EPISODE 1: RIDICULOUS COUCH: A SITCOM
During an afternoon, a man named Dexter and a man named Ted are helping a woman named Felina move into Ted and Dexter’s crummy three-bedroom apartment.
As Ted and Dexter are carrying Felina’s couch into the apartment, Felina looks at the finger on her hand where her wedding ring used to be. She got rid of the ring after her divorce was finalized a week ago. Somehow, despite the fact that Felina had caught her then-husband violating their prenuptial agreement by having an affair with her shapely female yoga instructor, the incompetent attorney that represented Felina in her divorce proceedings failed to get Felina ownership of the house that she and her husband had lived in over the past five years. Felina’s attorney also failed to get Felina any of the money that was in her and her now-ex-husband’s joint savings account. Somehow, the divorce proceedings ended with Felina getting nothing but the ridiculous-looking red couch that her husband and the yoga instructor were on together when Felina caught them having their affair.
In need of a place to stay, Felina turned to two of her platonic male friends, Dexter and Ted, for help, hence her moving into their apartment today. She has always found Dexter and Ted to be annoying goofballs, but this living situation is preferable to the other option that was presented to her: living in the apartment of her platonic female friend, a beautiful, struggling professional model named Eloisa. Felina likes Eloisa, but they lived together once before, years ago, and Felina found Eloisa to be an insufferable roommate. After that living situation, Felina better understood why so many of Eloisa’s boyfriends quickly become ex-boyfriends after moving in with Eloisa. Additionally, Felina finds Eloisa’s tendency to make unbelievably bad decisions on a regular basis to be profoundly depressing, and doesn’t want to have to witness that on a daily basis.
After Dexter and Ted have set the couch down in the apartment’s living room, Ted says to Felina: “So how’s your friend Eloisa doing?”
“She’s fine,” Felina says.
“Is she still having an affair with that married man?” Ted says.
“No, that’s over now,” Felina says.
“Don’t be so judgmental,” Dexter says. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with having an affair with a married person. I know your ex-husband was a jerk for cheating on you, Felina, and you were right to divorce him for that, but you have to look at these situations on a case-by-case basis. In some cases, the affair might be for the best for everyone.”
“What are you babbling about?” Felina says.
“So Eloisa is not involved with any men right now?” Ted says.
“Eloisa’s always involved with some men,” Felina says. “Married or otherwise.”
“Look, Felina, I know you’re upset about your marriage ending and the circumstances that led to your marriage ending, but you can’t use that to justify harshly judging all people who have affairs,” Dexter says. “They’re not all bad people.”
“I seriously don’t know what you’re babbling about,” Felina says.
“Are any of Eloisa’s current relationships with men serious ones?” Ted says. “I mean, would she be open to adding any additional men to her… ‘roster’?”
“Forget it, Ted,” Felina says. “It’ll never happen between you and Eloisa.”
“Why not?” Ted says.
“She finds you repulsive,” Felina says.
“You’re just joking… right?” Ted says.
“No,” Felina says. “In fact, the last time your name came up in a discussion between me and Eloisa, Eloisa specifically said: ‘Your friend Ted is gross. I find him repulsive.’”
“She really said that?” Ted says, deflated.
“Yes,” Felina says.
“OKAY FINE, I ADMIT IT: I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED WOMAN AND THAT THEREFORE MAKES ME A HORRIBLE PERSON!” Dexter says. “There, are you happy now, Felina?”
Dexter storms out of the apartment’s living room and goes into his bedroom and slams the door shut.
Ted and Felina stare at each other, confused by what just occurred.
A few seconds later, Dexter comes back out to the living room, now fully composed again.
“I’m sorry I lost my temper, Felina,” Dexter says. “I just hate it when you judge me so harshly like that.”
“How could I have been judging you?” Felina says. “I only found out about your affair when you announced it a few seconds ago.”
“So you’re not judging me harshly about it?” Dexter says.
“Of course I am, now that I know about it,” Felina says. “That’s horrible that you’re having an affair, Dexter! Who is it with?”
“It’s this sexy, sexy married blond woman named Oxana,” Dexter says. “Her husband is some rich jerk who’s always away on trips. She invites me over to their mansion when he’s not around.”
“I’m in love with a woman who finds me repulsive…” Ted says, speaking to no one in particular.
“Dexter, you have to end this affair immediately,” Felina says. “It’s wrong and you know it. Your feelings of guilt are clearly getting to you.”
“I know,” Dexter says. “I’ll end it today.”
“Felina, now that we’re letting you live in this apartment with us, your friendship loyalty obligations have shifted,” Ted says. “You need to be more invested in my and Dexter’s hopes and dreams than that of your other friends… even if it’s detrimental to the best interests of your other friends.”
“What are you babbling about?” Felina says.
“You need to help me trick your friend Eloisa into falling in love with me,” Ted says. “What can I do to win her love?”
“Ted, it’s a lost cause,” Felina says. “Even if Eloisa didn’t find you completely, utterly disgusting, she still wouldn’t want anything to do with you.”
“Why not?” Ted says.
“Because you don’t have a lot of money,” Felina says. “Eloisa likes to get involved with men who have a lot of money. In fact, she even gets involved with men she finds repulsive if they have a lot of money. But you don’t have a lot of money, so your situation is hopeless.”
“So you’re saying… if I had a lot more money, I could get to be with Eloisa?” Ted says.
“Yes, I guess that’s one way of interpreting what I just said,” Felina says. “But you seem to have missed the part where I emphasized how hopeless your situation is.”
“So I just need to figure out a way to have a lot more money, and then I can use that money to buy Eloisa’s love!” Ted says enthusiastically.
“Right now, I’m here, while my ex-husband is in the house, probably having a ‘yoga session’ with Mariella the yoga instructor, ” Felina says, speaking to no one in particular. “He’s got the house, and I’m here.”
“How are you going to get more money, Ted?” Dexter says.
“I don’t know yet,” Ted says. “But there’s got to be some way.”
“I’m not so sure there is,” Dexter says. “Right now, nearly all of the money you get in your bi-monthly payments from work goes towards paying your share of the rent. As long as you have these monthly rent payments to make, you’re always going to be nearly broke. Unless… No, forget it.”
“Unless what?” Ted says.
“No, just forget it,” Dexter says. “It’s a stupid idea. I shouldn’t even be thinking it.”
“No, tell me!” Ted says. “I’ll do whatever I need to do to be able to purchase Eloisa’s love.”
“Well, a while back, I got into a conversation with a woman named Sheila who also lives in this apartment building,” Dexter says. “And she mentioned something interesting about Barbara.”
“Who’s Barbara?” Felina says.
“Barbara is the landlord of this apartment building,” Ted says. “She’s repulsive… even more repulsive than Eloisa finds me.”
“Sheila told me that Barbara is letting a man live in this apartment building for free,” Dexter says. “His name is Andrew Squervil. According to Sheila, he’s a sleazy loser with major money problems. And according to Sheila, Barbara lets him live in his apartment for free… in exchange for being her plaything.”
“Ew, gross!” Ted says. “How could anyone bring themselves to do that with Barbara?”
“I know, just thinking about it makes me nauseous,” Dexter says. “I told you it was a stupid idea. I should have never brought it up.”
“Wait…” Ted says. “Your idea is that… I… do that… with Barbara?! You’re suggesting that I become one of Barbara’s playthings so that I can live here rent-free and thus increase my savings dramatically… thereby increasing my chances of being able to buy Eloisa’s love?”
“Like I said, it’s a stupid idea,” Dexter says. “Of course you would never even consider doing that with Barbara… not even for Eloisa. No hot woman is worth subjecting yourself to that kind of torture.”
“Right…” Ted says, uncertain.
“You’re actually considering it, aren’t you, Ted?” Felina says.
“Of course not!” Ted says, uncertain. “At least… I don’t think I am. I need to think it over. I’m going to visit Eloisa’s website and review each and every one of the sexy photographs of herself she has posted on there, so I can make the most well-informed decision possible. If either of you need me, I’ll be in my room, on my computer.”
Ted goes into his bedroom, then closes its door behind him.
“He looks at those pictures on her website every single day, doesn’t he?” Felina says.
“Multiple times a day,” Dexter says. “As do I. Incidentally, I noticed it’s been a while since she posted any new photographs of herself. Is she taking a break from modeling?”
“No,” Felina says. “In fact, she’s on a modeling job today. Some up-and-coming photographer is taking pictures of her for a magazine cover she’ll be appearing on in the near future. It’s for the first issue of some new big magazine called Collage. Supposedly, it’s a big break for her.”
