Ultimate Wrestling Challenge

During an afternoon, while a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, he hears someone knock on his apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer the door, hoping the person at the door isn’t his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew is not in the mood to make any ‘rent payments’ to her. Andrew is never in the mood to make any ‘rent payments’ to her.

Andrew answers the door. Much to his surprise, the person standing before him is not his hideous female landlord. Instead, a stunning beautiful woman from his past named Jessica is standing there. Standing next to Jessica is a very large, very muscular man from Andrew’s past named Grock. Jessica is a professional model. Grock is a professional wrestler. During Andrew’s previous encounter with Grock and Jessica, Grock was Jessica’s boyfriend. During Andrew’s previous encounter with Grock and Jessica, Grock pummeled Andrew mercilessly after catching Jessica cheating on Grock with Andrew. Andrew had bruises for many, many days after that.

“Hello, Andrew,” Jessica says, speaking in her ultra-sexy voice.

“Hello, Andrew,” Grock says.

“Please, please don’t hurt me again,” Andrew says, speaking to Grock. “I didn’t know she was your girlfriend. I really didn’t know!”

Grock places his hand on Andrew’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Andrew,” Grock says. “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to apologize to you.”

“What?!” Andrew says. “Apologize? To me?”

“That’s correct,” Jessica says. “After that day that Grock pummeled you mercilessly, he and I started seeing a relationship therapist to help us with our problems. Grock has had some major breakthroughs in therapy: he now realizes it was entirely his fault that I cheated on him with you. Isn’t that right, Grock?”

“Yes, it’s true,” Grock says. “If I had been a better boyfriend, Jessica wouldn’t have cheated on me like she did.”

“And now he is a better boyfriend, so I will never cheat on him again,” Jessica says.

“I’m sorry I attacked you, Andrew,” Grock says. “I feel really bad about that now. And I want to make it up to you. I’ve been talking with Jessica about it, and she suggested a great idea for how I could make amends. Let me explain it to you over lunch in a restaurant.”

“Sure,” Andrew says, still faintly worried that Grock is going to hit him at any moment.

Later, Andrew and Jessica and Grock are sitting at a table in a restaurant, having lunch.

“Thanks for buying me lunch,” Andrew says.

“My pleasure,” Grock says. “Now let me tell you how I’m going to make amends with you for pummeling you mercilessly: I’m going to make you rich.”

Andrew is intrigued. He has been trying to become rich for a while now, failing to do so each and every time. “How so?” he says.

“As you know, I’m a professional wrestler,” Grock says. “And as you know, I’m the current champion of the wrestling organization I’m a member of. That organization has an annual event called the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. In the event, the organization allows one layperson, a non-wrestler, to have a wrestling match with the organization’s champion. If the layperson wins the match, the organization gives the layperson a prize: a very, very large amount of money.”

“How much money?” Andrew says.

“Enough money to make a person rich,” Grock says. “This year’s Ultimate Wrestling Challenge is taking place next week. I’m going to arrange for you to be my layperson opponent.”

“‘Andrew versus Grock’,” Jessica says, as if the thought of Andrew wrestling Grock is turning her on.

“And I’m going to let you win, Andrew,” Grock says. “You’ll get the prize money and you’ll become rich.”

“Why would you do that for me?” Andrew says.

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Grock says. “At least, I think it is. My therapist and Jessica both think it is. And they both know best.”

“Yes, we do know best,” Jessica says. “So will you do it, Andrew Squervil? Will you do the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge?”

“Sure,” Andrew says. “That sounds great!”

“Great!” Grock says. “Andrew, I think this is the beginning of a great friendship between us.”

“I think so too,” Andrew says, while Jessica’s foot is rubbing up again him underneath the table, unbeknownst to Grock.

Several days later, in the afternoon, while Andrew is in his apartment, someone knocks on the apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer the door, hoping to not see his hideous female landlord, who already stopped by twice today, much to his dismay.

Andrew answers the door. Standing before him is a tall, muscular woman. Andrew finds her attractive.

“Hello,” Andrew says. “Who are you?”

“My name is Vonda,” the woman says. “I’m Grock’s personal trainer. Grock told me about the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge and that he’s planning to lose to you on purpose. You need to back out of doing the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge.”

“Why would I ever back out of doing it?” Andrew says. “It’s going to make me rich.”

“If you let Grock lose to you, his wrestling career will be completely ruined,” Vonda says. “No layperson has ever won the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. No layperson has ever been expected to win the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge. That’s why the wrestling organization is willing to put up so much money for the prize: because they know that no layperson could really defeat their champion in a wrestling match. If Grock loses to you, his career will be over. He’ll become a joke. No one in the wrestling industry will respect him anymore or want anything more to do with him.”

“Why do you care if Grock’s career is ruined?” Andrew says.

“I’ve been Grock’s personal trainer since he started his wrestling career,” Vonda says. “But I’m not just his personal trainer. I’m his friend. I want what’s best for him. But Grock has been on a downward trajectory ever since he became involved with that slut Jessica.”

Andrew, who is trying to seduce Vonda, says: “You’re jealous of Jessica, aren’t you?”

Vonda flinches, as if Andrew’s statement stung her. Then she says: “Grock is… Grock is a wonderful man… with a wonderful body. He has a truly fantastic physique that only a personal trainer like myself can truly appreciate. For years, Grock and I would have flirtatious conversations with each other. It seemed like it was only a matter of time before Grock and I became carnally involved with each other. He’s all I ever wanted. And I know I was so close to getting what I wanted. One night, as Grock was getting ready for a wresting match he was about to have, I invited him to come to my apartment after the match. I told him that I would have a very special surprise for him. That special surprise was going to be me in very revealing lingerie.”

