Ridiculous Couch: A Sitcom

Ridiculous Couch.jpeg

During an afternoon, a man named Dexter and a man named Ted are helping a woman named Felina move into Ted and Dexter’s crummy three-bedroom apartment.

As Ted and Dexter are carrying Felina’s couch into the apartment, Felina looks at the finger on her hand where her wedding ring used to be. She got rid of the ring after her divorce was finalized a week ago. Somehow, despite the fact that Felina had caught her then-husband violating their prenuptial agreement by having an affair with her shapely female yoga instructor, the incompetent attorney that represented Felina in her divorce proceedings failed to get Felina ownership of the house that she and her husband had lived in over the past five years. Felina’s attorney also failed to get Felina any of the money that was in her and her now-ex-husband’s joint savings account. Somehow, the divorce proceedings ended with Felina getting nothing but the ridiculous-looking red couch that her husband and the yoga instructor were on together when Felina caught them having their affair.

In need of a place to stay, Felina turned to two of her platonic male friends, Dexter and Ted, for help, hence her moving into their apartment today. She has always found Dexter and Ted to be annoying goofballs, but this living situation is preferable to the other option that was presented to her: living in the apartment of her platonic female friend, a beautiful, struggling professional model named Eloisa. Felina likes Eloisa, but they lived together once before, years ago, and Felina found Eloisa to be an insufferable roommate. After that living situation, Felina better understood why so many of Eloisa’s boyfriends quickly become ex-boyfriends after moving in with Eloisa. Additionally, Felina finds Eloisa’s tendency to make unbelievably bad decisions on a regular basis to be profoundly depressing, and doesn’t want to have to witness that on a daily basis.

After Dexter and Ted have set the couch down in the apartment’s living room, Ted says to Felina: “So how’s your friend Eloisa doing?”

“She’s fine,” Felina says.

“Is she still having an affair with that married man?” Ted says.

“No, that’s over now,” Felina says.

“Don’t be so judgmental,” Dexter says. “There’s nothing inherently wrong with having an affair with a married person. I know your ex-husband was a jerk for cheating on you, Felina, and you were right to divorce him for that, but you have to look at these situations on a case-by-case basis. In some cases, the affair might be for the best for everyone.”

“What are you babbling about?” Felina says.

“So Eloisa is not involved with any men right now?” Ted says.

“Eloisa’s always involved with some men,” Felina says. “Married or otherwise.”

“Look, Felina, I know you’re upset about your marriage ending and the circumstances that led to your marriage ending, but you can’t use that to justify harshly judging all people who have affairs,” Dexter says. “They’re not all bad people.”

“I seriously don’t know what you’re babbling about,” Felina says.

“Are any of Eloisa’s current relationships with men serious ones?” Ted says. “I mean, would she be open to adding any additional men to her… ‘roster’?”

“Forget it, Ted,” Felina says. “It’ll never happen between you and Eloisa.”

“Why not?” Ted says.

“She finds you repulsive,” Felina says.

“You’re just joking… right?” Ted says.

“No,” Felina says. “In fact, the last time your name came up in a discussion between me and Eloisa, Eloisa specifically said: ‘Your friend Ted is gross. I find him repulsive.'”

“She really said that?” Ted says, deflated.

“Yes,” Felina says.

“OKAY FINE, I ADMIT IT: I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED WOMAN AND THAT THEREFORE MAKES ME A HORRIBLE PERSON!” Dexter says. “There, are you happy now, Felina?”

Dexter storms out of the apartment’s living room and goes into his bedroom and slams the door shut.

Ted and Felina stare at each other, confused by what just occurred.

A few seconds later, Dexter comes back out to the living room, now fully composed again.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper, Felina,” Dexter says. “I just hate it when you judge me so harshly like that.”

“How could I have been judging you?” Felina says. “I only found out about your affair when you announced it a few seconds ago.”

“So you’re not judging me harshly about it?” Dexter says.

