Unfortunate Andrew and the Ape Costume

During an evening, a handsome, sleazy man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go to an upscale nightclub to try to meet a rich woman who he could potentially seduce and con into marriage to gain access to her wealth.

Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. With a sense of dread, Andrew goes to the door, assuming that the person at the front door is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the living arrangement, but he has been going along with it, as he has major money problems.

Andrew opens the front door. Much to his surprise, instead of the disgustingly fat female landlord being there, standing before him is a short, petite, attractive blond woman.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “What a lovely surprise. Who are you?”

“My name is Marissa,” the blond woman says.

“Hello Marissa,” Andrew says. “My name is Andrew. Andrew Squervil.”

“I know who you are, Andrew,” Marissa says. “We have a mutual acquaintance: an ex-lover of yours: Clora.”

“How do you know Clora?” Andrew says.

“She’s a friend of mine,” Marissa says. “We’re neighbors. I live in the mansion next to her mansion.”

“Does she still despise me?” Andrew says.

“Of course,” Marissa says. “She will hate you forever.”

“So why are you here?” Andrew says.

“Because I want you,” Marissa says. “Clora told me all about you. She told me that you were one of the greatest lovers she ever had. I’ve decided that I want to cheat on my husband with another man… and I want that man to be you, Andrew Squervil. Will you satisfy my carnal desire for you?”

“That is a request that I will happily accommodate,” Andrew says, gazing over Marissa’s shapely body.

They begin kissing each other.

Later, Andrew and Marissa are laying on the bed in the bedroom of Andrew’s crummy apartment, having recently completed their intimate encounter.

“That was phenomenal…” Marissa says, catching her breath.

“Thanks,” Andrew says.

“It’s amazing how you can accomplish so much… with so little…” Marissa says. “So very, very little…”

Andrew is annoyed by that comment.

“So you live in a mansion?” he says, trying to change the subject.

“Yes,” Marissa says. “My husband and I live there.”

“So you’re rich?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Marissa says. “Very, very rich.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, getting ideas. “So… Clora told you all about me?”

“Yes, she did,” Marissa says. “I know you’re a sleazy loser who would like to marry a rich woman for her money.”

“So I guess there’s no point in trying to con you into falling in love with me,” Andrew says.

“No, there’s no point,” Marissa says. “But all hope is not lost, Andrew Squervil: I have a proposal for you. One that will give you access to the many, many luxuries that my wealth can provide.”

“What is your proposal?” Andrew says, intrigued.

“That you live with me and my husband in our mansion as my secret plaything,” Marissa says. “My husband won’t know you’re living there. When he’s in the mansion, you’ll remain hidden from him in our mansion’s basement. But when he’s not around, which is fairly often, you can roam around the mansion freely and enjoy its many luxuries, including me.”

“What if your husband finds me in the basement?” Andrew says.

“He won’t find you,” Marissa says. “Even if he goes into the basement, he won’t see you. You’ll be wearing a very elaborate disguise: an ape costume.”

“What?!” Andrew says.

“I got the idea from Clora,” Marissa says. “I’m going to tell me husband that I bought myself an ape to keep as a pet. And I’ll tell him that I’m keeping the pet ape in a cage in the basement. In actuality, you’ll be wearing an ape costume, pretending to be my pet ape.”

“And I’ll be confined to a cage?!” Andrew says.

“Only when my husband is around,” Marissa says. “But when he’s away from the mansion, I’ll let you out of the cage and we can be together and you can enjoy the whole mansion as if it were your own. It’ll almost be like the mansion is yours, like you’re rich.”

“I don’t know about this idea of yours,” Andrew says.

“It’s not like you have better options, Andrew,” Marissa says. “It’ll certainly be better than continuing to live in this horrible apartment.”

Andrew looks at a very large framed photograph that is hanging on one of the walls in his bedroom. The hideous, obese female landlord makes Andrew keep the photograph there to torment him. In the photograph, the hideous, obese female landlord is featured prominently, wearing a very revealing black negligee, posing provocatively. Andrew looks back and forth between the disgusting photograph and the attractive woman laying next to him on his bed.

“Okay, I’ll do it,” he says. “For a little while anyway. Until I find something better.”

“Wonderful!” Marissa says. “Let’s celebrate.”

They begin kissing each other.

A few days later, Andrew’s new living arrangement is in place. He is living in the mansion of Marissa and her husband. When her husband is in the mansion, Andrew wears a very realistic-looking ape costume and remains inside a cage in the mansion’s basement. Thanks to various lies that Marissa told her husband, her husband is under the false impression that Andrew is a female ape named Fida, and that Marissa is keeping Fida as a pet. While Marissa’s husband is away from the mansion, which is fairly often, Andrew removes the ape costume and is let out of the cage by Marissa. Though Andrew would like to indulge in the mansion’s many luxuries, Marissa’s insatiable appetite for carnal satisfaction has been preventing Andrew from having any time to indulge in anything other than Marissa.

A few weeks later, Marissa’s husband reveals to Marissa that he has bought her a present: a shock collar for Fida to wear. The shock collar is wirelessly connected to an activation control that Marissa can use whenever she wants to punish Fida for bad behavior.

