Unfortunate Andrew and the Guided Walking Tour of Doom

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil enters a nightclub that is located in a very upper-class neighborhood. Andrew knows that this nightclub is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women, which is why Andrew is here. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by conning a rich, preferably beautiful woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. He hopes to meet such a woman here in the nightclub tonight.

Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, thus far, for various reasons, all of his many attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.

While in the nightclub, Andrew starts a conversation with a rich, beautiful, single woman named Ulsa. While talking with Ulsa, Andrew learns that she is not from around here; that she is from another country and is here on vacation.

Ulsa is quite taken with Andrew. She finds him handsome and charming.

Later, in the hotel suite that Ulsa is staying in, Andrew completes his seduction of Ulsa.

Afterwards, while they are laying on the hotel suite’s bed, Ulsa says: “I’m only here in this country for one more full day. Will you spend tomorrow with me, Andrew?”

“Of course,” Andrew says, certain that he will soon be married to Ulsa and have full access to her money.

The next day, Andrew and Ulsa are spending the day together, and Andrew is playing the part of the loving, attentive boyfriend, and he is bored out of his mind. Ulsa, who is really interested in doing all kinds of touristy nonsense, is having Andrew accompany her to all kinds of touristy nonsense, like visits to famous monuments and museums and other tourist attractions.

At the moment, they are on a guided walking tour of a very vast, very famous botanical garden. The group of people on this guided walking tour consists of Andrew and Ulsa and many, many other people.

The garden employee functioning as the tour guide is a skinny blond woman named Kiki. Andrew finds her plain and annoying and unattractive.

Upon seeing Andrew for the first time at the beginning of the tour, Kiki said to herself: “Ooh. Kiki like.”

Andrew is very bored right now, but Ulsa is having a great time. She finds the plants in this garden interesting, and she is very happy to be accompanied by a handsome male companion who seems to share her interests.

Andrew notices someone else on the guided walking tour: a tall, shapely, pretty brunette woman. She is wearing dark sunglasses that are as dark as Andrew’s soul. She is wearing a shirt that outlines her chest. She is wearing shorts that reveal much of her long legs.

“Wow, the stems on this one are so long!” Ulsa says, talking about a nearby plant.

“Yes,” Andrew says, sneaking a glance at the sexy brunette woman’s legs. “So very, very long.”

The brunette woman is with a man who appears to be her boyfriend or husband. He seems to be having a great time, but the brunette woman looks very, very bored. She yawns, barely making any attempt to conceal it. Her complete disinterest in the garden makes her even more attractive to Andrew.

The brunette woman turns her head slightly and looks back at Andrew and smiles at him discreetly. Andrew discreetly smiles back.

Though neither Ulsa nor the sexy brunette woman’s male companion noticed this interaction, the female tour guide Kiki did. Kiki is brimming with jealousy and frustration.

A few minutes later, the brunette woman and Andrew both manage to discreetly sneak away from their respective companions and the rest of the tour group. Andrew and the brunette woman are now in an isolated part of the garden, far away from all other people.

The brunette woman says: “I’m Claudia.”

“I’m Andrew,” Andrew says. “Andrew Squervil.”

“Boring garden, isn’t it?” Claudia says.

“Yes,” Andrew says. “So very, very boring. If I have to listen to that tour guide describe any more plants as ‘a rare, exquisite specimen’, I think I might be sick. The only rare, exquisite specimen in this garden is you.”

“We must be discreet,” Claudia says.

“I can be discreet,” Andrew says.

They begin kissing each other.

Later, after they have completed their intimate encounter and have gotten dressed, Claudia says: “What we did was a horrible mistake.”

“I enjoyed it,” Andrew says.

“I don’t know what compelled me to do that,” Claudia says. “I’d never cheated on my husband before. That’s not the type of person I am.”

“It is now,” Andrew says.

“I have to tell him what I did with you,” Claudia says. “I have to confess.”

