Unfortunate Andrew Meets Keeka and the Swans

Currently, non-rich person Andrew Squervil is in a mansion, being pummeled mercilessly by another man. This is the result of Andrew’s most recent attempt to marry a rich woman for her money. In a nightclub, Andrew met a beautiful, rich, apparently single woman named Prettia. Andrew intended to seduce Prettia and subsequently con her into marriage. Prettia invited Andrew back to her mansion, an invitation which Andrew gladly accepted. However, after Andrew and Prettia arrived at Prettia’s mansion, Andrew discovered that Prettia was a married woman trying to cheat on her away husband. To make matters worse, Prettia’s large husband arrived home unexpectedly, and subsequently found Andrew in the mansion, and subsequently learned of Andrew’s attempt to seduce Prettia. Which was why Prettia’s husband is currently pummeling Andrew mercilessly.

Later, Prettia’s husband carries Andrew’s unconscious body out onto the sidewalk. Prettia’s husband dumps Andrew there, then goes back into the mansion.

The sidewalk that Andrew is currently laying on unconsciously is part of a very upper-class neighborhood. Andrew is surrounded by many, many mansions in addition to the one he was removed from moments earlier.

Some time later, Andrew regains consciousness. He is still laying on the sidewalk. Standing around him and looking down at him are five women. Four of the women are very tall and very beautiful. The other woman is short and plump.

Andrew already dislikes the short, plump woman. He dislikes all women who he doesn’t find physically attractive.

The short, plump woman seems genuinely concerned for Andrew while the four tall, beautiful women seem grossed out by him. Andrew, who is usually physically attractive, figures that the bruises on his face must be causing him to appear unattractive, hence the grossed-out expressions on the four tall, beautiful women’s faces.

“Are you okay?” the short, plump woman says, speaking to Andrew. “Do you need help?”

“Let’s just leave him here,” one of the tall, beautiful women says, speaking to the short, plump woman. “We have a party we need to get to.”

“But we can’t just leave him here,” the short, plump woman says, speaking to the other women. “That would be cruel.”

“We’re leaving,” one of the tall, beautiful women says, speaking to the short, plump woman. The four tall, beautiful women leave.

Now Andrew is alone with the short, plump woman. He wishes that she left and that the four tall, beautiful women stayed instead.

The short, plump woman helps Andrew up. She invites Andrew to come with her to her mansion so she can treat his bruises. Andrew takes the short, plump woman up on her offer, only because his bruises do need to be treated, and because he wants to learn more about the four tall, beautiful women.

On their way to the short, plump woman’s mansion, the short, plump woman and Andrew introduce themselves to each other. The short, plump woman is named Keeka.

“Who are those four other women you were with?” Andrew says.

Keeka says that those four other women she was with are her friends: Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona. Keeka says that, like her, Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona are rich residents of this neighborhood. Keeka says that Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona are a powerful social clique known as the Swans. Keeka says that the Swans control all significant social events that occur in this neighborhood; that they influence the fashion styles and opinions of the neighborhood’s other residents; that the Swans are always invited to the most exclusive parties; that every woman in this neighborhood who isn’t a Swan wants to be a Swan.

“Are you a Swan?” Andrew says.

In a tone of shame and frustration, Keeka says that she isn’t a Swan, not yet anyway; that, right now, she is only a candidate for membership. Keeka says that the Swans refer to their candidates as Ducklings, though, for some unspecified reason, her designation is Ugly Duckling.

