me, Andrew Squervil?”

Andrew is worried that this all might be just a dream. He certainly wouldn’t be the first man to have a dream about Lililalaya, one of the most desirable women in the universe.

But it’s not a dream. It’s real.

“This must be some kind of trick,” Andrew says. “You’re tricking me, aren’t you? To get back at me for trying to blackmail you?”

“No, it’s not a trick,” Lililalaya says.

“I’m not convinced,” Andrew says.

“Perhaps this will convince you,” Lililalaya says.

She wraps her arms around Andrew’s neck and kisses him.

The taste of Lililalaya’s lips somehow removes all doubt from Andrew’s mind.

“Yes,” he says. “I will marry you.”

“Great,” Lililalaya says. “Let’s seal the deal with an intimate encounter. But not here. This whole apartment building is disgusting. Let’s go to my mansion… which will soon be ‘our mansion’.”

Later, in the master bedroom of Lililalaya’s mansion, Andrew and Lililalaya are laying on Lililalaya’s gigantic bed, having just completed an intimate encounter.

“That was great,” Lililalaya says.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says. “So when are we going to get married?”

“In one month from now,” Lililalaya says. “We have a lot of planning to do for this wedding. I want it to be a monstrously lavish event with a ridiculous amount of guests. And I want a film crew to be there.”

“A film crew?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “I want them to film the entire wedding event for a documentary I want to release on television. The documentary will be called Lililalaya Gets Married.”

“That sounds great,” Andrew says, thinking about how his marriage to Lililalaya will make him famous, and therefore more desirable to women he wants to seduce.

“So who do you want to invite to the wedding?” Lililalaya says.

“I don’t know,” Andrew says. “No one, I guess.”

“Really?” Lililalaya says. “I’m going to invite lots of people: my friend Zarlena; my friend Nicole; my friend Naomi; my personal assistant Dominica; my other personal assistant Leonardo; and all of my enemies.”

“Why would you invite your enemies to your wedding?” Andrew says.

“To rub my happiness in their faces,” Lililalaya says. “Surely, you’re going to invite your enemies too, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t really thought about it,” Andrew says.

“You must invite your enemies!” Lililalaya says. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you! Even if they don’t attend the wedding, just receiving the wedding invitations will make them jealous and resentful of you.”

“That’s an excellent point,” Andrew says. “Okay, I’ll do it! But I have a lot of enemies, and I might have trouble locating some of their current addresses for the mailing of the invitations.”

“I’ll have my personal assistants Dominica and Leonardo help you with that,” Lililalaya says. “They will be completely at your disposal.”

“Wonderful,” Andrew says.

He stares up at the ceiling of Lililalaya’s bedroom, feeling very satisfied. I deserve all this, he thinks.

Over the next few weeks, invitations to Andrew and Lililalaya’s wedding are sent to various people from Andrew’s past, including but not limited to: Koila; Velaina; Pustilla; Martin Pimbly; Karl; Ursula; Darlene; Vora; Clora; Keeka; Miona; Nella; Fawna; Tabeeza; Prettia; Igbert; Londra; Ilgana; Gloria; Minga; Riora; Yelena; Vlik; Zotica; Sofia; Tartana; Gwendola; Breea; Sindra Spindler; Lauren; Annette; Jan; Mindy; Julia; Lethelia; Tresella; Strinella; Thona; Sara Sentera; Samantha Sentera; Sabrina Sentera; Sandra Sentera; Selena Sentera; Simona Sentera; Sonya Sentera; Severia Sentera; Sustranna Sentera; Ivonka Keibler; Olga; Inna; Duncan; Barbara; Andreea; Rena Dibizbee; Molly; Elaine; Sharon; Francine; Jessica; Grock; Tracey Blerp; Georgina; Sheila; Vanessa; Troy Martel; Patricia Fershteyn; Bellina; Catalina; Debra; Mia; Endara; Johaxtra; Dana; Vonda; and Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaya Kruglyak Stefanescu.

On the day of the wedding, Andrew and Lililalaya and Dominica and Leonardo are standing in the gigantic stadium where the wedding is scheduled to occur later today. The stadium is decorated to appear appropriate for a monstrously lavish wedding.

“This all looks great,” Lililalaya says. “When do we start letting the guests into the stadium?”

“In two hours,” Leonardo says.

“What is the status of the invitation responses?” Andrew says.

“All of the people Lililalaya invited have responded that they will be in attendance,” Dominica says, trying to conceal her hatred for Andrew Squervil. “Nearly all of the people Andrew invited have responded that they will be in attendance. Keeka’s friend Miona advised me that Keeka will not be able to attend the wedding, as Keeka is currently confined to a zoo cage.”

“What about Eternia?” Andrew says, referring to one of his ex-lovers. “Were you ever able to locate Eternia?”

“No,” Dominica says.

“A lot of people who will be in attendance tonight really hate me,” Andrew says. “I’m concerned that many of them might try to attack me. Perhaps it would be best if there was some kind of barrier between us and the audience tonight.”

“Don’t worry, Andrew,” Lililalaya says. “There will be several dozen security guards between us and the audience tonight.”

“It’s all really finally coming together, isn’t it?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “It is. You’re finally getting the happy ending you deserve, Andrew Squervil.”

Lililalaya and Andrew kiss each other for a very long time.

Later that day, all of the guests have arrived and are sitting in the stadium. On a stage in the center of the stadium are Andrew and Lililalaya and Dominica and a minister and a film crew. The stage is surrounded by many, many security guards. Andrew feels very secure. The film crew is filming the proceedings.

“Let’s begin, shall we?” the minister says.

“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “Let’s.”

Soon I will be rich, Andrew thinks.

The minister, speaking into a microphone that allows him to be heard through the loudspeakers throughout the stadium, says: “Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming to this joyous event: the wedding of Lililalaya and Andrew Squervil.”

In response to the mention of Andrew’s name, many, many people begin booing loudly.

Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Andrew Squervil, do you agree to become Lililalaya’s husband, thereby making you rich and thereby giving you ongoing access to Lililalaya’s ultra-sexy body?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, speaking into the microphone. “I agree.”

The booing in the audience is getting louder and angrier, as if the angry audience members want to tear Andrew to pieces.

Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Lililalaya, do you agree to become Andrew’s wife, thereby giving him permanent access to your wealth and ongoing access to your ultra-sexy body?”

“Yes,” Lililalaya says, speaking into the microphone. “I agree.”

Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Then, by the power invested in me, I declare that you, Andrew Squervil… HAVE JUST BEEN LILILALAYA’D!”

Suddenly, Dominica comes up behind Andrew and pours a bucket of slime on his head. Lililalaya laughs at Andrew mockingly.

“What?!” Andrew says. “I don’t understand! What is happening?”

“This has all been a hoax, Andrew,” Lililalaya says. “The minister is not a real minister. He’s just an actor I hired. And there isn’t going to be any documentary called Lililalaya Gets Married. This film crew here is actually filming the first episode of a new television show I’m hosting called Lililalaya’d. In the show, I play cruel pranks on deserving victims. I call it getting Lililalaya’d. And you’re my first victim, Andrew Squervil!”

“You’ve just been Lililalaya’d!” the fake minister says again.

“So we’re not getting married?!” Andrew says.

Lililalaya laughs cruelly. “No, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “I would never get married to a sleazy loser like you. Now, it’s time for you to get off my stage. Dominica?”

Dominica grabs Andrew and throws him off the stage, into the audience, which includes many, many people who hate Andrew Squervil: scorned ex-lovers; men whose wives had been seduced by Andrew; people Andrew had stolen from; people whose lives had been ruined by Andrew; etcetera.

Speaking into the microphone, Lililalaya says: “Attention, everyone! As you may realize by now, I’m not going to get married to Andrew Squervil. Also, I’m hereby ordering my security guards to cease protecting Andrew from your wrath. So if any of you people in the audience want to pummel Andrew mercilessly, feel free to do so.”

Many, many people in the audience proceed to collectively pummel Andrew mercilessly, while Lililalaya and many, many other people look on, amused.

EPISODE 84: OLGA VERSUS INNA

During an afternoon, a beautiful blond woman named Olga and a handsome man named Andrew Squervil are laying on a bed in Olga’s apartment, having very recently completed an intimate encounter.

“That was wonderful, Andrew,” Olga says, speaking in her ultra-sexy, Russian-sounding accent.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says.

“I’m so glad I agreed to take you back as my boyfriend,” Olga says.

“Me too,” Andrew says.

“To think, not that long ago, I was kicking you in the face repeatedly after finding out you’d cheated on me,” Olga says. “And now, here we are, together again!”

“Yes, I’m really glad you forgave me for my past infidelity, Olga,” Andrew says.

Some time ago, while he was in a nightclub, Andrew met two beautiful women who were there together. The women’s names were Olga and Inna. They were friends who lived in the same apartment. After conversing with Olga and Inna for over an hour, Andrew found that there was so much he liked about Olga and Inna: their sexy, foreign accents; their pretty faces; their shapely bodies; Olga’s long, straight, blond hair; Inna’s long, wavy, brown hair; their cruel, arrogant, selfish personalities; the sexy, sharp stiletto shoes they were wearing; and, most importantly of all to Andrew, their apparently well-funded bank accounts. Andrew knew it would not be in his best interests to romantically pursue both women simultaneously, but his desire for both Olga and Inna was too strong.

Over the next several days, going against common sense, Andrew initiated a secret romantic relationship with Olga and a secret romantic relationship with Inna. Neither woman was aware of Andrew’s romantic relationship with the other woman. Andrew had manipulated both women into keeping their romantic relationships with Andrew a secret from each other.

At the beginning of Andrew’s romantic relationship with Olga, Andrew said to Olga: “We should keep our relationship a secret for now. Inna is deeply infatuated with me. It would devastate her to find out that I’m in a relationship with you, her best friend.”

Olga agreed.

At the beginning of Andrew’s romantic relationship with Inna, Andrew said to Inna: “We should keep our relationship a secret for now. Olga is deeply infatuated with me. It would devastate her to find out that I’m in a relationship with you, her best friend.”

Inna agreed.

For a period of time, Andrew successfully carried on his secret affairs with Olga and Inna. He was very happy during that time.

Then one day, perhaps inevitably, Olga and Inna simultaneously found out about Andrew’s duel deceptions. In response to this discovery, the two women pummeled him mercilessly and broke up with him.

But now, Andrew is back together with Olga, having convinced her that he is a changed man, and is in love with her, and only her.

While laying on the bed with Olga in Olga’s apartment, Andrew says: “What happened to Inna?”

“Inna and I had a falling out,” Olga says. “She moved out of the apartment.”

“Was it me that caused the falling out?” Andrew says, secretly amused by the idea that he destroyed a friendship between two people.

“No,” Olga says. “It was something else. It had to do with an anklet.”

“An anklet?” Andrew says, feeling a vague sense of dread. Inexplicably, he has had multiple bad experiences involving beautiful women’s anklets, so the mere utterance of the word ‘anklet’ by a beautiful woman causes him to feel a vague sense of dread.

“Yes, an anklet,” Olga says. “It belonged to me. It was very valuable. I kept it in a jewelry box under my bed. I only wore it on very special occasions. Inna saw the anklet a few times, and said she really, really liked it. One day, not that long ago, Inna and I were getting ready to go to a very exclusive party. And I decided to wear my anklet for the occasion. But when I opened my jewelry box, the anklet was gone! I accused Inna of stealing it. She denied doing so, but I know she was lying! She had wanted that anklet so much! So I continued to accuse her, and we got into a big, hostile argument, and she ended up moving out. I haven’t spoken to her since. But not that long ago, I saw her walking down a street. And she was wearing an anklet that looked very much like the one I had! I think it was my anklet!”

“Are you sure?” Andrew says.

“I think so,” Olga says. “I’m fairly sure it was my anklet she was wearing.”

“Did you confront her about it?” Andrew says.

“No,” Olga says. “I should have.”

“It’s terrible that Inna stole your anklet,” Andrew says, secretly amused. “Inna is a terrible woman.”

