During an evening, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go out for the night. Andrew is planning to visit a nightclub that he knows is frequently populated with rich, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish that goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman, thereby gaining access to her wealth. Andrew hopes to meet such a woman in the nightclub tonight.
Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of Andrew’s attempts to con a rich woman into marriage have ended in failure.
Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. Andrew goes to answer the door, hoping that the person at the door is not his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in his apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew is not in the mood to give her any ‘rent payments’. Andrew is never in the mood to give her any ‘rent payments’.
Andrew answers the door. Much to his surprise, the hideous female landlord is not standing before him. Instead, standing before him is a stunningly beautiful woman from his past named Lililalaya.
Lililalaya is a very rich, very famous celebrity. She is a supermodel and an actress and a songstress. She is also the object of desire in many, many men’s fantasies.
Andrew’s first encounter with Lililalaya occurred in a tavern one night. At the time, Lililalaya was wearing a wig, to disguise herself from the public. Despite the wig, Andrew recognized her. He approached her at the bar and introduced himself to her, attempting to seduce her. Lililalaya quickly figured out that Andrew is a sleazy loser, but luckily for Andrew, having intimate encounters with sleazy losers is one of her favorite pastimes. Later that night, in a hotel room, Andrew and Lililalaya had an intimate encounter. Afterwards, Andrew tried to blackmail Lililalaya for a large amount of money. Unfortunately for Andrew, his blackmail scheme failed. Instead of getting any money from Lililalaya, he was electrocuted by her via her stun gun, and then pummeled mercilessly by Lililalaya’s personal assistant, a tall, very muscular woman named Dominica.
Many of Andrew’s misadventures have ended with him being pummeled mercilessly.
“Lililalaya?” Andrew says.
“Hello, Andrew,” Lililalaya says.
“What are you doing here?” Andrew says.
“I’m here to see you,” Lililalaya says. “I’ve gone through great lengths to locate you. I’ve thought about you often since the night of our intimate encounter. Before that night, and since that night, I’ve had many, many lovers, but I now realize that none of them were as good a lover as you, Andrew. You truly are the greatest lover I’ve ever had. And for that reason, I want to have permanent, ongoing access to your body.”
“What are you proposing?” Andrew says.
“I want to get married to you,” Lililalaya says. “Will you marry me, Andrew Squervil?”
Andrew is worried that this all might be just a dream. He certainly wouldn’t be the first man to have a dream about Lililalaya, one of the most desirable women in the universe.
But it’s not a dream. It’s real.
“This must be some kind of trick,” Andrew says. “You’re tricking me, aren’t you? To get back at me for trying to blackmail you?”
“No, it’s not a trick,” Lililalaya says.
“I’m not convinced,” Andrew says.
“Perhaps this will convince you,” Lililalaya says.
She wraps her arms around Andrew’s neck and kisses him.
The taste of Lililalaya’s lips somehow removes all doubt from Andrew’s mind.
“Yes,” he says. “I will marry you.”
“Great,” Lililalaya says. “Let’s seal the deal with an intimate encounter. But not here. This whole apartment building is disgusting. Let’s go to my mansion… which will soon be ‘our mansion’.”
Later, in the master bedroom of Lililalaya’s mansion, Andrew and Lililalaya are laying on Lililalaya’s gigantic bed, having just completed an intimate encounter.
“That was great,” Lililalaya says.
“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says. “So when are we going to get married?”
“In one month from now,” Lililalaya says. “We have a lot of planning to do for this wedding. I want it to be a monstrously lavish event with a ridiculous amount of guests. And I want a film crew to be there.”
“A film crew?” Andrew says.
“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “I want them to film the entire wedding event for a documentary I want to release on television. The documentary will be called Lililalaya Gets Married.”
“That sounds great,” Andrew says, thinking about how his marriage to Lililalaya will make him famous, and therefore more desirable to women he wants to seduce.
“So who do you want to invite to the wedding?” Lililalaya says.
“I don’t know,” Andrew says. “No one, I guess.”
“Really?” Lililalaya says. “I’m going to invite lots of people: my friend Zarlena; my friend Nicole; my friend Naomi; my personal assistant Dominica; my other personal assistant Leonardo; and all of my enemies.”
“Why would you invite your enemies to your wedding?” Andrew says.
“To rub my happiness in their faces,” Lililalaya says. “Surely, you’re going to invite your enemies too, aren’t you?”
“I haven’t really thought about it,” Andrew says.
“You must invite your enemies!” Lililalaya says. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you! Even if they don’t attend the wedding, just receiving the wedding invitations will make them jealous and resentful of you.”
“That’s an excellent point,” Andrew says. “Okay, I’ll do it! But I have a lot of enemies, and I might have trouble locating some of their current addresses for the mailing of the invitations.”
“I’ll have my personal assistants Dominica and Leonardo help you with that,” Lililalaya says. “They will be completely at your disposal.”
“Wonderful,” Andrew says.
He stares up at the ceiling of Lililalaya’s bedroom, feeling very satisfied. I deserve all this, he thinks.