Keeka says that, as part of her Swan membership candidacy, she is going through a grueling, mandatory hazing process, which involves lots and lots of torture from the Swans. Keeka says that, since the hazing process for her started several years ago, the Swans have done many, many cruel things to her as part of the hazing process, including, but not limited to: making her carry all the Swans’ shopping bags during the Swans’ daily shopping spree; making her brush the Swans’ hair; making her clean the Swans’ entire mansions; pouring a bucket of very cold water on her; sticking used gum in her hair; making her crawl around on her hands and knees and bark like a dog in a crowded restaurant; pouring a bucket of mud on her; destroying all her clothes; making her eat a bar of soap; making her wear a plastic pig nose over her real nose at all times for an entire year; making her eat nothing but peanut butter, which she is highly allergic to, for an entire year; making her eat a leather shoe; pouring a bucket of ants on her; drawing derogatory comments on her face, using ink that is very, very difficult to remove once applied; drawing a bullseye on her forehead, using that same ink, then making her stand in a very crowded public area while the Swans pelted her with tomatoes over and over again, trying to hit the bullseye; stealing her car, then destroying it; making her drink toilet water; and dumping a bucket of leeches on her.

“I hate the Swans so much sometimes,” Keeka says. “Sometimes I think that the Swans are just stringing me along; that they have no real intention to ever make me a Swan; that they intend to keep me an Ugly Duckling forever so they can go on torturing me in various ways for their amusement. But I continue to endure all the torture because I want to be a Swan so badly. Despite the seemingly never-ending hazing, I hold out hope that I will one day be made into a Swan.”

Andrew finds the Swans’ various methods of torturing Keeka quite amusing, especially because he is certain that they are just stringing her along. However, he pretends to be sympathetic toward Keeka regarding her plight, only because he wants to stay on her good side so she will tell him more about the Swans, all of whom he is very interested in trying to seduce.

Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

Andrew subtly asks Keeka what the Swans’ relationship statuses are. Keeka says that, unlike her, the Swans are all married. Andrew is disappointed. He hoped to get an opportunity to con one of the Swans into marriage, thereby gaining access to her fortune. Just as Keeka is wondering if she will ever get to become a Swan, Andrew is wondering if he will ever get to marry a rich woman for her money. It seems like every time he is on the verge of accomplishing this, something goes wrong for him.

Andrew decides that, since the Swans are unavailable, marriage-wise, he will try to con Keeka into marriage, given that she is the only single, rich woman currently available to him. Andrew figures that he will divorce her some time after the wedding, after he gains access to her money.

In Keeka’s mansion, Andrew completes his seduction of Keeka. He considered it odious, but necessary. Afterwards, he asks Keeka to marry him. Keeka, of course, accepts Andrew’s marriage proposal.

Andrew, who wants to gain access to Keeka’s fortune as soon as possible, suggests that they get married today. Keeka says that she can’t do that; that the Swans control all the neighborhood’s social events, including its weddings; that the Swans will dictate how and when the wedding will take place. Keeka says that if she arranges her wedding all on her own, without the Swans’ permission, the Swans will shun her, never letting her join their clique.

Andrew suggests that they go see the Swans now, so they can get on with it. Keeka says that she would prefer they wait until after Andrew’s facial bruises heal. Keeka says that the Swans would mock her mercilessly for agreeing to marry Andrew, given how unattractive he now looks with his bruises. Keeka suggests they wait until after the bruises heal, when he is better-looking.

A few days later, all the bruises on Andrew’s face are gone. He is physically attractive again. So Andrew and Keeka go to see the Swans to make the wedding request. Andrew and Keeka meet with the Swans, Tabeeza, Fawna, Nella, and Miona, at Miona’s mansion.

The Swans are very surprised to see that Andrew is actually quite handsome, now that his bruises are gone. One of the Swans, Tabeeza, apologizes to Andrew for the Swans’ decision to not help him when he was laying on the sidewalk. Tabeeza says that, had they known he is so physically attractive without the bruises, they would have helped him.

Keeka is glad that the Swans find Andrew attractive. She wants them to be envious of her. Keeka tells the Swans that Andrew and her are going to get married; that Andrew wants to become her husband. Keeka enjoys seeing the look of intense jealousy on the Swans’ faces in response to her announcement.

