Ridiculous Marriage Proposal: A Sitcom

During a morning, in a three-bedroom apartment shared by four platonic friends, three of the apartment’s residents are sitting at a table in the apartment’s kitchen, having breakfast. The three people at the table are a man named Dexter, a woman named Felina, and a woman named Eloisa. Eloisa is a model.

Nearby, in the apartment’s living room, the apartment’s other resident, a man named Ted, is sleeping on a ridiculous-looking red couch. Ted is the only resident in the apartment who doesn’t have a bedroom. Ted is very infatuated with Eloisa. Unfortunately for Ted, Eloisa finds him repulsive.

“Ted is sleeping very late today,” Felina says. “Should we wake him up?”

“Why bother?” Dexter says. “He’s off from work today. If he wants to sleep late, let him sleep late.”

“Do you think that hypnotistress really gave him what he wanted?” Felina says.

“‘Hypnotistress’?” Eloisa says. “What are you talking about?”

Felina smirks. She says: “Well, yesterday, Ted went to a-”

Suddenly, Ted wakes up and falls off the couch. He looks around, shocked. He looks at his body, still shocked.

“I’m… back,” Ted says. “I’m back! I’m free! I’m free! I’m me again! I’m free!”

“Ted?” Felina says. “Are you okay?”

Ted removes earplugs from his ears and tosses them away. He says: “Felina… Dexter… Eloisa… sweet, beautiful Eloisa… I haven’t seen any of you in so long. You’re all just like I remember you.”

“What are you talking about?” Eloisa says.

Ted crawls over to Eloisa and kneels beside her. He says: “Eloisa… I’ve been through so much. I’ve suffered so much… and it was all for you. All for you!”

Eloisa says: “Ted, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but as I’ve told you many, many times before, I’m not interested in having any kind of non-platonic relationship with you. I’m not attracted to you. I think you’re gross.”

Ted says: “Eloisa… you don’t know what I’ve been through. If you did, you would feel differently about me. Yesterday… I went to a hypnotistress.”

“What’s a hypnotistress?” Eloisa says.

“A female hypnotist,” Ted says.

“Why did you go to a hypnotistress?” Eloisa says.

“Because she has the ability to hypnotize people so that they have certain recurring dreams,” Ted says. “So I had her hypnotize me so that I would dream about you every night. Because being with you is my idea of heaven. I went to sleep last night, expecting to have a dream about you.”

“Did you?” Eloisa says, disinterested.

“Yes,” Ted says. “But it didn’t play out like I thought it would. In the dream, it seemed like you were in love with me and wanted to have carnal intercourse with me. But then you killed me instead. Then I was reincarnated as a pair of leopard-colored women’s underwear.”

“What?!” Eloisa and Felina and Dexter say.

“In the dream, I was reincarnated as a pair of leopard-colored women’s underwear,” Ted says.

“Whose underwear were you?” Dexter says. “Eloisa’s?”

“I wish,” Ted says. “No, my subconscious had a different fate is store for me… a truly terrible fate, one worse than death: I became Barbara’s underwear.”

“Barbara?” Dexter says. “Our hideous, obese female landlord?”

“Yes,” Ted says. “In the dream, Barbara was wearing me. And, as the hypnotistress had warned me, my perception of time was different. Every second felt like hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years. Though I was only asleep and dreaming for a few hours, those few hours felt like a near-eternity for me. I spent a near-eternity being Barbara’s underwear, being worn by Barbara, and enduring all the horrors that that entails.”

“Wow,” Dexter says. “That truly is a fate worse than death.”

Felina nods in agreement.

Ted says: “The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of you, Eloisa; you and your ultra-sexy body; and the knowledge that one day, I would wake up and get to see you again. My love and lust for you never declined, even though that desire was the very thing that led to my misery-inducing imprisonment in Barbara’s nether regions. That proves that I love you, Eloisa! That proves that we’re soul mates, and are meant to be together. Only your one true soul mate would endure the hell that I endured for you, and still feel the way I do about you after it was over! And I would go through all that misery all over again for the chance to be with you! Only your one true soul mate would be willing to make such a sacrifice! We’re belong together, Eloisa. There’s only one thing to do. Let’s get married right away.”

Eloisa smiles and leans toward Ted as if she is going to kiss him. She says: “Keep dreaming, loser.” Then she presses her foot against Ted’s face, pushing him to the floor.

“I’ve got a modeling job to get to,” Eloisa says. “See you all later.”

She gets up and leaves the apartment.

Felina gets up and stands over Ted, looking down at him.

“Oh Ted,” Felina says. “You never learn, do you? Come on, we’ll take you back to that hypnotistress and get her to remove that horrible recurring dream from your mind.”

“Okay…” Ted says, feeling defeated.

He gets up. He and Dexter and Felina leave the apartment together.

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