Over the next few weeks, invitations to Andrew and Lililalaya’s wedding are sent to various people from Andrew’s past, including but not limited to: Koila; Velaina; Pustilla; Martin Pimbly; Karl; Ursula; Darlene; Vora; Clora; Keeka; Miona; Nella; Fawna; Tabeeza; Prettia; Igbert; Londra; Ilgana; Gloria; Minga; Riora; Yelena; Vlik; Zotica; Sofia; Tartana; Gwendola; Breea; Sindra Spindler; Lauren; Annette; Jan; Mindy; Julia; Lethelia; Tresella; Strinella; Thona; Sara Sentera; Samantha Sentera; Sabrina Sentera; Sandra Sentera; Selena Sentera; Simona Sentera; Sonya Sentera; Severia Sentera; Sustranna Sentera; Ivonka Keibler; Olga; Inna; Duncan; Barbara; Andreea; Rena Dibizbee; Molly; Elaine; Sharon; Francine; Jessica; Grock; Tracey Blerp; Georgina; Sheila; Vanessa; Troy Martel; Patricia Fershteyn; Bellina; Catalina; Debra; Mia; Endara; Johaxtra; Dana; Vonda; and Tatiana Ouliankina Shereshevskaya Kruglyak Stefanescu.
On the day of the wedding, Andrew and Lililalaya and Dominica and Leonardo are standing in the gigantic stadium where the wedding is scheduled to occur later today. The stadium is decorated to appear appropriate for a monstrously lavish wedding.
“This all looks great,” Lililalaya says. “When do we start letting the guests into the stadium?”
“In two hours,” Leonardo says.
“What is the status of the invitation responses?” Andrew says.
“All of the people Lililalaya invited have responded that they will be in attendance,” Dominica says, trying to conceal her hatred for Andrew Squervil. “Nearly all of the people Andrew invited have responded that they will be in attendance. Keeka’s friend Miona advised me that Keeka will not be able to attend the wedding, as Keeka is currently confined to a zoo cage.”
“What about Eternia?” Andrew says, referring to one of his ex-lovers. “Were you ever able to locate Eternia?”
“No,” Dominica says.
“A lot of people who will be in attendance tonight really hate me,” Andrew says. “I’m concerned that many of them might try to attack me. Perhaps it would be best if there was some kind of barrier between us and the audience tonight.”
“Don’t worry, Andrew,” Lililalaya says. “There will be several dozen security guards between us and the audience tonight.”
“It’s all really finally coming together, isn’t it?” Andrew says.
“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “It is. You’re finally getting the happy ending you deserve, Andrew Squervil.”
Lililalaya and Andrew kiss each other for a very long time.
Later that day, all of the guests have arrived and are sitting in the stadium. On a stage in the center of the stadium are Andrew and Lililalaya and Dominica and a minister and a film crew. The stage is surrounded by many, many security guards. Andrew feels very secure. The film crew is filming the proceedings.
“Let’s begin, shall we?” the minister says.
“Yes,” Lililalaya says. “Let’s.”
Soon I will be rich, Andrew thinks.
The minister, speaking into a microphone that allows him to be heard through the loudspeakers throughout the stadium, says: “Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming to this joyous event: the wedding of Lililalaya and Andrew Squervil.”
In response to the mention of Andrew’s name, many, many people begin booing loudly.
Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Andrew Squervil, do you agree to become Lililalaya’s husband, thereby making you rich and thereby giving you ongoing access to Lililalaya’s ultra-sexy body?”
“Yes,” Andrew says, speaking into the microphone. “I agree.”
The booing in the audience is getting louder and angrier, as if the angry audience members want to tear Andrew to pieces.
Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Lililalaya, do you agree to become Andrew’s wife, thereby giving him permanent access to your wealth and ongoing access to your ultra-sexy body?”
“Yes,” Lililalaya says, speaking into the microphone. “I agree.”
Speaking into the microphone, the minister says: “Then, by the power invested in me, I declare that you, Andrew Squervil… HAVE JUST BEEN LILILALAYA’D!”
Suddenly, Dominica comes up behind Andrew and pours a bucket of slime on his head. Lililalaya laughs at Andrew mockingly.
“What?!” Andrew says. “I don’t understand! What is happening?”
“This has all been a hoax, Andrew,” Lililalaya says. “The minister is not a real minister. He’s just an actor I hired. And there isn’t going to be any documentary called Lililalaya Gets Married. This film crew here is actually filming the first episode of a new television show I’m hosting called Lililalaya’d. In the show, I play cruel pranks on deserving victims. I call it getting Lililalaya’d. And you’re my first victim, Andrew Squervil!”
“You’ve just been Lililalaya’d!” the fake minister says again.
“So we’re not getting married?!” Andrew says.
Lililalaya laughs cruelly. “No, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “I would never get married to a sleazy loser like you. Now, it’s time for you to get off my stage. Dominica?”
Dominica grabs Andrew and throws him off the stage, into the audience, which includes many, many people who hate Andrew Squervil: scorned ex-lovers; men whose wives had been seduced by Andrew; people Andrew had stolen from; people whose lives had been ruined by Andrew; etcetera.
Speaking into the microphone, Lililalaya says: “Attention, everyone! As you may realize by now, I’m not going to get married to Andrew Squervil. Also, I’m hereby ordering my security guards to cease protecting Andrew from your wrath. So if any of you people in the audience want to pummel Andrew mercilessly, feel free to do so.”
Many, many people in the audience proceed to collectively pummel Andrew mercilessly, while Lililalaya and many, many other people look on, amused.