Whale Excrement

Currently, despicable formerly rich person Andrew Squervil is in a situation he doesn’t want to be in. As a result of his most recent misadventure, Andrew is stranded at sea in an exotic, largely uncharted part of the world. At the moment, Andrew is staying afloat by laying on what he initially thought was a very large floating log, but what he later realized was a very large, atypically solid, floating piece of whale excrement, courtesy of one of the many whales that live in this ocean that Andrew is trapped in. With no land nor boats nearby, Andrew realizes that dying on a piece of whale excrement is a very real possibility for him. Andrew thinks that, given the various misfortunes that have recently befallen him, this kind of death would be thematically consistent; that the only more thematically consistent death would be if one of the nearby whales devours him and subsequently converts him into something similar to what he is now relying on to stay afloat.

With nothing to do but think, Andrew begins reflecting on his life. Andrew, who isn’t a very deep person, thinks about various things that caused him happiness: the life of luxury he was born into; the many, many beautiful women he seduced; etcetera. Then Andrew thinks about various things that caused him unhappiness: the woman who successfully sued him for his entire fortune, thereby stripping him of his wealthy status; the angry female bodybuilder who pummeled Andrew mercilessly for trying to seduce her girlfriend; the unattractive woman who Andrew had a secret affair with so that she would continue letting Andrew live in her and her boyfriend’s apartment for free; etcetera.

Andrew has a goal to become rich again. He planned to accomplish this goal by marrying a rich, preferably beautiful woman for her money. There was a time when Andrew, who is very good at seducing beautiful women, thought that he could easily achieve this goal. But now, laying on a piece of whale excrement in the middle of an ocean, Andrew feels that he is as far away from his goal as he could possibly be.

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