Elsewhere, in a swanky building in a very upper-class neighborhood, Eloisa is on a round bed in a fancy hotel suite. She is wearing very revealing lingerie, her sexy body on display. She is posing provocatively for a handsome male photographer named Gaz, who is standing near the bed and aiming a camera at her, taking pictures of her.
“Beautiful,” Gaz says. “You’re really good at this.”
“Thank you,” Eloisa says flirtatiously. “You’re not bad yourself.”
She then notices the wedding ring that Gaz is wearing.
“Are you married?” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Gaz says. “To an actress. She’s done a lot of supporting roles. Perhaps you’ve heard of her: her name is Naomi.”
“From the movie The Space Tart?” Eloisa says.
“Yes, that’s her,” Gaz says.
“Oh, I thought her performance was great in that movie,” Eloisa says. “She’s very beautiful. How long have the two of you been married?”
“Just a few weeks,” Gaz says. “She’s the reason I got this photography job for this new Collage magazine. She used some connections she has in the industry to get me this job. It’s a big break for me.”
“This is a big break for me too,” Eloisa says. “It’s amazing that I was selected to be on the cover of the first issue. Why is the magazine called Collage?”
Gaz grins mischievously. “That’s a secret for now,” he says. “I’m not at liberty to tell you. You’ll have to wait until the first issue comes out to find out.”
Eloisa grins flirtatiously.
“After we’re done here, perhaps we can celebrate our big breaks together… with a bottle of wine,” Gaz says.
“Sounds good to me,” Eloisa says. “I love wine.”
Later, Dexter and Oxana are in the mansion that Oxana and her husband live in. Oxana’s husband is away on an out-of-country trip.
At the moment, Dexter and Oxana are laying on the bed in the mansion’s master bedroom, having recently completed an intimate encounter. Dexter knows that Felina would disapprove of him engaging in one final intimate encounter with Oxana before ending the affair, so he makes a mental note to never mention that part of today to Felina.
“Oxana,” Dexter says, getting ready to end the affair.
“Yes, Dexter?” Oxana says, speaking in her sexy foreign accent.
“Oxana, I…” Dexter says, finding it very hard to bring himself to end the affair while being only inches away from Oxana’s hot body.
“What is it?” Oxana says.
“Never mind,” Dexter says. “Forget it.”
“Is everything okay?” Oxana says.
“Better than okay,” Dexter says.
“Good,” Oxana says. “Dexter?”
“Yes, Oxana?” Dexter says.
“I have something I need to tell you,” Oxana says.
“What is it?” Dexter says, fearful that Oxana might end their affair.
“Our affair is about to get more complicated,” Oxana says.
“Why is that?” Dexter says.
“My husband wants to go on a year-long boat voyage all around the world,” Oxana says.
“That’s great!” Dexter says. “With him gone all year, I’ll be able to visit you a lot more often.”
“No, you misunderstand,” Oxana says. “He wants me to go on the voyage with him.”
“Really?” Dexter says, deflated.
“Yes,” Oxana says. “And I’ve decided to go with him. If I decline, he’ll start to suspect that I’m cheating on him. He and I will be leaving on this voyage in a few weeks.”
“So we’re going to be separated from each other for a whole year?” Dexter says.
“Not necessarily,” Oxana says. “There might be a way that you can come on this voyage with us. My husband’s boat is very big. It has more than enough room for several people to live on it together for a whole year. And he’s open to the idea of bringing friends and acquaintances with us on this voyage.”
“But your husband and I barely know each other,” Dexter says. “And at the moment, he perceives that you and I barely know each other as well. What would be your bogus explanation to him for wanting to bring me along on this trip?”
“Do you remember my best friend Zolana?” Oxana says.
“Yes, I remember meeting her a few weeks ago at that party,” Dexter says. “She’s a professional bodybuilder, correct?”
“Yes, that’s her,” Oxana says. “As you may recall, she was quite taken with you.”
“Yes, I remember,” Dexter says. “She gave me her phone number and suggested I call her sometime.”
“Yes, she doesn’t know about our affair,” Oxana says. “She’s very upset that you haven’t called her.”
“What does Zolana have to do with our situation?” Dexter says.
Oxana picks up a nearby folded-up piece of paper and hands it to Dexter.
“What’s this?” Dexter says, unfolding the piece of paper.
“It’s a letter from you to Zolana,” Oxana says. “I wrote it.”
Dexter reads the forged letter to Zolana. In the letter, ‘he’ claims to be madly in love with Zolana and would do anything to be with her.
“What is this?” Dexter says. “Why would you write this?”
“It’s all part of my plan,” Oxana says. “You’re going to become Zolana’s boyfriend. Then I’m going to invite Zolana to come with me and my husband on the year-long boat voyage. If she has any doubts about going on the voyage, you’ll convince her otherwise. And of course, she’ll bring you along on the voyage with her. My husband won’t suspect anything because he’ll think you’re just there because you’re Zolana’s boyfriend. It’s the perfect plan.”
“It’s not the perfect plan!” Dexter says. “You’re overlooking one crucial problem.”
“What problem is that?” Oxana says.
“That your friend Zolana is utterly repulsive,” Dexter says. “Even if you and I weren’t in our secret relationship, I still would never have called her. She’s gross! That overly muscular bodybuilder body of hers makes me want to vomit. How could I possibly bring myself to do what you want me to do with her?”
“I know it’ll be a sacrifice,” Oxana says. “But don’t you think I’m worth it?”
Dexter is silent, unsure how to answer.
“Well you have the letter,” Oxana says. “Zolana’s address is written on there. Think it over. If you think I’m worth it, send the letter to her. I hope you do, Dexter. I sincerely hope you do.”
Oxana kisses him.
Later, in Dexter and Ted and Felina’s apartment, Felina comes out of her new bedroom, having finished setting it up to her liking.
“Okay, I’m all moved in now,” she says, speaking to no one in particular.
In the living room, she sits on the ridiculous-looking red couch and turns on the television.
Dexter enters the apartment.
“You’re back,” Felina says. “How did it go? Did you end the affair?”
“Not quite,” Dexter says guiltily. “I mailed a letter instead.”
“What are babbling about?” Felina says.
Suddenly, Ted comes out of his bedroom, having been in there visiting Eloisa’s website for the past several hours.
“Everyone, I have an announcement to make,” Ted says.
“‘Everyone’?” Dexter says.
“I’ve made my decision: I’m going to do it,” Ted says. “For Eloisa, I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it. I’m going to become Barbara’s plaything! I’m going to follinuck Barbara! That is something that is actually going to happen!”
“Are you crying?” Felina says.
Ted wipes away tears. “No,” he says, lying.
The next day, Ted knocks on the front door of the apartment that his hideous, obese female landlord Barbara lives in.
Barbara opens the door.
“Hello, Ted,” Barbara says.
“Hello, Barbara,” Ted says. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” Barbara says.
Ted enters Barbara’s apartment.
“So what do I owe this surprise visit to?” Barbara says.
Ted gulps, bracing himself for what he is about to propose.
“Barbara… I was wondering if…” Ted says.
“Yes?” Barbara says, confused.
“Barbara, I came to here to propose… something,” Ted says.
“Propose what?” Barbara says.
“I would like… to be… with you,” Ted says. “Carnally.”
“Are you crying?” Barbara says.
Ted wipes away tears. “No,” he says, lying.
A few weeks later, Ted and Dexter and Felina are sitting at a table in a coffee shop, having coffee and waiting for Eloisa to arrive. The four of them are going to see a movie together this afternoon.
“So the first issue of Collage comes out today, with Eloisa on the cover?” Dexter says.
“Yes,” Felina says. “Eloisa is really excited about it. This is a really big break for her.”
“I haven’t been able to get a copy of the issue,” Ted says, frustrated. “It was already sold out at every newsstand I went to. And the magazine’s website hasn’t posted the cover online yet either.”
“I haven’t been able to find a copy yet either,” Dexter says. “I read online that the magazine has been selling out in record time all over the country. This is going to do wonders for Eloisa’s career. She might end up rich.”
“I hope not,” Ted says. “If she becomes rich, it’ll thwart my goal to buy her love.”
“That reminds me, how is that going for you?” Felina says.
“Not as good as I’d hoped,” Ted says. “Living in the apartment for free in exchange for being Barbara’s plaything has definitely lead to a noticeable increase in my savings account…. but I was crunching the numbers this morning, and it looks like it’ll take several more years before I will have enough money to be able to successfully purchase Eloisa’s love.”
