Unfortunate Andrew Versus Lililalaya

During an evening, two male friends who secretly dislike each other are in a crowded tavern. The two friends are Andrew Squervil and Martin Pimbly. Andrew and Martin are sitting at the tavern’s bar and indulging in alcoholic beverages.

A beautiful woman enters the tavern, instantly gaining the attention of both Andrew and Martin. The woman is wearing a long coat that covers up much of her body, but fails to conceal its shapeliness. Likewise, she has long, black hair that covers up much of her face, but fails to conceal its prettiness.

The woman sits down at the end of the bar opposite from where Andrew and Martin are sitting. She orders a drink from the bartender on duty. The bartender provides her with a martini.

Andrew has already decided that he will try to seduce the woman. Seducing beautiful women has never been much of a challenge for Andrew. It is one of the few things he is actually good at.

As Andrew is about to get up to go over to the woman, Martin, who is too far away from the woman to be overheard by her, says that he knows who the woman is: Lililalaya. Andrew is very surprised by this apparent revelation. He remains in his seat, trying to process this new information.

Lililalaya is a very famous, very beautiful, very rich female celebrity. She is a supermodel and an actress and a songstress. She is also the object of desire in many, many men’s fantasies. Like Martin, Andrew has never met Lililalaya, but has many fond memories of her nevertheless: Lililalaya on a magazine cover, wearing a very revealing outfit and posing provocatively; Lililalaya in a music video, wearing a very revealing outfit and dancing provocatively; Lililalaya in a movie, wearing a very revealing outfit and acting provocatively.

Andrew, who is also too far away from the woman at the other end of the bar to be overheard by her, says that Martin is wrong; that she isn’t Lililalaya; that Lililalaya is a blonde, whereas the woman at the other end of the bar is a brunette. Martin says that he is absolutely certain that the woman at the other end of the bar is Lililalaya; that he would recognize Lililalaya’s face anywhere; that the black hair must be a wig.

After discreetly looking at the woman at the other end of the bar some more, Andrew realizes that Martin is right: she really is Lililalaya, and the black hair really is just a wig. Though the wig looks like real hair at first glance, one can see the fakeness of the wig if one stares at it long enough.

It doesn’t surprise Andrew that Lililalaya is wearing a wig while out in public. It is a well-known fact that Lililalaya is a very private person who goes through great lengths to keep the details of her personal life a mystery to the general public. Other than the knowledge that she isn’t married and that she lives in a gigantic mansion, the general public knows virtually nothing about her personal life. Perhaps for that reason, there is much speculation and interest in relation to Lililalaya’s personal life, particularly in regard to matters of love and lust. There have been many, many publicized rumors about Lililalaya: rumors about Lililalaya being romantically involved with various handsome male celebrities; rumors about Lililalaya being romantically involved with various beautiful female celebrities; rumors about Lililalaya treating her personal assistants as her personal playthings, then discarding them and replacing them with new personal assistants-slash-playthings; and so on. However, none of these rumors have ever been verified and are generally regarded as untrue nonsense.

Andrew knows that there are many, many tabloid magazines that are willing to pay large amounts of money for any substantial, verifiable information about Lililalaya’s personal life, especially if the information pertains to matters of love or lust. Andrew also suspects that Lililalaya, who is apparently fiercely protective of the details of her private life, might be willing to pay a very large amount of money to prevent any substantial, verifiable, scandalous information about her from being shared with the general public.

It is at that point that Andrew decides that he will try to obtain a photograph of him kissing Lililalaya and then use that photograph to blackmail Lililalaya for a very, very large amount of money, enough money to make Andrew rich.

Andrew knows that, unfortunately, he will need an accomplice to help him carry out the blackmail scheme he has in mind. So Andrew tells Martin about the plan to blackmail Lililalaya and that it will require Martin’s participation in the plan. Andrew says that he plans to go over to Lililalaya and begin talking to her; and that, by using the charming effect he has on women, he will get Lililalaya to kiss him right there in the tavern; and that, while Andrew is kissing Lililalaya, Martin should take a picture of the incident, using the camera in his cellular phone; and that Andrew will later use the photograph to blackmail Lililalaya for a very, very large amount of money; and that Andrew will split whatever money he obtains from Lililalaya with Martin.