“Of course I am, now that I know about it,” Felina says. “That’s horrible that you’re having an affair, Dexter! Who is it with?”

“It’s this sexy, sexy married blond woman named Oxana,” Dexter says. “Her husband is some rich jerk who’s always away on trips. She invites me over to their mansion when he’s not around.”

“I’m in love with a woman who finds me repulsive…” Ted says, speaking to no one in particular.

“Dexter, you have to end this affair immediately,” Felina says. “It’s wrong and you know it. Your feelings of guilt are clearly getting to you.”

“I know,” Dexter says. “I’ll end it today.”

“Felina, now that we’re letting you live in this apartment with us, your friendship loyalty obligations have shifted,” Ted says. “You need to be more invested in my and Dexter’s hopes and dreams than that of your other friends… even if it’s detrimental to the best interests of your other friends.”

“What are you babbling about?” Felina says.

“You need to help me trick your friend Eloisa into falling in love with me,” Ted says. “What can I do to win her love?”

“Ted, it’s a lost cause,” Felina says. “Even if Eloisa didn’t find you completely, utterly disgusting, she still wouldn’t want anything to do with you.”

“Why not?” Ted says.

“Because you don’t have a lot of money,” Felina says. “Eloisa likes to get involved with men who have a lot of money. In fact, she even gets involved with men she finds repulsive if they have a lot of money. But you don’t have a lot of money, so your situation is hopeless.”

“So you’re saying… if I had a lot more money, I could get to be with Eloisa?” Ted says.

“Yes, I guess that’s one way of interpreting what I just said,” Felina says. “But you seem to have missed the part where I emphasized how hopeless your situation is.”

“So I just need to figure out a way to have a lot more money, and then I can use that money to buy Eloisa’s love!” Ted says enthusiastically.

“Right now, I’m here, while my ex-husband is in the house, probably having a ‘yoga session’ with Mariella the yoga instructor, ” Felina says, speaking to no one in particular. “He’s got the house, and I’m here.”

“How are you going to get more money, Ted?” Dexter says.

“I don’t know yet,” Ted says. “But there’s got to be some way.”

“I’m not so sure there is,” Dexter says. “Right now, nearly all of the money you get in your bi-monthly payments from work goes towards paying your share of the rent. As long as you have these monthly rent payments to make, you’re always going to be nearly broke. Unless… No, forget it.”

“Unless what?” Ted says.

“No, just forget it,” Dexter says. “It’s a stupid idea. I shouldn’t even be thinking it.”

“No, tell me!” Ted says. “I’ll do whatever I need to do to be able to purchase Eloisa’s love.”

“Well, a while back, I got into a conversation with a woman named Sheila who also lives in this apartment building,” Dexter says. “And she mentioned something interesting about Barbara.”

“Who’s Barbara?” Felina says.

“Barbara is the landlord of this apartment building,” Ted says. “She’s repulsive… even more repulsive than Eloisa finds me.”

“Sheila told me that Barbara is letting a man live in this apartment building for free,” Dexter says. “His name is Andrew Squervil. According to Sheila, he’s a sleazy loser with major money problems. And according to Sheila, Barbara lets him live in his apartment for free… in exchange for being her plaything.”

“Ew, gross!” Ted says. “How could anyone bring themselves to do that with Barbara?”

“I know, just thinking about it makes me nauseous,” Dexter says. “I told you it was a stupid idea. I should have never brought it up.”

“Wait…” Ted says. “Your idea is that… I… do that… with Barbara?! You’re suggesting that I become one of Barbara’s playthings so that I can live here rent-free and thus increase my savings dramatically… thereby increasing my chances of being able to buy Eloisa’s love?”

“Like I said, it’s a stupid idea,” Dexter says. “Of course you would never even consider doing that with Barbara… not even for Eloisa. No hot woman is worth subjecting yourself to that kind of torture.”

“Right…” Ted says, uncertain.

“You’re actually considering it, aren’t you, Ted?” Felina says.