“So you’re going to end the arrangement with Barbara?” Felina says.
“Of course not!” Ted says. “If it’ll take several years, it’ll take several years. True love has no time restrictions.”
“Pathetic,” Dexter says.
“Oh, as if you’re one to judge,” Ted says. “You’re the one who’s follinucking a hideous female bodybuilder.”
“That’s a completely different situation,” Dexter says. “I’m in a serious, committed relationship with a married woman, and such commitment requires sacrifices… and suffering… sometimes lots and lots of suffering. One day, when you’re a more mature individual, if that day ever comes, you’ll understand what it means to be in a sophisticated, committed affair.”
“When do you and Zolana and Oxana and her husband leave together on your year-long boat voyage?” Felina says.
“One week from today,” Dexter says.
“So you’re really going?” Ted says.
“Yes,” Dexter says. “I’ve made up my mind. One moment with Oxana is worth enduring a thousand horrible, sweaty nights with Zolana. Zolana sweats a lot. So much sweat…”
“You’re an idiot,” Felina says.
Eloisa enters the coffee shop, looking beautiful and furious. She is holding a rolled-up magazine.
“Hi, Eloisa,” Ted says.
“Shut up, loser,” Eloisa says.
“What’s wrong?” Felina says.
“This,” Eloisa says, unrolling the magazine and slamming it onto the table that Dexter and Ted and Felina are sitting at.
They all look at the magazine. It is the first issue of Collage. On the cover of the magazine, are many, many tiny, nearly microscopic photographs of various attractive, scantily clad women. Collectively, the photographs form a single image of the face of a very beautiful, very famous, very rich female celebrity named Lililalaya.
“You got bumped from the cover in favor of Lililalaya?” Dexter says.
“No, I am on the cover!” Eloisa says.
She points to a particular, barely visible, tiny photograph in the bottom left-hand corner of the magazine. In the photograph, she is scantily clad and posing provocatively, but the photograph is so small that it is not at all apparent that the woman in the photograph is specifically her.
“So you are on the cover after all!” Ted says. “Congratulations!”
“Ted, if you say another word, I’m going to kick you in the head,” Eloisa says.
“He would welcome any physical contact from you,” Dexter says.
“Look, it’s not all bad, Eloisa,” Felina says. “Ted’s right: you are on the cover, even if your picture is too tiny for anyone to ever know it’s you.”
“That sleazy photographer tricked me,” Eloisa says. “He knew I thought I was going to be featured on the cover, and he didn’t tell me the truth. He completely deceived me!”
“Well, it could have been worse,” Felina says. “I mean, look on the bright side: he only tricked you into thinking you were going to be featured on a magazine cover. It’s not like he manipulated you into having an intimate encounter with him.”
Eloisa looks away, embarrassed.
“Oh…” Felina says. “He manipulated you into having an intimate encounter with him, didn’t he?”
“I couldn’t help myself,” Eloisa says. “He has lots of money, and he’s married, which is also a big turn-on for me… and I was in such a celebratory mood at the time.”
While looking at the various photographs on the magazine cover, Dexter says: “Wow, do you think he seduced every one of the hotties in this collage? That’s amazing.”
Eloisa picks up a glass of soda from the table and pours the soda on Dexter’s head.
“I deserved that, I know,” Dexter says.
“So are we going to the movie now?” Felina says.
“No, we need to go see that sleazy photographer Gaz,” Eloisa says.
“What for?” Felina says.
“Because I want to confront him about what he did to me, and I need you all there for moral support,” Eloisa says. “Are you coming with me?”
“We would go with you anywhere, Eloisa,” Ted says. “Especially me.”
“Let’s go,” Eloisa says.
Later, Felina is driving her car in a very upper-class neighborhood. Eloisa is sitting in the front passenger seat. Ted and Dexter are sitting in the back seats. Eloisa is directing Felina where to drive.
“Where are we going?” Felina says.
“He has a luxurious suite that he works out of,” Eloisa says. “I bet his rich actress wife pays for it all. He’s probably there right now, seducing some other bimbo. There’s the building. You can park the car right over there.”
Felina parks the car. They all get out of the car and go into the building containing the luxurious suite that Gaz works out of.
There is a male receptionist sitting at the building’s front reception desk.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist says.
“We’re here to see Gaz in Suite 11-B,” Eloisa says.
“Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist says.
“No,” Eloisa says.
“Well I can’t let you go upstairs to see him without an appointment,” the receptionist says. “Those were his specific instructions to me.”
“Let’s just go, Eloisa,” Felina says.
“Oh for goodness’ sake,” Eloisa says, unbuttoning her blouse. She holds out her chest in front of the receptionist, inches away from his face. “Here’s my appointment,” she says. “You can touch them for two minutes, and then you let us go upstairs to see Gaz, agreed?”
A few minutes later, Eloisa and Felina and Ted and Dexter get off the building’s elevator, onto the floor containing the luxurious suite that Gaz works out of.
“That was one lucky receptionist,” Ted says.
Eloisa, with the others following behind her, walks up to the front door of Gaz’s suite. With one kick, she knocks the front door down.
“Whoa,” Ted says. “I am so in love.”
At that moment, in the suite, Gaz and a sexy female model named Xenia are on the round bed, which can be seen from the suite’s front doorway. Xenia is scantily clad and is kneeling on the bed. Gaz is behind Xenia, also kneeling on the bed. He is holding one of her hands and kissing her neck, which seems to be causing her great pleasure.
Suddenly, Gaz and Xenia simultaneously stop what they’re doing, startled, having just noticed the broken-down front door and the four people standing by the front doorway.
Gaz gets out of the bed and says: “Eloisa! What are you doing here? Why did you break down my door?”
Eloisa storms into the suite, with the others following behind her.
“‘What am I doing here?’?” Eloisa says. “‘What am I doing here?’?! I’m here to pummel you mercilessly!”
“Why?” Gaz says. “I don’t understand.”
“I saw the cover of Collage,” Eloisa says.
“Yeah, so?” Gaz says. “You looked great on it! What’s the problem?”
“I’m barely visible on the cover!” Eloisa says. “The photograph of me is so tiny! I’m practically invisible! And you didn’t tell me that I’d be sharing the cover with a thousand other bimbos!”
“It never came up in our conversations,” Gaz says.
“You tricked me!” Eloisa says.
“I didn’t trick you!” Gaz says.
“You had me thinking it was going to be a big break for me!” Eloisa says.
“I think it is a big break for you,” Gaz says. “You’re on the cover of a magazine that is selling out in record numbers all across the country. No one can ever take that away from you.”
“I’m completely irrelevant,” Eloisa says, deflated. “It’s Lililalaya who’s on the cover, not me. I’m just one small particle that helps make up her image.”
“Well, if that’s the way you want to interpret the situation, you’re free to do so,” Gaz says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish up here with Xenia and get ready for tonight. Lililalaya called me. She was so pleased with how she looks on the Collage cover that she invited me to come over to her mansion tonight so that she can personally thank me in her own special way.”
“Come on, Eloisa, let’s just leave,” Felina says. “There’s nothing more that you can accomplish here.”
“Fine,” Eloisa says. “But I hope you feel bad about this one day, Gaz.”
Eloisa begins to turn to leave.
“Now hold on,” Ted says.
Ted says: “Listen, Mister Gaz: you may be a successful photographer who gets to have all kinds of carnal delights with many, many beautiful women, and I sincerely am envious of all of your success with women… but Eloisa is not just another interchangeable bimbo for you to photograph and then seduce. No offense, Xenia. Mister Gaz, Eloisa is a beautiful, special, unique, exotic creature who should be featured on the cover of every magazine on the planet. If you’re too narrow-minded to see that, there’s nothing I can do to change that. But you owe her an apology, and we’re not leaving until you give it to her.”
“Wow…” Eloisa says. “Thank you, Ted. No one has ever stood up for me like that before.”
After a few seconds, Gaz says: “Okay. Okay, fine. I’ll apologize to Eloisa.”
“Great,” Ted says. “So do it.”
“But I can’t apologize with all of you people watching,” Gaz says. “I’m a very self-conscious person. Can you all just leave and I’ll apologize to her in private?”
“We’ll be waiting for you in the car, Eloisa,” Felina says. “Come on, guys.”
Felina and Ted and Dexter exit Gaz’s suite.
An hour later, outside the suite’s building, Felina and Ted and Dexter are sitting in Felina’s car, still waiting for Eloisa.
“What is taking so long?” Ted says.
