Nerwin and Thad

EPISODE 1: FOREVER DERWIN

Today, on the 135th floor of an office building of a corporation that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

Nerwin is thinking about Jenna, an attractive female employee of the corporation. Unlike Nerwin, Jenna has her own office. She is higher up in the company, and Nerwin is one of her subordinates. He has been quite fond of her for quite some time.

Unfortunately for Nerwin, Jenna is not aware of his infatuation with her. In fact, Jenna is barely aware of Nerwin’s existence, even though she has known him for years and has work-related interactions with him nearly every day. Jenna thinks Nerwin’s name is Derwin.

Nevertheless, Jenna is always very kind to Nerwin. Nerwin finds her a lot kinder, as well as a lot classier, than most of the people who work here. Nerwin finds most of the people who work here to be vile, shallow, callous, self-serving monsters. But not Jenna. Jenna is different, he thinks.

Nerwin remains hopeful that he and Jenna will be together someday; that somehow, she will begin to remember his name and fall in love with him.

One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a sleazy man named Thad, enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but more physically attractive than Nerwin. Thad has been intimately involved with various women at the company, including the company’s attractive owner and president, Gloria. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is completely oblivious to that dislike. And, for some reason, Thad often confides in Nerwin and keeps Nerwin updated as to all of Thad’s intimate encounters with women.

Nerwin notices that Thad has lipstick on his neck. Nerwin expects that he is about to hear about another one of Thad’s intimate encounters.

“Let me guess: you were in one of your ‘meetings’ with Gloria,” Nerwin says, disinterested. He is still working on his boring project and not giving Thad his full attention.

“No,” Thad says. “But it was a meeting just as good as that. With Jenna.”

Suddenly, Nerwin stops working. Thad now has Nerwin’s full attention. “What?” Nerwin says. “Jenna?”

Thad nods enthusiastically.

Nerwin can barely speak. “I don’t understand,” Nerwin says. “How did Jenna… Why would she-”

“It didn’t even require any effort on my part,” Thad says. “She called me into her office. Next thing I know, the office door is closed and she’s all over me. Totally unexpected. All this time, I didn’t think she was that type of woman.”

“I didn’t think so either,” Nerwin says sadly.

“I have to go meet with Gloria now, but I’ll provide you with all the graphic details later,” Thad says, oblivious to Nerwin’s sadness. “Oh, by the way, do you know someone who works here named Derwin? Jenna told me to remind Derwin to send her the updated spreadsheet. I didn’t know who or what she was talking about.”

“I do,” Nerwin says. “I’ll pass the message along.”

“Great, thanks!” Thad says. He exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

EPISODE 2: RED LIQUID

Today, on the 135th floor of an office building of a corporation that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

Nerwin is supposed to be working on a project now, but he is instead thinking about Jenna, an attractive female employee of the corporation. Nerwin has been infatuated with Jenna for quite some time. Nerwin very recently received some distressing news about Jenna: that she had become intimately involved with a sleazy male co-worker named Thad.

Thad’s work station is the cubicle next to Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but is more physically attractive than Nerwin. Thad is currently intimately involved with multiple attractive women at the company, including but not limited to Jenna and the company’s owner and president, Gloria.

Nerwin does not like Thad, but Thad is completely oblivious to that dislike. And, for some reason, Thad frequently confides in Nerwin and provides Nerwin with updates as to Thad’s intimate encounters with women.

Most of the women at the company who Thad is intimately involved with are unaware that Thad is involved with multiple women at the company. Because of the massive size of the company, most of those women don’t even know each other. Many of those women think that they are the only one Thad is intimately involved with.

An attractive female co-worker named Abigail enters Nerwin’s cubicle. She is holding a large paper cup containing red liquid. She looks furious. “Where is he?” Abigail says. “Where’s Thad?”

“In his cubicle, I guess,” Nerwin says.

“I already checked there, you idiot,” Abigail says. “He’s not there! Tell me where he is!”

“I don’t know,” Nerwin says.

“Of course you do!” Abigail says. “You’re his cohort, aren’t you? I always see him here talking with you! You help him carry on all his office hook-ups, don’t you? Covering for him, making sure the women don’t find out about each other!”

“No, that’s really not the case at all,” Nerwin says, increasingly nervous in response to Abigail’s increasingly red, rage-filled face.

“Don’t lie to me!” Abigail says. “I know all about your type! Well you can tell your cohort Thad that I found out that he’s been cheating on me! And you can tell him that he and I are finished! And you can also tell him this!” Abigail dumps the red liquid on Nerwin’s head, then storms away.

A few minutes later, Thad enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad has lipstick on his neck. “My meeting with Gloria just ended,” Thad says. “She was particularly voracious today.” Thad notices the massive red stain on Nerwin’s shirt. “What happened to your shirt?” Thad says.

“Abigail stopped by,” Nerwin says. “She was looking for you and she was angry. She dumped a red beverage on me. She knows you’re involved with other women at the company.”

“That’s okay,” Thad says. “I’ll smooth things over with her.”

“I’m sure you will,” Nerwin says bitterly.

“What’s wrong?” Thad says.

“It seems like every time one of your workplace flings finds out about your infidelity, I end up suffering for it instead of you,” Nerwin says. “This time, it was a red beverage dumped on me. Last time, I got punched in the face. The time before that, the woman bit me. And the time before that-”

“I know, I know,” Thad says. “You don’t need to remind me. But listen, I feel bad about all the terrible stuff that’s happened to you because of me. But I’ll make it up to you: tomorrow, I’ll buy you lunch. Well, I’d better go smooth things over with Abigail. See you later!” Thad exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

EPISODE 3: INFATUATION

Today, on the 135th floor of an office building of a corporation that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

Nerwin is supposed to be working on a project now, but he is instead thinking about Jenna, an attractive female employee of the corporation. Nerwin has been infatuated with Jenna for quite some time. Nerwin very recently received some distressing news about Jenna: that she had become intimately involved with a sleazy male co-worker named Thad.

Nerwin is still very upset by this news. He didn’t think Jenna was the type of woman who would get involved with someone like Thad. Nerwin thought Jenna was different.

But now Nerwin is thinking that perhaps this news about Jenna is for the best; that perhaps this development will eradicate the hopeless infatuation he has with her. And it truly is a hopeless infatuation: Jenna, who has known Nerwin for years and has work-related interactions with him nearly every day, is barely aware of Nerwin’s existence. In fact, she thinks Nerwin’s name is Derwin.

Nerwin is now realizing the absurdity of being infatuated with a woman who can’t even remember his name. And with that, Nerwin is free of his infatuation with Jenna.

A few minutes later, an attractive female co-worker who Nerwin has never seen before enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Nerwin is overwhelmed by so much about her: her brown eyes; her dark hair; her shapely body; the conservative-but-nevertheless-revealing dress she is wearing.

“Hello,” she says. “I’m Maria. I’m new here.” She extends her hand.

“Hello,” Nerwin says, shaking Maria’s hand. “I’m Nerwin.”

He lets go of Maria’s hand, even though he’d like to hold it forever.

“Do you have any pens?” Maria says. “I don’t have any in my cubicle.”

Nerwin gives Maria all of his pens.

“Thanks, Kerwin!” Maria says. She exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

And with that, Nerwin is once again doomed.

EPISODE 4: ALCOHOL

Tonight, in a monstrously oversized ballroom, a company’s holiday party is occurring. The company is a very large, very successful corporation that manufactures and sells honey products. Most of the company’s employees are attending the party.

Loud dance music is being played in the ballroom. Many of the party’s guests are dancing.

At the moment, the honey corporation’s owner and president, a beautiful woman named Gloria, is dancing suggestively with a handsome male employee named Thad. Thad has been intimately involved with Gloria for some time now. He has also been having intimate encounters with various other attractive women who work for the company. Tonight though, he will be leaving the party with Gloria.