Andrew is secretly amused because he knows that it was actually him who stole Olga’s anklet. Prior to the day that he was dumped by Olga and Inna, Andrew stole the anklet from the jewelry box. He later sold it for money. It wasn’t the first time Andrew had stolen from a girlfriend.

“Oh Andrew,” Olga says. “All this talk about Inna and the anklet is upsetting me. Make me forget these horrible memories.”

Andrew proceeds to have another intimate encounter with Olga.

I deserve this happiness, Andrew thinks incorrectly.

The next day, in Olga’s apartment, Olga says to Andrew: “Andrew, all that talk about Inna and the anklet yesterday really upset me. I can’t get it out of my mind. I want you to do something about it.”

“You mean you want me to satisfy you again?” Andrew says, about to start undressing.

“No,” Olga says. “I want you to go to Inna’s apartment and get the anklet back for me.”

“How so?” Andrew says.

“Do whatever you need to do,” Olga says. “But I want it back.”

“Olga, this is ridiculous,” Andrew says. “You should just forget about the anklet. You need to move on.”

Olga stares at Andrew suspiciously for a few seconds. Then she says: “Inna told me she thought you stole the anklet.”

“What?!” Andrew says, feigning surprise.

“On the day that I found out my anklet was missing from the jewelry box, Inna told me she thought you stole the anklet,” Olga says. “She said: ‘I bet it was that sleazy loser Andrew Squervil who stole it.’.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Andrew says.

“Maybe Inna was right!” Olga says. “Maybe you did steal it and now you’re just trying to cover up the truth!”

“No!” Andrew says. “No! It was Inna!”

“You’re lying!” Olga says. “That’s why you don’t want to go to Inna’s apartment to get my anklet: because you know my anklet isn’t there! I’m going to call the police and have you arrested!”

Olga begins walking toward a nearby telephone. Andrew knows that if the police investigate, they’ll easily find all kinds of evidence of his sale of Olga’s stolen anklet, and Andrew will be doomed.

“Wait!” Andrew says. “Okay, I’ll do it!”

Olga stops.

“You’ll do what?” she says.

“I’ll go to Inna’s apartment and get your anklet back from her,” Andrew says.

“You will?” Olga says.

“Yes, if only to prove that I didn’t steal your anklet,” Andrew says.

“So you’ll really get it back for me?” Olga says.

“Yes,” Andrew says. “By this time tomorrow, your anklet will be out of Inna’s evil clutches and back around your lovely ankle, where it belongs.”

“Oh Andrew, you’re so good to me,” Olga says.

She kisses him.

Later, after a failed attempt to get Olga’s anklet back from the person he sold it to, Andrew enters the apartment building that Inna currently resides in. He goes to the front door of Inna’s apartment. He knocks on the door. As expected, no one answers. Inna is supposed to be away at work now.

Andrew begins trying to break the door open. His plan is to steal the anklet that Olga saw Inna wearing, as it apparently bears a very strong resemblance to Olga’s anklet.

Unfortunately for Andrew, Inna suddenly appears in the hallway, back from work earlier than expected.

“Andrew Squervil!” Inna says, speaking in her ultra-sexy, Russian-sounding accent. “What are you doing here?”

Andrew stops and turns around to face Inna, unsure if she saw him trying to break the door open.

“Hello, Inna,” he says, acting innocent. “It’s good to see you.”

Andrew notices that Inna is wearing a gold, diamond-encrusted anklet on her ankle. To Andrew, it looks identical to the anklet he stole from Olga. He assumes that the anklet Inna is wearing today is the same one that Olga had seen Inna wearing.

“Don’t play innocent with me, Andrew,” Inna says. “I know why you came here.”

Andrew gulps. “You do?” he says.

She smiles seductively. “Yes,” she says. “And I can’t say I blame you. Many men desire my spectacular body. Even though I think you’re a sleazy loser, I still do find you attractive. I don’t want you to be my boyfriend anymore, but you will be an ideal disposable lover.”

She begins kissing him.

Later, Andrew and Inna are laying on a bed in Inna’s apartment, having very recently completed an intimate encounter.

“That was great,” Inna says. “Now get out.”

“Okay,” Andrew says.

A few minutes later, Andrew exits Inna’s apartment. In the apartment building’s hallway, he takes Inna’s anklet out of his pocket. Unbeknownst to Inna, Andrew discreetly removed the anklet from Inna’s ankle while she was distracted by their intimate encounter. He hopes Inna does not notice that her anklet is missing for a long, long time.

Suddenly, he hears Inna say, from in her apartment: “MY ANKLET IS MISSING! WHERE IS MY ANKLET? COME BACK HERE, ANDREW! I KNOW YOU STOLE MY ANKLET!”

Andrew begins running away.

Later, he arrives at Olga’s apartment. Olga lets him into the apartment.

Andrew hands her the anklet he stole from Inna. “Here’s your anklet,” Andrew says.

Olga begins examining the anklet. “How did you get it?” she says.

“I broke into Inna’s apartment while she was away at work,” Andrew says, lying. “Now Olga, I need your help with something. There’s a possibility that Inna may call the police and accuse me of stealing the anklet. I’m going to need an alibi.”

“Why would she suspect you of stealing the anklet?” Olga says, still inspecting the anklet. “You said she was away at work when you were there.”

“Yes, you’re right,” Andrew says. “But nonetheless, I want to make sure I have an alibi if necessary. If anyone asks, I was with you in your apartment all day today.”

Olga stops examining the anklet. “This isn’t my anklet,” she says.

“What?!” Andrew says.

“This isn’t my anklet,” Olga says.

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says. “Of course it’s your anklet!”

“It’s not,” Olga says.

“It’s virtually identical to the anklet you had,” Andrew says. “It’s golden. It’s diamond-encrusted. It’s your anklet!”

“It looks very similar, but there were only three diamonds encrusted on my anklet, whereas this anklet has four diamonds encrusted on it,” Olga says. “Wait… How did you know that this anklet looks so much like mine?”

“What do you mean?” Andrew says.

“Just now, you said that this anklet is ‘virtually identical’ to the anklet I had,” Olga says. “You knew that my anklet was golden and diamond-encrusted. How would you know that? I had never shown you my anklet, and I never told you that it was golden and diamond-encrusted. So how did you know that this anklet looks so much like the one I had?”

Andrew gulps. “Olga, I can explain,” he says.

“Explain it to the police,” Olga says.

She grabs a nearby frying pan and whacks Andrew on the head with it, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.

Olga proceeds to call the police.

Later, Andrew wakes up. There are two police officers standing over him. They arrest him for both his theft of Olga’s anklet and his theft of Inna’s anklet.

A few days later, Andrew’s trial is about to begin. Unfortunately for Andrew, the judge assigned to his trial is one of his ex-lovers, a beautiful woman named Sindra. Like most of Andrew’s ex-lovers, Sindra now despises Andrew.

At the beginning of the trial, Sindra says to Andrew, in a tone of mocking cruelty: “Well, well, well… Andrew Squervil: the legend continues.”

Sindra judges Andrew guilty and sentences him to a form of incarceration known as the Chamber of Misery.

Olga and Inna reconcile with each other and forget all about Andrew.

EPISODE 85: JESSICA’S DREAM JOURNAL

Having recently been released from his most recent incarceration, a sleazy, handsome man named Andrew Squervil returns to his crummy apartment. No more mistakes, Andrew thinks. He is determined to succeed in his goal to become rich. He is determined to con a rich woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. He is determined to not get into any more misadventures that result in him being mercilessly beaten and/or imprisoned, as he has been wont to do.

In his apartment, Andrew hears someone knock on the apartment’s front door. With dread, Andrew goes to answer the door. He assumes that the person at the door is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the living arrangement, but he has been going along with it, as he has major money problems.

Andrew opens the door. Much to his surprise, the person standing before him is not the hideous female landlord, but instead a stunningly beautiful woman from his past named Jessica.

“Hello, Andrew,” Jessica says.

“Stay away from me,” Andrew says.

“Why would you say such a thing?” Jessica says.

“You’ve always been nothing but trouble for me,” Andrew says. “Every time I ever got involved with you, I ended up getting imprisoned or getting pummeled mercilessly by your crazy wrestler boyfriend.”

“You needn’t worry,” Jessica says. “My boyfriend Grock and I have made great strides in our relationship therapy sessions. He now trusts me completely. He no longer expects me to cheat on him with you again.”

“So why are you here?” Andrew says.

Jessica smiles mischievously. “To cheat on him with you again,” she says.

“You really think I’m foolish enough to ever get involved with you again?” Andrew says.

“Andrew, stop deluding yourself,” Jessica says. “We both know you can’t resist me.”

She wraps her arms around Andrew and kisses him.

Later, they are laying on the bed in Andrew’s bedroom, having recently completed an intimate encounter.

“That was wonderful,” Jessica says. “It’s amazing that you can give so much pleasure with such a small-”

“Are you sure your boyfriend Grock doesn’t suspect anything?” Andrew says. The memory of Grock’s meaty fists smashing into Andrew’s face over and over again is still fresh in Andrew’s mind.

“I’m positive Grock doesn’t suspect anything,” Jessica says. “Right now, he thinks I’m out shopping with some of my sexy female model friends. There’s no way that he would ever suspect… Oh wait. Oh no. I just remembered something.”

“What?” Andrew says, suddenly very fearful.

“I was writing in my dream journal this morning,” Jessica says. “And after I was done writing in it, I forgot to put it away. I left it open and on a table.”

“Where is the table?” Andrew says.

“In the dining room of the home that Grock and I live in,” Jessica says. “There’s a very good chance that Grock will find it. And I had left the journal open to the page containing today’s entry. So that’s the first entry he will see.”

“So what?” Andrew says. “What does it matter if he sees an entry in your dream journal?”

“Because in today’s dream journal entry, I wrote about a dream I had last night,” Jessica says. “The dream was about you and me. I described the dream in graphic detail.”

Andrew gulps. “You did?” he says.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “And I included an accompanying drawing of the dream.”

Andrew gulps again. “You did?” he says.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “And it was a very detailed, very accurate drawing, capturing both our likenesses. I’m very good at drawing people.”

Andrew gulps again. “You are?” he says.

“Yes,” Jessica says. “And in the journal entry, I also mentioned that I intended to visit you in this apartment today to cheat on Grock with you.”

Andrew gulps again. “You did?” he says.

“Yes,” Jessica says.

Thirty minutes earlier, in Grock and Jessica’s home, a very large, very muscular man named Grock enters the dining room. Grock sees Jessica’s dream journal. It is open and on a table. He sees today’s dream journal entry, including the drawing of Andrew and Jessica. In the drawing, Andrew and Jessica are both without clothes, and Andrew is standing behind Jessica, and Andrew happily has his hands on Jessica’s chest, and Jessica happily has her hands on Andrew’s hands, and they are both smiling.

“GRRRRRRRR!!!!” Grock says, enraged.

Back in the present, Grock smashes his head through the front door of Andrew’s apartment. He then opens what remains of the front door and enters Andrew’s apartment. He then goes into Andrew’s bedroom, where he finds Andrew and Jessica, who both finished getting dressed a few seconds earlier.

Upon seeing Grock, Andrew gulps again.

Grock proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 86: UNTITLED UNFORTUNATE ANDREW STORY

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated by beautiful, rich, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Andrew hopes to meet such a woman here in the nightclub tonight.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

While in the nightclub, Andrew meets a beautiful, tall, single, rich, brunette woman named Jacqueline Debenedictus. He begins conversing with her, trying to charm and seduce her.

Jacqueline is quite taken with Andrew. Eventually, she leaves the nightclub with Andrew, and they go to her mansion. In her mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of her.

Jacqueline is so pleased with Andrew that she invites him to stay in her mansion for the whole night and have breakfast with her tomorrow. Andrew accepts her offer, thinking that their relationship is off to a great start.

Unfortunately for Andrew, later that night, Jacqueline wakes up in her bed and notices that Andrew is no longer next to her in the bed. She gets up and goes looking for him. Unfortunately for Andrew, Jacqueline finds him in the mansion’s parlor while he is cheating on her with her sexy female maid. Enraged, Jacqueline punches Andrew, causing him much pain. Jacqueline then banishes Andrew from her mansion and her life, dooming him to continue not being rich.

