Ridiculous Dreams: A Sitcom

During a night, in a three-bedroom apartment that is shared by four platonic friends, one of the apartment’s residents, a man named Ted, is sleeping on a ridiculous-looking red couch in the apartment’s living room. Ted is the only resident of the apartment who doesn’t have a bedroom.

Ted is having a dream. In the dream, he is sitting on the ridiculous-looking red couch in the apartment’s living room. Sitting next to him on the couch is another one of the apartment’s residents, a beautiful woman named Eloisa.

Ted is highly attracted to Eloisa. Unfortunately for Ted, in real life, Eloisa finds him repulsive.

In this dream however, Eloisa doesn’t seem to be disgusted by Ted. She is smiling at him flirtatiously.

“Ted, you are the most attractive man in the whole universe,” Eloisa says. “I don’t think you’re gross at all. Will you be with me and satisfy my every carnal desire?”

“Yes,” Ted says. “Yes, I will, Eloisa.”

Eloisa begins leaning in to kiss Ted.

Suddenly, Ted is woken up from his dream by a loud noise coming from the bedroom of the real Eloisa: her loud, passionate scream of joy, courtesy of the handsome male lover she is currently having an intimate encounter with.

The next day, in the afternoon, Ted and the apartment’s two other roommates, a man named Dexter and a woman named Felina, are sitting on the couch, watching television. On the television is an episode of a sitcom called Childless Couple.

“Where’s Eloisa?” Ted says.

“She’s out doing a modeling job,” Felina says.

“I had a dream about her last night,” Ted says.

“Of course you did,” Felina says.

“In the dream, she wanted to be with me,” Ted says. “But before it went any further, I was woken up by a loud noise.”

“That’s too bad,” Dexter says.

“And now I might never have that dream again,” Ted says.

“You should go see this hypnotistress I heard about,” Dexter says.

“What is a hypnotistress?” Ted days.

“It’s a female hypnotist,” Dexter says. “Our neighbor, Sheila, was telling me about how our neighbor, Andrew Squervil, went to a hypnotistress named Ursula to help him control what he dreams about when he’s asleep. One of the hypnotistress’ many abilities is that, through hypnosis, she can manipulate the subconscious part of a client’s mind so that the client will forever after have a specific recurring dream whenever they are asleep. The hypnotistress has caused many of her clients to have pleasant recurring dreams as requested by the clients. The recurring dreams the hypnotistress creates for her clients usually have to do with some kind of wish fulfillment. She could hypnotize you so that you have the dream you were having last night, over and over again, whenever you are asleep.”

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Felina says.

“That sounds like a great idea!” Ted says. “I’m going to do it! And then Eloisa will be mine in my dreams, forever!”

He laughs sinisterly, as if he were an evil mastermind. Felina rolls her eyes.

Later that afternoon, after looking up the work address of Ursula the hypnotistress, Ted goes to see her at her place of business.

After sitting down and discussing Ted’s needs with him, Ursula says: “So, if I understand correctly: you want me to hypnotize you so that whenever you’re asleep, you’ll have a dream that you were having last night?”

“Yes,” Ted says.

“And the dream is about a woman you know in real life?” Ursula says.

“Yes,” Ted says.

“And in real life, she’s repulsed by you?” Ursula says.

“Yes,” Ted says.

“I don’t understand: why would you want to dream about her every night if she’s repulsed by you?” Ursula says.

“Because in the dream I had, she’s not repulsed by me,” Ted says. “In the dream, she wants to be with me. I want to have the dream I had last night every night.”

“Are you sure you really want this?” Ursula says. “Sometimes, dreams can turn into nightmares very easily. And the hypnosis-induced dreams that I can produce for my clients have a side-effect: for the person having the dream, it can seem to last very, very long, much longer than a few hours. Some of my clients have said the dreams I’ve given them feel like they last for a near-eternity every night.”

“A near-eternity every night with Eloisa?” Ted says. “That sounds like heaven! Sign me up!”

“Okay…” Ursula says. “But remember, the line separating heaven from hell is very thin.”

Ursula proceeds to hypnotize Ted.

Some time later, Ursula frees Ted from his hypnotic spell.