At the moment, Gloria is dancing with Thad in a way that would be considered inappropriate even if this weren’t a workplace function. It’s as if Gloria wants all the other party guests to be able to envision what the rest of her and Thad’s night will be like after they leave the party together.

Nerwin, a male employee who works in the cubicle next to Thad’s cubicle, is not dancing. He is in no mood to dance. Instead, he is standing in a corner of the ballroom and drinking an alcoholic beverage and bitterly watching Thad, who currently has both Gloria’s arms and Gloria’s legs wrapped around him.

Nerwin thinks: why couldn’t Gloria be enough for him?; why did he have to get involved with Jenna too?; and why does he have to be interested in Maria?

Jenna is a female employee who Nerwin had a crush on. Thad has become intimately involved with her. Maria is a female employee who Nerwin currently has a crush on. Thad has expressed interest in getting involved with her too. Nerwin recently overheard several flirtatious conversations between Thad and Maria. It seems like it’s only a matter of time before something happens between them.

So Nerwin is bitter and trying to drown his bitterness with alcohol. He doesn’t even remember what compelled him to attend this horrible party.

Nerwin sees Maria standing on the other side of the room. She is looking very beautiful tonight. At the moment, Maria is talking with a woman who Nerwin finds very unattractive. The woman’s name is Blerva. Blerva is one of the corporation’s vice presidents.

Nerwin, who is very drunk, is feeling quite bold thanks to the alcohol. He spontaneously decides that he’s going to walk over to the other side of the room and profess his desire for Maria to Maria. He thinks: what have I got to lose?

So, fueled by alcohol, Nerwin begins walking over to the other side of the room, to Maria.

The next morning, Nerwin wakes up on a bed, in a bedroom he doesn’t recognize. He has a terrible headache and can’t remember anything that occurred after he started walking over to Maria last night.

Nerwin senses that someone is sleeping next to him on the bed. For a millisecond, he thinks: could it be Maria?

Then he turns his head and sees that the person sleeping next to him is Blerva.

Nerwin wants to scream, but he is afraid to do anything that might awaken her.

EPISODE 5: A SACRIFICE FOR MARIA

At the moment, a man named Nerwin and a woman named Blerva are in a hotel room. Blerva and Nerwin work for the same company. Nerwin is a low-level employee at the company. Blerva is one of the company’s vice presidents.

Nerwin and Blerva have been intimately involved for a few days now. Nerwin does not find Blerva attractive at all. He is only involved with her because of a drunken mishap at the company’s recent holiday party. Nerwin wants to end his intimate relationship with Blerva, but has not yet been able to work up the courage to do so, knowing that Blerva has the power to end his employment with the company.

However, today, Nerwin is determined to end things between him and Blerva, having decided that he’d rather risk losing his job than continue being with Blerva.

As Nerwin is about to gently break up with Blerva, Blerva says: “I can’t wait to get back to work. It’s going to be a fun afternoon.”

“Why’s that?” Nerwin says.

“I’m going to fire three employees this afternoon,” Blerva says. “And one of those employees is going to be Maria.”

Nerwin gulps. “Maria?” he says. “Why are you going to fire her?”

“She reminds me of a girl who was rude to me in college,” Blerva says. “Physically, not personality-wise.”

“Can you do me… a favor?” Nerwin says.

“I just did you a favor,” Blerva says.

“A different kind of favor,” Nerwin says. “Could you not fire Maria?”

“Why do you care whether I fire her?” Blerva says.

“I feel bad for her,” Nerwin says. “She told me she’s been going through a very rough time in her personal life. This would be a terrible time for her to lose her job.”

In truth, Maria hasn’t told Nerwin anything about her personal life. The truth is, Nerwin is madly infatuated with Maria and couldn’t bear to not see her around the office anymore, even though she is barely aware of Nerwin’s existence and thinks his name is Kerwin.

“Okay, I won’t fire Maria,” Blerva says. “I’ll do you that favor. Of course, I expect to receive a favor from you in return. A different kind of favor. If you know what I mean.”

As Nerwin proceeds to do the requested favor for Blerva, he realizes that this is the first of many such favors he will have to do for Blerva to keep Maria from getting fired; that he will not be able to end his intimate relationship with Blerva. While staring into his own version of hell, Nerwin thinks: there is no light at the end of this tunnel.

EPISODE 6: ETERNIA’S ANKLET

Today, on the 135th floor of an office building of a corporation that manufactures and sells honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is walking down a hallway, toward his cubicle, about to pass by an unoccupied office that was previously occupied by a recently fired ex-employee named Jenna. Jenna is a beautiful woman who Nerwin used to be heavily infatuated with.

Though Nerwin has since transferred his infatuation to another beautiful female employee, he can’t help but feel a sense of sadness about Jenna being gone. The idea that he will probably never get to see her shapely body again makes him very sad indeed.

As Nerwin is passing by the office that was once Jenna’s, he is surprised and annoyed to see a sleazy male co-worker named Thad in the office, rummaging through various belongings that Jenna left behind. Nerwin stops. “What are you doing in there?” Nerwin says.

Thad grins. “I’ve been given the task of cleaning out the office,” Thad says. “Discarding what can be discarded. Salvaging what can be salvaged. Etcetera.”

“How can you be so cheerful about this, Thad?” Nerwin says.

Thad shrugs. “Jenna was just some random attractive woman,” he says. “There’s plenty more like her here, many of which I’m currently involved with, as you know.” Thad winks mischievously.

“Jenna wasn’t just some random attractive woman,” Nerwin says, furious. “She was like a goddess to me! I practically worshipped the ground she walked on!”

Thad looks sympathetic. “Sorry, Nerwin,” he says. “I had no idea you felt that way about her. But if it’s any consolation, I’m fairly positive you would have never had a chance with her, even if she was still around. She used to comment to me that she wished the company would fire you and replace you with someone attractive. So her firing’s really no big loss for you.”

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” Nerwin says.

Thad shrugs. “I thought it would,” he says.

Nerwin storms away.

A few minutes later, Thad stops by Nerwin’s cubicle, where Nerwin is sitting. Thad is holding something behind his back. “I’ve got just the thing to cheer you up,” Thad says.

“What?” Nerwin says, already certain that Thad’s good intentions will cause Nerwin some form of misery.

Thad reveals the object from behind his back. He places it on Nerwin’s desk, inches away from Nerwin’s face.

Nerwin is shocked by what he sees. “Is that what I think it is?” Nerwin says.

Thad nods. “It was in the bottom desk drawer, underneath a stack of papers Jenna left behind,” he says. “I guess she forgot to take it with her.”

“Why would she keep that in her office?” Nerwin says.

“To use it during her workdays, obviously,” Thad says. “And now it’s yours to keep.”

“What?” Nerwin says. “Why would I want this?”

“You said Jenna was like a goddess to you,” Thad says. “You said you practically worshipped the ground she walked on.”

“So?” Nerwin says.

“So this is the ultimate memento of her!” Thad says. “Think about where this thing has been! It’s like a rock that fell from heaven. This is like the anklet of Eternia,” Thad says, referring to a character from a short story who is a very beautiful goddess. “And one wouldn’t throw away the anklet of Eternia, would they?”

“Well, no, but-” Nerwin says.

“Great!” Thad says. “I hope you enjoy it!” Thad walks away.

Though Nerwin knows that it would be in his best interests to remove the object from his desk as quickly as possible, he can’t help but take a moment to gaze at the object in awe, and also jealousy. He would have given anything to be granted access to where this object has been.

As Nerwin is about to throw the object away, a female co-worker named Hana is passing by and sees the object on Nerwin’s desk.

Hana is deeply offended by what she sees. “That’s so offensive, Nerwin!” Hana says. “Why would you bring that to work? Why would you keep that at your desk for people to see? I’m going to report you!”

“No, wait!” Nerwin says as Hana is storming away. “This is all a big misunderstanding! It’s not mine! This is all Thad’s fault!”