“Of course not!” Ted says, uncertain. “At least… I don’t think I am. I need to think it over. I’m going to visit Eloisa’s website and review each and every one of the sexy photographs of herself she has posted on there, so I can make the most well-informed decision possible. If either of you need me, I’ll be in my room, on my computer.”

Ted goes into his bedroom, then closes its door behind him.

“He looks at those pictures on her website every single day, doesn’t he?” Felina says.

“Multiple times a day,” Dexter says. “As do I. Incidentally, I noticed it’s been a while since she posted any new photographs of herself. Is she taking a break from modeling?”

“No,” Felina says. “In fact, she’s on a modeling job today. Some up-and-coming photographer is taking pictures of her for a magazine cover she’ll be appearing on in the near future. It’s for the first issue of some new big magazine called Collage. Supposedly, it’s a big break for her.”

Elsewhere, in a swanky building in a very upper-class neighborhood, Eloisa is on a round bed in a fancy hotel suite. She is wearing very revealing lingerie, her sexy body on display. She is posing provocatively for a handsome male photographer named Gaz, who is standing near the bed and aiming a camera at her, taking pictures of her.

“Beautiful,” Gaz says. “You’re really good at this.”

“Thank you,” Eloisa says flirtatiously. “You’re not bad yourself.”

She then notices the wedding ring that Gaz is wearing.

“Are you married?” Eloisa says.

“Yes,” Gaz says. “To an actress. She’s done a lot of supporting roles. Perhaps you’ve heard of her: her name is Naomi.”

“From the movie The Space Tart?” Eloisa says.

“Yes, that’s her,” Gaz says.

“Oh, I thought her performance was great in that movie,” Eloisa says. “She’s very beautiful. How long have the two of you been married?”

“Just a few weeks,” Gaz says. “She’s the reason I got this photography job for this new Collage magazine. She used some connections she has in the industry to get me this job. It’s a big break for me.”

“This is a big break for me too,” Eloisa says. “It’s amazing that I was selected to be on the cover of the first issue. Why is the magazine called Collage?”

Gaz grins mischievously. “That’s a secret for now,” he says. “I’m not at liberty to tell you. You’ll have to wait until the first issue comes out to find out.”

Eloisa grins flirtatiously.

“After we’re done here, perhaps we can celebrate our big breaks together… with a bottle of wine,” Gaz says.

“Sounds good to me,” Eloisa says. “I love wine.”

Later, Dexter and Oxana are in the mansion that Oxana and her husband live in. Oxana’s husband is away on an out-of-country trip.

At the moment, Dexter and Oxana are laying on the bed in the mansion’s master bedroom, having recently completed an intimate encounter. Dexter knows that Felina would disapprove of him engaging in one final intimate encounter with Oxana before ending the affair, so he makes a mental note to never mention that part of today to Felina.

“Oxana,” Dexter says, getting ready to end the affair.

“Yes, Dexter?” Oxana says, speaking in her sexy foreign accent.

“Oxana, I…” Dexter says, finding it very hard to bring himself to end the affair while being only inches away from Oxana’s hot body.

“What is it?” Oxana says.

“Never mind,” Dexter says. “Forget it.”

“Is everything okay?” Oxana says.

“Better than okay,” Dexter says.

“Good,” Oxana says. “Dexter?”

“Yes, Oxana?” Dexter says.

“I have something I need to tell you,” Oxana says.

“What is it?” Dexter says, fearful that Oxana might end their affair.

“Our affair is about to get more complicated,” Oxana says.

“Why is that?” Dexter says.

“My husband wants to go on a year-long boat voyage all around the world,” Oxana says.

“That’s great!” Dexter says. “With him gone all year, I’ll be able to visit you a lot more often.”

“No, you misunderstand,” Oxana says. “He wants me to go on the voyage with him.”

“Really?” Dexter says, deflated.

“Yes,” Oxana says. “And I’ve decided to go with him. If I decline, he’ll start to suspect that I’m cheating on him. He and I will be leaving on this voyage in a few weeks.”