EPISODE 87: HOTTIE OVERLOAD 2

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil returns to his crummy apartment, having once again failed to con a rich woman into marriage to gain access to her wealth.

Much to Andrew’s relief, his disgusting, obese female landlord isn’t in his apartment. Often when he returns to his apartment, she is there on his bed, waiting for him to join her there. She has been letting Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the arrangement, but has been going along with it, due to his major money problems.

Andrew begins looking through his newly received mail, which he obtained from his mailbox on his way back to his apartment. He sees an envelope with the logo of the Dibizbee Foundation on it. Andrew is very confused to be receiving anything from the Dibizbee Foundation, given his history with them.

The Dibizbee Foundation is a charitable foundation that Andrew tried to defraud out of a very large amount of money. He was unsuccessful and ended up in jail instead.

Andrew opens the envelope and takes out the within letter.

The letter says:

“Dear Mister Squervil,

I am writing to introduce myself. My name is Ashley Dibizbee, and I am a new member of the board of directors of the Dibizbee Foundation. From reviewing our records, it has come to my attention that your charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization, was being considered for a financial donation from the Dibizbee Foundation. It appears that our foundation’s communications with you mysteriously came to a mysterious halt and no such donation was ever given. At this time, the Dibizbee Foundation would like to resume our communications with you about a possible donation. With that in mind, I would like to invite you to spend a week with us at our foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, so we can have an opportunity to learn more about you and your wonderful organization. Please contact me at the phone number below so we can make the arrangements for your visit. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

Ashley”

Andrew reads the letter again, confused.

Some time ago, Andrew began a quest to become rich. He planned to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, beautiful woman for her money. Initially, Andrew thought this would be easy. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. Which is ironic, as all of Andrew’s attempts to con a rich woman into marriage have ended in failure thus far.

As those failures began piling up, Andrew decided to utilize more than that one strategy to become rich. One other strategy he added to his repertoire was charity scams. He started attempting to become rich by defrauding a charitable foundation out of a very large amount of money, an amount so large that it would make Andrew rich. And that was why Andrew’s non-existent charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization, had come into pseudo-existence. Andrew submitted donation requests to many, many charitable foundations in the hope that maybe just one of those foundations might be foolish enough to fall for his scam. For a very long time, Andrew did not receive a single response from any of the foundations. But then, one day he received a letter from the Dibizbee Foundation, inviting him to spend a week with them at their foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, so they could have an opportunity to learn more about him and his ‘wonderful organization’.

Andrew decided that if he was going to have any chance of defrauding this foundation, he would have to gain a better understanding of who he would be dealing with. So he went on to his computer and accessed the Dibizbee Foundation’s website.

While browsing the website, he came across a page containing the history of the Dibizbee Foundation, along with biographies and photographs of the foundation’s board of directors. The Dibizbee Foundation was founded by a very wealthy man named Bartholomew Dibizbee. He created the foundation as a gift for his rich wife, a former model named Rena Dibizbee. Though Bartholomew created the foundation, he was not a member of its board of directors, which consisted of his sexy blond wife, along with three other attractive women: Elaine, Sharon, and Francine.

Andrew went to the mansion of the Dibizbee Foundation for the week-long visit. While there, he met Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine. While there, he learned that Elaine and Sharon and Francine were all Bartholomew Dibizbee’s mistresses. While there, Andrew had numerous intimate encounters with Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine. On his last day in the mansion, his fraud was exposed. Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine pummeled Andrew mercilessly and then had him arrested.

So now, Andrew is confused. Who is Ashley? And how come she doesn’t seem to know about his past visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion? Wouldn’t the other members of the board of directors have told Ashley all about it?

Andrew goes on to his computer and accesses the Dibizbee Foundation’s website. He goes to the page that has biographies and photographs of the foundation’s board of directors. Much to his surprise, the page no longer has biographies and photographs of Rena Dibizbee, Elaine, Sharon, or Francine. Instead, there are biographies and photographs of four other attractive women: Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy. What is going on?

After some internal debate about whether to respond to Ashley’s letter, Andrew picks up his phone and calls Ashley to schedule a visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion.

A few days later, Andrew arrives at the mansion. He knocks on the mansion’s front door.

A shapely maid named Molly answers the door. Molly was the maid in the mansion during Andrew’s previous visit there.

Molly smiles sinisterly.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” she says.

“Molly, what is going on?” Andrew says. “What happened to the Dibizbee Foundation? What happened to Rena and Elaine and Sharon and Francine?”

“The Dibizbee Foundation has undergone a massive restructuring,” Molly says. “Mister Dibizbee got divorced from Rena. It was for the best for both of them. Rena now lives on a stud farm. She’s very happy there. Rena resigned from the Dibizbee Foundation. Elaine and Sharon and Francine all quit as well for various reasons, and they are also no longer Mister Dibizbee’s mistresses. Mister Dibizbee has four new mistresses: Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy. Mister Dibizbee made Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy the new board of directors of the Dibizbee Foundation. The four mistresses all live in this mansion together. Mister Dibizbee visits them often, as you might imagine.”

“Is he here now?” Andrew says. He has never met the foundation’s founder, Bartholomew Dibizbee. He was not at the mansion during Andrew’s previous visit there. All Andrew really knows about the man is that he is very rich and shares Andrew’s preference for beautiful women.

“No, Mister Dibizbee won’t be around this week… fortunately for you, Andrew Squervil,” Molly says.

“Why is the foundation considering me for a donation again?” Andrew says. “Don’t they know the Andrew Squervil Organization isn’t a real charity? Don’t they know about my previous visit to this mansion?”

“No, they don’t know about any of that,” Molly says. “Before the four new board members joined the foundation, I removed all the information in the foundation’s files detailing your past encounter with the Dibizbee Foundation. The most recent information in our files was a note about how you called Rena to schedule a visit in response to her letter. As far as the new board members know, that visit was never scheduled and you’ve never been inside this mansion before.”

“You didn’t tell them?” Andrew says.

“Of course not,” Molly says. “This is a second chance for you to defraud the foundation out of a very large amount of money… and if you get that money, I expect you to give me half of it. If you don’t, I will expose you as the fraud that you are, and you’ll be arrested again.”

“Of course,” Andrew says bitterly, remembering his dislike of Molly, despite her hot body.

Molly lets Andrew into the mansion and escorts him to the mansion’s parlor. In the parlor are the four beautiful women that currently make up the Dibizbee Foundation’s board of directors: Ashley, Bonnie, Tia, and Stacy.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” they all say in unison.

Andrew’s week-long visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion plays out very similar to his previous week-long visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion: secret affairs with each woman to gain favor with her; an absurd amount of intimate encounters with each woman at different times, which is at first enjoyable for Andrew and then torturous and exhausting; lots of meaningless chatter; and bogus stories about the Andrew Squervil Organization meant to move the board members into feeling more compelled to donate as much money as possible to Andrew.

Now it is Andrew’s last day in the mansion, and it is almost time for him to leave. It is also almost time for him to be officially informed whether the Dibizbee Foundation has decided to give a donation to the Andrew Squervil Organization. He is standing in the mansion’s absurdly large vestibule. Ashley and Tia and Bonnie and Stacy are also in the vestibule, all apparently unaware that they have been sharing Andrew with each other all week. Molly is also in the vestibule, feather-dusting various pieces of furniture in the room.

Ashley is holding an expensive-looking envelope. She and the other three foundation board members are looking at Andrew as if they are each very pleased with him.

“Andrew Squervil, on behalf of the Dibizbee Foundation, I hereby award the Andrew Squervil Organization with this very generous financial donation,” Ashley says.

She hands the envelope to Andrew.

Andrew’s eyes are watering. He has suffered so much, but now it seems like it was all worth it. “Thank you, Ashley,” he says. “Thank you, all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this gift will help my charitable organization reach its goals.”

Andrew opens the envelope and takes out its content: a check from the Dibizbee Foundation, made out to the Andrew Squervil Organization. The check is co-signed by Ashley and Tia and Bonnie and Stacy, and also has their lipstick imprints on it. On the check, in the space for the financial amount, it says: “Zero”.

“‘Zero’?” Andrew says. “‘Zero’?!”

Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie and Molly all laugh cruelly at Andrew in unison.

“That’s right,” Ashley says. “Nothing for you, Andrew Squervil.”

“What is this?” Andrew says. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

“Yes,” Tia says. “We’ve known all along about your previous encounter with the Dibizbee Foundation, and your failed attempt to to defraud the foundation.”

“I didn’t remove anything from the foundation’s files, Andrew,” Molly says. “I lied to you about that.”

“Why?” Andrew says. “What was the point of inviting me here and deceiving me like this?”

“I can explain,” Bonnie says.

Bonnie opens a nearby closet. In the closet is a very large box. The box has a logo imprinted on it. The logo is that of a company that sells condoms. Underneath the logo, the words “EXTRA-SMALL CONDOMS” are imprinted on the box in very big letters. Imprinted on the box underneath those words is an anthropomorphic cartoon condom who is smiling and winking and saying via a word balloon: “It’ll be our ‘little’ secret!’”.

“I ordered a box of condoms in preparation for Mister Dibizbee’s next visit to the mansion,” Bonnie says. “Unfortunately, I accidentally ordered the wrong size. Mister Dibizbee uses extra-large condoms.”

“Yes,” Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Molly all say in unison, as if they each have intimate personal knowledge of this fact.

“And unfortunately, the extra-small condoms I erroneously purchased were non-refundable,” Bonnie says. “But then I remembered Rena’s detailed notes about her intimate encounters with you that are in the foundation’s files… and I realized that there was a way we could get some use out of these erroneously purchased extra-small condoms. So we invited you to the mansion.”

“That’s why you invited me here?!” Andrew says. “To get some use out of a box of condoms?!”

“Yes,” Stacy says. “It’s a policy of the foundation to make as much use as it can out of its available resources.”

“But now all of the extra-small condoms have been used up, so we no longer have any use for you, Andrew Squervil,” Tia says.

Andrew throws down the check and the envelope, enraged. “You bimbos have all cheated me!” he says.

Andrew walks over to the door to the outside, eager to get far, far away from the Dibizbee Foundation. He tries to open the door, but it’s locked. He attempts to unlock the door, but it requires a key.

“It requires a key, Andrew,” Molly says. “A key I have in my pocket.”

“Let me out of here!” Andrew says.

“Molly, please call the police and arrange for them to come here and arrest Andrew for trying to defraud the foundation again,” Ashley says.

“Of course, Ashley,” Molly says, sneering. “But you’ll have to forcefully keep him here until the police arrive.”

Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie all nod in agreement.

Molly takes a phone out of her pocket and begins to make a call with it.

Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie begin approaching Andrew. Before he can process what is about to happen, Bonnie kicks him in the groin with one of her sharp-stiletto-heeled feet, causing him to fall to the ground in agony. Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

EPISODE 88: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW MEETS A WOMEN’S PRECISION DANCE TROUPE

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated by beautiful, rich, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Andrew hopes to meet such a woman here in the nightclub tonight.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

While in the nightclub, Andrew meets a beautiful, single, rich, blond woman named Nolda. He begins conversing with Nolda, trying to charm and seduce her.

While conversing with Nolda, Andrew learns many things about her, including that she is the owner of a precision dance company; and that the company consists of a well-known women’s precision dance troupe. The troupe consists of twenty-five beautiful women who are all very tall and have very long legs. Their style of dance is a mixture of modern dance and classic ballet. Their best-known dance routine, which Andrew is familiar with, is an eye-high leg kick in perfect unison in a chorus line, which they include at the end of every performance.

Nolda is quite taken with Andrew. Eventually, she leaves the nightclub with Andrew, and they go to her mansion. In her mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of her. That night, Nolda, who is very fond of horseback riding, rides Andrew like a horse, first literally and then figuratively.

A month later, things are going well between Andrew and Nolda. Andrew has moved into Nolda’s mansion and is engaged to her. They are scheduled to get married in a few months. Andrew would like to have finished conning Nolda into marriage already, but she wanted several months to plan an elaborate, lavish wedding ceremony.

