Platinum

During a morning, a sleazy, formerly rich man named Andrew Squervil wakes up in his bed in his crummy apartment. On Andrew’s chest and various other parts of his body are absurdly large red lipstick stains. They were given to Andrew last night by his hideous, obese female landlord, who lets Andrew stay in the apartment for free in exchange for being her personal plaything. Andrew does not like this living arrangement, but he has major money problems and this is, unfortunately, the best living option currently available to him.

However, despite still having the taste of his female landlord in his mouth, Andrew is in a good mood this morning. That is because he expects that his financial problems will be coming to an end very, very soon, perhaps before the end of the day. If all goes as planned, by the end of today, he will be rich again, and he will also have carnal access to a bevy of beautiful women, and he can finally stop being his hideous female landlord’s plaything.

Later, in the early afternoon, Andrew, who is now fully-dressed and carrying a briefcase, arrives at a sleek-looking office building, which multiple successful corporations operate out of. He enters the building and travels to its third floor, which is occupied entirely by a single corporation.

Andrew walks up to the front desk area, where a stunningly beautiful female receptionist is sitting. She is wearing a very revealing platinum dress.

Upon seeing Andrew, she smiles at him and says: “Hello. How can I help you today, sir?”

“Hello,” Andrew says, certain that he will eventually get to be with this woman. “My name is Andrew Squervil. I’m here for an appointment I have with Troy Martel.”

“Hello, Mister Squervil,” the receptionist says. “Mister Martel is waiting for you in his office. Let me take you to him.”

She gets up and begins leading Andrew to his destination. As they are walking there, they begin passing through a very large room where there are several rows of desks. On each desk is a computer and various office supplies. Sitting at each desk is a stunningly beautiful woman. Each woman is wearing a very revealing platinum dress.

“It’s quite a view, isn’t it?” the receptionist says, referring to the view of the city from a very large window on one of the room’s walls.

“Yes,” Andrew says, discreetly looking at all of the beautiful women in the room. “A glorious view indeed.”

The receptionist and Andrew arrive at a door at one end of the room. On the door is a gold name plaque that has the words “Troy Martel: President and Chief Executive Officer” imprinted on it. The receptionist opens the door, revealing a very large, prestigious-looking office. In the office, sitting at a very large, expensive-looking desk is a handsome, slick-looking man wearing a suit. He appears to be about the same age as Andrew.

“Andrew Squervil is here to see you now, Mister Martel,” the receptionist says.

“Ah yes, Andrew Squervil,” Troy Martel says. “I’ve been looking forward to our meeting. Please come in and have a seat.”

Andrew enters the office and sits down, secretly amused by the thought that this man will soon hate him.

“Do you need anything else of me right now, Mister Martel?” the receptionist says.

“No, that will be all, Suslova,” Troy says.

“Are you sure?” the receptionist, Suslova, says, seeming quite eager to please her boss.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Troy says.

“If you need anything else of me, don’t hesitate to ask,” Suslova says. “Your wish is my command. I would do anything to please you, Mister Martel. Anything.”

“Thanks, Suslova,” Troy says.

Suslova closes the office door, leaving Andrew and Troy alone in the office together.

“She seems like a great employee,” Andrew says.

“Yes, she’s terrific,” Troy says. He looks at a very large framed photograph hanging on one of the office’s walls. In the photograph, Suslova and all of the other beautiful female employees that Andrew saw on his way to Troy’s office are standing together and wearing revealing platinum dresses and smiling at the camera. “All of my employees are terrific,” Troy says. “Great employees are the foundation of a successful business. That’s why I’m very careful about who I hire to work for me. Before hiring the employees you see in this photograph, I personally conducted a very thorough evaluation of each of them.”

“I’m sure you did,” Andrew says, looking at the photograph.

Troy says to Andrew: “So let me start by telling you about my corporation, and how we could help you develop and expand your small business. Since its inception, my corporation has provided rapid funding to thousands of small businesses such as yours. Through cash advances from us, those companies have been able to meet their goals, and exceed them. Within six months of receiving a loan from us, your small business will-”

“Let me stop you,” Andrew says. “I don’t have a small business, and I have no interest in receiving a loan from your corporation.”

“Oh,” Troy says, confused and annoyed. “So why are you here? Why did you set up this appointment with me?”

“I’m here to blackmail you,” Andrew says.

Troy has an incredulous look on his face. “What are you talking about?” Troy says.

“I will explain,” Andrew says. “Does the name Patricia Fershteyn mean anything to you?”

“Of course,” Troy says. “That’s my wife’s sister.”