But Hana doesn’t stop. She reports Nerwin. He is suspended from work without pay for five weeks and forced to attend a misery-inducing, six-week seminar about the differences between appropriate and inappropriate workplace behaviors.

EPISODE 7: TERMINATIONS

Today, on the 135th floor of an office building of a corporation that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a sleazy man named Thad, enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but more physically attractive than Nerwin. Thad has been intimately involved with various women at the company. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is completely oblivious to that dislike.

“Did you hear the latest news?” Thad says. “Olivia terminated twenty-five employees today.”

Thad is referring to Olivia, the honey corporation’s current owner and president. Olivia recently purchased the corporation from its previous owner-slash-president Gloria.

“Who was terminated?” Nerwin says. “Anyone I know?”

“Blerva was terminated,” Thad says, referring to one of the company’s vice presidents.

Nerwin despises Blerva, and is glad to learn that she is gone. Her departure puts an end to certain burdens she’d been causing Nerwin to have.

“Oh, and Maria was also terminated,” Thad says, referring to a beautiful female co-worker who Nerwin has an unrequited infatuation with.

“Maria?!” Nerwin says. “Maria was terminated?”

“Yup, she’s gone,” Thad says. “I’m really sad about that. I never got around to seducing her. And now she’s gone forever. And to make matters worse, there’s going to be thirty-seven more terminations next week.”

“How do you know that information?” Nerwin says. “Isn’t that confidential?”

“That blond female hottie who works in the human resources department shared the information with me,” Thad says. “I’m having a secret office affair with her.”

“Yes, of course you are,” Nerwin says, annoyed.

“Well, I must be going now,” Thad says. “I’m supposed to meet that human resources hottie now for another intimate encounter.”

“You don’t know her name, do you?” Nerwin says.

Thad chuckles. “See you later!” he says cheerfully, as if he’s already forgotten all about Maria. He exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

“Maria…” Nerwin says.

EPISODE 8: A STICKY SITUATION

On the 135th floor of an office building that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a sleazy man named Thad, enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but more physically attractive than Nerwin. Thad has been intimately involved with various women at the company. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is completely oblivious to that dislike.

“Nerwin, I need your help,” Thad says, looking quite distressed.

“What’s the problem?” Nerwin says, secretly pleased that something is causing Thad distress.

“It’s Olivia,” Thad says, referring to Olivia, a woman who is the new owner and president of the honey corporation. Olivia recently purchased the corporation from its previous owner-slash-president, a woman named Gloria. “Olivia’s been trying to meet with me in person,” Thad says. “Since she started here, I’ve successfully avoided her. She’s been emailing me, trying to schedule a meeting with me, and I’ve been postponing that meeting, citing various made-up excuses. And any time I’ve heard the distinct sound of her footsteps on this floor, I’ve hidden under my desk so she can’t find me. But she just sent me an email telling me that if I don’t meet her in her office within the next twenty minutes, she’s going to terminate me!”

“So what’s the problem?” Nerwin says.

“The problem is, Olivia wants to do more than just meet with me,” Thad says. “She’s Gloria’s best friend and knows all about the ‘special relationship’ I had with Gloria when Gloria was still in charge of the corporation.”

“By ‘special relationship’, I assume you’re referring to your not-so-secret office affair with Gloria,” Nerwin says.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m referring to,” Thad says. “Olivia knows all about it. And I’ve heard rumors that Olivia intends to have the same kind of ‘special relationship’ with me now that she’s in charge. But I don’t want to have an office affair with Olivia! I’ve seen pictures of her. She’s not like Gloria at all! Gloria was thin and shapely and sexy. But Olivia is fat. So very, very fat.”

“So just tell Olivia you’re not interested in having an office affair with her,” Nerwin says.

“I can’t do that!” Thad says. “She would terminate me, and then I would no longer be able to have my office affairs with all the yummy female hotties who work here. And I would be unemployed. You’ve got to help me, Nerwin.”

“How?” Nerwin says, even though he has no interest in helping Thad, and would very much like Thad to suffer, via job loss or via Olivia’s fat body.

“I need you to meet with Olivia and deceive her into thinking you’re me,” Thad says.

“What?” Nerwin says. “Are you crazy?”

“It’s the perfect plan!” Thad says.

“It’s an incredibly stupid plan!” Nerwin says.

“Olivia has never see a picture of me,” Thad says. “If you go to her office and tell her you’re me, she would have no reason to think you’re lying.”

“This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,” Nerwin says. “And it’s completely irrelevant anyway, as I have no desire whatsoever to help you avoid Olivia. I want to see you get terminated.”

Thad looks genuinely hurt. “I know you don’t really mean that, Nerwin,” he says. “But if it’s more incentive you need, I’ll give it to you: I’ll offer you something in exchange for your services.

Nerwin rolls his eyes. “What could you possibly offer me that would actually convince me to make Olivia think that I’m you?” he says.

“I won’t seduce Stephanie,” Thad says, referring to Stephanie, a cute, blond, single, female employee that recently started with the corporation. “You know Stephanie, right? The cute, blond, single, female employee that recently started with the corporation?”

Nerwin gulps. He has been heavily infatuated with Stephanie since meeting her two days ago. “Yes,” he says. “I know Stephanie.”

“Yes, and I’m sure you’re already heavily infatuated with her, right?” Thad says.

“Right,” Nerwin says, feeling defeated.

“Well, if you agree to do this thing with Olivia for me, I promise I’ll never, ever seduce Stephanie,” Thad says.

“This would be a ridiculous, pointless deception,” Nerwin says, trying to find a way out of this. “Olivia would eventually find out that I’m not you.”

“No, she won’t,” Thad says. “As long as you go to her office whenever she summons me, the ruse will work splendidly.”

Nerwin sighs. “You really won’t seduce Stephanie?” he says. “Ever?”

“I promise,” Thad says. “Now get upstairs to Olivia’s office, Nerwin. Olivia won’t wait much longer.”

Sadly, Nerwin gets up and travels up to the building’s 567th floor, where Olivia’s office is located. He enters the office. Olivia is there and she is wearing only leopard-colored lingerie, much to Nerwin’s dismay.

“You must be Thad,” Olivia says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says, keeping Stephanie in mind. “I’m Thad.”

Olivia and Nerwin begin walking toward each other. As Nerwin begins his office affair with Olivia, he wonders if things could get any worse for him.

Back on the 135th floor, Thad and Stephanie are in a closet, carrying on their secret office affair, which started yesterday.

“I love you, Thad,” Stephanie says. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you,” Thad says, lying. “Listen, I need you to do me a favor: make sure Nerwin never finds out about us. It would devastate him.”

“Who’s Nerwin?” Stephanie says.

“My friend,” Thad says.

EPISODE 9: TWIN SOLUTION

On the 135th floor of a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a handsome, sleazy man named Thad, stops by Nerwin’s cubicle.

“I have great news,” Thad says.

“What is it?” Nerwin says, annoyed at Thad’s ongoing obliviousness to Nerwin’s dislike of him.

“Remember that female hottie who rejected me a few weeks ago?” Thad days. “Leslie? The secretary on the 202nd floor?”

“Yes, I remember,” Nerwin says.

“She called me a sleazy womanizer,” Thad says. “And she also told me, and I quote: ‘Thad, you will never, ever get to see me naked.’ Well the joke is on her! I recently found out that Leslie has a virtually identical twin sister who works here as a secretary on the 407th floor. I seduced the twin sister yesterday. So I ended up getting to have the ‘Leslie experience’ after all! Leslie was so angry when she found out!”

“I really need to get back to work, Thad,” Nerwin says.

“Okay, I’ll see you later, buddy!” Thad days.

Thad exits Nerwin’s cubicle. He returns later that day to share another successful female conquest story with Nerwin, much to Nerwin’s dismay. Later, Nerwin, and only Nerwin, is called into his and Thad’s direct supervisor’s office to be reprimanded for having inappropriately long, non-work-related conversations in the workplace.