One day, Nolda learns from one of her maids that various parts of her mansion have become infested with mold. Nola hires a professional service to remove all the mold from the mansion. She learns that the mold removal process will take a month. Out of health concerns, Nolda tells Andrew that they’ll need to stay somewhere else while the mansion is being treated.

“I guess we’ll stay in a hotel?” Andrew says, thinking of a super-luxurious hotel he’d stayed in once before.

“No need,” Nolda says. “The mansion that my women’s precision dance troupe live in has a special guest bedroom. We’ll stay there for the month.”

Andrew gulps. He has been trying very hard to not cheat on Nolda. His tendency to engage in infidelity has ruined numerous previous opportunities he’s had to con a rich woman into marriage. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake again. The idea of spending a month in a mansion with twenty-five other beautiful women seems like a recipe for doom for Andrew.

And it is. Toward the end of Andrew and Nolda’s month in the women’s precision dance troupe’s mansion, Andrew has become involved in secret affairs with all twenty-five female dancers, each one unaware that Andrew is cheating on Nolda with anyone but her. Of course, eventually, one day in the mansion, Nolda and the twenty-five female dancers simultaneously discover all of Andrew’s infidelities. Enraged, Nolda breaks up with Andrew, dooming him to continue not being rich. Before Andrew can leave the women’s precision dance troupe’s mansion and return to the crummy apartment he lived in before meeting Nolda, the twenty-five female dancers pummel Andrew mercilessly for a very long time, taking turns kicking him with their long legs, in a very choreographed fashion that is visually stunning.

EPISODE 89: TWO ISLANDS

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is sleeping in his crummy apartment. Andrew is having a dream.

Andrew’s dreams usually are about a hideous woman named Pustilla. However, in Andrew’s current dream, Pustilla doesn’t seem to be around.

In the dream, Andrew is swimming in an ocean. His destination is a nearby island. On the island’s beach, there are many, many beautiful women. They are all scantily clad and beckoning Andrew to come to them. Andrew is swimming toward them as fast as he can.

All of the beautiful women are ex-lovers of Andrew: Koila; Velaina; Lililalaya; Miona; Nella; Tabeeza; Fawna; Breea; Sindra; Riora; Mia; Jessica; Nolda; Zotica; Ashley; Tia; Gloria; Rena; Tresella; Catalina; Olga; Inna; Bellina; Ivonka; Tatiana; and many, many more.

Andrew arrives on the island, stepping out of the ocean and onto the beach. The beautiful women all run up to Andrew to greet him.

“You’re all here,” Andrew says. “You’re all here on this island.”

“Yes,” Velaina says. “We’re all here for you, Andrew Squervil.”

“We desire you and only you,” Tresella says.

Andrew is confused. In real life, all of these women despise him and/or want nothing to do with him anymore.

“I’m confused,” Andrew says. “Don’t you all despise me and/or want nothing to do with me anymore?”

“Those negative feelings we had toward you have passed,” Breea says. “Those feelings were eradicated by our hot, burning, scorching desire for you.”

To Riora, Andrew says: “So… you’re no longer angry with me for stealing your jewelry and then selling it?”

Riora says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew.”

To Koila, Andrew says: “And you’re no longer angry with me for cheating on you with your maid?”

Koila says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew.”

To Rena, Andrew says: “And you’re no longer angry with me for trying to defraud you?”

Rena says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew. All of your past misdeeds have been forgiven. And not only that, but also, we all have adjusted our personalities to remove anything about us that you didn’t like. For example, I no longer feel compelled to compare you to other male lovers I’ve had, likening you to an extra-small carrot and likening them to extra-large zucchinis.”

“It always annoyed me when you did that,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer expect you to get a job to help pay for expenses,” Velaina says. “You can be unemployed as much as you like.”

“That’s great,” Andrew says. “The whole idea of me being employed has always repulsed and offended me.”

“And I no longer expect you to be faithful to me,” Koila says. “You can cheat on me as much as you want.”

“I’ve never liked monogamy,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer feel compelled to call you a loser,” Gloria says.

“That’s great,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer expect you to indulge me in my unusual preferences during our intimate encounters,” Nolda says. “Never again will I knee you in the groin, or whip you, or strap a harness to you and ride you like a horse.”

“I really didn’t like any of that,” Andrew says, remembering a time when Nolda leaned in to him as if she was going to kiss him, and then kneed him in the groin instead. “I only went along with it because I was trying to marry you to gain access to your wealth.”

“And I had my name legally changed so that I no longer have multiple surnames,” Tatiana says. “I am no longer ‘Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaysa Kruglyak Stefanescu’. Now, I am just ‘Tatiana’.”

“It really was a ridiculous amount of surnames,” Andrew says.

“And my teeth are no longer very sharp,” Sharon says.

“That’s great,” Andrew says.

“We’re all now exactly what you want us to be: interchangeable sources of pleasure who exist only to please you, Andrew Squervil,” Jessica says.

“This is all so wonderful,” Andrew says, tears welling up in his eyes.

“And we built a mansion for you to live in,” Bellina says.

“You did?” Andrew says.

“Yes, we did,” Ashley says. “And it contains a vault that is full of money, enough money to make you rich. That money is yours, Andrew.”

“So… I’m rich?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Tia says. “Unfortunately though, you’re not going to get to enjoy the money, or the mansion, or any of us.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “Why not?”

“Because it’s time for you to go back to where you came from; back to where you live: the other island,” Zotica says.

“What other island?” Andrew says.

“It’s a nearby island,” Ivonka says. “It’s very different from this island. On that island, there is no mansion for you to live in, nor is there any money for you, nor are there any beautiful women. Instead, there is a crummy apartment for you to live in, and you have major money problems, and you live in the apartment for free in exchange for being the plaything of your hideous, obese female landlord.”

“No!” Andrew says. “I don’t want any of that! I want to stay here with all of you!”

“Sorry, Andrew, but it’s out of our control,” Rena says, pointing to one of Andrew’s legs.

Andrew looks down and for the first time notices that one of his legs has a metal shackle locked on it, and that the shackle is attached to a long, metal chain. The chain extends off the island, into the ocean, the location of the chain’s other end unknown.

Suddenly, Andrew feels the chain being tugged, At first, the tugging of the chain is gentle, barely noticeable, but it is getting more powerful with each passing second.

“No!” Andrew says, trying to resist. “No, I want to stay here! I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!”

“You can’t,” Catalina says. “Every now and then, you might find your way back to us, but it will always be temporary. You’ll always end up back on that island.”

“Why?” Andrew says, being dragged away.

“Because you’re Andrew Squervil,” Sindra says.

As Andrew is pulled off the island and back into the ocean, the many, many beautiful, scantily clad women wave goodbye to him sadly.

Andrew continues to get pulled through the ocean, to his destination: the other island.

Now, with his head above water, still being pulled, Andrew sees this other island. On this island’s beach, there are multiple hideous women who Andrew has had intimate encounters with: Barbara; Andreea; Pustilla; Thona; Loika; Strinella; and many, many more. Thona is holding the other end of the chain, and is pulling Andrew closer and closer to the island via the chain. All of the hideous women are sneering cruelly at Andrew.

To the tune of a rock opera song, the hideous women all begin to sing lyrics that are a variation of lyrics that Andreea once sang to Andrew in real life:

“Andrew Squervil,

we want your body,

to satisfy our needs.

You will be,

inside of us,

forever doing carnal deeds.

You can’t escape,

from your fate,

and destiny’s decree.

You’re a loser,

and you’re trapped with us,

and you never will be free!”

Suddenly, Andrew wakes up. He is on his bed in his crummy apartment. Though he is awake, his nightmare is not over: sleeping next to him on the bed and snoring very loudly is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew hates his life just as much as he hates his dreams.

EPISODE 90: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW AND THE GUIDED WALKING TOUR OF DOOM

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that is located in a very upper-class neighborhood. Andrew knows that this nightclub is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women, which is why Andrew is here. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. He hopes to meet such a woman here in the nightclub tonight.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, thus far, for various reasons, all of his many attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

While in the nightclub, Andrew starts a conversation with a rich, beautiful, single woman named Ulsa. While talking with Ulsa, Andrew learns that she is not from around here; that she is from another country and is here on vacation.

Ulsa is quite taken with Andrew. She finds him handsome and charming.

Later, in the hotel suite that Ulsa is staying in, Andrew completes his seduction of Ulsa.

Afterwards, while they are laying on the hotel suite’s bed, Ulsa says: “I’m only here in this country for one more full day. Will you spend tomorrow with me, Andrew?”

“Of course,” Andrew says, certain that he will soon be married to Ulsa and have full access to her money.

The next day, Andrew and Ulsa are spending the day together, and Andrew is playing the part of the loving, attentive boyfriend, and he is bored out of his mind. Ulsa, who is really interested in doing all kinds of touristy nonsense, is having Andrew accompany her to all kinds of touristy nonsense, like visits to famous monuments and museums and other tourist attractions.

At the moment, they are on a guided walking tour of a very vast, very famous botanical garden. The group of people on this guided walking tour consists of Andrew and Ulsa and many, many other people.

The garden employee functioning as the tour guide is a skinny blond woman named Kiki. Andrew finds her plain and annoying and unattractive.

Upon seeing Andrew for the first time at the beginning of the tour, Kiki said to herself: “Ooh. Kiki like.”

Andrew is very bored right now, but Ulsa is having a great time. She finds the plants in this garden interesting, and she is very happy to be accompanied by a handsome male companion who seems to share her interests.

Andrew notices someone else on the guided walking tour: a tall, shapely, pretty brunette woman. She is wearing dark sunglasses that are as dark as Andrew’s soul. She is wearing a shirt that outlines her chest. She is wearing shorts that reveal much of her long legs.

“Wow, the stems on this one are so long!” Ulsa says, talking about a nearby plant.

“Yes,” Andrew says, sneaking a glance at the sexy brunette woman’s legs. “So very, very long.”

The brunette woman is with a man who appears to be her boyfriend or husband. He seems to be having a great time, but the brunette woman looks very, very bored. She yawns, barely making any attempt to conceal it. Her complete disinterest in the garden makes her even more attractive to Andrew.

The brunette woman turns her head slightly and looks back at Andrew and smiles at him discreetly. Andrew discreetly smiles back.

Though neither Ulsa nor the sexy brunette woman’s male companion noticed this interaction, the female tour guide Kiki did. Kiki is brimming with jealousy and frustration.

A few minutes later, the brunette woman and Andrew both manage to discreetly sneak away from their respective companions and the rest of the tour group. Andrew and the brunette woman are now in an isolated part of the garden, far away from all other people.

The brunette woman says: “I’m Claudia.”

“I’m Andrew,” Andrew says. “Andrew Squervil.”

“Boring garden, isn’t it?” Claudia says.

“Yes,” Andrew says. “So very, very boring. If I have to listen to that tour guide describe any more plants as ‘a rare, exquisite specimen’, I think I might be sick. The only rare, exquisite specimen in this garden is you.”

“We must be discreet,” Claudia says.

“I can be discreet,” Andrew says.

They begin kissing each other.

Later, after they have completed their intimate encounter and have gotten dressed, Claudia says: “What we did was a horrible mistake.”

“I enjoyed it,” Andrew says.

“I don’t know what compelled me to do that,” Claudia says. “I’d never cheated on my husband before. That’s not the type of person I am.”

“It is now,” Andrew says.

“I have to tell him what I did with you,” Claudia says. “I have to confess.”

“Why?” Andrew says.

“Because the feeling of guilt I’m having is overwhelming,” Claudia says. “I can’t spend the rest of my life keeping this secret. I’m going to tell him what we did.”

“When are you planning to tell him?” Andrew says, suddenly concerned.

“I’m going to tell him as soon as I get back to the tour group,” Claudia says.

“No!” Andrew says. “You mustn’t!”

“Why not?” Claudia says.

“Because my rich girlfriend Ulsa is here with me in the garden!” Andrew says. “If you tell your husband about us while she’s nearby, there’s a chance she might find out about it.”

“So?” Claudia says. “What do I care if she finds out? That’s your problem, not mine.”

