During a morning, in a crummy three-bedroom apartment that is shared by four platonic friends, all four of the apartment’s residents are in the apartment’s living room. Three of the apartment’s residents – a man named Ted, a man named Dexter, and a beautiful female model named Eloisa – are sitting on a ridiculous-looking red couch and watching television. The other resident – a divorced woman named Felina – is sitting at a nearby table and using her laptop computer.
At the moment, Felina is angrily viewing the official website of a beautiful female yoga instructor named Mariella.
Noticing Felina’s angry expression, Eloisa says: “Why are you angrily staring at your computer, Felina?”
“I’m looking at Mariella’s official website,” Felina says.
“Who’s Mariella?” Dexter says.
“She’s the hot yoga instructor who stole Felina’s husband,” Ted says.
“She’s not a hot yoga instructor,” Felina says. “She doesn’t teach hot yoga. She just teaches regular yoga.”
“Yeah, but she’s really hot, thereby making her a hot yoga instructor,” Ted says.
“Shut up, Ted,” Felina says.
“Why are you looking at Mariella’s official website, Felina?” Eloisa says.
“Obsession,” Dexter says. “She’s drawn to what she hates the most. Human nature.”
“Shut up, Dexter,” Felina says. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now.”
“What are you seeing right now?” Ted says. “Pictures of a scantily clad Mariella posing provocatively?”
“No,” Felina says. “I mean, yes. But that’s not all I’m seeing. There’s also a new picture that she uploaded today. It’s a picture of Mariella wearing an anklet! My anklet! The one my husband bought for me for our second anniversary! A few days after he gave me the anklet, I lost it. After we got divorced and I moved out of our house and Mariella moved in, she must have found the anklet. My anklet!”
“Was it important to you?” Eloisa says.
“No, not at all,” Felina says. “I didn’t even bother looking for it after I lost it. But that’s not the point! It’s my anklet, not hers! I want it back!”
“Felina, are you sure this desire to get your anklet back is really a subconscious desire to get your ex-husband back?” Dexter says. “After all, Mariella stole him from you. Like the anklet, he once belonged to you and now belongs to Mariella.”
“Shut up, Dexter!” Felina says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to Mariella and get the anklet off of her and back onto my body, where he belongs!”
Felina exits the apartment.
An hour later, Felina re-enters the apartment. Dexter and Ted are still on the couch, but Eloisa is no longer there.
“How did it go?” Ted says.
“Awful,” Felina says. “Mariella refused to give me back the anklet and she had a restraining order issued against me.”
“She was able to get a restraining order issued against you that quickly?” Dexter says.
“She has connections,” Felina says. “Where’s Eloisa?”
“She’s become involved in a separate misadventure involving our sleazy male neighbor Andrew Squervil,” Ted says sadly. “She’s deceiving Andrew into thinking that she’s a rich heiress so that he will be interested in her, as he wants to marry a rich woman for her money.”
“Andrew is totally fooled by Eloisa’s deception,” Dexter says. “They’re in his apartment right now, having an intimate encounter. Andrew totally thinks he’s on his way to becoming rich.”
“Why would Eloisa even want to be involved with that sleazy loser?” Felina says.
“She’s attracted to sleazy losers,” Ted says sadly.
“She thinks she can change Andrew,” Dexter says. “She’s convinced that he’ll fall in love with her and abandon his sleazy ways and that, by the time he discovers that she’s not really rich, he’ll have changed so much that it won’t matter to him anymore.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Felina says. “She’s going to be disappointed. But we can’t concern ourselves with Eloisa’s misadventure right now. We need to focus on getting my anklet back. I can’t go back to Mariella and my ex-husband’s house because of the restraining order, so I need the two of you to go there and steal the anklet for me.”
“That’s crazy!” Dexter says.
“Yeah, we’re not thieves, Felina,” Ted says. “You really need to just let this go.”
“I’ll pay you both,” Felina says.
“Okay, we’ll do it!” Ted and Dexter say in unison.
An hour later, Ted and Dexter are sitting in a parked car outside of the house that belongs to Felina’s ex-husband and Mariella. The house is absurdly luxurious.
“Fancy place,” Ted says. “I had no idea that Felina’s ex-husband was so well-to-do. I can see why Felina is so bitter about how the divorce turned out for her. He got to keep everything except the red couch. Now she’s stuck with us and Eloisa in our crummy apartment while Felina’s ex-husband spends his days living in this fancy house and having intimate encounters with the hot yoga instructor.”