“So we’re going to be separated from each other for a whole year?” Dexter says.

“Not necessarily,” Oxana says. “There might be a way that you can come on this voyage with us. My husband’s boat is very big. It has more than enough room for several people to live on it together for a whole year. And he’s open to the idea of bringing friends and acquaintances with us on this voyage.”

“But your husband and I barely know each other,” Dexter says. “And at the moment, he perceives that you and I barely know each other as well. What would be your bogus explanation to him for wanting to bring me along on this trip?”

“Do you remember my best friend Zolana?” Oxana says.

“Yes, I remember meeting her a few weeks ago at that party,” Dexter says. “She’s a professional bodybuilder, correct?”

“Yes, that’s her,” Oxana says. “As you may recall, she was quite taken with you.”

“Yes, I remember,” Dexter says. “She gave me her phone number and suggested I call her sometime.”

“Yes, she doesn’t know about our affair,” Oxana says. “She’s very upset that you haven’t called her.”

“What does Zolana have to do with our situation?” Dexter says.

Oxana picks up a nearby folded-up piece of paper and hands it to Dexter.

“What’s this?” Dexter says, unfolding the piece of paper.

“It’s a letter from you to Zolana,” Oxana says. “I wrote it.”

Dexter reads the forged letter to Zolana. In the letter, ‘he’ claims to be madly in love with Zolana and would do anything to be with her.

“What is this?” Dexter says. “Why would you write this?”

“It’s all part of my plan,” Oxana says. “You’re going to become Zolana’s boyfriend. Then I’m going to invite Zolana to come with me and my husband on the year-long boat voyage. If she has any doubts about going on the voyage, you’ll convince her otherwise. And of course, she’ll bring you along on the voyage with her. My husband won’t suspect anything because he’ll think you’re just there because you’re Zolana’s boyfriend. It’s the perfect plan.”

“It’s not the perfect plan!” Dexter says. “You’re overlooking one crucial problem.”

“What problem is that?” Oxana says.

“That your friend Zolana is utterly repulsive,” Dexter says. “Even if you and I weren’t in our secret relationship, I still would never have called her. She’s gross! That overly muscular bodybuilder body of hers makes me want to vomit. How could I possibly bring myself to do what you want me to do with her?”

“I know it’ll be a sacrifice,” Oxana says. “But don’t you think I’m worth it?”

Dexter is silent, unsure how to answer.

“Well you have the letter,” Oxana says. “Zolana’s address is written on there. Think it over. If you think I’m worth it, send the letter to her. I hope you do, Dexter. I sincerely hope you do.”

Oxana kisses him.

Later, in Dexter and Ted and Felina’s apartment, Felina comes out of her new bedroom, having finished setting it up to her liking.

“Okay, I’m all moved in now,” she says, speaking to no one in particular.

In the living room, she sits on the ridiculous-looking red couch and turns on the television.

Dexter enters the apartment.

“You’re back,” Felina says. “How did it go? Did you end the affair?”

“Not quite,” Dexter says guiltily. “I mailed a letter instead.”

“What are babbling about?” Felina says.

Suddenly, Ted comes out of his bedroom, having been in there visiting Eloisa’s website for the past several hours.

“Everyone, I have an announcement to make,” Ted says.

“‘Everyone’?” Dexter says.

“I’ve made my decision: I’m going to do it,” Ted says. “For Eloisa, I’m going to do it. I’m going to do it. I’m going to become Barbara’s plaything! I’m going to follinuck Barbara! That is something that is actually going to happen!”

“Are you crying?” Felina says.

Ted wipes away tears. “No,” he says, lying.

The next day, Ted knocks on the front door of the apartment that his hideous, obese female landlord Barbara lives in.

Barbara opens the door.

“Hello, Ted,” Barbara says.

“Hello, Barbara,” Ted says. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Barbara says.

Ted enters Barbara’s apartment.