“Okay, you’re all set,” Ursula says. “I gave you the dream you were having last night. From now on, you’ll have that dream whenever you’re asleep.”

Later, during the night, in his apartment, Ted falls asleep on the red couch, eager to return to the dream he was having last night. He is wearing earplugs to block out any sounds that could potentially interrupt the dream, like had happened last night.

Now, Ted is dreaming. In the dream, he and Eloisa are sitting on the red couch. Eloisa is smiling at him flirtatiously.

“Ted, you are the most attractive man in the whole universe,” Eloisa says. “I don’t think you’re gross at all. Will you be with me and satisfy my every carnal desire?”

“Yes,” Ted says. “Yes, I will, Eloisa.”

Eloisa begins leaning in to kiss Ted.

Suddenly, she stops.

“What’s wrong?” Ted says.

“Before we get started, I want you to have this drink I prepared for you,” Eloisa says.

From a nearby table, she picks up a glass of wine and hands it to Ted.

Ted drinks the wine while Eloisa smiles at him flirtatiously.

Suddenly, Ted falls to the floor. He can’t move.

“That’s right, Ted: I’ve fatally poisoned you,” Eloisa says. “You’re dying now.”

“Why would… you do this… to me?” Ted says.

“Because I find you repulsive,” Eloisa says. “I will never, ever be yours, not even in your dreams. Goodbye, Ted.”

To Ted, everything seems to fade away. Now he is surrounded by darkness. He stands up and looks around. He sees a white light in the distance. He walks toward the light.

Now Ted is in what appears to be a clothes store. Various people are in the store, shopping. But Ted is not himself anymore. His entire body is gone. Instead, he is a leopard-colored pair of women’s underwear. He is hanging on a clothes rack, on display, surrounded by various other pairs of women’s underwear also on display. Though Ted has no eyes or ears or any other human parts, he can somehow see and hear and smell and feel.

He thinks: I’ve died and been reincarnated as a pair of women’s underwear.

Suddenly, he notices that Eloisa and Felina are in the store, browsing.

Suddenly, Ted remembers a conversation he and Dexter had in real life a few weeks ago. In the conversation, they were discussing what they would like to be reincarnated as if reincarnation were possible, and Ted said that he would like to be reincarnated as Eloisa’s underwear.

Ted thinks: of course, that’s what’s going on here!

Eloisa and Felina walk up to the rack containing Ted and the other pieces of women’s underwear.

“I could use some new underwear,” Eloisa says.

Ted thinks: pick me, pick me!

Eloisa looks at Ted and says: “This one looks really nice. I think I might buy this one.”

Ted thinks: yes, yes, yes!

Eloisa begins reaching toward him to take him off the rack.

“Wait,” Felina says.

Eloisa stops.

“What?” she says.

Ted thinks: what?

“You don’t want to buy that underwear, Eloisa,” Felina says.

“Why not?” Eloisa says.

Ted thinks: yeah, why not?

“Because it’s much too big for you,” Felina says. “It’s a size that would be more appropriate for an obese woman.”

“Yes, you’re right,” Eloisa says. She takes a different pair of underwear. “I’ll buy this one instead,” Eloisa says.

Ted thinks: NO!

Eloisa and Felina walk away from Ted.

Ted thinks: stupid Felina… ruined everything…

Suddenly, a hideous, obese woman named Barbara enters the store. In real life, Barbara is the landlord of the apartment that Ted and his roommates live in.

Barbara notices Ted.

Ted thinks: oh no… not that… anything but that…

Barbara walks toward Ted.

“What a nice pair of underwear,” Barbara says. “I could use a new pair of underwear.”

Ted thinks: no, please don’t pick me, please don’t pick me!

Barbara takes Ted off the rack and says: “I’m going to buy this underwear!”

Ted thinks: NOOOOOooooooo…

Now, some time has suddenly passed and Barbara is now back at her apartment and wearing nothing but the Ted underwear and admiring her hideous, obese figure in front of a mirror.

Ted remembers what Ursula the hypnotistress told him about how the dream would feel like it would last a near-eternity. He thinks: a near-eternity of being Barbara’s underwear.

Ted wants to wake up. But he isn’t going to wake up anytime soon.

 

Advertisements