During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil returns to his crummy apartment, having once again failed to con a rich woman into marriage to gain access to her wealth.
Much to Andrew’s relief, his disgusting, obese female landlord isn’t in his apartment. Often when he returns to his apartment, she is there on his bed, waiting for him to join her there. She has been letting Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes the arrangement, but has been going along with it, due to his major money problems.
Andrew begins looking through his newly received mail, which he obtained from his mailbox on his way back to his apartment. He sees an envelope with the logo of the Dibizbee Foundation on it. Andrew is very confused to be receiving anything from the Dibizbee Foundation, given his history with them.
The Dibizbee Foundation is a charitable foundation that Andrew tried to defraud out of a very large amount of money. He was unsuccessful and ended up in jail instead.
Andrew opens the envelope and takes out the within letter.
The letter says:
“Dear Mister Squervil,
I am writing to introduce myself. My name is Ashley Dibizbee, and I am a new member of the board of directors of the Dibizbee Foundation. From reviewing our records, it has come to my attention that your charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization, was being considered for a financial donation from the Dibizbee Foundation. It appears that our foundation’s communications with you mysteriously came to a mysterious halt and no such donation was ever given. At this time, the Dibizbee Foundation would like to resume our communications with you about a possible donation. With that in mind, I would like to invite you to spend a week with us at our foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, so we can have an opportunity to learn more about you and your wonderful organization. Please contact me at the phone number below so we can make the arrangements for your visit. I look forward to meeting you.
Andrew reads the letter again, confused.
Some time ago, Andrew began a quest to become rich. He planned to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, beautiful woman for her money. Initially, Andrew thought this would be easy. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. Which is ironic, as all of Andrew’s attempts to con a rich woman into marriage have ended in failure thus far.
As those failures began piling up, Andrew decided to utilize more than that one strategy to become rich. One other strategy he added to his repertoire was charity scams. He started attempting to become rich by defrauding a charitable foundation out of a very large amount of money, an amount so large that it would make Andrew rich. And that was why Andrew’s non-existent charitable organization, the Andrew Squervil Organization, had come into pseudo-existence. Andrew submitted donation requests to many, many charitable foundations in the hope that maybe just one of those foundations might be foolish enough to fall for his scam. For a very long time, Andrew did not receive a single response from any of the foundations. But then, one day he received a letter from the Dibizbee Foundation, inviting him to spend a week with them at their foundation’s headquarters, a mansion, so they could have an opportunity to learn more about him and his ‘wonderful organization’.
Andrew decided that if he was going to have any chance of defrauding this foundation, he would have to gain a better understanding of who he would be dealing with. So he went on to his computer and accessed the Dibizbee Foundation’s website.
While browsing the website, he came across a page containing the history of the Dibizbee Foundation, along with biographies and photographs of the foundation’s board of directors. The Dibizbee Foundation was founded by a very wealthy man named Bartholomew Dibizbee. He created the foundation as a gift for his rich wife, a former model named Rena Dibizbee. Though Bartholomew created the foundation, he was not a member of its board of directors, which consisted of his sexy blond wife, along with three other attractive women: Elaine, Sharon, and Francine.
Andrew went to the mansion of the Dibizbee Foundation for the week-long visit. While there, he met Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine. While there, he learned that Elaine and Sharon and Francine were all Bartholomew Dibizbee’s mistresses. While there, Andrew had numerous intimate encounters with Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine. On his last day in the mansion, his fraud was exposed. Rena Dibizbee and Elaine and Sharon and Francine pummeled Andrew mercilessly and then had him arrested.
So now, Andrew is confused. Who is Ashley? And how come she doesn’t seem to know about his past visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion? Wouldn’t the other members of the board of directors have told Ashley all about it?
Andrew goes on to his computer and accesses the Dibizbee Foundation’s website. He goes to the page that has biographies and photographs of the foundation’s board of directors. Much to his surprise, the page no longer has biographies and photographs of Rena Dibizbee, Elaine, Sharon, or Francine. Instead, there are biographies and photographs of four other attractive women: Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy. What is going on?
After some internal debate about whether to respond to Ashley’s letter, Andrew picks up his phone and calls Ashley to schedule a visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion.
A few days later, Andrew arrives at the mansion. He knocks on the mansion’s front door.
A shapely maid named Molly answers the door. Molly was the maid in the mansion during Andrew’s previous visit there.
Molly smiles sinisterly.
“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” she says.
“Molly, what is going on?” Andrew says. “What happened to the Dibizbee Foundation? What happened to Rena and Elaine and Sharon and Francine?”
“The Dibizbee Foundation has undergone a massive restructuring,” Molly says. “Mister Dibizbee got divorced from Rena. It was for the best for both of them. Rena now lives on a stud farm. She’s very happy there. Rena resigned from the Dibizbee Foundation. Elaine and Sharon and Francine all quit as well for various reasons, and they are also no longer Mister Dibizbee’s mistresses. Mister Dibizbee has four new mistresses: Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy. Mister Dibizbee made Ashley, Tia, Bonnie, and Stacy the new board of directors of the Dibizbee Foundation. The four mistresses all live in this mansion together. Mister Dibizbee visits them often, as you might imagine.”
“Is he here now?” Andrew says. He has never met the foundation’s founder, Bartholomew Dibizbee. He was not at the mansion during Andrew’s previous visit there. All Andrew really knows about the man is that he is very rich and shares Andrew’s preference for beautiful women.
“No, Mister Dibizbee won’t be around this week… fortunately for you, Andrew Squervil,” Molly says.
“Why is the foundation considering me for a donation again?” Andrew says. “Don’t they know the Andrew Squervil Organization isn’t a real charity? Don’t they know about my previous visit to this mansion?”