“So what do I owe this surprise visit to?” Barbara says.

Ted gulps, bracing himself for what he is about to propose.

“Barbara… I was wondering if…” Ted says.

“Yes?” Barbara says, confused.

“Barbara, I came to here to propose… something,” Ted says.

“Propose what?” Barbara says.

“I would like… to be… with you,” Ted says. “Carnally.”

“Are you crying?” Barbara says.

Ted wipes away tears. “No,” he says, lying.

A few weeks later, Ted and Dexter and Felina are sitting at a table in a coffee shop, having coffee and waiting for Eloisa to arrive. The four of them are going to see a movie together this afternoon.

“So the first issue of Collage comes out today, with Eloisa on the cover?” Dexter says.

“Yes,” Felina says. “Eloisa is really excited about it. This is a really big break for her.”

“I haven’t been able to get a copy of the issue,” Ted says, frustrated. “It was already sold out at every newsstand I went to. And the magazine’s website hasn’t posted the cover online yet either.”

“I haven’t been able to find a copy yet either,” Dexter says. “I read online that the magazine has been selling out in record time all over the country. This is going to do wonders for Eloisa’s career. She might end up rich.”

“I hope not,” Ted says. “If she becomes rich, it’ll thwart my goal to buy her love.”

“That reminds me, how is that going for you?” Felina says.

“Not as good as I’d hoped,” Ted says. “Living in the apartment for free in exchange for being Barbara’s plaything has definitely lead to a noticeable increase in my savings account…. but I was crunching the numbers this morning, and it looks like it’ll take several more years before I will have enough money to be able to successfully purchase Eloisa’s love.”

“So you’re going to end the arrangement with Barbara?” Felina says.

“Of course not!” Ted says. “If it’ll take several years, it’ll take several years. True love has no time restrictions.”

“Pathetic,” Dexter says.

“Oh, as if you’re one to judge,” Ted says. “You’re the one who’s follinucking a hideous female bodybuilder.”

“That’s a completely different situation,” Dexter says. “I’m in a serious, committed relationship with a married woman, and such commitment requires sacrifices… and suffering… sometimes lots and lots of suffering. One day, when you’re a more mature individual, if that day ever comes, you’ll understand what it means to be in a sophisticated, committed affair.”

“When do you and Zolana and Oxana and her husband leave together on your year-long boat voyage?” Felina says.

“One week from today,” Dexter says.

“So you’re really going?” Ted says.

“Yes,” Dexter says. “I’ve made up my mind. One moment with Oxana is worth enduring a thousand horrible, sweaty nights with Zolana. Zolana sweats a lot. So much sweat…”

“You’re an idiot,” Felina says.

Eloisa enters the coffee shop, looking beautiful and furious. She is holding a rolled-up magazine.

“Hi, Eloisa,” Ted says.

“Shut up, loser,” Eloisa says.

“What’s wrong?” Felina says.

“This,” Eloisa says, unrolling the magazine and slamming it onto the table that Dexter and Ted and Felina are sitting at.

They all look at the magazine. It is the first issue of Collage. On the cover of the magazine, are many, many tiny, nearly microscopic photographs of various attractive, scantily clad women. Collectively, the photographs form a single image of the face of a very beautiful, very famous, very rich female celebrity named Lililalaya.

“You got bumped from the cover in favor of Lililalaya?” Dexter says.

“No, I am on the cover!” Eloisa says.

She points to a particular, barely visible, tiny photograph in the bottom left-hand corner of the magazine. In the photograph, she is scantily clad and posing provocatively, but the photograph is so small that it is not at all apparent that the woman in the photograph is specifically her.

“So you are on the cover after all!” Ted says. “Congratulations!”

“Ted, if you say another word, I’m going to kick you in the head,” Eloisa says.

“He would welcome any physical contact from you,” Dexter says.

“Look, it’s not all bad, Eloisa,” Felina says. “Ted’s right: you are on the cover, even if your picture is too tiny for anyone to ever know it’s you.”