EPISODE 10: RUMORS

On the 135th floor of a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a sleazy, handsome man named Thad, enters Nerwin’s cubicle.

“Did you hear the latest rumor?” Thad says.

“No,” Nerwin says.

“The rumor is that two of the female secretaries on this floor are going to be terminated later today,” Thad says.

“Which two?” Nerwin says.

“Rachel and Courtney,” Thad says.

Nerwin nods, taking in this information. Rachel and Courtney are both very beautiful, blond women. Nerwin has always secretly lusted for them, even though both Rachel and Courtney never acknowledge his existence except when their jobs require them to do so. Nerwin wonders if Thad has ever had intimate encounters with Rachel or Courtney. Thad has had intimate encounters with many of the beautiful women who work at this honey corporation. For that reason, Nerwin is very jealous of Thad, who always seems to get what he wants and never what he deserves.

“Why would Rachel and Courtney be getting terminated?” Nerwin says.

“Apparently, Olivia wants to get rid of them,” Thad says, referring to Olivia, a fat woman who is the owner and president of the honey corporation. “According to the rumor I heard, Olivia is conducting another round of massive terminations, and she plans to terminate two employees from each floor… and Rachel and Courtney were selected for our floor.”

“That’s… too bad,” Nerwin says. “Thad, did you ever have intimate encounters with Rachel or Courtney?”

“No,” Thad says. “They both rejected me! Me! The most attractive man in the entire building! So as far as I’m concerned, good riddance to the both of them. I’ll enjoy watching them walk their shapely bodies out of this building for the final time when they’re terminated later today.”

“Thad, how can you be so cruel?” Nerwin says.

Thad shrugs. “If they don’t want to be with me, then they’re of no use to me,” he says. “So good riddance to them. Well, I must be going now. See you later, buddy!”

Thad exits Nerwin’s cubicle. Nerwin despises Thad, and wishes Thad wasn’t so oblivious to Nerwin’s hatred of Thad. From Thad’s perspective, they are good friends.

A few minutes later, Nerwin gets up and exits his cubicle and begins walking toward the elevator doors. On his way there, he sees Stephanie, a beautiful female co-worker who he is secretly infatuated with.

“Hello, Stephanie,” Nerwin says.

“Hello, Michael,” Stephanie says.

Nerwin’s female co-workers get his name wrong on a regular basis. He usually doesn’t bother to correct them when it happens.

On his way to the elevator doors, Nerwin also sees the two beautiful, blond female secretaries, Rachel and Courtney. They are conversing with each other and both look very distraught. They are undoubtably discussing the rumor that they will be terminated by Olivia later today.

One of the secretaries, Rachel, sees Nerwin looking at her. She stares at him with an expression of icy contempt, as if he is somehow directly and singlehandedly responsible for her impending termination.

Nerwin gets on one of the elevators and rides it up to the building’s highest floor. On that floor, he goes to Olivia’s office. The door to the office is open and Olivia is in there, sitting at her zebra-colored desk. At the moment, she is eating from a jar of honey on her desk.

She stops eating when she sees Nerwin standing by the doorway. “Hello, Thad!” Olivia says, pleased to see Nerwin. “Please, come in!”

Nerwin enters Olivia’s office. “I hope I’m not interrupting you,” Nerwin says.

“Not at all, Thad,” Olivia says cheerfully.

For as long as Olivia has known Nerwin, she has thought his name was Thad. Nerwin has never corrected her about this.

Olivia dips one of her fat fingers into the jar of honey, then holds her honey-soaked finger toward Nerwin. “Would you like some honey?” Olivia says.

Nerwin has no desire to taste Olivia’s honey-soaked finger, but he also does not want to offend her, so he walks over to her and leans down toward her finger. She sticks her finger into his mouth and leaves it in there for a very long time. Honey has never tasted this bad to Nerwin before.

After taking her finger out of Nerwin’s mouth, Olivia says: “So what brings you here today, Thad?”

“I want to talk to you about a crazy rumor that’s going around,” Nerwin says.

“I love rumors,” Olivia says. She licks her lips.

“The rumor is that you intend to terminate two employees from every floor today,” Nerwin says.

“Yes, that’s completely true,” Olivia says cheerfully.

“Why are you doing this?” Nerwin says.

“For fun,” Olivia says. “I enjoy terminating employees. It brings me great pleasure.”

“Can’t you… find pleasure elsewhere?” Nerwin says. “There must be other things you could do for fun instead of damaging your employees’ lives.”

“I suppose,” Olivia says.

“I would really, really appreciate it if you canceled your plan to terminate all those employees,” Nerwin says.

Olivia smiles sinisterly. “Okay, Thad,” she says. “I’ll do you that favor. I won’t terminate all those employees. But that favor doesn’t come without a price. I expect a favor from you in return. A favor I expect to receive from you right now. Close the door.”

Nerwin gulps, then closes the door of Olivia’s office.

Later, Nerwin is back in his cubicle on the 135th floor. He is toiling away on a boring project and trying very, very hard to forget his meeting with Olivia earlier today. Unfortunately for Nerwin, there are some incidents that can not be forgotten.

Thad stops by Nerwin’s cubicle. “Did you hear the latest rumor?” Thad says.

“No,” Nerwin says.

“The rumor is that I somehow convinced Olivia to cancel her plan to terminate all those employees today,” Thad says. “So many co-workers have been coming up to me and telling me how grateful they are to me. Rachel and Courtney invited me to meet them at Courtney’s apartment after work today. They said they want to reward me for my good deed. What a strange, wonderful turn of events! Well, I must get ready for my intimate encounter with Rachel and Courtney. See you later, buddy!”

Thad exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

Nerwin wants to cry.

EPISODE 11: QUEEN BEE DELILA

During an afternoon, on the 135th floor of a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a miserable office employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle and toiling away on a boring project.

A sleazy, handsome co-worker named Thad enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but is better-looking and more successful with women. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is oblivious to that dislike.

“Hey, buddy!” Thad says. “Did you hear the news: Olivia is gone!”

Olivia was the corporation’s president and owner.

“Olivia is gone?” Nerwin says.

“Yes,” Thad says. “She sold the corporation and resigned as president.”

“That’s great!” Nerwin says, elated. Olivia’s presence in the corporation had been a horrible experience for Nerwin, and he hopes to never see her again.

“Apparently, Olivia sold the corporation to a woman named Delila,” Thad days. “She supposedly is in the building and is going around introducing herself to everyone this week. Hopefully she’s a hottie.”

He exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

A few minutes later, a beautiful dark-haired woman stops by Nerwin’s cubicle. Nerwin instantly becomes infatuated with her.

“Hello,” the woman says. “My name is Delila. I’m the new owner and president of the corporation.”

“Hello,” Nerwin says. “I’m Nerwin.”

Before they can converse any further, Thad suddenly returns and enters Nerwin’s cubicle.

Delila is visibly stunned by Thad’s physical attractiveness. “Oh my,” she says. “Who are you?”

“I’m Thad,” Thad says.

“I’m Delila,” Delila says nervously. “I’m the new owner and president of the corporation.”

Thad takes one of Delila’s hands and kisses it. “It’s an honor to meet you, Delila,” Thad says.

Delila looks as if she would pay money for Thad to kiss her hand all day long.

“Well it was nice to meet you both,” Delila says, looking at Thad only. “Perhaps we’ll see each other again soon. Bye, Thad. Bye, Merwin.”

Delila walks away, looking back at Thad repeatedly.

After she is gone, Thad says to Nerwin: “Well, looks like I have job security.”

Nerwin now hates Thad more than ever before.

EPISODE 12: FORMS

During an afternoon, on the 201st floor of a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level male office employee named Nerwin gets off an elevator and goes to the cubicle of a very tall, voluptuous female co-worker named Milana. Milana works in the payroll department.

