The Secret Honey Project

On the 135th floor of an office building belonging entirely to a very successful corporation that manufactures and sells very popular honey products, a sleazy man named Chet is sitting in his cubicle, indiscreetly playing a video game on his computer. Chet is a low-level employee at this honey corporation.

Chet often brags to his friends that he has the best job ever; that his workdays consist of playing video games and spending time with a beautiful woman named Gloria.

Gloria is the owner and president of this honey corporation. She inherited the corporation from her father, its owner. By the time Gloria inherited the corporation, it was pretty much running itself, and running itself quite successfully, like a ship on autopilot in an ocean free of icebergs and other deadly things. For that reason, Gloria has very few work-related matters to attend to when she’s at her honey corporation’s office building.

Despite this, and despite the fact that no one of importance expects Gloria to come to the office building regularly, Gloria comes to the office building regularly, mainly because of what she refers to as the Secret Honey Project.

Officially, no one other than Gloria and Chet knows what the Secret Honey Project actually is. Supposedly, it is a big project that is crucial to the honey corporation’s continued success, but, for reasons unclear, must remain top-secret.

The Secret Honey Project was Gloria’s idea. Gloria had come up with the idea shortly after one of the honey corporation’s office parties. During that party, she met Chet, who had started with the corporation a few days earlier. Gloria took an instant liking to Chet. The next day, Gloria announced that she was going to be working on a top-secret project called the Secret Honey Project; and that Chet would be working with her on this project; and that the two of them would be working on the project on a regular basis, in her office, with the office’s door closed and locked.

Chet was quite happy to be assigned to the Secret Honey Project. Most of his co-workers thought it was strange that Gloria would assign Chet to what apparently was a very important project, given how lazy and incompetent Chet had already proven himself to be in the short time he’d been working there.

The Secret Honey Project has been going on for several months now. Whenever Gloria is around, she is usually in her office with Chet, with the office’s door closed and locked. Whenever Gloria is not around, Chet plays video games on his computer in his cubicle, as he is doing now.

Hana, a female employee of the honey corporation, and holder of the same job title that Chet has, stops by Chet’s cubicle. She is carrying a ridiculously large amount of documents. She sees that Chet is just playing a video game. “Chet, I’m really overwhelmed with work right now,” Hana says. “Can’t you help me out just a little?”

“Can’t do it,” Chet says. “Gloria is going to be arriving soon. I have to meet her in her office shortly to work on the Secret Honey Project. It’s going to be a very long, grueling brainstorming session that will keep me preoccupied for the rest of the day.”

“Don’t give me that ‘brainstorming session’ nonsense,” Hana says. “I know what the two of you are really doing in her office.”

“Hana, it’s really not in your best interests to make such a scandalous accusation,” Chet says. “I’ll have to tell Gloria about this if you keep it up. I’d hate to see you lose your job because you were spreading an inappropriate rumor about the owner and president of the corporation.”

Hana lowers her eyes. “It won’t happen again,” she says, then begins to walk away.

“Oh, and Hana?” Chet says.

Hana stops. “Yes?” she says.

“Can you get me a new jar of honey?” Chet says. “My current jar is almost empty.”

“Okay,” Hana says, walking away, feeling utterly defeated.

Another man stops by Chet’s cubicle. This other man is taller and more handsome than Chet. “Hello,” the other man says, extending a hand. “I’m Thad. I’m new here.”

“Hello, Thad,” Chet says, shaking Thad’s hand, disinterested. “I’m Chet.”

“I just came from a meeting with Gloria,” Thad says. “She told me to tell you to come to her office.”

“Fantastic,” Chet says.

A few minutes later, Chet enters Gloria’s office, which is located on the 567th floor of the honey corporation’s office building. Gloria is sitting at her desk.

Chet was expecting only Gloria to be in the office, but four other people are also there: one of the honey corporation’s attorneys; a member of the honey corporation’s human resources department; and two of the honey corporation’s security guards. “Oh,” Chet says to Gloria, confused. “I thought you had summoned me here to work on the Secret Honey Project.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Gloria says.

On Gloria’s desk is a large jar of honey. One of the perks of working at the honey corporation is the seemingly endless supply of free honey. Everyone who has worked at the honey corporation for more than a few weeks is addicted to honey, and keeps jars of honey at their desks.

Gloria is no exception. She dips a finger into her jar of honey, then sucks on that finger.

“I’ve decided that your services will no longer be needed, Chet,” Gloria says. “I’m terminating you from my corporation.”

Chet can’t believe what he’s hearing. This must be some kind of joke, he thinks. “You’re terminating… me?” he says.

“Yes,” Gloria says.

Chet realizes she is undoubtably serious. Ever since Gloria assigned him to the Secret Honey Project, he had thought he was the one employee who was immune to termination.

“But… what about the Secret Honey Project?” Chet says.

“Your work on the Secret Honey Project is very much appreciated,” Gloria says. “But I’ve found someone else who’s better suited for the project. I met him while I was on vacation. His name is Thad. You may have met him already.”

“Thad?” Chet says. “You’re replacing me with Thad?”

“Yes,” Gloria says. “Your performance on the Secret Honey Project was subpar and disappointing. The Secret Honey Project has needs that you are not capable of satisfying. Thad has a much larger skill set than you, one that will allow him to meet and surpass the needs of the Secret Honey Project.”

“Can’t we… both work on the project?” Chet says, feeling desperate.

Gloria shakes her head, amused by Chet’s desperation. “Your continued presence here would be redundant,” Gloria says. “Thad has everything I need for this project.”

Gloria nods at the two security guards. The security guards remove Chet from the building.