Today, a sleazy man named Andrew Squervil is sitting in his crummy apartment, depressed about his most recent failed attempt to become rich.

Someone knocks on the apartment’s front door. Andrew gets up to answer it.

He opens the front door. Much to his surprise, standing before him is a beautiful rich woman from his past named Gloria.

“Gloria!” Andrew says.

Gloria smiles faintly, as if she’s not quite sure she’s happy to see Andrew. “Hello, Andrew,” she says.

“What are you doing here?” Andrew says.

“I tracked you down,” Gloria says. “I came here to see you.”

Andrew leans in to kiss her.

She backs away, horrified. “Get away from me!” she says.

“But…” Andrew says, confused. Then, remembering something, he says: “Oh, right. The manure.”

Some time ago, Andrew and Gloria were engaged to be married. Andrew was on his way to becoming rich, via marriage to the rich Gloria.

However, before Andrew could get to marry Gloria, one of his vengeful ex-lovers pushed him into a pool full of manure.

Unfortunately for Andrew, Gloria was nearby when the incident occurred. The sight of Andrew covered in manure disgusted Gloria. Certain that she would never be able to shake the repulsive image of a manure-covered Andrew from her mind, Gloria immediately cancelled their engagement and dumped Andrew.

Now, inexplicably, Gloria is standing before Andrew in the doorway of his apartment, apparently still repulsed by him.

“Andrew, I came here because you’ve got me confused,” Gloria says. “So very, very confused. As you know, I’ve had many, many male lovers: handsome, muscular men; some of the finest specimens this universe has to offer. Most of those men were able to give me great amounts of pleasure. But none so much as you, Andrew Squervil! When we were together, you brought me to the state of absolute carnal ecstasy, in spite of your physical shortcoming!”

“Physical shortcoming?” Andrew says. “What are you-”

“Andrew, I came here today because I can’t get you out of my mind,” Gloria says. “Part of me wants to reclaim you as my lover, yet another part of me can’t stop picturing you covered in manure! I want you badly and yet I also think you’re gross! I thought I would forget about you in time, but my memory of you has persisted. For the longest time, I didn’t know what I would do about my Andrew Squervil fixation. But now I have a solution! I’m going to put you in a vat.”

“A vat?” Andrew says.

“Yes, a vat,” Gloria says. “A vat full of scalding hot water. Water hot enough to cleanse your body of any particles of manure remaining on you since that terrible day. After you’re cleansed in the vat, I will be certain that you’re manure-free. And then we can become lovers again.”

“And get married?” Andrew says hopefully, thinking of Gloria’s wealth.

“Yes, and get married,” Gloria says.

“Will the hot water in the vat hurt me?” Andrew says.

Gloria smiles, amused. “Oh yes, very much so,” she says. “But don’t you think I’m worth it, Andrew?”

Andrew gazes over Gloria’s shapely body, thinking of her shapely body and her wealth.

Some time later, Andrew is in a sealed vat full of scalding hot water. The vat is located in the backyard of Gloria’s mansion. Andrew has been in the vat for quite some time. It is very painful. He hopes Gloria releases him from the vat soon.

Some time later, the vat is unsealed by someone. Andrew immediately gets out of the vat, eager to escape it.

Much to Andrew’s surprise, Gloria isn’t there. Instead, one of Gloria’s maids, Lethelia, is standing before him.

Lethelia doesn’t like Andrew.

“Lethelia?” Andrew says. “What are you doing here? Where’s Gloria?”

Lethelia smiles cruelly. “Gloria is out on a date with her new male lover,” Lethelia says. “She met him while you were in the vat. His name is Dimitri. He’s very handsome and very muscular.” Lethelia hands Andrew a small piece of paper and says: “Gloria asked me to give this to you.”

The piece of paper has a hand-written message from Gloria on it. Andrew reads the message. It says:


I have a new boyfriend now. His name is Dimitri. He’s a better lover than you. I do not want to ever see you again.


“No!” Andrew says. “That’s not fair! It was supposed to be me and Gloria and Gloria’s money! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

Lethelia is clearly amused by Andrew’s misery. “It’s time for you to leave now, Andrew,” Lethelia says. “Gloria wants you gone from the premises before she returns.”

Lethelia and some of Gloria’s other maids forcibly remove Andrew from Gloria’s mansion.