Milana is sitting at her desk. On her desk is a jar of honey. Most of the employees’ desks have jars of honey on them. The corporation supplies its employees with free honey.

“Hello,” Nerwin says. “My name is Nerwin. I work on the 135th floor. I’m here to submit my overtime payment application for this pay period.”

He hands Milana a completed form that he brought with him.

Milana looks at the form.

“I can’t process your application,” she says. “This isn’t the correct form.”

“What?!” Nerwin says. “It has to be the correct form. I know it’s the correct form! Form 237237-A, correct?”

“Yes, this a Form 237237-A,” Milana says. “But the corporation discontinued the use of Form 237237-A one hour ago. There’s a new form you’re supposed to fill out instead: Form 237237-A.1.”

Milana hands Nerwin a Form 237237-A.1.

Nerwin looks at the form.

“Can’t you make an exception?” he says. “It took me five hours to fill out Form 237237-A. And it’ll take me another five hours to fill out Form 237237-A.1. And by the time I’ve finished, the submission deadline will have passed!”

“I normally don’t make exceptions,” Milana says. “But I might make an exception for you… if you do something for me.”

“What is it you want me to do?” Nerwin says.

“You mentioned that you work on the 135th floor,” Milana says. “Do you know a co-worker named Thad?”

Nerwin cringes internally. Thad is a co-worker who also works on the floor that Nerwin works on. Thad is a sleazy, handsome man who has had office affairs with many of the attractive women who work at this honey corporation. Nerwin dislikes Thad, though Thad seems to be oblivious to that dislike.

“Yes, I know Thad,” Nerwin says.

“I think he’s super-sexy,” Milana says. She licks her lips, as if to illustrate her statement. She says: “I want him in me. Can you make that happen?”

“Yes, that can be arranged,” Nerwin says, certain that Thad wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to have an intimate encounter with a hottie like Milana. “So you’ll process my overtime payment application?”

“Yes, I’ll do that right now,” Milana says. “You promise you’ll come through with your end of the bargain?”

“I promise,” Nerwin says.

A few minutes later, Nerwin returns to the 135th floor. He stops by Thad’s cubicle. Thad is sitting at his desk, playing a video game on his computer.

“Hi Thad,” Nerwin says.

“Hi, Nerwin!” Thad says.

“I have some good news for you: on the 201st floor, there’s a female hottie who wants you in her,” Nerwin says.

“Really?” Thad says.

“Really,” Nerwin says, annoyed to be helping Thad get carnal intercourse. “Her name is Milana. She works in cubicle 852-F. So you should probably go take care of that.”

“Will do,” Thad says. “Thanks for sharing this information with me, Nerwin. You’re a good friend.”

Thad gets up and exits his cubicle, heading to the elevator.

Later, while Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle, Thad stops by Nerwin’s cubicle.

“You could have warned me,” Thad says.

“Warned you about what?” Nerwin says.

“Milana,” Thad says. “You didn’t tell me how tall she is.”

“That’s a problem?” Nerwin says.

“Of course it’s a problem!” Thad says. “I’m not into women who are so much taller than me.”

“What are you talking about?” Nerwin says. “You’ve had office affairs with plenty of women who are taller than you.”

“None as tall as Milana,” Thad says.

“So you didn’t have carnal intercourse with her?” Nerwin says.

“No, of course not,” Thad says. “As soon as I saw how tall she is, I turned around and got away from her as quickly as possible. Well anyway, I have to go meet with Delila now. See you later.”

Thad exits Nerwin’s cubicle.

A few minutes later, while Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle, Milana stops by Nerwin’s cubicle. She is holding a jar of honey. She looks furious.

“Milana, I’m sorry,” Nerwin says. “I-”

“I have never been so humiliated before in my life,” Milana says. “You are going to pay for this, Nerwin. From this day forward, I am going to make your life a living hell.”

Milana begins pouring the jar of honey onto Nerwin’s head.

Nerwin hates his life.

EPISODE 13: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 1

During an afternoon, in a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, all of the corporation’s employees are sent an email from the president and owner of the corporation, a beautiful woman named Delila. The email is an announcement of the corporation’s upcoming first annual multi-day employee retreat, which is to occur on a resort island.

On one of the building’s many floors, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring office project. Upon receiving the email, he opens and reads it. He immediately responds to the email confirming his attendance at the retreat, secretly excited at the idea that there is a very strong possibility that he might get to glimpse Delila in a bikini at some point during the retreat.

A few minutes later, a very tall woman named Milana enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Milana hates Nerwin and has been subjecting him to all kinds of misery since he unintentionally caused her great embarrassment a few weeks ago.

She grabs Nerwin by his tie and begins to tighten it, causing him great discomfort.

She says: “Listen, Nerwin: I’m going on that company retreat and I want to use the time to relax and forget all about the embarrassment you caused me. And I don’t want to be reminded of what happened while I’m there… and you’re the biggest reminder of them all! Which means you can’t be there!”

“What?!” Nerwin says.

“You heard me: I’m forbidding you from going on that retreat!” Milana says.

“You can’t do that!” Nerwin says.

“If I so much as see you while I’m on that retreat, I will subject you to a world of suffering!” Milana says. “Do you understand?”

Nerwin gulps.

“Okay, fine,” he says, feeling defeated. “I won’t go.”

“Good, I’m glad we’re in agreement,” Milana says.

She then picks up a nearby jar of honey and pours it onto Nerwin’s head.

In Nerwin’s mind, a bikini-clad Delila sadly waves goodbye and fades away.

EPISODE 14: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 2

During an afternoon, in a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle and toiling away on a boring project.

Nerwin receives an email from the corporation’s owner and president, a beautiful woman named Delila. Nerwin opens and reads the email. In the email, Delila is asking Nerwin to meet her in her office.

Nerwin is confused and surprised and delighted by this email from Delila. He doesn’t know why she would ever need to meet with him about anything, but he finds her quite visually pleasing and looks forward to any opportunity to spend time in her lovely presence.

A few minutes later, Nerwin enters Delila’s office. Delila is sitting at her desk.

“Hello, Nerwin,” Delila says.

“Hello, Delila,” Nerwin says. “You wanted to see me?”

“Yes,” Delila says. “Please sit down.”

Nerwin sits down across from Delila.

“There’s something I need to share with you,” Delila says.

“There is?” Nerwin says.

“Yes,” Delila says. “I’m madly attracted to someone who works here: Thad.”

“Oh,” Nerwin says, annoyed.

Thad is a sleazy, handsome, male co-worker who Nerwin is acquainted with. Nerwin dislikes Thad, though Thad is oblivious to that dislike. Thad is having office affairs with numerous attractive female co-workers. Nerwin is very envious of Thad.

“Yes, I think Thad is mega-sexy,” Delila says. “A total man-muffin.”

“Oh,” Nerwin says, still annoyed.

“You’re friends with Thad, aren’t you?” Delila says, hopeful.

“Yes, I think of Thad as a friend,” Nerwin says, lying.

“Just the very thought of Thad makes me so very, very…” Delila says. “But for some reason, he doesn’t seem to be interested in me.”

“Really?” Nerwin says. “You mean you and he haven’t…?”

“No,” Delila says sadly. “And it’s not due to a lack of effort on my part. Ever since I met him, I’ve made many efforts to make it clear to him that my legs are open for his business. I’ve given him every womanly sign I can think of. I keep summoning him to my office for ‘business meetings’, but those meetings never end up going anywhere. I don’t get it. Why isn’t he interested in me? Am I ugly?”

“No, you’re not ugly, Delila,” Nerwin says. “You’re very, very beautiful.”

“Then why won’t he follinuck me?” Delila says, annoyed.

“I don’t know,” Nerwin says, genuinely unsure as to why Thad would not want to have carnal intercourse with Delila.

“Could you help me?” Delila says. “You’re his friend. Maybe you could find out what the issue is and change his mind. I would be so grateful, Nerwin. So very, very grateful.”