Dexter snickers. “Yeah, life is funny,” he says. “So how do you want to do this?”
“Well, according to Felina, her ex-husband is away at work for the rest of the day and Mariella is in the house by herself,” Ted says. “So the way I figure it is: I’ll knock on the front door, and when she answers, I’ll pretend to be a traveling salesman, interested in selling my wares to her; while she’s distracted by me, you’ll sneak into the house through a window and find the anklet and sneak out with it; by the time she realizes the anklet is gone, you and I will both be long gone; and she won’t even realize the anklet was stolen; she’ll think she misplaced it somewhere. It’s the perfect crime.”
“Sound like a great plan,” Dexter says. “But I have one revision to make to it: I’ll pretend to be the traveling salesman and you’ll do the break-in.”
“What?” Ted says. “Why?”
“Ted, we’ve both seen pictures of Mariella,” Dexter says. “She’s a goddess. A total mega-hottie. And I know how you get around goddess women. You’ll be so overwhelmed by that moneyed honey’s beauty that you’ll be too distracted to successfully maintain the fake traveling salesman identity. She’ll realize something’s not right and the whole plan could fall apart.”
“That’s ridiculous!” Ted says. “I don’t crumble in the presence of goddess women. And besides, I’m in love with Eloisa. Albeit completely unrequitedly, but in love nonetheless. Mariella would have no effect on me.”
“She would,” Dexter says. “Women like Mariella turn men like you into putty. It’s one of her special abilities.”
“‘One of her special abilities’?” Ted says. “You make it sound like she’s a rare, exotic creature being described in a nature show.”
“She is a rare, exotic creature,” Dexter says. “And we need to be very careful about how we approach that lovely specimen. So I should approach her instead of you.”
“Okay, fine,” Ted says. “I don’t care either way.”
“Great,” Dexter says. He takes a deep breath. “Okay, I’m going to do it now,” he says. “Watch us from here with your binoculars. Once it becomes clear that she’s preoccupied with me and my sales pitch, go sneak to the back of the house and do the break-in.”
Dexter gets out of the car and walks up to the house’s front door. He knocks on the front door.
Mariella opens the door. She is wearing a bikini and an open white robe. Dexter is immediately overwhelmed by her beauty.
“Hello,” Dexter says nervously. “I’m Dexter. I’m a salesman. A traveling salesman. Dexter the traveling salesman.”
Mariella smiles, amused.
From the parked car, Ted is watching Dexter and Mariella through binoculars. Ted sees Dexter rambling like an idiot while Mariella watches him in an increasingly flirtatious manner. Then Ted sees Mariella stop Dexter from talking. Then Ted sees Mariella kissing Dexter.
“Oh no…” Ted says. “I’ve got to do something.”
From the car’s glove compartment, Ted takes out a blowpipe. He aims the blowpipe at Dexter and blows into it, shooting a dart at him. The dart hits Dexter in the back of his neck, then falls to the ground.
Dexter becomes unconscious and falls to the ground.
Annoyed, Mariella rolls her eyes and goes back into the house and closes the front door.
A few minutes later, Dexter wakes up. He’s back in the parked car with Ted.
“What happened?” Dexter says. “The last thing I remember, I was making out with the hot yoga instructor and then all of a sudden…”
“I fired a dart at you with my blowpipe,” Ted says. “The dart contained a drug that temporarily knocks out its victims. It caused you to become temporarily unconscious.”
“Why would you have a blowpipe with darts that knock out its victims?” Dexter says.
“Our neighbor Sheila gave it to me,” Ted says. “She said she wasn’t using it anymore. I didn’t know what to do with it, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to have it around. One never knows when a blowpipe might come in handy. And today was that day! I was able to extricate you from that situation with Mariella. After you passed out and she went back inside, I brought you back to the car.”
“Why did you do any of that?” Dexter says. “She was kissing me! I was probably going to get to follinuck her!”
“Exactly, which is why I stopped it from happening,” Ted says. “That’s the woman who stole Felina’s ex-husband. Mariella is Felina’s arch-enemy. If you follinuck Mariella, it would be a massive betrayal of your friendship with Felina.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” Dexter says. “Felina wouldn’t care. I’m going to go back to Mariella and see if she’ll give me another chance with her.”
Dexter gets out of the car.
“Don’t, Dexter!” Ted says.
“I’m not listening to you anymore,” Dexter says.
He walks up to the house’s front door. He knocks on the front door.
Mariella opens the door.
“I’m sorry I passed out before,” Dexter says. “I was just so overwhelmed by your hot body. But I’m better now and I want to resume what we started.”