Martin says that there is absolutely no way that he will participate in the blackmail scheme; that, while he has no problem with the idea of blackmailing someone, he could never do that to Lililalaya. Martin says that he is madly in love with Lililalaya; that she is, quite literally, the woman of his dreams, as he dreams about her every night; that he thinks about her whenever he is with his girlfriend Pustilla; that he sees Lililalaya’s presence here in the tavern tonight as a very rare opportunity to turn his dreams and fantasies into a reality; that, if he can just conjure up the courage he needs, he will go over to the other end of the bar and initiate a conversation with Lililalaya; and that, perhaps, with any luck, one thing will lead to another and Lililalaya will end up becoming his girlfriend and make his wildest dreams come true. Martin says that he is just trying to work up the courage to go talk to her.

Andrew, realizing that he needs to quickly destroy his friend’s romantic aspirations if this blackmail scheme is to have any chance of working, says that Martin is delusional if he truly believes that there is even the slightest possibility that Lililalaya would ever be romantically interested in Martin; that women like Lililalaya are accustomed to only the finest things in life, including the finest men; that Lililalaya would never stoop so low as to become romantically involved with a less-than-attractive person like Martin; that Martin needs to accept that women like Lililalaya will forever be out of his league; that he needs to accept that he will never be able to do better than his less-than-attractive girlfriend Pustilla; that the only opportunity available to him here tonight is the opportunity to become very, very rich by blackmailing a woman who thinks men like him are beneath her. Andrew continues to persuade Martin until, finally, Martin agrees to participate in the blackmail scheme.

With that matter resolved, Andrew goes over to the other end of the bar. He sits down next to Lililalaya. Andrew begins talking to Lililalaya, trying to have the charming effect on her that he has had on so many other beautiful women.

“Your disguise isn’t fooling me,” Andrew says. “I know who you really are.”

“I know who you really are too,” Lililalaya says.

“Who am I?” Andrew says.

“A sleazy loser who is trying to seduce me,” Lililalaya says. “Luckily for you, having intimate encounters with sleazy losers is a favorite pastime of mine.”

Lililalaya and Andrew begin kissing each other.

While they are kissing, Andrew looks over to the other end of the bar, where Martin is discreetly aiming his cellular phone at Andrew and Lililalaya, apparently taking a picture of Andrew making out with the woman of Martin’s dreams.

Lililalaya pulls away from Andrew. She tells him to come with her to a nearby hotel.

Andrew and Lililalaya exit the tavern together, leaving Martin with the idea that his despicable friend will be having an intimate encounter with the woman of Martin’s dreams tonight.

Outside the tavern, Andrew follows Lililalaya into the back of a parked limousine that belongs to Lililalaya. Sitting in the driver seat in the front of the limousine is one of Lililalaya’s many chauffeurs. Lililalaya instructs the chauffeur to take them to a nearby hotel. The chauffeur begins driving to the hotel.

Much to Andrew’s disappointment, Andrew and Lililalaya aren’t alone in the back of the limousine. Sitting in the back of the limousine with Andrew and Lililalaya is a tall, very muscular woman named Dominica. Lililalaya tells Andrew that Dominica is Lililalaya’s current personal assistant; and that Andrew shouldn’t pay any attention to her.

Andrew already dislikes Dominica very much, although he doesn’t know why exactly. He also thinks she looks familiar, although he doesn’t know why exactly.

Unbeknownst to Andrew, the reason that he feels an inexplicable dislike for Dominica, and the reason that she looks familiar to him is because they had a previous encounter some time ago, in a gym. On that day, Dominica and a woman named Deedra, who was Dominica’s girlfriend at the time, were working out together at the gym. While they were working out, Andrew, who was also at the gym at that time, approached Deedra and began talking with her, flirting with her, attempting to seduce her. Dominica, enraged at Andrew for trying to seduce her girlfriend, pummeled Andrew mercilessly. Although Andrew remembers the unpleasant pummeling quite well, his memory of Dominica’s face is vague, thus his inability to consciously realize the woman sitting in the back of the limousine with him and Lililalaya is the woman who pummeled him mercilessly at the gym.

Although Andrew doesn’t recognize Dominica, she recognizes him. She remembers Andrew’s face quite well, as she spent so much time punching it. However, Dominica does not remind Andrew of their shared past. Instead, she quietly, angrily stares at Andrew, who is distracted by Lililalaya, who is currently making out with Andrew.