Keeka says that she and Andrew are interested in having their wedding in the very, very near future, perhaps at the neighborhood’s local church, with lots of guests.

One of the Swans, Fawna, suddenly has a very cruel thought. Fawna grants Andrew and Keeka permission to have the wedding in the near future, and in the neighborhood’s local church. Fawna tells Andrew and Keeka that their wedding will take place tomorrow morning in the church.

Keeka is so happy. She was afraid that the Swans would deny her request out of spite.

Andrew is very happy too. He is certain that his days of being non-rich are almost over.

As Andrew and Keeka are leaving Miona’s mansion, Fawna stops them. Putting the cruel thought she had into motion, Fawna tells Keeka that it is time for her daily hazing. Fawna takes a jar of peanut butter out of her purse. Like the other Swans, Fawna always keeps a jar of peanut butter in her purse, so she can give it to Keeka to eat at any given moment, as part of the hazing process. Keeka is highly allergic to peanut butter. Eating even just a very small amount of peanut butter can cause Keeka to become very, very swollen all over her entire body, including her face. The Swans all know this. Fawna gives the jar of peanut butter to Keeka. While the other three Swans are smiling cruelly behind Fawna, Fawna tells Keeka to eat all the peanut butter right there in front of them. Keeka is upset. She begs the Swans to not make her do this. Keeka says that, if she eats all this peanut butter now, she will be swollen all over for several days; that she will be a disgusting swollen mess at her wedding. Keeka begs and begs and begs the Swans to have mercy on her; to not cause her to appear a disgusting swollen mess at her wedding; to not humiliate her in front of all the wedding guests. Fawna tells Keeka that, if she doesn’t eat the peanut butter, her Swan membership candidacy will be revoked; that she will never become a Swan.

So Keeka eats the peanut butter. She immediately becomes very, very swollen all over, much to the Swans’ delight. Andrew doesn’t even recognize Keeka now. He finds her ever more unattractive than he found her before.

Andrew and Keeka return to Keeka’s mansion. In the mansion, Keeka is looking at her swollen face in a mirror. Keeka says that she hopes the Swans won’t do anything else to humiliate her at her wedding.

Keeka tells Andrew that she could use some cheering up. She proceeds to lead Andrew into her bedroom, much to Andrew’s dismay.

Later, in the evening, in Keeka’s mansion, Keeka’s phone is ringing. Keeka answers it. It is one of the Swans, Nella. Nella tells Keeka to put Andrew on. Keeka gives the phone to Andrew. Nella tells Andrew to come alone to Miona’s mansion. Nella tells Andrew that the Swans are waiting for him there; that they want to give him a very special pre-wedding wedding gift.

After ending the phone call, Andrew tells Keeka that the Swans have summoned him, and him alone. He says that he will be back later. Keeka is troubled by this development. She says that she is worried that the Swans are going to try to do something to get him to back out of marrying her.

“You’re being silly,” Andrew says. “You’re worrying over nothing.” He kisses Keeka on her disgusting, swollen lips. “I’ll be back later,” he says.

A little later, Andrew arrives at Miona’s mansion. Much to Andrew’s delight, the Swans are all there, and all wearing nothing but lingerie. Fawna says that Andrew isn’t fooling them; that they know he doesn’t really love Keeka; that no man could ever fall in love with a woman as unattractive as Keeka; that he only wants to marry her for her money. Another Swan, Tabeeza, says that Andrew must be very, very dedicated to his desire to become rich, given that he is willing to go so far as to marry such an unattractive woman to achieve that goal. Miona says that Andrew’s intense dedication to his goal is admirable, and deserves to be rewarded. One by one, each of the Swans kisses Andrew. They then lead him into a nearby bedroom.

Later, Andrew returns to Keeka’s mansion. Keeka asks Andrew why the Swans summoned him. Andrew says that they just wanted to give him a congratulatory bottle of wine as a pre-wedding wedding gift. Keeka asks where the bottle of wine is. Andrew says that he and the Swans already drank it. Keeka believes Andrew.