“This is now the world’s longest apology,” Dexter says.
Eloisa walks out of the building and gets into the car.
“How did it go?” Ted says.
“Okay… I guess,” Eloisa says. She looks away, embarrassed.
Felina rolls her eyes, annoyed. “You had another intimate encounter with him, didn’t you?” she says.
“Yes…” Eloisa says.
“With Xenia still in the suite with you?!” Dexter says.
“It was a threesome,” Eloisa says.
“Oh, Eloisa…” Felina says. “You never learn.”
Felina begins driving them away.
While they’re on the road, Eloisa says: “So Dexter, I hear you’re going on a year-long voyage with a female bodybuilder.”
“Something like that,” Dexter says.
“So you’re moving out of your apartment?” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Dexter says. “It’ll be just Felina and Ted.”
“Well, if no one’s going to use that apartment’s spare third bedroom, I’d like to move in there,” Eloisa says.
“You do?!” Ted and Felina say simultaneously, Ted with enthusiasm, Felina with dread.
“Yes,” Eloisa says. “Now that my ‘big break’ has turned out to be a ‘big nothing’, I’m fairly positive that I won’t be experiencing a massive upturn in modeling jobs that come my way. Which means I won’t be able to continue to afford the apartment I’m currently living in. So I need a place to stay. And Felina, you and I had such a great time being roommates together previously, so it only makes sense that I move in with you and Ted.”
Before Felina can express any reservations, Ted says: “We’d love to have you living in the apartment with us, Eloisa.”
“Great!” Eloisa says.
A few days later, Felina enters her apartment, having returned from work. Much to her surprise, Dexter is there, sitting on the ridiculous-looking red couch. He looks stunned. Ted is also sitting on the couch. He also looks stunned.
“Dexter?” Felina says. “What are you still doing here? Isn’t your year-long passion pit boat voyage with Oxana and Zolana supposed to begin today?”
“Zolana dumped me,” Dexter says. “She ended our relationship moments before I was going to get on the boat. She said she doesn’t love me anymore and wanted to remove me from her life. She said the boat voyage was going to be a fresh start for her, a chance to start anew. They left without me.”
“So it’s over between you and Oxana?” Felina says.
“Yes, at least for the foreseeable future,” Dexter says. “Her husband has her all to himself now… that jerk.”
“And why do you look so dejected, Ted?” Felina says.
“Barbara ended my plaything arrangement with her,” Ted says. “She called me a loser and said that I could never satisfy her. She said I’m going to have to start paying rent again.”
“Well, look on the bright side: at least the both of you are now free of those toxic, dysfunctional relationships,” Felina says.
“Zolana… disgusting, sweaty, muscular Zolana… dumped me,” Dexter says.
“Barbara… fat, hideous Barbara… dumped me,” Ted says.
Suddenly, Felina realizes something. “Wait a minute,” she says. “Snap out of your funks, you idiots. I just realized something: Dexter, if you’re not going on the year-long boat voyage, then that means you’re going to continue living here, correct?”
“Correct,” Dexter says.
“But Eloisa is still planning to move in here tomorrow,” Felina says. “Four people living in a three-bedroom apartment? That’s not going to work.”
“We’ll figure something out,” Dexter says.
“Yes, we’ll figure something out,” Ted says. “Somehow, we’ll make it work.”
“No!” Felina says, elated. “It can’t work! It can’t! We’ll just have to tell Eloisa that she can’t move in here after all! Eloisa won’t be moving in with us after all! I’ll call her right now and tell her the news.”
Felina goes over to the phone, eager to stop Eloisa from moving into the apartment.
“Wait!” Ted says. “I’ve got an idea. There is a way we can make this work.”
The next day, much to Felina’s dismay, Eloisa moves into the apartment. She now has the bedroom that used to be Ted’s, and Ted will be sleeping on the ridiculous-looking red couch in the living room.
Later, in the late evening, Ted is laying on the red couch, daydreaming about Eloisa. “Someday, she will love me,” Ted says, speaking to no one in particular.
In Eloisa’s bedroom, Eloisa is laying on her bed and looking at a photograph of Ted that she just found under her bed. Ted had strategically ‘forgot’ to take that photograph with him when he moved out of the bedroom, along with various other reminders of himself that he ‘accidentally’ left behind for Eloisa to gradually find, in an effort to make Eloisa gradually, subliminally start thinking of him often, and perhaps even start having dreams about him, and perhaps eventually start falling in love with him.
“So repulsive,” Eloisa says, looking at the photograph of Ted. She tosses the photograph into a nearby waste basket, then shuts off her bedroom’s lamp and goes to sleep.
In Dexter’s bedroom, Dexter is sitting on his bed and looking at a framed photograph of Oxana. He had taken this picture of her. In the photograph, Oxana is pointing at him and laughing cruelly.
“Oxana, I love you…” Dexter says, tears coming down his face.
Then he turns the framed photograph around. On the other side of the frame is another framed photograph, this one of Zolana. He had taken this picture of her. In the photograph, Zolana is looking at him disapprovingly and wagging her finger at him disapprovingly while simultaneously lifting a barbell with one hand.
“Zolana, how could you do this to me?” Dexter says, tears coming down his face.
In Felina’s bedroom, Felina is laying on her bed, unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, very troubled by the uncertainty of how much longer she will be sharing an apartment with Dexter and Ted and Eloisa.
“It’s only temporary,” Felina says, very uncertain. “It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary.”
EPISODE 2: RIDICULOUS ROBE: A SITCOM
During a morning, in a crummy three-bedroom apartment in which four platonic friends reside, one of the apartment’s residents, a beautiful woman named Eloisa, is escorting her handsome male lover from last night out of the apartment. At the apartment’s front doorway, he kisses Eloisa and then leaves the apartment.
In the apartment’s living room, a few feet behind where Eloisa is standing, there is a ridiculous-looking red couch. Laying on the couch is another one of the apartment’s residents, a man named Ted.
“So that was your lover from last night?” Ted says.
“Yes,” Eloisa says. “Sorry if the noise from my bedroom kept you up last night.”
“I didn’t hear anything,” Ted says, lying. “So is it serious between the two of you?”
“I guess,” Eloisa says. “I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.”
“Probably not…” Ted says, hopeful. “So Eloisa, I was thinking, now that you’re living in this apartment with me and Dexter and Felina, maybe you and I should get to know each other better. I mean, it only makes sense, now that we’re sharing an apartment. So I was thinking that maybe we could have dinner together tonight, just the two of us.”
Eloisa says: “Ted, listen: I really appreciate that you and Dexter and Felina let me move into your apartment, and I really appreciate that you let me have your bedroom, even though it means you now have to sleep on this uncomfortable living room couch at nights, but I’m not attracted to you.”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“The truth is… I think you’re gross,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“You disgust me,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“I find you repulsive,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“And I think you’re a loser,” Eloisa says. “I mean, you sleep on a couch! You are such a loser!”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“So you understand my position on this matter?” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Ted says. “You paint a very clear picture, Eloisa.”
“Good,” Eloisa says. “Thanks for being so understanding. And thanks again for giving up your bedroom for me. You’re a really good friend. I’m gonna take a shower now.”
Eloisa goes into the apartment’s bathroom.
Another resident of the apartment, a woman named Felina, comes out of her bedroom.
“Good morning, Ted,” Felina says.
“Hi Felina,” Ted says glumly.
“Why do you sound so glum?” Felina says.
“It’s starting to seem like I’m never gonna get to follinuck Eloisa,” Ted says. “And I’m starting to think I made a mistake in letting her move into our apartment. Having that unattainable goddess living here is torture for me.”
“Who would have known that sharing your apartment with a woman you have an unrequited love for would turn out to be a bad thing for you?” Felina says sarcastically.
“I know, it’s mind-boggling,” Ted says. “Felina, you’ve got to help me. You’ve been friends with Eloisa for years. You know her better than anyone else. Surely, you can give me some inside information that will help me get inside Eloisa.”
“There’s nothing I can do to help you, Ted, even if I wanted to,” Felina says. “As I’ve told you many times before, the men that Eloisa gets involved with are all wealthy, married, and/or physically attractive. And you have none of those qualities. Your situation is hopeless.”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“Where’s Dexter?” Felina says. “He’s usually the first one up every morning. Is he still asleep?”
“Dexter never came home last night,” Ted says. “We were hanging out in the tavern across the street last night. He was still there when I left. He was drunk and wanted to get drunker.”