Although Dominica found the pummeling of Andrew to be very satisfying at the time, it caused her problems later on. Deedra, who, unlike Dominica, is rich, became very angry with Dominica for pummeling Andrew, as Deedra felt Dominica had hugely overreacted. Finally fed up with Dominica’s insanely jealous behavior, Deedra broke up with Dominica, leaving Dominica heartbroken and without the many, many perks that came with having a rich girlfriend.

Dominica believes Andrew is responsible for the break-up. She is very tempted to pummel Andrew again here in the limousine, but she resists the temptation, as she doesn’t want to do anything that might displease Lililalaya, who Dominica is madly infatuated with. So Dominica remains seated quietly while the man she despises is making out with the woman she is madly infatuated with.

The limousine arrives at its destination, which is a very fancy hotel. Lililalaya tells the chauffeur and Dominica to wait for her in the limousine. Andrew follows Lililalaya out of the limousine and into the hotel. Lililalaya obtains a hotel room for the night from the desk clerk on duty, who does not recognize Lililalaya because of the wig she is wearing. Lililalaya and Andrew go into the hotel room Lililalaya obtained for them.

In the hotel room, Andrew proceeds to complete his seduction of Lililalaya. The experience is better than Martin’s wildest dreams.

Immediately afterwards, Lililalaya tells Andrew to get out. Andrew, who very much enjoyed his intimate encounter with Lililalaya, suggested that he stay so that they could have some more fun together.

“I’m done with you now,” Lililalaya says. “And I do not want to ever see you again.”

Realizing that he will never get to have another intimate encounter with Lililalaya, Andrew decides to go forward with his blackmail scheme. While Andrew is getting dressed, he tells Lililalaya that, while they were making out in the tavern, his accomplice took a picture of the incident; and that, unless she pays Andrew a very, very large amount of money, Andrew will sell the photograph to a tabloid magazine, thereby causing the general public to find out what a slut Lililalaya really is.

Lililalaya is furious. She wants to destroy Andrew.

She tells him that she isn’t even going to consider paying Andrew anything until he shows her proof that the photograph actually exists. So, using his cellular phone, Andrew places a call to Martin’s cellular phone.

While Martin’s phone is ringing, Andrew wonders how he will go about cheating Martin out of his share of the blackmail money.

Martin answers his phone. Andrew says that he is with Lililalaya. Andrew tells Martin to send a copy of the photograph of Andrew making out with Lililalaya to Andrew’s cellular phone so Andrew can prove to Lililalaya that the photograph exists.

Martin, who sounds very down, says that he screwed up; that he purchased his cellular phone very recently; that, for that reason, he is not very familiar with how to use the phone’s various applications, including the phone’s camera; that he used the camera incorrectly when trying to take a picture of Andrew and Lililalaya kissing each other in the tavern; that, at the time, Martin thought he took the picture, but that, after Andrew and Lililalaya exited the tavern, Martin realized that no picture had been taken; that there is no photograph of Andrew and Lililalaya kissing each other.

Andrew ends the phone call. Although Lililalaya only heard Andrew’s side of the phone conversation, she can tell by the defeated expression on Andrew’s face that Andrew doesn’t have a photograph to blackmail her with after all. Lililalaya tells Andrew that she knows he doesn’t have a photograph of them kissing each other; that his blackmail scheme has failed. She begins laughing smugly, reveling in her triumph.

Feeling defeated, Andrew begins walking toward the hotel room’s front door, wanting to exit the hotel room and get away from Lililalaya’s cruel laughter.

However, Lililalaya isn’t finished with Andrew. From her ultra-expensive purse, which is nearby, Lililalaya takes out a stun gun that she owns. As Andrew is about to leave the hotel room, Lililalaya uses her stun gun to stun Andrew. The electric shock that Andrew receives is so powerful that it causes him to fall to the floor and become unconscious.

Later, Andrew regains consciousness, though he is still too weak to move. He is still on the floor in the hotel room. Lililalaya, who is fully-dressed again, is standing nearby, looking down at Andrew. Dominica is also in the hotel room now, standing nearby and looking down at Andrew.

At that moment, Andrew realizes why Dominica looks familiar to him: she is the woman who pummeled him in the gym. He wants to get far, far away from her, but he is still too weak to move.

Lililalaya tells Dominica to pummel Andrew. Dominica proceeds to pummel Andrew mercilessly while Lililalaya looks on, amused.

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