“Yes,” Andrew says. “The sister of your wife, Jennifer. Patricia and Jennifer: two wealthy heiresses. I met Patricia a few weeks ago in a nightclub located in a very wealthy neighborhood. A lot of rich, single women visit this nightclub. That’s why I went there: I have a goal: to become rich: and I’ve been trying to con a rich woman into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth. It was in that nightclub that I met Patricia. She told me she was rich and single. As you know, that second part was a lie: she has a husband, and he was away on some trip, and she was in the nightclub looking to find a disposable stud who she could have some fun with before her husband returned. I ended up being that disposable stud. We left the nightclub together and went to her and her husband’s mansion, which, at the time, I thought belonged only to her. In the mansion, Patricia and I had our intimate encounter, and the whole time I thought I was on my way to becoming rich. Afterwards, she started crying. At first, I thought her tears were tears of joy caused by the great experience I had just provided her with. But it turned out she was upset. Pretending to care, I asked her what was wrong. Patricia told me she was thinking about her sister, Jennifer, who she was worried about. Patricia told me that, a few years ago, Jennifer had gotten married to a sleazy, non-rich loser named Troy Martel; and that Jennifer was madly in love with Troy, but Patricia didn’t like or trust Troy, and was convinced that Troy had only married Jennifer to gain access to her wealth; and that, because of that distrust, prior to the wedding, Patricia convinced Jennifer to have Troy sign a prenuptial agreement, one which said that, if Troy ever abandoned or divorced Jennifer, or was caught cheating on her, Jennifer could annul the marriage without Troy’s consent, and all of their shared money and shared assets and any corporations Troy might own would be taken away from Troy and would belong exclusively to Jennifer; and that, some time after the start of their marriage, Troy used some of his and Jennifer’s money to start and operate a corporation; and that Troy purchased office space for the corporation to operate out of; and that Troy hired many employees to work for his corporation; and that every employee he hired was a beautiful woman; and that, though Patricia had no proof, she was certain that Troy was cheating on Jennifer with some or perhaps all of those beautiful female employees; and that, Jennifer didn’t think that Troy was cheating on her; and that she wouldn’t be convinced without proof; and that Patricia was upset because she hadn’t been able to find any proof to convince Jennifer that her husband was a sleazy, unfaithful loser who she would be better off without.”

Troy is staring at Andrew blankly. “Then what happened?” Troy says.

“Then Patricia’s husband arrived at the mansion unexpectedly,” Andrew says. “He had come home much earlier than Patricia had expected. He saw me and Patricia and immediately figured out that Patricia had cheated on him with me. Before I realized what was happening, he knocked me to the ground, and then whipped me with his belt for a very, very long time. It was around that time that I realized Patricia was a married woman. Eventually, I escaped from the mansion and her husband’s wrath. I was very angry about how that situation with Patricia had turned out. But then I remembered all she had told me about you and Jennifer and your sexy female employees. And I realized that the situation with Patricia hadn’t been a total loss. I realized that I would indeed become rich, just by a different method: by blackmailing you. You’re going to withdraw and give me a very large amount of money from your and your wife’s bank account, enough to make me rich. You can explain the ‘mysterious disappearance’ of that portion of your savings to your wife any way you want. But giving me a portion of your money isn’t all you’re going to do for me: you’re also going to transfer your ownership of this corporation to me. This office is going to be my office. And all those beautiful women are going to be employed by me, not you. And I will seduce each and every one of them, just like you did.”

“This is all insane, and you’re an idiot,” Troy says. “Patricia was wrong: I love my wife and I have never, ever cheated on her.”

Andrew sneers. “I have proof,” he says. “Lots and lots of proof. And if you don’t give me what I want, I will show that proof to your wife, and you will no longer be rich.”

Troy is sweating now. “You don’t have proof,” he says. “You couldn’t possibly have proof because I’ve never cheated on my wife with any of those women.”

“I’ve been following you for several days,” Andrew says. “And during that time, I obtained photographs that unequivocally prove that you have been cheating on your wife with each and every one of your female employees. I brought copies for you. See for yourself.” Andrew opens his briefcase. From his briefcase, he begins to take out the copies of the photographs he brought with him.

“No, don’t!” Troy says.

Andrew tosses the copies of the photographs onto Troy’s desk. In each image, Troy is entering a motel room with one of his beautiful female employees or making out with one of his beautiful female employees in his car.

“You had every one of them,” Andrew says. “And unless you give me what I want, your wife will learn about your infidelity, and you will be ruined.”

Troy takes a deep, frustrated breath. “My wife has already learned about my infidelity… and I’m already ruined… you idiot,” he says.

Troy looks up at the ceiling, causing Andrew to look up as well. Above them, attached to the ceiling, is a video camera.

“Patricia didn’t tell you everything,” Troy says. “My wife, Jennifer, had that video camera installed in my office, so she could watch me while I’m at work and make sure I wasn’t carrying on any office affairs. The video is streamed live to a group of professionals she hired. While I’m at work, they have been constantly monitoring me, with instructions to notify my wife immediately if they catch any signs of me engaging in infidelity. That’s why I was carrying on my affairs elsewhere, instead of here in the office. Right now, my wife is being notified of these images you’ve placed on my desk. And she will undoubtably end our marriage and I will lose everything, as per the prenuptial agreement. So your blackmail scheme has failed, Andrew Squervil. You won’t get any money from me, and you won’t get my corporation either, because that will all be my wife’s now. All you’ve succeeded in doing is ruining me.” Troy stands up. “So there’s really only one thing left to do now,” he says.

From under his desk, Troy grabs a baseball bat that he had kept hidden there for emergencies. Before Andrew can react, Troy whacks Andrew over his head with the baseball bat. Troy continues to pummel Andrew mercilessly with the bat.

Later, Andrew returns to his crummy apartment, feeling very defeated. He enters his bedroom. Much to his dismay, his hideous, obese female landlord is there, laying on his bed.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Andrew Squervil,” she says.

“I know,” Andrew says sadly.

He begins walking toward her.

Advertisements