Current Status

While food-shopping at a supermarket, a man named Andrew Squervil runs into his ex-girlfriend, a beautiful woman named Riora.

“Hello, Andrew,” Riora says.

“Hello, Riora,” Andrew says, taking in her shapely body and pretty face.

“What are you doing here?” Riora says.

“Food-shopping,” Andrew says. “And you?”

“Also food-shopping,” Riora says. “I’m surprised you don’t have one of your maids do that for you.”

“Maids?” Andrew says, confused.

“Oh, I assumed you have maids, now that you’re rich,” Riora says.

Then Andrew remembers that when he broke up with Riora, he was leaving her for a very beautiful, very rich woman named Gloria. Andrew recalls telling Riora that he was going to get married to Gloria, thereby gaining access to all her wealth.

“Oh, no, Gloria and I don’t have any maids,” Andrew says. “It’s just not really our thing. We prefer to do our own chores.”

“That’s interesting,” Riora says. “So how long have you and Gloria been married now?”

“A while,” Andrew says, wanting to change the subject. “So what’s new with you?”

“I’m engaged!” Riora says jubilantly.

“Oh,” Andrew says, acting happy for Riora, but not really happy for her at all. “I’m so happy for you. Who are you getting married to?”

“Liglio!” Riora says.

“Liglio?” Andrew says. “That male underwear model who’s friends with Martin and Pustilla?”

“Yes,” Riora says. “I met Liglio at one of Martin and Pustilla’s dinner parties… a few days after you dumped me. He’s wonderful. I’d love for you to meet him. And I’d love to meet Gloria. Maybe the four of us can have dinner together sometime.”

“Yes, maybe,” Andrew says.

“How about next Tuesday?” Riora says.

“Actually, I’m not so sure dinner would be a good idea, Riora” Andrew says. “Gloria is very distrustful of other women when they’re around me. She thinks every other woman I interact with desires me and intends to steal me away from her. And in those situations, Gloria tends to get very nasty toward the other woman. Gloria would be very nasty and distrustful toward you. I’d hate to expose you to that.”

“Oh… that’s too bad,” Riora says.

“Yes, it is,” Andrew says. “Gloria’s possessiveness of me can be a burden sometimes. It’s ironic because most people would think that there is no downside to being married to a very beautiful, very flexible woman who has an insatiable appetite for her spouse. Well, it’s been good to see you, but I really must be going now. Gloria is waiting for me back at our mansion. Goodbye, Riora.”

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Riora says.

Later, Andrew returns to his current home, a crummy apartment, which he lives in alone, and which he can only afford to live in because the apartment’s hideous, obese female landlord lets him stay there for free in exchange for being her plaything. He met this woman and entered into this horrible living arrangement with her some time after Gloria had dumped him and had called off their engagement. Andrew doesn’t like being the landlord’s plaything, but he has major money problems and this is, unfortunately, the best living option currently available to him.

Andrew knows that later tonight, when the landlord stops by to receive her daily ‘rent payment,’ he will try his best to imagine she is Riora or Gloria or some other beautiful woman. And he knows he will fail.

He hopes that when the landlord is here later tonight, she will let him keep all the lights in the apartment turned off, maybe just this once. He prays that she will let him keep the lights turned off.

Later, after the landlord arrives, Andrew’s prayer goes unfulfilled, much to his dismay.

Advertisements