The following morning, Keeka and Andrew are in the neighborhood’s church for their wedding ceremony.

Keeka, of course, looks terrible. Her wedding dress barely fits her, and looks like it might tear at any moment. The dress would have fit her perfectly if her body didn’t become so swollen due to the peanut butter. None of the wedding guests can bring themselves to look at Keeka’s very swollen face for more than one second at a time.

Among the many, many wedding guests who came on short notice are the Swans’ husbands. They are all very, very large men.

Mysteriously though, the Swans do not appear to be in attendance. Their mysterious absence troubles Keeka greatly. She fears that the Swans have something terrible in store for her, and that their current absence has something to do with it.

She is right.

The church’s minister begins to conduct the wedding. He asks Andrew and Keeka to approach the church’s altar, where the minister is standing. Keeka and Andrew approach the altar.

Andrew is so happy. He has suffered so much in his attempts to become rich. And now he is certain that the suffering is almost over.

However, before the minister can get to the part where he declares Andrew and Keeka married, one of the Swans, Nella, interrupts the minister by coming out of the church’s back room, where she was hiding along with the other Swans. Nella announces that the Swans have some new photographs of themselves that they want Keeka and all her wedding guests to see.

Another Swan, Tabeeza, comes out of the back room, carrying four very, very large photographs. She places each of them by the altar, in a row, so that Keeka and all the wedding guests can see them.

The photographs were taken by someone the Swans hired. The photographs were taken without Andrew’s knowledge. In each photograph, Andrew is standing in Miona’s mansion. In one photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Miona. In another photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Nella. In another photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Tabeeza. In the last photograph, Andrew is kissing a scantily-clad Fawna.

Keeka screams. “I hate you all so much!” she says, speaking to the Swans. “You’ve ruined my wedding ceremony!”

“And I hate you too!” Keeka says, speaking to Andrew. “You betrayed me! Our wedding is off! I do not want to ever see you again!”

Feeling defeated, Andrew begins walking down the church’s aisle, toward the church’s exit. He came so close to marrying a rich woman for her money, so close. But once again, it was not meant to be. He exits the church.

Fawna comes out of the church’s back room, carrying a bucket of tar. She pours the bucket of tar on Keeka. Keeka screams again.

Outside the church, Andrew is slowly walking down the church’s front stairs, wondering what his next move will be. From behind, someone grabs him, then turns him around. That someone is Fawna’s large, angry husband. Standing behind him are the other Swans’ large, angry husbands. As the Swans know, their husbands are so grateful to be married to such beautiful women that they would never voluntarily leave their wives, even in response to the knowledge that the Swans cheated on their husbands with Andrew. However, that doesn’t mean that the Swans’ husbands have any reservations about punishing Andrew for having an intimate encounter with their wives. The Swans’ husbands proceed to pummel Andrew mercilessly.

Back inside the church, Miona comes out of the church’s back room, carrying a bucket of feathers. She pours the bucket of feathers on Keeka. The feathers all stick to various parts of Keeka, thanks to the tar that was dumped on her moments earlier. Keeka screams again.

The Swans are all smiling, but not in a malicious way. Miona tells Keeka that she shouldn’t be upset; that this is actually the greatest day of her life. Nella tells Keeka that those feathers aren’t just any feathers; that they are swan feathers. Tabeeza says that the feathers are meant to be a symbol of the transformation that is occurring here today. Fawna tells Keeka that they are accepting her as a member of their social clique; that, as of this moment, Keeka is no longer an Ugly Duckling; that she is now an Ugly Swan.

Keeka begins crying, but her tears are tears of joy. This is the happiest moment of her life.

In the church, Keeka and the other Swans begin to celebrate Keeka’s transformation into a Swan while, outside the church, the Swans’ husbands are pummeling Andrew mercilessly.

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