“I don’t know if I can help you, Delila,” Nerwin says. “I’m not really sure if there’s anything I can do. Maybe you should just forget about Thad.”

“I would if I could,” Delila says. “But I can’t. Just see if you can change his mind, will you? We have the multi-day employee retreat coming up. I’m hoping to finally successfully seduce Thad while we’re there. Please, Nerwin. Please help me.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Nerwin says, unable to resist Delila’s pretty pleading face.

“Thanks, Nerwin,” Delila says. “You’re a good friend.”

Nerwin gets up and exits Delila’s office, wishing that either he or Thad never existed.

EPISODE 15: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 3

During an afternoon, in a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle and toiling away on a boring project.

A sleazy, handsome, male co-worker named Thad enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Nerwin dislikes Thad, though Thad is oblivious to that dislike. Thad is having office affairs with numerous attractive female co-workers. Nerwin is very envious of Thad.

“Hi, Nerwin!” Thad says.

“Hi, Thad,” Nerwin says.

“So the multi-day employee retreat starts tomorrow,” Thad says.

“I know,” Nerwin says.

“I’m really looking forward to it,” Thad says. “Are you?”

“I’m not going,” Nerwin says.

“What?!” Thad says. “Why not?”

“Milana is going to be there,” Nerwin says.

“So?” Thad says.

“So, because of you, she despises me, and she told me that if she sees me at the retreat, she’s going to subject me to a world of suffering,” Nerwin says.

“I’m sure she was just exaggerating,” Thad says. “You have to come to the retreat!”

“What do you care whether I go?” Nerwin says.

“I need you there,” Thad says. “All of the female co-workers I’m currently having office affairs with will be there, and I’m going to need your help in carrying on my affairs and keeping them from finding out that I’m cheating on them with each other. And I need you to keep Delila distracted as well.”

Delila is the corporation’s owner and president. She is a very beautiful woman. Nerwin is very infatuated with her. She is madly infatuated with Thad.

“What’s going on between you and Delila?” Nerwin says. “You’re not having an office affair with her as well?”

“No,” Thad says. “I was planning on doing that, but then I saw this video on the internet that really inspired me to think differently. The video was of a dog and its owner. In the video, the owner was holding a tasty treat above the dog, out of its reach. And the dog was salivating and desperately trying to reach the treat. And then the owner started commanding the dog to do different tricks, like rolling over and barking. And the dog desperately did every single trick it was asked to do, as if it believed that it would get the treat if it did whatever the owner commanded. The owner eventually gave the dog the treat, but if he didn’t, the dog would’ve kept on doing whatever it could to please its owner. I realized that I could have the same type of relationship with Delila, and get so much more out of her that way.”

After staring at Thad for several seconds, Nerwin says: “Let me see if I understand this correctly: in this analogy, Delila is a dog, and you’re the dog’s owner?”

“And I’m also the tasty treat being kept out of her reach forever,” Thad says.

“You’re a horrible person,” Nerwin says.

Thad laughs, as if he thinks Nerwin is joking.

Delila enters Nerwin’s cubicle. She is carrying a plate with a slice of cream pie on it.

“What’s so funny?” she says cheerfully.

“Oh, we were just talking about a stupid, ridiculous woman,” Thad says cheerfully. He winks at Nerwin mischievously.

“Oh, do I know her?” Delila says.

“Maybe,” Thad says. “Where’d you get the slice of cream pie?”

“I made the cream pie and brought it in from home,” Delila says. “I was just heading to your cubicle to bring you this slice.”

“That looks really delicious,” Thad says.

“It is delicious,” Delila says. “It’s really tasty.”

“It looks tasty,” Thad says.

She sticks her finger into the pie and then holds her cream-covered finger out to Thad.

“Have a taste,” Delila says.

Thad begins licking Delila’s finger, while Nerwin watches miserably.

“It’s so tasty,” Thad says.

“So tasty,” Delila says.

“So very tasty,” Thad says.

“Oh yeah,” Delila says. “Really tasty.”

She then says to Thad: “I’ll leave the rest of this slice in your cubicle. And if you want more later, the rest of the pie is in my office. Come to my office later if you want to taste my pie.”

She winks at him. Thad winks back at her.

Delila exits the cubicle and walks away.

Thad turns back to Nerwin and says: “See what I mean? She would never have made me a cream pie if I’d had carnal intercourse with her.”

“I really have to get back to work now, Thad,” Nerwin says.

“Fine,” Thad says. “But you’re coming to the retreat, right?”

“I told you already that I’m not,” Nerwin says. “I want to avoid Milana’s wrath. So I’m not going.”

“Okay,” Thad says. “Well, some of us are going out tonight after work to the tavern across the street to have some drinks together. Do you want to come?”

Softening, Nerwin says: “Okay, sure.”

“Great!” Thad says.

The next day, Nerwin wakes up in a strange room. He does not know where he is. The room appears to be some type of closet. The last thing he remembers is drinking an alcoholic beverage that Thad bought for him in the tavern last night.

Nerwin exits the room. He is now standing on the deck of a gigantic cruise ship. The ship is in an ocean, traveling somewhere. There is no land anywhere in sight. On the ship are many, many people. Nerwin recognizes many of them: co-workers at the corporation. They are all standing around, relaxing and socializing.

Nerwin sees Thad coming toward him.

“Hey, buddy!” Thad says. “You’re finally awake!”

“Where am I?” Nerwin says. “What did you do to me?”

Thad says cheerfully: “You’re on the cruise ship that’s taking all of us to the resort island where the multi-day employee retreat is to occur. I put a sedative in that drink I gave you last night and then smuggled you onto the cruise ship while you were unconscious. I figured it would be easier to do that than spending the whole evening trying to convince you to come to the retreat.”

“You drugged me?!” Nerwin says.

“Oh, don’t be so outraged,” Thad says. “I did you a favor. You’re going to have a great time on this retreat.”

“I don’t even have any luggage!” Nerwin says. “What am I supposed to do, wear the clothes I have on every single day?”

“Oh, you’ll figure something out,” Thad says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to manage of my office affairs… if you know what I mean.” He winks at Nerwin mischievously, then walks over to a beautiful female co-worker. He then turns back to Nerwin and says incorrectly: “Trust me, you’re going to have a great time on this retreat!”

Suddenly, Nerwin feels someone tapping him on the shoulder roughly. He gulps, somehow already knowing that it’s Milana. He turns around and looks up at her. She looks furious.

“I warned you to not come to the retreat,” she says.

Milana proceeds to subject Nerwin to misery.

EPISODE 16: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 4

On an ocean, there is a cruise ship. The ship is traveling toward a resort island in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world.

On the ship are many, many people. Many of those people are employees of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products. They are going to the resort island for their corporation’s first annual multi-day employee retreat.

On the ship’s deck, a sleazy, handsome, male employee of the corporation named Thad is laying on a beach lounge chair. A beautiful woman named Delila is sitting on a beach lounge chair next to him and is feeding Thad cherries. Delila is the honey corporation’s owner and president. She is very, very infatuated with Thad.

“Are you having a good time, Thad?” Delila says.

“Yes,” Thad says. “A great time. These cherries are really good.”

“Do you like the taste of cherries?” Delila says.

“I love the taste of cherries,” Thad says.

“I’m wearing a cherry-flavored lipstick,” Delila says.

“So?” Thad says.

“So… maybe… if you like the taste of cherries… you would like to-” Delila says.

“Who are all those bodybuilders?” Thad says, nodding at a group of very muscular men and very muscular women elsewhere on the deck.

“They’re bodybuilders,” Delila says. “They’re a professional bodybuilding team. They’re also going to the resort island for an employee retreat.”

Thad notices that one of the male bodybuilders is applying sun cream to the backside of one of the honey corporation’s female employees, a woman named Milana. Milana looks like she is very much enjoying having the bodybuilder’s hands on her body.