Andrew gets down on his knees before Claudia, in a begging position. “Please don’t do this,” he says.

For a moment, Claudia stares at Andrew, looking like she might actually take pity on him. Then, she kicks Andrew in the groin, then presses her foot against his face, pushing him into a nearby puddle of mud.

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Claudia says. “I’ll always remember our time together… as a horrible mistake that I’ll never forgive you for.”

Claudia runs away, in search of the guided tour group.

A few seconds later, Andrew gets up, still very much in pain. He begins running through the garden, trying to find his way back to the guided tour group.

Eventually, he finds the group. He sees Kiki the tour guide telling people all about a boring plant she is standing next to. He sees Ulsa listening to Kiki, very interested. He sees Claudia and her husband off to the side, having a private conversation. Claudia’s husband is looking increasingly enraged.

Andrew approaches Ulsa, intending to get her far, far away from Claudia and her husband before it’s too late.

Ulsa sees Andrew and says: “Oh, there you are, Andrew. Where have you been? Did you get lost?”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “Listen, Ulsa, I’m kind of hungry. Let’s leave this garden and go to a restaurant, okay?”

“But the tour is still in progress,” Ulsa says. “Why are you all muddy?”

“Because I fell in mud,” Andrew says. “I really would like it if we left this garden now, Ulsa. I’m really hungry. Can we please-”

Suddenly, Claudia’s husband runs up to Andrew and punches him in the face, causing him to fall to the ground.

“You follinucked my wife!” Claudia’s husband says.

He begins kicking Andrew in the face repeatedly.

“Is this true, Andrew?” Ulsa says, outraged.

“Yes, it’s true,” Claudia says, bored, looking at her nails, waiting for her husband to finish hurting Andrew.

Andrew becomes unconscious.

Later, he regains consciousness. Kiki is kneeling beside him, smiling cheerfully.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” Kiki says.

“Is he gone?” Andrew says.

“That man who was beating you mercilessly?” Kiki says. “Oh yes, he and his wife left a long time ago.”

“Where’s Ulsa?” Andrew says.

“The woman you came here with?” Kiki says. “She left a long time ago as well. All of the other people on the tour left. It’s just you and me here in this garden now. Oh, but before Ulsa left, she asked me to tell you that she hates you and does not want to ever see you again.”

Andrew has a terrible headache and feels very defeated.

“You’re not rich, are you?” Andrew says.

“No, not at all,” Kiki says.

“Oh,” Andrew says, feeling increasingly hopeless.

Kiki holds up a few banknotes, dangling them over Andrew’s head. It is a very small amount of money.

“Want this money?” Kiki says. “It can be all yours if you give me what I want, and I’ll pay you the same amount afterwards.”

Andrew gulps. He really needs that money, as he has major money problems. “What do I have to do for it?” he says.

“Whatever Kiki wants tonight!” Kiki says cheerfully.

Andrew gulps again. “Are you Kiki?” he says.

“Yes I am!” Kiki says cheerfully.

“Okay,” Andrew says, feeling even more defeated. “You win.”

“Whatever Kiki wants, Kiki gets!” Kiki says.

She begins kissing Andrew, much to his dismay. He misses Ulsa and Claudia already.

EPISODE 91: PLAYTHING

Several years ago, in a very upper-class neighborhood, a sleazy, handsome, rich man named Andrew Squervil exits his mansion and walks over to another mansion nearby. He knocks on the mansion’s front door.

A very beautiful brunette woman answers the door. Andrew can tell she is surprised and pleased by his handsomeness.

“Hello,” the woman says.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “My name is Andrew. Andrew Squervil. I’m one of your neighbors. I saw you and your husband moving into the mansion yesterday, so I thought I’d stop by to introduce myself and welcome you both to the neighborhood.”

“Oh, that’s so nice of you,” the brunette woman says. “My name is Tiffani. Tiffani Desmondeen. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is most definitely all mine,” Andrew says. “Most definitely indeed.”

“I would introduce you to my husband, but he’s not here right now,” Tiffani says.

“Oh, too bad,” Andrew says, acting disappointed, even though he was already very aware that Tiffani’s husband is not here. Andrew saw Tiffani’s husband leaving the mansion this morning with some luggage, apparently going on a trip somewhere without his wife. “Will he be around later today?” Andrew says. “I’d love to meet him.”

“No, unfortunately, he left this morning for an overnight trip with some of his friends,” Tiffani says. “He won’t be back until tomorrow.”

“Oh, too bad,” Andrew says, secretly pleased. “Well anyway, welcome to the neighborhood. It was nice meeting you.” He turns to leave.

“Would you like to come in and have some tea with me?” Tiffani says.

“Sure, I’d love to,” Andrew says.

He enters the mansion.

About an hour later, Tiffani’s husband enters the mansion. He goes upstairs and begins walking down a hallway.

As he is passing by the mansion’s bathtub room, he hears Tiffani say from the bathtub room: “Is someone there?”

Tiffani’s husband says: “It’s just me, Tiffani.”

“What are you doing back here?” Tiffani says.

Tiffani’s husband enters the bathtub room. In the bathtub room is an absurdly large, absurdly wide, porcelain bathtub. The bathtub is filled with soapy water. Tiffani is in the bathtub, having a bubble bath. Only her head is visible. The soapy bubbles are covering the entire surface of the water, obscuring Tiffani’s body from the neck down, as well as anything else that might be underwater.

“After I left, I realized I that I forgot to pack my ski goggles,” Tiffani’s husband says. “So I came back here to get them. Though seeing you here in the bathtub makes me very tempted to cancel my trip and join you in the bathtub instead.”

“You’re always such a charmer,” Tiffani says. “But I want you to go on this trip with your friends and enjoy yourself. I’ll be here for you when you get back tomorrow.”

“Looking forward to it,” Tiffani’s husband says. “Okay, see you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” Tiffani says. “Have a fun time.”

Tiffani’s husband exits the bathtub room, then retrieves his ski goggles, then exits the mansion.

As soon as Tiffani hears her husband exit the mansion, she says: “Okay, he’s gone. You can come out now.”

Andrew, who is also in the bathtub, sticks his head out of a small mountain of tiny bubbles that had kept him hidden from Tiffani’s husband. He wipes soapy bubbles off of his face.

Tiffani giggles mischievously.

“That was a close call,” she says. “Now we can finish what we started.”

As Andrew is leaning in to kiss her, Tiffani says: “You’ll visit me again after today, won’t you?”

“Absolutely,” Andrew says, lying.

Several years later, during a morning, Tiffani is walking up to the mansion that Andrew was living in at the time of their intimate encounter. She is wearing a gray dress that outlines her shapely body. As she is walking up to the mansion, several nearby men stare at her backside.

Now at the mansion’s front door, Tiffani knocks on it.

A beautiful woman named Koila answers the door.

Tiffani is confused. She expected Andrew to answer the door.

“Hello,” Koila says. “Can I help you?”

“Hello,” Tiffani says. “My name is Tiffani. I came here to visit Andrew.”

“Andrew?” Koila says. “Andrew Squervil?”

“Yes,” Tiffani says.

“Andrew doesn’t live here anymore,” Koila says. “He moved out of this mansion a while ago.”

“Oh,” Tiffani says, disappointed. “Oh, okay. Well, thank you for letting me know.”

Tiffani turns to leave.

“Wait,” Koila says. “I’m just curious… how is it that you know Andrew?”

Tiffani turns back to Koila.

“My husband and I used to live in this neighborhood,” Tiffani says. “Andrew was our neighbor. How do you know Andrew?”

“Andrew seduced me,” Koila says. “He tricked me into falling in love with him to get what he wanted from me. After our intimate encounter, he revealed that he had tricked me and that he now wanted nothing more to do with me. I was furious at Andrew for deceiving me. So I filed a lawsuit against him. I won the lawsuit. The judge made Andrew pay me a huge amount of money, making me rich. Andrew had to sell his assets, including this mansion, to have enough money to pay the full amount owed to me. My lawsuit financially ruined Andrew. Some time after Andrew sold this mansion and moved out of it, I purchased it. I live here now. Let me guess: Andrew seduced you too.”

“Yes,” Tiffani says. “When Andrew and I were both still living in this neighborhood, he stopped by my mansion one day while my husband was away. Andrew completed his seduction of me in my bathtub while we were having a bubble bath together. It was a unique, wonderful experience for me. Andrew was so attentive… so very, very generous. He even shampooed my hair.”

“Oh yes, I know all about Andrew’s ‘shampoo’ routine,” Koila says. “He shampooed me too.”

“No man had ever washed my hair for me before,” Tiffani says. “He seemed so wonderful for so many different reasons. But after it was over, he said that he did not want to see me again; that he had gotten what he’d wanted from me; and that he would never visit me again.”

“You must have been very angry with him,” Koila says.

“I was,” Tiffani says. “For the longest time, I wanted to somehow get revenge on him. But I never did.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I financially ruined Andrew, and I can confirm that he is currently very, very miserable,” Koila says. “Currently, he lives in a crummy apartment and has major money problems. He lives in the apartment for free in exchange for being his hideous, obese female landlord’s plaything.”

“That’s terrible!” Tiffani says. “My poor, precious, unfortunate Andrew. I feel so bad for him.”

“What?!” Koila says. “How can you say that? He treated the both of us like dirt! How can you feel bad for him at all? Just a moment ago, you were saying that you wanted to get revenge on him!”

“Yes, I did want to get revenge on him,” Tiffani says. “But my anger toward Andrew faded away a long time ago. And now, my only feeling toward him is burning hot desire. That’s why I came here. That’s why I’m trying to locate him. I’ve decided that I’m going to divorce my husband. He and I have a prenuptial agreement. After we get divorced, our money and assets will be divided between us as per the agreement, and I will still be very, very rich. I want to have Andrew back in my life after my divorce… as my plaything. I’ll let him live in my mansion and give him a daily allowance and let him enjoy many, many luxuries.”

“Are you crazy?” Koila says. “He’ll cheat on you with other women!”

“I’ll let him be promiscuous,” Tiffani says. “I’d rather share him with other women than have no access to him whatsoever.”

“I don’t understand,” Koila says. “Why would you want to reward Andrew with all this happiness after how he treated you? He’s a sleazy creep who deserves nothing but unhappiness!”

“Andrew Squervil satisfied me better than any lover I’ve had before or since,” Tiffani says. “I know he’s a sleazy creep, but I desire him nonetheless. I must have him. He will be mine. Do you know the address of the apartment he now lives in?”

“Yes,” Koila says. “I know all kinds of current information about Andrew. But I can’t in good conscience help you reunite with Andrew Squervil! I invested so much into ruining his life! His life needs to stay ruined! He doesn’t deserve to live happily ever after as your pet!”

“Please help me locate Andrew,” Tiffani says. “It would mean so much to me.”

After a few seconds, Koila says: “I’ll help you… on one condition: I want you to spend the day with me.”

“Why?” Tiffani says.

“Because I’m hoping that, with enough time, I can convince you to not take Andrew back,” Koila says.

“Okay… I guess,” Tiffani says. “But my mind is already made up.”

“We’ll see,” Koila says.

Later, in the early afternoon, Koila and Tiffani are at a beach. They are laying on beach towels, wearing very revealing bathing suits, sunning themselves.

“Why are you looking for Andrew now anyway?” Koila says. “Shouldn’t you wait until after you get divorced?”

“It is risky,” Tiffani says. “If my husband can prove that I was unfaithful to him during our marriage, he will get all of our money and assets, as per the prenuptial agreement. Right now, my husband thinks I’m visiting some friends of mine in another country. I need to find Andrew and make sure he is ready, willing, and able to be my plaything. If he’s not available, I won’t have any reason to get divorced. It’s all about Andrew.”

“I’m so baffled by your desire for Andrew,” Koila says. “He’s a manipulative creep. Don’t take him back. Don’t make the same mistake I did.”

“What do you mean?” Tiffani says.

“I didn’t mention this before… but… some time after my lawsuit against Andrew, I got back together with him,” Koila says.

“You did?” Tiffani says.

