In a neighborhood, there is a pizzeria. And in that pizzeria is one of its female employees. Her name is Londra. Londra works at the pizzeria as a cashier.
The pizzeria’s pizza is almost always terrible. Most of the pizzeria’s customers never come back after their first visit.
Nevertheless, the pizzeria does have two recurring customers.
One of the recurring customers is a man named Igbert Crutters. Igbert is a very successful entrepreneur. He owns a very successful company. The company’s success caused Igbert to become rich.
The pizzeria’s other recurring customer is a man named Andrew Squervil. Andrew is unemployed. Unlike most people who are unemployed, Andrew has no desire to gain employment. The very idea of him having a job repulses and offends him.
Though Igbert and Andrew are aware of each other’s recurring presence in the pizzeria, they are not friends nor acquaintances. Other than being the same age and being single, Igbert and Andrew have virtually nothing in common.
Igbert has more than enough money to afford to dine in better places than the pizzeria on a regular basis. And, like the pizzeria’s other customers, Igbert finds the pizzeria’s pizza terrible. The only reason that he is a recurring customer to the pizzeria is because he is deeply, madly in love with the pizzeria’s cashier Londra. Igbert goes to the pizzeria on a daily basis just for the opportunity to see Londra.
Unfortunately for Igbert, his love for Londra is completely unrequited. Londra does not find Igbert attractive, and has no reservations about telling him so whenever he is trying to woo her in the pizzeria. Despite Igbert’s persistence, Londra has rejected Igbert many, many times.
Londra is deeply, madly in love with Andrew. Londra thinks Andrew is the most physically attractive man she has ever seen in person. For that reason, she will do anything for Andrew, and she will do anything to be with Andrew.
Whenever Igbert orders a slice of pizza from Londra, she will give him a slice from whichever pizza pie has been sitting out the longest. Whenever Andrew orders a slice of pizza from Londra, she will give him a slice from whichever pizza pie is freshest, and she won’t charge him for it.
That is Andrew’s only reason for being a recurring customer to this pizzeria: the free pizza. Though Andrew also thinks this pizzeria’s pizza is terrible, he is not one to turn down free pizza.
Unfortunately for Londra, her love for Andrew is completely unrequited. Though Andrew finds Londra mildly attractive, he is accustomed to being in the company of very beautiful women. Also, Londra’s lack of wealth greatly contributes to Andrew’s lack of interest in her, as Andrew is currently pursuing a goal to become rich by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money.
But Londra remains persistent. Whenever Andrew is visiting the pizzeria when no other employees are on duty, she will invite him into the pizzeria’s back room, where she will do all sorts of generous things to him.
When this situation is occurring, Andrew does not resist Londra’s advances. He is not one to turn down the advances of a mildly attractive woman, just as he is not one to turn down free pizza. But whenever Londra tries to get Andrew to regard her as something more than a mildly satisfactory treat, she ends up disappointed. Andrew has no interest in developing a serious, meaningful, romantic relationship with Londra.
Igbert is very aware of Londra’s romantic fixation on Andrew. Whenever Igbert sees Londra leading Andrew into the pizzeria’s back room, Igbert seethes with jealousy. Igbert would do anything to be led into the back room by Londra.
Igbert is convinced that Andrew’s recurring presence in the pizzeria is hindering Igbert’s chances of ever getting Londra to fall in love with Igbert. Igbert decides that he has to somehow get Andrew out of the picture.
Igbert hires a private investigator to find out information about Andrew. After the private investigator concludes his investigation, Igbert learns quite a lot about Andrew from the private investigator’s report: where Andrew lives; that Andrew is currently living in the apartment of his friend and that friend’s girlfriend; that Andrew is unemployed; that Andrew frequently visits places often populated by rich, single women; that Andrew frequently tries to seduce such women. Igbert concludes that Andrew is a sleazy gold-digger. This conclusion pleases Igbert, as it gives him an idea as to how he will get Andrew out of the picture.
