During a morning, in a crummy three-bedroom apartment in which four platonic friends reside, one of the apartment’s residents, a beautiful woman named Eloisa, is escorting her handsome male lover from last night out of the apartment. At the apartment’s front doorway, he kisses Eloisa and then leaves the apartment.
In the apartment’s living room, a few feet behind where Eloisa is standing, there is a ridiculous-looking red couch. Laying on the couch is another one of the apartment’s residents, a man named Ted.
“So that was your lover from last night?” Ted says.
“Yes,” Eloisa says. “Sorry if the noise from my bedroom kept you up last night.”
“I didn’t hear anything,” Ted says, lying. “So is it serious between the two of you?”
“I guess,” Eloisa says. “I don’t know. Maybe. Probably not.”
“Probably not…” Ted says, hopeful. “So Eloisa, I was thinking, now that you’re living in this apartment with me and Dexter and Felina, maybe you and I should get to know each other better. I mean, it only makes sense, now that we’re sharing an apartment. So I was thinking that maybe we could have dinner together tonight, just the two of us.”
Eloisa says: “Ted, listen: I really appreciate that you and Dexter and Felina let me move into your apartment, and I really appreciate that you let me have your bedroom, even though it means you now have to sleep on this uncomfortable living room couch at nights, but I’m not attracted to you.”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“The truth is… I think you’re gross,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“You disgust me,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“I find you repulsive,” Eloisa says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“And I think you’re a loser,” Eloisa says. “I mean, you sleep on a couch! You are such a loser!”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“So you understand my position on this matter?” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Ted says. “You paint a very clear picture, Eloisa.”
“Good,” Eloisa says. “Thanks for being so understanding. And thanks again for giving up your bedroom for me. You’re a really good friend. I’m gonna take a shower now.”
Eloisa goes into the apartment’s bathroom.
Another resident of the apartment, a woman named Felina, comes out of her bedroom.
“Good morning, Ted,” Felina says.
“Hi Felina,” Ted says glumly.
“Why do you sound so glum?” Felina says.
“It’s starting to seem like I’m never gonna get to follinuck Eloisa,” Ted says. “And I’m starting to think I made a mistake in letting her move into our apartment. Having that unattainable goddess living here is torture for me.”
“Who would have known that sharing your apartment with a woman you have an unrequited love for would turn out to be a bad thing for you?” Felina says sarcastically.
“I know, it’s mind-boggling,” Ted says. “Felina, you’ve got to help me. You’ve been friends with Eloisa for years. You know her better than anyone else. Surely, you can give me some inside information that will help me get inside Eloisa.”
“There’s nothing I can do to help you, Ted, even if I wanted to,” Felina says. “As I’ve told you many times before, the men that Eloisa gets involved with are all wealthy, married, and/or physically attractive. And you have none of those qualities. Your situation is hopeless.”
“Oh,” Ted says.
“Where’s Dexter?” Felina says. “He’s usually the first one up every morning. Is he still asleep?”
“Dexter never came home last night,” Ted says. “We were hanging out in the tavern across the street last night. He was still there when I left. He was drunk and wanted to get drunker.”
“I’m worried about him,” Felina says. “He’s been very depressed about his affair with that married woman ending. It seems to have put him on a self-destructive path. I hope it doesn’t lead to him making any really bad decisions.”
Dexter enters the apartment. He is wearing only a ridiculously oversized red robe that seems like it would be more appropriate for an obese woman.
“I am never drinking alcohol again,” Dexter says.
“Dexter, what happened to you?” Felina says. “Where have you been? Why are you wearing that ridiculous robe? What happened to your clothes?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dexter says.
“Wait a second,” Ted says. “I know that robe! That robe belongs to Barbara!”
“What?!” Felina says. “You mean Barbara, the hideous, obese woman who’s our landlord?”
“Yes, Barbara the landlord,” Ted says. “You spent the night with her, didn’t you, Dexter?”
“Fine, you figured it out: I follinucked Barbara,” Dexter says, annoyed.
“How did that happen, Dexter?” Felina says. “What were you thinking?”
“I was drunk,” Dexter says. “I was trying to drink away my sorrows, trying to temporarily dull the pain of my loss of Oxana, the woman I love, my one true soul mate. After Ted left the tavern, I ran into Barbara there. And in my drunken stupor, something about her seemed vaguely reminiscent of Oxana. One thing led to another, and I ended up back at her apartment with her. During our intimate encounter, she ripped off all of my clothes, destroying them in the process. So she lent me her robe to wear.”
“Pathetic,” Ted says.
“I agree with Ted,” Felina says. “Dexter, you’ve got to get over Oxana. Look what you’ve been reduced to! And for what? A married woman who wouldn’t leave her husband for you! She doesn’t love you, Dexter. She never loved you. You were just a distraction for her. A toy to play with while her husband was away. And now she and her husband are away on their year-long boat voyage around the world, and she’s forgetting all about you.”
“She doesn’t love him,” Dexter says. “She loves me. She only stayed with her husband because he’s rich. If I could provide her with the luxurious lifestyle that he does, she gladly would leave him for me.”
“That just makes her even more horrible from my point of view,” Felina says. “She’s a horrible, despicable woman, and you should forget all about her. Drinking yourself into a drunken stupor every night isn’t going to solve your problems.”
“She’s right, Dexter,” Ted says.
Suddenly, Dexter looks as if he’s having an epiphany. “Yes…” he says. “Yes… Felina is right: drinking myself into a drunken stupor every night isn’t going to help me get Oxana back. I need to be proactive! The only way to get Oxana to come back to me and leave her husband for me is if I become able to provide her with a luxurious lifestyle. Which means I need to somehow become rich.”