“So what happened?” Andrew says, imagining Vonda in very revealing lingerie.

“That night, while Grock was having his wrestling match in a crowded arena, he noticed a stunningly beautiful woman in the front row,” Vonda says.

“Jessica?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Vonda says. “I was in the arena that night as well. I saw Grock’s reaction to Jessica when he first saw her. He was instantly mesmerized by her pretty face and curvaceous body. I knew I had lost him. After the match, he left the arena with her, and she’s been a bad influence on him ever since. She’s not right for him. Grock deserves someone better.”

“Like you?” Andrew says.

“I would treat Grock well,” Vonda says. “And I would never cheat on him, like Jessica did.”

“Grock and Jessica love each other,” Andrew says. “You need to forget about your feelings for Grock and move on… just like I need to forget about my feelings for Jessica and move on.”

“You… love Jessica?” Vonda says.

“Yes,” Andrew says, lying. “But she loves Grock, so I need to move on. You and I both need to move on. Perhaps we can help each other move on. Would you like to come inside and have a drink?”

“I…” Vonda says. “Okay.”

Later, Andrew and Vonda are laying on the bed in Andrew’s apartment, having just completed an intimate encounter.

“That was wonderful,” Vonda says.

“I enjoyed it too,” Andrew says. “Now get out of my apartment.”

“What?!” Vonda says. “You want me to leave?”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “I’ve gotten what I wanted from you.”

“But I thought you and I were going to help each other move on!” Vonda says. “I thought you were a nice guy!”

“I was just pretending to care,” Andrew says. “Deceiving you.”

“You don’t even love Jessica, do you?” Vonda says.

“No, but I really, really like her body,” Andrew says. “Incidentally, Jessica has resumed cheating on Grock with me. She was here yesterday, and she invited me to stop by her house later today.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Vonda says. “Aren’t you afraid I’ll tell Grock?”

“You won’t tell Grock,” Andrew says. “Because you know that Grock would never believe you. He would assume that it’s nothing more than ‘pathetic, jealous Vonda telling lies’.”

“You’re a monster!” Vonda says. “I hate you so much!”

She gets out of the bed and gets dressed. Then she leaves the apartment.

Andrew smiles sinisterly. Soon I will be rich, he thinks.

A few days later, on the night that the Ultimate Wrestling Challenge is to occur, Andrew and Grock and Jessica and Vonda are in the arena where Andrew and Grock’s wrestling match is to occur. At the moment, the four of them are backstage together. Jessica has her arm around Grock, like a loving girlfriend. Vonda is staring at the ground, sullen.

Grock says to Andrew: “So here’s how it’s all going to happen, Andrew: first you’re going to come out to the wrestling ring while the announcer says your name to the audience; then I’m going to come out to the wrestling ring while the announcer says my name to the audience; then after we’re both in the wrestling ring, a gigantic steel cage is going to be lowered from the ceiling.”

“A steel cage?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Grock says. “It’s done for dramatic effect. The cage will be lowered down so that it completely encases the wrestling ring, trapping us both inside. It’s to make the audience feel like you’re in deep trouble; that there’s no way you can escape being pummeled mercilessly by me. Of course, they don’t know what you and I know about what’s really going to happen tonight.”

Grock winks mischievously at Andrew.

Andrew smiles at Grock, thinking about how funny it is that just a few hours ago, Andrew was having a secret intimate encounter with Jessica.

“So then, after the cage is lowered, a bell will be rung, signifying the start of the match,” Grock says. “I’ll start running toward you like I’m going to pulverize you, but then I’m going to pretend to trip and twist my ankle. I’m going to fall to the ground and grab my ankle as if I’m in pain. Then you’re going to cover my body with your body. The referee will count to three and then declare you the winner. And then you’ll be given the prize money.”

A few minutes later, Andrew and Grock are standing in the wrestling ring, surrounded by a massive audience. The gigantic steel cage is lowered from the ceiling, encasing the wrestling ring, trapping Andrew and Grock inside it.

Andrew sees Vonda and Jessica standing a few inches outside the cage. Jessica looks pensive, as if she’s worried about something.

Suddenly, Jessica presses up against the cage and says: “Grock, don’t do it! I changed my mind! This is a bad idea! Losing to Andrew will ruin your career! I love you, and I want you to continue being successful! You must defeat Andrew Squervil!”

“What?!” Andrew says.

A bell is rung, signifying the start of the match.

“Pummel him mercilessly, Grock!” Jessica says.

“Yes, smash his face, Grock!” Vonda says.

“But… I can’t do that to Andrew!” Grock says. “He’s my friend! I would never hurt him again!”

“He’s not your friend, Grock!” Jessica says. “This past week, Andrew seduced me, multiple times!”

“WHAT?!” Grock says, furious.

“Uh-oh,” Andrew says.

“I cheated on you with Andrew again, multiple times!” Jessica says. “I’m so sorry, and we’ll go back to our therapist tomorrow to work on our problems, but for now, you must take your revenge on Andrew Squervil!”

“Oh no,” Andrew says. He wants to run away from Grock, but he can’t escape, as he’s trapped within the steel cage. The last thing he sees before Grock grabs him is Vonda’s smirking face.

Grock pummels Andrew for a very, very long time.

Then Grock covers Andrew with Grock’s body. The referee counts to three, then declares Grock the winner. Andrew has once again failed to become rich.

Grock immediately resumes pummeling Andrew mercilessly.