The Wrong Spreadsheet

Since being promoted or perhaps demoted to her current position, Hana has been more annoyed and frustrated with her employer than ever before.

Hana works for a very large, very successful corporation that manufactures and sells very popular honey products. For several years, Hana was one of the honey corporation’s many file clerks. However, she was recently transferred without her consent to a different, supposedly higher position in the organization: personal assistant to the corporation’s owner and president, a beautiful woman named Gloria.

Gloria’s office is located on the 567th floor of the honey corporation’s office building. It is, of course, the largest and fanciest office in the building. With the promotion to Gloria’s personal assistant, Hana was relocated to a cubicle only a few feet away from Gloria’s office. The cubicle is unquestionably the worst and smallest work station in the entire building, with barely enough space for one person to operate out of.

Working directly for Gloria is just an unpleasant. In her short time as Gloria’s personal assistant, Hana has found Gloria to be overly demanding and cruel. Gloria seems to take great delight in tormenting Hana, often assigning her demeaning tasks that only seem to exist for the purpose of demeaning her.

Since beginning this new position, Hana has often wondered if the promotion was the corporation’s punishing her for something she did. She often wonders what she possibly could have done to make the corporation want to punish her.

Aside from inflicting misery upon Hana, Gloria’s major source of enjoyment is men. Gloria is, by anyone’s standards, a hussy. She spends much of her workdays having intimate encounters with various attractive men in her office, with the office’s door closed and locked.

Not that the door being closed and locked would somehow prevent Hana from knowing what goes on behind that closed door. Hana is very aware of Gloria’s insatiable appetite for men. A significant portion of Hana’s workday is spent scheduling Gloria’s various ‘meetings’ with men. Hana also spends a significant portion of her workday trying to not hear the loud sounds of passion coming from Gloria’s office during these ‘meetings’.

Another thing Hana can’t stand about Gloria is her thin, attractive body. Hana, who is overweight, has been valiantly struggling to become thin her entire life, without success. For that reason, the mere sight of Gloria’s body makes Hana seethe internally with jealousy. She would very much like to never have to experience the magnificence of Gloria’s body ever again. Unfortunately for Hana, the honey corporation’s logo, which is imprinted on every single wall in the corporation’s office building, including the interior of Hana’s cubicle, is an image of Gloria wearing a very revealing dress and holding a jar of honey and gazing at the honey sensually. For that reason, Hana must see Gloria’s jealousy-inducing body constantly, even when Gloria isn’t actually around.

Although Gloria has never been married, she has been engaged multiple times. None of those engagements lasted long. In the short time that Hana has been Gloria’s personal assistant, Gloria has been engaged four times. Her most recent engagement was to a man named Andrew. That engagement lasted several weeks before Gloria broke it off. It was the longest of Gloria’s engagements, according to Hana’s spreadsheet.

Hana created and has been maintaining a secret spreadsheet on her work computer. She has been doing this solely for her own amusement, with no intention of ever sharing the spreadsheet with anyone else. The spreadsheet is titled “Men Who Gloria Has Been With”. It is an incredibly detailed spreadsheet pertaining to all of the intimate encounters Gloria has had with men in her office since Hana became Gloria’s personal assistant. The spreadsheet includes many, many bits of information, including but not limited to: the names of all the men; which of the men were employees of the honey corporation; which of the men were clients of the honey corporation; which of the men Gloria had been engaged to; which of the men Gloria had been with while engaged to someone else; the number of times Gloria was with each of these men; and, based on what Hana overheard from her cubicle, the varying degrees of pleasure the men caused Gloria to have.

Hana doesn’t know what compelled her to create this spreadsheet, but she has found it to be her only source of joy in this miserable job.

One workday, while Hana is working in her cubicle, very overwhelmed, trying to accomplish multiple rush projects simultaneously, she receives a phone call from Gloria, who is in the office building’s massive auditorium and is about to give a presentation to several dozen potential clients, all of whose business is highly desired by the honey corporation. Gloria asks Hana to email her a spreadsheet that was prepared for use at the presentation. The spreadsheet illustrates how doing business with the honey corporation could be very beneficial to each of the potential clients in the auditorium.

Hana, who is highly distracted by the multiple other tasks she is performing, accidentally emails Gloria the wrong spreadsheet, the one pertaining to Gloria’s intimate encounters with men in her office. Neither Hana nor Gloria realize the mistake Hana has made.

In the auditorium, Gloria is now on a stage, giving her presentation to the audience of potential clients. On the wall behind her is a massive presentation screen. On the screen is Hana’s spreadsheet, which Gloria has still not noticed is not the spreadsheet she thinks it is. As Gloria is talking about the various benefits of doing business with the honey corporation, the potential clients are paying little attention to her words, instead transfixed by the information on the spreadsheet.

Finally, Gloria turns around and gets a look at the spreadsheet. And she is mortified. All of her sluttiness is on display for these dozens of potential clients. She wanted them to perceive her as a classy businesswoman, not an outright slut with an insatiable appetite for men. This is the most humiliating moment of her life. She storms off the stage without finishing her presentation, intent on firing Hana.

Ironically though, most of the potential clients in the audience, all of whom are men, end up becoming clients of the honey corporation. Each of them secretly hopes that, by becoming a client of the honey corporation, they will get the opportunity to be with Gloria, much like the clients listed on Hana’s spreadsheet. Ironically, Hana’s spreadsheet ended up bringing in more business to the honey corporation than the other spreadsheet ever would have.

Gloria, who is delighted by these unexpected results and Hana’s apparent genius marketing abilities, promotes Hana to the honey corporation’s marketing director position.

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