Personal Assistants

In the morning, Herk wakes up in his extra-crummy studio apartment, which he can barely afford to live in. Herk is in a good mood today. Herk has usually been in a good mood since starting his current job almost a year ago. That is because Herk has what he believes to be the best job ever. Herk gets out of his bed and begins getting ready for another day of work.

Herk is employed as a personal assistant to a very famous, very successful, very rich, very beautiful female celebrity named Lililalaya. Lililalaya is a supermodel and an actress and a songstress.

Being one of Lililalaya’s personal assistants has not been easy for Herk. Lililalaya is demanding and ungrateful and selfish and cruel. Because of Lililalaya’s demanding nature, Herk rarely gets to sleep more than two hours a night. Lililalaya often ridicules Herk in the presence of others. On numerous occasions, Lililalaya has doused Herk with beverages to punish him for mistakes he apparently made. On numerous other occasions, Lililalaya has doused Herk with beverages to amuse herself.

On his way to work, Herk wonders how many times Lililalaya has doused him with a beverage, and how many different types of beverages she has doused him with, and whether there are still any types of beverages she hasn’t yet doused him with.

Lililalaya is a very busy woman. Her supermodel career and her actress career and her songstress career collectively have left her with very little time for recreational relationships with men, one of her favorite pastimes. For that reason, she has frequently turned to Herk to fill that void.

Herk has been more than happy to fill that void. He considers it the main perk of his job. Because of that perk, and despite how frequently torturous his job is, and despite the fact that Lililalaya doesn’t pay Herk well and recently decreased his salary to an even less generous amount, Herk thinks he has the best job ever.

Herk arrives on a movie set where a big-budget movie starring Lililalaya is in the process of being filmed. Herk is supposed to meet Lililalaya here, where some of her scenes in the movie will be filmed today.

Lililalaya has not arrived on the movie set. The movie’s film crew and Herk and numerous other people are on the movie set, waiting for Lililalaya to appear.

Two hours later, Lililalaya has still not arrived, now very late. Her lateness is not unexpected. Lililalaya is always very late to appointments.

Much later, Lililalaya arrives on the movie set. She does not apologize to anyone for her extreme lateness.

Lililalaya did not arrive alone. She is with her other personal assistant, a woman named Dominica. Dominica is a tall, very strong bodybuilder type. Herk is quite familiar with her. Dominica dislikes Herk, mainly because she is deeply infatuated with Lililalaya and therefore views Herk as her enemy.

Lililalaya is also accompanied by another man. This other man has an arm around Lililalaya. Herk already hates the other man intensely.

Lililalaya introduces Herk to this other man. This other man is named Leonardo. Lililalaya tells Herk that she met Leonardo last night at a party; they they really hit it off; and that, for that reason, she is firing Herk and will be giving his personal assistant job to Leonardo.

Herk is stunned. Images flash through Herk’s mind: Leonardo as Lililalaya’s personal assistant, satisfying Lililalaya’s needs, all of Lililalaya’s needs.

Herk gets on his knees and begs Lililalaya to not replace him with Leonardo. Herk promises that he will work even harder to satisfy all of Lililalaya’s needs, even if it means sleeping only one hour a night, or not sleeping at all ever again.

Lililalaya is quite amused by Herk’s desperation. She tells Dominica to remove Herk from the premises. Dominica gleefully drags Herk away.