“Yes,” Koila says. “He convinced me that he was a changed man and no longer a sleazy womanizer. He tricked me into falling in love with him again. I let him back into my life. I let him into my mansion, into my bedroom. And then one day, I found out that he was cheating on me with my maid. So I dumped him and evicted him from my mansion.”

“I’m sorry that Andrew deceived you again,” Tiffani says. “But my expectations of Andrew are different from what yours were. I know he’s a sleazy womanizer. I know he’ll never change. I have no intention of trying to change him. I don’t expect love or monogamy from him. All I want from him are the carnal delights he can provide me with, nothing more.”

“If you go through with this, you’ll be making the worst mistake of your life,” Koila says. “You think you won’t regret it, but you will.”

Tiffani turns onto her stomach and says: “Can you apply sun cream to my backside?”

“Sure,” Koila says, still hopeful that she can convince Tiffani.

Koila picks up her bottle of sun cream and squirts some sun cream into her hand. She begins applying the sun cream to Tiffani’s backside.

“Oh…” Tiffani says, as if she suddenly, unexpectedly received a vast amount of carnal pleasure. “Oh my…”

“Are you okay?” Koila says.

“Oh… yes,” Tiffani says. “I’m… good.”

Koila continues applying the sun cream to Tiffani’s backside.

Later, in the late afternoon, Koila is driving her car towards the hotel that Tiffani is staying in. Tiffani is sitting in the car’s front passenger seat.

Koila stops the car in front of the hotel.

“Well here we are,” Koila says.

“Thanks for driving me back to my hotel, Koila,” Tiffani says. “It was fun getting to know you today.”

“I enjoyed getting to know you too, Tiffani,” Koila says. “So did I change your mind about Andrew?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but you didn’t,” Tiffani says. “That reminds me: can I have his contact information now?”

Feeling defeated, Koila writes down Andrew’s current address and phone number on a piece of paper and gives it to Tiffani.

“Thank you so much!” Tiffani says, delighted. “I’m going to invite him over to my hotel suite tonight. The suite has a bathtub… and lots and lots of shampoo. Goodbye, Koila.”

“Goodbye, Tiffani,” Koila says.

Later, in Tiffani’s hotel suite, while laying on her bed and wearing only a very revealing black robe, Tiffani picks up her phone and places a call to Andrew.

In Andrew Squervil’s crummy apartment, Andrew hears his phone ringing. He picks it up and answers it. “Hello?” he says.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” Tiffani says, trying to sound as sexy as possible. “It’s Tiffani. Tiffani Desmondeen. Do you remember me?”

“No,” Andrew says. “But you sound like a total hottie.”

“I am,” Tiffani says. “And I’m rich.”

“You are?” Andrew says, increasingly interested in this woman.

“Yes,” Tiffani says. “We used to be neighbors, before you were stripped of your wealth and had to move out of your mansion. You seduced me. I never stopped thinking about you. I want you back in my life… as my plaything. I’m planning to divorce my husband. If all goes as planned, I’ll still be very rich after the divorce. After the divorce, you can live with me in my mansion, satisfying my many carnal desires and indulging in all the luxuries that my wealth can provide you with. Will you be my plaything, Andrew Squervil?”

“Absolutely,” Andrew says. “When can I start?”

“I still need to initiate the divorce proceedings… but I suppose that’s no reason for me to delay indulging in you,” Tiffani says. “Can you come to my hotel suite tonight?”

“Yes, definitely,” Andrew says.

Tiffani tells Andrew the address and suite number of the hotel suite she is staying in. Andrew writes down the information on a piece of paper.

“My hot body is waiting for you, Andrew Squervil,” Tiffani says.

She ends the phone call.

Andrew thinks: I’m finally going to get the happy ending I deserve.

In the hotel that Tiffani is staying in, Tiffani comes out of her suite and walks up to a vending machine in the hallway. In the vending machine are various items available for purchase, including condoms. The condoms are several different sizes. Tiffani, who intends to buy some condoms for her meeting with Andrew tonight, looks over all the condoms in the vending machine. Remembering her previous intimate encounter with Andrew, she says cheerfully: “Hmmm… Better go with extra-small.”

Later, Andrew arrives at Tiffani’s hotel suite. He knocks on the suite’s front door.

Tiffani answers the door, wearing only revealing black lingerie.

“Andrew Squervil,” Tiffani says. “What a delicious sight.”

“I feel the same way about you,” Andrew says.

“Come in,” Tiffani says. “I prepared a bubble bath for us. We can pick up right where we left off.”

Andrew enters the suite. Tiffani closes the front door. They begin kissing each other.

Suddenly, they hear someone knocking on the front door.

Tiffani pulls away from Andrew and says: “Who is it?”

“Tiffani, it’s me, Koila,” Koila says.

“Koila?!” Andrew says.

“Koila, please leave,” Tiffani says. “Andrew is here with me now. I told you already, I’m not going to change my mind about this.”

“What’s going on?” Andrew says. “Why is Koila here? How do you two even know each other?”

“Tiffani, let me in right now or I’ll tell your husband about your affair with Andrew,” Koila says.

Tiffani opens the door. Koila enters the suite. Tiffani closes the door.

“What are you doing here, Koila?” Andrew says.

Koila walks over to a nearby closet. She opens the closet’s door and says to Tiffani: “Make him wait in here.”

“Why?” Tiffani says.

“Make him wait in here or I’ll tell your husband about your affair,” Koila says.

“Andrew, go wait in the closet,” Tiffani says.

“What?!” Andrew says. “Why?”

“Just do as I say or I won’t let you live in my mansion and have access to my wealth,” Tiffani says.

Andrew goes into the closet. He says to Koila: “I don’t know what you’re doing here, Koila, but I’m not going to let you ruin this for me.”

Koila closes the closet’s door, then locks it. Andrew is now trapped in the closet.

“What is this all about, Koila?” Tiffani says. “Why are you here?”

“After I dropped you off at the apartment earlier today, I gave the whole situation more thought,” Koila says. “And I came to realize that there is a way I could convince you to not take Andrew back.”

“How?” Tiffani says.

“By offering you something better: me,” Koila says.

“What?!” Tiffani says. “I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“When we were on the beach together and I was applying sun cream to your backside, you received pleasure, correct?” Koila says.

“Yes…” Tiffani says. “A great amount of pleasure.”

“And that pleasure that I gave you was unintended,” Koila says. “A by-product. Imagine how much pleasure I could give you if I was actually trying to do so.”

“That… would be a lot of pleasure…” Tiffani says.

“So much pleasure,” Koila says.

“Pleasure…” Tiffani says.

Koila and Tiffani begin kissing each other.

“Oh no…” Andrew says, overhearing Tiffani and Koila’s intimate encounter.

Much, much later, Tiffani says: “Can we do that again?”

“We can do that as many times as you like,” Koila says. “As long as you agree to never take Andrew back.”

“I most definitely agree,” Tiffani says. “I don’t need Andrew anymore, now that I have you.”

“Let’s leave this suite and go to my mansion,” Koila says.

Tiffani and Koila both get dressed. Tiffani packs her belongings into her suitcase.

Tiffani says to Koila: “What about Andrew? Should we let him out?”

Koila sneers cruelly. “Let’s leave him where he is,” she says. “One of the hotel’s cleaning people will find him when they come in here to clean tomorrow. They’ll let him out.”

Tiffani giggles mischievously. She picks up her suitcase, then walks over to the closet, which Andrew is still trapped in.

“Andrew, as I’m sure you’ve overheard, I’m with Koila now,” Tiffani says. “I won’t be needing your services. Our plaything arrangement is off.”

“No, don’t do this, Tiffani!” Andrew says, desperate to gain access to Tiffani’s wealth. “It’s me you belong with. Not her! Me! Me! Me!”

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Tiffani says.

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Koila says.

Koila and Tiffani giggle mischievously, then exit the hotel suite.

The next day, in the evening, after Andrew is released from the closet by one of the hotel’s cleaning people, Andrew returns to his crummy apartment. He enters the apartment’s bedroom.

Laying on Andrew’s bed is Andrew’s hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the arrangement, but he has been going along with it, as he has major money problems.

The landlord is wearing a very revealing black lingerie. As always, Andrew finds her repulsive.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Andrew Squervil,” she says.

“I know,” Andrew says, feeling very defeated.

He begins walking toward her.

EPISODE 92: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW ON A GAME SHOW

In a television studio, an episode of a game show is being filmed in front of a studio audience. The game show is called Heiress Quest. On each episode of the show, three male contestants compete for the love of a beautiful heiress.

One of the contestants is a sleazy, handsome man named Andrew Squervil. Andrew, who has major money problems, wants to marry a rich woman so he can gain access to her wealth, thereby becoming rich.

The other two contestants are both very handsome, very muscular men. The beautiful heiress that the three contestants are competing for is a very wealthy woman named Elizaveta. At the moment, the episode is at the part of the game where the heiress will make her decision as to which contestant she wants to have a long-term relationship with.

The show’s smarmy-looking male host says: “Okay, Elizaveta, over the past week, you went on dates with these three contestants: Biff, a handsome, financially successful underwear model; Chip, another handsome, financially successful underwear model; and Andrew, a sleazy, unemployed loser with major money problems who only managed to get on this show by having an intimate encounter with the disgustingly fat woman who screens candidates for the show. Now that you’ve had a chance to get to know all three contestants, which of the three do you want to be in a long-term relationship with and potentially share your wealth with?”

After an absurdly long pause, Elizaveta says: “Biff, the date I had with you was amazing. I will never forget that magical experience I had with you in the hot tub. Chip, the date I had with you was amazing too. The pleasure that you were able to give me with just olive oil and your tongue was extraordinary. Andrew, you gave me immense pleasure as well on our date… but some rich ex-girlfriend of yours who hates you paid me an absurdly large amount of money to not choose you. So my choice is both Biff and Chip.”

Biff and Chip slap hands triumphantly while the game show’s ending music begins to play. They go over to Elizaveta and embrace her. Andrew is forcibly removed from the building.

EPISODE 93: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW AND THE DATING ADVICE COLUMN OF DOOM

During an evening, in a nightclub, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil meets a woman named Anna and subsequently cons her into falling in love with him.

A few days after completing his seduction of Anna, Andrew moves out of his crummy apartment and into Anna’s apartment.

Although Andrew finds both Anna’s apartment and Anna’s body pleasing, he does not intend for their relationship to be very long-term. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Although Anna has a healthy savings account, she is not rich. So Andrew is only being Anna’s boyfriend for the time being so he can live in her apartment for free.

Anna is oblivious to Andrew’s sleazy nature. She thinks Andrew genuinely cares about her and that they will be married someday.

Unlike Andrew, Anna is employed. She is a professional advice columnist for a local newspaper. Her column is a dating advice column. In the column, she often discusses her own dating life. Since beginning her relationship with Andrew, she discusses him in her column often, depicting him as a handsome, generous lover who brings her to a state of absolute carnal ecstasy on a nightly basis.

One frequent reader of Anna’s dating advice column is a very beautiful, rich, single, blond woman named Zuzana. Zuzana greatly values Anna’s insight and opinions. Zuzana once broke up with a boyfriend because of something she read in Anna’s column.

Having learned about Andrew Squervil through reading Anna’s column, Zuzana has become deeply intrigued with Andrew. Based on Anna’s descriptions of Andrew, Zuzana believes that Andrew is the perfect man and would be her ideal mate.

One day, while reading about Andrew in Anna’s column, Zuzana decides that she will make Andrew her mate.

“You’re mine, Andrew Squervil,” Zuzana says.

Later, after being contacted by Zuzana by phone, Andrew enters Zuzana’s mansion. In Zuzana’s mansion, Andrew sees Zuzana for the first time. He likes what he sees.

Zuzana tells Andrew that she wants to make him hers; that she wants him to become her boyfriend and live in this mansion with her.

Without any hesitation, Andrew says: “Zuzana, you mega-hottie, I would be delighted to leave Anna for you.”

They kiss each other, then have their first intimate encounter in Zuzana’s bedroom.

Later that day, Andrew cruelly dumps Anna, explaining to her that he was just using her and that he is now leaving her for the sexy, rich Zuzana. He moves out of Anna’s apartment and into Zuzana’s mansion.