“I’m worried about him,” Felina says. “He’s been very depressed about his affair with that married woman ending. It seems to have put him on a self-destructive path. I hope it doesn’t lead to him making any really bad decisions.”
Dexter enters the apartment. He is wearing only a ridiculously oversized red robe that seems like it would be more appropriate for an obese woman.
“I am never drinking alcohol again,” Dexter says.
“Dexter, what happened to you?” Felina says. “Where have you been? Why are you wearing that ridiculous robe? What happened to your clothes?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dexter says.
“Wait a second,” Ted says. “I know that robe! That robe belongs to Barbara!”
“What?!” Felina says. “You mean Barbara, the hideous, obese woman who’s our landlord?”
“Yes, Barbara the landlord,” Ted says. “You spent the night with her, didn’t you, Dexter?”
“Fine, you figured it out: I follinucked Barbara,” Dexter says, annoyed.
“How did that happen, Dexter?” Felina says. “What were you thinking?”
“I was drunk,” Dexter says. “I was trying to drink away my sorrows, trying to temporarily dull the pain of my loss of Oxana, the woman I love, my one true soul mate. After Ted left the tavern, I ran into Barbara there. And in my drunken stupor, something about her seemed vaguely reminiscent of Oxana. One thing led to another, and I ended up back at her apartment with her. During our intimate encounter, she ripped off all of my clothes, destroying them in the process. So she lent me her robe to wear.”
“Pathetic,” Ted says.
“I agree with Ted,” Felina says. “Dexter, you’ve got to get over Oxana. Look what you’ve been reduced to! And for what? A married woman who wouldn’t leave her husband for you! She doesn’t love you, Dexter. She never loved you. You were just a distraction for her. A toy to play with while her husband was away. And now she and her husband are away on their year-long boat voyage around the world, and she’s forgetting all about you.”
“She doesn’t love him,” Dexter says. “She loves me. She only stayed with her husband because he’s rich. If I could provide her with the luxurious lifestyle that he does, she gladly would leave him for me.”
“That just makes her even more horrible from my point of view,” Felina says. “She’s a horrible, despicable woman, and you should forget all about her. Drinking yourself into a drunken stupor every night isn’t going to solve your problems.”
“She’s right, Dexter,” Ted says.
Suddenly, Dexter looks as if he’s having an epiphany. “Yes…” he says. “Yes… Felina is right: drinking myself into a drunken stupor every night isn’t going to help me get Oxana back. I need to be proactive! The only way to get Oxana to come back to me and leave her husband for me is if I become able to provide her with a luxurious lifestyle. Which means I need to somehow become rich.”
“I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make,” Felina says.
Suddenly, Ted looks as if he’s having an epiphany. “And the only way for me to get Eloisa to find me attractive is if I become rich and/or married. Which means I need to somehow become rich and/or married.”
“What?!” Felina says. “How do either of you idiots expect to become rich?”
“I’m already one step ahead of you, Felina,” Dexter says. “Our neighbor, that woman named Sheila, was telling me all about that man named Andrew Squervil who also lives in this apartment building. He’s desperately trying to become rich. He regularly visits a nightclub in an upper-class neighborhood that is frequently populated with rich, single women. He goes to the nightclub and tries to seduce these women and con them into marriage so he can get access to their wealth. It’s a brilliant plan.”
“Wait a second,” Felina says. “If this sleazy loser Andrew Squervil’s plan is so brilliant, why is he still not rich and still living in this crummy apartment building?”
“According to Sheila, Andrew is a magnet for failure,” Dexter says. “His many, many attempts to become rich have ended in failure, and have often resulted in him being pummeled mercilessly and/or imprisoned. It’s like he’s cursed.”
“How does that Sheila woman know so much about Andrew?” Ted says.
“She’s been stalking him,” Dexter says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“But just because Andrew is doomed to forever be a loser doesn’t mean that his plan to become rich is a bad idea,” Dexter says. “I could use that same plan to become rich. And unlike Andrew, I will succeed, because I’m a winner.”
“You won’t succeed, and you’re not a winner,” Felina says. “This is a terrible idea, Dexter. How can you even entertain the idea of marrying a woman you don’t love for her money?”
“This is a fantastic idea, Dexter,” Ted says. “And I’m going to do it as well. We’ll go to the nightclub together and pursue our mutual goal together. And soon, the both of us will be rich!”
“And I’ll be able to get Oxana back,” Dexter says.
“And I’ll be able to buy Eloisa’s love,” Ted says.
Dexter and Ted laugh sinisterly in unison for a very long time, as if they are evil masterminds. Felina rolls her eyes.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in this apartment capable of good judgment,” Felina says.
Eloisa comes out of the bathroom, having finished taking her shower. She is wearing a red robe that is exactly the same as the robe that Dexter is wearing, except that her robe is of a much smaller size.
“Nice robe, Dexter,” Eloisa says.
Later, in the late evening, Felina and Eloisa are sitting at the bar in the tavern across the street from the apartment building that they live in. They are having drinks.
The bartender on duty places a new drink in front of Felina.
“I didn’t order this,” Felina says.
“It’s from that woman sitting at the table over there,” the bartender says, nodding toward a table across the room.
Felina and Eloisa looks toward the table. Sitting at the table is Barbara the landlord. Barbara winks at Felina flirtatiously. Felina looks away, disgusted.
“Looks like you have an admirer,” Eloisa says.
“Gross,” Felina says.
“So where are Ted and Dexter tonight?” Eloisa says.
“They went to that nightclub where all the rich, single women are,” Felina says. “They said they might come by here afterwards.”
“They are such idiots,” Eloisa says. “Especially Ted. Do they really think they’ll manage to marry any rich women for their money?”
“What will you do if Ted succeeds?” Felina says.
“What do you mean?” Eloisa says.
“I mean, if he becomes married and rich, will you become interested in him?” Felina says.
“Oh no…” Eloisa says, suddenly very worried. “That would make him irresistible to me. But I can’t be attracted to Ted! He’s such a disgusting loser! He can’t succeed! I can’t let him succeed! I have to do everything in my power to stop him!”
“Eloisa, you’re being ridiculous,” Felina says.
“No, I’m not!” Eloisa says. “If he becomes rich and married, I won’t be able to resist him, no matter how physically repulsive he is! I can’t let that happen to me. We can’t let that happen to me! We have to stop any possibility of future me ending up with Ted! We have to stop Ted! Let’s go to the nightclub and do what we can to sabotage his chances with the rich, single women there!”
As Eloisa is getting up from her seat, Dexter enters the tavern. His face is covered in bruises.
“Dexter!” Felina says. “What happened to you?”
“Ted and I went to that nightclub,” Dexter says. “We got into separate misadventures with rich women. Both of those misadventures ended badly for us. I ended up getting pummeled mercilessly by a married rich woman’s husband, and Ted ended up getting arrested for accidentally stealing someone’s limousine.”
“Ted is in jail?!” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Dexter says.
“Oh thank goodness,” Eloisa says. “That means his plan to become rich and married has been thwarted… at least for now.”
“This is terrible!” Felina says. “Ted is in jail!”
“Don’t worry,” Dexter says. “The arresting police officer told me that Ted will be released in the morning and let off with a warning. The only good news I have to share is that I am now completely over Oxana.”
“That’s great, Dexter!” Eloisa says.
“I met someone else, and I really, really like her,” Dexter says.
“It’s the wife of the man who pummeled you mercilessly, isn’t it?” Felina says.
“Yes,” Dexter says.
“Oh Dexter…” Felina says. “You never learn. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in our apartment capable of good judgment.”
The next day, in the morning, while Ted and Dexter and Eloisa are sitting on the couch in their apartment’s living room, watching television, Felina enters the apartment. She is wearing only Barbara’s ridiculously large red robe. Ted and Dexter and Eloisa all stare at Felina, stunned.
“I am never drinking alcohol again,” Felina says.
EPISODE 3: RIDICULOUS DREAMS: A SITCOM
During a night, in a three-bedroom apartment that is shared by four platonic friends, one of the apartment’s residents, a man named Ted, is sleeping on a ridiculous-looking red couch in the apartment’s living room. Ted is the only resident of the apartment who doesn’t have a bedroom.
Ted is having a dream. In the dream, he is sitting on the ridiculous-looking red couch in the apartment’s living room. Sitting next to him on the couch is another one of the apartment’s residents, a beautiful woman named Eloisa.
Ted is highly attracted to Eloisa. Unfortunately for Ted, in real life, Eloisa finds him repulsive.
In this dream however, Eloisa doesn’t seem to be disgusted by Ted. She is smiling at him flirtatiously.