“That sleazy photographer tricked me,” Eloisa says. “He knew I thought I was going to be featured on the cover, and he didn’t tell me the truth. He completely deceived me!”

“Well, it could have been worse,” Felina says. “I mean, look on the bright side: he only tricked you into thinking you were going to be featured on a magazine cover. It’s not like he manipulated you into having an intimate encounter with him.”

Eloisa looks away, embarrassed.

“Oh…” Felina says. “He manipulated you into having an intimate encounter with him, didn’t he?”

“I couldn’t help myself,” Eloisa says. “He has lots of money, and he’s married, which is also a big turn-on for me… and I was in such a celebratory mood at the time.”

While looking at the various photographs on the magazine cover, Dexter says: “Wow, do you think he seduced every one of the hotties in this collage? That’s amazing.”

Eloisa picks up a glass of soda from the table and pours the soda on Dexter’s head.

“I deserved that, I know,” Dexter says.

“So are we going to the movie now?” Felina says.

“No, we need to go see that sleazy photographer Gaz,” Eloisa says.

“What for?” Felina says.

“Because I want to confront him about what he did to me, and I need you all there for moral support,” Eloisa says. “Are you coming with me?”

“We would go with you anywhere, Eloisa,” Ted says. “Especially me.”

“Let’s go,” Eloisa says.

Later, Felina is driving her car in a very upper-class neighborhood. Eloisa is sitting in the front passenger seat. Ted and Dexter are sitting in the back seats. Eloisa is directing Felina where to drive.

“Where are we going?” Felina says.

“He has a luxurious suite that he works out of,” Eloisa says. “I bet his rich actress wife pays for it all. He’s probably there right now, seducing some other bimbo. There’s the building. You can park the car right over there.”

Felina parks the car. They all get out of the car and go into the building containing the luxurious suite that Gaz works out of.

There is a male receptionist sitting at the building’s front reception desk.

“Can I help you?” the receptionist says.

“We’re here to see Gaz in Suite 11-B,” Eloisa says.

“Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist says.

“No,” Eloisa says.

“Well I can’t let you go upstairs to see him without an appointment,” the receptionist says. “Those were his specific instructions to me.”

“Let’s just go, Eloisa,” Felina says.

“Oh for goodness’ sake,” Eloisa says, unbuttoning her blouse. She holds out her chest in front of the receptionist, inches away from his face. “Here’s my appointment,” she says. “You can touch them for two minutes, and then you let us go upstairs to see Gaz, agreed?”

A few minutes later, Eloisa and Felina and Ted and Dexter get off the building’s elevator, onto the floor containing the luxurious suite that Gaz works out of.

“That was one lucky receptionist,” Ted says.

Eloisa, with the others following behind her, walks up to the front door of Gaz’s suite. With one kick, she knocks the front door down.

“Whoa,” Ted says. “I am so in love.”

At that moment, in the suite, Gaz and a sexy female model named Xenia are on the round bed, which can be seen from the suite’s front doorway. Xenia is scantily clad and is kneeling on the bed. Gaz is behind Xenia, also kneeling on the bed. He is holding one of her hands and kissing her neck, which seems to be causing her great pleasure.

Suddenly, Gaz and Xenia simultaneously stop what they’re doing, startled, having just noticed the broken-down front door and the four people standing by the front doorway.

Gaz gets out of the bed and says: “Eloisa! What are you doing here? Why did you break down my door?”

Eloisa storms into the suite, with the others following behind her.

“‘What am I doing here?’?” Eloisa says. “‘What am I doing here?’?! I’m here to pummel you mercilessly!”

“Why?” Gaz says. “I don’t understand.”

“I saw the cover of Collage,” Eloisa says.

“Yeah, so?” Gaz says. “You looked great on it! What’s the problem?”

“I’m barely visible on the cover!” Eloisa says. “The photograph of me is so tiny! I’m practically invisible! And you didn’t tell me that I’d be sharing the cover with a thousand other bimbos!”

