Cream Pie

Keeka is trying to lose weight. At the moment, she is shopping in a local supermarket, doing her best to resist all the sugar-filled, fat-inducing temptations and select only healthy foods to purchase.

Keeka passes by a particularly delicious-looking chocolate cake on display. Her desire to devour that entire cake is strong, but she resists the urge. “I won’t do it!” Keeka says, whispering to herself. “I won’t do it!” She hurries away from the chocolate cake.

Keeka is a candidate for membership into an exclusive social clique known as the Swans. The Swans consist of four very tall, very beautiful, very rich women. Their names are Miona, Nella, Fawna, and Tabeeza. They live in the same upper-class neighborhood that Keeka lives in. The Swans are very, very popular. All the neighborhood’s other female residents want to be Swans. All the neighborhood’s male residents want to be with the Swans.

Keeka wants to be a Swan. She craves the popularity and envy from others and resentment from others that comes with being a Swan.

Unfortunately for Keeka, Swan membership candidates have to go through a grueling hazing process as part of their candidacies. This hazing process involves lots and lots of torture from the Swans and having to do whatever the Swans tell them to do. Since beginning her Swan membership candidacy, Keeka has been subjected to many, many horrible experiences by the Swans. For example, the Swans, who know that Keeka is highly allergic to peanut butter, made Keeka eat nothing but peanut butter for an entire year.

The year of eating nothing but peanut butter caused Keeka to gain a significant amount of weight. Now that the peanut butter torture is over, she is desperately trying to lose that weight. So far, she has successfully avoided all the fattening foods that would prevent her from achieving her weight loss goal.

Now, in the supermarket’s aisle for canned vegetables, Keeka is putting some canned carrots into her shopping cart. She misses the taste of chocolate so badly.

A very handsome man, who is pushing another shopping cart down the aisle, approaches Keeka. Keeka is overwhelmed by his handsomeness.

“Excuse me,” the man says. “Why do you look like a pig?”

Keeka is not offended by this question because, at the moment, she does in fact look like a pig: she is wearing a plastic pig nose over her real nose. As part of the hazing process, the Swans are currently making Keeka wear a plastic pig nose over her real nose at all times for an entire year. Keeka explains the whole situation to the handsome man.

“That must be horrible for you,” he says.

“It is,” Keeka says. “People on the street look at me like I’m crazy all the time. The Swans even made me go to my high school reunion with it on. All those horrible people I went to high school with laughed at me and think I’m a loser now.”

The man nods in a sympathetic manner. “You must really hate the Swans,” he says.

“I do,” Keeka says. “I hate them so much! They’ve ruined my life and they still won’t let me into their clique! I just want to be a Swan so badly!”

“I admire your perseverance,” the man says. “My name’s Blake.”

“I’m Keeka,” Keeka says.

“Would you have dinner with me tonight?” Blake says.

Keeka is stunned. She has never been asked out by men as attractive as Blake before. “Yes!” she says, trying to not appear too desperate. “That would be lovely!”

Later, Keeka and Blake have dinner. After dinner, Blake and Keeka consummate their relationship in Keeka’s mansion.

Keeka is delighted to have a new boyfriend, especially a boyfriend as handsome as Blake. She can’t wait to introduce him to the Swans. Keeka is certain that the Swans will be intensely jealous of her.

The next day, Keeka is in the mansion of one of the Swans, Fawna. Fawna and the other three Swans, Nella, Miona, and Tabeeza, are also there. The Swans are sitting in the living room, watching television. Keeka is in the middle of brushing Tabeeza’s hair, per Tabeeza’s demand.

Keeka casually mentions that she has a new boyfriend now.

In response to this news, the Swans all laugh cruelly.

“You’re lying, Keeka,” Fawna says. “No man would be interested in dating a fat pig like you!”

“I’m not lying!” Keeka says. “And he’s not even ugly. He’s actually quite handsome.”

“I don’t believe you, Keeka,” Miona says. “None of us believe you.”

“But I can prove it!” Keeka says. “I’ll introduce him to you!”

“Fine,” Nella says, taking a piece of chewed gum out of her mouth. “We’ll meet your supposedly real, supposedly handsome boyfriend. Bring him to my mansion this Saturday, in the afternoon. We’ll be there.” Nella sticks the gum in Keeka’s hair.

On the evening prior to the day that Keeka is to introduce Blake to the Swans, Keeka and Blake are having dinner together in the dining room of Keeka’s mansion. The room’s lights are off. Keeka and Blake are sitting at a table, facing each other. There are lit candles on the table.

“This dinner you made is lovely, Keeka,” Blake says. “You’re lovely, Keeka.”

“Oh Blake,” Keeka says. “You’re so sweet and handsome. I cherish every moment that I’m with you. I don’t want it to ever end. And I can’t wait to introduce you to the Swans tomorrow! They’ll all be so jealous of me!”

“That reminds me: I have a surprise for you, Keeka,” Blake says.

“You do?” Keeka says.

“Yes,” Blake says. “Close your eyes.”

Excited, Keeka closes her eyes.

A few minutes later, Blake says: “Open your eyes, Keeka.”

Keeka opens her eyes. The dining room’s lights have been turned on. The candles’ flames have been extinguished. On the table, between Keeka and Blake, is a very large, delicious-looking chocolate cream pie.

“This is for you, Keeka,” Blake says. “It’s all for you.”

“Oh,” Keeka says, trying to not appear disappointed, even though she was expecting an engagement ring. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Blake. But, unfortunately, I can’t eat it. I’m trying to lose weight.”

Blake smiles, with a faint hint of sinisterness in his smile. “You misunderstand, Keeka,” Blake says. “The cream pie isn’t for you to eat. It’s for you to wear.” He picks up the cream pie, then covers Keeka’s face with it.

Pieces of the cream pie fall off of Keeka. She slowly wipes cream from her eyes.

The Swans come out of their hiding places. Now, they are all standing around Blake and laughing at Keeka. Blake is laughing at Keeka too.

“Blake?” Keeka says. “What is happening?”

“It was a prank, Keeka,” Nella says. “We tricked you into falling in love with Blake.”

“It was my idea,” Fawna says.

“Blake is in love with me, Keeka,” Miona says. “He divorced his wife for me. He would do anything to be with me.”

“It’s true,” Blake says.

“So I told Blake that I would be his if he helped us play this prank on you,” Miona says.

“So… you were never really interested in me?” Keeka says, speaking to Blake.

“That is correct, Keeka,” Blake says. “I hated every moment that I was with you. Kissing your fat, piggy face made me want to vomit. I was only doing it for Miona.”

“And now that Blake has fulfilled his part of the bargain, I will become his, in more ways than one,” Miona says. “Blake and I are going to get married, Keeka! And you are going to attend our wedding. You are going to watch Blake become my husband.”

“It will be a lovely event,” Tabeeza says.

“You can expect to receive a formal wedding invitation in a few days, Keeka,” Miona says. “Come on everyone: let’s leave Keeka to her cream pie.”

The Swans and Blake leave Keeka’s mansion.

Keeka is sitting in stunned silence. After a few minutes, she looks down at the various pieces of the chocolate cream pie that have fallen off of her face, on to the table.

The stress is too much for Keeka. She proceeds to devour every piece of the cream pie.

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