“Ted, you are the most attractive man in the whole universe,” Eloisa says. “I don’t think you’re gross at all. Will you be with me and satisfy my every carnal desire?”
“Yes,” Ted says. “Yes, I will, Eloisa.”
Eloisa begins leaning in to kiss Ted.
Suddenly, Ted is woken up from his dream by a loud noise coming from the bedroom of the real Eloisa: her loud, passionate scream of joy, courtesy of the handsome male lover she is currently having an intimate encounter with.
The next day, in the afternoon, Ted and the apartment’s two other roommates, a man named Dexter and a woman named Felina, are sitting on the couch, watching television. On the television is an episode of a sitcom called Childless Couple.
“Where’s Eloisa?” Ted says.
“She’s out doing a modeling job,” Felina says.
“I had a dream about her last night,” Ted says.
“Of course you did,” Felina says.
“In the dream, she wanted to be with me,” Ted says. “But before it went any further, I was woken up by a loud noise.”
“That’s too bad,” Dexter says.
“And now I might never have that dream again,” Ted says.
“You should go see this hypnotistress I heard about,” Dexter says.
“What is a hypnotistress?” Ted days.
“It’s a female hypnotist,” Dexter says. “Our neighbor, Sheila, was telling me about how our neighbor, Andrew Squervil, went to a hypnotistress named Ursula to help him control what he dreams about when he’s asleep. One of the hypnotistress’ many abilities is that, through hypnosis, she can manipulate the subconscious part of a client’s mind so that the client will forever after have a specific recurring dream whenever they are asleep. The hypnotistress has caused many of her clients to have pleasant recurring dreams as requested by the clients. The recurring dreams the hypnotistress creates for her clients usually have to do with some kind of wish fulfillment. She could hypnotize you so that you have the dream you were having last night, over and over again, whenever you are asleep.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Felina says.
“That sounds like a great idea!” Ted says. “I’m going to do it! And then Eloisa will be mine in my dreams, forever!”
He laughs sinisterly, as if he were an evil mastermind. Felina rolls her eyes.
Later that afternoon, after looking up the work address of Ursula the hypnotistress, Ted goes to see her at her place of business.
After sitting down and discussing Ted’s needs with him, Ursula says: “So, if I understand correctly: you want me to hypnotize you so that whenever you’re asleep, you’ll have a dream that you were having last night?”
“Yes,” Ted says.
“And the dream is about a woman you know in real life?” Ursula says.
“Yes,” Ted says.
“And in real life, she’s repulsed by you?” Ursula says.
“Yes,” Ted says.
“I don’t understand: why would you want to dream about her every night if she’s repulsed by you?” Ursula says.
“Because in the dream I had, she’s not repulsed by me,” Ted says. “In the dream, she wants to be with me. I want to have the dream I had last night every night.”
“Are you sure you really want this?” Ursula says. “Sometimes, dreams can turn into nightmares very easily. And the hypnosis-induced dreams that I can produce for my clients have a side-effect: for the person having the dream, it can seem to last very, very long, much longer than a few hours. Some of my clients have said the dreams I’ve given them feel like they last for a near-eternity every night.”
“A near-eternity every night with Eloisa?” Ted says. “That sounds like heaven! Sign me up!”
“Okay…” Ursula says. “But remember, the line separating heaven from hell is very thin.”
Ursula proceeds to hypnotize Ted.
Some time later, Ursula frees Ted from his hypnotic spell.
“Okay, you’re all set,” Ursula says. “I gave you the dream you were having last night. From now on, you’ll have that dream whenever you’re asleep.”
Later, during the night, in his apartment, Ted falls asleep on the red couch, eager to return to the dream he was having last night. He is wearing earplugs to block out any sounds that could potentially interrupt the dream, like had happened last night.
Now, Ted is dreaming. In the dream, he and Eloisa are sitting on the red couch. Eloisa is smiling at him flirtatiously.
“Ted, you are the most attractive man in the whole universe,” Eloisa says. “I don’t think you’re gross at all. Will you be with me and satisfy my every carnal desire?”
“Yes,” Ted says. “Yes, I will, Eloisa.”
Eloisa begins leaning in to kiss Ted.
Suddenly, she stops.
“What’s wrong?” Ted says.
“Before we get started, I want you to have this drink I prepared for you,” Eloisa says.
From a nearby table, she picks up a glass of wine and hands it to Ted.
Ted drinks the wine while Eloisa smiles at him flirtatiously.
Suddenly, Ted falls to the floor. He can’t move.
“That’s right, Ted: I’ve fatally poisoned you,” Eloisa says. “You’re dying now.”
“Why would… you do this… to me?” Ted says.
“Because I find you repulsive,” Eloisa says. “I will never, ever be yours, not even in your dreams. Goodbye, Ted.”
To Ted, everything seems to fade away. Now he is surrounded by darkness. He stands up and looks around. He sees a white light in the distance. He walks toward the light.
Now Ted is in what appears to be a clothes store. Various people are in the store, shopping. But Ted is not himself anymore. His entire body is gone. Instead, he is a leopard-colored pair of women’s underwear. He is hanging on a clothes rack, on display, surrounded by various other pairs of women’s underwear also on display. Though Ted has no eyes or ears or any other human parts, he can somehow see and hear and smell and feel.
He thinks: I’ve died and been reincarnated as a pair of women’s underwear.
Suddenly, he notices that Eloisa and Felina are in the store, browsing.
Suddenly, Ted remembers a conversation he and Dexter had in real life a few weeks ago. In the conversation, they were discussing what they would like to be reincarnated as if reincarnation were possible, and Ted said that he would like to be reincarnated as Eloisa’s underwear.
Ted thinks: of course, that’s what’s going on here!
Eloisa and Felina walk up to the rack containing Ted and the other pieces of women’s underwear.
“I could use some new underwear,” Eloisa says.
Ted thinks: pick me, pick me!
Eloisa looks at Ted and says: “This one looks really nice. I think I might buy this one.”
Ted thinks: yes, yes, yes!
Eloisa begins reaching toward him to take him off the rack.
“Wait,” Felina says.
“What?” she says.
Ted thinks: what?
“You don’t want to buy that underwear, Eloisa,” Felina says.
“Why not?” Eloisa says.
Ted thinks: yeah, why not?
“Because it’s much too big for you,” Felina says. “It’s a size that would be more appropriate for an obese woman.”
“Yes, you’re right,” Eloisa says. She takes a different pair of underwear. “I’ll buy this one instead,” Eloisa says.
Ted thinks: NO!
Eloisa and Felina walk away from Ted.
Ted thinks: stupid Felina… ruined everything…
Suddenly, a hideous, obese woman named Barbara enters the store. In real life, Barbara is the landlord of the apartment that Ted and his roommates live in.
Barbara notices Ted.
Ted thinks: oh no… not that… anything but that…
Barbara walks toward Ted.
“What a nice pair of underwear,” Barbara says. “I could use a new pair of underwear.”
Ted thinks: no, please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me!
Barbara takes Ted off the rack and says: “I’m going to buy this underwear!”
Ted thinks: NOOOOOooooooo…
Now, some time has suddenly passed and Barbara is now back at her apartment and wearing nothing but the Ted underwear and admiring her hideous, obese figure in front of a mirror.
Ted remembers what Ursula the hypnotistress told him about how the dream would feel like it would last a near-eternity. He thinks: a near-eternity of being Barbara’s underwear.
Ted wants to wake up. But he isn’t going to wake up anytime soon.
EPISODE 4: RIDICULOUS MARRIAGE PROPOSAL: A SITCOM
During a morning, in a three-bedroom apartment shared by four platonic friends, three of the apartment’s residents are sitting at a table in the apartment’s kitchen, having breakfast. The three people at the table are a man named Dexter, a woman named Felina, and a woman named Eloisa. Eloisa is a model.
Nearby, in the apartment’s living room, the apartment’s other resident, a man named Ted, is sleeping on a ridiculous-looking red couch. Ted is the only resident in the apartment who doesn’t have a bedroom. Ted is very infatuated with Eloisa. Unfortunately for Ted, Eloisa finds him repulsive.
“Ted is sleeping very late today,” Felina says. “Should we wake him up?”
“Why bother?” Dexter says. “He’s off from work today. If he wants to sleep late, let him sleep late.”
“Do you think that hypnotistress really gave him what he wanted?” Felina says.
“‘Hypnotistress’?” Eloisa says. “What are you talking about?”