“It never came up in our conversations,” Gaz says.

“You tricked me!” Eloisa says.

“I didn’t trick you!” Gaz says.

“You had me thinking it was going to be a big break for me!” Eloisa says.

“I think it is a big break for you,” Gaz says. “You’re on the cover of a magazine that is selling out in record numbers all across the country. No one can ever take that away from you.”

“I’m completely irrelevant,” Eloisa says, deflated. “It’s Lililalaya who’s on the cover, not me. I’m just one small particle that helps make up her image.”

“Well, if that’s the way you want to interpret the situation, you’re free to do so,” Gaz says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish up here with Xenia and get ready for tonight. Lililalaya called me. She was so pleased with how she looks on the Collage cover that she invited me to come over to her mansion tonight so that she can personally thank me in her own special way.”

“Come on, Eloisa, let’s just leave,” Felina says. “There’s nothing more that you can accomplish here.”

“Fine,” Eloisa says. “But I hope you feel bad about this one day, Gaz.”

Eloisa begins to turn to leave.

“Now hold on,” Ted says.

Eloisa stops.

Ted says: “Listen, Mister Gaz: you may be a successful photographer who gets to have all kinds of carnal delights with many, many beautiful women, and I sincerely am envious of all of your success with women… but Eloisa is not just another interchangeable bimbo for you to photograph and then seduce. No offense, Xenia. Mister Gaz, Eloisa is a beautiful, special, unique, exotic creature who should be featured on the cover of every magazine on the planet. If you’re too narrow-minded to see that, there’s nothing I can do to change that. But you owe her an apology, and we’re not leaving until you give it to her.”

“Wow…” Eloisa says. “Thank you, Ted. No one has ever stood up for me like that before.”

After a few seconds, Gaz says: “Okay. Okay, fine. I’ll apologize to Eloisa.”

“Great,” Ted says. “So do it.”

“But I can’t apologize with all of you people watching,” Gaz says. “I’m a very self-conscious person. Can you all just leave and I’ll apologize to her in private?”

“We’ll be waiting for you in the car, Eloisa,” Felina says. “Come on, guys.”

Felina and Ted and Dexter exit Gaz’s suite.

An hour later, outside the suite’s building, Felina and Ted and Dexter are sitting in Felina’s car, still waiting for Eloisa.

“What is taking so long?” Ted says.

“This is now the world’s longest apology,” Dexter says.

Eloisa walks out of the building and gets into the car.

“How did it go?” Ted says.

“Okay… I guess,” Eloisa says. She looks away, embarrassed.

Felina rolls her eyes, annoyed. “You had another intimate encounter with him, didn’t you?” she says.

“Yes…” Eloisa says.

“With Xenia still in the suite with you?!” Dexter says.

“It was a threesome,” Eloisa says.

“Oh, Eloisa…” Felina says. “You never learn.”

Felina begins driving them away.

While they’re on the road, Eloisa says: “So Dexter, I hear you’re going on a year-long voyage with a female bodybuilder.”

“Something like that,” Dexter says.

“So you’re moving out of your apartment?” Eloisa says.

“Yes,” Dexter says. “It’ll be just Felina and Ted.”

“Well, if no one’s going to use that apartment’s spare third bedroom, I’d like to move in there,” Eloisa says.

“You do?!” Ted and Felina say simultaneously, Ted with enthusiasm, Felina with dread.

“Yes,” Eloisa says. “Now that my ‘big break’ has turned out to be a ‘big nothing’, I’m fairly positive that I won’t be experiencing a massive upturn in modeling jobs that come my way. Which means I won’t be able to continue to afford the apartment I’m currently living in. So I need a place to stay. And Felina, you and I had such a great time being roommates together previously, so it only makes sense that I move in with you and Ted.”

Before Felina can express any reservations, Ted says: “We’d love to have you living in the apartment with us, Eloisa.”