“No, they don’t know about any of that,” Molly says. “Before the four new board members joined the foundation, I removed all the information in the foundation’s files detailing your past encounter with the Dibizbee Foundation. The most recent information in our files was a note about how you called Rena to schedule a visit in response to her letter. As far as the new board members know, that visit was never scheduled and you’ve never been inside this mansion before.”
“You didn’t tell them?” Andrew says.
“Of course not,” Molly says. “This is a second chance for you to defraud the foundation out of a very large amount of money… and if you get that money, I expect you to give me half of it. If you don’t, I will expose you as the fraud that you are, and you’ll be arrested again.”
“Of course,” Andrew says bitterly, remembering his dislike of Molly, despite her hot body.
Molly lets Andrew into the mansion and escorts him to the mansion’s parlor. In the parlor are the four beautiful women that currently make up the Dibizbee Foundation’s board of directors: Ashley, Bonnie, Tia, and Stacy.
“Hello, Andrew Squervil,” they all say in unison.
Andrew’s week-long visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion plays out very similar to his previous week-long visit to the Dibizbee Foundation’s mansion: secret affairs with each woman to gain favor with her; an absurd amount of intimate encounters with each woman at different times, which is at first enjoyable for Andrew and then torturous and exhausting; lots of meaningless chatter; and bogus stories about the Andrew Squervil Organization meant to move the board members into feeling more compelled to donate as much money as possible to Andrew.
Now it is Andrew’s last day in the mansion, and it is almost time for him to leave. It is also almost time for him to be officially informed whether the Dibizbee Foundation has decided to give a donation to the Andrew Squervil Organization. He is standing in the mansion’s absurdly large vestibule. Ashley and Tia and Bonnie and Stacy are also in the vestibule, all apparently unaware that they have been sharing Andrew with each other all week. Molly is also in the vestibule, feather-dusting various pieces of furniture in the room.
Ashley is holding an expensive-looking envelope. She and the other three foundation board members are looking at Andrew as if they are each very pleased with him.
“Andrew Squervil, on behalf of the Dibizbee Foundation, I hereby award the Andrew Squervil Organization with this very generous financial donation,” Ashley says.
She hands the envelope to Andrew.
Andrew’s eyes are watering. He has suffered so much, but now it seems like it was all worth it. “Thank you, Ashley,” he says. “Thank you, all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this gift will help my charitable organization reach its goals.”
Andrew opens the envelope and takes out its content: a check from the Dibizbee Foundation, made out to the Andrew Squervil Organization. The check is co-signed by Ashley and Tia and Bonnie and Stacy, and also has their lipstick imprints on it. On the check, in the space for the financial amount, it says: “Zero”.
“‘Zero’?” Andrew says. “‘Zero’?!”
Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie and Molly all laugh cruelly at Andrew in unison.
“That’s right,” Ashley says. “Nothing for you, Andrew Squervil.”
“What is this?” Andrew says. “Is this some kind of a joke?”
“Yes,” Tia says. “We’ve known all along about your previous encounter with the Dibizbee Foundation, and your failed attempt to to defraud the foundation.”
“I didn’t remove anything from the foundation’s files, Andrew,” Molly says. “I lied to you about that.”
“Why?” Andrew says. “What was the point of inviting me here and deceiving me like this?”
“I can explain,” Bonnie says.
Bonnie opens a nearby closet. In the closet is a very large box. The box has a logo imprinted on it. The logo is that of a company that sells condoms. Underneath the logo, the words “EXTRA-SMALL CONDOMS” are imprinted on the box in very big letters. Imprinted on the box underneath those words is an anthropomorphic cartoon condom who is smiling and winking and saying via a word balloon: “It’ll be our ‘little’ secret!'”.
“I ordered a box of condoms in preparation for Mister Dibizbee’s next visit to the mansion,” Bonnie says. “Unfortunately, I accidentally ordered the wrong size. Mister Dibizbee uses extra-large condoms.”
“Yes,” Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Molly all say in unison, as if they each have intimate personal knowledge of this fact.
“And unfortunately, the extra-small condoms I erroneously purchased were non-refundable,” Bonnie says. “But then I remembered Rena’s detailed notes about her intimate encounters with you that are in the foundation’s files… and I realized that there was a way we could get some use out of these erroneously purchased extra-small condoms. So we invited you to the mansion.”
“That’s why you invited me here?!” Andrew says. “To get some use out of a box of condoms?!”
“Yes,” Stacy says. “It’s a policy of the foundation to make as much use as it can out of its available resources.”
“But now all of the extra-small condoms have been used up, so we no longer have any use for you, Andrew Squervil,” Tia says.
Andrew throws down the check and the envelope, enraged. “You bimbos have all cheated me!” he says.
Andrew walks over to the door to the outside, eager to get far, far away from the Dibizbee Foundation. He tries to open the door, but it’s locked. He attempts to unlock the door, but it requires a key.
“It requires a key, Andrew,” Molly says. “A key I have in my pocket.”
“Let me out of here!” Andrew says.
“Molly, please call the police and arrange for them to come here and arrest Andrew for trying to defraud the foundation again,” Ashley says.
“Of course, Ashley,” Molly says, sneering. “But you’ll have to forcefully keep him here until the police arrive.”
Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie all nod in agreement.
Molly takes a phone out of her pocket and begins to make a call with it.
Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie begin approaching Andrew. Before he can process what is about to happen, Bonnie kicks him in the groin with one of her sharp-stiletto-heeled feet, causing him to fall to the ground in agony. Ashley and Tia and Stacy and Bonnie proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.