During an afternoon, a sleazy, handsome man with major money problems named Andrew Squervil is in his crummy apartment, getting ready to go out. Andrew intends to go to a gym that he knows is frequently populated with rich, beautiful, single women. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He intends to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. He hopes to meet such a woman today, at the gym.
Seducing women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at. However, for some reason, thus far, all of his attempts to marry a rich woman for her money have ended in failure.
Someone knocks on the front door of Andrew’s apartment. Andrew goes to answer the door, hoping that it is anyone but his hideous, obese female landlord Barbara. Barbara has been letting Andrew live in the apartment for free in exchange for being her plaything. Andrew loathes Barbara and dreads her visits to his apartment. He has only been going along with the arrangement because of his major money problems.
Andrew opens the apartment’s front door. The person standing before him is not Barbara but a different hideous woman. She is stocky and has dark hair and a humorless face and is wearing eyeglasses that are somehow menacing.
“Who are you?” Andrew says, annoyed by the woman’s physical unattractiveness.
“My name is Andreea,” the woman says.
“You look familiar,” Andrew says. “Have we met before?”
“No,” Andreea says. “But you may have seen me on television. I’m a part-time rock opera singer, and I do a weekly segment on the local news show called ‘The Rock Opera News’. In the segment, I sing about local news items to the tune of rock opera songs.”
“That sounds horrible,” Andrew says. “Why are you here?”
“Barbara is a friend of mine,” Andreea says. “She’s away on a month-long trip, so I’m doing her the favor of handling all her landlord duties while she’s away.”
“So?” Andrew says, increasingly annoyed by this woman and her plain, chubby face, which reminds him of a potato for some reason.
“So I’m here to collect your rent payment,” Andreea says.
Andrew laughs mockingly. “Silly, silly Andreea,” he says. “I don’t pay any rent for this apartment. Barbara lets me live here for free. So you’re mistaken. So go away.”
He begins to close the door, but Andreea stops the door from closing with one of her fat hands.
“No, you’re the one who’s mistaken, Andrew Squervil,” she says. “Barbara told me all about you and all about the arrangement you have with her. And since I’m the acting landlord, I’ll be the one receiving your ‘rent payments’ while Barbara is away. And I intend to receive these ‘payments’ from you frequently and often while Barbara is away. It’s going to be a long month, Andrew Squervil.”
Andrew gulps, slowly backing away in horror.
Andreea enters the apartment, walking toward him. “I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time,” she says. “And I wrote a song to commemorate this moment.”
Suddenly, Andreea begins singing, as if to the tune of a rock opera song:
I want your body,
and you will be mine.
Your failures and defeats,
keeping you in this apartment,
should be taken as a sign.
You can’t escape,
from your fate,
and destiny’s decree.
Because you’re a loser,
you need to live here,
which means you will be in me!”
She stops singing and says: “You’re mine, Andrew Squervil.”
Feeling very defeated, Andrew stops backing away from Andreea and begins undressing. He knows he won’t be making it to the gym today.