Horrible Multi-day Employee Retreat – Part 3

During an afternoon, in a building that is the headquarters of a corporation that manufactures and sells popular honey products, a low-level employee named Nerwin is sitting in his cubicle and toiling away on a boring project.

A sleazy, handsome, male co-worker named Thad enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Nerwin dislikes Thad, though Thad is oblivious to that dislike. Thad is having office affairs with numerous attractive female co-workers. Nerwin is very envious of Thad.

“Hi, Nerwin!” Thad says.

“Hi, Thad,” Nerwin says.

“So the multi-day employee retreat starts tomorrow,” Thad says.

“I know,” Nerwin says.

“I’m really looking forward to it,” Thad says. “Are you?”

“I’m not going,” Nerwin says.

“What?!” Thad says. “Why not?”

“Milana is going to be there,” Nerwin says.

“So?” Thad says.

“So, because of you, she despises me, and she told me that if she sees me at the retreat, she’s going to subject me to a world of suffering,” Nerwin says.

“I’m sure she was just exaggerating,” Thad says. “You have to come to the retreat!”

“What do you care whether I go?” Nerwin says.

“I need you there,” Thad says. “All of the female co-workers I’m currently having office affairs with will be there, and I’m going to need your help in carrying on my affairs and keeping them from finding out that I’m cheating on them with each other. And I need you to keep Delila distracted as well.”

Delila is the corporation’s owner and president. She is a very beautiful woman. Nerwin is very infatuated with her. She is madly infatuated with Thad.

“What’s going on between you and Delila?” Nerwin says. “You’re not having an office affair with her as well?”

“No,” Thad says. “I was planning on doing that, but then I saw this video on the internet that really inspired me to think differently. The video was of a dog and its owner. In the video, the owner was holding a tasty treat above the dog, out of its reach. And the dog was salivating and desperately trying to reach the treat. And then the owner started commanding the dog to do different tricks, like rolling over and barking. And the dog desperately did every single trick it was asked to do, as if it believed that it would get the treat if it did whatever the owner commanded. The owner eventually gave the dog the treat, but if he didn’t, the dog would’ve kept on doing whatever it could to please its owner. I realized that I could have the same type of relationship with Delila, and get so much more out of her that way.”

After staring at Thad for several seconds, Nerwin says: “Let me see if I understand this correctly: in this analogy, Delila is a dog, and you’re the dog’s owner?”

“And I’m also the tasty treat being kept out of her reach forever,” Thad says.

“You’re a horrible person,” Nerwin says.

Thad laughs, as if he thinks Nerwin is joking.

Delila enters Nerwin’s cubicle. She is carrying a plate with a slice of cream pie on it.

“What’s so funny?” she says cheerfully.

“Oh, we were just talking about a stupid, ridiculous woman,” Thad says cheerfully. He winks at Nerwin mischievously.

“Oh, do I know her?” Delila says.

“Maybe,” Thad says. “Where’d you get the slice of cream pie?”

“I made the cream pie and brought it in from home,” Delila says. “I was just heading to your cubicle to bring you this slice.”

“That looks really delicious,” Thad says.

“It is delicious,” Delila says. “It’s really tasty.”

“It looks tasty,” Thad says.

She sticks her finger into the pie and then holds her cream-covered finger out to Thad.

“Have a taste,” Delila says.

Thad begins licking Delila’s finger, while Nerwin watches miserably.

“It’s so tasty,” Thad says.

“So tasty,” Delila says.

“So very tasty,” Thad says.

“Oh yeah,” Delila says. “Really tasty.”

She then says to Thad: “I’ll leave the rest of this slice in your cubicle. And if you want more later, the rest of the pie is in my office. Come to my office later if you want to taste my pie.”

She winks at him. Thad winks back at her.

Delila exits the cubicle and walks away.

Thad turns back to Nerwin and says: “See what I mean? She would never have made me a cream pie if I’d had carnal intercourse with her.”

“I really have to get back to work now, Thad,” Nerwin says.

“Fine,” Thad says. “But you’re coming to the retreat, right?”

“I told you already that I’m not,” Nerwin says. “I want to avoid Milana’s wrath. So I’m not going.”

“Okay,” Thad says. “Well, some of us are going out tonight after work to the tavern across the street to have some drinks together. Do you want to come?”

Softening, Nerwin says: “Okay, sure.”

“Great!” Thad says.

The next day, Nerwin wakes up in a strange room. He does not know where he is. The room appears to be some type of closet. The last thing he remembers is drinking an alcoholic beverage that Thad bought for him in the tavern last night.

Nerwin exits the room. He is now standing on the deck of a gigantic cruise ship. The ship is in an ocean, traveling somewhere. There is no land anywhere in sight. On the ship are many, many people. Nerwin recognizes many of them: co-workers at the corporation. They are all standing around, relaxing and socializing.

Nerwin sees Thad coming toward him.

“Hey, buddy!” Thad says. “You’re finally awake!”

“Where am I?” Nerwin says. “What did you do to me?”

Thad says cheerfully: “You’re on the cruise ship that’s taking all of us to the resort island where the multi-day employee retreat is to occur. I put a sedative in that drink I gave you last night and then smuggled you onto the cruise ship while you were unconscious. I figured it would be easier to do that than spending the whole evening trying to convince you to come to the retreat.”

“You drugged me?!” Nerwin says.

“Oh, don’t be so outraged,” Thad says. “I did you a favor. You’re going to have a great time on this retreat.”

“I don’t even have any luggage!” Nerwin says. “What am I supposed to do, wear the clothes I have on every single day?”

“Oh, you’ll figure something out,” Thad says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to manage of my office affairs… if you know what I mean.” He winks at Nerwin mischievously, then walks over to a beautiful female co-worker. He then turns back to Nerwin and says incorrectly: “Trust me, you’re going to have a great time on this retreat!”

Suddenly, Nerwin feels someone tapping him on the shoulder roughly. He gulps, somehow already knowing that it’s Milana. He turns around and looks up at her. She looks furious.

“I warned you to not come to the retreat,” she says.

Milana proceeds to subject Nerwin to misery.

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