“I wonder where Nerwin is,” Thad says.

Nerwin is a low-level male employee of the honey corporation. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is oblivious to that dislike.

Below the ship’s deck, in the ship’s workout room, a very muscular brunette woman named Victoria is lifting weights. Victoria is a member of the bodybuilder team.

Victoria stops lifting weights when she hears noise coming from a very large garbage can that is nearby. She notices that the lid on top of the garbage can is very thoroughly taped onto it. Victoria removes all the tape and then removes the lid. Inside the garbage can is Nerwin. He is covered in some type of foul-smelling slime.

Nerwin looks up at the very muscular woman who is looking down at him with great interest. He instantly finds the woman repulsive. All of her muscles are very unappealing to Nerwin.

“Who are you?” Victoria says, helping him out of the garbage can.

“My name is Nerwin,” Nerwin says.

“Why were you in that garbage can?” Victoria says.

“Milana put me in there… after she covered me in slime,” Nerwin says.

“Who’s Milana?” Victoria says.

“She’s an evil woman… and a co-worker of mine,” Nerwin says. “She hates me.”

“Are you an employee of that honey corporation that’s going to the resort island for a retreat?” Victoria says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says.

“I’m also part of a group that’s going there for a retreat,” Victoria says. “What room on the ship are you staying in?”

“I don’t know,” Nerwin says. “Milana got me before I even had a chance to find out such information.”

“Well, you need to get all this slime off you as soon as possible,” Victoria says. “You can take a shower in my room. I’ll take you there now.”

“That’s so kind of you,” Nerwin says, trying to avoid the sight of Victoria’s sweaty muscles.

“Think nothing of it,” Victoria says. “My name is Victoria, by the way.”

If only she was attractive, Nerwin thinks.

Many hours later, Nerwin wakes up on the bed in the ship room that Victoria is staying in. He is without clothes and has a terrible headache. The last thing he remembers is drinking an alcoholic beverage that Victoria offered to him after he’d finished showering. He knows he made a mistake; that his body has a very low tolerance for alcohol; and that whenever he drinks alcohol, he always ends up waking up in situations he doesn’t want to be in.

Today is no exception. Victoria is also on the bed, without clothes. She is sleeping. Her large, muscular arms and large, muscular legs are wrapped around Nerwin. Her sleeping face is only inches away from Nerwin’s face.

Nerwin wishes this horrible multi-day employee retreat will be over soon. It won’t be.

EPISODE 17: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 5

On an ocean is a cruise ship. The ship is traveling to a resort island.

In one of the ship’s many guest rooms, a man named Nerwin is standing by the bed, very quietly getting dressed. A very muscular, brunette female bodybuilder named Victoria is laying on the bed, sleeping. Nerwin is trying very, very hard to not wake her.

Victoria is the guest that is staying in this room. She is a member of a professional bodybuilding team that is traveling to the resort island for a retreat.

Nerwin is a low-level employee of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products. He and his co-workers are also traveling to the resort island for a retreat.

Nerwin met Victoria on this ship. He immediately found her repulsive. Her very muscular bodybuilder body is unappealing to Nerwin.

Unfortunately for Nerwin, he made the fatal mistake of accepting an alcoholic beverage from Victoria. Nerwin rarely drinks alcoholic beverages and his body has a very low tolerance of alcohol. Whenever he drinks alcohol, he ends up waking up in a situation he doesn’t want to be in. After having that drink from Victoria, the next thing Nerwin remembers is waking up in this room many hours later, on the bed, without clothes, with Victoria’s sleeping body wrapped around his.

Nerwin spent the last two hours very slowly extracting himself from Victoria without waking her. He intends to sneak out of the room and hopefully never see Victoria again during the retreat.

Now fully-dressed, Nerwin sneaks over to the door and slowly opens it.

Much to his dismay, he sees a female co-worker named Milana walking in the hallway. Milana hates Nerwin and makes his life a living hell at every opportunity.

Instinctively, he slams the door shut before Milana can notice him. Then he realizes that the sound of the slamming door has undoubtably woken Victoria up.

“Why are you standing by the door?” Victoria says, now awake.

“Just stretching my legs,” Nerwin says.

Victoria grins. “I know a better way you could stretch your legs,” she says. Without getting out of the bed, she takes a condom out of her nearby purse. She tosses the condom at Nerwin. Compulsively, he catches it.

He gulps. He doesn’t want to go out of the room, as Milana is out there in the hallway. He proceeds to walk toward Victoria, trying to hide his disgust.

EPISODE 18: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 6

On an ocean is a cruise ship. The ship is traveling to a resort island.

Within the ship, a man named Nerwin exits one of the ship’s many guest rooms. Nerwin is an employee of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products. He and his co-workers are traveling to the resort island for the corporation’s first annual employee retreat.

Nerwin is already having a terrible time on this trip. A very tall, very cruel female co-worker named Milana, who hates Nerwin, covered him in slime and then trapped him inside a garbage can. Then later, after escaping from the garbage can, Nerwin mistakenly drank too much alcohol and, while in his severely drunken stupor, ended up having an intimate encounter with a very tall, very muscular female bodybuilder named Victoria, who he finds repulsive.

Nerwin sees a sleazy, handsome male co-worker named Thad coming down the ship’s internal hallway. Nerwin dislikes Thad, though Thad is oblivious to that dislike.

Thad comes up to Nerwin.

“Hey buddy,” Thad says. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Where have you been?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Nerwin says, the taste of Victoria still in his mouth.

“What happened to you?” Thad says. “You smell like you’re drenched in female bodybuilder sweat.”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” Nerwin says.

“Okay, fine,” Thad says. “Well I have some great news to share with you!”

“What news is that?” Nerwin says, not optimistic. “Wait, let me guess: you had carnal intercourse with Delila, the woman I’m madly, hopelessly infatuated with.”

“No, I didn’t follinuck Delila,” Thad says, referring to the honey corporation’s beautiful female owner and president, Delila. “I follinucked Milana!”

“You had carnal intercourse with Milana?!” Nerwin says.

“Yes!” Thad says.

“I thought you weren’t interested in her,” Nerwin says. “You said she was too tall.”

“Yes, that’s how I felt,” Thad says. “But then I saw Milana getting sun cream rubbed on her back by some guy who was trying to follinuck her, and it made me realize how attractive she is.”

“You’re just realizing this now?!” Nerwin says, furious.

“What are you angry about?” Thad says.

“Thad, the whole reason that Milana hates me and has been making my life a living hell is because of you!” Nerwin says. “She asked me to arrange for you to have an intimate encounter with her… and I agreed to do that in exchange for a favor from her… but after she did me the favor, you rejected her for being too tall! She was humiliated, and she blames me for the humiliation, and she’s been tormenting me as revenge ever since! If you had just follinucked her when I asked you to, none of the miserable experiences I’ve had over the past several weeks would have happened!”

“Sorry, Nerwin,” Thad says.

“Well at least Milana will stop tormenting me, now that she’s gotten what she wanted from you,” Nerwin says.

“Oh, that reminds me: Milana asked me to tell you that this doesn’t change anything between you and her; that she still hates you and she’s still going to torment you,” Thad says.

“Then why did you tell me you had great news?” Nerwin says.

“Well I guess it wasn’t great news for you, in retrospect,” Thad says. “I guess it was just great news for me… and for Milana. Oh look, there’s Milana now.”

Nerwin turns around and sees Milana coming down the hallway. She stops when she sees Nerwin.

“Nerwin,” she says menacingly.

Nerwin begins running away from Milana.

Milana grabs a nearby broomstick and begins chasing Nerwin.

“See you later, Nerwin!” Thad says cheerfully.

EPISODE 19: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 7

In an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world, there is a resort island. At a fancy hotel on the island, various people are relaxing around the hotel’s outdoor, in-ground pool. One such person is a very tall, very muscular, brunette female bodybuilder named Victoria. Victoria is laying on her stomach on a beach lounge chair, wearing half of a bikini, topless, with her eyes closed, sunning herself.

