Two Islands

During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is sleeping in his crummy apartment. Andrew is having a dream.

Andrew’s dreams usually are about a hideous woman named Pustilla. However, in Andrew’s current dream, Pustilla doesn’t seem to be around.

In the dream, Andrew is swimming in an ocean. His destination is a nearby island. On the island’s beach, there are many, many beautiful women. They are all scantily clad and beckoning Andrew to come to them. Andrew is swimming toward them as fast as he can.

All of the beautiful women are ex-lovers of Andrew: Koila; Velaina; Lililalaya; Miona; Nella; Tabeeza; Fawna; Breea; Sindra; Riora; Mia; Jessica; Nolda; Zotica; Ashley; Tia; Gloria; Rena; Tresella; Catalina; Olga; Inna; Bellina; Ivonka; Tatiana; and many, many more.

Andrew arrives on the island, stepping out of the ocean and onto the beach. The beautiful women all run up to Andrew to greet him.

“You’re all here,” Andrew says. “You’re all here on this island.”

“Yes,” Velaina says. “We’re all here for you, Andrew Squervil.”

“We desire you and only you,” Tresella says.

Andrew is confused. In real life, all of these women despise him and/or want nothing to do with him anymore.

“I’m confused,” Andrew says. “Don’t you all despise me and/or want nothing to do with me anymore?”

“Those negative feelings we had toward you have passed,” Breea says. “Those feelings were eradicated by our hot, burning, scorching desire for you.”

To Riora, Andrew says: “So… you’re no longer angry with me for stealing your jewelry and then selling it?”

Riora says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew.”

To Koila, Andrew says: “And you’re no longer angry with me for cheating on you with your maid?”

Koila says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew.”

To Rena, Andrew says: “And you’re no longer angry with me for trying to defraud you?”

Rena says: “I’m no longer angry with you, Andrew. All of your past misdeeds have been forgiven. And not only that, but also, we all have adjusted our personalities to remove anything about us that you didn’t like. For example, I no longer feel compelled to compare you to other male lovers I’ve had, likening you to an extra-small carrot and likening them to extra-large zucchinis.”

“It always annoyed me when you did that,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer expect you to get a job to help pay for expenses,” Velaina says. “You can be unemployed as much as you like.”

“That’s great,” Andrew says. “The whole idea of me being employed has always repulsed and offended me.”

“And I no longer expect you to be faithful to me,” Koila says. “You can cheat on me as much as you want.”

“I’ve never liked monogamy,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer feel compelled to call you a loser,” Gloria says.

“That’s great,” Andrew says.

“And I no longer expect you to indulge me in my unusual preferences during our intimate encounters,” Nolda says. “Never again will I knee you in the groin, or whip you, or strap a harness to you and ride you like a horse.”

“I really didn’t like any of that,” Andrew says, remembering a time when Nolda leaned in to him as if she was going to kiss him, and then kneed him in the groin instead. “I only went along with it because I was trying to marry you to gain access to your wealth.”

“And I had my name legally changed so that I no longer have multiple surnames,” Tatiana says. “I am no longer ‘Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaysa Kruglyak Stefanescu’. Now, I am just ‘Tatiana’.”

“It really was a ridiculous amount of surnames,” Andrew says.

“And my teeth are no longer very sharp,” Sharon says.

“That’s great,” Andrew says.

“We’re all now exactly what you want us to be: interchangeable sources of pleasure who exist only to please you, Andrew Squervil,” Jessica says.

“This is all so wonderful,” Andrew says, tears welling up in his eyes.

“And we built a mansion for you to live in,” Bellina says.

“You did?” Andrew says.

“Yes, we did,” Ashley says. “And it contains a vault that is full of money, enough money to make you rich. That money is yours, Andrew.”

“So… I’m rich?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Tia says. “Unfortunately though, you’re not going to get to enjoy the money, or the mansion, or any of us.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “Why not?”

“Because it’s time for you to go back to where you came from; back to where you live: the other island,” Zotica says.

“What other island?” Andrew says.

“It’s a nearby island,” Ivonka says. “It’s very different from this island. On that island, there is no mansion for you to live in, nor is there any money for you, nor are there any beautiful women. Instead, there is a crummy apartment for you to live in, and you have major money problems, and you live in the apartment for free in exchange for being the plaything of your hideous, obese female landlord.”

“No!” Andrew says. “I don’t want any of that! I want to stay here with all of you!”

“Sorry, Andrew, but it’s out of our control,” Rena says, pointing to one of Andrew’s legs.

Andrew looks down and for the first time notices that one of his legs has a metal shackle locked on it, and that the shackle is attached to a long, metal chain. The chain extends off the island, into the ocean, the location of the chain’s other end unknown.

Suddenly, Andrew feels the chain being tugged, At first, the tugging of the chain is gentle, barely noticeable, but it is getting more powerful with each passing second.

“No!” Andrew says, trying to resist. “No, I want to stay here! I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!”

“You can’t,” Catalina says. “Every now and then, you might find your way back to us, but it will always be temporary. You’ll always end up back on that island.”

“Why?” Andrew says, being dragged away.

“Because you’re Andrew Squervil,” Sindra says.

As Andrew is pulled off the island and back into the ocean, the many, many beautiful, scantily clad women wave goodbye to him sadly.

Andrew continues to get pulled through the ocean, to his destination: the other island.

Now, with his head above water, still being pulled, Andrew sees this other island. On this island’s beach, there are multiple hideous women who Andrew has had intimate encounters with: Barbara; Andreea; Pustilla; Thona; Loika; Strinella; and many, many more. Thona is holding the other end of the chain, and is pulling Andrew closer and closer to the island via the chain. All of the hideous women are sneering cruelly at Andrew.

To the tune of a rock opera song, the hideous women all begin to sing lyrics that are a variation of lyrics that Andreea once sang to Andrew in real life:

“Andrew Squervil,

we want your body,

to satisfy our needs.

You will be,

inside of us,

forever doing carnal deeds.

You can’t escape,

from your fate,

and destiny’s decree.

You’re a loser,

and you’re trapped with us,

and you never will be free!”

Suddenly, Andrew wakes up. He is on his bed in his crummy apartment. Though he is awake, his nightmare is not over: sleeping next to him on the bed and snoring very loudly is his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew hates his life just as much as he hates his dreams.