“Great!” Eloisa says.

A few days later, Felina enters her apartment, having returned from work. Much to her surprise, Dexter is there, sitting on the ridiculous-looking red couch. He looks stunned. Ted is also sitting on the couch. He also looks stunned.

“Dexter?” Felina says. “What are you still doing here? Isn’t your year-long passion pit boat voyage with Oxana and Zolana supposed to begin today?”

“Zolana dumped me,” Dexter says. “She ended our relationship moments before I was going to get on the boat. She said she doesn’t love me anymore and wanted to remove me from her life. She said the boat voyage was going to be a fresh start for her, a chance to start anew. They left without me.”

“So it’s over between you and Oxana?” Felina says.

“Yes, at least for the foreseeable future,” Dexter says. “Her husband has her all to himself now… that jerk.”

“And why do you look so dejected, Ted?” Felina says.

“Barbara ended my plaything arrangement with her,” Ted says. “She called me a loser and said that I could never satisfy her. She said I’m going to have to start paying rent again.”

“Well, look on the bright side: at least the both of you are now free of those toxic, dysfunctional relationships,” Felina says.

“Zolana… disgusting, sweaty, muscular Zolana… dumped me,” Dexter says.

“Barbara… fat, hideous Barbara… dumped me,” Ted says.

Suddenly, Felina realizes something. “Wait a minute,” she says. “Snap out of your funks, you idiots. I just realized something: Dexter, if you’re not going on the year-long boat voyage, then that means you’re going to continue living here, correct?”

“Correct,” Dexter says.

“But Eloisa is still planning to move in here tomorrow,” Felina says. “Four people living in a three-bedroom apartment? That’s not going to work.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Dexter says.

“Yes, we’ll figure something out,” Ted says. “Somehow, we’ll make it work.”

“No!” Felina says, elated. “It can’t work! It can’t! We’ll just have to tell Eloisa that she can’t move in here after all! Eloisa won’t be moving in with us after all! I’ll call her right now and tell her the news.”

Felina goes over to the phone, eager to stop Eloisa from moving into the apartment.

“Wait!” Ted says. “I’ve got an idea. There is a way we can make this work.”

The next day, much to Felina’s dismay, Eloisa moves into the apartment. She now has the bedroom that used to be Ted’s, and Ted will be sleeping on the ridiculous-looking red couch in the living room.

Later, in the late evening, Ted is laying on the red couch, daydreaming about Eloisa. “Someday, she will love me,” Ted says, speaking to no one in particular.

In Eloisa’s bedroom, Eloisa is laying on her bed and looking at a photograph of Ted that she just found under her bed. Ted had strategically ‘forgot’ to take that photograph with him when he moved out of the bedroom, along with various other reminders of himself that he ‘accidentally’ left behind for Eloisa to gradually find, in an effort to make Eloisa gradually, subliminally start thinking of him often, and perhaps even start having dreams about him, and perhaps eventually start falling in love with him.

“So repulsive,” Eloisa says, looking at the photograph of Ted. She tosses the photograph into a nearby waste basket, then shuts off her bedroom’s lamp and goes to sleep.

In Dexter’s bedroom, Dexter is sitting on his bed and looking at a framed photograph of Oxana. He had taken this picture of her. In the photograph, Oxana is pointing at him and laughing cruelly.

“Oxana, I love you…” Dexter says, tears coming down his face.

Then he turns the framed photograph around. On the other side of the frame is another framed photograph, this one of Zolana. He had taken this picture of her. In the photograph, Zolana is looking at him disapprovingly and wagging her finger at him disapprovingly while simultaneously lifting a barbell with one hand.

“Zolana, how could you do this to me?” Dexter says, tears coming down his face.

In Felina’s bedroom, Felina is laying on her bed, unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, very troubled by the uncertainty of how much longer she will be sharing an apartment with Dexter and Ted and Eloisa.

“It’s only temporary,” Felina says, very uncertain. “It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary.”

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