Apartments

Today, sleazy person Andrew Squervil is being released from the chamber which he was confined to for a long period of time. This confinement was the result of a trial in which Andrew was found guilty of the theft of a valuable anklet. The trial’s judge, a woman named Sindra, gave Andrew this punishment not because she thought it was a fitting punishment for the crime, but because she hates Andrew.

For some reason though, the judge, Sindra, later used her authority to end Andrew’s punishment early, a few weeks before it was originally supposed to end. Andrew doesn’t understand why Sindra did that, but he doesn’t care. He’s just glad to be free from that horrible chamber.

Upon his release, Andrew sees an attractive woman named Riora. She has been waiting for him. Riora is an attorney. She represented Andrew in his trial. Shortly before the trial’s conclusion, she became Andrew’s girlfriend.

Andrew and Riora kiss each other.

“I missed you so much, Andrew,” Riora says. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Andrew says, lying. He doesn’t love Riora. To him, she is like a delicious piece of candy that can offer him very little nutritional value. Andrew has a goal to become rich. He plans to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, beautiful woman for her money. Though Riora makes a decent income, she isn’t rich. So Andrew plans to just continue having his fun with her and taking what he can from her until something better comes along.

Riora leads Andrew to her car. They get into the car and she begins driving him somewhere.

While driving, Riora hands a letter to Andrew. “This is for you,” Riora says. “It’s from Martin and Pustilla.”

Martin is Andrew’s friend. Pustilla is Martin’s girlfriend. Martin and Pustilla share an apartment. Prior to Andrew’s imprisonment, Martin and Pustilla were letting Andrew stay at the apartment indefinitely and rent-free. Unbeknownst to Martin and Riora, Andrew had been carrying on a secret affair with Pustilla.

Andrew reads the letter, which was written by Pustilla. In the letter, Pustilla tells Andrew that, during his imprisonment, she and Martin went on a cruise; and that, during the cruise, they befriended a handsome male underwear model named Liglio; and that Liglio needed a place to stay at indefinitely and rent-free; and that, per Pustilla’s invitation, Liglio is now staying at Martin and Pustilla’s apartment indefinitely and rent-free; and that, for that reason, there is no longer any space for Andrew in the apartment.

Andrew is dismayed. He very much liked the apartment.

“I read the letter already,” Riora says. “And you have no need to worry about finding a place to stay at. You can stay with me at my apartment.”

“Really?” Andrew says. He recalls that Riora has a very nice apartment.

“Yes,” Riora says. “I think we are ready to take that next step in our relationship.”

Andrew is smiling.

Later, they arrive at the crummy apartment building that Riora currently lives in. Andrew has stopped smiling. This is not the apartment building that Andrew remembers Riora living in. This other apartment building is not as nice.

“You moved?” Andrew says.

“Yes,” Riora says. “I had to downgrade to a lesser apartment. I wanted to surprise you: you were released from your imprisonment early because of me!”

“What do you mean?” Andrew says.

“I could no longer stand the thought of you trapped in that horrible chamber, so I bribed the judge into ending your imprisonment a few weeks early,” Riora says.

“What did you bribe her with?” Andrew says, feeling a sense of dread.

“My life savings,” Riora says cheerfully. “So obviously, I can no longer afford to pay the rent for that other apartment I was living in. I can barely afford to pay the rent for the current apartment I’m living in. But it was all worth it, Andrew. Because you’re free now, a few weeks earlier than you would have been otherwise. I did it for you, Andrew.”

She kisses Andrew, who is desperately, hopefully thinking that he hasn’t seen Riora’s current apartment yet; that perhaps it is nicer than the apartment building’s external characteristics would lead one to expect.

They go into Riora’s apartment. It is even crummier than Andrew feared it might be. He didn’t know there existed apartments this small and depressing-looking.

“Welcome to your new home, Andrew Squervil!” Riora says cheerfully.

Andrew smiles, although what he really wants to do is scream.

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