Felina smirks. She says: “Well, yesterday, Ted went to a-”
Suddenly, Ted wakes up and falls off the couch. He looks around, shocked. He looks at his body, still shocked.
“I’m… back,” Ted says. “I’m back! I’m free! I’m free! I’m me again! I’m free!”
“Ted?” Felina says. “Are you okay?”
Ted removes earplugs from his ears and tosses them away. He says: “Felina… Dexter… Eloisa… sweet, beautiful Eloisa… I haven’t seen any of you in so long. You’re all just like I remember you.”
“What are you talking about?” Eloisa says.
Ted crawls over to Eloisa and kneels beside her. He says: “Eloisa… I’ve been through so much. I’ve suffered so much… and it was all for you. All for you!”
Eloisa says: “Ted, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but as I’ve told you many, many times before, I’m not interested in having any kind of non-platonic relationship with you. I’m not attracted to you. I think you’re gross.”
Ted says: “Eloisa… you don’t know what I’ve been through. If you did, you would feel differently about me. Yesterday… I went to a hypnotistress.”
“What’s a hypnotistress?” Eloisa says.
“A female hypnotist,” Ted says.
“Why did you go to a hypnotistress?” Eloisa says.
“Because she has the ability to hypnotize people so that they have certain recurring dreams,” Ted says. “So I had her hypnotize me so that I would dream about you every night. Because being with you is my idea of heaven. I went to sleep last night, expecting to have a dream about you.”
“Did you?” Eloisa says, disinterested.
“Yes,” Ted says. “But it didn’t play out like I thought it would. In the dream, it seemed like you were in love with me and wanted to have carnal intercourse with me. But then you killed me instead. Then I was reincarnated as a pair of leopard-colored women’s underwear.”
“What?!” Eloisa and Felina and Dexter say.
“In the dream, I was reincarnated as a pair of leopard-colored women’s underwear,” Ted says.
“Whose underwear were you?” Dexter says. “Eloisa’s?”
“I wish,” Ted says. “No, my subconscious had a different fate is store for me… a truly terrible fate, one worse than death: I became Barbara’s underwear.”
“Barbara?” Dexter says. “Our hideous, obese female landlord?”
“Yes,” Ted says. “In the dream, Barbara was wearing me. And, as the hypnotistress had warned me, my perception of time was different. Every second felt like hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years. Though I was only asleep and dreaming for a few hours, those few hours felt like a near-eternity for me. I spent a near-eternity being Barbara’s underwear, being worn by Barbara, and enduring all the horrors that that entails.”
“Wow,” Dexter says. “That truly is a fate worse than death.”
Felina nods in agreement.
Ted says: “The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of you, Eloisa; you and your ultra-sexy body; and the knowledge that one day, I would wake up and get to see you again. My love and lust for you never declined, even though that desire was the very thing that led to my misery-inducing imprisonment in Barbara’s nether regions. That proves that I love you, Eloisa! That proves that we’re soul mates, and are meant to be together. Only your one true soul mate would endure the hell that I endured for you, and still feel the way I do about you after it was over! And I would go through all that misery all over again for the chance to be with you! Only your one true soul mate would be willing to make such a sacrifice! We’re belong together, Eloisa. There’s only one thing to do. Let’s get married right away.”
Eloisa smiles and leans toward Ted as if she is going to kiss him. She says: “Keep dreaming, loser.” Then she presses her foot against Ted’s face, pushing him to the floor.
“I’ve got a modeling job to get to,” Eloisa says. “See you all later.”
She gets up and leaves the apartment.
Felina gets up and stands over Ted, looking down at him.
“Oh Ted,” Felina says. “You never learn, do you? Come on, we’ll take you back to that hypnotistress and get her to remove that horrible recurring dream from your mind.”
“Okay…” Ted says, feeling defeated.
He gets up. He and Dexter and Felina leave the apartment together.
EPISODE 5: RIDICULOUSLY HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR: A SITCOM
During a morning, in a crummy three-bedroom apartment that is shared by four platonic friends, all four of the apartment’s residents are in the apartment’s living room. Three of the apartment’s residents – a man named Ted, a man named Dexter, and a beautiful female model named Eloisa – are sitting on a ridiculous-looking red couch and watching television. The other resident – a divorced woman named Felina – is sitting at a nearby table and using her laptop computer.
At the moment, Felina is angrily viewing the official website of a beautiful female yoga instructor named Mariella.
Noticing Felina’s angry expression, Eloisa says: “Why are you angrily staring at your computer, Felina?”
“I’m looking at Mariella’s official website,” Felina says.
“Who’s Mariella?” Dexter says.
“She’s the hot yoga instructor who stole Felina’s husband,” Ted says.
“She’s not a hot yoga instructor,” Felina says. “She doesn’t teach hot yoga. She just teaches regular yoga.”
“Yeah, but she’s really hot, thereby making her a hot yoga instructor,” Ted says.
“Shut up, Ted,” Felina says.
“Why are you looking at Mariella’s official website, Felina?” Eloisa says.
“Obsession,” Dexter says. “She’s drawn to what she hates the most. Human nature.”
“Shut up, Dexter,” Felina says. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now.”
“What are you seeing right now?” Ted says. “Pictures of a scantily clad Mariella posing provocatively?”
“No,” Felina says. “I mean, yes. But that’s not all I’m seeing. There’s also a new picture that she uploaded today. It’s a picture of Mariella wearing an anklet! My anklet! The one my husband bought for me for our second anniversary! A few days after he gave me the anklet, I lost it. After we got divorced and I moved out of our house and Mariella moved in, she must have found the anklet. My anklet!”
“Was it important to you?” Eloisa says.
“No, not at all,” Felina says. “I didn’t even bother looking for it after I lost it. But that’s not the point! It’s my anklet, not hers! I want it back!”
“Felina, are you sure this desire to get your anklet back is really a subconscious desire to get your ex-husband back?” Dexter says. “After all, Mariella stole him from you. Like the anklet, he once belonged to you and now belongs to Mariella.”
“Shut up, Dexter!” Felina says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to Mariella and get the anklet off of her and back onto my body, where he belongs!”
Felina exits the apartment.
An hour later, Felina re-enters the apartment. Dexter and Ted are still on the couch, but Eloisa is no longer there.
“How did it go?” Ted says.
“Awful,” Felina says. “Mariella refused to give me back the anklet and she had a restraining order issued against me.”
“She was able to get a restraining order issued against you that quickly?” Dexter says.
“She has connections,” Felina says. “Where’s Eloisa?”
“She’s become involved in a separate misadventure involving our sleazy male neighbor Andrew Squervil,” Ted says sadly. “She’s deceiving Andrew into thinking that she’s a rich heiress so that he will be interested in her, as he wants to marry a rich woman for her money.”
“Andrew is totally fooled by Eloisa’s deception,” Dexter says. “They’re in his apartment right now, having an intimate encounter. Andrew totally thinks he’s on his way to becoming rich.”
“Why would Eloisa even want to be involved with that sleazy loser?” Felina says.
“She’s attracted to sleazy losers,” Ted says sadly.
“She thinks she can change Andrew,” Dexter says. “She’s convinced that he’ll fall in love with her and abandon his sleazy ways and that, by the time he discovers that she’s not really rich, he’ll have changed so much that it won’t matter to him anymore.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Felina says. “She’s going to be disappointed. But we can’t concern ourselves with Eloisa’s misadventure right now. We need to focus on getting my anklet back. I can’t go back to Mariella and my ex-husband’s house because of the restraining order, so I need the two of you to go there and steal the anklet for me.”
“That’s crazy!” Dexter says.
“Yeah, we’re not thieves, Felina,” Ted says. “You really need to just let this go.”
“I’ll pay you both,” Felina says.
“Okay, we’ll do it!” Ted and Dexter say in unison.
An hour later, Ted and Dexter are sitting in a parked car outside of the house that belongs to Felina’s ex-husband and Mariella. The house is absurdly luxurious.
“Fancy place,” Ted says. “I had no idea that Felina’s ex-husband was so well-to-do. I can see why Felina is so bitter about how the divorce turned out for her. He got to keep everything except the red couch. Now she’s stuck with us and Eloisa in our crummy apartment while Felina’s ex-husband spends his days living in this fancy house and having intimate encounters with the hot yoga instructor.”
Dexter snickers. “Yeah, life is funny,” he says. “So how do you want to do this?”