A few minutes later, in the mansion’s basement, Marissa’s husband goes into the cage and locks the shock collar around Andrew’s neck and then uses the activation control to give Fida a shock, as a demonstration to Marissa, who is nearby. The shock that Andrew receives is very, very painful.

Though Andrew is annoyed that he has to wear this shock collar now, he takes some consolation in the idea that Marissa won’t actually give him shocks when her husband isn’t around.

The next day, while Marissa’s husband is away from the mansion, Marissa gives Andrew a shock in response to him not eating a meal she had prepared for him. The shock that Andrew receives is very, very painful.

A few weeks later, Marissa’s husband reveals to Marissa that he has bought her another present: a mate for Fida; specifically, a gigantic male ape. Marissa tries to act pleased by this news.

“And just in time for the apes’ mating season!” Marissa’s husband says cheerfully.

A few minutes later, in the mansion’s basement, the gigantic male ape and Andrew are in the cage, while Marissa and her husband are standing outside the cage.

The gigantic male ape is staring intently at Andrew, who is wearing the female ape costume.

“From what I’ve read, these apes have insatiable appetites for carnal satisfaction,” Marissa’s husband says cheerfully. “I bet these two are going to get along very, very well, if you know what I mean.”

The gigantic male ape begins walking toward Andrew. Andrew gulps.

Marisa’s husband is smiling cheerfully while Marissa has a look of barely concealed horror on her face.

“Let’s leave these two alone while they get to know each other better,” Marissa’s husband says.

Marissa and her husband exit the basement.

Several weeks pass. Andrew is miserable. Marissa won’t get rid of the gigantic male ape or get the ape a separate cage to be confined in, as she thinks either action would make her husband suspicious. So Andrew has been sharing the cage with the gigantic male ape, much to Andrew’s dismay.

One day, several more weeks later, while Marissa and her husband are visiting Fida and the gigantic male ape in the mansion’s basement, the gigantic male ape suddenly smacks Andrew across the head, as it the ape is wont to do, causing the head part of the ape costume to fall off.

Upon seeing Andrew’s face, Marissa’s husband is surprised and confused.

“Who are you?” Marissa says, pretending to be surprised and confused as well.

Andrew doesn’t know what to say.

“He must be some intruder who’s planning to rob our mansion!” Marissa’s husband says. “He must have killed the real Fida and taken her place at some point, as a way to get into our mansion!”

“Yes…” Marissa says. “Yes, that’s what happened! That’s exactly what happened!”

Marissa’s husband grabs a nearby baseball bat. He goes into the cage and begins hitting Andrew repeatedly with the bat.

Seeing that Fida is under attack and wanting to protect her, the gigantic male ape grabs Marissa’s husband and begins pummeling him mercilessly.

The blows from the ape’s gigantic, meaty fists are so strong that they cause Marissa’s husband to become unconscious.

An hour later, Marissa’s husband is in a nearby hospital, now in a coma.

To prevent her husband from ever finding out the truth should he ever wake up, Marissa has Andrew arrested for the murder of Fida and for an attempted robbery of the mansion, as that’s what her husband would presume she would do if any of that was the truth.

Eventually, Andrew’s trial begins. Unfortunately for Andrew, the judge assigned to the case is a woman named Sindra. Sindra is one of Andrew’s ex-lovers and, like most of Andrew’s ex-lovers, now despises Andrew.

Andrew is found guilty. Sindra, who has a reputation for giving ironic and cruel punishments, ¬†sentences Andrew to a home arrest in the crummy apartment of the hideous, obese female landlord, where he now lives again. Sindra also declares that he must wear the ape costume at all times during the sentence. Sindra, who is fully aware of Andrew’s horrible living arrangement with the landlord and that Andrew finds the landlord repulsive, also declares that if the landlord reports any problematic behavior from Andrew during the sentence, his sentence will be converted to a much, much worse sentence. Finally, Sindra declares that Andrew’s sentence will not conclude until Marissa’s husband wakes up from his coma, which might be never.

Andrew is returned to his crummy apartment to begin his sentence. His hideous, obese female landlord wastes no time taking advantage of Andrew’s current circumstances. Unfortunately for Andrew, she has an insatiable appetite for carnal satisfaction.

A few weeks later, in the living room of his crummy apartment, Andrew calls Marissa.

In her mansion, Marissa answers the phone.

“Hello?” Marissa says.

“It’s Andrew,” Andrew says.

“Andrew, you know you’re never supposed to call here,” Marissa says.

“I just wanted to see if there have been any new developments with your husband,” Andrew says. “Does it seem like he might be waking up soon?”

“No,” Marissa says. “From what his doctors have told me, it doesn’t seem like he’ll be waking up anytime in the near future.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, disappointed.

“I have to go now, Andrew” Marissa says. “I’m meeting my new boyfriend for lunch. Don’t ever call here again. I do not want to ever see you again.”

She ends the phone call.

In Andrew’s apartment, Andrew puts down the phone and says, whispering: “Please wake up. Please wake up soon. Please…”

“Andrew, come back to bed!” the hideous, obese female landlord says, speaking from Andrew’s bedroom.

Andrew gulps. He returns to his bedroom.