Unfortunate Andrew and the Dating Advice Column of Doom

Unfortunate Andrew and the Dating Advice Column of Doom.jpg

During an evening, in a nightclub, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil meets a woman named Anna and subsequently cons her into falling in love with him.

A few days after completing his seduction of Anna, Andrew moves out of his crummy apartment and into Anna’s apartment.

Although Andrew finds both Anna’s apartment and Anna’s body pleasing, he does not intend for their relationship to be very long-term. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Although Anna has a healthy savings account, she is not rich. So Andrew is only being Anna’s boyfriend for the time being so he can live in her apartment for free.

Anna is oblivious to Andrew’s sleazy nature. She thinks Andrew genuinely cares about her and that they will be married someday.

Unlike Andrew, Anna is employed. She is a professional advice columnist for a local newspaper. Her column is a dating advice column. In the column, she often discusses her own dating life. Since beginning her relationship with Andrew, she discusses him in her column often, depicting him as a handsome, generous lover who brings her to a state of absolute carnal ecstasy on a nightly basis.

One frequent reader of Anna’s dating advice column is a very beautiful, rich, single, blond woman named Zuzana. Zuzana greatly values Anna’s insight and opinions. Zuzana once broke up with a boyfriend because of something she read in Anna’s column.

Having learned about Andrew Squervil through reading Anna’s column, Zuzana has become deeply intrigued with Andrew. Based on Anna’s descriptions of Andrew, Zuzana believes that Andrew is the perfect man and would be her ideal mate.

One day, while reading about Andrew in Anna’s column, Zuzana decides that she will make Andrew her mate.

“You’re mine, Andrew Squervil,” Zuzana says.

Later, after being contacted by Zuzana by phone, Andrew enters Zuzana’s mansion. In Zuzana’s mansion, Andrew sees Zuzana for the first time. He likes what he sees.

Zuzana tells Andrew that she wants to make him hers; that she wants him to become her boyfriend and live in this mansion with her.

Without any hesitation, Andrew says: “Zuzana, you mega-hottie, I would be delighted to leave Anna for you.”

They kiss each other, then have their first intimate encounter in Zuzana’s bedroom.

Later that day, Andrew cruelly dumps Anna, explaining to her that he was just using her and that he is now leaving her for the sexy, rich Zuzana. He moves out of Anna’s apartment and into Zuzana’s mansion.

Anna is furious and vengeful. She intends to make Andrew miserable.

A few days later, in Zuzana’s mansion, Andrew and Zuzana are laying on Zuzana’s bed in Zuzana’s bedroom. Zuzana is sleeping with Andrew’s arms wrapped around her. Andrew now spends the vast majority of his days being in Zuzana’s mansion and in Zuzana.

They are scheduled to get married in a few weeks. I’m finally getting the happy ending I deserve, Andrew thinks.

One of Zuzana’s sexy female maids enters the bedroom, causing Zuzana to awaken. The maid, who Andrew has been secretly cheating on Zuzana with, gives Zuzana a copy of today’s newspaper, then discreetly winks at Andrew, then exits the bedroom.

Zuzana opens the newspaper to the section containing Anna’s dating advice column. Zuzana reads the column, becoming outraged in the process.

“What’s wrong?” Andrew says.

“Get out,” Zuzana says. “I’m breaking up with you and canceling our wedding.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “I don’t understand.”

“Understand this, you loser,” Zuzana says, forcefully handing Andrew the newspaper.

Andrew reads Anna’s column. In the column, Anna issues a retraction statement, retracting all of the positive things she previously wrote about Andrew, and declaring that Andrew Squervil is, in actuality, a sleazy loser who could never satisfy her carnally.

“I don’t want to be in a relationship with a loser,” Zuzana says. “Especially not a loser who can’t satisfy me carnally.”

“What are you talking about?” Andrew says. “Just yesterday, you told me I was the greatest lover you’ve ever had!”

“Yes, but that was before I read Anna’s retraction statement,” Zuzana says. “Now, I want nothing more to do with you. Get out of my mansion, Andrew Squervil.”

Andrew begs Zuzana to not end their relationship, but she does not change her mind. She has her four sexy female maids forcibly remove him from her mansion.

Andrew moves back into the crummy apartment that he was living in before he’d moved into Anna’s apartment. His hideous, obese female landlord lets him live in the crummy apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the living arrangement, but he is going along with it, as he has major money problems. Andrew hates his life and misses Zuzana’s body and Zuzana’s mansion.