One day, Igbert shows up unexpectedly at the apartment Andrew is staying at. Andrew answers the door, which Igbert knocked on. Igbert immediately explains why he came to see Andrew: to get Andrew to stop coming to the pizzeria and to stay away from Londra forever. Igbert says that he has lots of money; that, going forward, he will pay Andrew a very large amount of money on a monthly basis in exchange for Andrew staying away from Londra forever.
Andrew asks Igbert what the monthly amount would be. Igbert tells Andrew the amount. Igbert’s answer pleases Andrew greatly. The amount in itself isn’t enough to make Andrew rich, but just a few years of receiving these monthly payments could make Andrew rich. Andrew accepts Igbert’s offer, but warns Igbert that if the monthly payments ever stop, Andrew will immediately go see Londra.
Igbert tells Andrew that there is just one other thing Andrew will have to do as part of their agreement: send Londra a very cruel letter telling her that he does not want to ever see her again. Igbert figures that a cruel goodbye letter from Andrew will decrease her self-esteem, thereby making her more susceptible to Igbert’s wooing. Andrew says that he has no problem whatsoever sending a cruel goodbye letter to Londra; that he looks forward to writing it.
So, after receiving the first payment from Igbert, Andrew sends Londra a very, very cruel goodbye letter. It is even more cruel than Igbert hoped it would be.
Londra is devastated by the letter. Though her situation with Andrew seemed very hopeless, she always believed that, someday, somehow, she and Andrew would end up getting married.
As Igbert predicted, Londra’s self-esteem is now very low. Londra no longer believes she is attractive enough to win the love of handsome men, men like Andrew. She now thinks that, if she is to have any hope of ever getting a marriage proposal, she will have to be willing to settle for men she doesn’t find attractive, like Igbert. So, the next time Igbert asks Londra out, Londra’s response is yes. So Igbert and Londra begin dating.
At first, Igbert is very happy, the happiest he will ever be in his entire life. He has won the woman he believes to be his soul mate.
But then his happiness begins to turn to misery. For although Londra is now his girlfriend, she is still very much in love with Andrew, a fact she makes no attempt to conceal from Igbert. She frequently tells Igbert that he could never satisfy her the way Andrew satisfied her; that Igbert is inferior to Andrew in every way; that, if Andrew ever comes back to her, she will abandon Igbert without hesitation.
Londra is miserable. She hates Igbert as much as Igbert loves her. She misses Andrew terribly.
Igbert can see how unhappy Londra is with him. He realizes that no matter how hard he tries, and no matter what he does, Londra will never, ever love him.
But nevertheless, Igbert loves her, and thus wants her to be happy.
So Igbert goes to see Andrew again. Igbert meets Andrew at the apartment he is staying at. Igbert tells Andrew that their agreement is going to have to change; that Igbert is no longer going to pay Andrew to stay away from Londra; that Igbert is now going to pay Andrew to return to Londra and to be Londra’s boyfriend. Igbert says that he will continue to pay Andrew on a monthly basis as long as Andrew continues to be Londra’s boyfriend.
Andrew accepts Igbert’s new offer. Andrew figures he’ll dump Londra in a few years, after he accumulates enough of Igbert’s payments to make him rich.
So Andrew returns to Londra. He tells her that he wants to become her boyfriend.
Londra is so happy. Of course, she accepts Andrew’s offer. Then she breaks up with Igbert via a very cruel goodbye letter.
So Andrew and Londra begin dating. However, a few days into their relationship, Londra meets a man named Derek. Derek is interested in Londra, and he is slightly more attractive than Andrew. So Londra leaves Andrew for Derek.
After finding out that Andrew and Londra are no longer dating, Igbert stops paying Andrew. Andrew is sad about that. Since Londra no longer loves Andrew, she no longer gives him free pizza. Andrew is sad about that too. He stops going to the pizzeria.
Igbert stops going to the pizzeria too. He finds it too depressing now. He has kept the cruel goodbye letter Londra gave him, as it is all he has to remember her by. He keeps it on his person at all times, even though the mere thought of the letter causes him so much misery.
Londra and Derek get married. Londra forgets all about Igbert and Andrew.