“Well, according to Felina, her ex-husband is away at work for the rest of the day and Mariella is in the house by herself,” Ted says. “So the way I figure it is: I’ll knock on the front door, and when she answers, I’ll pretend to be a traveling salesman, interested in selling my wares to her; while she’s distracted by me, you’ll sneak into the house through a window and find the anklet and sneak out with it; by the time she realizes the anklet is gone, you and I will both be long gone; and she won’t even realize the anklet was stolen; she’ll think she misplaced it somewhere. It’s the perfect crime.”
“Sound like a great plan,” Dexter says. “But I have one revision to make to it: I’ll pretend to be the traveling salesman and you’ll do the break-in.”
“What?” Ted says. “Why?”
“Ted, we’ve both seen pictures of Mariella,” Dexter says. “She’s a goddess. A total mega-hottie. And I know how you get around goddess women. You’ll be so overwhelmed by that moneyed honey’s beauty that you’ll be too distracted to successfully maintain the fake traveling salesman identity. She’ll realize something’s not right and the whole plan could fall apart.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Ted says. “I don’t crumble in the presence of goddess women. And besides, I’m in love with Eloisa. Albeit completely unrequitedly, but in love nonetheless. Mariella would have no effect on me.”
“She would,” Dexter says. “Women like Mariella turn men like you into putty. It’s one of her special abilities.”
“‘One of her special abilities’?” Ted says. “You make it sound like she’s a rare, exotic creature being described in a nature show.”
“She is a rare, exotic creature,” Dexter says. “And we need to be very careful about how we approach that lovely specimen. So I should approach her instead of you.”
“Okay, fine,” Ted says. “I don’t care either way.”
“Great,” Dexter says. He takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to do it now,” he says. “Watch us from here with your binoculars. Once it becomes clear that she’s preoccupied with me and my sales pitch, go sneak to the back of the house and do the break-in.”
Dexter gets out of the car and walks up to the house’s front door. He knocks on the front door.
Mariella opens the door. She is wearing a bikini and an open white robe. Dexter is immediately overwhelmed by her beauty.
“Hello,” Dexter says nervously. “I’m Dexter. I’m a salesman. A traveling salesman. Dexter the traveling salesman.”
Mariella smiles, amused.
From the parked car, Ted is watching Dexter and Mariella through binoculars. Ted sees Dexter rambling like an idiot while Mariella watches him in an increasingly flirtatious manner. Then Ted sees Mariella stop Dexter from talking. Then Ted sees Mariella kissing Dexter.
“Oh no…” Ted says. “I’ve got to do something.”
From the car’s glove compartment, Ted takes out a blowpipe. He aims the blowpipe at Dexter and blows into it, shooting a dart at him. The dart hits Dexter in the back of his neck, then falls to the ground.
Dexter becomes unconscious and falls to the ground.
Annoyed, Mariella rolls her eyes and goes back into the house and closes the front door.
A few minutes later, Dexter wakes up. He’s back in the parked car with Ted.
“What happened?” Dexter says. “The last thing I remember, I was making out with the hot yoga instructor and then all of a sudden…”
“I fired a dart at you with my blowpipe,” Ted says. “The dart contained a drug that temporarily knocks out its victims. It caused you to become temporarily unconscious.”
“Why would you have a blowpipe with darts that knock out its victims?” Dexter says.
“Our neighbor Sheila gave it to me,” Ted says. “She said she wasn’t using it anymore. I didn’t know what to do with it, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to have it around. One never knows when a blowpipe might come in handy. And today was that day! I was able to extricate you from that situation with Mariella. After you passed out and she went back inside, I brought you back to the car.”
“Why did you do any of that?” Dexter says. “She was kissing me! I was probably going to get to follinuck her!”
“Exactly, which is why I stopped it from happening,” Ted says. “That’s the woman who stole Felina’s ex-husband. Mariella is Felina’s arch-enemy. If you follinuck Mariella, it would be a massive betrayal of your friendship with Felina.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” Dexter says. “Felina wouldn’t care. I’m going to go back to Mariella and see if she’ll give me another chance with her.”
Dexter gets out of the car.
“Don’t, Dexter!” Ted says.
“I’m not listening to you anymore,” Dexter says.
He walks up to the house’s front door. He knocks on the front door.
Mariella opens the door.
“I’m sorry I passed out before,” Dexter says. “I was just so overwhelmed by your hot body. But I’m better now and I want to resume what we started.”
Mariella smiles and takes Dexter by the hand and leads him into the house. She closes the door.
“Oh no…” Ted says, watching through binoculars.
In the house, Mariella leads Dexter into the master bedroom. Mariella lays on the bed.
“Join me on the bed, traveling salesman,” Mariella says.
Dexter begins walking toward the bed.
Suddenly, Ted appears outside of the bedroom’s window. He begins knocking on the window frantically.
Mariella is shocked and annoyed. “Who is he?” she says.
“Uh, that’s my… business partner,” Dexter says.
Dexter opens the window.
“Ted, what are you doing?” Dexter says. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a business meeting?”
Ted climbs through the window.
“I’m here to stop you, Dexter,” Ted says.
“Stop me from what?” Dexter says. “I’m just in the middle of a meeting with a customer.”
“Just stop it,” Ted says. “Drop the ruse. I’m talking to you, Dexter, for real. You know what you’re about to do is wrong. Felina is your friend, and-”
“Felina?!” Mariella says. “You’re friends with Felina?”
“No!” Dexter says. “I mean… yes. Yes, Felina is my friend.”
Mariella smiles sinisterly. “That just makes me want you even more,” she says. “Get rid of your loser friend and then join me on the bed.”
“Your wish is my command, my love,” Dexter says. “Come on, Ted, it’s time for you to go.”
“Don’t do this, Dexter,” Ted says. “Think about Felina. Think about how much she’s suffered because of this woman. Felina’s whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. Felina’s lost nearly everything to this woman: Felina’s husband; Felina’s house; Felina’s precious anklet… And now Felina’s gonna lose her friend to Mariella too?”
Dexter pauses. He sighs. “You’re right,” he says. “Mariella, I’m sorry. As much as I’d like to join you on the bed, I can’t. I can’t betray my friend. Goodbye. Let’s go, Ted.”
Dexter begins walking out of the bedroom, with Ted following him.
Suddenly, before Ted can exit the bedroom, he is grabbed by Mariella, who is now standing behind him.
Ted turns around and faces Mariella. She looks angry.
“Listen, I’m sorry I spoiled your fun, but that’s just the way it is,” Ted says. “Friendship is important. Surely, even a woman as wicked as you must understand that.”
“Oh, I understand,” Mariella says.
She punches Ted in the face, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.
Later, in the apartment of Ted and Dexter and Felina and Eloisa, Eloisa enters the apartment. She looks very angry.
Felina is sitting on the red couch, watching television.
“How is your misadventure with Andrew Squervil going?” Felina says.
“It’s over between him and me,” Eloisa says, annoyed.
“Did he find out you’re not really rich?” Felina says.
“No,” Eloisa says. “But I caught him cheating on me with another woman! It turned out that Andrew was cheating on the both of us with each other. So the other woman and I both broke up with him, and she and I both beat him mercilessly.”
“Well I’m glad to hear that that’s over with,” Felina says.
Dexter enters the apartment.
“How did it go?” Felina says. “Did you get my anklet back?”
“What?” Dexter says. “Oh right, the anklet. We forgot all about that. No, we didn’t get it back.”
“Where’s Ted?” Felina says.
“Ted’s in jail,” Dexter says.
“What?!” Eloisa and Felina say in unison.
“Mariella knocked him out and then had him arrested,” Dexter says. “She told the arresting police officers that he was a burglar trying to break into her house. Which is kind of true, because of the whole anklet thing. But I spoke with Ted’s lawyer, and the lawyer assured me that everything will be okay. The lawyer has arranged for Ted to get a plea bargain deal: Ted will plead guilty in exchange for a sentence of three weeks in the Chamber of Misery.”
“The Chamber of Misery?” Eloisa says. “What’s that?”
“If you don’t know already, trust me, you don’t want to know,” Dexter says. “Let’s just say that Ted is going to be very, very unhappy for the next three weeks.”
“That’s terrible,” Felina says.
“I know,” Dexter says. “In retrospect, he would have been much better off if he just let me have an intimate encounter with Mariella like I wanted to.”
“What?!” Felina says. “You were going to have an intimate encounter with Mariella?”
“Relax, Felina,” Dexter says. “We didn’t. We just kissed, that’s all.”
“You and Felina kissed?” Felina says.
“Yes, that’s all,” Dexter says.
Felina nods, as if she understands Dexter’s rationale. Then she punches Dexter, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.