“Why?” Andrew says.

“Because the feeling of guilt I’m having is overwhelming,” Claudia says. “I can’t spend the rest of my life keeping this secret. I’m going to tell him what we did.”

“When are you planning to tell him?” Andrew says, suddenly concerned.

“I’m going to tell him as soon as I get back to the tour group,” Claudia says.

“No!” Andrew says. “You mustn’t!”

“Why not?” Claudia says.

“Because my rich girlfriend Ulsa is here with me in the garden!” Andrew says. “If you tell your husband about us while she’s nearby, there’s a chance she might find out about it.”

“So?” Claudia says. “What do I care if she finds out? That’s your problem, not mine.”

Andrew gets down on his knees before Claudia, in a begging position. “Please don’t do this,” he says.

For a moment, Claudia stares at Andrew, looking like she might actually take pity on him. Then, she kicks Andrew in the groin, then presses her foot against his face, pushing him into a nearby puddle of mud.

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Claudia says. “I’ll always remember our time together… as a horrible mistake that I’ll never forgive you for.”

Claudia runs away, in search of the guided tour group.

A few seconds later, Andrew gets up, still very much in pain. He begins running through the garden, trying to find his way back to the guided tour group.

Eventually, he finds the group. He sees Kiki the tour guide telling people all about a boring plant she is standing next to. He sees Ulsa listening to Kiki, very interested. He sees Claudia and her husband off to the side, having a private conversation. Claudia’s husband is looking increasingly enraged.

Andrew approaches Ulsa, intending to get her far, far away from Claudia and her husband before it’s too late.

Ulsa sees Andrew and says: “Oh, there you are, Andrew. Where have you been? Did you get lost?”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “Listen, Ulsa, I’m kind of hungry. Let’s leave this garden and go to a restaurant, okay?”

“But the tour is still in progress,” Ulsa says. “Why are you all muddy?”

“Because I fell in mud,” Andrew says. “I really would like it if we left this garden now, Ulsa. I’m really hungry. Can we please-”

Suddenly, Claudia’s husband runs up to Andrew and punches him in the face, causing him to fall to the ground.

“You follinucked my wife!” Claudia’s husband says.

He begins kicking Andrew in the face repeatedly.

“Is this true, Andrew?” Ulsa says, outraged.

“Yes, it’s true,” Claudia says, bored, looking at her nails, waiting for her husband to finish hurting Andrew.

Andrew becomes unconscious.

Later, he regains consciousness. Kiki is kneeling beside him, smiling cheerfully.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” Kiki says.

“Is he gone?” Andrew says.

“That man who was beating you mercilessly?” Kiki says. “Oh yes, he and his wife left a long time ago.”

“Where’s Ulsa?” Andrew says.

“The woman you came here with?” Kiki says. “She left a long time ago as well. All of the other people on the tour left. It’s just you and me here in this garden now. Oh, but before Ulsa left, she asked me to tell you that she hates you and does not want to ever see you again.”

Andrew has a terrible headache and feels very defeated.

“You’re not rich, are you?” Andrew says.

“No, not at all,” Kiki says.

“Oh,” Andrew says, feeling increasingly hopeless.

Kiki holds up a few banknotes, dangling them over Andrew’s head. It is a very small amount of money.

“Want this money?” Kiki says. “It can be all yours if you give me what I want, and I’ll pay you the same amount afterwards.”

Andrew gulps. He really needs that money, as he has major money problems. “What do I have to do for it?” he says.

“Whatever Kiki wants tonight!” Kiki says cheerfully.

Andrew gulps again. “Are you Kiki?” he says.

“Yes I am!” Kiki says cheerfully.

“Okay,” Andrew says, feeling even more defeated. “You win.”

“Whatever Kiki wants, Kiki gets!” Kiki says.

She begins kissing Andrew, much to his dismay. He misses Ulsa and Claudia already.

Advertisements