A Sticky Situation

On the 135th floor of an office building that manufactures and sells honey products, a man named Nerwin is in his cubicle, toiling away on a boring project. Nerwin is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

One of Nerwin’s co-workers, a sleazy man named Thad, enters Nerwin’s cubicle. Thad is the same age as Nerwin, but more physically attractive than Nerwin. Thad has been intimately involved with various women at the company. Nerwin dislikes Thad, but Thad is completely oblivious to that dislike.

“Nerwin, I need your help,” Thad says, looking quite distressed.

“What’s the problem?” Nerwin says, secretly pleased that something is causing Thad distress.

“It’s Olivia,” Thad says, referring to Olivia, a woman who is the new owner and president of the honey corporation. Olivia recently purchased the corporation from its previous owner-slash-president, a woman named Gloria. “Olivia’s been trying to meet with me in person,” Thad says. “Since she started here, I’ve successfully avoided her. She’s been emailing me, trying to schedule a meeting with me, and I’ve been postponing that meeting, citing various made-up excuses. And any time I’ve heard the distinct sound of her footsteps on this floor, I’ve hidden under my desk so she can’t find me. But she just sent me an email telling me that if I don’t meet her in her office within the next twenty minutes, she’s going to terminate me!”

“So what’s the problem?” Nerwin says.

“The problem is, Olivia wants to do more than just meet with me,” Thad says. “She’s Gloria’s best friend and knows all about the ‘special relationship’ I had with Gloria when Gloria was still in charge of the corporation.”

“By ‘special relationship’, I assume you’re referring to your not-so-secret office affair with Gloria,” Nerwin says.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m referring to,” Thad says. “Olivia knows all about it. And I’ve heard rumors that Olivia intends to have the same kind of ‘special relationship’ with me now that she’s in charge. But I don’t want to have an office affair with Olivia! I’ve seen pictures of her. She’s not like Gloria at all! Gloria was thin and shapely and sexy. But Olivia is fat. So very, very fat.”

“So just tell Olivia you’re not interested in having an office affair with her,” Nerwin says.

“I can’t do that!” Thad says. “She would terminate me, and then I would no longer be able to have my office affairs with all the yummy female hotties who work here. And I would be unemployed. You’ve got to help me, Nerwin.”

“How?” Nerwin says, even though he has no interest in helping Thad, and would very much like Thad to suffer, via job loss or via Olivia’s fat body.

“I need you to meet with Olivia and deceive her into thinking you’re me,” Thad says.

“What?” Nerwin says. “Are you crazy?”

“It’s the perfect plan!” Thad says.

“It’s an incredibly stupid plan!” Nerwin says.

“Olivia has never see a picture of me,” Thad says. “If you go to her office and tell her you’re me, she would have no reason to think you’re lying.”

“This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,” Nerwin says. “And it’s completely irrelevant anyway, as I have no desire whatsoever to help you avoid Olivia. I want to see you get terminated.”

Thad looks genuinely hurt. “I know you don’t really mean that, Nerwin,” he says. “But if it’s more incentive you need, I’ll give it to you: I’ll offer you something in exchange for your services.

Nerwin rolls his eyes. “What could you possibly offer me that would actually convince me to make Olivia think that I’m you?” he says.

“I won’t seduce Stephanie,” Thad says, referring to Stephanie, a cute, blond, single, female employee that recently started with the corporation. “You know Stephanie, right? The cute, blond, single, female employee that recently started with the corporation?”

Nerwin gulps. He has been heavily infatuated with Stephanie since meeting her two days ago. “Yes,” he says. “I know Stephanie.”

“Yes, and I’m sure you’re already heavily infatuated with her, right?” Thad says.

“Right,” Nerwin says, feeling defeated.

“Well, if you agree to do this thing with Olivia for me, I promise I’ll never, ever seduce Stephanie,” Thad says.

“This would be a ridiculous, pointless deception,” Nerwin says, trying to find a way out of this. “Olivia would eventually find out that I’m not you.”

“No, she won’t,” Thad says. “As long as you go to her office whenever she summons me, the ruse will work splendidly.”

Nerwin sighs. “You really won’t seduce Stephanie?” he says. “Ever?”

“I promise,” Thad says. “Now get upstairs to Olivia’s office, Nerwin. Olivia won’t wait much longer.”

Sadly, Nerwin gets up and travels up to the building’s 567th floor, where Olivia’s office is located. He enters the office. Olivia is there and she is wearing only leopard-colored lingerie, much to Nerwin’s dismay.

“You must be Thad,” Olivia says.

“Yes,” Nerwin says, keeping Stephanie in mind. “I’m Thad.”

Olivia and Nerwin begin walking toward each other. As Nerwin begins his office affair with Olivia, he wonders if things could get any worse for him.

Back on the 135th floor, Thad and Stephanie are in a closet, carrying on their secret office affair, which started yesterday.

“I love you, Thad,” Stephanie says. “I love you so much.”

“And I love you,” Thad says, lying. “Listen, I need you to do me a favor: make sure Nerwin never finds out about us. It would devastate him.”

“Who’s Nerwin?” Stephanie says.

“My friend,” Thad says.