Anna is furious and vengeful. She intends to make Andrew miserable.

A few days later, in Zuzana’s mansion, Andrew and Zuzana are laying on Zuzana’s bed in Zuzana’s bedroom. Zuzana is sleeping with Andrew’s arms wrapped around her. Andrew now spends the vast majority of his days being in Zuzana’s mansion and in Zuzana.

They are scheduled to get married in a few weeks. I’m finally getting the happy ending I deserve, Andrew thinks.

One of Zuzana’s sexy female maids enters the bedroom, causing Zuzana to awaken. The maid, who Andrew has been secretly cheating on Zuzana with, gives Zuzana a copy of today’s newspaper, then discreetly winks at Andrew, then exits the bedroom.

Zuzana opens the newspaper to the section containing Anna’s dating advice column. Zuzana reads the column, becoming outraged in the process.

“What’s wrong?” Andrew says.

“Get out,” Zuzana says. “I’m breaking up with you and canceling our wedding.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “I don’t understand.”

“Understand this, you loser,” Zuzana says, forcefully handing Andrew the newspaper.

Andrew reads Anna’s column. In the column, Anna issues a retraction statement, retracting all of the positive things she previously wrote about Andrew, and declaring that Andrew Squervil is, in actuality, a sleazy loser who could never satisfy her carnally.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship with a loser,” Zuzana says. “Especially not a loser who can’t satisfy me carnally.”

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says. “Just yesterday, you told me I was the greatest lover you’ve ever had!”

“Yes, but that was before I read Anna’s retraction statement,” Zuzana says. “Now, I want nothing more to do with you. Get out of my mansion, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew begs Zuzana to not end their relationship, but she does not change her mind. She has her four sexy female maids forcibly remove him from her mansion.

Andrew moves back into the crummy apartment that he was living in before he’d moved into Anna’s apartment. His hideous, obese female landlord lets him live in the crummy apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the living arrangement, but he is going along with it, as he has major money problems. Andrew hates his life and misses Zuzana’s body and Zuzana’s mansion.

EPISODE 94: UNFORTUNATE ANDREW AND THE APE COSTUME

During an evening, a handsome, sleazy man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go to an upscale nightclub to try to meet a rich woman who he could potentially seduce and con into marriage to gain access to her wealth.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. With a sense of dread, Andrew goes to the door, assuming that the person at the front door is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the living arrangement, but he has been going along with it, as he has major money problems.

Andrew opens the front door. Much to his surprise, instead of the disgustingly fat female landlord being there, standing before him is a short, petite, attractive blond woman.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “What a lovely surprise. Who are you?”

“My name is Marissa,” the blond woman says.

“Hello Marissa,” Andrew says. “My name is Andrew. Andrew Squervil.”

“I know who you are, Andrew,” Marissa says. “We have a mutual acquaintance: an ex-lover of yours: Clora.”

“How do you know Clora?” Andrew says.

“She’s a friend of mine,” Marissa says. “We’re neighbors. I live in the mansion next to her mansion.”

“Does she still despise me?” Andrew says.

“Of course,” Marissa says. “She will hate you forever.”

“So why are you here?” Andrew says.

“Because I want you,” Marissa says. “Clora told me all about you. She told me that you were one of the greatest lovers she ever had. I’ve decided that I want to cheat on my husband with another man… and I want that man to be you, Andrew Squervil. Will you satisfy my carnal desire for you?”

“That is a request that I will happily accommodate,” Andrew says, gazing over Marissa’s shapely body.

They begin kissing each other.

Later, Andrew and Marissa are laying on the bed in the bedroom of Andrew’s crummy apartment, having recently completed their intimate encounter.

“That was phenomenal…” Marissa says, catching her breath.

“Thanks,” Andrew says.

“It’s amazing how you can accomplish so much… with so little…” Marissa says. “So very, very little…”

Andrew is annoyed by that comment.

“So you live in a mansion?” he says, trying to change the subject.

“Yes,” Marissa says. “My husband and I live there.”

“So you’re rich?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Marissa says. “Very, very rich.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, getting ideas. “So… Clora told you all about me?”

“Yes, she did,” Marissa says. “I know you’re a sleazy loser who would like to marry a rich woman for her money.”

“So I guess there’s no point in trying to con you into falling in love with me,” Andrew says.

“No, there’s no point,” Marissa says. “But all hope is not lost, Andrew Squervil: I have a proposal for you. One that will give you access to the many, many luxuries that my wealth can provide.”

“What is your proposal?” Andrew says, intrigued.

“That you live with me and my husband in our mansion as my secret plaything,” Marissa says. “My husband won’t know you’re living there. When he’s in the mansion, you’ll remain hidden from him in our mansion’s basement. But when he’s not around, which is fairly often, you can roam around the mansion freely and enjoy its many luxuries, including me.”

“What if your husband finds me in the basement?” Andrew says.

“He won’t find you,” Marissa says. “Even if he goes into the basement, he won’t see you. You’ll be wearing a very elaborate disguise: an ape costume.”

“What?!” Andrew says.

“I got the idea from Clora,” Marissa says. “I’m going to tell me husband that I bought myself an ape to keep as a pet. And I’ll tell him that I’m keeping the pet ape in a cage in the basement. In actuality, you’ll be wearing an ape costume, pretending to be my pet ape.”

“And I’ll be confined to a cage?!” Andrew says.

“Only when my husband is around,” Marissa says. “But when he’s away from the mansion, I’ll let you out of the cage and we can be together and you can enjoy the whole mansion as if it were your own. It’ll almost be like the mansion is yours, like you’re rich.”

“I don’t know about this idea of yours,” Andrew says.

“It’s not like you have better options, Andrew,” Marissa says. “It’ll certainly be better than continuing to live in this horrible apartment.”

Andrew looks at a very large framed photograph that is hanging on one of the walls in his bedroom. The hideous, obese female landlord makes Andrew keep the photograph there to torment him. In the photograph, the hideous, obese female landlord is featured prominently, wearing a very revealing black negligee, posing provocatively. Andrew looks back and forth between the disgusting photograph and the attractive woman laying next to him on his bed.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” he says. “For a little while anyway. Until I find something better.”

“Wonderful!” Marissa says. “Let’s celebrate.”

They begin kissing each other.

A few days later, Andrew’s new living arrangement is in place. He is living in the mansion of Marissa and her husband. When her husband is in the mansion, Andrew wears a very realistic-looking ape costume and remains inside a cage in the mansion’s basement. Thanks to various lies that Marissa told her husband, her husband is under the false impression that Andrew is a female ape named Fida, and that Marissa is keeping Fida as a pet. While Marissa’s husband is away from the mansion, which is fairly often, Andrew removes the ape costume and is let out of the cage by Marissa. Though Andrew would like to indulge in the mansion’s many luxuries, Marissa’s insatiable appetite for carnal satisfaction has been preventing Andrew from having any time to indulge in anything other than Marissa.

A few weeks later, Marissa’s husband reveals to Marissa that he has bought her a present: a shock collar for Fida to wear. The shock collar is wirelessly connected to an activation control that Marissa can use whenever she wants to punish Fida for bad behavior.

A few minutes later, in the mansion’s basement, Marissa’s husband goes into the cage and locks the shock collar around Andrew’s neck and then uses the activation control to give Fida a shock, as a demonstration to Marissa, who is nearby. The shock that Andrew receives is very, very painful.

Though Andrew is annoyed that he has to wear this shock collar now, he takes some consolation in the idea that Marissa won’t actually give him shocks when her husband isn’t around.

The next day, while Marissa’s husband is away from the mansion, Marissa gives Andrew a shock in response to him not eating a meal she had prepared for him. The shock that Andrew receives is very, very painful.

A few weeks later, Marissa’s husband reveals to Marissa that he has bought her another present: a mate for Fida; specifically, a gigantic male ape. Marissa tries to act pleased by this news.

“And just in time for the apes’ mating season!” Marissa’s husband says cheerfully.

A few minutes later, in the mansion’s basement, the gigantic male ape and Andrew are in the cage, while Marissa and her husband are standing outside the cage.

The gigantic male ape is staring intently at Andrew, who is wearing the female ape costume.

“From what I’ve read, these apes have insatiable appetites for carnal satisfaction,” Marissa’s husband says cheerfully. “I bet these two are going to get along very, very well, if you know what I mean.”

The gigantic male ape begins walking toward Andrew. Andrew gulps.

Marisa’s husband is smiling cheerfully while Marissa has a look of barely concealed horror on her face.

“Let’s leave these two alone while they get to know each other better,” Marissa’s husband says.

Marissa and her husband exit the basement.

Several weeks pass. Andrew is miserable. Marissa won’t get rid of the gigantic male ape or get the ape a separate cage to be confined in, as she thinks either action would make her husband suspicious. So Andrew has been sharing the cage with the gigantic male ape, much to Andrew’s dismay.

One day, several more weeks later, while Marissa and her husband are visiting Fida and the gigantic male ape in the mansion’s basement, the gigantic male ape suddenly smacks Andrew across the head, as it the ape is wont to do, causing the head part of the ape costume to fall off.

Upon seeing Andrew’s face, Marissa’s husband is surprised and confused.

“Who are you?” Marissa says, pretending to be surprised and confused as well.

Andrew doesn’t know what to say.

“He must be some intruder who’s planning to rob our mansion!” Marissa’s husband says. “He must have killed the real Fida and taken her place at some point, as a way to get into our mansion!”

“Yes…” Marissa says. “Yes, that’s what happened! That’s exactly what happened!”

Marissa’s husband grabs a nearby baseball bat. He goes into the cage and begins hitting Andrew repeatedly with the bat.

Seeing that Fida is under attack and wanting to protect her, the gigantic male ape grabs Marissa’s husband and begins pummeling him mercilessly.

The blows from the ape’s gigantic, meaty fists are so strong that they cause Marissa’s husband to become unconscious.

An hour later, Marissa’s husband is in a nearby hospital, now in a coma.

To prevent her husband from ever finding out the truth should he ever wake up, Marissa has Andrew arrested for the murder of Fida and for an attempted robbery of the mansion, as that’s what her husband would presume she would do if any of that was the truth.

Eventually, Andrew’s trial begins. Unfortunately for Andrew, the judge assigned to the case is a woman named Sindra. Sindra is one of Andrew’s ex-lovers and, like most of Andrew’s ex-lovers, now despises Andrew.

Andrew is found guilty. Sindra, who has a reputation for giving ironic and cruel punishments,  sentences Andrew to a home arrest in the crummy apartment of the hideous, obese female landlord, where he now lives again. Sindra also declares that he must wear the ape costume at all times during the sentence. Sindra, who is fully aware of Andrew’s horrible living arrangement with the landlord and that Andrew finds the landlord repulsive, also declares that if the landlord reports any problematic behavior from Andrew during the sentence, his sentence will be converted to a much, much worse sentence. Finally, Sindra declares that Andrew’s sentence will not conclude until Marissa’s husband wakes up from his coma, which might be never.

Andrew is returned to his crummy apartment to begin his sentence. His hideous, obese female landlord wastes no time taking advantage of Andrew’s current circumstances. Unfortunately for Andrew, she has an insatiable appetite for carnal satisfaction.

A few weeks later, in the living room of his crummy apartment, Andrew calls Marissa.

In her mansion, Marissa answers the phone.

“Hello?” Marissa says.

“It’s Andrew,” Andrew says.

“Andrew, you know you’re never supposed to call here,” Marissa says.

“I just wanted to see if there have been any new developments with your husband,” Andrew says. “Does it seem like he might be waking up soon?”

“No,” Marissa says. “From what his doctors have told me, it doesn’t seem like he’ll be waking up anytime in the near future.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, disappointed.

“I have to go now, Andrew” Marissa says. “I’m meeting my new boyfriend for lunch. Don’t ever call here again. I do not want to ever see you again.”

She ends the phone call.

In Andrew’s apartment, Andrew puts down the phone and says, whispering: “Please wake up. Please wake up soon. Please…”

“Andrew, come back to bed!” the hideous, obese female landlord says, speaking from Andrew’s bedroom.