Victoria is part of a professional bodybuilding team. They are on this resort island as part of a retreat.

Kneeling beside Victoria is her new boyfriend, a man named Nerwin. Nerwin met Victoria on the boat ride to this island. Nerwin is an employee of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products. He and his co-workers are also on this resort island as part of a retreat. At the moment, Nerwin is kneeling beside Victoria and applying sun cream to her backside.

As he moves his hands across Victoria’s overly muscular, increasingly shiny body, Nerwin wonders how he is going to go about getting out of this horrible relationship. He wishes he never met Victoria, and he wishes he’d never made the drunken mistake of getting intimately involved with her, but he hasn’t yet been able to work up the courage to break up with her.

He imagines what will happen if he never breaks up with her: a continuation of the many, many miseries he’s already endured since the start of their relationship, including but not limited to: wearing a dog collar to please her; being suspended in mid-air by Victoria’s overly muscular legs; eating her edible underwear; cleaning every inch of her sweaty, post-workout body with his tongue; and applying sun cream to her overly muscular body.

The idea of having to continue enduring all that is Victoria suddenly emboldens Nerwin. He decides he must act now. He opens his mouth, about to declare to Victoria that he wants to break up with her.

Suddenly, he stops, as he sees a very tall woman named Milana entering the pool area and coming toward him. She looks furious.

Milana is one of Nerwin’s co-workers. She hates Nerwin and torments him at every opportunity.

“Nerwin,” Milana says menacingly. “I told you I don’t want to see you around, anywhere, ever! I told you you’re forbidden from leaving your hotel room for the rest of the retreat! Now you’re going to pay for disobeying me.” She grabs a nearby glass of tomato juice. “I’m going to pour this on your head,” Milana says. “And then I’m going to make you get me another glass of tomato juice, so I can pour that one on your head too!”

Victoria gets up and stands between Nerwin and Milana.

Milana is clearly intimated by Victoria.

Milana says: “Who- Who are you?”

“I’m Victoria,” Victoria says. “I’m Nerwin’s girlfriend. Nerwin belongs to me. And only I can torment him, if I wish to do so.”

To illustrate her point, Victoria grabs the glass of tomato juice from Milana and pours it on Nerwin’s head.

“Now get out of here,” Victoria says, speaking to Milana.

Milana walks away, quickly leaving the pool area.

Victoria resumes laying on her stomach on the beach lounge chair.

“Thanks… I think,” Nerwin says, wiping off the tomato juice.

“She won’t bother you anymore… as long as you’re with me,” Victoria says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says, sadly realizing that he’ll need to stay in this relationship with Victoria to avoid the wrath of Milana.

“Victoria… why did you pour the glass of tomato juice on me?” Nerwin says.

Victoria closes her eyes and says: “Less talk, more sun cream.”

Nerwin resumes applying sun cream to Victoria’s body.

EPISODE 20: HORRIBLE MULTI-DAY EMPLOYEE RETREAT – PART 8

In an exotic part of the world, there is a resort island. On this resort island is a hotel. At the moment, a man named Nerwin is walking around the outside of the hotel. Nerwin is an employee of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products. He and his co-workers are staying at the hotel on this resort island as part of the honey corporation’s annual multi-day employee retreat. Nerwin has been having a terrible time on this retreat.

Nerwin sees a beautiful woman named Delila coming toward him. Delila is the honey corporation’s owner and president. Nerwin is very infatuated with her. Unfortunately for Nerwin, Delila is infatuated with a sleazy male employee of the honey corporation named Thad.

“Hello, Delila,” Nerwin says.

“Hello, Nerwin!” Delila says. “Where have you been? This is the first time I’ve seen you since the retreat started.”

“I’ve been around,” Nerwin says. “I guess we just kept missing each other.”

“Thad told me you met a woman on this trip and are now romantically involved with her?” Delila says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says sadly. “Her name is Victoria.”

Nerwin wishes he never met Victoria.

“That’s fantastic!” Delila says. “I’m so happy for you. And I have some good news to share with you as well: I think Thad and I are very close to finally getting romantically involved with each other!”

“Really?” Nerwin says, depressed.

“Really!” Delila says. “Earlier today, we held hands for a few minutes! I think that that’s a good sign!”

“You really don’t know Thad, do you?” Nerwin says.

“What do you mean?” Delila says.

“Delila… I didn’t want to reveal the truth about Thad to you, but maybe I should,” Nerwin says. “Maybe it’s for the best.”

“What do you mean by ‘the truth about Thad’?” Delila says.

“Thad is a sleazy womanizer,” Nerwin says.

“What?!” Delila says. “That’s not true. That’s not true at all! Thad is sweet and shy and kind.”

“Thad is none of those things,” Nerwin says. “Here, let me show you.”

Nerwin leads Delila to the hotel’s outdoor pool area. By the in-ground pool, a beautiful female employee of the honey corporation named Priscilla is laying on a beach lounge chair and wearing a very revealing bikini that reveals much of her shapely body. Thad is kneeling beside her and massaging one of her legs while simultaneously sucking on her toes. Priscilla is very much enjoying this, and appears to be deriving great pleasure from it.

“This is the real Thad,” Nerwin says, speaking to Delila. “He’s been having office affairs with multiple female co-workers.”

Delila is devastated.

“That’s not fair!” she says. “It’s me he should be sucking on!”

“I’m sorry, Delila,” Nerwin says, lying.

“What does he see in Priscilla that he doesn’t see in me?” Delila says.

Suddenly, Nerwin gets a devious idea. He realizes that there might be a way that he could get to be with Delila.

“Priscilla is my ex-girlfriend,” Nerwin says, lying. “Thad stole her from me. He only became interested in her because she was romantically involved with someone else.”

“So… you’re saying that if I was your girlfriend, Thad would try to steal me away from you?” Delila says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says, secretly excited that his plan seems to actually be working.

“Well then… maybe… if you wouldn’t mind helping me out… perhaps for a little while… you and I could-” Delila says.

Suddenly, they are interrupted by Nerwin’s girlfriend Victoria, who comes up to Nerwin, having just returned from the local supermarket. She is carrying a plastic bag containing various purchased items.

“Hello, Nerwin,” Victoria says. “I’m back from the supermarket. Look what I found!”

From the plastic bag, Victoria takes out a box of extra-small condoms. On the front of the box is an anthropomorphic cartoon condom that is smiling and winking and saying via a word balloon: “It’ll be our ‘little’ secret!”

“They had your size!” Victoria says. “And there’s enough in this box to last us the rest of the retreat! Isn’t that great?”

“Yes,” Nerwin says, humiliated. “Great.”

“Who are you?” Victoria says, speaking to Delila.

“I’m Delila,” Delila says.

“Nice to meet you, Delila,” Victoria says. “Come along, Nerwin. It’s time to play indoors again. Goodbye, Delila.”

“Goodbye, Delila,” Nerwin says.

“Goodbye,” Delila says.

Nerwin and Victoria walk away together.

The next day, the final day of the retreat, while Victoria is sleeping in her hotel room, Nerwin stops by Delila’s hotel room, intent on resuming his conversation with Delila from yesterday.

He knocks on the hotel room’s door. Much to his dismay, Thad answers the door instead of Delila.

“Hey buddy,” Thad says, completely oblivious to Nerwin’s dislike of Thad as per usual.

“What are you doing here?” Nerwin says.

“I’ve been having carnal intercourse with Delila,” Thad says. “She’s sleeping right now.”

“But I thought you weren’t interested in doing that with her!” Nerwin says, upset.

“I changed my mind,” Thad says, shrugging. “What are you doing here?”

“Nothing,” Nerwin says. He turns and begins walking away, wondering what would have happened if Victoria hadn’t interrupted him and Delila yesterday.

“See you later!” Thad says cheerfully.