A sleazy, non-rich man named Andrew Squervil is on a journey.
Andrew has had many, many misadventures, most of which in some way revolved around his goal to become rich. These misadventures always ended badly for Andrew and collectively caused him much suffering, including but not limited to: public humiliation; intimate encounters with women he didn’t find attractive; merciless beatings; imprisonments; and being stranded at sea.
After a misadventure that resulted in Andrew getting stranded at sea, he ended up on an island located in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. The existence of the island is a well-kept secret, unknown to most people throughout the world. The island’s location does not appear on any maps. The island is a wonderful, wonderful place that all of its residents cherish.
The island is ruled by a queen. She is the sole ruler of the island. She lives in a mansion in the center of the island. She is very rich. She is not married.
During Andrew’s time on the island, Andrew got the opportunity to meet with the queen. He thought she was the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her beauty and her massive wealth made Andrew very much interested in her.
During Andrew’s meeting with the queen, Andrew got along quite well with her. She found him charming and attractive. She invited him to a dinner party.
Andrew, of course, accepted the invitation. He intended to seduce the queen and subsequently con her into marriage, thereby gaining access to her wealth and becoming co-ruler of the island.
However, Andrew never got the chance to do that. Shortly after his first meeting with the queen, a woman named Callandra tricked Andrew into drinking a beverage containing a very rare potion. The potion caused him to become unconscious for a very, very long period of time. Callandra is very much in love with the queen. Callandra saw Andrew as a very significant threat to her romantic intentions with the queen. So, while Andrew was unconscious, Callandra arranged for Andrew to be delivered back to his native land. When Andrew regained consciousness, he was back in his native land with no idea how to get back to the island.
Andrew was very angry about being cheated out of his chance at happiness. He vowed to himself that he would someday, somehow get back to the island.
Andrew did not give up on this goal. He went to great lengths to get the information he needed to get back to the island. His efforts included, among other things: hiring a private investigator; seducing a woman he found unattractive; getting a job, even though he has a strong distaste for employment; seducing another woman he found unattractive; and deceiving many, many people.
Andrew considers all of his efforts worthwhile, even the ones that caused him to suffer. He has obtained instructions on how to get back to the island and is now on his way back there. He is looking forward to reuniting with the queen, fondly remembering her shapely body and her wealth. He is certain that he will soon be back on the island and having his first intimate encounter with the most beautiful woman who ever existed.
After quite some time, Andrew completes his journey to the island. “I’m back!” he says. “I’m back!”
Not wanting to waste any time celebrating, Andrew immediately heads toward the queen’s mansion. He is let into the mansion by one of the queen’s many, many attractive maids.
Andrew is convinced that his days of being miserable have come to a permanent end.
Then the maid leads Andrew into the mansion’s parlor, where the queen currently is. And Andrew is horrified by what he sees: the queen, since the last time Andrew saw her, has become very, very, very fat. Andrew no longer thinks she is the most beautiful woman. Andrew doesn’t even find her attractive now. In fact, he finds her quite repulsive.
Upon seeing Andrew, the queen squeals in delight. “Andrew!” she says. “You’ve come back to me!”
And now the queen is coming toward Andrew, her fat arms outstretched, eager to embrace him. Andrew doesn’t yet know whether he will flee from the mansion or continue with his plan to marry the queen for her money. But he does know one thing: his days of being miserable are not over.