Andrew gulps. He returns to his bedroom.

EPISODE 95: PUNCHING BAG

During an afternoon, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil enters a gym that he knows is frequently populated with rich, single, beautiful women. Andrew, who recently concluded his most recent home arrest sentence, has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. He hopes to meet such a woman in this gym today.

Today is Thursday. Andrew has come to the gym specifically on this day because it is his understanding that one of the gym’s employees, a large, mean, muscular woman named Johaxtra, does not work here on Thursdays. He got the information from Johaxtra’s hideous female roommate in exchange for an intimate encounter with him.

Andrew is trying to avoid Johaxtra at the gym because of what happened to him the last time he was here, trying to seduce beautiful, rich, single women. Johaxtra, who was here on duty at the time, pummeled Andrew mercilessly. Immediately afterwards, she grabbed him by a very delicate part of his body, and, while squeezing tightly, told him that she would pummel him mercilessly again if she ever catches him in this gym again.

Knowing he was defeated, and wanting to escape from Johaxtra’s cruel clutch, Andrew agreed that he would never return to this gym.

Now, in the gym, Andrew is chatting with a sexy single woman on a treadmill, charming her. Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. He hopes this woman is rich. If not, he intends to seduce her and then never contact her again, as he is wont to do.

While they are talking, Andrew notices a large punching bag in the distance. He gulps, suddenly reminded of an unpleasant incident involving a punching bag. The incident took place during a previous misadventure of his that he remembers as the “Hottie Overload 2” misadventure.

During this misadventure, Andrew was visiting a mansion that four very beautiful women resided in. The women’s names were Ashley, Tia, Bonnie and Stacy. Andrew was trying to con these women into giving him a very large amount of money.

During his time in the mansion, Andrew was having what he believed to be super-secret affairs with each woman.

One day during Andrew’s visit, he and one of the hotties, Tia, were in the mansion’s gym, having an apparently super-secret intimate encounter. Andrew was enjoying Tia, though his backside was still hurting from the whip lashes he received from Ashley, a truly twisted woman, during an earlier, apparently super-secret intimate encounter he had had with her.

Suddenly, Tia stopped, as if she had just realized something.

“What’s wrong?” Andrew said.

“I just realized something,” Tia said.

“What?” Andrew said.

“Ashley and Stacy and Bonnie will be coming into the gym very soon,” Tia said. “It’s almost time for our weekly kickboxing class that Stacy conducts for the rest of us. I forgot all about it. They all think you’re out on a jog. If they catch us together in here, they’ll know about our super-secret affair! I can’t have that! You have to hide!”

“It’s no problem,” Andrew said. “I’ll just leave before they arrive.”

“No!” Tia said. “There’s no time. You have to hide!”

“Where can I hide?” Andrew said.

“In the punching bag!” Tia said.

She grabbed the one punching bag in the gym and unzipped it.

“Get inside!” Tia said. “There’s just enough space for you to fit in here! Thank goodness! If any part of you were even slightly bigger, you wouldn’t be able to fit. We’re very lucky that you have an extra-small- Oh no, I hear them coming! Quick, get inside!”

Andrew went into the punching bag. Tia zipped the bag closed, sealing Andrew inside it.

The other three hotties, Ashley, Stacy and Bonnie, entered the gym, dressed appropriately for a kickboxing class, as was Tia.

“Ready to start our kickboxing class, Tia?” Stacy said.

“Absolutely,” Tia said.

While the other three hotties were apparently distracted, Tia, whispering into the punching bag, said: “I’m so sorry for what’s about to happen to you, Andrew.”

For the next several hours, the kickboxing class took place. During this time, the four hotties took turns brutally punching and kicking the punching bag containing Andrew. From inside the bag, he felt every single vicious blow. Each woman periodically took a break from assaulting the punching bag, but for Andrew, there was no break; never a moment when he wasn’t being brutally beaten by one or more of the hotties.

The “Hottie Overload 2” misadventure did not end well for Andrew: he failed to con the women out of any money; it turned out that they had been conning him the whole time; and he ended up in jail, a common end result to an Andrew Squervil misadventure.

But now, he is free, in this other gym, talking with the possibly rich, sexy single woman, and staring at a different punching bag.

“Are you alright?” the sexy single woman says. “You seem distracted.”

“I’m fine,” Andrew says, returning his attention to her. “And I’m not distracted. Nothing could distract me from the attractive attraction that is your attractive body, you mega-hottie.”

The sexy single woman blushes in response to Andrew’s bizarre, inane come-on line.

“So what’s your name?” she says flirtatiously.

Feeling very confident and no longer thinking about the incident with the punching bag, Andrew says: “My name is-”

“Andrew Squervil,” Johaxtra says, standing behind Andrew.

Andrew gulps in response to the sound of Johaxtra’s sinister voice. He slowly turns around to face her.

Johaxtra immediately grabs him by a very delicate part of his body and begins squeezing tightly.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says, in agony, feeling the squeeze.

“My roommate lied to you,” Johaxtra says. “I do work here on Thursdays. And I’ve been waiting for you. Waiting for you to fall into my trap. And now I’ve got you… in the palm of my hand. Welcome to hell, Andrew Squervil. Your latest form of hell, that is.”

Johaxtra begins laughing cruelly. The sexy single woman who Andrew was trying to seduce also begins laughing cruelly, even though she doesn’t quite know what is going on. Andrew feels defeated.

Later, in the gym, a women’s kickboxing class is going on. The two dozen women in the class are taking turns kicking and punching the punching bag that Andrew was looking at earlier. Johaxtra, the teacher of the class, is smiling cruelly, knowing that she has Andrew trapped inside the punching bag, and knowing that this is only the first of many, many women’s kickboxing classes she will be conducting in the gym today.

EPISODE 96: PLUS ONE

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil sneaks into a crowded mansion in which a huge party is occurring. The mansion belongs to a rich, beautiful, single woman named Konya Kang. Andrew has never met Konya, but he has read about her in local newspaper articles. He hopes to introduce himself to her tonight, pretending to be a “plus one” of one of the many, many invited guests of this party. He hopes to seduce her and then con her into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth and becoming rich.

Andrew has a goal to become rich. He has tried to become rich many, many times, and failed every, every time.

As Andrew is walking around the crowded mansion, looking for Konya Kang, he hears a woman, speaking in a grating voice, say: “Andrew! Andrew Squervil!”

Andrew stops, feeling a sense of dread. “Oh no…” he says.

He slowly turns around toward the direction of where the woman’s voice was coming from. In the room he is in, Andrew sees a woman from his past standing on the other side of the room.

The woman’s name is Tracey Blerp. Tracey is a rich, short, slightly overweight, dark-haired woman who lives in a castle. Andrew once had an intimate encounter with Tracey as part of a failed attempt to marry her for her money. As she is wont to do, Tracey is wearing a form-fitting, zebra-colored dress that outlines her plump body, and glittery, silver, high-heeled shoes, which always make a lot of noise when she walks. Andrew would find her attractive if only she wasn’t overweight. Because of her weight, however, Andrew instead finds her hideous, and her zebra-colored dress and glittery shoes only magnify the disgust he feels when looking at her.

Tracey is waving at Andrew. “It’s me, Andrew: Tracey Blerp!” Tracey says, speaking in an absurdly cheerful tone.

She walks toward him, her shoes making lots of noise as she does.

“Hello, Andrew!” Tracey says.

“Tracey?” Andrew says. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you that question!” Tracey says teasingly, poking Andrew in the chest repeatedly. “You don’t belong here! You snuck into the mansion, didn’t you? And I know why: you’re here to try to seduce Konya Kang! You want to con her into marriage, to gain access to her wealth, don’t you? Like you once tried to do with me! You naughty, naughty man!”

“Don’t talk so loud!” Andrew says, hoping Konya isn’t nearby and overhearing this conversation. “Seriously, what are you doing here?”

“I’m an invited guest!” Tracey says. “Konya is a dear friend of mine.”

“She is?” Andrew says, feeling a sense of defeat.

“That’s correct, Andrew Squervil!” Tracey says. “And I told her all about you already: what a sleazy loser you are; how you tried to con me into marriage unsuccessfully; how you’re definitely not someone to get involved with; and so on. You’ll never get into Konya Kang’s bedroom, Andrew. Never.”

“I hate you,” Andrew says. “I hate you so much.”

“Oh Andrew, you’re so adorable when you’re angry,” Tracey says. “It’s times like this that I want to imprison you in my castle’s dungeon so I can watch you like this all the time! That reminds me: you’ll never guess who I brought to this party as my ‘plus one’! Oh look, there she is now, behind you!”

Andrew slowly turns around, feeling an even greater sense of dread than before. Standing before him is another woman from her past.

“Oh no…” Andrew says.

The woman’s name is Ilgana Timov. Ilgana is a cruel, rich woman who used to own the castle that Tracey now lives in. Andrew finds Ilgana hideous and despises her as much as he despises Tracey.

“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” Ilgana says, speaking in her cruel, arrogant tone.

Tracey stands next to Ilgana and puts an arm around her. “Ilgana and I stayed in touch after I bought the castle from her,” Tracey says. “We’re such good friends now! Isn’t that great?”

“It’s a nightmare,” Andrew says, feeling a headache coming on. “A nightmare times two. I need a drink.”

Andrew walks over to the open bar, hearing Tracey and Ilgana’s cruel laughter behind him. Although he doesn’t normally drink heavily, he thinks he’ll make an exception tonight.

The next day, Andrew wakes up in a bedroom that he is not familiar with. He has a massive headache and can’t remember anything that happened after he walked over to the open bar to have some alcoholic beverages. He is laying on a gigantic pink bed and covered by a gigantic pink bed sheet up to his neck. He feels someone laying next to him on the bed. This other person is completely covered by the bed sheet.

Suddenly, Andrew thinks that he may be in the master bedroom of Konya Kang’s bedroom and that the person he feels laying next to him might be Konya Kang; that somehow, some way, in his drunken stupor, he managed to overcome the odds and seduce Konya despite the menace of Tracey and Ilgana.

The more Andrew lays there, the more he becomes convinced that that is what must what have happened. He thinks: “I did it! I’m in Konya Kang’s bedroom! I seduced Konya Kang! I won!”

Suddenly, the person that Andrew feels laying next to him sticks their head out from under the bed sheet, revealing their identity. It’s Tracey. She is grinning at Andrew.

“Oh no…” Andrew says.

“Oh yes,” Tracey says.

“What happened?” Andrew says. “I don’t remember anything.”

“I’m not surprised,” Tracey says. “You drank a lot of alcoholic beverages last night. You were so drunk that you kept calling me ‘Konya’! And I kept saying to you: ‘Andrew, my name isn’t Konya! It’s Tracey! Tracey Blerp!’”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Andrew says. “Where are we?”

“Wow, you really don’t remember anything, do you?” Tracey says mischievously. “We’re in the mansion of the other person who was a part of our intimate encounter. It was a threesome.”

“Who was the third person?” Andrew says hopefully. “Was it Konya?”

“No, Andrew,” Tracey says. “It wasn’t Konya.”

“Oh no…” Andrew says.

Suddenly, Andrew realizes that there is another person underneath the bed sheet, completely covered by it. The third person sticks their head out from under the bed sheet, revealing their identity. It is Ilgana.

“Hello, Andrew,” Ilgana says.

“This can’t be real,” Andrew says.

“Oh but it is,” Ilgana says. “So very, very real. You didn’t seduce Konya Kang and you spent the night with us instead. And both Tracey and I know what a sleazy loser you are, and neither one of us will ever, ever let you marry us for our money. You will never gain access to either of our fortunes. You’ve lost again, Andrew Squervil. You are a loser, and you will always be a loser. ALWAYS AND FOREVER!”

Tracey and Ilgana begin laughing cruelly at Andrew. He gets out of the bed and hurriedly exits Ilgana’s bedroom and Ilgana’s mansion, wanting to get far away from Ilgana and Tracey as quickly as possible.

After Andrew returns to his crummy apartment in defeat, he gradually, unwillingly begins to remember many, many horrible moments from last night, much to his dismay.

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