Mariella smiles and takes Dexter by the hand and leads him into the house. She closes the door.
“Oh no…” Ted says, watching through binoculars.
In the house, Mariella leads Dexter into the master bedroom. Mariella lays on the bed.
“Join me on the bed, traveling salesman,” Mariella says.
Dexter begins walking toward the bed.
Suddenly, Ted appears outside of the bedroom’s window. He begins knocking on the window frantically.
Mariella is shocked and annoyed. “Who is he?” she says.
“Uh, that’s my… business partner,” Dexter says.
Dexter opens the window.
“Ted, what are you doing?” Dexter says. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a business meeting?”
Ted climbs through the window.
“I’m here to stop you, Dexter,” Ted says.
“Stop me from what?” Dexter says. “I’m just in the middle of a meeting with a customer.”
“Just stop it,” Ted says. “Drop the ruse. I’m talking to you, Dexter, for real. You know what you’re about to do is wrong. Felina is your friend, and-”
“Felina?!” Mariella says. “You’re friends with Felina?”
“No!” Dexter says. “I mean… yes. Yes, Felina is my friend.”
Mariella smiles sinisterly. “That just makes me want you even more,” she says. “Get rid of your loser friend and then join me on the bed.”
“Your wish is my command, my love,” Dexter says. “Come on, Ted, it’s time for you to go.”
“Don’t do this, Dexter,” Ted says. “Think about Felina. Think about how much she’s suffered because of this woman. Felina’s whole life has been turned upside down and inside out. Felina’s lost nearly everything to this woman: Felina’s husband; Felina’s house; Felina’s precious anklet… And now Felina’s gonna lose her friend to Mariella too?”
Dexter pauses. He sighs. “You’re right,” he says. “Mariella, I’m sorry. As much as I’d like to join you on the bed, I can’t. I can’t betray my friend. Goodbye. Let’s go, Ted.”
Dexter begins walking out of the bedroom, with Ted following him.
Suddenly, before Ted can exit the bedroom, he is grabbed by Mariella, who is now standing behind him.
Ted turns around and faces Mariella. She looks angry.
“Listen, I’m sorry I spoiled your fun, but that’s just the way it is,” Ted says. “Friendship is important. Surely, even a woman as wicked as you must understand that.”
“Oh, I understand,” Mariella says.
She punches Ted in the face, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.
Later, in the apartment of Ted and Dexter and Felina and Eloisa, Eloisa enters the apartment. She looks very angry.
Felina is sitting on the red couch, watching television.
“How is your misadventure with Andrew Squervil going?” Felina says.
“It’s over between him and me,” Eloisa says, annoyed.
“Did he find out you’re not really rich?” Felina says.
“No,” Eloisa says. “But I caught him cheating on me with another woman! It turned out that Andrew was cheating on the both of us with each other. So the other woman and I both broke up with him, and she and I both beat him mercilessly.”
“Well I’m glad to hear that that’s over with,” Felina says.
Dexter enters the apartment.
“How did it go?” Felina says. “Did you get my anklet back?”
“What?” Dexter says. “Oh right, the anklet. We forgot all about that. No, we didn’t get it back.”
“Where’s Ted?” Felina says.
“Ted’s in jail,” Dexter says.
“What?!” Eloisa and Felina say in unison.
“Mariella knocked him out and then had him arrested,” Dexter says. “She told the arresting police officers that he was a burglar trying to break into her house. Which is kind of true, because of the whole anklet thing. But I spoke with Ted’s lawyer, and the lawyer assured me that everything will be okay. The lawyer has arranged for Ted to get a plea bargain deal: Ted will plead guilty in exchange for a sentence of three weeks in the Chamber of Misery.”
“The Chamber of Misery?” Eloisa says. “What’s that?”
“If you don’t know already, trust me, you don’t want to know,” Dexter says. “Let’s just say that Ted is going to be very, very unhappy for the next three weeks.”
“That’s terrible,” Felina says.
“I know,” Dexter says. “In retrospect, he would have been much better off if he just let me have an intimate encounter with Mariella like I wanted to.”
“What?!” Felina says. “You were going to have an intimate encounter with Mariella?”
“Relax, Felina,” Dexter says. “We didn’t. We just kissed, that’s all.”
“You and Felina kissed?” Felina says.
“Yes, that’s all,” Dexter says.
Felina nods, as if she understands Dexter’s rationale. Then she punches Dexter, causing him to become unconscious and fall to the ground.