“I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make,” Felina says.
Suddenly, Ted looks as if he’s having an epiphany. “And the only way for me to get Eloisa to find me attractive is if I become rich and/or married. Which means I need to somehow become rich and/or married.”
“What?!” Felina says. “How do either of you idiots expect to become rich?”
“I’m already one step ahead of you, Felina,” Dexter says. “Our neighbor, that woman named Sheila, was telling me all about that man named Andrew Squervil who also lives in this apartment building. He’s desperately trying to become rich. He regularly visits a nightclub in an upper-class neighborhood that is frequently populated with rich, single women. He goes to the nightclub and tries to seduce these women and con them into marriage so he can get access to their wealth. It’s a brilliant plan.”
“Wait a second,” Felina says. “If this sleazy loser Andrew Squervil’s plan is so brilliant, why is he still not rich and still living in this crummy apartment building?”
“According to Sheila, Andrew is a magnet for failure,” Dexter says. “His many, many attempts to become rich have ended in failure, and have often resulted in him being pummeled mercilessly and/or imprisoned. It’s like he’s cursed.”
“How does that Sheila woman know so much about Andrew?” Ted says.
“She’s been stalking him,” Dexter says.
“Oh,” Ted says.
“But just because Andrew is doomed to forever be a loser doesn’t mean that his plan to become rich is a bad idea,” Dexter says. “I could use that same plan to become rich. And unlike Andrew, I will succeed, because I’m a winner.”
“You won’t succeed, and you’re not a winner,” Felina says. “This is a terrible idea, Dexter. How can you even entertain the idea of marrying a woman you don’t love for her money?”
“This is a fantastic idea, Dexter,” Ted says. “And I’m going to do it as well. We’ll go to the nightclub together and pursue our mutual goal together. And soon, the both of us will be rich!”
“And I’ll be able to get Oxana back,” Dexter says.
“And I’ll be able to buy Eloisa’s love,” Ted says.
Dexter and Ted laugh sinisterly in unison for a very long time, as if they are evil masterminds. Felina rolls her eyes.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in this apartment capable of good judgment,” Felina says.
Eloisa comes out of the bathroom, having finished taking her shower. She is wearing a red robe that is exactly the same as the robe that Dexter is wearing, except that her robe is of a much smaller size.
“Nice robe, Dexter,” Eloisa says.
Later, in the late evening, Felina and Eloisa are sitting at the bar in the tavern across the street from the apartment building that they live in. They are having drinks.
The bartender on duty places a new drink in front of Felina.
“I didn’t order this,” Felina says.
“It’s from that woman sitting at the table over there,” the bartender says, nodding toward a table across the room.
Felina and Eloisa looks toward the table. Sitting at the table is Barbara the landlord. Barbara winks at Felina flirtatiously. Felina looks away, disgusted.
“Looks like you have an admirer,” Eloisa says.
“Gross,” Felina says.
“So where are Ted and Dexter tonight?” Eloisa says.
“They went to that nightclub where all the rich, single women are,” Felina says. “They said they might come by here afterwards.”
“They are such idiots,” Eloisa says. “Especially Ted. Do they really think they’ll manage to marry any rich women for their money?”
“What will you do if Ted succeeds?” Felina says.
“What do you mean?” Eloisa says.
“I mean, if he becomes married and rich, will you become interested in him?” Felina says.
“Oh no…” Eloisa says, suddenly very worried. “That would make him irresistible to me. But I can’t be attracted to Ted! He’s such a disgusting loser! He can’t succeed! I can’t let him succeed! I have to do everything in my power to stop him!”
“Eloisa, you’re being ridiculous,” Felina says.
“No, I’m not!” Eloisa says. “If he becomes rich and married, I won’t be able to resist him, no matter how physically repulsive he is! I can’t let that happen to me. We can’t let that happen to me! We have to stop any possibility of future me ending up with Ted! We have to stop Ted! Let’s go to the nightclub and do what we can to sabotage his chances with the rich, single women there!”
As Eloisa is getting up from her seat, Dexter enters the tavern. His face is covered in bruises.
“Dexter!” Felina says. “What happened to you?”
“Ted and I went to that nightclub,” Dexter says. “We got into separate misadventures with rich women. Both of those misadventures ended badly for us. I ended up getting pummeled mercilessly by a married rich woman’s husband, and Ted ended up getting arrested for accidentally stealing someone’s limousine.”
“Ted is in jail?!” Eloisa says.
“Yes,” Dexter says.
“Oh thank goodness,” Eloisa says. “That means his plan to become rich and married has been thwarted… at least for now.”
“This is terrible!” Felina says. “Ted is in jail!”
“Don’t worry,” Dexter says. “The arresting police officer told me that Ted will be released in the morning and let off with a warning. The only good news I have to share is that I am now completely over Oxana.”
“That’s great, Dexter!” Eloisa says.
“I met someone else, and I really, really like her,” Dexter says.
“It’s the wife of the man who pummeled you mercilessly, isn’t it?” Felina says.
“Yes,” Dexter says.
“Oh Dexter…” Felina says. “You never learn. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in our apartment capable of good judgment.”
The next day, in the morning, while Ted and Dexter and Eloisa are sitting on the couch in their apartment’s living room, watching television, Felina enters the apartment. She is wearing only Barbara’s ridiculously large red robe. Ted and Dexter and Eloisa all stare at Felina, stunned.
“I am never drinking alcohol again,” Felina says.